Why is an ex-husband angry with his ex-wife: a psychologist’s opinion on how to get your family back

From love to hate, as you know, there is only one step. At the beginning of a relationship, under the influence of love euphoria, men and women do not always notice each other’s shortcomings. They only research the person they have chosen as their partner.

Photo by Olya Prutskova: Pexels

Therefore, it is unfair to throw reproaches in the style of “knew who I chose”, “it was immediately clear”, “why did you start everything at all?” It is not always the case that a person opens up right away. Maybe he would not have become what he became if not for the influence of another person. Or maybe he was just well camouflaged.

It is a great success if the beloved immediately showed his true colors. There is no need to flatter yourself with the hope that he will change. You need to chop everything down at once. But why do women most often suffer from humiliation that comes from a person who seems to love?

In this article:

Reasons for insultsHow not to lose yourself

Psychology of "formers"

There can be many reasons why an application for divorce is filed, and there is no point in listing them all; bad things have already happened. There won't be just one person to blame either. No matter how statistics operate on the data that in 90% of cases a woman initiates a divorce, it cannot be said that she ran to the registry office of her own free will and desire. The psychology of a husband after a divorce is also ambiguous and depends not on average data, but on a specific person. So we will also look for male aggression in the individual psychotype, which has a social imprint (after all, divorce is more common among 30-40-50 year olds):

• Dependent on the opinions of others. Friendship between former spouses is the lot of Europeans; in the post-Soviet space, an unspoken rule about enmity and hostility has been adopted. Many sources call this pattern a “tribute to tradition.” Obeying the opinion of the majority, reveling in conversations at drunken men's gatherings about selfish and greedy ex-wives, a man is filled with hatred and burns with revenge. This explains why the ex-husband is mercilessly rude to any peacemaking gesture or divorce issue.
• Egocentrism or a manipulator. Character sometimes takes on new colors when comfort and humility go away along with half of the property. Many men “slamming the door” even hope that after a while their wife, who has realized everything, will crawl to them. When this does not happen, a period of hatred and rejection of one’s shaky Ego begins. Here you should be especially careful, since injured pride can push you to do the lowest things, even to the point that your ex-husband will terrorize you and threaten you with violence. It would be a good idea to enter the number of the district police officer and SBI services into your address book.
• Failed. When the time of rose-colored glasses and carefreeness gives way to bills for an apartment and bank statements for a mortgage, a man begins to think about the inadequacy of his income. At such a moment, he does not always think logically, cutting down expenses and finding ways to earn extra money or career growth. Sometimes thoughts wander to the side - “if it weren’t for this horde that needs to be fed, I would have everything I want.” Only after a divorce does it not become easier, but when you have children together, it only gets worse. Why does the ex-husband begin to hate his now ex-wife even more passionately?
• Secretly in love. And such a paradox occurs. Since childhood, it’s not for nothing that grandmothers teach “hitting means loving.” When a man begins to miss his ex-wife, she is often no longer free, and jealousy and loneliness give rise to anger.

When and why do men return?

Men returning to their former lover occurs for several reasons.

Old memories

The psychology of men during separation is such that at first the man feels a dizzying freedom. He starts going to parties again, drinking beer, surrounding himself with friends. But soon a painful melancholy comes. Random short-lived meetings with women bring little relief and seem meaningless. It turns out that the beloved always remained conscious.

Gradually, pleasant moments from the past become intrusive and deprive you of peace. The gentleman begins to think: it’s hard for the girl he loves without a strong man’s shoulder. The ex is jealous of potential new gentlemen and feels remorse for his own mistakes. After three weeks, the gentleman is overcome by real nostalgia, a great desire to renew the relationship. And he returns.

Longing for a lost relationship is often an explanation for why an ex-wife reminds her of herself. According to the psychologist, it is more difficult for women to forget past love.

