Writer Emile Azhar argued that “if there is anything unforgivable in the world, it is the inability to forgive.” An unresolved conflict or a long-standing resentment can take deep roots and poison your life for many years. Moreover, such emotions have a negative impact even on the physical level. For example, long-term resentment can eventually lead to the development of cancer. Constant anger negatively affects the liver.
However, research has shown that forgiveness can significantly improve well-being. It lowers blood cholesterol levels, thereby reducing the risk of a heart attack, improves mood, and eliminates anxiety and depression. Forgiveness can even make you sleep better. Researchers say that as people age, they learn to forgive. Probably, years add wisdom to us, and it, in turn, teaches us to let go of grievances.
“Resentment is synonymous with disappointment and pain. — Says Karen Schwartz, MD, “Anger and resentment “switch on” a fight mode that affects the functioning of the heart and immune system. As a result, the risk of developing depression, heart disease and even diabetes increases. While forgiveness has a calming effect, reduces stress levels and improves the condition of the whole body.”
Forgiveness is not just words. This is a process that we consciously initiate in our body in order to get rid of negative emotions.
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But do we know how to forgive? This is an ability that is not so easy to acquire.
Make forgiveness a part of your life
“Forgiveness is a choice,” Schwartz says. “You decide to offer the person who hurt you sympathy and understanding.”
After all, people bring into the world what they themselves are filled with. Think how unhappy the one who radiates hatred is. And find the strength to feel sorry for him. Forgiveness is not a reward that you graciously bestow on the offender. You do this primarily for yourself, because negative emotions will ultimately result in a chronic disease of one of the internal organs. Moreover, a person who remembers the harm caused by others cannot be truly happy.
Practice forgiveness. Why and how to forgive?
In this article we will look at the topic of grievances and forgiveness from the point of view of psychology, esotericism and religion, study the theory, deal with questions like “why forgive” and “how can you forgive a person for...”, watch a video and master the simple and effective practice of forgiveness, which gives simply amazing results.
Why do you need to forgive people?
A typical question that arises in the average person when confronted with the statement that others need to be forgiven is: “Why should I (or should) forgive him?” And the answer to this question is simple: you do not “should” (are not obligated) to forgive the offender, but it is in your interests. Religions teach to forgive other people (remember at least the prayer “... and forgive us our debts, just as we forgive our debtors”), they advise us to love our neighbor, and this is all correct, although it is not always clear why or why we should forgive and how exactly you can forgive and love.
Religions do not provide a clear and easy-to-implement practice of forgiveness, so psychology comes to the rescue. First, we need to understand that if we do not forgive others, keep and cherish grievances, stress ourselves out and strengthen hostile feelings, this turns primarily against ourselves.
Negative emotions as a mechanism of self-destruction.
Resentment, anger, hatred and, in general, any claims against another person or people are negative emotions that we carry within ourselves. Modern scientists have proven that such negative emotions bring us not only internal discomfort, but also physically destroy our body, and they also create a negative future, attracting a lot of troubles into our lives, since like attracts like.
Until we see this mechanism of self-destruction, we will not be able to understand the need to practice forgiveness. Much has been said and much has been written about this mechanism of self-destruction. For example, you can read the articles “Psychological Causes of Diseases”, “How Emotions Affect Our Health”, “Causes of Problems, Suffering and Depression”, etc. By seeing the consequences of not forgiving others, we take the first step toward freeing ourselves from the trap of negative emotions by becoming aware of the need for change.
The second step is to understand and understand how to quickly and effectively change the current situation, and the third is to begin the practice of forgiveness. In this way, we can change our future destiny, free ourselves from the heaviness and harmful influence of negative emotions and bring more harmony and joy into our lives.
How to forgive and let someone go?
To forgive a person for anything, you need to understand that “nothing in my life is accidental,” including the actions of other people that cause me to feel resentment, injustice and other negative emotions. The article “Nothing is by chance, or Why do troubles happen to me,” as well as any other materials that explain the law of karma or, as it is also called, the boomerang law: “what we emit, is what we receive,” will help you gain this understanding.
When we see that another person, having committed a “bad” act towards us, has only returned to us what we once did towards others, it becomes very easy to forgive him, even without the practice of forgiveness. In this case, the problem of forgiveness disappears by itself. But it is not always possible to see the “sins” of others against us “like the return of a boomerang,” because often we do not remember not only past lives, but even our bad deeds in the current life. In this case, the practice of forgiveness, which is explained and carried out in the attached video, can help.
By forgiving and letting go of a person who has offended us, set us up, cheated on us, caused pain or trouble, we are freed from negative connections with him. “Letting go” does not necessarily mean “letting go”, it is an internal letting go, which is discussed in more detail in the practice of forgiveness (see video).
