On FrutoNyanya's Instagram account @frutonyanya_official, parents can discuss topics that concern them with specialists. In this material we have collected answers to questions given by child and adolescent psychologist Elena Mikhailovna Kravtsova during a large live broadcast. We hope they will help you understand how to act in a given situation and get lost less often.
Expert opinion
Elena Mikhailovna Kravtsova graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University. M.V. Lomonosov in 2001, and among her achievements are hundreds of articles and three co-authored books. Elena Mikhailovna does not stop there: training and advanced training, as well as mastering new work techniques, continues to this day. Consults parents, conducts individual and group lessons with children. According to her, raising her own children helps to be creative in her work, since there is nothing universal or immutable in child psychology.
What are children's whims and what is their nature?
This is a question for which there is no encyclopedic answer. All adults put different meanings into this word. In fact, parents are more often faced with a child’s violent emotional reaction to some undesirable events for him, calling it whining, hysterics, whims, which in fact it is not. The baby does not yet know how to express his desires and feelings in other ways. Much also depends on the child’s temperament: if he is easily excited, it is difficult for him to stop, then he will scream, fight, cry and stomp his feet more often than his peers. And this does not mean at all that the child is poorly brought up - it’s just that the processes of self-regulation in him have not yet matured. And this, of course, requires a lot of patience from parents.
Why is hysteria dangerous?
Surely, your “wise” neighbors have already told you: “It will pass with age!” But they did not say that with age, outbursts of aggression and hysterics go away only in those children whose parents were able to cope with them. If nothing is done about hysteria and “crazy” behavior, then they get worse with age, develop into very unpleasant character traits and remain with the child for life. Advanced neuroses lead to serious mental disorders, insomnia, loss of appetite, chronic fatigue, enuresis, loss of interest in life, nervous tics, etc.
What can provoke whims and whining?
Is there a classification of causes?
Here is the situation using the example of a children's sandbox. Another kid comes up to the child and takes the spatula. The reaction can be very different: one will scream, cry, hide behind his mother, and the other will show with all his appearance that he didn’t really want to and will start playing with something else. So these are exclusively individual reactions and it is impossible to create a single classification. Each parent can identify reasons for their child, and it is not a fact that he will guess right. Because violent emotional reactions arise for a combination of reasons, and not because one specific thing annoys the child. The child is tired, wants to sleep, but he was not allowed to do something interesting - he begins to cry and be capricious. And in a different mood, he can calmly take the ban.
Imagine: you come to the clinic, there is a line in front of the office, and the baby does not want to sit quietly in the corner and “make little people out of acorns.” He wants to run. And in this case it is impossible to limit the child’s physical activity, because this can provoke hysteria. Just get up and move around with your child.
Real "male" education
It should be very important for a boy to realize that he is a man. He must understand that he is strong, brave and kind, just like dad. At the age of 3, a boy begins to actively imitate his father; he should feel comfortable next to his dad. The mother should understand this peculiarity of the boy, giving men the opportunity to be together more often. They need to be given more space because they are more active. It is important not to lower the boy’s self-esteem; do not use negative epithets: “coward”, “weakling”.
You need to spend more time playing active games outside. A 3-year-old boy should be given more independence under vigilant parental supervision.
Boys are more likely to show obstinacy and self-will
A mother can teach her child to open the door, help him carry a bag of groceries from the store, or perform simple tasks; the baby will be happy with these innovations. It's nice to be useful and needed.
A little advice for mom: in order to cultivate in a boy the qualities inherent in a man, you sometimes need to pretend to be weak and helpless so that the child expresses himself.
Is it possible to indulge whims?
What should a parent do if a child begins to act up?
Let's consider another example: the baby says that he doesn’t want to go home, but wants to go for a walk. And what should you do: do what the child wants or gently lead him to your decision? There are already some universal rules for such a situation. An adult is responsible for the daily routine, compliance with routine tasks, the number of cartoons watched, and the like. The child cannot control this. What to do? Warn the child in advance: “We’re leaving in five minutes,” “This is the last episode. In five minutes we turn off the cartoons.”