Stages of life after divorce

But all these signs of even the “pure” psychotype do not appear immediately. More than 99% of men, even before the stamp in their passport releases them from liability, manage to live through several stages of separation:

1. Single life. In the first few months, there may be no news from your ex other than a constantly updated feed on social networks. Having received the status of a bachelor, he rushes into the arms of young and one-day-old beauties. Alcohol, partying until the morning and non-binding sex, everything that interests him.
2. Satiation. Gradually returning to a rented empty apartment or former family nest begins to depress. There are still unwashed dishes waiting in the kitchen, beer in the refrigerators for lunch, and you need to go to the supermarket for bread. This is felt most clearly by those who did not attach importance to women’s care and household duties. The awareness of real loneliness begins to exceed the joy of nightly debauchery, forcing one to remember his past life more and more often.
3. The desire to return. It occurs in 90% of men in the first six months of divorced life. Therefore, you shouldn’t even guess whether the husband misses his ex-wife, the answer will be positive, and even if not for her, then about the comfort and feeling of warmth that she gave him.

Moreover, the passage of these stages is natural, both for those who have gone nowhere and for those who have decided to find happiness in the arms of their mistress. Only instead of an indiscriminate sexual relationship in bed there will be one and the same, and instead of an empty refrigerator, a comparison of dinner with the cooking of the ex-wife. The result is nevertheless the same. After a few months, the man will be drawn back.

Why does a guy insult a girl after breaking up?

Let's look at a typical example of immature actions. A guy who dated a girl for a long time insults her after separation. Why does he allow himself to offend her?

Well, men's pride is hurt.

Selfishly imagining himself to be inimitable, the young man is furious with hopelessness.

His girlfriend met the guy, having previously spent a languid night with him.

He insults her with words that emphasize baseness and inconstancy.

“Cheap creature, you probably think that I won’t find another one.”

- Yes, I myself have been cheating on you for a long time. She imagined herself to be a queen.

“You’re not going anywhere, little thing.” You'll come back.

-Who needs such an ugly thing! I found you in the trash heap.

Moreover, the guy uses these expressions both after and during the breakup.

Insults have nothing to do with objective reality.

They are so deceitful and vicious that they immediately reveal a person as an inveterate dork.

You, a suspicious type (I’m turning into the unknown), met a girl not at gunpoint, but at the behest of an emerging sympathy.

And now, when the relationship is interrupted on the initiative of one of the parties, in powerlessness and obsessive anger, you will ruin everything that was between you.

With insults, a man reveals his hidden weakness. He is not the hero you saw in your perception distorted by love.

After breaking up, insults are poured from the lips of a boy who has not yet grown into a serious relationship.

And you should not accept the streams of bile words in which he, fluttering, will choke.

The material was prepared by me, Edwin Vostryakovsky.

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Author: Site Administrator | Published: March 27, 2017 | Home | Answers to women's and men's questions

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How to deal with an aggressor

Excessive irritability, moral bullying, or even assault could begin both during the marriage and flare up after the divorce. Often it is a man’s desire to assert himself through belittling his wife that becomes the cause of a breakup. Be that as it may, psychologists see only 3 options for how to respond to an ex-husband’s insults:

1. Mirror projection. “The best defense is an attack” is not an option in this case. Psychologists call this option destructive, capable of leading to unpredictable consequences. You should think three times before warming up your ex with caustic phrases.
2. Indifference. Another road to nowhere. Especially if you have a child together who will absorb this behavior and later carry it into adulthood.
3. A worthy rebuff. If the ex-husband insults and does not skimp on expressions, psychologists advise neutralizing his ardor with calm, goodwill and conversation on neutral territory. The voice should be soft, without mockery or smirk. The fewer reasons for provocation, the faster the heated man will come to his senses.

The last method is quite simple, but only in theory. In fact, it is extremely difficult to calmly hold the defense when the opponent uses knowledge and intimate details, not to skimp on expressions, knowing what hurts the most. In order not to succumb to your own desire to sink to the level of a village obscene squabble, you can try to abstract yourself from the aggressor, imagining in front of you a completely unfamiliar insolent person. When the memory of the wonderful days of the shared past stops hovering behind your shoulders, it will be easier to focus on solving the affairs of the future.

Controversial situations

Sometimes ex-partners face conflicting feelings and internal conflicts . A man, in an attempt to regain a relationship, tries different models of behavior, and a woman simply does not know how to react to them correctly. Wrong actions cause unwanted reactions, and sometimes even disastrous consequences.

