Bullying at work: quit or improve your relationship? Psychology of success

Mobbing, bullying, bossing... These mysterious words mean just different options for bullying an employee they don’t like at work, organized by one or several people. Do you think this is not a threat to you? You are wrong. Any of us can become a potential victim, and the number of victims of office terror runs into the millions all over the world.

Conspiracy against the victim

Alla knows firsthand what it’s like when a team rejects you and doesn’t let you into their friendly ranks. She once worked in a company where the main contingent of workers were ladies much older than her. But instead of maternal care, the girl was faced with ignorance and open hostility from her colleagues. And although she liked the work and her bosses had no complaints against her, Alla had to quit a few months after the conspiracy against her began.

This is a typical example of mobbing (mob - crowd), or persecution of one person by a group of people. As a rule, the goal of mobbing and other types of psychological pressure is to make the victim lose his nerve and shamefully flee from the “battlefield.”

The main difference between targeted bullying and ordinary conflicts and strained relationships with someone is its consistency and duration, from several weeks to several years. There are other signs that suggest that a war has been launched against you. For example, regular criticism, often too petty or lacking any specifics; ridicule and insults; threats and outright slander. They hide important information from you or do not provide it on time; are loaded with tasks that are not particularly relevant to your competence; they are not invited to joint team events... But if you are presented with justified complaints about the truly poor quality of your work, you cannot attribute them to bullying.

A person who has been subjected to psychological terror may also develop health problems: sleep disorders, physical exhaustion, constant migraines, depression and various diseases. Self-esteem falls, self-doubt appears. When dealing with health problems, pursuers will also not fail to play another trump card: “Why keep an employee who is always on sick leave?”

Why bullying occurs: reasons

Why can’t such a phenomenon as bullying be eradicated? Moreover, why is it becoming more common? This is preceded by a huge number of reasons, and the very first is violence in the bully’s family, where he himself is a victim. Thus, the desire to humiliate a person arises from an inferiority complex. Buller cannot control the violence at home, but at school or at work he is on top and controls the situation himself.

There are other reasons for this phenomenon:

Puberty . When the body is rebuilt and hormones are “raging,” there is a lot of testosterone and adrenaline in the blood. And this often causes an increase in aggression. Some people are able to cope with it, but others cannot.
Tendency towards sadism. It can also be caused by abuse, although in some children it appears very early and it is not always clear why.
The desire to be the center of attention. Then the person simply does not know how else to get attention from others and does it in such sophisticated ways.

Five reasons for mobbing

There are several most common reasons for mobbing and its variants.

Banal envy and fear that you will cross someone's path - that's why successful professionals are quite often ostracized.
Sometimes the trigger is a quarrel between people , which, reaching its peak, leads to harassment in the workplace.
Another option is that the boss and his subordinate at one time already had a relationship that went beyond the official one: for example, friendship or love. But then they were interrupted. However, both parties have to work together, and in some cases the boss will try to get rid of the person with whom he had something in common.
Most often, office wars are provoked by an unhealthy atmosphere in the company - constant staff turnover, a strict system of fines and control, and distrust of each other. In such a team there is tension hidden for the time being, which sooner or later will require release. And then anyone can become a scapegoat.
The personality of the leader plays a big role in whether there is a tendency toward a “witch hunt” in an organization . There are bosses who love to manipulate people and pit them against each other. Collective bullying of an employee occurs with their tacit approval, or even at their suggestion, when they want to get rid of an objectionable person through the wrong hands. Sometimes managers underestimate the seriousness of the current situation, tolerate such antics of their subordinates and do not take any measures against the instigators of bullying, leaving them with a feeling of impunity. But the boss, like no one else, is responsible for the positive psychological climate in the team and the resolution of industrial conflicts.

