I hate my sister: family ties, mistakes, consequences, ways to improve relationships and advice from psychologists

October 17, 2018
Psychology of relationships
Daniil Belousov

Bad relationships in the family can begin at the most unexpected moment. The closest people do not always understand and appreciate each other. Often, serious squabbles, quarrels and resentments arise between sisters (brother and sister). If hostility gradually increases, then after some time negative emotions can accumulate to such an extent that we can already talk about real hatred.

However, most often the sisters understand that the reasons for their quarrels are not so significant. Of course, they want to see each other as best friends and spend more time together. But not everyone can take the first step towards reconciliation. The situation is very often complicated by the fact that one or both sisters simply categorically disagree with the position of the other. This is explained by the fact that each person has his own character traits, temperament, etc. Some are more aggressive and cruel, other people are selfish and more dependent on finances. Often disagreements lead to the fact that over the years one of the girls comes to the terrible thought “I hate my sister!” In this regard, the question arises whether this situation can be corrected or, against the backdrop of negative emotions, family ties will have to be abandoned forever.

general information

There was an opinion that sisters are the best friends. However, in reality, most often psychologists are faced with a situation where one of the girls declares: “I hate my younger sister, what should I do about it?”

Of course, such a phrase hurts the ears and causes pain in the heart of the girls’ mother. The situation seems hopeless, but there is no need to panic right away. You need to understand that relationships between brothers, sisters and other relatives are not always formed according to the same pattern.

Sometimes there is not as much positivity in a family as we would like. First of all, this is explained by the fact that every child is a greater egoist than an adult. The baby is accustomed to the fact that he is given all the attention of his parents, love, the best toys, food, etc. Girls are especially accustomed to this.

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Jealousy

Of course, with the appearance of a little sister, the older girl develops strong complexes. At the same time, she begins to compete with the baby, as she sees that her parents give her much more attention. She can declare in her hearts: “I hate my younger sister! Why did you even start her?”

Such competition most often occurs when the age difference between children is very small. If the older sister is already of a conscious age and understands her responsibility for a tiny child, then in this case such problems arise less often.

However, despite this, many girls very often pay attention and remember, even if unconsciously, that more attention was paid to their sister. They are not always right in such judgments. After all, when they themselves were babies, they simply do not remember that their mother and father also gave them all the love and care. At the same time, the girl received even more warmth, since she was the only child at that time.

Caring for the youngest

Unknowingly, parents shift some of the responsibilities for caring for the youngest child to the older one, who in fact is not obliged to do this. This is especially inappropriate if the difference between the children is from 2 to 6 years, when the older child still needs care and love.

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But the most surprising thing is that there are many parents who, even in adulthood, force older sisters or brothers to take care of their younger ones, arguing this like this: “You’re the eldest, help him get a job”; “You earn more, help Lena with money.” And it doesn’t matter that the youngest is already 30 years old, since for mommy he remains the same baby.

In such situations, older children become very upset, because, unlike their mother, they perceive their brother as a healthy and adult man who is able to do everything on his own and without outside help. If the sister is 33 and the brother is 30, then why should she help?

Of course, such situations are not uncommon, and only the parents are to blame for this, because with such behavior they spoil the relationship between the closest people: brothers and sisters.

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Opposites

Another reason why you might hear “I hate my sister!” from one of the girls is that very often girls are very different from each other. They have different vectors of behavior and life positions. While one sister dreams of becoming a star, chooses a new expensive dress for herself and only dates rich men, another girl works at a simple job and appreciates sincerity of feelings and kindness.

A more down-to-earth girl will have a much stronger connection with her mother. However, she will never understand the behavior and actions of her sister. Accordingly, two reasons at once can affect the development of the conflict.

The first thing a more self-centered sister will notice is that she is not as connected to her mother. Of course, she does nothing for this and, by and large, does not want such a close relationship. However, seeing that her sister is actively discussing everything with her mother and they communicate like best friends, deep down she will experience disappointment and strong jealousy.

The second reason for disagreements and the phrases “How I hate my sister!” in such a relationship is that both girls simply do not understand how they can live this way. A more demanding girl will begin to create situations from childhood in which attention will be paid only to her. A calm sister will, of course, put up with this situation for a long time, since she has very tender feelings for her dearest person. However, over time, pain and resentment will outweigh so much that love will gradually fade into the background, and hatred will begin to progress in the foreground.

"MamaMisha"

A young couple gives birth to a child. Long-awaited or accidentally started - it doesn’t matter. From the moment of his first cry (and sometimes from the moment of the first intrauterine movement), the mother practically ceases to exist as a person, she is only a container, a food supplier, a transport for the most valuable cargo. No one cares anymore about how she feels, what she thinks, what she wants.

All the attention and care of all family members is directed exclusively and only to the baby

“It’s like I’ve become invisible! The birth mother calls and is only interested in how the baby slept, ate and pooped! All the relatives ask, “What can he already do? Is he already holding his head? Does he sleep well? Damn, why doesn't anyone care if I sleep AT ALL? The husband comes home from work and the first thing he does is rush to see how his son is doing. And I?".

