Your children have not yet gotten back on their feet, but their elderly parents already require care and financial support? Do you care about everyone around you, but don’t have a moment for yourself? You are a sandwich sandwiched between responsibilities and problems. Childless peers seem lucky to you, but are they really that happy? Jodie Day, psychotherapist and founder of the British women's organization Gateway Women, took on the question.
The lies we believe when we think we're alone
It cannot be denied that many roads of suffering are incredibly deserted. Yes, it is true that there is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9), and there are often more people who can understand our suffering than we think. However, these roads often remain deserted.
I remember when one of my kids was younger and we started to realize that he was struggling in ways that other kids didn't seem to do. As struggles turned into life-changing challenges, I left meetings, stores, and church feeling increasingly alone. I was on a scary journey that no one seemed interested in.
As the struggle intensified, I found myself withdrawing from those I cared about, staying home and suppressing the stress and emotional turmoil building up within me. Confused, afraid and with an uncertain future, I felt completely alone. Yes, there were those who tried to ask questions, offer suggestions or ways of communicating, but it never brought any real comfort. No one could truly dive into the pain, heartache and loneliness growing in my home and in my heart.
But do you know what I unexpectedly discovered during these lonely years? Gratitude for the lonely road I was given to travel. For with this came a greater understanding of what it means to be a follower of Jesus Christ and to know Him not only as my Savior, but also as comfort, support, hope and strength. I believe that only after we are stripped of the comforts of this world can we experience the true depth, depth and height of his love for us.
While I am grateful for what God is doing in me through this trial, the enemy has been working hard to take advantage of my loneliness at every opportunity. However, despite my attacks and lies, Christ took advantage of the enemy's intentions and instead shows me that this path of loneliness is not outside of His perfect will and plan for me.
Let's highlight some of the lies we tend to believe during times of loneliness.
I'm lonely and no one needs me
Maria! To reconsider your life position and get the desired changes, you need to work with yourself. Because when you sit and suffer, you are in a state of stagnation, which can sometimes last for many years and the problem begins to grow like a snowball. I invite you to my website, I have a lot of material on a variety of problems. Let me send you one of my articles. Good luck!(((
I can’t discharge myself - I carry everything inside me. Self-pity. Posted in Articles | February 13, 2014
I am often asked questions, which I answer on various psychological forums, and among them there are similar topics. It may sound a little different, but the meaning will still be about the same.
Sometimes we *wear a mask*, are forced to pretend, adapt to others, and our negative state keeps accumulating. And without giving it a way out, we can then have not very pleasant consequences.
Moreover, I want to note that there is no need to “discharge” in the gym (although this is also a very effective method of getting rid of negativity). Simply letting go of unresolved problems is enough, and your response will automatically change, as the problem will no longer be such, and you will simply forget about it.
In this regard, as a good psychologist, I have extensive experience working with similar problems, and of course, I will share this information with you.
It was a client from Moscow, 32 years old. She walked in with a smile on her face. She worked in the medical field, and was obliged to “keep face” while working with patients.
She really was quite positive, but sometimes problems made themselves felt.
The first topic was “self-pity.” And, of course, as often happens, there was a problem from the past behind it. The client saw herself as a 6-year-old girl who was left at home alone. She felt lonely and uncomfortable, the client felt very sorry for herself. To change the situation, we worked with parent-child issues, giving parents a resource of understanding, attention to their daughter, and love. And the girl was filled with self-confidence and the knowledge that everything would be fine for her.
The second situation: she remembered how she did her homework at home and failed to complete the task , then her mother slapped her on the head. The girl was hurt and offended. Now she realized that this was already in the past, but the story had a continuation.
When the girl grew older, she herself applied a similar method to her sisters. I, as an experienced psychologist, began to analyze this situation, and then it became clear what was causing this problem.
“I didn’t have my own personal space. I, as an older sister, had to look after the younger ones, and sometimes I couldn’t stand it...” After working through it and realizing it, the client said: “this is all in the past, but I want a resource of joy, warmth and cordiality.”