Daria Stasevich, psychologist

For some newcomers, this is a kind of tradition of joining a team. When you go through this stage, everything will most likely work out. You can look at the reasons for putting pressure on yourself from the other side. Perhaps similar situations have already occurred in your life. Then you need to figure out what in your behavior can provoke others to such an attitude. For example, you are used to playing the role of a victim and do not know how to stand up for yourself. Or you are too different from your colleagues - in behavior, appearance - and they do not understand or accept you. Among other reasons - you, out of ignorance or deliberately, ignore the established “rules of the game” and do not share the values of the group; you came to the company through connections; They want to put “their” person in your place.

What is bullying and why is it so dangerous?

What is bullying?
The word “bullying” comes to us from English and is translated as “bullying.” This is an act of violence, an aggressive attack in the form of insults and humiliation, as well as bodily harm. The first stage starts with one or two people called bullers. Gradually they involve the entire team in which they are located in this. When this happens, then bullying develops into mobbing. This is already “herd” bullying, when, for example, a newcomer comes to class and everyone starts bullying him. Another feature of mobbing is that exclusively psychological techniques are used.

Bullying: one on one

When the boss of Maya, who worked as an assistant judge, was hospitalized for a whole year due to a serious illness, his employees were temporarily transferred to another site. There the woman had to deal with the inappropriate behavior of one of her colleagues. “She worked as an assistant to my new manager and for some reason immediately took a dislike to me and played dirty tricks with terrible force. Then rumors will spread behind my back that I allegedly got the job through bed. She kept silent about the boss’s important request, but she herself blatantly lied to him that she told me everything,” Maya shares.

This is another version of psychological terror - bullying (bully), or the persecution by one person of another, usually of equal status. It is believed that a feature of bullers is a constant thirst for “fresh blood”. Often after the victim, unable to withstand the bullying, quits, the attacker takes over for the next “lamb.”

How to deal with bullying?

How to deal with bullying?
This question seriously worries every psychologist, school principals, and so on. The fact is that when initially everyone turned a blind eye to it and the situation gained momentum, it is extremely difficult to eradicate bullying. The only way is to practice prevention and stop violence at the very beginning. Then the consequences will be completely minimal.

Often, bullies are children from disadvantaged families, and therefore correcting their behavior and working with adults is the most important way to combat bullying.

How to improve relationships?

If you feel that a purposeful large-scale action is being carried out against you, you can choose several strategies to fight . The main thing is to realize what you are willing to fight for.

Try to rebuff the aggressors decisively. Another option is to ignore the attacks with the expectation that sooner or later they will leave you alone. A technique such as “external agreement” also helps: “Perhaps you are right, I’ll think about it.” Sometimes this has the effect of surprise: you were expected to have an outburst of anger or lame excuses, and now you have a chance to take control of the situation.

Ask your boss for help. By and large, mobbing or bullying can be stopped if the appropriate measures are taken. Otherwise, further struggle for your rights may turn into a battle with windmills.

You can also take certain steps to prevent possible negative attitudes towards yourself . When hiring, find out what the company's corporate culture and values are, whether mutual assistance, respect for each other, etc. are accepted. Sources of such information are interviews with the HR manager and the future manager. If you are hired by a company whose products you have used, pay attention to how the stores of this organization treat customers. After all, this is often a reflection of the style of relationships within the company. During the probationary period you can also learn a lot of interesting things. For example, about whether there is pressure on any of the employees. If such a phenomenon exists, draw appropriate conclusions.

Karina Khutaeva, director of the international educational center

If you experience bullying at work, stay calm and don't stoop to the level of the bullies. Don't yell or intimidate back. Often, “attackers” deliberately provoke you, expecting retaliatory aggression, since this will give them a chance to respond to you with even stronger provocation. It is not recommended to cry or show your weakness; this is expected of you first of all. Continue to do quality work, because “well-wishers” hope to see you broken, and when you achieve success over and over again, they perceive it as failure. Be sure to show the results of your work to your superiors to protect yourself from malicious slander about your unprofessionalism. And do not allow yourself to be isolated from your loyal colleagues; maintain business and friendly ties with them.

