Standing in a wedding dress or a formal tailcoat, every girl or guy dreams of a wonderful family life. At this moment, none of them thinks about possible quarrels and discord after the wedding. But sooner or later they happen, and for many couples this becomes an insurmountable obstacle to creating strong family ties. You need to work on relationships and know how to improve your relationship with your husband.
Psychologists say that married couples are a single organism in which for some time the so-called grinding in and getting used to each other occurs. There is no one piece of advice that will exclusively help all couples form harmonious relationships. Everyone has their own scenario. But there are practical tips on how to improve relationships with your husband or wife, which we will talk about.
Why problems start
Any married couple goes through a stage when quarrels become more frequent in the family. There are simply no conflict-free families. Statistics say that out of 100 families, more than 80 couples fight constantly. But for many couples, these types of problems are short-term in nature. And for some, the conflict drags on, and in many cases, it becomes impossible to save the family without the intervention of a specialist.
Psychologists attribute this to many reasons, but the main one is a complete lack of trust, respect and devotion. This is what often leads to the fact that ordinary everyday quarrels develop into an unresolvable conflict between a man and a woman.
In addition, each of us is an individual with his own set of feelings, emotions and the ability to demonstrate them. Therefore, during a quarrel, a person behaves differently. There are three personality types based on behavior during conflict.
- People prone to impulsiveness are unable to control their emotions and aggression. Therefore, conflict with them often develops into a scandal, hysterics, and breaking of dishes. But often, having thrown out accumulated negative emotions, impulsive people calm down after shouting.
- Restrained individuals pose the greatest danger. Such people know how to control their actions, but after a quarrel they can think about a plan of revenge.
- The third type is conflict-free. This is the type of people who are easily suggestible, easy to manipulate and control. They often adhere to the opinions of others and try in every possible way to avoid a quarrel that arises. If they cannot avoid it, they take on the image of a “poor lamb” and do not try to argue, and after a conflict they are usually the first to make reconciliation, having realized, perhaps, non-existent mistakes.
Before you understand how to improve family relationships, you should highlight the main reasons why misunderstandings occur:
- material problems that require solutions;
- lack of intimate balance between man and woman;
- betrayal;
- intense jealousy;
- different life values, interests, guidelines, positions in raising children;
- the struggle for the right to be called the head;
- everyday life and boredom;
- long distance marriage.
- bad habits of one of the spouses.
These are the main reasons why many couples start fighting after marriage. But the basis of all conflicts, psychologists believe, lies in misunderstanding and inability to listen to each other and make concessions.
First signs
One of the key identifying signs is irritability for no reason, the so-called clinging to little things. The reason for this irritation does not lie in them, but lies on a completely different plane.
When people fall in love, everything seems rosy to them. We often dream about another person and invent a lot of things for ourselves. And then life checks to what extent our fantasies about each other coincide with reality. Frustration and resentment accumulate. And often the spouse shifts his own problems - his lack of fulfillment, making wrong decisions, his failures - onto his partner and demands that he brighten up his life. Such people believe that they cannot be happy until they have a certain set of goods - a car, an apartment, a lot of money, a prestigious job. They reduce their existence to the most boring schemes - they came home from work, ate and lay down on the sofa in front of the TV; nothing in life pleases or delights them. And if you continue to unwind this ball, then such a person does not really like his job, and his spouse is not very happy with him. As a rule, a person learns this form of being at an early age from his parents, who believed that life should be difficult, there is nothing good in it, and what is there to be happy about if there is deception and misfortune all around. This is the so-called philosophy of decadence.
Visualization is one of the ways to understand the problem
It is worth noting that working to reduce the number of quarrels in a married couple is the task of both partners. Not only a woman, but also a man, who is equally an accomplice in the conflicts that arise, should think about how to improve relations with a loved one.
If a problem has arisen and a married couple begins to look for ways to improve family relationships, then psychologists recommend using the visualization method. To do this, both spouses need to imagine the relationship that they consider ideal between a man and a woman. This should be a bright and clear picture, which should be as close to reality as possible.
For example, a woman wants not only a good attitude towards herself, but also kisses, hugs, conversations at dinner. And the man imagines complete understanding on the part of his wife and great support in all matters. Everyone will have their own fantasies. At the same time, it is very important to make the picture more voluminous and real. Imagine what you would like to see in your soulmate. Select those qualities that can be subjectively applied and achieved by your partner.
The visualization method not only helps you understand your desires and aspirations, but also concretize and receive positive emotions and the right direction in your actions.
Everything sounds great, but...
Relationships between people are shaped by their beliefs, life experiences, conditions and circumstances of their past, and mostly unconsciously. Therefore, you will not be able to objectively look at the situation between you and your husband on your own; for this, as a rule, you need a specialist.