Insults against a woman

Why do guys insult girls? A man can begin to humiliate and insult a woman for various reasons. In most cases, he does this unconsciously and seeks to resolve the internal conflict.

Among the main reasons for this behavior:

• demonstration of strength, power - instilling fear in attempts to follow instructions;
• an attempt to assert oneself;
• fear of loss;
• the desire to rise above a successful woman;
• inappropriate upbringing, poor experience of normal social interaction;
• jealousy.

A woman should not take criticism seriously. Most of the arguments selected by the partner do not have objective evidence. To avoid getting upset again, you can block the guy on your phone and avoid personal meetings.

To get rid of aggression, it is advisable for a man to practice breathing exercises and relaxation exercises. You can get creative or do intense physical activity.

The man wants the relationship back

A man may want to return to the relationship not only when he is abandoned, but also if he himself initiates the breakup. If in the first case this is due to disagreement with the claims made, then in the second case this stage occurs after he enjoys the lack of control on the part of his beloved.

To stop looking for meetings, you should occupy yourself with something new . The most effective way is the desire for professional self-realization, acquiring new competencies, and mastering new professions.

To get rid of the persistent attention of a partner, it is enough for a girl to limit his ability to establish contact. You can go somewhere on vacation or visit a friend. A few futile attempts on his part, and the issue will resolve itself.

Why is it important to communicate

Only masochists do not dream of a calm and measured life. Even when the ex-husband tries in every possible way to offend in a conversation, it is necessary to strive to come to a compromise and eradicate all the destructive hatred. There are a lot of advantages to this:

• a person who is aware of shortcomings and weaknesses should be a friend, not an enemy;
• for a (for now) single woman, a man nearby is always ready to help with housework;
• children will have the opportunity to experience a full-fledged upbringing, despite the fact that the parents do not live under the same roof;
• you won’t have to give up your usual social circle;
• there will be an opportunity not only to build friendship, but also to patch up a broken marriage.

Caring relatives, children together, remembering their father before going to bed, and reluctance or inability to build new relationships can also help to blunt the “axe of war.” Sometimes the motivation is the complete sexual compatibility of the spouses, which helps explain why the ex-husband sleeps with his ex-wife and does not want to look for an alternative.

Illusions and excuses

The more disconnected you are from reality, the more difficult it is for you to believe that you are no longer loved. To maintain illusions within yourself, you justify even the most ugly actions towards you.

• “Insults me and asks me to leave? If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t feel so many emotions.”
• “Closes down and doesn’t respond? It pains her to realize that she is destroying our love.”
• “Blocked me on all social networks? He doesn’t want to accidentally stumble upon our photos and cry.”

If you perceive the figure of your ex-partner as one with yourself, then it is impossible to accept the very idea that she may treat you differently than you treat her. If you think that you love, she should love too. Perhaps she just doesn’t understand this, and you are trying to prove it with all your might. But even if you realize that her feelings for you have dried up, you project onto yourself: “Apparently, I didn’t love her properly! But now everything will change." And you run after a person who treats you with indifference at best.

Hence the main misconception that breaking up is an attempt to influence you. As if this is not a desire to be separate from you, but a hint for you to change. It seems to you that as soon as you wake up a different person on Monday, she will come running and throw herself into your arms. But that won't happen. She is not going to change you, she wants to erase you from her life.

Chance for recovery

The brighter and more scandalous the divorce, the greater the chances that it is not a deliberate and irrational decision. This means that after some time, partners may think about returning to a past life. Of course, if we are not talking about the fact of infidelity of one of the spouses (according to statistics, female infidelity is less often forgiven), domestic violence, addiction to drugs or gambling. A separate text can be written about abuse in the family, since tyrant partners often, after a divorce, stage a real performance begging for forgiveness, just to return the victim under their power. There are no options here, you can’t go back.

