How to ask for help correctly

Being strong and independent is a requirement of the modern world. Adults, like three-year-old children, increasingly repeat “I do it myself!”, refusing any help. What is it: a desire to demonstrate one’s autonomy and independence or the influence of the belief that asking for help is shameful, because it is an indicator of weakness and a manifestation of dependence on someone?

This is how a person works: it is easier for him to refuse support than to reap the benefits of results, or rather the lack thereof, because he does not always have enough of his own strength to resolve some issues. In this article, we will tell you why asking for help is a useful skill, and what you need to say to be heard and receive a positive response to a request. But first, let's look at why people find it difficult to ask others for something.

What exactly is the problem?

Sooner or later, no matter how independent a person is, he encounters a situation where powerlessness takes over. The reasons for this may be different: emotional burnout, incompetence, physical limitations, fears, etc. But, as practice shows, not everyone easily accepts the role of the “asker.”

Not long ago, a survey was conducted on the topic of who, as a rule, people ask for help when a difficult situation arises, and whether they ask at all. As a result, it turned out that only 1% of respondents turn to psychotherapists for help, and the majority of respondents (66%) prefer to ask for support from relatives. Almost 30% believe that in such situations it is better to turn to friends, 18% - to a significant other. At the same time, women more often turn to relatives (71%), while men tend to seek support from friends (34%). But there are also those who are used to coping with problems alone - this is 27% of respondents [TASS, 2018].

According to experts, asking for help is a real problem for some people. They in every possible way avoid situations that they cannot cope with on their own, and the very idea that they need to ask someone for something causes fear and protest in them. This is all due to a painful desire to be independent, which greatly limits them in their own realization. In particular:

A person does not take advantage of the help that others willingly accept, so he often remains a loser.
Independence isolates, alienates from society and creates a feeling of loneliness.
Refusal to help hinders the building and development of relationships, because meaningful relationships are based on trust and mutual assistance.

One of the reasons for refusing help is messages from childhood, even those that were not expressed directly. Children are afraid to ask their parents for anything because of feelings of guilt, fear of getting rebuffed or seeming annoying. They carry these attitudes into adulthood [D. Webb, 2020].

Alexander Tkhostov, psychoanalyst, professor, head of the department of neuro- and pathopsychology at the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University, compared the reluctance to show one’s weakness by asking for help with narcissism. In his opinion, this is an indicator of unwillingness to demonstrate one’s dependence on someone and accept refusal. According to clinical descriptions, narcissistic people themselves admit that they cannot ask anyone for anything. They are confident that those around them should think about them themselves, understand their desires and offer help in such a way as not to hurt their delicate spiritual nature [A. Tkhostov, 2005].

Victoria Limar, a psychologist at the family center, identifies the TOP 5 fears that prevent people from asking for help:

Fear of refusal: a person takes refusal personally and does not take into account the personal reasons of the person who refused (lack of time, energy, funds, etc.)
Fear of showing your weakness: people who are used to controlling everything and turning a blind eye to problems are susceptible to it. Asking for help means confirming that you are powerless to resolve the issue.
Fear that they will think badly of you: Some people are sure that asking is an imposition, and the phrase “I need help” is consonant with the phrase “I’m a loser.”
Fear of being left in debt: Helpers may intentionally create a sense of debt in their “asker.” This is how the belief is born that debt is worth paying, and feeling like a debtor is unpleasant, so it’s better to do everything yourself.
Fear of being burdensome: “If I ask a person for help, I will pin my problems on him, waste his personal time and energy, and this is not good!” - this is what many people think, who always choose the path to sail alone [V, Limar, 2020].

Despite the fact that from childhood we are taught to help the weak, society promotes a different approach and instills in us that today we need to be persistent, strong and independent, and for some, the prison saying “Don’t believe, don’t be afraid, don’t ask!” Alexander Solzhenitsyn said in his work “The Gulag Archipelago”, became a motto in life. But only every coin has two sides. What if we look at the situation from the point of view of benefit for everyone?

Use foot-in-the-door or door-in-the-face techniques

These tactics essentially help manipulate people, so they need to be used carefully. The “foot in the door” technique - you make a small request, which you definitely will not be refused, and then ask for something more serious.

The door-to-face technique works in the opposite way. When a big request is denied, you immediately ask for a smaller favor that seems more reasonable than the previous request. Because of this, the person feels guilty and tries to help.

