Cast aside your fears
This is an important decision that can help not only men, but also women. While the latter may most often be embarrassed by their body, others overly fixate their attention on their own potency. Due to the fact that men are overly focused on their sexual strengths, psychological problems can arise. Anxiety and uncertainty are the path to hectic movements, lack of rhythm and rapid sexual intercourse. The end of sex is perceived as freedom and an opportunity to return to calm. This approach makes the process boring, ineffective and even unattractive. Erection problems and the inability to give a woman full pleasure are the results of being in fear, which urgently needs to be gotten rid of.
Symptoms and treatment
There are times when an adult is simply not ready at a certain stage of his life to take the initiative and start a family or at least a permanent partner. This does not mean that he has a phobia of love and sexual relationships.
Philophobia is characterized by a range of symptoms: constant irritability, short temper and nervousness, insomnia or other sleep problems, combined with bad mood and fear of losing freedom. Proven methods of psychology and psychotherapy will help overcome such symptoms, as well as male and female fears of sexual contact. Therefore, if at some stage of life, for example, after a divorce or breakup, you notice similar symptoms in combination with the fear of starting a new relationship, it is better to immediately consult a specialist. A person suffering from a love disorder talks about wanting to start a family, but prefers to limit himself to light flirting and short sexual contacts without commitment. He suddenly stops taking care of himself or, on the contrary, buys a gym membership and goes on a diet to get rid of figure flaws.
If a philophobe realizes that he has a fear of love, but he does not want to change habits and give up freedom, then the person needs treatment. Patients with psychologically related childhood trauma should see a therapist, as should survivors of abuse. Negative memories and emotions must first be spoken out, and then gradually get rid of this burden.
It is useful for people with low self-esteem to pay attention to themselves and constantly develop: read books, study languages, sign up for dancing, or find another hobby that will make them feel important. You can overcome the negative psychological consequences of divorce, fear of love and kisses in group or individual classes
In severe cases, sedatives, antidepressants or tranquilizers will help. Only a specialist can prescribe pharmacological treatment, who must determine the person’s condition and how much the fear of relationships interferes with normal life.
You can achieve good results with the help of auto-training, which will teach you to look at others and your problems with optimism, to love and value yourself. Sometimes, to overcome the subconscious fear of love, it is enough to meet new people, move or find another job to improve your emotional state and become more open. A problem such as philophobia can be treated well, but only if a person himself wants to get rid of it and is ready to open his heart to his soulmate.
Talk about it
Communication is one of the most important aspects of bonding. Therefore, you should not keep anything to yourself. Instead, don't be afraid to express emotions and talk about your fantasies and preferences. A big mistake is not discussing your sex with your partner or discussing it in the form of complaints. It is important to share your thoughts with each other calmly, kindly, and in a comfortable environment. Say what you want, how you want it. Maybe, even in some flirtatious form, it’s worth sharing your wishes and making them come true.
The Second World War
Coldness spread across the world like a plague, leaving only the battlefields untouched, where no one could remain indifferent. Battles claimed lives every day, so the relationships between men at the front formed strong and emotional. Mostly representatives of the stronger sex took part in hostilities, which created a real male brotherhood. The soldiers never left their friends and were ready to die to save them.
In the 19th century, special organizations were created to provide psychological assistance to all participants in hostilities. Even the support of friends could not compensate for the monstrous psychological stress that the front-line soldiers faced. The experience changed people, distorted ideas about normal and abnormal. Men who came back from the war found it difficult to fit into civilian life.
Close relationships are always risky
Can close relationships be somehow dangerous? I don't mean here what is called "promiscuity."
Elena Stankovskaya: Close relationships are always risky. They are fraught with the pain of loss. Because if we enter into intimacy, then the other person becomes part of our life, and losing him means losing a part of ourselves. That's why they say that intimacy is built on mutual trust and willingness to take the risk of rejection, misunderstanding, betrayal and loss.
In your lectures you say that close relationships require an emotional response. Which one? It can be both positive and negative. Or are both important?
Elena Stankovskaya: A careful emotional response is important. Because intimacy is an exchange of emotions. And when we trust another person with our tastes, fears, desires, dreams, thoughts, discoveries, we want empathy. And it hurts us if the answer is indifference. There is modern neurobiological research that shows that the lack of a safe emotional response is equivalent to physical pain. “It hurts me when people don’t hear me” - this phrase should be taken literally. Ideally, we need a fair response, correlated with our ability to accept this response. It shouldn't be a carrot, but it shouldn't be a stick either. What is a fair response? It is a response that matches the inner truth of the other person. How to present this truth is what is called emotional literacy, the ability to express it so that another person can more easily understand and accept it. One of the modern researchers of intimacy says: remove tenderness from intimacy, and you get cruelty. And in this sense, we need tenderness, we need mercy towards others. Although fair negative feedback is also useful. He shows how we shouldn’t be treated, often - that relationships are important to us.
Formation of modern representation
The difficult events of the 20th century did not bypass the warm relations between men, which changed to cool and distant. Restraint began to be consolidated at the legislative level. Accusations of homosexuality reached the point of absurdity. Testimonies were given by third parties who only assumed an intimate relationship between two people, but did not have proper evidence. The once free society was brought into fear.
It now seemed wrong for young people to hug when meeting, or to demonstrate any physical contact. In many countries, same-sex relationships were condemned, often resulting in arrest. This was explained by the fact that intimate relations contradicted the biblical covenants, homosexuality was considered a disease, a form of deviant behavior.
The Industrial Revolution and ideas such as Social Darwinism changed people's views. It has become “unfashionable” to sympathize, help, and show respect. This means that the opportunity to find a potential colleague or friend has dropped to almost zero. The man’s goal was to win in everything; his comrades suddenly turned into competitors who needed to be bypassed in order to take the best place in the sun. Of course, this does not mean that men have stopped being friends. But warm relations between people have lost the status of a social norm.
