Conflicts and disputes are an integral part of our lives. Conflict leaves behind an unpleasant aftertaste, bad mood and damaged relationships. Why is it necessary to make peace and resolve conflicts in the best way for all parties? Let's find out about it!
- Conflict situations
- What's stopping you from making peace?
- Why do you need to put up? Inner peace and harmony
- The best solution to the situation
What's stopping you from making peace?
Conflict is an extremely unpleasant situation when people engage in psychological combat with each other, striking each other in the form of insults, causing damage in the form of humiliation, psychological pressure and intimidation.
A conflict is a local outbreak of hatred . Even a conflict between relatives is an outbreak of hatred between them, arising on the basis of a particular situation. During an attack of hatred, people want to harm each other . This manifests itself in the form of insults, humiliation, psychological pressure and intimidation. After a conflict, all this leaves serious scars that can sometimes take a very long time to heal. This is the reason that sometimes it is impossible to make peace.
The fact is that those grievances that we inflicted during the quarrel, and those grievances that were inflicted on us, continue to live in our soul even when the conflict is settled . These negative emotions cause discomfort, excite thoughts and prevent you from meeting each other. Resentment is the first thing that prevents a quick and amicable reconciliation.
The second factor preventing reconciliation is fear. The fact is that any conflict is a strong outbreak of negative emotions: anger, malice, resentment and others. Negative emotions are the suffering of our psyche . Therefore, after a conflict, there is a fear that the conflict may repeat itself, which means that the suffering from it will also repeat. This fear pushes a person to the point that he begins to think not about reconciliation, but about how to build walls with another person in order to protect himself from possible future offenses.
So, there are two significant difficulties that arise on the path to reconciliation:
- Resentments arising as a result of humiliations and insults inflicted during a quarrel;
- Fear of possible future suffering from a possible new conflict, which arises as a result of strong emotional suffering from negative emotions that arose during the conflict.
Let's find out why you need to put up and why the policy of building “walls” with another person is counterproductive.
Reconciliation after a strong quarrel
Sometimes the conflict is indirect, does not represent anything serious, and occurs out of stupidity. But there are also situations when two best friends fight for a serious reason. It is important to understand that after a serious scandal, the path to reconciliation can be very long. It is possible that this will take even a month. But if you are truly best friends, then reconciliation will come.
- First of all, you need to understand whether it is worth putting up with at all. If the scandal was so strong, and the reason was significant, perhaps it’s time to put an end to it and not put up with it at all.
- If it has been decided that reconciliation is still necessary, remember that you are adults, so you need to talk seriously and be responsible for your words. You shouldn’t resort to phrases like “you’re always quarreling,” “you always behave like this,” “but you...”, “what about yourself?”
- It is extremely important to keep your conflict personal. No matter what happens to you, no matter what the quarrel was dictated by, it is unacceptable for third parties to appear between you and your best friend at the moment of reconciliation. You always need to make peace one-on-one, especially if the quarrel was serious.
It is possible that as you grow older, you or your friend has changed so much that communication has become very difficult, and conflict situations are becoming more common. Then you should take everything for granted, transfer the relationship to the category of friendships, and do not strive for closer contact.
Why do you need to put up?
As we have already found out earlier, disputes, conflicts and quarrels leave deep wounds in the soul, which continue to live their own lives inside our psyche and poison our lives. Even when grievances are forgotten but not forgiven, they continue to live in our subconscious, undermining the stability of our psyche, invisibly but inexorably influencing our lives.
Reconciliation does not mean that you need to forget everything and pretend that nothing happened. Reconciliation is also not worth pursuing at any cost . Here it is important to divide reconciliation into two components: external and internal, and proceed from your own interests. The internal component is the person’s state of mind, and the external component is the consequences of maintaining an unresolved conflict.
Inner peace and harmony
Reconciliation is necessary for a person to find inner peace and tranquility. Until the grievances are forgiven, until we ask for forgiveness for our bad deeds, until we make efforts to resolve the conflict, until then we will suffer internally . The fact is that in any conflict there is fault on both sides . Of course, one of the parties may be more or less to blame. However, the blame lies on both sides. Since a conflict, dispute, quarrel is not possible without the participation of two or more parties . If only one person participates in a conflict, and the second does not take part in it, then this is not a conflict, but hysteria. Conflict requires at least two. That is why responsibility, although not equally, lies with all parties to the conflict .
Because of this, subconsciously we understand our guilt in the conflict , dispute or quarrel that has arisen. And if we do not admit our part of the guilt, do not realize it, then subconsciously we will be constantly tense, since subconsciously we understand everything perfectly well, and if we deny this on a conscious level, then the conflict between the contradictory states of consciousness and subconscious causes mental stress and suffering, even if it is not recognized as such.
The best solution to the situation
The external factor in resolving a situation is those situations and consequences that arise around a person as a result of the conflict. Any conflict situation carries a strong destructive potential . If the conflict is not settled and resolved in the best possible way, then the grievances that arose during the quarrel will continue to provoke new conflict situations . Depending on who the conflict is with, the threats may be different.