For example, you ask a friend: “Could you give me a car ride to the center?” He says: "No." Then you continue: “And to the nearest metro?” This method is based on a social-psychological phenomenon - people tend to make a concession and agree to an unattractive offer if it is made immediately after they have refused another, more onerous request.

Weighty arguments for

In fact, people asking for help do not show weakness, but strength, of course, if we are not talking about pathological lack of independence. To be able to ask means to be able to trust, to be self-confident and open to people. This is the realization that one cannot cope alone, and that society is a single organism built on mutual assistance and support. Help is an integral part of any relationship. The one who seeks advice, in the eyes of others, looks much wiser than those who are confident in their autonomy.

People providing assistance usually experience positive emotions. They are pleased that they were considered competent in this matter, while others perceive the request as an opportunity to demonstrate their knowledge and skills. Therefore, if you are still ashamed to ask for help, look at it from the other side: by asking, you are making people feel good. How can you be ashamed of this?

Even if you are super-independent, and the phrase “Alone in the field is a warrior” is just about you, then, believe me, sooner or later the moment will come when you need to ask for help . The reason may be situations when:

You don't have time to become an expert: of course, you can learn a lot on your own, but any learning takes time. Independence is not always beneficial. Imagine that your household electrical appliance has broken down, and you are not at all familiar with technology. What will be more profitable: to study the structure of the device and how to troubleshoot problems at home, or to call for help from a neighbor who has golden hands and experience in this matter? It is better to choose the latter, and spend the saved personal time on something that will bring real benefits.
You decided that this work was too easy for an expert, and you were wrong: sometimes a person underestimates the work of specialists, believing that some of the tasks can be handled on their own. For example, you wanted to make repairs, hired a team, but decided that you could paint the walls yourself, because there is nothing complicated about it. As a result, uneven tone, smudges and wasted time. In this case, it is easier and more economical to ask for help than to do the same job twice yourself.
You are an expert, but you don’t have the strength to do anything: even if you are a great specialist in your field or just know how to cook a very tasty cake, there comes a time when your strength runs out. This situation can happen to anyone, so it is better to ask for help than to lose vital resources. Recovery from such a condition will be much more expensive.
The task is limited in time: it happens that the issue is urgent, so there is simply no opportunity to spend time independently studying ways to solve it. You can fix a leaking pipe yourself by reading tips on the Internet, but will your neighbors be happy with your approach?
You are running out of energy: situations when there are more tasks than the strength and energy to solve them are not uncommon. A person cannot be omnipotent, so it is better to entrust simple tasks to someone else, and carry out more responsible ones yourself. This will help you get everything done on time and still have resources.
Help will be useful: even if you have the time, energy and strength to do something on your own, you should not refuse help, because this way you will save your resources. Imagine that you need to hang a picture: you can do it yourself, getting down from your chair several times to see if the place for the nail is well chosen, or you can ask someone who is nearby to evaluate the process from the outside [T. Horsting, 2021].

Mutual support strengthens relationships and gives rise to friendship, because such situations reveal a person well and make it clear who is ready to lend a hand in a difficult moment and who is not. But you should always be prepared that assistance may be refused, and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone has the right to choose whether to help or not, based on their own views and priorities.

What to do if no one can help

Even after trying all the above methods, you may not find a solution. In this case, I choose one of the following routes:

Keep digging.
Sometimes you're working on something new and underexplored, and you need more time to research that area.
Reconsider your approach.
It happens that instead of using a generally accepted solution, you invent your own. This happened to me when I embedded a Django application into a standalone OSX executable. I may be the first to think of this. This is a bad sign! Perhaps you should go back and take a different approach to solving the problem at hand.

If you find it difficult to complete a task multiple times a day or don't know where to start, you may not be aware of the resources available to you. You can use a search engine or ask the guys on the team how they look for answers.

How to learn to ask for help: general tips

Beliefs are the main obstacles that prevent you from saying the simple phrase “Help me, please!” A person is inclined to think that people themselves should guess that he needs help, that asking means admitting his inadequacy, and that a task done with someone else’s help will no longer bring the pleasure that one would like. There can be many such beliefs, and it is important to start working with them in time.

To get rid of them, do the following exercise: take a piece of paper and write down all the inhibitory beliefs on this topic, and then rewrite each belief in a positive way. For example, “I am convinced that only weak-willed people ask for help” change to the phrase “I am sure that the ability to ask for help is a sign of strength.”

