This article is primarily intended for those who have managed to get out of a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath, and is a logical continuation of the article “Surviving with a Narcissist.”
If the victim of a narcissist managed to get out of the relationship and even break all ties, this does not mean that everything is over for her. Those who have been in a similar situation or those who are in it now know this well. They still feel the influence of these relationships and the influence is so strong that it creates significant problems, preventing them from living a normal, full and happy life.
“How long will it take me to recover from this relationship?” is the most common question among those who realize they have been in a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath. Sometimes the problem is not even the answer to this question, but the inability to ask it. Often the victim will first have to recognize and accept the fact that they were in a narcissistic relationship, and this may also take time.
The length of time it takes to recover from a narcissistic relationship depends on many factors. For example, the length of the relationship is important, as is the level of intimacy with the narcissist. The age at which the person got into this relationship, what type of relationship it was (intimate, work, family, cult). For example, if the narcissist is a member of the victim's family, there are additional complications. It is even harder to recover from intimate relationships. The narcissist's mind control tactics and techniques are also an important factor. But the most important factor will be the choice of recovery path. There are basically three such options:
- try to recover on your own;
- seek the help of a psychologist or general psychotherapist;
- See a therapist who specializes in recovery from narcissistic or psychopathic relationships.
Let's look at each of these options in more detail.
If you have children together
If you have children together, you will have to communicate, and this is where the narcissist will use his entire arsenal to get you back or punish you. In this case, try to communicate through intermediaries. This could be a friend, grandmother, lawyer. It is often worth agreeing that you will discuss among yourself only the topic of children and no other. If the child is old enough and has a phone, then they can communicate without you.
If your ex-partner is an abuser, a psychopath, or a narcissist who constantly breaks agreements, doesn't follow rules, and violates your boundaries, you will need leverage. This may be a decision of the court or the guardianship authority, which clearly states the hours of meetings with the child or the method of participation in the upbringing of the child. Don’t be afraid to use these levers, narcissists and abusers don’t understand any other way. And they certainly perceive you as a person whose opinion can be ignored. But the lawyer, the court, the police, the board of guardians, perhaps, can curb their ardor.
Get rid of Stockholm syndrome
Having put an end to the relationship with the abuser, a woman who has gotten used to the role of the victim is in an anxious but determined mood for some time, and then she is overcome by bitter regrets about the breakup
. One after another, scenes emerge in my memory where the ex showed himself on the positive side: he showed kindness, surrounded him with care, helped in a difficult situation, gave a generous gift, inspired him with a compliment. And the memories of his unworthy behavior, on the contrary, fade. As a result, the woman is torn by doubts: “Did I make a mistake? After all, he can be good... I guess I should have behaved differently. He would probably change...” This is how Stockholm syndrome manifests itself.
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“Victims tend to merge with the aggressor
- this is how the psyche protects itself from traumatic reality or the past.
It takes time and dedicated effort to “separate.” If emotional dependence persists, the woman, who just yesterday was wildly rejoicing at her newfound freedom, begins to justify the abuser and looks for the reason for his aggression in her “wrong” behavior. Since the victim’s background experiences have long been anxiety and fear, she is not able to think rationally - emotions take over power over thoughts and behavior,” explains the psychologist.
A frequent companion of Stockholm syndrome is post-traumatic stress disorder.
(PTSD), in which, in particular, individual episodes of life with a tyrant are erased from memory or seem unreal. The negativity associated with it is forced out of consciousness. “Was it for real or did I make it up?” “Was I really treated poorly or am I exaggerating?” – if such questions arise, contact people who witnessed those events, reconstruct the past together with a psychologist.
What will stop him?
He will only stop when you stop being “tasty” to him. Become a “gray stone” - do not give him any emotions, answer in monosyllables, do not give any information about yourself. You can't squeeze water out of a stone. But they will try to do this: touch you in sore spots, tug, press. But you must become impenetrable.
