How to love your own child? Or am I completely sick in the head?

Human feelings are the most mysterious phenomenon in the world. Their nature is still unknown, the reasons for their appearance and extinction are also unclear. We can only be guided by external factors that to some extent cause certain sensations in a person. In this article we will try to answer an extremely difficult question: how to love a child? Moreover, we immediately note that this will concern not only love for your own baby, but also such moments as the development of feelings for your adopted child and stepchild.

A short introduction

First of all, it is worth paying attention to such a moment as instinct, which prompts us to love this or that creature. Without this property of human nature, further development of stronger and spiritual qualities is impossible. So, what is maternal instinct in women? It is this term that will serve as our answer to all further questions that will be posed bluntly in the article.

Maternal instinct is not something directly related to a child being carried to term and born in pain, to the fact that he looks like you, etc. It is a feeling that is characterized completely differently, and here’s how. This term refers to the norms of behavior of an individual, in which it tries with all its might to protect a weaker individual. It does not matter whether there are family ties between two individuals or whether they are completely absent. The only important thing is that the defending side is larger, older, wiser and stronger, and the defendant, accordingly, loses in all these indicators.

Who is he, the one who is unloved

In fact, any, absolutely any child runs the risk of being unloved:

first or second, third... tenth;
son or daughter;
all children at once or just one;
quiet or noisy;
sick or healthy;
constantly sleeping or screaming at night;
newborn or teenager;
yours or someone else's.

In this case, the child himself is not to blame for anything at all. And he cannot, even before birth, suddenly decide to irritate his own mother and cause complete negativity in her. Every child is born full-fledged, correct, necessary, talented. Everyone deserves happiness. And it’s not him you need to deal with

More precisely, you don’t need to sort it out with anyone at all, but rather pay attention to the essence of the problem. But more on that later

We and the animals

First of all, for clarity of further conclusions, let's look at mammals and their types of behavior. They are the closest to people in biological and mental structure (unlike reptiles or insects, for example), they are simply not endowed with such high intelligence, the gift of speech, they do not know how to discover something new, etc.

However, the set of instincts in humans and animals is approximately the same. Among their many, there is also a maternal one, which, in fact, is one of the key ones in procreation. Its essence was described above, so we move on to consider its existence within a particular biological species.

For animals, there is no such thing as lack of maternal instinct. They a priori take care of their own offspring, putting the interests of the cubs above their own. Moreover, in animals this quality is so highly developed that they are able to care for even other people’s cubs that are orphaned or lost.

In a basic understanding, for a person everything should work exactly the same. But the catch is that we are also endowed with such a concept as a worldview, which is formed mainly on the basis of the environment.

The current world is fundamentally different from the one in which our cave ancestors lived. Nowadays there is a lot of stress, prejudices, expectations, standards, etc., which radically changes not only the worldview, but also the basic set of instincts and the manner of their manifestation. In other words, some social attitudes can damage the nature of maternal love, and a woman will seriously begin to wonder how to love a child, since she sincerely will not be able to do this.

Why does the problem exist?

If maternal instinct is a natural thing, inherent in every individual (and regardless of gender), then why do many women still ask everyone around them and themselves about how to love a child? The lack of warm feelings for a weaker creature, who is also the successor of your own family, can be caused by many reasons. And here are some of them:

A woman prefers the role of a careerist, wife or lover, not seeing herself as a mother.
At heart, the fairer sex remains a child herself, so the birth of a baby is always put off until “when I grow up.”
There are serious mental disorders that block the manifestation of certain instincts.
The woman herself was not loved as a child, and was not shown how it was to show love and care for her offspring.
The presence of various kinds of phobias, which, in fact, also equates to mental disorders. Fears are so strong that they simply prevent a woman from fully engaging in maternal responsibilities.
Pregnancy from an unloved man.
Reluctance to have a child.

Regarding the last point, reluctance to have a child may be caused by one of the reasons listed above, or it may have other reasons. But it is important to note that absolutely all of these provisions relate exclusively to the modern world and its structure. And for a woman who lived several thousand years ago, all of them were alien, she did not see any obstacles to the birth of a child, and further love for him.