Theory and practice of forgiveness.
Having dealt with the theories of forgiveness, we begin a simple practice in which we will work with a specific person against whom we harbor a grudge, against whom we have complaints or experience negative emotions. In this video, Oleg Gadetsky, a famous psychologist, will give us all the theory we need to understand and conduct a session of forgiveness practice for us.
Video excerpt from Oleg Gadetsky’s training seminar “Laws of Fate”
Resentment is unfulfilled expectations
You must learn not to expect anything from others. Nobody owes you anything or is obligated to do anything. If there are no vain expectations, there will be no resentment. This axiom must be learned for the sake of one’s own well-being and health. In fact, resentment is an emotion that destroys the body from the inside. We need to get rid of it. This is especially important to do for sensitive people who feel it very often and are often offended over trifles.
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Why do we get offended
Try to remember your very first offense. It will probably be something from childhood. It is during this period of life that we learn well how to “correctly” be offended by others in order to achieve our goals. Many girls and boys, unfortunately, take this childhood skill into adulthood.
When do we get offended?
- If someone didn't give us something we really wanted (be it a lollipop or a luxurious bouquet of roses on a special occasion);
- If someone did not “read your thoughts” and did not do as you wished (it was out of spite that he did not go to the store to buy bread...);
- If your opponent’s opinion is fundamentally at odds with yours (after all, you are sincerely convinced that you are right, and he is proving something to you).
We are offended simply because we are accustomed to reacting this way since childhood. Touchiness can quietly become part of one’s character - a real bad habit that destroys a person from the inside.
Deep Forgiveness
Resentment has a way of hiding deep in the soul. You may not even be aware of their presence. Therefore, look deep inside yourself and think, have you forgiven all the grievances? Search your brain for memories of childhood and youth. Remember the people who hurt you. You will be free if you can let go of negative emotions.
Studies have shown that people whose forgiveness came in part from the understanding that no one is perfect were able to resume a normal relationship with the offender, even if the offender never apologized.
You need to forgive unconditionally
No matter how difficult it may be, you need to forgive sincerely, from the bottom of your heart, without putting forward any conditions. If you agree to a truce, but at the same time insist on your own interest, such forgiveness cannot be called true. This is more like a compromise that has nothing to do with offense. For example, you should not tell a loved one that you will forgive him if he changes his character. You must accept him as he is, and not make concessions in order to subjugate him to your will or make him the way you want him to be.
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Forgive yourself
You probably hold resentment for actions that embarrassed or upset you once. However, everyone has the right to make mistakes. And you included. Therefore, forgive not only others, but also yourself. We all sometimes take someone's actions as an insult. And we ourselves often offend others without noticing it. In the end, all that remains is to admit that each of us has flaws, but not everyone is ready to accept their presence.
Option 2.
“Why is it important to be able to forgive?” We ask ourselves this difficult question every time when we face the choice of taking revenge or forgetting about an insult, when we reflect on the meaning of life or look into our soul, as if we are conducting an audit of human qualities there. Many classics of Russian and foreign literature believe that the ability to forgive is very important and necessary for a person. It is typical for people who are generous, strong, and want to live in peace and harmony.
Work by A.P. Platonov’s “Yushka” is familiar to many readers. The main character of the work is a simple, kind, defenseless person. He was short, thin, poor. Yushka was forty years old, but he looked older, as he suffered from consumption, which made him physically weak. He saw poorly, his eyes were always wet, as if there were undried tears in them. Yushka always wore the same clothes, which had become very worn out over the years, but the owner did not pay any attention to this. Everyone in the city knew this kind, modest man, and all the residents, from children to the elderly, tried to offend him, mock him, and take out their anger on the unrequited man. The kids threw stones and earth at him, and the adults insulted him with rude words or raised their hands. But Yushka always endured, he never answered anyone rudely or with anger. He knew how to forgive people's misunderstanding, inhumanity, and cruelty. His soul remained pure, like the water of a spring, as if he had long known a simple truth: a person’s soul and thoughts should be purer than his face and body. The ability to treat people kindly and forgive them endowed the hero with inner vision and enormous strength. He saw and noticed what others did not notice and could endure various everyday hardships and hardships.