If the listed factors do not apply, and the discord occurred against the backdrop of emotions, then it remains to figure out how to understand that the ex-husband wants to return to the family. To do this, it is worth analyzing its behavior:

• keeps in touch - for the most insignificant reasons he calls, writes and tries to bump into people on the street;
• gets closer to those around him - he can go to his mother-in-law to help at the dacha, he can ask to visit his brother or sister;
• become an ideal father - participates in every possible way in raising a joint child, goes to meetings, does not forget to bring groceries or pick up from the garden;
• often mentions the past - with a joke or nostalgia, points out moments in the past when you were together, this is the most eloquent hint that makes it possible to understand that the ex-husband regrets the divorce;
• keeps silent about his personal life - does not burden him with his problems, does not flaunt his life after leaving;
• a sad and guilty look at every meeting;
• If you catch yourself thinking that “my ex is nervous in my presence,” then the feelings remain.

But reunification is only possible if both partners have realized the mistake and are ready to build a new future, and not live out the past. Before returning, there is still a lot of rehabilitation work that cannot be ignored. It is a proven fact that men always return, but only to someone they trust, love and believe. You shouldn't abuse this.

Why does a man remind himself of himself: the psychology of men

According to psychologists, a former beloved man or husband sometimes imposes his own person for the following reasons.

1. He wants to figure out whether the lady’s feelings have faded.

Wants to find out if you are yearning for lost love. That’s why he writes messages and congratulates him on the holidays. The guy does this in order to restore his shaky self-esteem, to feel that his beloved is nearby. Or the partner still has feelings, the man wants to renew the relationship.

1. Banal sexual dissatisfaction.

Why does your ex-boyfriend remind you of himself? The psychologist's answer is simple: one of the reasons is a lack of sex. The desire to meet only sometimes is often prosaic. The gentleman simply lacks his previous sexual activity. The stronger sex quickly gets used to a certain “sexual rhythm”. If your husband or lover has had sex for several years in a row at least a couple of times a week, it’s difficult to readjust. Banal sexual hunger will make you call and invite you to a “conciliatory” date.

Why do exes remind you of themselves? Psychology says: it is very difficult to build a normal relationship with a man who “returns” simply to satisfy his libido. Be smart. When your ex-lover pesters you with calls in the evenings wanting to come over to satisfy your “basic instinct,” keep your cool. Yes, sex brings you closer, but this is a different case. Therefore, agree to meet only during your lunch break. Such a date excludes sex. This way you will quickly understand the true intentions of a man: does he just want to satisfy his sexual instinct, or does he really want to return to you.

How to recognize a lie

It’s difficult to forget everything, to just become a couple, having gone through the hell of the divorce process, a series of mutual reproaches and tormented at night by the question “why is my ex angry with me”? Therefore, in addition to hints and circumventions, it is necessary to secure a solid base that He is returning, not because there are material problems, nowhere to live, tired of wandering, or a mistress pointed out the door for imperfection. It won’t be difficult to see the sincerity of an ex-partner, because after years together, it’s quite easy to spot the pretense. It is especially worth being attentive and picky if a man who himself abandoned his family intends to return.

Actions indicating sincerity and firmness of intention to return:

• tries to change, shows qualities that are important to you;
• does not back down after the first refusal;
• demonstrates how well he knows his beloved (giving her favorite gerberas, a mug of the right size, or theater tickets);
• openly admits that he was wrong, realized the mistake, wants to join the family and is ready to work on himself;
• assures of the sincerity of feelings that he will not allow separation anymore.

The main thing is not to rush into a decision. Psychologists advise answering for yourself: “Do I believe his apologies?”, “Do I really want to renew the old relationship?”, “Are his feelings sincere, does he love you, or is it just convenient to return?” You should answer honestly, forgive not for the sake of children, but for the sake of love, and understand the responsibility for the decision. If your intentions are firm and the decision is made to reunite, it is necessary, before moving in together, to discuss past issues that led to the breakup, to understand what was missing and whether both are ready to work on the relationship. Ex-husbands think a lot about their ex-wives, so there will probably be a lot to tell him in the conversation.

Specific situation

Every married couple has an exceptional situation. People decide to divorce because of trifles, misunderstandings, or the desire to throw a whole load of accumulated problems off their shoulders. To understand why the ex-spouse is angry, psychologists advise analyzing the divorce process.