An unwanted gift from fate

It is when, in the presence of one or more of the above reasons, a woman nevertheless becomes pregnant and keeps the baby, the real problems begin. On the one hand, the rules established in society dictate that she love her child and be a good mother. But on the other hand, the same norms previously laid in her the attitudes of a careerist, a “Stepford” wife (but not a mother), coldness towards children, or something else. It turns out to be a vicious circle, and the victim in it is the young mother, and subsequently her baby.

In such a situation, it is difficult to understand how to love your own child if the woman simply did not want him and had other plans for life. However, he has already been born, he is not going anywhere, and something needs to be done so that this little man, who is completely innocent and has just come into this world, grows up healthy, smart, well-mannered and, most importantly, loved. Therefore, we will begin with a description of how dislike manifests itself, and then we will look at the first stages of life that a mother spends with her baby.

Preschooler

According to doctors, the developmental delay in children from orphanages is associated with a lack of communication and the resulting anxiety. The experience of rejection undermines the child’s trust in the world and self-confidence, which lies at the heart of the instinct for cognition. Children are fearful, not inquisitive, and inert. But as soon as a child gets to loving parents, his development accelerates. The task of mothers and fathers is to raise self-esteem and give unconditional, selfless, respectful love. If the child himself reaches out to you, then it is easier to love in return. In the fifth year of life, the baby is already able to feel real affection. But he still needs security and confidence that his mother will not go anywhere.

Manifestation of dislike

There are no sophisticated tests or psychological terms that describe this situation. Both the mother herself and everyone around her always see when she loves her child and when she doesn’t. How can dislike manifest itself? As a rule, this is signaled by the following factors:

The young mother is constantly in decline. Otherwise, this is called postpartum depression, and we will talk about this in detail below. In general, the situation can be described as a complete withering of personality, unwillingness to do anything, and especially to take care of the baby.
Mom puts her interests above the baby's. For example, he spends money not on him, but on shopping, spends time not with the baby, but at work or with friends.
She is irritated by children's crying, if the child is older, then by whims, requests, behavior. She constantly loses her temper, even if the baby just addresses her.

It is important to note that the loss of maternal feelings can happen to a woman at any stage of her relationship with her baby. That is, she can love him when he is still a baby, but then, when the child grows up and acquires a character, misunderstandings will begin, which will cause rejection. This topic will also be discussed in more detail below.

What to do?

Rather, realize that in your life experience there is a place for such a difficult situation, which greatly traumatizes you and helps your personality develop in the wrong direction. Next, it’s time to say goodbye to the hope that your relationship with your mother will ever change, and she will learn to love you exactly the way you’ve dreamed all your life. Look for love within yourself - try to look at yourself through the eyes of a loving mother and imagine what you could be like in that case. Introduced? This is you. Psychologists advise raising your mother within yourself and, in cases of support, turning to her for approval or support.

You shouldn’t live with childhood traumas all your life – this is the other extreme. Don’t waste all your energy complaining and attribute your failures to your parents’ mistakes.

It is very easy to live life in the image of “my mother didn’t love me,” so the most important thing is to stop in time and finish all these processes. After all, when we were children, we had no choice in principle

And now only you decide whether to leave the trauma as an experience or allow the grievances to continue to shape your personality. Be above the past and imagine that mom speaks a completely different love language. And all her grumbling, soups and eternal washing of dishes is the “vocabulary” with which she is trying to tell you: “I love you, daughter.”

Postpartum depression

It’s hard to believe, but every tenth woman in the world suffers from such a mental illness. There are those who heroically struggle with oppressive feelings on their own, and through force begin to love their baby. Others walk around gloomily, doing household chores and caring for the baby like a robot. Only a few turn to loved ones for help, and a few turn to specialists. But it is the last option that is the wisest.

Even those women who planned their pregnancy often ask themselves and psychologists how to love their child after childbirth, because feelings don’t always come when you’re expecting them? Depression of this kind can be caused by many factors, and those described above in the section “Why does the problem exist?” are only part of them.