Detachment and cynicism have become commonplace. With the increase in the level of mobility in the 20th century, the search for one's own benefit came to the fore, and friendly relationships became unimportant. It's hard to find a true friend when you have to compete with each other and make sure that the job is done better than everyone else.
Influenced relationships between men and technological progress. People began to have more free time, and after industrialization, the male category of the population began to play sports more often and take part in outdoor activities. Then new opportunities for communication appeared: golf courses, the front yard and a team workspace. The usual emotionality and attachment to another person was now built not on a mental union, but within the framework of professional activity.
Sex is not work
Sometimes for partners in sex, only the result is important - their own satisfaction and the satisfaction of their partner. The desire for this can be perceived as work activity that requires the achievement of a fictitious indicator. Under these conditions, a man cannot simply have fun, relax and completely surrender to the process. His thoughts are focused on one thing - how to show and prove what he is capable of. He needs to satisfy his partner. Only after this will he consider himself a hero and sex as successful. This attitude does not bring satisfaction, but, on the contrary, neuroticizes the man and scares away the woman. Because of such tension, the other half begins to get irritated, look for flaws in themselves, or think that the partner is not suitable for her.
Nice atmosphere
You can give pleasure to your partner through the environment. If there is an atmosphere of calm and a positive attitude around your loved one, then the pleasure of intimacy itself will increase. Many people neglect external and internal adjustments to intimacy. They cannot find time to prepare, to create conditions and interesting scenery. They do not care about adjusting their thoughts and emotions to the upcoming intimacy. Therefore, during the process itself, thoughts are directed anywhere, but not where they need to be. There is not what is needed in the head, and accordingly, there are no bright emotions from intimacy.
Spiritual level of intimacy
This is the highest level of relationship. If you have achieved it, it means that all other stages have been completed successfully. You feel good sexually, you subtly feel your partner’s desires. Listen with interest to what your lover says, support him in all matters. And you are not afraid that your idyll will be disrupted by any difficulties, because you know that you can always rely on your companion. Just like he is on you.
Figuratively speaking, it's like being married to a friend. You are sure that you can trust him as you trust yourself. The basis of such relationships is devotion. On your part, the chosen one feels care and gratitude. You feed him with your energy, and he is ready to try for you. In this case, the spiritual connection between a man and a woman is so strong that it seems as if the possibilities of each partner are limitless.
Do you want to reach this level of relationship? I hasten to please you - this is quite real. Yes, you have to try and show your best qualities. How to do this competently, without resorting to any manipulation? I talk about this at the course “The Art of Female Flirting,” organized by the Pavel Rakov Training Center. In the meantime, you can start with the brief recommendations that I give in the “Love and Sex” section.
Girls, share your experience. Have you managed to build a relationship that is ideal on all levels?
Attachment can be insecure
What is dangerous attachment? The heartfelt affection of two people for each other looks idyllic from the outside, but in reality it can be selfish, demanding, on the verge of emotional terror. And then this attachment becomes burdensome for both parties, doesn't it?
Elena Stankovskaya: This is one of the options for what is an insecure attachment. Most often, this is due to an anxious type of attachment. This is when I feel that I cannot survive without another, and therefore I allow him to abuse me. There are also mutually destructive relationships where partners cause a lot of pain to each other, experiment with each other's boundaries and destroy intimacy. This suggests that a secure attachment has not been formed. But if it exists, then close relationships are always beneficial. They relieve many psychological problems. In addition, there is an “avoidant” type of attachment, when people avoid relationships and live alone. And they try not to allow another to be significant to them. Some people feel fine, while others develop symptoms of anxiety and depression. Even if you are an avoidantly attached person, what you really need is attachment. You need a relationship, you need someone to whom you will tell about how you don’t need a relationship.
What does an neglected phobia lead to?
To be loved and to love is a natural human need
This is important for full and comprehensive self-realization and finding harmony. Denial and avoidance do not make the patient happy; the pain of the past does not subside
Most philophobes deny this; they create their own individual world in which they are comfortable and safe.
The inability to build trusting relationships also affects the sphere of friendships. Along with this comes the awareness of uselessness, unhappiness, and loneliness. And casual acquaintances and superficial communication further enhance the feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness of life.
Unbreakable shackles of the past
In ancient times, the psychology of relationships between men was considered special. Such communication was considered ideal, arising at the mental level. At the same time, historians also emphasize spiritual closeness and communication without words. Strong friendship was compared to a high relationship that goes beyond the usual understanding, and was placed one step higher than marital love for a woman. The Hellenes believed that girls were not able to fully understand people of the opposite sex, which is why such a union was mentally considered inferior.
Aristotle and other philosophers extolled the virtues of platonic feelings—an emotional connection without sexual intimacy. The Greeks considered relationships between men almost ideal.
During this period, the idea of heroic friendship was formed. It meant an intense emotional or intellectual union between people of the same sex. Examples of this type of relationship are recorded in many texts, ranging from the Bible (David and Jonathan) to ancient Greek legends.
The strong male friendship is reflected in the colossal level of understanding between Achilles and Patroclus. They fought together in the Trojan War and had a truly close relationship. When Hector killed Patroclus, Achilles was beside himself with grief for several days. He smeared his body with ashes and completely refused to take any food into his chambers. After the funeral, the warrior, filled with powerful rage, took to the battlefield to avenge the death of his best friend.
The image of Achilles and Patroclus occupied an important place in history. When Alexander the Great and his comrade Hephaestion passed through Troy, their army stopped in front of the tomb of two heroes of legend, showing respect for the unbreakable spiritual connection.