Natalya Verigina, business coach

People with low self-esteem often become victims of bullying or mobbing, so it is important to work on increasing it. This will help by contacting a psychologist, participating and winning professional skills competitions. Individuals who keep themselves apart from the group are often persecuted. Learn to build relationships with people - this will make it easier to establish contact with colleagues and form an “army of allies.” They can be employees not only from their own, but also from related departments, and even more important - the immediate supervisor. Learn to defend your position, taking into account the interests of all parties and accepted ones, so that controversial situations do not develop into a violent conflict. Do not create enemies for yourself with your own hands.

Who is the victim of bullying and why?

Victim of bullying
You can often hear the question - why is my child being bullied? This question is extremely difficult to answer. Most likely, the answer comes from the causes of the phenomenon itself. According to statistics, the following types of children come under the attention of bullies:

Students who do not keep up with the school curriculum, do poorly in school, or are often sick
Gifted children, because they are different from the rest and always stand out
Children with disabilities. Sick children and disabled people are often bullied
Children of teachers. Again, since the parent is a teacher, especially if in the same school, then the child is bullied because he stands out
Children from poor families. Yes, a child can be bullied for not dressing well, not having money, and so on.
Representatives of social minorities or other nationalities
People who think outside the box because their opinions and views are always different
Teachers' favorites, because no one likes sycophants

Typically, there are three components to bullying: the perpetrator, the victim, and the bystanders. It's rare that a defender also appears. Psychologists have determined that envy, hostility, a sense of injustice and a desire for self-affirmation lead to bullying. If the offender apologizes, then this is only a small part, which will not compensate for the experience. And then, this is only if adults recognized bullying and took action.

Bullying - what things should you not talk about?

Often, when children begin to be bullied at school, the teachers themselves are to blame. They may even unknowingly provoke children into bullying. For example, when the topic of neatness comes up, the teacher reminds everyone that they need to look neat, but some Petrov came in unkempt. Think about what the class's reaction will be? Of course they will laugh. After all, adults allow themselves to do this, and children copy them.

Parents should also be careful with their statements. That is, you shouldn’t tell your child that it’s his own fault or that he somehow doesn’t look right. So the parents take the side of the offenders and the child feels lonely. Also, you shouldn’t say anything in front of his friends.

You shouldn’t immediately go to the teacher, because he could have provoked everything that happened. What will he do after talking with his parents? He will simply ask others not to touch the student. And this will only make the situation worse. In this case, it is better to talk to the parents of the child who is bullying.

It also happens that the teachers themselves, for some reason, may dislike the child. For example, she has relationship problems, and she has become attached to your son and is bullying him for nothing. So, you can talk to the teacher, but if nothing changes within a month, then it is better to transfer to another school.

The atmosphere in the women's team

Now let's move on to a more specific topic - relationships in the women's team. Above we have presented general rules intended for both women and men. But it is worth understanding that the female and male teams, as they say in Odessa, are “two big differences.”

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It doesn't matter in what mood you crossed the threshold of the new office. Be kind, smile and show everyone your goodwill. Yes, perhaps the return move will be accompanied by the hissing of “snake” tongues, but do not be afraid. This always happens when new “blood” joins the team. Now your task is to ensure that the employees who want to tear you apart become your friends. In any case, it’s worth trying, and if it doesn’t work, take other measures.
Remember the toast from the famous film comedy: “I fell to the bottom of the deepest gorge and broke because I became separated from the team.” Take an active part in the life of your company, attend parties, corporate events, buy a gift for an employee, boss, etc. Don't miss the moment to show off your culinary skills and treat your colleagues to some light baked goods.
Don't even think about participating in gossip. Let's not rudely understand that you are not a fan of spreading rumors, but rather nicely and evasively avoid getting into trouble. If you do it abruptly, they will hold a grudge against you, and a slight dodging will not give cause for dissatisfaction. As they say, you need to be a diplomat.
Before you joke or make jokes, think “three hundred” times about your words. Not a single unfortunate expression will pass by a woman's ear. Perhaps you had no intention of offending anyone, but it will be too late to make excuses. The resentment will lurk and wait for the moment to strike you, unsuspectingly, with a powerful blow.
Have you found yourself in a lair where two “groups” are fighting? Make no mistake, it is unlikely that you will be able to stay on the sidelines of this confrontation. But don’t rush to conclusions, take a closer look, study the tactics of each of them and stand in the row where you find more in common with your interests, views, and ideas.
Help, but in moderation. Show sympathy, care, do not refuse if you are asked for help, but do not let them cross the line of what is permitted. As a rule, newcomers are always forced to clean up other people's tails, run for coffee, bring sandwiches, etc. Don’t let them get on your back and show character, first refuse intelligently, but if the situation happens again, be more decisive in your intonation.
Don't be arrogant and arrogant. It doesn’t matter what color your diploma is and constantly reminding your colleagues about it is not necessary. Believe me, theory is one thing, practice is another. Remember the proverb “easy to learn, hard to fight!” In reality, not everything is so simple and experienced employees, who do not have the opportunity to boast of a red crust, know much more than a beginner. Continue in your tone - expect intrigues, and not one, but several “colleagues” will start playing dirty tricks.