Let us note right away that many couples do not think ahead, imagining their future with a baby as something like a rosy dream. If a girl, being married to a loved one, planned the birth of a baby with him, and suddenly, when he was born, everything went wrong somehow, the following points may be the reason for this:

A woman has absolutely no time for herself, and she understands this on a subconscious level. She is forced to hide her “I” until better times, and completely surrender to the child.
The relationship with my husband changes radically. The child now sleeps in their bed, it serves as a kind of obstacle to the development of their personal life.
A young mother sits at home, and her husband disappears at work. This is causing considerable concern.

Everything was given to the parents

Once upon a time in childhood, a girl took care of her mother or father. This happened as a result of an accident (and the parents could not take care of themselves), or if the parents were childish, drank and did not want to take care of themselves or the children. This role is passing to the younger generation.

Thus, directing energy in the opposite direction - not from mother to daughter, but vice versa - a shift occurs. The girl energetically becomes a mother for her mother. With the birth of a child, this energy is no longer enough. As is love. NOTHING TO TRANSFER . Here again - dislike in childhood, undeveloped relationships with mother.

I want to love my child, but I can’t.

Ideally, contact a psychotherapist (what is needed here is therapy, not consultation with a psychologist). It is almost impossible to get out of this state on your own. As a result, energy will come to create your own happiness and the opportunity to love your child.

Childish responsibility. When does a child feel bad?

How to cope?

It is at this stage that a competent answer from a specialist on how to love your child can become the key to further happy developments throughout the rest of his life. Therefore, it is extremely important to contact a psychologist with this question, and not endure and suffer. Don't be afraid to tell him about your thoughts and feelings, even if they seem sinister to you. After all, you decided to fight them, so go to the end.

The second thing that can help is books on family psychology. Among them we can name the creation of Elena Kovalchuk “Down with postpartum depression. A Guide for Expectant Mothers”, as well as “A Special Relationship” by Douglas Kennedy, “Taking Love” by Jodi Picoult or “A Mother’s Story” by Amanda Prowse. It is possible that you can read these books on family psychology and at the same time discuss them with your specialist, making treatment even more effective.

It is also extremely important that the correct attitude towards such a vulnerable mother be developed on the part of all her household members, and most importantly, her husband. You cannot ignore her condition, you cannot blame her for one or another of her mistakes. Phrases such as “get yourself together, you wimp,” “you’re a woman and a mother, you have to do everything,” “children are our everything,” etc. will have the opposite effect.

A woman who is in a state of postpartum depression wants to hear words that will support her personally, and remind her that they love her too, and not just the baby, that they care about her too. If you continue to pressure and blame her, she will become even more angry, and things could turn out very badly. Household members should relieve her a little, give her time to rest, sit a little with the child, or help with household chores. Gradually, the tension will subside, and the young mother will be able to look at the situation sensibly and fall in love with her baby again.

The role of the mother in personality formation

What is motherhood? Unconditional love? Self-sacrifice? Lifetime liability? – This comprehensive word includes all these concepts. After all, the formation of the daughter’s personality, her perception of herself and the world around her largely depend on the behavior of the parent. So, what does mom mean to a little girl?

Feeling of security. Mom is the person in front of whom the baby should not be afraid to be herself. Clumsy, with tattered knees, a love for “boyish” cartoon series and sports. A zone free of judgment and the need to adapt will allow her to form her own vision of the world through trial and error.
The right to be a child. A girl, next to whom there is an adult, responsible and mature personality, can calmly go about her “childish things”: play with dolls, play pranks, walk and learn. The absence of the burden of adult responsibilities and knowledge is what every child has the right to.
An example of social interaction. If a mother on the playground constantly gossips about her neighbors and expresses her dissatisfaction with her husband, this will be reinforced in her daughter as an a priori correct and acceptable model of behavior. That is why young parents should pay as much attention as possible to introspection.
An example of a wife. According to statistics, more than 50% of childhood injuries were caused by forced viewing of parental scandals. Every dissatisfied grimace of the mother, a quarrel behind closed doors and an unflattering review of the father as the head of the family is deposited, if not in the memory, then in the subconscious of the baby.
The ability to love and be loved. By observing her mother's behavior, the girl answers many important questions for herself. Do parents love each other or just live together? What actions express her warm feeling? Is she expecting something in return or are her actions selfless? Does she know how to accept signs of attention or does she push them away?