Then there was another memory where the client did not allow herself to be herself. It was a trip to the south with her aunt, and for this to happen again, she had to listen to her aunt, who, by the way, was a rather tough person. Now, this was no longer necessary. And the woman received for herself a resource of emancipation and openness.
Well, in conclusion, a funny story that also *surfaced*. The client remembered that when she was still a child, she entered her parents’ bedroom and saw (guess what...). The girl then quietly left the room, no one noticed her. But she still didn’t understand what was happening. This secret also contributed to her closeness and withdrawal into herself.
And she had an interesting association. The girl began to watch with interest the dogs that were mating, because she wanted to understand why her mother was then standing in the doggie position.
Now she has removed the embarrassment and excitement from herself, and filled herself with calmness and prudence.
The last memory of our work was dad. He felt excessively sorry for the girl, saying: “That’s what you are, we should feel sorry for you.” Now the client has removed this excessive self-pity that came to her from her dad.
Well, at the exit, when we began to check whether the problem had been solved, the client said that she no longer felt that the above-mentioned problem somehow bothered her.
Afanasyeva Liliya Veniaminovna, psychologist Voronezh
I'm afraid of being abandoned and unwanted (1 answer)
I am alone…
Lie: “Loneliness means I am alone.”
Truth: “Loneliness deprives those around me of external comfort, forcing me to seek comfort only in Christ.”
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our afflictions... (2 Corinthians 1:3)
Yes, there are times when God allows us to feel alone in the world around us. However, despite our extreme aversion to loneliness, God's grace allows us to temporarily immerse ourselves deeper in His Word and prayer in search of hope and life-giving unity with Him. Christ knows that we cannot find true and lasting comfort in anyone but Him, for He alone is the God of all comfort.
By eliminating the earthly comforts that surround us, the Lord is guiding us in one of two directions: toward deeper intimacy with our Savior or toward the opening of an unrepentant heart that ultimately desires comfort.
Brother or sister in Christ, if you feel alone in your suffering, thank God that He loves you enough to allow this time in your life to bring you closer to Him. He does this not out of harshness, but out of a desire to strengthen your faith and provide you with what only he can give.
Nobody understands…
Lie: “I am the only one who has suffered this way, and no one will ever understand my pain.”
Truth: “Christ will not ask me to suffer what he himself has not yet suffered, and many who have gone before me have walked similar or more difficult paths than I have to bring me the comfort they have received in Christ.”
One of the reasons why temptation arises is that we often do not know many of the people in our immediate circle of friends, family, or even acquaintances who have been called to bear the particular burden we have been assigned to bear. Even if we do know another person who can relate to our pain, different temperaments and levels of maturity in our faith provide unique experiences and responses within the same shared challenge. So, while the reality is that others may have experienced a similar form of suffering, in our eyes no one can fully understand our own.
If the enemy can make us believe that there is really no one who can understand, it will tempt us to keep others out, even those whom God has provided for us as support and encouragement. The danger of this isolation is that it will take us away from the people who surround us with the truth when we need it most, sending us toward bitterness, depression, bitterness, regret, and ultimately, uselessness in the kingdom of God.
Therefore, we must remind ourselves of this truth:
For just as we share richly in the sufferings of Christ, so through Christ we richly share in the consolation. If we suffer, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. (2 Corinthians 1:5-6)
Jesus Christ is the only one who can be fully immersed in our pain. Only He knows our hearts, temperaments, insecurities, fears, emotions and desires. So we fight the temptation to leave by first realizing that only Christ can fill the deep holes left by life's heartache. When we understand that only Christ can bring us true and lasting comfort, we free people from having to live up to our expectations. And as we free people from living up to our expectations, our eyes are opened to the gift of the Body of Christ and His comfort through His people.
Our Savior does not comfort us by encouraging us from a distance. Instead, he comforts us with the assurance of our salvation, the power of the Holy Spirit and the body of Christ, giving us strength, courage, and boldness.
Loneliness and fear. When no one understands and no one is on your side.