Of course, fighting bullying, bossing and other negative manifestations of abnormal relationships at work alone is difficult, if not impossible. Leaders, managers and other functional groups of companies need to think about the problem. After all, thanks to harmonious relationships, a company can achieve high results, while quarrels, conflicts and scandals clearly have a negative impact on income and reputation. So eliminating violence and humiliating treatment of employees is a key issue for business owners and management. Staff turnover will not lead to anything good and you need to fight for a professional, excellent employee. To reduce the risk of conflict situations, you should take care of your staff: give vacations on time, reward them, pay them what they deserve, and create recreation areas. Grateful employees will take on their work with even greater vigor and help the company achieve high results.

Bullying prevention - how to prevent bullying in a team?

Prevention of bullying
In educational institutions, the prevention of bullying should be carried out through the efforts of all teachers and parents. All teachers, administration and parents are involved in this. Only in this case the result can be successful. Preventative measures for bullying include the following:

Special conditions are created at school that simply do not allow such a phenomenon to manifest itself.
If bullying does occur, then urgent measures are taken - the victim and the offender are separated in order to reduce the interaction of both
Educational work is carried out with children so that their personalities and spirit are strengthened and they are able to resist aggression
Existing forms of bullying within an educational institution are identified
Problems are discussed among teachers and in the classroom
When bullying occurs, a conversation must be held with the bully and his parents.
Destructive behavior is subject to correction, and work is also carried out with his parents

Psychologist's advice

Bullying at school is, of course, a negative phenomenon. However, it should be understood that parenting can also give an impetus to the development of such relationships. Teenagers who experience excessive parental protection are often bullied; At their age, such children do not look independent and self-confident enough, which gives rise to ridicule from their peers.

Mothers and fathers make a fatal mistake when they try to do all the difficult things for their children, blow on every minor wound on his body, and do not bother him with housework. This may cause hostility from other children in the class, since such a dependent student spoils the honor of the entire class. In addition, any normal parent strives to raise the most independent and successful child - strong, smart, independent, dexterous. It is clear that you also need to work with parents. Thus, parents often consider the child their property, denying him the right to independent existence. This can be regarded as a type of slavery: a child is forced to serve as a plush toy for his parents - overgrown children who have not played enough with dolls in their lives.

Effective prevention of mobbing

There are three factors, attention to which will serve as the best prevention of bullying in a team:

Corporate culture. It is important to hold regular team-building events. These are trips, trainings, holidays in honor of significant dates in the work of the enterprise or significant achievements. Comic competitions also work well to help employees relieve emotional stress.
Psychological climate. If it is not possible to hire a specialist, it is worth periodically involving him in monitoring the situation. Especially when new employees arrive.
Strict suppression of gossip and intrigue. It is difficult not to notice their appearance. They immediately affect employee productivity. It is important to conduct explanatory conversations in private with the parties to the conflict when the first signs appear. Here it is also advisable to involve an experienced psychologist or at least a specialist in human resources management. Details of the proceedings cannot be taken outside the office.

