When a daughter is born, the mother sincerely hopes for a warm relationship with her. But the girl grows, her character, habits, and behavior are formed, and it often happens that she moves away from her family. If contact is not restored in time, family relationships can take on an extremely ugly hue. Without trust in her mother's advice, a girl risks making mistakes and ruining her destiny.
How to improve relationships with an adult daughter? Put yourself in her position and become her friend. When hostility and anger disappear between you, the girl will feel maternal love and support, she will be able to perceive the instructions differently. Give up harsh measures and pressure, and you will get results.
How to improve your relationship with your adult daughter
First of all, you need to realize that the child’s behavior is the result of your upbringing. It is not enough to just love him, you need to instill respect for elders from childhood, teach him discipline and work. At the same time, we must not forget about the needs of the child, please him, help, support, make his dreams and desires come true.
A family should be a team where everyone has their own responsibilities, a common goal and a solid shoulder to lean on. With such a relationship, neither the difficult teenage period, nor everyday problems or misfortunes are scary.
If harmonious and strong relationships have not developed since childhood, it will not be easy to establish them with an adult daughter. Still, it is easier to understand a small man than a big one. But you shouldn’t give up either. How can you improve your relationship with your teenage daughter?
- Ask your daughter what you have done or are doing that is not what she would like her mother to be. Silently listen to all the complaints and digest the information. Children themselves give hints to adults, but their own egoism prevents them from hearing and perceiving them.
- Ask for forgiveness if something is your fault.
- Start changing your relationship for the better. First, stop judging your daughter, quarreling with her and causing trouble. Still, such methods do not work.
- Start involving the girl in activities that are interesting to you and her. For example, sign up for a course in making sushi, cakes, or photography training. If your daughter rejects all ideas, do it yourself and then share the results. After a while, try again.
- Be interested in her life, hobbies, plans. Try not to make it seem like the goal is to control the situation. Show interest and participation, ask if your help or advice is needed.
We must strive with all our might to restore trust. It will happen, the relationship will gradually improve on its own. Take it to the next level – partnership. Be on the same page, it will bring a lot of pleasure to both daughter and mother.
Two in one boat
Often, in difficult mother-daughter relationships, the offended party believes that only she suffered. At the same time, it is not at all considered that the conflict caused moral damage to the other side. The psychology of the relationship between daughter and mother can be so complex that sometimes it is impossible to understand which of them has it worse. Both consider themselves victims.
But mothers and daughters, when they complain about each other, must understand that they have to go through the main stages of their female journey together. In moments of crisis, they become similar to each other, like two drops of water. Both of them are just frightened girls - small and big. The two of them have received a challenge from their inner world and cannot cope with it. If this is not understood, then mother and daughter will have to continue to build barricades throughout their lives, being on opposite sides. It is not right. It is important for loved ones to walk alongside you. They must support each other throughout their lives, understanding that they are inextricably linked with each other.
What interferes with a harmonious relationship with an adult daughter?
All parents abuse their power over their children to one degree or another. The understanding that a child does not belong to the mother, that he is an individual, with his own desires and beliefs, often comes through painful experience. Some continue to hold a grudge against their daughters all their lives because they act contrary to their parents’ opinions or choose the wrong profession or husband. And such an attitude brings only one misfortune.
The main reasons for a bad mother-daughter relationship:
- parental selfishness;
- the desire to have undivided possession of your child;
- envy of youth and beauty, rivalry;
- overprotection;
- nervousness, constant stress.
It is difficult for any mother to realize that the child is growing up and separating. How can you understand that your daughter is ready for an independent life, that she does not overestimate her strength? How to protect her from mistakes? This burning question worries a loving heart so much that the woman begins to go too far: she strictly controls the girl, does not allow her to go out, weeds out the “wrong” friends, quarrels with boys, etc.
Instilling feelings of guilt
What causes complex relationships between an adult daughter and her mother? Sometimes some women try to instill in their child the idea that he is in an unpayable debt to them. In the psychology of complex relationships between an adult daughter and mother, it is not important what situation became the reason for such a conclusion. It is likely that in this way the woman makes up for her lack of fulfillment in the profession or tries to explain the lack of attention from men. The mother may believe that this is why her daughter should always be near her, otherwise she will turn out to be an ungrateful selfish person. As a result, the girl will have to choose one of the following models of behavior for herself: to be indignant and demand the right to personal space; experience a constant feeling of guilt and devote your life to your mother.
How mothers spoil their daughters
The only way to avoid spoiling your daughter is by raising her with your own, worthy example. Children always repeat after adults, absorbing both good and bad like sponges. Did the girl try alcohol? Ask yourself a question: isn’t it customary in your family to drink if you want to have fun or get together with a group of family and friends? Not tidying up your room? Do you always pack your things yourself?