Pay attention to how you respond when someone offers you help. As a rule, with the automatic phrase “Thanks, no need.” Right? Behind this phrase there may be concern for the person (after all, by refusing, you will save his time and effort), fear of losing self-respect and concern about how others will think of you. But it’s worth looking at it from a different angle, because a person may be pleased to help you, and he wants to do it selflessly.

The next time someone offers to help you, step beyond your own beliefs and agree. If it is still difficult for you to give in to global affairs, start small: do not interfere if someone expresses a desire to treat you to tea or give up your seat on public transport.

Think about it: do you turn to a doctor for help if something bothers you? It is easier to do this, because we are talking about the main value - health, and you are asking for help from a professional, and not from the first person you meet. Use the same approach in everyday life: surround yourself with specialists whose duty it is to provide assistance. These could be psychologists, au pairs, consultants, etc. Challenge yourself to ask for a small favor every day. For example, ask to tell what a book is about, or ask for a pie recipe.

The phrase about help itself also matters. Starting it off with accusations is a bad idea. It’s one thing to say, “You never help me!”, but another thing to say, “I wish you could help me do this.” Do you feel the difference? The phrase should begin with a real I-message, not a fake one, which actually talks about the interlocutor, and not about the one asking for help. For example, “I believe that you are not involved at all in the life of our child” - the phrase, although it begins with “I,” actually carries a different message. It’s better to say this: “It’s difficult for me to combine raising a child and caring for the house, and I would like you to help me with this” [N. Shirokova, 2018].

Pavel Bilsky, an expert in the field of personal development and quality of life, advises adhering to the following principles that will help you get the desired support:

Choose the right person: if we are not talking about professional help, determine for yourself who is an authority for you, who already has experience in solving similar issues or, conversely, is far from them. Such people see a problem from different sides, rather than assessing it superficially.
Ask positively: a person, due to his busyness, is more likely to respond to a confident tone than to a complaining one. This will show that you know what you're talking about and ask for help with a cool head rather than being driven by emotion.
Be clear in your presentation of thoughts: the clearer you describe the essence of the issue, the more effective the solution will be. Tell us what options you've already considered and why they didn't work. Suggest a few more ways to solve the problem and what you need to implement them. This will make it clear that you value your “savior’s” time and are not asking a question for the sake of asking a question.
Decide what kind of help is needed: you must clearly understand what will help resolve the issue. Maybe an outside opinion will be enough for you, or you need a mentor who will walk with you all the way from start to finish.
Tell us how you will use the advice in practice: indicate why you turned to this person for help. The reasons may be different: you consider his opinion authoritative or you want to compare recommendations with others. Emphasize exactly what you learned from the advice and what you will use and what you won’t.
Be grateful: even the most unselfish person will be pleased to receive gratitude in response to the help provided. We are not always talking about material rewards, and a simple “Thank you!” and a few nice words can do the trick.
Tell us about the results: knowing that your help helped achieve what you wanted is doubly pleasant. Tell us how the story ends, share your insights [P. Bilsky, 2020].

Even if you acted “according to science”, but did not get the desired result, this is not a reason for frustration and soul-searching. A number of observations and studies have shown that people are more willing to participate in charity and help others if they have previously seen an example of generosity from others. Drivers are more likely to help her change her tire when they see a lady driving with a flat tire on the road if, a few miles before, they see someone helping another girl change her tire.

Moreover, the desire to provide help can be influenced by the presence of strangers, ethnic differences, and even the city of residence, because, as research shows, residents of megacities are less likely to be responsive than residents of small towns. Therefore, it is, at a minimum, not logical to regard a refusal as personal hostility towards you [E. Ilyin, 2013].

How to ask for money correctly

If you cannot cope with financial difficulties on your own, then you need to know how to ask for money via the Internet so that it is given.

Basics of a good request:

Choose a site where you can ask for help.
Tell us about the problem. Try to write emotionally, but do not overload your request with clichés.
If you need money for treatment, purchasing medical equipment, prostheses, pay attention to the disease: when it appeared, how it progressed, how it was treated.
If you need money to open a business, try to infect those who read the post with your own enthusiasm.
Indicate possible contacts for communication, as well as payment details.