I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. Together with you in consultation, we will be able to understand what formed the relationship you have now, and how this can be changed. On this page you can find more information about me to get to know me better.
You can sign up for a consultation with me through VKontakte, Instagram @litvinova_lara or the form on the website.
You can find out about the cost of services and the scheme of work here. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work using the link.
Fix everything! Basic rules on how to improve relationships
Women's nature, perception and psyche are more sensitive. Every event is perceived by a woman more emotionally. This often leads to quarrels and subsequent resentment of spouses against each other.
Psychologists, understanding this nature of female nature, have developed several recommendations that help a woman understand how to improve relationships with her loved one. After a quarrel, a woman needs to do three basic techniques. They help to understand and evaluate the current situation, as well as to get out of the problem correctly.
- Try to relax, relieve the emotional negative load and look at the situation from the outside.
- Don't be alarmed if you realize that you are wrong in a given situation.
- Do not remember the grievances or conflicts that existed between you before.
Let's look at each method in more detail.
Learning to reason logically during an emotionally negative state is quite difficult. But this is worth learning if you don’t want to look for answers in the future to the question of how to improve your relationship with your boyfriend or husband. Anyone can enlarge a non-existent problem, but not everyone can understand the meaning of the situation and take a sober look at what is happening. And it's worth learning.
The second point in practical advice on how to improve relationships with a loved one after a conflict is not to be afraid to understand that you are wrong. For many women it is very important to set priorities, what is more important in life: to be right
or
relationship harmony
. After time, many understand their mistakes, but admitting it becomes unrealistic for them. Therefore, conflicts that arise practically out of nowhere often develop into protracted scandals and grievances. By talking about your wrongness, you do not step over your “I”, you simply show your love and respect for your partner.
The third way to help you understand how to improve your relationship with your boyfriend or husband after a conflict is to not remember old sins. There is no need to do this, especially if that quarrel was resolved positively. If you have sincerely forgiven each other, then there is no point in remembering her again. This will indicate your insincerity towards your partner.
Less criticism - more praise
Do not offend your husband, but rather praise him!
Women are distinguished by their resentment towards criticism. Once she hears reproach or dissatisfaction from a man’s lips, it will stay in her head for a long time and become brain food for digestion.
Male representatives are no less vulnerable in this matter. Although their cheeks do not blush from compliments, in their souls they bloom from every female compliment. And it’s not just about admiration for a well-fitting suit, it’s about actions.
Notice and praise masculine virtues
, and pay less attention to shortcomings. Before you nag your husband for not knowing how to repair something around the house, remember whether you know how to cook all the dishes in the world, and is your cooking always a success? Husbands have the right not to be able to do something.
But many are sure that the husband is not only a knight and a gallant gentleman, but also a turner, mechanic, plumber and electrician all rolled into one. Criticism will only aggravate the conflict, and the man will give up. Praise him for everything he has already done, and he will begin to try to develop and learn new skills.
Endure financial difficulties
. In moments of trouble at work, men are especially vulnerable. Only the support of his wife will return strength and self-confidence to her husband.
The best incentive is your love. Inspired by affection and care, a man will be ready to move mountains for the sake of his family and the woman he loves.
How to overcome a protracted quarrel
If the conflict drags on, psychologists advise to understand the situation. First, the couple needs to find enough time to discuss the essence of the conflict. Choose a period so that no one disturbs you. It is better to turn off all phones during this period and focus only on solving the problem that has arisen. Start the discussion with the phrase “Our problem arose because of...”, “Tell me your view on the situation that arose...”.
You need to listen to each other’s opinions carefully, even if disagreements arise, do not interrupt, moderate your emotions. Think through options for solving the problem together and determine what each spouse is doing to ensure that the conflict situation is resolved.
Crises by years of marriage
Have you heard that there are so-called crisis periods inherent in almost any marriage? This is a kind of pattern that can rarely be avoided.
Crisis periods can be broken down as follows:
- The turning point of the first year of family life. About half of all marriages break up at this moment. Among the reasons are different tastes and views on life, habits, and character complexities. Couples who meet each other halfway, hear each other, and make compromise decisions manage to save their marriage.
- 3–5 years – passions subside, the birth of the first child contributes to the prosperity of the “everyday life”, the candy-bouquet period is long gone, the young plunge headlong into the realities of family life. There are two possible outcomes: either the spouses become reliable support for each other, or they separate.
Is it possible to establish understanding after losing a family or loved one?
The situation when the question arises of how to improve relations with a husband or wife arises after a divorce is not uncommon. The emotional frenzy passes, and the person understands the value of what he lost. The same can happen when two lovers meet.