There are several situations in which a person greatly needs help and sympathy, but receives rejection and loneliness.
- Intense deep grief.
It scares many people. Social mechanisms work to support such a person. Everyone knows that they need to sympathize and help.
But psychological individual mechanisms work for protection.
One of these defenses is an irrational belief: since something bad happened, it means the person himself is bad and “life punished” him.
This belief is based on the illusion of one’s omnipotence and the need for security.
I am a good person, and therefore sorrows and suffering will pass me by.
Another irrational belief that “it’s contagious.” Accordingly, intuitively people begin to avoid contact with someone in deep grief.
And then a social vacuum forms around the suffering, grieving person.
What supports people in severe grief is understanding and recognizing their right to grieve as long as they grieve.
And, more often than not, there are several close people who really sympathize and love and help you get through a difficult period.
- Extreme psycho-emotional pain
With severe pain of this level, any person behaves very selfishly, since he actually does not see or hear anything around him except his pain and the desire to alleviate it.
To alleviate it, you need either external resources, and they will last for a short period of time, something like psychological anesthesia.
And they may not have much effect.
Or, you need to get to the causes of pain, unfold the feelings, thoughts and desires that make up it, reconsider erroneous beliefs, and then the healing processes will begin.
But at the very peak of pain, a person remains alone, in a vacuum and emptiness, as the self-preservation instinct of those around him works and they move away.
Often a person begins to behave very aggressively, which scares away the few remaining near him.
- When a person doesn't understand himself
A fairly common case is when a person feels bad, but he does not understand what is wrong. He cannot clearly say what exactly he wants. Or, what he says is NOT realistic to get, but he is sure that he has the right, and moreover, that he SHOULD be given it.
If in the first two cases people would like to show sympathy and support, if they understood, knew and knew how to do this specifically, then in such a situation a person really faces complete loneliness.
He created a picture of the world within himself, but reality refutes it.
How it works?
Using the example of the story that we are exploring, the heroine fantasized and believed that the guy in love with her would ALWAYS understand her silently and fulfill her wishes. That he will always be active and in a good mood.
And she, “I’m a girl,” can be crying, whining, passive, contradictory, critical, but he will still love her and make her happy.
And her suffering is not only due to the fact that the reality turned out to be very different, and the guy still does not turn into a “magical prince in love with active” influence on her methods.
They also don’t support her, they don’t sympathize with her, because they don’t understand what the problem is.
Her dialogues with friends or colleagues are something like this:
***
“He doesn’t love me, he ignores me, everything is terrible!” I want to leave!
- Seriously? And what is wrong? Did he go on a spree or hit him? Or did you have a fight?
- He doesn't wash the dishes! And he didn’t put the dirty things in the washing machine!
- Uh... You said that he is smart, educated, has an apartment, allows you everything, is handsome, doesn’t drink, works...
- Well, yes! But he doesn't pay attention to me!
— …..
- and doesn’t wash the dishes! And things...
- well... yes, hire someone, you both make good money! Or install a dishwasher! Business!
- You do not understand! – our heroine gets angry, offended and almost cries.
And indeed, at such a simple, everyday level, they do not understand it.
Everything is fine, what else does she need? Problem washing two cups? Seriously?
***
And it turns out that her inner experiences are devalued, denied and rejected.
They boil inside, not finding FORM - words to exit.
She stops trusting her feelings and sensations.
She feels bad, but those around her say that everything is fine. What should I do? Who is right?
As a result, she may be in an uncomfortable situation for herself for years, since she cannot clarify and explain to herself or others why she is leaving such a good guy.
And she stays.
Suppressed anger and resentment accumulate.
The situation is not being resolved.
And so the potentially wonderful years of her and his youth pass.
What to do in such a situation? When working with a psychologist, carefully examine and learn to speak and explain, look for the reasons for the discomfort that a person feels.
Until clarity arises. When the feelings, thoughts, desires that really exist from within will be named.
Then energy appears for an active life and action.
READ MORE …
Where to put aggression? The shadow side of "good" people
God shouldn't love...