1. Perhaps the reason was some tragic event (the infidelity of one of the partners, illness, death of a loved one). It is easier for a man to shift the burden of responsibility onto fragile female shoulders. Blaming is easier than admitting guilt.
2. Perhaps the ground for the final break was being prepared gradually. Dissatisfaction accumulated, matured and burst like an abscess during the next difficult situation. The negative emotions of the spouse simply burst out because the barrier - legal marriage, marital responsibilities - had disappeared.
3. Sometimes a man does not leave immediately, but gradually. Trying to achieve complete submission, he frightens his wife with long absences and dubious business trips. When she finally announces the final breakup, the woman reacts calmly and lets go. She was tired of worrying and angry, and prepared for life alone. Thus, by blackmailing his wife, the husband burns his bridges to retreat. Angry because the plan failed and there is nowhere to return.

What not to do

The most basic and irreversible mistakes are made in the first time after the divorce process. After all, it is easy, in theory, to abstract yourself from an ex-lover, forget all grievances, find yourself and live correctly, improving your soul and body. In practice, the period of self-flagellation and despair usually lasts for months; “golden rules” and advice cannot become a “magic pill.” But in order not to regret your inability to control yourself for the rest of your life, you should protect yourself from the most basic, most ridiculous and offensive mistakes.

You can cut out these tips for yourself as a reminder until the resentment and emotions subside:

1. Don't beg. A request to return everything, coming from a humiliated person who is capable of making any sacrifice, will be received coldly and with mockery. There is no other option. Such is the human psyche, if there is the possibility of an easy return, there is no point in rushing back. And vice versa, the more freedom, the more thoughts return to the past.
2. Don't be humiliated. You need to worry alone with yourself, do not drag your worries to the public court and to Him in particular. It’s better to keep your distance from your ex, forget about the phone and the desire to speak out. It is better to resort to the simplest and most reliable method - write all your thoughts on a piece of paper and then burn it.
3. Don't try to "pressure on pity." Threats, machinations, conditions, all this will not have any effect. Even if out of pity or fear that something terrible might happen, He returns, He will soon disappear again or the relationship will become such that you will want to cry twice as much.
4. Show aggression. Screaming, swearing, insults are also just a way to throw out anger. But in this way you can only humiliate yourself and push the person away.
5. Cause jealousy. Embarking on a wild life with many partners means only making things worse for your self-esteem and future. Besides, how can you tell if your ex is jealous if he is far away? Post all your antics online? Pass it on through friends? It even sounds ridiculous and vulgar.
6. Ask about his feelings. The most dangerous thing is to voice such a question in the midst of a quarrel. Out of emotion, the ex-lover will blurt out all the unpleasant reality. And even with calm communication, such a question will only confuse a man. The likelihood that He will suddenly melt, remember all the good things and decide to return is zero.
7. Manipulation of children. A family should not stick together just to raise a child together. This is not the best example for children, and it will not bring real happiness and peace of mind. Couples get together for the sake of children, but often separate again, or live in tension, keeping each other at a distance.

The most important advice that works both after divorce and before marriage is the need to love yourself. Only self-sufficient individuals who respect, first of all, themselves and their personal space, are able to create a strong union based on mutual respect and trust. Even if the end point has been reached in your first marriage, you should reconsider your views, first of all on yourself, and not carry old grievances into your new life. Both partners are always to blame for the breakdown of the family. It is a fact.

Foot mat stage

The crown on your head prevents you from agreeing that they don’t want a relationship with you specifically, and not in general. Sometimes it’s easier for a leaving girl to say that she doesn’t want to date anyone at the moment and it’s not about you at all. This reinforces your delusion, because it’s impossible not to really want to be around such a perfect guy like you.

When there is such an illusion, a man has in his head a thought that is logically correct, from his point of view: to show with all his might that I have changed / will change - and further relationships will be full of freedom and ease. If your relationship is still ongoing, then it is at this moment that you begin to merge yourself.

To show her that you are not encroaching on her freedom, you retreat not only from her territory, but also from yours. At the same time, you can see how you suffer and look with greed at everything that was yours. But you wait obediently. It’s unusual for you not to control anything, so at some point you will break loose and begin to push with redoubled force.

The girl understands that the new cage is even tighter - and says: now I’m definitely leaving. But you will apologize, ask for forgiveness, a second, third chance... You can only beg - there are no other tools.