Almost the entire future life of her daughter depends on the mother

“Mom is the first word, the main word in every destiny...” - Remember this song? With the awareness of the influence that the mother’s life position has on the formation of her daughter as an integral, separate person, it acquires even more meaning.

If you are not sure of your own viability as a mother, seek help from a professional psychologist. A specialist will help you identify and resolve family conflicts.

Child growing up

It happens that a mother endlessly loves a child in infancy. And many people mistakenly believe that this period is the most stressful, since the baby is literally not released from their hands. They believe that later he will learn to walk, talk, become more independent and everything will become easier. But the situation, on the contrary, is becoming more complicated.

The baby not only grows up, but also becomes more inquisitive. He begins to demand more attention to himself, and declaring this in words. Moreover, a character awakens in him, which simply causes bewilderment in his mother. Before this, he was a “babe” whom everyone only admired, but now he is capricious, shows dissatisfaction, overdoes it, etc. Here the question arises, how to love your child if he simply pisses you off and irritates you on every occasion?

First of all, we note that a similar situation can arise not only in the child’s kindergarten age, but also in adolescence. She is identical in both of these cases, and the mother behaves the same in both cases. It just all depends on the type of psyche of the child. Either his character will begin to manifest itself from an early age and he will “set the heat” as soon as he learns to walk, or he will be submissive for a long time, and upon reaching puberty, he will begin to “open up.”

Solving the problem

No matter how trivial and annoying it may sound, it’s worth calming down and stopping. Stop the flow of criticism and dissatisfaction that you emit towards your child, even if he does not express it directly. Stop blaming your baby for his actions, whims, and words. To understand how to love a child, you need to look at the world through his eyes.

If you have a baby in front of you who has just started kindergarten, don’t expect her to strive for order, responsibility, or understand your problems. This child is learning about the world, he is interested in everything, he still does not know what evil, negativity, stress, etc. are. And he should not learn this from you. Therefore, if there are problems in your professional or personal life, correct them, and then your child’s behavior will not seem so annoying to you.

If a teenager has “nerves trembling”, then this is to some extent normal. You just need to wait out the period, plus remember that many of its negative qualities are nothing more than a reflection of your upbringing. Again, understand yourself, pay attention to the positive aspects of your child, praise him more, and you will notice that the situation will soon change, you will again understand how to love a child for who he is.

Negative consequences

To conclude this topic, it is worth saying that your shortcomings while your child is growing up can negatively affect not only his future, but also the future of your grandchildren. The most important quality that an unloved child will inherit in adulthood, in relationships, in interactions with his own offspring is the inability to love.

He will ask the same questions as you, suffer, suffer. All because you simply didn’t show him what it is - love and harmony in the family, care, affection, spiritual comfort. A vicious circle will begin that will be very difficult to break. Therefore, it is best to make a break right now in order to protect your own family from making the same mistake.

Is it necessary to show feelings?

It’s corny, but that’s what they were born for .

In order for a person to grow up healthy, and not a neurotic with a bunch of problems, he needs experience in love. He will build many things in the future on the foundation laid in childhood.

Love nourishes, it gives a child self-confidence , and determines the very essence of his existence.

And it is expressed not in the high cost of toys and the coolness of organizing a child’s birthday, but in daily attention - the most precious thing you can give him is your time. As it has been wisely noted: to raise a child well, spend less money on him, but more time.

Childfree, pregnancy: pros and cons. Psychology:

Someone else's child

Adoption is a much more serious and responsible step than the birth of your own baby. These are completely different feelings, situations and ways to resolve psychological problems. There is no single guide on how to love an adopted child, since each case is fundamentally different. But there are some tips that will help establish contact between adoptive parents and the orphanage baby:

Love your child “by touch.” This requirement is the most important, since children who find themselves without the care of biological parents need tactile contact more than anyone else.
Prove your love through actions, not words. For example, teach your child to play the guitar if he has been asking for it for a long time, and do not force him to read books forever “for his own good.”
Be proud of your child's achievements. In this way you will raise its importance in your own life.
Remember that children are our everything. And it was with these thoughts that you went to take custody of your baby. If the baby ends up in your family, it means there are reasons for it, and all adversity is only temporary.