It is important not to cancel an important prohibition because of the child’s emotional reaction, otherwise the child will form a habit of responding to your restrictions with tears. And if a child over 4 years old lies down on the floor and starts screaming, then this already indicates errors in upbringing or neurological characteristics, and it’s time to seek advice from a psychologist or neurologist.
There should be a minimum number of prohibitions in a child’s life. Only that which is truly harmful to him or brings harm to others is prohibited.
Should parents stand their ground until the end?
It is almost impossible to come to an agreement with a small child under three years old. Children are situational. For a child, the strongest feeling is the immediate “I want.” Therefore, if you are sure of the correctness of your ban, then do not cancel it, even if the child screams and stomps his feet.
Use a parental trick when you can switch the child’s attention to another activity: put the bear to sleep, call the child to talk and discuss the cartoon.
How to react to hysteria?
The most correct thing is to temporarily stop interacting with the child. But if the baby runs after you and grabs your leg, then do not push him away, but give him the opportunity to calm down. Afterwards, take pity on him, hug him, tell him that you love him and are very glad that he stopped screaming.
If you go to some place where good behavior is required from your child, think in advance what will help you with this (books and toys, things interesting for the baby, a snack, the opportunity to get up from your seat sometimes, and so on).
Does a small whim always turn into hysteria?
There is no universal answer to this. Most likely not, that is, not every whim will develop into hysteria. Sometimes whining is a common way of communicating with adults, but the baby is not that upset. In addition, as children grow up, they understand where they can and cannot make demands and be capricious.
At what age can the first whim occur?
It is important to understand that if a baby under one year old cries and screams, then these are not whims. This means that something went wrong, the baby is experiencing discomfort and it is important to respond to his need. After a year and up to 6-7 years, the child’s ability to self-regulate develops, that is, he learns to understand and restrain his own emotions. There are especially many whims in children who do not yet know how to speak - they are not able to express their desires and sorrows in words.
Is it possible to predict the temperament and character of a child at an early age?
Temperament is an innate characteristic. A child can only learn to control his behavior. And character is formed on the basis of temperament and is associated with the conditions of upbringing, living, and behavior patterns in the family. It is possible to make some forecasts, but this is a very long process.
The child hits his head against the wall and hits his parents. What should I do?
The biggest trouble for a child is being ignored. No matter how painful it may be for you to hear your child banging his head, don’t give in. If possible, distract him with an interesting activity. But don’t focus on his behavior in any way. If the switch doesn’t work out, just wait.
And if a child swings at you, hold your hand and say out loud: “I understand that you are angry, but you can’t hit anyone.” Under no circumstances return blow to blow, otherwise this behavior will become ingrained in the child.
How to teach a toddler and older child to express their emotions differently?
Firstly, say it out loud and your emotions, both positive and negative. Secondly, it is important to be an example of restrained and constructive behavior for your child. Thirdly, in the development of emotional intelligence, children 3-4 years old are helped by playing with plush toys, when you act out different scenes: for example, a bear cub and a bunny quarreled, the bunny fights, they tell him: “Don’t fight!” The little bear understands everything and forgives the bunny for his reaction, but the little bunny doesn’t fight anymore. It is not necessary to draw instructive conclusions from this: “Here you behave like this.” The child's psyche very easily appropriates schemes that play with them, but this has a cumulative effect. So be patient, have a positive attitude, and your child will definitely learn.
In this article we wrote about what emotional intelligence is and how to develop it in a child.
What is recommended for emotional children?
Try to have some kind of angry pillow at home and tell your child that you can scream at it or hit it when you are angry. You can teach a child in those moments when he is angry to stomp his feet, scream, and moo. Your task is to show your child that it is normal to be angry, cry and protest. But you can’t harm someone. It’s bad when a child is forced to endure, is not allowed to cry and feel his emotions.
How to respond to the whims of an older child caused by jealousy of a younger one?
- Why do you feed him with a spoon, but not me? I want too!
In such a situation, we are not talking about whims.
This is called regression. This is a normal phenomenon when an older child sees that everyone is spinning around the baby and he also wants to be the center of attention. It is much more effective not to explain to the child that he is already big, but, on the contrary, to indulge his desire. Say: “You are my little one, let me spoon feed you.” Feed. Buy a pacifier if the child asks. The child will get tired of it very quickly. We've played and that's enough. Often the conditions for jealousy are created by the parents themselves, canceling the childhood of the older one because the younger one was born. It is important not only to give all children an equal amount of attention, but also to allow the eldest to remain a child.