Lie: “A loving God would not force me down such a lonely road. If he truly loves me, he will always be supportive, encouraging and understanding to those around me.”
Truth: “A loving God sent his Son along the loneliest road that man has ever known, so that I would never have to walk the road alone.”
“Think of Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged.” (Hebrews 12:3)
Without the grace of Jesus Christ, none of our suffering in this life would have any purpose, value, or hope. But it is so because of the Gospel! So, instead of viewing these lonely times as our enemies and something to be avoided at all costs, we can view them as a privilege and a call to walk the lonely road of Calvary with our Savior. He allows us to see glimpses of the path He walked so that we too can experience in Him great comfort and reward that will be ours for all eternity.
“I almost came to terms with the feelings of guilt and loneliness”: Leslie’s story
The next heroine is 57-year-old Leslie. The absence of children prompted her to write a book for other similarly unhappy women about how to find the strength to live and enjoy being a “childless orphan.”
“I had to come to terms not only with the fact that I would never have children, but also with a terrible feeling of guilt and even shame,” says Leslie. — My parents died without waiting for their grandchildren. Dad loved children very much, babysat my cousins' babies all the time and looked forward to the day when he would become a grandfather. I really wanted to make him happy with the birth of a grandson or granddaughter, but I never managed to get pregnant. Even after six IVF attempts.
In 2006, my mother died of Parkinson's disease; she was 74 years old. When this happened, dad couldn’t even cry... I, too, kept all the pain and tears inside myself, I chose to push this sad feeling deeper - where my broken dream of becoming a mother already lay.”
In 2014, at the age of 84, Leslie's father also died of cancer.
“When dad left, I couldn’t find the strength to hold back any longer,” the woman shares. “The grief that had been accumulating for years covered me completely. At first, I couldn’t even fully comprehend what it was like to have neither parents nor children. There was only one question in my head: how to live now? Long-term psychotherapy and communication with the same unfortunate people on the Internet helped me not to go crazy and get out of depression.
My husband is a wonderful person, and our relationship can be called ideal. But despite this, I still have a feeling of loneliness that I am still trying to come to terms with. Although I am working hard to stay afloat and not get discouraged. What can I recommend to those who find themselves in the same situation? Don’t ignore your grief, live through it, acknowledge the pain and, if possible, communicate with those who understand your feelings well.”
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I have little faith...
Lie: “If I feel lonely, I must not have enough faith.”
Truth: “By holding on to Jesus despite your loneliness, you will show others that He is worthy of the lonely path I walk. This is a beautiful, Christ-glorifying image of faith in my Savior, who walked the painful and lonely path to Calvary for my salvation, hope and consolation. I am honored and privileged to be called to follow in His footsteps because it reassures me that I am a child of God.”
Jesus Christ said: “Behold, the hour is coming, truly it has come, when you will be scattered, each one to his own house, and leave Me alone. But I am not alone, because the Father is with me. I have told you this so that you may have peace in Me. There will be troubles in the world. But take heart; I have conquered the world." (John 16:32-33)
Even the loneliness we experience on these painful roads is ordained by the loving hand of God. Although we feel alone, we are never truly abandoned. He allows these seasons to awaken in his children perseverance, strength, unshakable faith, and exclusivity for the gospel. Loneliness reminds us that this world is not our home, that we are assigned to spread the Gospel in the place and time set aside for us.
Loneliness is not hopelessness, and it does not defeat us, but, on the contrary, gives us the opportunity to know Christ more and make Him known to others.
As a believer, I fully understand that there are some incredibly painful and lonely roads that some of us are asked to walk. I've experienced this in a very real and raw way in my own life, so I don't say these things to simply "teach" the right way to deal with the loneliness that many of us experience. My hope is that you will be encouraged, strengthened, and determined not to give in to the lie of the loneliness of pain, and instead allow it to magnify the gospel in your life.
Have you found yourself believing any of these lies when you're single?
"Who will tend my grave?": Katie's story
Katie is 54 years old. She is unmarried, has no children, and her parents died several years ago. The woman does not hide her sadness and openly talks about feeling lonely and unwanted.