If he writes to you, he writes to you, but not about you. Don't even open any messages or letters from him. If you start reading, you will personalize what is written. And the narcissist always writes about himself. For you, but not about you. Don't believe what he says or writes, good or bad. He just wants contact with you, your attention, and then your emotions.
Completing therapy with a client with a narcissistic orientation.
At the Personality level:
- a change in the perception of the parent with whom there was a narcissistic alliance, and who becomes not an idealized image, but a living body;
- reviving the body of the despised or ignored parent, or rather the parts of one's own body associated with the body of the parent.
- reintegration with the bodies of siblings after experiencing a sense of completeness derived from the experience of shared centrality (I am in the center, but with others)
- a complete and calm experience of being in one's own place in the interweaving of bodies and relationships.
At the function ID level:
- restoration of the ability to feel and fill one’s own body
- acceptance of limitations (from excrement to physiology, from fatigue to illness)
- awareness of bodily needs
- the ability to feel empathy for the bodies of others and their needs.
At the contact cycle level:
- ability to give in and make contact
- perception of diversity (otherness, biography) as not being an obstacle
- accepting the other’s refusal as respect for otherness that does not interfere with intimacy
- feeling your experience as unique, but not the only one that exists
- recognition of dependence, knowledge that you can ask without humiliating yourself.
- the ability to exchange objections and not shy away from confrontation.
- feeling the energy of experiences that the patient has always tried to avoid: fragility, ordinaryness, shyness when coming into contact with childish parts of himself.
Up
New relationship?
Toxic relationships are called that because they poison a person and destroy, sometimes completely, his personality. It doesn't matter how bright, strong and courageous you were before your relationship with a narcissist. Do not flatter yourself - you will come out of them as a deeply traumatized person. And this is very serious, and not just “unlucky in marriage.” You have lost time, energy, self-esteem, self-confidence. How long will it take to recover, to be ready for a new relationship? Everything is individual. In any case, if you have left a toxic relationship, you should take the following steps to restore:
1. Surround yourself with people who value and respect you and with whom you feel safe. If you close yourself off, it won't help. People need people. Don’t listen to anyone, even those closest to you, who will doubt whether you did the right thing by leaving a toxic relationship, or who will further lower your self-esteem.
2. Do everything to recognize and re-evaluate previous relationships. What was all this for? To value yourself and not waste your energy on narcissists. Why did you get into this relationship? Perhaps you grew up in a family of narcissists, perhaps you are used to saving, perhaps you are such a sunny person who did not know that there are not “unhappy” people, but really evil people. Thanks to being in a toxic relationship, you are now learning or have already learned to understand people.
3. Learn to build boundaries and articulate your desires. In a normal, healthy relationship, this happens without any offense or misunderstandings.
4. Remember that trust in people is based on respect. No respect - no trust. First of all, you need to respect yourself. Do not confuse trust with gullibility: gullibility is a childish, infantile trait when you appoint someone as a “good dad” responsible for your happiness.
5. Remember the most important thing: if you left an abusive relationship, then you have done the most important thing. You won. Be proud of yourself!
Narcissist man in his 40s
It is important to mention that at this age, representatives of the stronger sex are able to assess internal problems. Sometimes they turn to a psychologist for help and try to independently work on their character.
If the narcissist's life is not happy, his self-esteem may be seriously damaged by the failures he has had to endure. This, in turn, leads to the desire to escape from reality by drinking alcohol (See Treatment of alcoholism with hypnosis) and drugs.
Someone manages to start a family and children, realizing that they need to move on. At the same time, not everyone is able to critically evaluate their own actions in order to subsequently draw the right conclusions.
How to tell if you are a narcissist
If you have finally gotten rid of a previous toxic relationship with a narcissist, you may notice that you are afraid to meet new men. What if the new guy is the same? How to understand this? After all, your former partner also didn’t have it written in big letters: “Caution! Psychopath!"