Extremely difficult relationships

A much more complex and problematic question is how to love your husband’s child from his first marriage. In this situation, most likely, you will not be the only one on whose side you should make attempts to “make friends.” If the other party, that is, the baby, does not want to accept you, the matter will not be successful.

Children are people too, each of them has their own character, and they can be very categorical. Especially if the situation is so serious and the child had to be left without a mother for one reason or another. All you can do personally is make love for your child the default feeling and put it on pause. When he himself “ripes” and understands that you are also a part of his life, your feelings will be able to be activated. Until this moment, there is no point in showing excessive and imposed care for the baby; he will take it with hostility.

If you personally are not able to have bright feelings for your husband’s child, and at the same time he does not feel negative towards you, ask yourself, why are you with this man? After all, if you choose him, you must accept him with the “baggage” that he already has. Otherwise, what keeps you close may not be love, but something else.

If you still have feelings for a man, try to figure out what exactly irritates you about your baby. Not everything is always so critical; sometimes, you just have to extend your hands to each other, and the situation resolves itself.

Summarize

There is no clear answer to the question of how to love a child. Every mother understands within herself that this is necessary, but sometimes she simply doesn’t have the strength, knowledge, patience and desire to do everything right. Therefore, there is one single effective truth that will allow everything to improve in any family, in any situation, in any scenario. What is its essence?

Children are our mirror. Even if they are adopted, even if they are the child of a husband who lives with you under the same roof. If something irritates you about your baby, then most likely this trait is inherent in you.

Children are incredibly sensual creatures, they always understand what is on the minds of adults, they always feel their thoughts and impulses. Therefore, if a child has a negative attitude towards you, he will look for weak points simply on a subconscious level and put pressure on them, and he will succeed. Therefore, be aware of this and do not fall for provocation. After this, the situation will immediately become easier, you will look at it differently, and a new stage in your relationship with your child will begin.

It is also extremely important to remember that if dislike comes primarily from you, then with it you will feed the child’s hatred, and only negative qualities will begin to develop in him in one direction or another. This will destroy his personality, make him either a villain or a loser, and as a result, break your family. Therefore, try with all your might to make your baby happy and loved, surround him with care and affection, and soon he will answer you in kind.

Fear of intimacy

Fear of being used. When the first experience of intimacy with your mother was so difficult and traumatic, it is difficult to build close and warm relationships with other people. You constantly expect a trick from them. This is how counter-dependence is formed - “I am all by myself.” And “I don’t need anyone.” He perceives any attempts by others to get closer to him very warily and painfully. He immediately pulls away. Otherwise you never know. He also evaluates what they will want in return. Mom often wanted something. She didn’t just want, but demanded - to be independent, not to be a burden, not to annoy, not to interfere, to help.

What, you recognized yourself, took out tissues and wiped away your tears? No need. How old are you? 25, 34 or 43 and your mother didn’t love you? Bad luck. Terrible. My mother didn't love me either. But I grew up a long time ago and learned to turn everything sad into my own good. Sensitivity helps me a lot in my work as a psychologist. The rest of the experience provides inexhaustible food for introspection and topics for articles.

It’s difficult to live with my mother’s dislike. But it’s even more difficult to live without love at all. You can't change your mother. But you can change yourself. You can learn to love yourself. And build relationships.

I won't lie, the wound will heal. No, she will always be with you. And every time you come across someone mom loves, she will whine. How mine whines when I hear my adult friends complaining: “Mom comes and fries cutlets for breakfast every morning, but we don’t eat cutlets for breakfast, we eat oatmeal, and mom gets offended, and this cutlet smell is in the whole apartment.” If only you knew how much I want my mother’s cutlet. How ready I am to eat it for breakfast, lunch, and even dinner after six. But there are no cutlets for a long time. And my mother is no longer there.

But there is me. There is you. And the rest of our lives to make it the way we like it.

Photo - Lori's photo bank