It would seem that when the death of a father occurs at an advanced age, it should not be a surprise, it should be perceived as part of life, a natural process. Therefore, coping with the loss is easier. But actually it is not. Death is a grief that reflects a lost connection. This loss is not lessened because you are an adult or because your father lived a long life. We lose a loved one instantly, but the consequences of this remain for life. The social network remember.rus is designed to help cope with sadness.
Acknowledge and mourn the loss
Very often, the first feeling that comes after hearing about the death of a loved one is disbelief. Death is not a natural event, so what happened seems impossible. It may seem that by disagreeing with this you can avoid the experience. Therefore, denial or disbelief is normal. This is why there may not be tears immediately or at the funeral.
However, after a certain time, awareness still comes, and this is always unexpected. Sometimes such feelings are said to be “overwhelming” or “encompassing completely, not allowing you to think about anything else.” During this period, you need to give vent to your feelings and mourn your loss.
You can't let someone else decide whether a grief reaction is normal. Some may feel like they are grieving too much or not enough. It is better to forgive and forget such an opinion of others. The reaction to grief is an individual concept, and no one can impose their own standards.
One way to release your feelings is to cry. Although it may seem to someone that if a person restrains his feelings it will be easier for him or that this is a sign of strength. Actually this is not true. A person cries not because he is weak, but because he is in pain. Tears are a natural reaction; the body is designed in such a way that, along with tears, substances that calm the nervous system are released. In this way, tears really help to calm down. True, this does not apply to people whose crying turns into a hysterical state.
You can ease your worries by talking about your feelings. It can be stopped by fear of misunderstanding or reluctance to upset others. But if everyone struggles with grief alone, it will only make the situation worse. After the death of dad, it will be easier for mom and children if they unite with each other. And for this you need to talk, including about experiences, fears and pain.
There is no need to compare yourself and family members, deciding who is worse off and who grieves more. Everyone feels bad, and trying to support each other makes it easier to cope with their feelings.
There is a good chance that someone in extreme pain will say something that hurts feelings. It is worth remembering that now this person is talking about his pain. Most likely, he doesn’t really think so, it’s just how he feels at the moment.
There are situations when you can’t talk about your feelings, or there’s simply no one to talk to. Some people note that they felt a little better after they expressed their feelings on paper. This could be a diary in which everything that worries you is written down, or letters to the deceased. One woman wrote letters to her son for more than ten years. She says it helped her get through her grief.
A teenager's grief
The most difficult age for a child is, of course, adolescence. At this time, they are already very emotional and are going through a difficult period, and having lost their father, they are completely unsettled. The teenager begins to look for bad company, secretly smokes cigarettes and drinks alcohol, and even worse, tries drugs. At this age, children hide their emotions from others and most often remain silent. But inside they are very worried, sometimes reaching the point of attempting to commit suicide. It is important to provide the teenager with the proper attention, care and love so that he knows that he can always find support in his mother.
Guilt
Regardless of what the relationship was with dad, whether family members lived far from each other or close, because of which he died and other factors, a feeling of guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. This is how our subconscious tries to explain what happened. My thoughts pop up: “if I had persuaded him to go to the doctor...”, “if we hadn’t quarreled then...”, etc. It's part of the reaction to loss that you can't come to terms with. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.
Guilt is a symptom that appears regardless of circumstances.
We must remember that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step.
To miss something imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone death and failing to foresee anything are two different things. It is clear that no one had any desire to harm his father. Therefore, there is no need to consider yourself guilty of his death.
Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone’s guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts haunt you, during a conversation it is worth gently clarifying what the family member thinks about this. The main thing is to refrain from making accusations.
The purpose of the conversation is not to find someone to blame, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation cannot be avoided, you need to choose your words very carefully. And you shouldn’t be surprised when you hear counter questions - most likely, thoughts about someone’s guilt arise in all family members.
In addition to guilt, there may be a feeling of missed opportunities. So much has not been said or done! Unfortunately, no one can be the perfect child for their father. This doesn't mean Dad wasn't loved enough. This means that all people are not ideal, and this must be recognized in relation to yourself.
"Negation"
The countdown of the stages of experiencing grief begins from the moment a person learns about the misfortune that has befallen him, and the first wave of reaction occurs on his part.
Otherwise, the stage of denial is called shock, which perfectly characterizes the onset of the following symptoms: distrust; irritation towards the one who brought the news; numbness; an attempt to refute the obvious fact of death; inappropriate behavior towards the deceased mother (attempts to call her, waiting for her for dinner, etc.)
As a rule, the first stage lasts until the funeral, when the person can no longer deny what happened. Relatives are advised to protect the mourners from preparing for the funeral ceremony and allow them to speak out and throw out all their emotions, which primarily express bewilderment and resentment. It is useless to console a person who is at the stage of denial - information of this kind will not be perceived by him.