No one will be happy if this kind of relationship continues. And instead of continuing your humiliation after she leaves, think about how this is a deliverance for both of you. She accepted the responsibility that you had to show. And only your choice is to continue to be a doormat just for the sake of being next to her, or to gather your will into a fist and agree with her decision. What is at stake is yourself, your personality.

Results

There are no absolutely happy families, as in Hollywood films. Even fairy tales all end with the wedding of the heroes. Marriage is not relaxation after the struggle for the right to be happy, and registration in the registry office does not provide any guarantees. Unfortunately, only a few remember this, and the fact that both must work for family well-being. According to statistics, more than half of families break up a year after legalization of marriage. But even after the breakup, passions do not subside. Before you fight your ex-husband’s aggression, you should understand yourself and understand what led to such an attitude. This is why you need distance after a divorce, time to think things over.

Is it worth pursuing reunification again after a divorce? Write in the comments your stories and how you found a way out of broken love.

What should a woman do to get her man to come back?

Women are emotional, men are concrete. Scandals often arise out of nowhere: a girl can lose her temper, throw a tantrum, a gentleman can tell the truth, offend with too harsh an answer. And the lovers part. Psychologists advise: if you want to return your gentleman, do this.

1. Avoid infantile tricks, “punishments”.

Immature, ridiculous actions will only further alienate your loved one or husband. He will understand that his wife, his beloved, reminds him of himself, wants to return. It is wrong to casually post links to your own “beach” photos with friends on VKontakte. Just cause irritation. Moreover, avoid childish “punishment” of your loved one for misdeeds. It’s stupid to start dating guys and tell your ex-lover about it to make you jealous. So you can finally lose your gentleman.

1. Give the opportunity to think things over.

For a couple of weeks, try not to annoy your lover with calls or text messages. Give the gentleman time to cool down, think everything over carefully, realize how important you are, and begin to feel sad. Bad memories fade from memory much faster than good ones. Two or three weeks will pass, the lover will simply be tormented by pleasant memories of the lost relationship.

1. Return gradually. Avoid drama and persuasion to return.

Just invite them to have a cup of coffee and chat a little. Avoid immediately starting to tell how much you miss you. Do everything more subtly, resort to hints. No stories about “hard life”, no attempts to make people feel sorry for them. Behave with your gentleman as confidently and positively as possible. Share good news, avoid negativity.

No persuasion to return, no accusations. Don’t say: “ready to forgive.” This will immediately show that you consider the gentleman to be the culprit of the breakup. Just push it away. On the contrary, admit your own mistakes, agree: you made mistakes. Then the man will be more willing to listen and admit his own mistakes. Say: the past is the past, we must live for today, without looking back. Let's understand: we are ready to start the relationship from scratch.

Remember! No preening. Dress normally as if you were going out with a friend. Otherwise, the guy may think: you are trying to please, please. The stronger sex hates women's cunning, tricks, and manipulation. Preening will only be harmful.

1. Change yourself, return to your old self.

During the period of separation, try to become better and correct mistakes. The young man will definitely appreciate it; the desire to return will become much stronger. Try to become the person your lover remembered when you first met. Behave more cheerfully, more casually. Let the guy remember why he fell in love. Dramatically increase nostalgia and the desire to return. After all, a break in the relationship between a man and a woman, as psychology claims, is painfully endured by both parties.

1. Get into better physical shape.

A positive-minded person always attracts people. To have more good thoughts, fewer bad emotions, improve your physical shape. Start running in the morning and doing some light exercise. Increase the amount of endorphin, serotonin, dopamine - substances that increase vitality, make you more optimistic and cheerful.

To spite your bad mood, do more of your favorite activity that brings life satisfaction. Visit the theater, draw, listen to your favorite songs. By all means, distract yourself from dark thoughts about separation. Then it will be much easier to get your partner back.

Also inspire yourself: everything will be fine. Repeat: your loved one will definitely return and become better.

Building relationships, let alone rebuilding them, is not easy. This requires great emotional and volitional efforts. Relationships can be resumed if the man and woman still love, know how to admit their own mistakes, are ready to forgive and move on.