At first it even pleases and touches. After a while it starts to get annoying. And then you humble yourself and accept this new role of yours: retinue of the Sun King. Moreover, you can no longer imagine yourself apart from these tiny ears, these delicately smelling rings on the back of your head, these plump heels that thresh you wherever they reach you... Nature cleverly arranged everything so that the mother dissolves in caring for her offspring and forgets about yourself, this is how it is necessary for this same offspring to survive and grow up more or less healthy. It is assumed that by the age of two, the hormonal frenzy subsides, the mother regains consciousness, and she again becomes what she was before giving birth: a sane, adult, able-bodied woman.

Here we should begin to slowly prepare the family for the idea that in a year the mother will return to normal, go to work/study, and again begin to talk on topics other than “Eat porridge and get ready for a walk.” And suddenly it turns out that mom is pregnant again.

“Okay,” she thinks, “we’ll shoot for everyone at once, and then I’ll go to work properly.” Anyway, the eldest is still very small, he needs his mother.”

Three years later, my mother discovers that the eldest will soon be in first grade, somehow afraid to leave him alone, she will still have to pick him up from school at lunch, and the little one goes to kindergarten, and there you know what an adaptation is, and everyone gets sick all the time...

>And now she has been sitting at home for ten years. Sitting is, of course, a loud word, with two or three children it’s not like sitting down, it happens all day long and you can’t stand, everyone is running. It’s good if you manage to eat at the table, and not sip straight from the pan, because otherwise these bandits will turn everything upside down.

But gradually she forgets everything that occupied and pleased her before: profession, hobbies, interests. And your real self. To the question “Who are you?” answers “I am the mother of Misha, Katya, Vanya,” even nicknames on the forums consist of children’s names and all sorts of variations of the word “mother.” Identity crisis, that's what it's called. I ask such a client, “What do you want for yourself?” - begins to answer about children and husband.

Different types

Psychologists often call one of the sisters “sonic” and the other “oral.” The first type is more closed. Such girls are silent and unemotional. They don't like loud conversations and can't stand it when someone swears or behaves too provocatively.

The “oral” type of temperament is the complete opposite. Such a sister will talk loudly, laugh, perhaps even make dirty jokes and swear. For her, her quiet sister is unpopular. In turn, the “sound” girl feels ashamed of her impudent relative. Although this is not often the reason why the younger sister hates the older one (or vice versa), sometimes even small things lead to negative emotions.

Appearance

This is one of the main reasons for the hostility between the sisters. It often happens that one girl is popular with men, she is beautiful, elegant and has a slim figure. And the other girl is not always so lucky with her external parameters. In this case, she always hears enthusiastic exclamations about her sister. All the neighbors will talk about what a beauty she has grown into, etc. Accordingly, no one particularly speaks out about the “ugly girl”. In addition, in such families it is accepted that girls who are not so lucky with their appearance should concentrate only on their studies.

Of course, this situation is fundamentally wrong, and it very often leads to serious problems and even phrases like “I hate my sister!” Parents must learn to strike a balance. If one of the sisters is less beautiful, it is worth dressing her up, teaching her how to use cosmetics, etc. It is also worth explaining to her that her intelligence can become her main trump card, so she should not be shy about showing her advantages.

Practical advice for dads and moms

1. Ask your child to make a beautiful drawing, frame it and hang it in the newborn's room.

2. Let him follow the passage of the days remaining until the birth of the little one, tearing off sheets of paper from the calendar with funny pictures, rhymes or riddles.

3. Invite him to play the role of a photo reporter (if the child is old enough) when the baby is brought home from the maternity hospital. He will be proud and absorbed in this role, which will relieve him of some worries and allow him to feel involved in what is happening.

4. Talk to him about his own birth, look at baby photographs, talk about the happiness you experienced in those days. Let him choose for his personal album the photographs that seem most important to him. Show your child that every minute of his life is important to you.

Read other articles from the section “Advice from a Psychologist”:

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Bad example

Many parents don’t even think about the fact that they themselves are showing their children that hatred in the family is the norm. Very often in a marriage, a husband and wife have a huge number of serious problems with their mother-in-law and mother-in-law. They are not shy about speaking about them, they often swear and constantly talk about their dislike. Children see that such communication is completely normal and begin to project it onto themselves. If the father says how he can’t stand his mother-in-law or his mother’s sister, then why can’t one of the girls say: “I hate my little sister too!”

Therefore, exceptionally good relations between relatives can encourage girls to treat each other with great respect and awe. Only then will they not conflict and will always try to find a compromise.

Of course, if sisters hate each other, then most of the blame falls on their parents. Especially if they separate sisters and call one smart and the other stupid or admire the beauty of only one of the girls. In this case, it is not surprising that by doing so they themselves literally push their daughters into conflicts and hostility.

If one of the children says: “I hate my sister!” - then you need to first of all understand the mistakes that the mother and father make. It is equally important for the sisters themselves to understand how to behave so as not to take things to extremes.