How to live on
Immediately after a tragedy occurs, it may seem that life has stopped. Most likely, problems with sleep and appetite will begin. You need to make a conscious effort to return to your normal daily routine as soon as possible. If you can’t return to your normal routine, it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist.
You should not solve the problem with alcohol. Thus, problems simply accumulate, and their solution is postponed. It is more difficult to resolve issues in an advanced stage.
How do children aged 6-8 years experience grief?
A child aged 6 to 8 years is a schoolchild who, in communication with peers, tells them about his parents. Therefore, it is important to help children be prepared for questions, where is your dad? You need to teach him to answer briefly, with one phrase, “He died.” But it’s better not to tell others how it happened. The child may behave aggressively with peers and the teacher, so it is important to warn the teacher about the incident so that he can keep an eye on him.
Making decisions
Often the father has many responsibilities. But even if this is not the case, after his death there are many serious decisions to be made. These include questions such as:
- What to do with the things of the deceased and everything that reminds him of him?
- Does a mother need to move in with her adult children?
- If the children are too young to earn money, how can a mother support her family? How can they help her?
Some people believe that it is necessary to immediately get rid of the things of the deceased so that nothing disturbs the soul. However, many widows and children of the deceased later regret that they hastened to such a decision. Of course, at first these things will most likely cause pain and may need to be removed. But then, when the pain subsides a little, a strong desire may appear to touch anything that was connected with the deceased. Therefore, it is worth leaving something as a keepsake.
Another serious decision is for the mother to move in with her adult children. To children, this may seem like the only right decision that needs to be made as soon as possible. However, such a move is additional stress for the mother. There is no need to rush her: perhaps the best place for her to mourn her loss is in the house where she lived with her husband.
It can be a very difficult situation when the mother is solely responsible for financially caring for her children. Immediately after the incident, there may be a thought: “after my husband’s death, I no longer need anything.” This is not selfishness, this is pain. But this is a situation when you need to think about the future of your children and your own. It is worth asking someone close to you to find out about possible benefits and payments in government agencies and at the place of work of the deceased. There is no need to refuse help.
Don't go to extremes. If, after the death of her husband, the mother throws herself into work, the children may feel even more severe pain. You should not expect that after redistributing responsibilities everything will immediately improve. You need to give yourself and your family time to get used to such changes.
Stages of Grief
For parents, the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason that would justify this departure. But the worst thing is that there is no cure for this torment. Along with the death of a child, a mother buries her heart; it is impossible to survive the death of her son, just as it is impossible to move a mountain. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, incredibly difficult, but nature itself has a natural mechanism for relieving stress from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, what stages does someone who has experienced the death of their son go through:
- Shock.
- Sobs and hysterics.
- Depression.
- Mourning.
- Parting.
Reverence to the deceased
You can express your respect to the deceased in other ways without dooming yourself to eternal torment. For example, you can visit the grave more often, pray for peace, make an album of happy photos, or collect all his homemade cards together. During periods of melancholy, you need to remember only happy moments and be grateful for the fact that they existed.
On the second Sunday in December at seven in the evening you need to put a candle on the windowsill. On this day, parents who have lost their children unite in their grief. Each light makes it clear that the children illuminated their lives and will forever remain in their memory. It is also hope that grief will not last forever.
What not to do
There is no need to run away from heartache. Moreover, you should not drown it out with alcohol. In a state of intoxication, the feeling of guilt and pain only intensifies. The mental trauma received from the realization of the death of parents may worsen, and a desire to say goodbye to life and reunite with loved ones appears. Don't allow such situations to happen! Don't agree to drown your sadness in a glass! It’s better to cry, mourn, give pain the opportunity to take a place in your life, and then say goodbye to it safely!
Having experienced all the stages of accepting the death of parents, a person feels changes in himself. It is quite natural to want to change your place of residence, job, and find new people to communicate with. Of course, your old life will never return, but you have the power to live it in such a way that your loved ones, who are nearby or who have passed on to another world, are proud of you!
Parable
One day, an old man’s daughter died. She was very beautiful and young, the inconsolable parent simply could not find a place for herself. After the funeral, he came to Mount Ararat every day and asked God why he took his daughter, who could live for many more years.
For many months the old man left without an answer, and then one day God appeared before him and asked the old man to make him a staff, then he would answer his question. The old man went to the nearest grove, found a fallen branch and made a staff out of it, but as soon as he leaned on it, it broke. He had to look for stronger material. He saw a young tree, cut it and made a staff, which turned out to be surprisingly strong.
The old man brought his work to God, who praised the staff and asked why he cut a young tree that still had time to grow. The old man told everything, and then God said: “You yourself answered your questions. In order to lean on the staff and not fall, it is always made from young trees and branches. So in my kingdom I need young, youthful and beautiful people who can be a support.”
Children are the rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and learn a lot. But not everyone is destined to live happily ever after, you need to understand this and continue to live, keeping in your heart the joy that this child was once there.