The key role in the prevention of mobbing is played by the personality and actions of the leader. Having taken care of these points in the company’s activities, he will not have to rack his brains over the question of how to resist mobbing at work.

How to help a child if he has become a victim of bullying?

How to help a child?
There are several ways to combat bullying and the child should be told about them so that he can overcome this bullying.

Method 1: Collect its advantages

When a child is bullied, his self-esteem drops to an all-time low. So try to write down on paper with him his good qualities that will help him stand out. So, when a child meets offenders, he will remember his qualities and, perhaps, use something.

Well, of course, not everything is so primitive. For example, if a child was insulted and he thought he was smart, then it won’t work that way. The whole point here is that knowing about his merits, the child will no longer consider himself useless. And this greatly influences behavior during conflicts.

Method 2. Impenetrable wall

Ask your child to imagine that there is an insurmountable wall around him, and that what’s behind it doesn’t matter at all. Well, I can’t hear anything! So let someone shout, humiliate and scold you - you are behind the wall. You can even put headphones in your ears and pretend that you are listening to music.

Many people believe that this will cause the offender to yank out the headphones. But no matter how it is. If you do this with a sense of dignity, your opponent will simply become confused. Although, the advice is not suitable for everyone. This requires good endurance.

Method 3. Problems of the offender

What to do if a child is bullied at school?

Invite the child to imagine that all the words of the offender are aimed at his own personal problems. Usually, when a person is adequate, such behavior does not arise. Then the child will begin to look at the situation from the other side and stop being nervous.

Everything works here just like in dogs. When a person is nervous, he sweats and the dog senses this and feels superior. Accordingly, she attacks. Also with people. When the child is no longer nervous, the opponent senses it and does not attack. Or he does it, but not as confidently as before.

Method 4. Thick-skinned elephant

This is where self-hypnosis comes into play. You can repeat in your head - “I am an elephant, I have thick skin, no matter what others say, it still bounces off.” There is no need to constantly think about grievances, because the more worries, the more interesting it is for the bully.

Method 5. Teach your child to respond to attacks

For example, the offender says, “You’re scary,” and her daughter responds, “You’re so sweet.” Many statements can be answered in much the same way.

The point is to have a thick skin and fend off the offender so that he cannot penetrate deeply. If you allow this, you will begin to believe what is said and become a player in bullying.

Method 6. The main thing is not victory

Ridiculing at school

Play different team games with your children more often. They must learn that being a winner is not the most important thing. Sometimes you can lose.

Method 7. Let it come true

The child must realize himself and also train his strengths. For example, you can send him to a club that he likes, where he can increase his self-esteem.

How to recognize bullying: signs

Before you can resist bullying, you need to learn how to identify it. In each individual case, parents should notice that not everything is fine with the child, the teacher should monitor the atmosphere in the classroom, and the leader should monitor the team. Only an attentive attitude makes it possible to identify bullying at an early stage and minimize its consequences. If we talk about child bullying, you need to pay attention to the following points:

The child keeps aloof from everyone, does not communicate with anyone and is upset about something
The student begins to get sick often. As a rule, this is due to psychosomatic manifestations. That is, frustration and depression provoke a cold
The student is always alone in the back desk and others do not want to sit next to him
During recess, a group of guys were clearly up to something and it was clear that it was not good.
In the cafeteria, one student can be seen buying food for another. This is especially obvious when children from elementary school or middle school buy food for high school students
Parents notice that the child begins to ask for money more often, but the teacher says that nothing is required
The child is constantly depressed and reluctant to go to school

What Causes Bullying

Nielsen and Einarsen identify three causes of bullying. The first is a toxic work environment, the formation of which is influenced by lack of stability, heavy workload, conflicts between employees and high demands from management. Also, in their opinion, the reasons lie in the workers themselves, who often face bullying - they are neurotic people who regularly experience anxiety, anxiety, anger or sadness. Finally, both of these factors can be combined in a company - a bad atmosphere in the team encourages bullying of people who are emotionally unstable.