Setting boundaries

To build any relationship, it is important to timely and competently set clear boundaries that should not be violated. We must always remember about individual freedom, its space and sense of tact.

For example, if it is unpleasant for a relative to talk about income and money, then it is better to avoid these topics and not particularly brag about your financial successes. There is no need to immediately demand frank conversations from your brother or sister. Perhaps in the future the relationship with them will become closer and more trusting. But this should happen gradually, without any pressure. Rules and boundaries can be discussed in advance to ensure that all parties are satisfied.

Don't get involved in family scandals

If a mother scolds her sister, and the other daughter takes the parent’s side, then the second girl will associate her with a traitor. After all, they should be one team. On the other hand, there are often situations when the older sister begins to scold the younger sister together with her mother, because she understands that the younger girl does not yet fully understand her mistakes.

In order not to hear the terrible words “I hate my big sister!”, you should choose a position of neutrality. If mom or dad scolds your sister, you need to stay away. Also, you should not discuss it behind your back with your parents. Otherwise, you can become a real enemy for her.

Harness the power of nostalgia

If you grew up with your sister, you can share a lot of childhood memories with each other. Start a conversation about your childhood memories to take full advantage of the power of nostalgia. When talking to your sister, mention small positive stories or big memorable events. It is important that the conversation is held with humor and only on good topics, so that a common past can unite you again.

Discuss relationships

As a rule, even the most selfish girls need connection with their family. Therefore, there is always a chance to discuss problems. This is especially true in those families where there are adopted children or children from the first marriage of one of the spouses.

In such situations, you can often hear: “I hate stepsisters!” If there are such emotions, then you need to talk with the object of hatred and honestly admit your feelings and the reasons for their appearance. Perhaps, by opening your soul, you will be able to look at the situation differently and together find a way to solve the existing problems.

Celebrate holidays together

When New Year or other holidays are approaching, all people are in high spirits. Negativity fades into the background, and only positive thoughts swarm in your head. It is at such moments that it is important to be close to your sister. When two people put aside their differences for at least one day so as not to spoil the holiday, it is easier for them to see something positive in each other.

There is another option to get closer and once and for all stop thinking: “How I hate my little sister!” To do this, you need to go on a joint vacation. A little adventure on the seashore and a relaxed atmosphere will help you calm down and learn to spend time with your loved one, which will not be wasted on empty squabbles or insults.

Greetings

So, there is a task - to write a letter to my brother in the army. First of all, you need to put down the date of compilation

And it doesn’t matter where exactly the text is written - on paper or in a word processor. Many conscripts store such messages throughout their service, and often even after it.

The date at the very beginning allows you to remember exactly when the message was received.

Next you need to write a greeting. Typically, when composing text, most people use names, for example, “Dear Sasha,” “Hello, Sasha,” or the less formal “Hello, Sasha.” It is advisable to put an exclamation point at the end. It is better to write the main part of the text on the next line to highlight the appeal.

How to stop hating your sister: advice from psychologists

There are several recommendations that will help overcome hostility and improve relationships:

To mature. Very often, long-term hatred between sisters is formed at a very early age. Throughout her life, one girl can remember that her little sister received more attention from her parents, she always had the best toys and everything else. However, you should not remember the grievances of the past. The job of an adult is to move forward and never look back. In addition, you need to understand that it is not the sister’s fault that the parents set their priorities incorrectly and were unable to share their love between the girls in such a way that none of them felt offended.
Admit there is a problem. If you turn a blind eye to everything that is happening and wait until the hatred passes on its own, you can only make the situation worse. First of all, you need to talk to your sister and admit that you have unpleasant thoughts about her. Only by recognizing that hatred really lives in the heart can you begin to analyze your emotions and understand the reason for their occurrence. This will help take the first step towards correcting the situation.
Look at things realistically. People who share the same blood are not always close and interesting to each other. If it turns out that the sisters have absolutely nothing in common and such communication only burdens them, then it is better not to try to force yourself to be friends and love your sister. This will only make the situation worse. If a person seems like a stranger, then there is no point in changing this situation. Moreover, in history there are often cases when sisters betrayed each other and did terrible things. But there is no point in conflict either.

Be patient. You need to understand that such problems cannot be solved in one second. Of course, in melodramas, girls cry, hug, and the next day they begin a new relationship. In reality, first of all, the sisters will have an unpleasant and honest conversation. They must express to each other everything that is boiling over. Most likely, the first such communication will be filled with negativity. However, if you don’t stop, sooner or later the conversation will turn to how to find a way out of the situation. We must remember that truth is born in conflict. Perhaps, in a fit of anger, one of the sisters will name the true reason for the hostility, which she herself had no idea about.
Visit a specialist. If you cannot solve the problems on your own, you should consult a psychologist. He will offer exercises that will help you get closer, force you to honestly admit your feelings and talk about their nature, etc.
Mark boundaries. If all else fails, you need to agree to start over from scratch. There is no need to sort things out or remember past grievances. From this moment on, the whole past is forgotten and a new life begins. However, achieving such an effect is very difficult.