We are all not perfect, and, alas, we cannot raise ideal children. Everyone is flawed in some way. But if there is humanity inside, love for family and love of family, all flaws become meaningless.
Mother doesn't love daughter
There are so many girls around who are insecure, not feminine, and don’t value themselves. The reason for this is maternal dislike. Girls who experience a lack of attention from their parents are different from others from childhood. They have no friends, they are modest, dressed sloppily and do not know how to communicate. It’s a pity for such girls, because the older they become, the harder it is for them to live. More often this happens in single-parent families, with parents of alcoholics and drug addiction. But there are also rich, successful mothers who don’t care about their children.
How to determine that a mother does not love her daughter:
- coldness from the mother;
- indifference in the child’s personal life;
- abuse and assault;
- nurturing a sense of duty to the mother.
The absence of maternal instinct cannot be corrected. If such a relationship is a burden for you, then you should break it off. Psychologists agree that it is impossible to re-educate a mother and better accept her for who she is. But tolerating cruelty is not an option. If there is no one to protect you, then contact the police or guardianship authorities or wait until you reach adulthood to build your own life.
The situation when a mother hates her daughter leads to consequences:
- child's isolation;
- lack of self-confidence;
- inability to be feminine;
- ignorance of one's purpose;
- reluctance to have children of their own.
Children who have escaped from a difficult situation need the help of a psychologist. They will set priorities, give advice on how to cope with uncertainty, feel like a full-fledged person and find a path in life.
General traditions
Family is not just cohabitation and common life. It should give strength, and for this it is very important to know and honor your roots. Traditions strengthen family ties, answer the questions of who we are, what unites us, what is our contribution to society and the world. The daughter needs to be told who her ancestors are and how they lived. Typically, family traditions are passed down from generation to generation.
You can come up with completely new customs. For example, once a year, go on a trip or hike with the whole family, make dumplings with surprises every first Sunday (cookies with wishes), etc. It’s better to discuss the idea with your daughter; surely a young and flexible mind will come up with a lot of interesting options.
Areas of life that will have to change
In such situations, young women very often have problems with finances. If this is your situation, you will have to work hard. You may have to work two or three jobs, learn a new profession, or even more than one. Here you need to make every effort to become financially independent . This will give you a feeling of support.
Circle of friends
Assess your social circle. Who does it consist of? How do these people treat you, and how do you treat them? Think about why you need these people and what role they play in your life. If you have no friends at all, try to find them.
Create meaningful relationships: someone helps you, and you help someone. The more people who support you, the better.
Life position
Now only you will make all decisions in your life. At the same time, be prepared to take responsibility for them. In addition, you have to solve all your problems yourself and take the initiative into your own hands. Love difficulties and they will turn into simple solutions.
You might be interested in: the power of persuasion and self-confidence - what is the secret and can you achieve this on your own?
Manifestation of individuality
Sometimes it is very useful to remember yourself during your daughter’s years. Who, no matter how teenager, thinks that the whole world is at his feet. He wants to test his strength, achieve recognition and success. Help your daughter with this. Support her endeavors, even if at first glance they seem hopeless and crazy.
You cannot know in advance what this will lead to. For example, today it is fashionable to record various kinds of videos and post them on the Internet. Even if nonsense is filmed on it, but people watch it, the system pays money. Who knows, maybe such a hobby will bring significant income, or give experience, fame and push the girl to the profession of a TV presenter or journalist.
Birth
The relationship between mother and daughter at the initial stage is a symbiosis of two. The calmest and safest period for the fetus is its first nine months, which it spends in the womb of a woman. Subconsciously, every person remembers that feeling of serenity and strives to find it in the world around them.
Then the baby is born. And this is a difficult test for both him and his mother. Childbirth can be painful and difficult. During birth, some newborns sometimes receive birth injuries, the consequences of which a person sometimes suffers for the rest of his life. This moment is not easy for a woman either. After childbirth, serious hormonal changes occur in her body, financial difficulties arise, and violent emotions appear, ranging from joyful feelings to prolonged depression.
The mother’s condition has a direct impact on the baby’s psyche. But at the same time, a newborn daughter also begins to influence the woman. Sometimes a child who has received certain injuries during childbirth does not respond as actively to affection and intimacy as the mother would like. And this can already become the source of the beginning of misunderstanding in relations between close people.
Despite this, in the first year of a girl’s life, the psychological symbiosis of the mother-daughter relationship continues to persist. After all, the baby is helpless and requires constant attention and care. During this period, the woman devotes all her time to her and introduces her to the world around her.
At the symbiosis stage, girls need their mother's love. They completely trust their loved one and learn many things from him. Mom, in turn, needs the devotion and unconditional love of a little child’s heart. At the same time, she becomes the best and most beautiful in the world for her daughter. If at this stage the girl lacks attention, then she can remain at the stage of symbiosis for a long time. At the same time, in the future the child will try to please the mother in order to win her love. In this case, the child will not develop his own interests.