Barin and peasants

“One day we were told that he was the chairman of the board of directors. At the first meeting, he gathered top management in a cramped meeting room and lit a cigarette. In a cloud of smoke, I began asking questions about our professional interests, while simultaneously commenting on the answers,” recalls the director of public relations for one of the large companies in the IT and telecommunications sector, who was present at that meeting. “Out of a dozen people gathered, only two did not receive direct insults and reproaches for narrow-mindedness, stupidity, worthlessness and uselessness. The comrade behaved like a gentleman with serfs.”

This is a typical example of vertical bullying, or bossing, when a manager begins targeted bullying with the goal of humiliating, enraging, or simply asserting himself, says Elena Londar, HR expert at HeadHunter. According to her, there may be several reasons for bossing: the leader’s personal immaturity (the person’s value system is distorted), unprofessionalism and lack of managerial experience and complexes - childhood trauma, for example, at school he himself could have been a victim of bullying.

“I didn’t understand what the problem was, I tried to be good, bought sweets for the office”

Often such managers take it out on their subordinates, openly criticize them in front of the team, but do not fire them - in this case, we are talking about a codependent relationship “victim - aggressor,” Londar adds.

Elena, the development director of one of the consulting companies, found herself drawn into just such a relationship (hereinafter, at the request of the heroes, partial or complete anonymity was maintained). “If I spoke English, a colleague might say something like: “God, what a terrible accent.” The worst I've ever heard." If I made a presentation, it was said that “this is generally horror and a nightmare,” but it was with this that we then went to the client. My cell phone was constantly hidden,” she describes her typical work day. “At the same time, there were no attempts to fire me, and my salary was on par with my “professional” colleagues.” Elena suffered from bullying for a whole year until she completed the period required for the line on her resume, but she managed to “relax and stop waiting for a catch” in her new place only six months after her dismissal.

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What are the consequences of bullying - what is the danger?

Consequences of bullying
Bullying always leaves a mark on the psyche. And not only the victim has it. Yes, she is the injured party and the consequences may vary depending on the duration of the bullying. The most common disorders are: low self-esteem, entrenched “victim” status, as well as various types of neuroses, phobias and disorders. By the way, among such victims there are a lot of suicides.

Don't think that bullies don't face consequences. When they grow up, they often look back and cannot get rid of guilt and shame. This accompanies them all their lives, but nothing can be done. Such an imprint does not allow you to fully live and enjoy life, because in your thoughts a person still tries to fix something. However, among bullies there are many who become criminals and continue to engage in bullying, but in more dangerous ways. There is always responsibility for bullying, and the actions of bullies can be criminally punishable. This is definitely something to remember.

There is also such a category as observers. They watch the bullying but do nothing. This policy is costly for the victims, but it also turns everything upside down for the observer. After all, his conscience becomes dull, and his inner voice remains indifferent and there is no sympathy and compassion in him, because due to a defensive reaction, these feelings atrophy.

Don't write excuses

Based on practice, we can say that in order to get rid of an employee, any violation of labor discipline will be “pulled by the ears” (being two minutes late, smoking breaks, coffee breaks, personal conversations on the phone, etc.).

No matter how much we would like it, everything that does not relate to the performance of your direct functional duties is a violation of labor discipline, and therefore formally you can be subject to disciplinary liability for this.

Therefore, you should remember: never write explanatory notes at the first request of management. If you write an explanatory note, you thereby admit that you have committed a disciplinary offense.

Typical explanatory:

“On such and such a date, I went for 15 minutes to the next office to drink tea with my colleagues, this did not affect the work process, I undertake not to do this again.”

Or:

“I was 10 minutes late for work on January 28, 2022, because I was taking my child to kindergarten, and the teacher detained me to discuss such and such issues. I pledge to not allow this to happen again.”

Agree, it looks like a humiliating excuse.

Don’t write anything, let the personnel officer draw up an act of refusal to give an explanation; you don’t need to sign it either.

If you subsequently file a complaint with the labor inspectorate, and when it arrives with an inspection, looks at the materials and sees your explanatory note, it will become clear that you actually committed a disciplinary offense, made excuses for something, and then also complained.