Irresistible
Remember that narcissists love and know how to make a lasting first impression. Very positive. That's why victims choose them. But an ordinary, mentally healthy guy may not strive to hit, he may not even be able to do so.
Narcissists will always tell stories about themselves, even though they are interested in you. Even if they listen to you for a while, they always turn the attention to themselves - yours and everyone around them.
What a coincidence
Narcissists are very good at mirroring. They pick up something in the conversation that is close to you, any attitude you have towards something, and immediately express their complete solidarity with your opinion: “I also adored Roxette at school!” or “Yes, I am a feminist. What’s so surprising about that?” They know how to “probe” their prey. They do not do this consciously, most often they have not read any special literature, it is simply in their nature. They live at the expense of other people, so such insight is the result of adaptation to a “parasitic lifestyle.”
Sick callus
It happens that we, especially at the beginning of a relationship or due to inattention, cause pain to another, offend, not knowing that some topic is painful for a person. And if we have a healthy relationship, this is a signal for us, we will remember someone else’s pain and reaction and, loving another, we will never touch on this topic again. With a narcissist, it's exactly the opposite. As soon as you open up and show your sore spot, the narcissist will definitely (and even regularly) trample on your sore spots. And every time: “Oh, I accidentally!” or “yes, this is a joke!”, or “well, what did you want, you need to work on yourself!”, or “it’s not in vain that this happened to you then!”
Depreciation
Narcissists have a way of invalidating your feelings and making you doubt how you feel. They do it in such a way that then you yourself begin to doubt the correctness of what you perceive, how you react, you begin to doubt your reality. Narcissists always brush off your feelings and problems - this is nonsense, nonsense. And you begin to justify it and devalue yourself.
Not my problem
This is not to say that narcissists lack empathy. They also know how to play it well and sell it. But they never apply it like other people. As soon as you tell about your problem, even a domestic one, the narcissist will most likely refuse to help you under some even very stupid pretext. He will not be able to meet, buy medicine, or look after the child. At the same time, he will arrange the matter in such a way that you will feel guilty for asking for help. But this is not because you asked for something wrong or asked in the wrong way, you are simply asking in the wrong place: the narcissist’s door is tightly closed, he will not open it. He will not exchange energy with you. He will not give, he will only take, having first presented himself beautifully so that you voluntarily and generously give him your emotions and your life.
ASCENSION TO THE PEDESTAL
Everything started out great... Suddenly, literally out of nowhere, a real prince or the man of your dreams appeared in your life (charming, witty, attentive, generous, etc.). Gaining favor, he placed you on a pedestal and surrounded you with attention. It turned out that you are the “only” and “best” for him. Relations developed rapidly and rapidly. Your friends told you what a wonderful couple you were, and your single friends were jealous.
You may not have had a partner for a long time, you recently came out of a relationship with damaged self-esteem, you really, really wanted to get married, have a family, have children, and then a miracle happened. Communication with the fairy-tale prince seemed magnificent to the point of implausibility. For the first time in your life, you were sure that you had finally met your soul mate, and it is obvious that it will never be as good as with him...
Happiness overwhelmed you, and you wanted to spend every minute with your loved one. The close relationship imperceptibly pushed friends, family and your own interests into the background, and he replaced the whole world for you. In this whirlpool, you easily agreed to leave your job or even moved to another city to be his wife. The fear of being completely financially dependent was destroyed by “his great love.” Or maybe he suddenly found himself without a job, and you had to increase your employment (putting aside personal interests and needs) in order to get through the “bad times” with your loved one. At the same time, financial control was in the hands of the prince. From some point on, he began to decide for you what you need, and what you can do without, and what you can’t afford. At the same time, new wheels for his car are affordable, and there is no way to buy you a dress or pay for a trip to the doctor. One day you discovered that not only finances, but your whole life and you yourself are completely controlled by him and depend on his will, mood or desire.