An unresolved conflict will provoke a person to the main manifestation of resentment - revenge . The stronger the offense received during the quarrel, the stronger will be the desire for revenge on the person who inflicted the offense. Every conflict situation, to a greater or lesser extent, gives rise to the potential for possible revenge . Therefore, resolving conflict situations is important in order to minimize the risks from them and minimize the possibility of new conflicts arising in the future.
Men and women perceive quarrels differently
The strong half of humanity is characterized by a logical type of thinking. In the heat of a quarrel, they give arguments to prove their point of view. For a man, a dispute has 2 goals - to solve a problem or to prove he is right. Women are guided by emotions, which does not always lead to positive consequences.
There are individuals for whom conflict is a way of obtaining energy, emotional release, or replacing some need, for example, sexual.
If a showdown turns into psychotherapy, where a woman has long educational conversations, the man produces the hormone prolactin, which affects potency.
When conflicts become part of life, it's time to think about what is behind them. Often this is a consequence of old grievances, fatigue, some claims or lack of love in a couple.
Subconscious search for reconciliation
Even if on a conscious level a person does not plan to make peace and resolve the conflict, then on a subconscious level he still strives for this. Because peace and cooperation are more beneficial and provide greater security to humans than conflict. Therefore, the human subconscious, being much wiser than the conscious mind, and striving to increase a person’s chances of survival, is looking for the best options for this, which are peace, friendship and cooperation.
If the consciousness refuses to seek reconciliation, and the subconscious, on the contrary, wants peace and cooperation, then a conflict arises between them, which causes increased psychological stress, increases the level of stress and tension.
First steps after the conflict
It is not necessary to go for reconciliation after a quarrel. In some cases it is even harmful. The pause after a quarrel can be used to analyze the situation. A useful technique is to write your emotions on paper.
The ability to switch is a useful skill that helps not to make a mistake in the heat of a quarrel. You can do cleaning, go to the cinema, meet friends, clean up the house.
When passions have died down, it’s time to think about finding a solution to the problem. The simplest thing is to write on a piece of paper all the possible options that come to mind, then analyze what the consequences of each will be.
Summary and conclusions
avoidable risks for all parties has a destructive effect on relationships, development and psychological well-being . Resentments that arose during the conflict and the fear of repetition of the conflict prevent the conflict from being resolved in the best possible way, forcing a person to provoke new conflicts, close himself off from loved ones and even take revenge.
Resentments and other consequences of the conflict will live in a person’s subconscious even if the conflict itself is forgotten, but the grievances are not forgiven . The subconscious always strives to resolve the conflict, even if the conscious mind thinks otherwise . Resolving each conflict in the best possible way is necessary for psychological peace and internal harmony, as well as to reduce the risks from the consequences of the conflict.
How to make peace with a loved one
There are few people who like to hurt or injure loved ones. Unfortunately, sometimes it happens in life that we can offend people who are very dear to us, and often we do this unconsciously. Of course, you want to be widely loved and respected by everyone, but sometimes this happens because you have to please everyone, and this is simply impossible. You feel terrible that your best friend or friend has a huge grudge against you, and you would definitely like to fix it. Read a few recommendations on how to get forgiveness and try to use them - it might work.
Be honest
Try talking openly with your friend about what happened. No one is perfect, and everyone makes some mistakes. Often, when we know that someone is angry with us, we leave the situation and do not try to fix it. It may be the fear of lack of forgiveness that depresses us, but we should not leave the problem and hope that it will solve itself. It's always worth trying, just apologizing.
Earn Your Forgiveness The process of forgiveness can vary. You can receive it very quickly, or you can wait a very long time. It all depends on the severity of the offense and the character of the offended person. Some people just need more time to forget the hurt they have caused. If you know that in your case it may take some time, then you should not give up. Be patient. Prove through your actions and behavior to your loved one that this relationship is important to you. I think everyone deserves another chance, especially those who show their desire to communicate through their actions. No one is immune from mistakes and there are no people who do not make mistakes.
Write a letter
Sometimes it is easier to express your remorse on paper than face to face. Does your friend not give you a chance to meet or simply does not allow you to come and talk to you and say everything you want? Take a piece of paper and write that you regret what happened. Explain why this happened and ask for forgiveness. Remember to be completely honest because, after all, you are writing for someone who knows you so well. The person who receives such a message will be able to read it several times and calmly think about what happened.
How to make peace after a quarrel
Keep calm
Showing anger because someone does not want to forgive you will, of course, not lead to reconciliation. Despite the tense situation, remain calm and do not give in to unnecessary emotions. As soon as the tense atmosphere subsides, you will immediately notice that your loved one becomes more loyal to you. Remember that you should not raise your voice or hurl harsh words at the other person. The act of reconciliation will never happen if you start yelling at each other, but, on the contrary, can only make the situation worse.
