- Why doesn't maternal instinct exist?
- Isn't the desire to have a child part of evolution?
- If not instinct, then what?
- What about hormones?
- Social attitudes and their consequences
It is believed that women are biologically programmed to want children. And once they give birth, they somehow immediately learn how to take care of them. It is accepted in society that all women should experience a feeling of endless, selfless love for their children. But in fact, everything is much more complicated and in reality there is no maternal instinct . The idea that as a woman you by default want children (and "instinctively" know what to do with them once they're born) is unrealistic
and is the cause of disappointed expectations, disappointment, unnecessary worry, stress and even depressive thoughts.
In this article we will figure out why there is no maternal instinct , what a person can actually have
and
why it has little to do with gender and childbirth
.
Why doesn't maternal instinct exist?
The myth of the maternal instinct permeates all human cultures, from the Catholic Virgin Mary to the Hindu mother goddess. Motherhood is considered the most natural state, the personification of femininity, leaving a childless woman an object of pity (and such an attitude in itself is wrong, but that’s not what the article is about). However, there is no switch in a woman that is ready to go off as soon as she places her baby on her breast or even just finds out that she is pregnant
.
The word “instinct” itself is understood as an innate program of behavior that is carried out automatically by an individual. Instincts are not learned; they cannot be acquired artificially. Unlike animals, we can say that people have no instincts at all
, because most of these innate programs are rigid, unchangeable and caused by a simple stimulus, and people are quite flexible and easily adapt to almost any conditions.
Check out our article for more details on why humans don't have instincts
We have reflexes, life needs and social attitudes
.
After birth, we learn for some time to walk, talk, and distinguish between edible and inedible. A person cannot reproduce and care for offspring without training
. This alone suggests that the concept of maternal instinct is fundamentally incorrect.
On a right way
In any case, remember that the emotional health of your baby depends largely on how we communicate with him, how much we “accept” him. After all, newborns feel the mother’s anxiety, her uncertainty and despair. A child may grow up with a feeling of internal discomfort.
Article on the topic
Tired of being a mother... Why is the female role difficult for many today?
Do not think under any circumstances that you are a “bad mom.” Just figure out the reasons for your feelings. Remember that difficulties can be overcome.
Go to psychological courses for parents, where you will meet like-minded people and competent mentors who will help you realize the value of motherhood.
Develop yourself, gain new knowledge! This is a sure way for positive emotional changes to occur within you, which will also awaken feelings for your child.
Let as many relatives as possible take care of your baby - watching from the side how they fuss with the baby, you can see what a miracle it is to be a mother (sometimes the simple joys of life are visible only from a distance).
Isn't the desire to have a child part of evolution?
It's true, from an evolutionary perspective, humans are programmed to procreate. A woman's body undergoes many hormonal changes during pregnancy, and of course this release of hormones affects behavior, perception and emotions. Shifts in estrogen and the release of oxytocin—the “love hormone”—stimulate connection, affection, and attraction. However, the desire to become a mother is not always innate and many healthy women do not experience maternal desire
.
Moreover, many people - both women and men - prefer not to have children.
Some of them love children, want to take care of them, educate them, and communicate. They usually realize their desire to care for children in another way - by becoming dedicated coaches or, for example, generous and caring teachers. From this point of view , what is called “maternal instinct” is more logically called “the desire to care”
.
Shifting your focus will help you see these behaviors where they exist—all around us. The desire to be cared for is not limited to mothers or fathers and is not gender specific
.
But it does not arise automatically and does not apply to everyone
- that is, it is not an instinct.
Return to childhood
For a woman who is preparing to become a mother or is already witnessing the beginning of a new life, it is quite natural to return to her own childhood, to her most intimate memories, to the child in herself. At the same time, the image of her mother inevitably appears before her. Warmth, gratitude, tenderness can be associated with this image, and then these experiences become very important support for accepting one’s own motherhood. Moreover, the image of a mother can be a good example to follow, a hint on how to behave in unexpected situations. However, sometimes the image of the mother can be associated with grievances or feelings of abandonment, abandonment, and misunderstanding. Then the woman needs to sort out her relationship, because an unconscious desire not to be like her mother can prevent her from accepting her own maternal image. When unpleasant, painful experiences arise, when immersed in memories of her childhood, or when she is completely indifferent to these memories, a woman should find another example of a maternal relationship that could become suitable support for her.
No woman avoids encounters with her adolescence and childhood. Returning to the past sometimes makes her more infantile, helpless, and capricious. But if she is confident in her surroundings and feels safe, then, immersing herself in childhood, she comes into contact with the experiences that she needs to understand the child, to accept his helplessness and weakness.
If not instinct, then what?
Just as a child learns everything after birth, in the same way a mother and father learn to be parents.
– through role models and observation.
This learning occurs from the moment a child is born (and not necessarily their own - some begin to learn this, for example, when they are forced to babysit younger brothers or sisters). Many people assume that after giving birth, maternal instinct should kick in and lead to an instant feeling of love. In fact, according to a 2022 study, feelings of attachment develop a few days after birth
.
Note that the feeling of love - both in the mother and in the father - may appear much later
: after months or years.
Or it may not appear at all
, and these are absolutely normal situations.
Maternal instinct is often called a certain sixth sense.
, which appears from intense intimacy and more than close communication with the baby.
And this doesn't just apply to mothers. If a father, mother, grandmother, grandfather, and even a stranger
spends hours with a child, constantly thinks about him, wants to take care of him,
such a feeling will definitely appear
.