But life examples and literary works suggest that there are people who do not know how to forgive or understand another, even a loved one. Often this misunderstanding and inability to forgive leads to tragedy. The heroine of the novel “Lord Golovlevs” M.E. Saltykova-Shchedrina is familiar to many readers. Arina Petrovna is a powerful, calculating, greedy woman. She has four children, but she does not feel any special maternal feelings for them, just as she does not feel love for her husband. She considers her household members a burden and does not trust any of them. The author does not endow her heroine with any positive traits: she is a stingy, quarrelsome, stern lady who does not know how to understand those who are next to her. She demands complete obedience from children, and evilly curses those who dare to act in their own way. Arina Petrovna does not know how to listen, understand and forgive. She does not forgive her son Stepan because he squandered his capital, became a beggar, and then returned to his mother in Golovlevo. She curses her daughter Anna, for whom she had great hopes, but she ran away from her mother’s care with a cornet, who abandoned her after some time with her little twin daughters. She never once listened to either her sons or her daughter, did not try to understand them, much less forgive them. This led to tragedy: sons Stepan and Pavel and daughter Anna die one after another. Deceived by her son Judushka, Arina Petrovna is left alone and dies. The inability to find a compromise, sympathize, give the warmth of your soul, forgive does not allow you to live in peace, it poisons a person’s life.
Thus, works of fiction allow us to conclude that the ability to forgive is very important for everyone, since it cleanses a person’s soul, makes him nobler, purer and higher than others, and also gives him enormous strength, thanks to which he can endure all everyday problems. hardships.
Forgiveness must come from the depths of the soul
That is why it is worth first of all applying volitional forgiveness, which will then be followed by emotional forgiveness. You need to understand that this is beneficial for both you and the offender. You will get rid of the emotions of anger, jealousy, disappointment, etc., and the person will not feel guilty before you. If you really forgive him from the bottom of your heart, surely the unpleasant situation will never arise in your memory, you will forget all the bad things and will no longer remember it (much less reproach the offender).
A person forgives out of a sense of righteousness
There is no need to forgive, considering all people stupid, ignorant and sinful, against the background of this, believing that you are superior to them. There is a category of people who are distinguished by selfishness and excessive pride, therefore they forgive others with ease. You could even say that they are not really offended, since they, in fact, do not care how they are treated. They confuse forgiveness with leniency and favor, which in no way corresponds to the idea of true attitude. You need to understand that all people are equal, therefore they should be treated with due respect.
Helps to elevate another person in your eyes
True forgiveness is different in that in the process you do not try to remember the unpleasant actions that the person took towards you. In addition, you do not focus on his negative qualities in order to emphasize that you are right and prove to yourself that you were really offended. You become, in a sense, your abuser's advocate. Instead of negative traits, you look for positive aspects in him and try to elevate him in your eyes, without belittling, and even in some cases exaggerating his merits (to make it easier to forgive him).
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Forgiveness for the purpose of justification
We are talking about excessive justification of the offender, when the offended forgives even more than necessary. That is, he does not simply forget what an unkind person did, but justifies his actions without any particular reason. You should always treat such things objectively, especially if it concerns issues of fundamental importance to you. You can use volitional forgiveness (forgive and stop communicating), but do not give the offender the right to feel one hundred percent right.
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Forgiveness preserves physical and mental health
The anger and resentment that a person keeps within himself for a long time very soon begins to have a destructive effect not only on the psyche, but also on the physical state of a person.
Anger and incontinence in emotions are a state of mind that deals the heaviest blow, first of all, to the health of the person himself.
If you train yourself to feel anger, even in small quantities, you will soon become unable to distinguish between what is normal and what is not. The habit of expressing sudden aggressive emotions produces excess adrenaline in the body, and very quickly such a person becomes adrenoline-dependent and unbalanced.
During moments of stress and anger, our body releases certain types of enzymes that increase blood pressure and cholesterol levels in the blood. Aggressiveness and anger also cause an increased process of production of certain protein cells in the blood, which provoke the occurrence of various infectious diseases in the blood.
Anger and malice are extremely harmful to the normal functioning of the heart. Hot temper and lack of restraint are a direct road to a heart attack.
People who react to a stressful situation with outbursts of anger and emotional incontinence, resentment and bitterness are more susceptible to various heart diseases than good-natured people.
Forgiveness reduces the danger of malice, anger, and depression having a negative impact on a person’s health and relieves a person of all the negative consequences of conflicts, helping him maintain both physical and mental health.
There is no doubt that forgiveness and mercy are the main components of a healthy human existence. They are undoubtedly the most important positive character traits that all people should develop.
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Doesn't count as a sense of duty
False forgiveness may be based on a sense of duty. For example, you forgive your parents because you consider yourself to be their debtor. There is nothing wrong with making a “discount” for their age, possible illness, bad mood, etc. The main thing is that you accept these circumstances with peace in your soul. For example, they felt sorry for their dad and mom, they understood that they were not perfect and could also make mistakes. Therefore, you are ready to forgive them because you sincerely love them and want all the best.