“I lost my roots with my parents,” says Katie. “Now I feel like I’m in a vacuum and there’s nothing holding me here.” I think if I disappeared, no one would even notice.”
“When I asked her when she realized the severity of her situation, Katie said it was during her great-niece’s baptism,” says psychotherapist Jodi Day. “The ceremony took place in the church where Katie’s mother was buried almost a year ago.”
“It was not easy for me to cope with the surging emotions,” recalls Katie herself. “I even had to go outside for a while so as not to attract too much attention to myself.” I wandered around the church cemetery and automatically read the inscriptions on the tombstones. At some point, I realized that almost all the epitaphs were addressed to loving mothers and dear grandparents. I compared well-groomed graves and those overgrown with grass: that’s when it hit me.”
Since then, the woman has been tormented by the realization that there is no one to care for her grave. In a conversation with a psychotherapist, Katie noted that she felt the real agony of a “childless orphan.”
“I was left completely alone and I don’t know what to do with it,” she says. “When my mother was alive, I helped her with shopping and cleaning. When she got cancer, I visited her in the hospital almost every day - it was like my second job. Now my mother is gone, and I no longer have any meaning in life.”
When my friends or colleagues complain about being torn apart by their children and aging parents, I listen, nod my head, but never comment. Their problems once again make me think about the meaning of my own life, about its worthlessness.”
“What burdens women of the sandwich generation becomes almost a dream for single and childless women,” comments Jodi Day. “The lack of blood relatives makes them black sheep among their peers. Although, I believe, this is a manifestation of a basic human instinct - to want to be part of a family, to feel one’s roots.
Unfortunately, in society, Katie’s situation is not considered any kind of grief; on the contrary, someone would even call her lucky, because she is not burdened with anything and is still quite young. However, this reasoning misses how important it is for many women to care for someone, give their love and support. Even if you are married, your husband cannot replace your parents or children. Yes, you can take care of each other and love, but this is a relationship of a different kind.
Today, the cult of parenthood reigns in society,” continues the psychotherapist. “You can try your best, succeed at work, be a successful businesswoman, but if you are childless and single, all your achievements are taken for granted or are completely devalued. A woman’s parental status is placed above her personal success.”
A parable about loneliness
One young man was overcome by the fear of loneliness - it seemed to him that no one needed him. He came to share his feelings with the wise old man. - Teacher, I'm lonely. What to do? This feeling always accompanies me, even if I am among people. - Okay, I will help you, but first you need to pass the test. It will last 3 days, you will have to do everything I tell you.
The guest agreed. On the first day, the elder blindfolded the guy so that he could see absolutely nothing. For the whole day he had to live a normal life, but with a blindfold. Oh, these days lasted for an eternity and were very difficult - by touch the man found the objects that he needed and with difficulty fulfilled the simple requests of his household.
On the second day, the sage also tied his charge’s ears. It was terrible. On the third morning, the subject was locked in a dark, windowless room.
The night has passed, and now - the long-awaited freedom and the test passed! - I survived everything! Well, can you help me with my problem? - Do you still have this feeling? – asked the old man. - To be honest, no. I realized that I did not notice or appreciate how beautiful the world around me is - such a riot of colors, sounds, many possibilities and sensations... - As long as you can enjoy the gifts of the Creator - the sea, sky, earth, you will never be alone. - What if the fear of loneliness returns to me again? What to do then? - Come to me again, I’ll come up with a new test. – the teacher smiled.
I am very lonely - what should I do?
Man is a social being. We need someone nearby with whom we can share joy and pain, our achievements and disappointments. At the very beginning of the Bible, Genesis, it is described how God created the whole world that we see around us.
Night and day, stars, atmosphere, land, oceans, plants and animals. And here is a man to whom all this has been given into possession. The Creator places Adam in the Garden of Eden so that he can manage it and cultivate it. This is how the first family appeared, which the Almighty commanded to give birth to children, filling the Earth. Having friends, family and loved ones is a great blessing. The Bible also talks a lot about friendship. For example, that you need to be friendly yourself so that others want to have a relationship with you. But does this mean that all that is required is to get married, give birth and sometimes meet with friends and relatives?