When parents interact with their children, they learn parenting skills through practice and experience. That same maternal (parental) intuition can be associated with experience, temperament and attachment style.
For example, a parent may quickly infer the specific meaning of their newborn baby's cries. He can also easily detect changes in behavior that signal health problems in the baby. This also applies to older children. Parents may feel that something is wrong with their teenager. Sometimes even small changes in behavior that are not caught on a conscious level
.
Thus, many aspects of maternal instinct are a myth
. Although some of these processes may be “unconscious”, this does not mean that they are instinctive.
Postpartum depression
Unfortunately, the media often tells horror stories of mothers intentionally harming or even taking the lives of their babies. How can this happen if it is in a woman’s nature that when she hears her child crying, she immediately runs to calm him down? We are talking about obvious mental disorders that occur in a fairly large number of young mothers.
Postpartum depression is a common condition that many people confuse with fatigue and hormonal surges.
In mild forms, postpartum depression goes away on its own, but relatives need to give the young mother the opportunity to rest and take care of herself. Severe forms of postpartum depression can lead to sad stories, especially if relatives have a history of mental disorders.
Signs of postpartum depression:
- isolation, silence;
- constant desire to lie down and not move;
- sudden mood swings;
- sleep problems;
- feeling of anxiety;
- irritability;
- tearfulness;
- aggression towards other family members and the baby;
- lack of appetite.
You should immediately consult a psychotherapist if the behavior of a young mother causes anxiety. She may not realize now that she could harm herself or her baby, but she will regret it in the future if she does not get timely help.
What about hormones?
When you become a parent—biologically or otherwise—your brain chemistry changes. This doesn't just happen to the person giving birth.
, that is, with the biological mother.
In fact, research shows that fathers and stepparents also experience increased levels of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine during the transition to parenthood
. This change comes from the connecting actions between the teacher and the child. It also turned out that men and women are equally skilled at recognizing the cries of babies.
Researchers have found that the amount of time a parent spends with their child
, directly correlates with the ability to identify his cries.
But the gender of the parent has nothing to do with this
. This fact once again confirms the idea that maternal instinct is just a myth.
First meeting
The first meeting with a newly born baby always leaves a vivid impression, but sometimes it also puts parents in an awkward position. Most often, mom and dad imagine a smooth, pink and plump little one, but in reality a dirty, red, not very beautiful baby may appear in front of them. And, of course, in order to get rid of the picture of the ideal image of a newborn and happily accept your own baby, it will take time. But sometimes something happens at that moment when a child, wrapped in a swaddle, like a gift, is placed on the mother’s stomach, and she is captured by the warmth and tenderness that comes from nowhere. The baby will cry - and the woman will feel like a mother.
Fine tuning
By correctly perceiving the phenomenon of maternal instinct, every young mother can help herself tune in and strengthen its manifestations on her own.
1. Analyze your relationship with your own mother, the values of family and child. If you understand that you did not get positive ideas about the meaning of motherhood from interacting with your mother, you cannot understand your own motives for having a baby, or you feel insecure, it is better to solve these problems before the child is born. It may not be a bad idea to seek the help of a psychologist, because an adequate attitude to your personal history and timely resolution of psychological problems will help you find harmony with your inner world in the present and “allow” the maternal instinct to manifest itself.
2. Start playing “mother-daughter” during pregnancy. Don’t put off thinking about your baby until later, think more about what he will be like when he is born, dream about what you would like to do with him. You can even express your thoughts in a diary or depict them in a drawing. The more visual and material your idea of the child is, the more feelings you will be able to experience and the sooner the maternal instinct will awaken. Start making pleasant purchases, surrounding yourself with cute baby things, think through in advance the everyday issues associated with the appearance of a baby in your life. Such preparation will help you gradually tune in to motherhood and relieve you of unnecessary hassle and worries after childbirth.
3. Try to ensure that the process of childbirth and the postpartum period is as natural as possible. Maternal instinct is largely determined by the production of hormones during pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. But if childbirth was accompanied by increased stress, excessive pain, surgery or the use of medications, the natural hormonal balance may be disrupted. The same applies to breastfeeding, which in turn can slow down the emergence of the maternal instinct. Therefore, it is worth preparing for childbirth (both physically and psychologically), consciously approaching the choice of maternity hospital and doctor, putting the baby to the breast and feeling physical contact with him in the first minutes of his life. All this is necessary in order for the biological factor of maternal instinct to kick in faster.
4. Focus on the child and contact with him. Breastfeeding and co-sleeping are the best helpers in the development of maternal instinct. The special smell of a child, his warmth, look, appearance, peculiar sounds and defenselessness awaken in a woman the need to care and protect a small creature, and the baby’s responses to the mother’s activities are the desire to communicate with him and the pleasure of interaction. But to do this, you need to give yourself the opportunity to feel contact with the child: carry him in your arms, care for him yourself and watch him. The closer you are, the more you can feel the emotional connection.
5. Find helpers with household chores and learn to relax. It often happens that a young mother immediately after the maternity hospital is immersed in everyday problems, trying to do everything at once, and does not notice that she is in constant tension, already bordering on postpartum depression. Allow yourself to be just a mother and a happy woman for a while, try not to think about all sorts of things. The time will come for them, but for now they can be entrusted to loved ones. Be alone with yourself and your baby and let mutual affection awaken.
Maternal instinct does not come according to a schedule, it is not something innate and taken for granted for every woman. Of course, most expectant mothers have its prerequisites, but many factors influence when and to what extent it will manifest itself.