Having broken off a relationship, a person may wonder how to improve relations with a guy or girl. If such thoughts arise, it may indicate feelings of love for your partner, but it may also be a false signal. Most often, if the desire for a loved one to return arises after a week, then do not rush to draw conclusions. Perhaps this is a manifestation of the habit of established norms of everyday life during the period of your relationship with your ex. This is not a reason to ask the person to return.
For example, a wife is not used to sleeping alone, a guy is used to telephone conversations with his beloved, etc. To understand whether you need a person and whether you really want him to return, you need to live at a distance for some time.
Try to get used to the new way of life. If, after a couple of months of living at a distance, you are still looking for a meeting with your ex-husband or wife, you still miss him or her, then you should make an effort and try to get the relationship back. They can be returned and improved. But in such a situation it is very important that this desire is mutual. Former spouses need to sort out their grievances, forgive and try to return the family idyll. Many couples succeed in this.
My husband is not a psychic
According to statistics, women think 6 times more than men.
But is this beneficial? Male representatives think globally, their thoughts are always aimed at solving a problem or achieving a certain goal. Representatives of the fair sex twist all conversations in their heads, recent events 10 times, all the while coming up with new facts and looking for the secret meaning in some phrase of their husband.
Because of so many thought processes, we often ask the question: “Well, doesn’t my husband see what exactly is wrong in our relationship?” or “How does he not notice from my behavior that something doesn’t suit me?” It is worth remembering that your husband does not ignore your problems, he does not notice them.
Instead of attacking your spouse, try to smoothly and gently explain your problem to him. Only by “chewing it and putting it in your mouth” can you open his eyes to the situation and only then solve it together. Don't expect to understand subtle hints, dissatisfied glances and sighs. Men do not know how to read not only thoughts, they do not even see problems that are quite obvious through a woman’s eyes.
Personal space
Over the years, people have become annoying to each other. If from time to time you or your partner want to spend time separately, this is normal. Step away for a while and do your own thing: watch a TV series alone, go shopping, or just spend the evening in different rooms.
You shouldn’t cling to your partner and walk around hugging every minute. Giving each other the right to personal space and time is very important for a long-term harmonious relationship.
Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
Desire to be a family
All families have difficult periods, but both partners must have the desire to overcome difficulties. Some people believe that if they don’t see eye to eye, then they should just look for a couple elsewhere - and that’s how the relationship falls apart. However, I believe that you can always find a way out if both people want it.
There was a time when I took care of small children, and my husband worked constantly. Interests diverged and problems began. I felt that we were separating from each other: I was cuckooing at home, and he continued to live a full life, build a career, meet different people.
When my husband and I started living together, we had mutual complaints against each other: he believed that I devoted little time to him, and I was worried that he did not help me enough around the house. We argued about this until we agreed. We decided that he would help me with cooking and cleaning, and thanks to this I would have free time so that we could watch some program together or discuss what happened that day. We both felt that we wanted to be together despite the emotions that were raging inside.
If you are a family, you need to agree on how to maintain the union and move on with your life.
If you've just started dating and feel like your eyes aren't sparkling, maybe you shouldn't try to revive something that's not there. But if you have been together for a long time and are confident in your feelings, breaking up is the easiest, but not always successful option. We were on the verge of a break: we thought that it would be easier to separate. But now I feel especially satisfied and happy that we overcame everything and were able to save the family.
Taboo on insults
We don’t know how to quarrel calmly - only with screams and worries. I’ve heard about various practices like “Move away from your partner, calm down, and then discuss,” but let’s be honest: in real life, emotions overwhelm and it’s difficult to stop. However, no matter what feelings we experience, in our family there is a taboo against humiliation and insults.
You can sort things out as much as you like, but you cannot deprive your partner of human dignity.
We never agreed on this, we just both have an understanding that we cannot cross a certain line. Each family has its own: for some, the offensive word is “fool,” while others only communicate with obscenities. But you shouldn’t put pressure on pain points and say phrases that will definitely hurt. Relationships may crack, and it will no longer be possible to achieve the previous level of trust.
The ability to take responsibility for what you do
It is impossible to say with complete confidence that you will never commit unworthy acts and will be faithful to only one partner for the rest of your life. Anything can happen in family life - don’t promise it. The main thing is not to shift responsibility for what you have done to others.
If you were unfaithful and regret it, then, in my opinion, you should independently cope with all the resulting negative emotions, feelings of shame and thoughts gnawing from within. Saying “I’ve done a lot of things, but I’m really worried and want to be honest with you” is not an option. To be honest in this case is to experience the situation yourself and protect your partner from worries.
Understand yourself and find out what prompted you to cheat, and then do everything to never let something like this happen again. The desire to be together will conquer everything. But only on condition that it is sincere and you are truly sorry.
The choice is yours