Fear of being alone in old age?
Give birth, adopt, raise, then you will have a glass of water and a call once a week. If you're lucky, they'll let you babysit your grandchildren. At worst, you'll get a dog.
And if you’re young, go ahead and fill your time with your career, entertainment, travel, and novels. Live to the fullest, as they say.
You can bury yourself in the illusion of communication and self-importance - social networks, games, forums, career.
Surely you know such people or are one yourself - alone in an apparently prosperous marriage and feeling pain in your soul and emptiness even in a noisy company of friends.
It was an extra day off - and it was unbearable. Looking for something to keep yourself busy. You turn on the TV so as not to hear your thoughts. In the car - a radio, while eating - a smartphone. Get to sleep quickly so that in the morning you can return to the whirlwind of everyday work. The children have grown up, and now not only the apartment is empty, but also the soul.
Eating cake, drinking a glass or two, extreme sports, shopping - everyone has their own ways to drown out unresolved questions of the meaning of life.
We are afraid of loneliness because it reveals the emptiness inside that only God can fill. Everything else is a surrogate for happiness, a temporary phenomenon. Sometimes, like the young man in the parable, you have to lose a lot in order to see the main thing. Perhaps this is what is happening to you now?
We all have to die one day
Unfortunately, the number of mourning relatives at your bedside or “ex” crying at the funeral will not brighten up your stay THERE. Don’t take with you dizzying novels and great experiences, a toned body, a successful career with loyal like-minded colleagues and even fame with a crowd of fans.
Perhaps this is why it is in old age, when people are left alone with themselves, that many turn to faith. Because only the Lord can fill the emptiness in the heart.
If the Almighty for you is Heavenly Father, Savior, teacher, friend, brother (yes, this is what Christ calls himself in the Gospel for those who believe and confess), you will never be alone. Even if everyone turns away, doesn’t understand, betrays you, doesn’t appreciate you - He is with you, and has already taken a step towards you, dying on the cross for your sins. Now it is your turn to respond with faith and repentance.
The bottomless starry sky, the singing of birds, drops of dew on the emerald grass and the sea breeze - you will begin to notice all this, feel and see care from above every day. In any situation, you will have confidence - He is in control and will not leave you. And even if there is death, illness, collapse, there is hope! But if you have not reconciled with Him, and the Creator for you is a formidable judge, a distant universal mind or an invention of people, loneliness will haunt you. Like an orphan without a father, who has grown up long ago and is busy with his own affairs, you will feel a gnawing pain inside. Everything is there, but something is missing. The most important thing is the One who gives meaning to everything and sheds the light of eternity on life.
Author Sarah Walton is co-author of Together Through the Storms: Biblical Encouragement for Your Marriage When Life Hurts (The Good Book Company, 2020). She is also the co-author of the award-winning book Hope When It Hurts and blogs at SetApart.net. She lives with her husband Jeff and their four children in Chicago, Illinois. You can find more of Sarah and Jeff's stories in their book trailer. In her free time, she dreams about what she would do if she actually had free time.
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“I mourn my parents and can’t calmly look at little children”: Ann’s story
Anne always dreamed of having a child. The woman struggled with infertility for many years and once even managed to get pregnant. But Anne was never able to experience the joy of motherhood: midway through her long-awaited pregnancy, her long-awaited pregnancy was interrupted. The doctors told her that another attempt would not end well - there was no more hope.
“I had a really hard time accepting the fact that I would never be able to have children,” says Anne. “And when my parents died one after another, it was as if I was crushed by a huge anvil. It was a very difficult test.
Now I am 56 years old. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I had children and grandchildren. It would probably be very rich and interesting. Although I won’t say that my husband and I live a boring life: we have enough time and opportunities for travel, hobbies and communication. We both had to accept our childless life as it came, making something good out of the situation.”
Based on the Daily Mail