Little stubborn guy
Negativism is a characteristic feature of the 3-year-old crisis. This attitude is expressed towards the requests of the adult and his personal person. Often, this attitude of a child manifests itself only towards one family member, while he obeys others. This trait also appears so that a 3-year-old child can force his parents to fulfill his demands by demonstrating his power through aggression.
3 year crisis - symptoms
Raising a child from the age of 3 proceeds differently in different families. Some parents also begin to react extremely negatively to the antics of their grown-up child, trying to show the little manipulator his place. They use pressure and physical force. In other families, obedience to the child is customary; every demand is fulfilled there, as long as he does not bother his parents over trifles. Here it is important to find a middle ground in order to direct education in the right direction.
Hysteria at 3 years old - a way to express your opinion
There are the following useful tips for parents raising a 3-year-old child:
- It is important to be patient and assess each situation as soberly as possible. You need to understand the baby’s feelings, skillfully using his whims against him. For example, if a child refuses to put toys away, deftly scattering them on the floor, then you can ask him never to collect them again.
- All prohibitions, strict requirements, and whims have low effectiveness, so you need to switch the child’s attention to an activity that is more exciting and interesting for him.
- You shouldn’t react too violently to a boy’s hysterical attacks. You should not indulge any child’s desire, which is followed by a series of hysterics. Otherwise, a 3-year-old child may develop the habit of starting a tantrum for any reason. You can easily divert the attention of a hysterical boy to an interesting thing or toy.
- Raising a 3-year-old child should be completely the same; dad should not allow the child to do what mom forbade, and, on the contrary, these rules especially need to be clearly explained to the kindest grandparents.
- A boy and a girl need to be raised in an atmosphere of love and sincerely praised for good deeds. And if a child suddenly stumbles and does the wrong thing, you need to explain why you shouldn’t do that.
Manifestations of protest at 3 years old
He's in pain
From birth, babies experience different types of pain. Painful sensations arise for various reasons and have different character and intensity. The most common type of pain in infants is intestinal colic.
Signs of colic:
- the child is screaming;
- his face turns red, droplets of sweat may appear;
- kicks his legs a lot;
- has digestive problems (constipation, regurgitation);
- The child is restless and does not sleep well.
Attacks can be repeated several times a day, but more often this happens after evening feeding and lasts from 30 minutes to several hours. As a rule, intestinal colic is not associated with pathological changes in the child’s body, but in any case, you should consult a pediatrician about this.
Help for intestinal colic is usually comprehensive. This may include:
- correction of maternal nutrition;
- drug therapy for the baby (if necessary, the doctor prescribes prebiotics, adsorbents, carminatives);
- warm baths;
- placing the baby on the tummy;
- light abdominal massage;
- Carrying in the arms in an upright position after feeding.
It is important to understand that colic is a problem that occurs only in infants (at 1, 2 months); by 4-5 months, painful attacks disappear. If acute attacks of abdominal pain occur in a one-year-old child, then we may be talking about a serious pathology that requires immediate diagnosis and treatment.
Children react no less acutely to ear pain. This may be otitis media, which often develops without any signs of a cold, or the formation of cerumen. The baby appears to be absolutely healthy, there is no runny nose, the temperature is normal, but from time to time he screams sharply, shakes his head, suddenly starts crying during feeding, and then refuses to eat altogether. If you notice such changes in your baby's behavior, you need to make an appointment with an otolaryngologist.
Responsive to weather
Weather sensitivity is normal for young children. This is the reaction of the autonomic nervous system to changing weather conditions. A child can react both to a sudden change in weather and to a prolonged series of cloudy days.
As the child’s nervous system develops and strengthens, his weather dependence decreases. However, in the case of a weakened ANS, the problem of meteosensitivity may worsen with age, and reactions will manifest themselves not only against the background of changing weather conditions, but also against the background of stress.
To reduce the influence of weather on a child’s well-being, you need to train his nervous system, strengthen blood vessels, and harden the child’s body. The best help with this is:
- daily walks in the fresh air in any weather;
- health-improving gymnastics.