A person who knows how to ask for money on the Internet can count on transferring funds in the near future. If you find yourself on this page and are asking who you can ask for money online, you have already found the solution . Just write an appeal to people in the form below, and soon the problems will be resolved.

Request title

How to ask colleagues for help?

It is common to think that excellent results are the main condition for moving up the career ladder. In fact, the ability to seek advice and resources plays an important role. You shouldn’t rely on the people around you to notice that you need help. Statistics show that 75-90% of cases of assistance are a response to a request.

Vanessa Bones, a professor at Cornell University, found that strangers are 48% more likely to respond to help, and Swiss scientists have shown that those who spend a small amount on others feel happier than when they spend the same amount on themselves. Hence the conclusion: if you want to get help, switch your attention to the person. Avoid apologetic phrases like “I’m so embarrassed to ask you” or “I’m sorry to bother you, but can I ask you for help...” Don’t back the person into a corner or set them up for stress with your request.

Do not emphasize reciprocity) and do not belittle your request (“In general, I never ask for help, but now ...”) This way you make it clear that help is not very important. Heidi Grant, social psychologist, motivation expert and author of the book “The Psychology of Achievement” has identified 3 main keys to the responsiveness of others:

A sense of comradeship: Show your assistant that you are in the same boat. Every person has a need to belong to some social group, so you can safely appeal to this. A study by scientists showed that the very word “together” makes an impression. The participants in the experiment were seated in different rooms and given the same task. Some were told that they were also doing this task in other rooms, while others were assured that they were working alone. As a result, those who were aware of teamwork worked 48% longer, did it more efficiently and were less tired than others. Highlight the team's commonality. This may be a desire to occupy a new niche in the market or to overtake competitors. Remind your colleagues often of shared ideas and thoughts.
Positive Image: Remind your coworker that he is a significant figure and his professional and personal qualities put him in a unique position to provide support. Studies show that people are more willing to respond to requests for help when they are asked not just to help, but to “sacrifice with a generous hand,” and children from three years of age are more likely to put away toys if they are asked to “become helpers.”
Gratitude and giving back: Boomerang recently analyzed email response statistics. It turned out that letters ending with the phrase “Thank you in advance” were answered more often than others. Proactive gratitude encourages action. The feeling that the help led to the desired result is also motivating. Tell us why it is important for him to help. Remember your past achievements. For example, when you ask a colleague to help with a letter for a client, remind him that last time he helped you a lot with a presentation.

And one more important point: if you have the opportunity to give people a choice in how to help you, do it. Perhaps your ideas about solving the problem will differ, or maybe your assistants will look at the situation from a different angle and offer a more effective method of solving the issue [Heidi Grant, 2018].

In addition to the above tips, we recommend watching the video , from which you will learn several more effective methods for obtaining a positive response to a request:

Don't go abroad

It is very important to understand that in the case of complex long-term treatment (for example, with an oncological diagnosis), the choice of going abroad is actually emigration, and funds are not able to finance such a choice. If help can be obtained in Russia, you will not be paid abroad. This is exactly how most NGOs work now, collecting money for treatment and rehabilitation. In a large number of cases, in Russia you can get high-quality help - if not for free, then for money, and it will cost less than going abroad. Funds take this into account when deciding on collections.

The most difficult situation finds itself in the applicants who, without the recommendation of their treating doctors, went abroad for treatment, and there the funds collected on their own have run out, and the treatment must be continued. Unable to obtain independent medical recommendations (after all, no one cares for such a patient in their home country), the funds are forced to refuse them. Therefore, do not go abroad without the recommendation of your attending physician or another very serious reason - if you plan to be treated using charity funds.

Tips for lovely ladies

Asking a man for help is not just a necessity, but a kind of psychotherapy for the man himself. Judge for yourself: if a woman solves all her problems herself, then why does she need a man’s shoulder? This is how a change of roles occurs: the fair sex turns into the stronger half of humanity, each time reminding itself of Faina Ranevskaya’s phrase that the weaker sex is rotten boards, and the man loses the motivation to show his masculine qualities and begins to feel useless.

Men are built differently - you need to remember this. The idea that they should both bring in prey and be personal psychologists is more like a myth than the truth. This happens extremely rarely. When women ask the stronger sex for help, they fill them with masculine energy and themselves with feminine energy, and this helps maintain balance and harmony in relationships. Beautiful ladies have a responsible function - to initiate the process of joint development, showing the need for help.