Psychologist's advice
“The one who first takes a step towards reconciliation and admits that he was wrong will be right,” says psychologist M. Sergeeva. – What is the use of arguing and defending your positions with your own daughter? Let her feel comfortable and calm next to you, and she will agree to meet you. Through confrontation and struggle, no one has yet managed to achieve mutual understanding and do good. Do everything with love"
Adolescent psychologists are unanimously confident that you need to show respect to children, and not just demand it towards yourself. Requests and instructions should not be made in a categorical manner. We need to look for a compromise in everything.
Many parents look forward to adolescence with horror, and live through it in the same horror. In fact, puberty only exposes problems that already exist in the family. Therefore, it is important to ask the question correctly. Not how I can improve my relationship with my teenage daughter, but how I can improve my relationship with my daughter in principle. Start with the foundation - trust and mutual respect. Stop raising an adult: your daughter has already absorbed all the good things you gave her. Let her express herself and just love.
Marina, Moscow
When relationships make women sick
The psychological state causes a response in the body. Here are the diseases that can arise as a result of a stressful relationship between mother and daughter:
- Functional disorders of the gastrointestinal tract: often gastritis, colitis, food intolerance (for example, from a strict dominant mother who turns pent-up “anger in the stomach” into illness).
- Respiratory tract diseases: often asthma (for example, from an overly anxious possessive mother who feels like she is “taking away the air her daughter breathes”).
- Skin diseases: often atopic dermatitis, chronic itching (for example, from a hostile mother whose behavior really “gets under the skin”).
- Neurotic disorders: often anxiety disorders, hypochondriacal disorders (for example, caused by an overly anxious possessive mother).
- Behavioral problems with physical disorders: anorexia, bulimia (for example, due to a violation of female identity).
Why do sisters fight?
How does the sisters' birth order affect their relationship?
The older sister often plays the role of a “second mother.” This is simply a seemingly strong position. A girl who constantly helps her parents, such as fetching her younger sisters from school or warming up dinner, loses a certain carelessness in childhood. In adult life, such women may be well organized, but they also tend to be controlling and self-sacrificing for others. They think that everything rests on their shoulders.
In turn, the middle sister is often a person with altruistic traits who mediates the sisterly relationship, so she has very developed social skills. But such a girl may also have the feeling that she is being overlooked and not noticed by her parents. All her life, entering into other relationships, she also exists as “average”, belittling her own needs.
Many family systems specialists point out that conflicts in the family usually arise when the original hierarchy is somehow violated (for example, when parents are more concerned about the opinion of the younger sister, and the older one is ignored, when the younger one has children, etc.) .
The youngest sister, on the one hand, is often the family favorite: her parents spoil her more than her older brothers and sisters. So she might say that since the older children have met their parents' expectations, she no longer needs to focus on that. On the other hand, the demands placed on her by older siblings can become a double burden for her and make her constantly feel like she is “the worst of the kids.” How to improve relations with your sister, how to make peace with your sister when you have more than two sisters in your family?
Awareness of who is who in the family line organizes family relationships and gives them the right rhythm. Of course, it is impossible to predict all scenarios, but it is worth remembering the order, especially in the case of parents.
How to improve your relationship with your younger or older sister
You are both already out of childhood. Everyone has a family and children. But you yourself are no longer children. You live in different places, each leading your own lifestyle. You meet mostly at your parents' house. And when you meet, treat each other the same way you did in childhood. This is your mistake. In your parents' house, you remember the rules by which you communicated. For example, “I’m older - you’re younger.” Or “you offended me all the time - I gave in to you.”
You are adults now. The concept of “younger-older” was in effect during growing up. Now he's gone. Each of you is a self-sufficient person. The person who is being approved. Has valid opinions. Give up the relationship model you had in childhood. Don't bring it into the present.
How to improve your relationship with your younger sister
Tip 13
We need to accept her as an adult. You no longer warm up her food or wipe her sniffles. This is what you are already doing with your children. Your sister is not far from you in age. After 20 years, the difference as such is no longer felt. Drop the “you’re younger and should obey me in everything” model.
Tip 14
We must stop commanding and teaching. All the more so to order. Now in front of you is a friend, the best, dear, dear and very familiar from childhood. With this way of thinking, you and her will become closer. Find common interests and topics for conversation among adults.
How to improve your relationship with your older sister
Tip 15
Throw away the model of children's relationships. Your sister will no longer braid your hair. Monitor homework. No one leaves you alone with her for the purpose of education. You don't have to play with her older friends anymore. Who ignored you and laughed. Your toys are now forever with you or your children. And no one is going to take them away. All. You are adults, building your relationships, your families. There are boundaries between you and that's good.
Tip 16
Be Peaceful Set an example for your children on how to behave with their sisters.