Give as much time as needed
As stated earlier, every person is different, so some hold a grudge for just a little while, while others just hold it forever. Do you ask for forgiveness and hear in response that the person needs more time to understand himself? Give him this time. I think that as soon as your loved one understands himself and his thoughts, he will simply call or talk to you first.
How to make peace after a quarrel
Be willing to admit your mistakes Maybe you think that nothing happened, that the other side is terribly exaggerating. Think about how you would react if you were in her place; you probably wouldn’t be happy. Maybe that person is more sensitive and is more affected by certain things. First of all, admit yourself guilty to yourself, and then go ask for forgiveness. Apologize and show some humility by admitting that you feel bad and saying that you are very sorry about what happened.
Get into the conversation. Ask a friend to go for a walk. Sit on a park bench and try to talk calmly. Being surrounded by greenery, birds and people while walking will create a pleasant mood and the atmosphere will be less nervous. Talk about what happened and try to come to an agreement. Show that you deserve a second chance, and that you shouldn’t ruin such a relationship after one event, which, however, you really regret.
How to make peace after a quarrel
Good advice is not in our tradition7
There is such a profession - family psychologist. In the civilized world people go to him to improve relationships, if kittens really improve them. It helps the parties to the quarrel to begin to communicate with each other again without accusations or any scandals.
A psychologist is the way out when the situation snowballs, you can’t somehow restrain yourself, and the conflict is so great that it smacks of separation.
Important: this should not be a friend of one of the partners or spouses. What is needed is a third party. If “there is no money,” write together on the psychological help forum, or call the hotline. But not friends, mothers and girlfriends.
And again it doesn’t work?9
Those who had a “hard fight”, do not communicate, and have no option for contact, must find him, but carefully. Let time pass, passions subside, and your spouse or partner stop reacting painfully. And then it will be possible to talk, find out what caused it and not do it again.
An exception may be treason. No matter how much we are called upon to forgive wisely for the sake of our children, blocking a cheater or cheater on social networks, stopping answering calls, throwing away things, and filing for divorce is the norm. Not all people believe that betrayal can be survived.
Of course, many act in the spirit of “I love...” and try to “forgive”, but you need to take a different point of view. It is justified, especially if the other party to the conflict continues to ignore moral standards.
Not a bad way out for independent people8
Do they both understand that they want to make peace, and they need to somehow overcome the conflict? You just need to sit down together and formulate your complaints in writing. Preferably point by point. No personalization.
You need to start with the words “I feel that...” And not “you are so and so.”
Next, you should exchange letters and respond, also on paper. Why bother with paperwork? This will help you concentrate on the problem and solve it thoughtfully, and not just talk, quarrel and break up again.
Path and stomachs6
Advice from the area of “domostroy plus” says that you should definitely prepare a bunch of food and try to seduce a man with it, even if you don’t feel like cooking, but have a great desire to knock a frying pan on your husband’s head.
Why shouldn’t you follow the “house-building” advice? So the subconscious of the other side of the conflict will finish everything itself. In appearance, she will seem to want to return everything, strengthen and make peace, but in her heart she will become furious over the need to get up at 6 and fry damned cheesecakes for a person who doesn’t even remember what they had a fight about.
A few notes on family quarrels
The more insignificant they are, the more violent the showdown usually proceeds. It's very simple: if two people quarrel over a serious issue, they usually discuss the very subject of disagreement and strive to come to at least some kind of agreement. If a quarrel occurred over a trifle, you can be sure that people are simply tired of each other. To somehow relieve irritation, they need to quarrel. Those. Swearing in this case is an end in itself. At the same time, until the anger of both participants in the quarrel goes away, you can forget about reconciliation. Naturally, old sins, stupid actions committed a thousand years ago, unpleasant habits are remembered. It is interesting that a rare quarrel in such cases goes without mentioning the enemy’s mother (the leading topics are her improper upbringing and hereditary character traits).
Option one - Storm in a teacup
.
Stormy, dramatic showdowns are especially common in the first months of marriage, as well as during the period of expecting a child. In the first case, this is explained by too much mental stress - for both spouses, the need to get used to each other, causes a natural need for release. Stormy quarrels usually end in no less passionate reconciliation; husband and wife seem to say: “We are a normal family. We love each other and can go through periods of cooling off without harming our relationship."
The second case - violent showdowns during pregnancy - is usually provoked by the expectant mother. This is also easy to explain: the hormonal changes that occur in a woman’s body during pregnancy, as well as anxiety and worry (how is the baby? Is he healthy? How will the birth go?) - all this causes temporary changes, sometimes quite significant, in the future psyche moms. An expectant mother with a blissful smile and a serene expression can only be seen in advertisements for maternity products. In life, a woman expecting a child often becomes more anxious, capricious, and irritable. She may experience frequent mood swings, periods of causeless sadness, and anxiety.
Both the expectant mother herself and her loved ones are rarely ready for such changes. (And since the husband himself is worried and worried, he is also not a model of mental balance.) Accordingly, any disagreement at this time has every chance of turning into a stormy scandal.