Olga Valyaeva, author of books for women, recommends adhering to the following rules:

Ask in a kind and soft voice: the main reason for refusing a request is a commanding tone. It is necessary to distinguish a command from a request. When a woman asks, she does it in a kind and gentle intonation. Commands are given in a firm and sharp voice. If you are asking to add “Immediately!” to your request phrase, then you have confused family and army.
Repeat requests several times: a man is designed this way - he prefers to do only one thing at a time. If he needs to text while walking, he will most likely stop and only then start texting. Have you noticed? Women, by their nature, are multitasking: drinking coffee, rocking a baby and talking on the phone at the same time will not be difficult for them. If you asked a man for something while he was busy, rest assured that he did not understand the essence of the question. Set yourself up to repeat the same thing several times or wait until the moment is completely free. And don’t forget about the first point: even the tenth time, ask in a soft and kind voice.
The request must be specific: men do not understand hints or understand them in their own way. Even the interpretation of words may differ from women's understanding. Therefore, the request must be clear and transparent. Phrases “I like tulips so much!” and “I would be very pleased to receive a bouquet of tulips. Make me happy, please!” for women they are similar, but for men they are completely different.
Set tasks step by step: giving the entire to-do list at once is useless. There is a risk that only the first and last points will be remembered. Men are single-taskers, so ask in stages, and don't forget to praise upon completion of each task.
Take time to react: Men need time to process the request. If you don’t have the opportunity to wait, then decide the issue yourself; if so, then don’t deprive your other half of the chance to grow as a person. Of course, sometimes it’s faster to do it yourself, but an alliance implies joint development, don’t forget about it.
Be prepared for refusal : if a woman is not ready for a man to refuse, then she needs to start with those requests where the refusal will not be perceived painfully. If you were unable to achieve reciprocity the first time, you need to try again and again, but without reproaches or complaints.
Give thanks: any action should end with pleasant words from a woman. It doesn’t matter whether he completed a major task or just took out the trash - gratitude motivates him to complete tasks faster and with better quality.
Learn to want and allow yourself: if you cannot achieve a positive result even for the tenth time, think about whether you really want to be helped? If not, then the man has nothing to do with it [O. Valyaeva, 2012].

Building relationships is an art, mastering which you can achieve harmony and mutual understanding. If in your union requests are perceived as humiliation and admission of weakness, then it’s time to look into our online program “Building Relationships”, where you will learn to live a happier life together and grow and develop together. For now, let's summarize.

Who to ask for money on the Internet

Having decided where you can ask for money on the Internet, you should pay special attention to people who are capable of making a financial donation. They can be classified according to several criteria.

Citizenship. You can ask for money from both Russian citizens and foreigners . The main difference is the size of the allocated amount and the receptivity of the recipients. What is sometimes commonplace for a Russian can move a foreigner to tears.
Income level. According to statistics, citizens with an average level of income are considered the most responsive . This is due to the fact that they have not yet forgotten the difficulties of a low-income life, but can already afford additional expenses.
Gender. You can ask both women and men for help on the Internet. However, it is worth considering that representatives of the fairer sex are emotional and susceptible to other people’s misfortune and grief.

In addition, everyone who donates money to a good cause belongs to a certain category of citizens.

Sponsors are citizens or organizations that provide material support to those in need. Unfortunately, sometimes the main goal is not promotion, but advertising or self-promotion.
Patrons are wealthy people who provide comprehensive support to the arts and sciences.
Sympathetic citizens are ordinary people who empathize with the grief of others.

Video: Help from foreign businessmen.

Summary

Life is a series of events that you cannot always cope with alone. Even the strongest person sometimes needs support, because we are not robots, although robots do not repair themselves if they suddenly break down. Admitting that you need help is a sign of strength. It’s amazing how many seemingly serious problems can be solved quickly and easily, you just have to ask for support.

To be able to ask for help means to be sincere and open. This is how a person shows trust in his “savior” and emphasizes his importance. This helps strengthen relationships, make new acquaintances and save your own resources. Although one can be a warrior in the field, it is better to go into battle with a comrade or a whole platoon: then the enemy will have no chance.

We wish you good luck and ask you to answer one question:

We also recommend reading:

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Lessons of Wisdom from Diogenes of Sinope
Sue Johnson "Hold Me Tight"
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Altruism: definition and features
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Keywords:1Communications, 1Relationships