Switching attention
As for young children, switching attention is also a fairly powerful means of controlling their behavior. Young children are extremely easy to get excited about something new. Thanks to this, you can keep them busy with something exciting and avoid unpleasant scenes in 95% of cases.
As I already said, small children can weave any kind of fables and they always believe in them. Simply fantastic! Plus, redirecting children's attention is just fun and interesting. The easiest way to do this is in a playful way. If you yourself are terribly bored and uninterested, then most likely the trick will not work. Fun is contagious. The boundaries of this technique have not yet been studied. Every day, parents all over the world come up with more and more new forms of switching attention, achieving results that they had never dreamed of before.
It is worth admitting, however, that switching attention is not easy for some. People somehow internally resist this. But once you get used to using this technique, life will become easier and more fun. If you're having trouble grasping the concept of attention shifting, I suggest looking at some examples.
It is necessary to prohibit in moderation
In the process of hysteria, very often everything comes down to parental prohibitions. The child wants to do something or go somewhere, but the parents forbid it. Yes, it may not be easy, but it is necessary to introduce psychological prohibitions into raising a child. It is important to understand that parents prohibit something because they want to protect the child. They allow the baby to feel cared for, calm down and develop discipline.
Read more: How to raise children to be friendly?
True, today the following very often happens - parents who grew up in strictness, and had a lot of prohibitions in their childhood, abandon this practice. The child is allowed absolutely everything. They say that in this way it is possible to raise a person who is free and independent of anyone. Such adults simply do not understand that this is how the child’s psyche is damaged, and in the future they will have to re-educate the spoiled child.
Clear boundaries and rules are important for children at this age - this is how they feel safe. And education without prohibitions can make preschool children capricious and infantile: they will resort to manipulation and provocation and are unlikely to be able to adequately communicate with other children in kindergarten or school.
There is another extreme - relatives go too far and forbid the child a lot. Walk only by hand, you can’t run - you’ll fall, you can’t jump - you’ll break your leg, don’t sit on the sand - you’ll catch a cold, we won’t take toys - other people’s children will take them, and so on. Such children grow up modest, indecisive, quiet; It will be difficult for them to stand up for themselves and they will need constant approval from their parents before every action.
It is still necessary to strive for the golden mean. Before you forbid something, clearly explain to your child why you are doing this and what consequences his disobedience may lead to. If you talk to a child at this age, then by the age of 5 he will already know what he should do in a given situation. And at the age of 6, he will even teach his classmates to do as his parents explained to him. The child adopts your behavior model, so learn to be an ideal role model.
Sick (infectious diseases)
If a child constantly cries, has become passive, or has a poor appetite, then the likely cause of this behavior is the development of an infection in the body.
In this case, it is necessary to monitor the general condition of the baby so as not to miss the symptoms of a cold:
- temperature increase;
- redness of the throat;
- nasal congestion;
- cough.
How to react if a child gets sick? You need to take the baby in your arms and calm him down. Regarding treatment, you need to consult a doctor - call a doctor at home or make an appointment with a pediatrician.
Little princesses
A girl, unlike a boy, develops more intensively, her feelings and emotions become more acute. It’s easier to contact girls, but here you need to take into account their cunning. Her mother is an ideal and example for the girl; together they find many topics to talk about - discussing doll outfits, recipes for delicious baked goods, caring for indoor flowers. The role of the father in raising his daughter is to positively influence her communication with the opposite sex. It is necessary to constantly monitor the daughter’s aspirations and capabilities and promote her maximum development.
Stubbornness - how it manifests itself
Offended beauty
Parental education is a significant contribution to the development of their child; the character and attitude towards the world around them depends on this contribution.
And if you don’t start seriously raising a child from the age of 3 and after this period, otherwise there is always a chance of completely ruining your child. In any case, children should be raised in a full-fledged family, where love and harmony reign. The daughter must prepare for the future role of a mother, and see her loved one in the role of a father, and if there is no man in the family, then such a situation can be inherited. Rejection of a spouse and divorce are problems that have their roots in early childhood. You need to find your own unique key for the girl, which will help open her heart to her parents, because trust in the family is the main thing.
Negativism is the main manifestation of the 3-year crisis
