Betrayal - what is it, 5 basic steps, how to survive

One of the most bitter experiences in life is betrayal. Betrayal is serious because it destroys faith in something or someone, and without confidence there can be no strong relationships. Hence the main problem of betrayal is the loss of trust between people. Without trust, society, families, institutions and, of course, marriage cannot function. Betrayal shakes a person to the core because it destroys his ability to trust. But how to survive the betrayal of a loved one? How to communicate with a traitor? What to do if you are betrayed? Let's talk together about betrayal in this article.

Betrayal by a loved one is a serious trauma and stress for any person.

What is betrayal - Definitions and explanations

Betrayal is perhaps the most devastating loss a person can experience. Please note that I use the term “loss” to describe the consequences of betrayal. In our society, we have a hard time understanding the concepts of “loss” and “grief.” We understand that when someone dies, we experience loss and grief, but often we don't acknowledge the other forms of loss we may experience in life.

The loss may be caused by the death of a person. However, it may also be the loss of a part of this person, for example, as a result of illness. For example, when one spouse develops Alzheimer's disease, the healthy spouse may experience a loss of companionship or emotional support.

Loss can also be related to less tangible things such as trust. When a person is betrayed by someone, he loses trust in that person. When we trust another person, we believe that he will not harm us. When he hurts us, we realize that this person is capable of hurting us. Thus, we have lost something very important for the relationship.

In simple words, betrayal is a deliberate and conscious violation by a person of communication or an oath, which is accompanied by a violation of socially accepted norms and rules of behavior that does not cause the person who violated these guidelines to feel guilty (more often, the person denies what he did).

A person who breaks a duty or promise is called a traitor. Moreover, the actions of a traitor can be directed both at one person and at a group of people.

Psychological definition

In psychology, the concept of betrayal is revealed from a more scientific point of view. Thus, according to existing books and sources, betrayal means the consequences of free choice, which manifests itself in betrayal of oneself, a loved one, a family member and other social groups.

At the same time, the person himself who has changed his life attitudes is called a traitor. It is important to understand that even if betrayal occurred in relation to another person, the traitor also betrays himself, since he breaks the oaths and promises he made himself. For example, if a wife cheats on her husband, then she cheats on herself.

The theme of betrayal is revealed not only in our lives, but also in culture and religion. If we look at the contents of many religious books, it becomes obvious that the most terrible sin is betrayal of oneself, betrayal of a loved one, betrayal of faith.

Deep betrayal in a relationship is hard for anyone to experience.

What is the difference between betrayal and treason

Cheating is a personal concept that is interpreted differently for everyone. For some, it’s looking at another girl/man on the street, liking a photo, or physical betrayal in the form of a kiss or sexual intercourse. Usually this only applies to love relationships. But it can also describe high treason, when a person deliberately sells the interests of his country to other states. Betrayal is a broader concept. You can betray a person's trust and hope in your relationship together.

The criterion for distinguishing these concepts is the principle of “general and particular”. Betrayal has a broader meaning - it can include treason, violation of an obligation or promise, or deception. Whereas betrayal is something that occurs among partners, which is due to the fact that the cheater builds contacts and connections of a romantic nature with another person. Therefore, treason is a subtype of betrayal.

The man cheated - what next?

There are three stages by which you can understand what awaits a woman after the betrayal of a loved one and how to behave.

The first stage is bewilderment and shock

The woman experiences complete stupor, confusion, or, on the contrary, hysteria. She feels piercing pain, emotions literally overwhelm her. The whole world is collapsing overnight. The deceived wife has an unstable mood. She vividly expresses hatred, aggression, despair, but pleasant memories can evoke in her love and tenderness for the cheater.

The first stage usually lasts from 7 to 14 days. The main goal at this stage is to survive the state of shock. It is not recommended to make quick decisions or take rash actions, as they will be made under the influence of the stress hormone. During this period, a woman cannot think objectively. Gradually you need to collect more information about the betrayal.

You should read articles by psychologists, books, forums, and the opinions of women who have experienced betrayal. They will help restore the ability to think sensibly and assess the situation. Other people's stories help reduce dramatization.

It is not recommended to stay alone for a long time. This does not mean that you need to constantly discuss your husband’s infidelity with all your relatives and friends. It is enough that there is a close person in the room who will not interfere with advice, but will support with neutral communication. If he is not nearby, then you can contact a psychologist.

It is strictly forbidden to dwell on your problem and pain, or blame your husband or yourself for what happened.

Second stage - reboot

The first emotions of anger and resentment passed like a thunderstorm. Now you should carefully analyze the words and actions spoken, and understand the scale of destruction. The second stage is considered not only painful, but also responsible. It is during this period that you need to decide what will happen next. It can last from 30 days to 6 months.

You shouldn’t engage in self-flagellation and endlessly scroll through your head about thoughts of betrayal. It is better to take a notebook and write down in it in the form of abstracts all the mistakes that you should try to avoid in the future. It is necessary to try to understand the man’s behavior, what prompted him to take a desperate step. You definitely need to talk to him, find out whether he repents, whether he admitted his mistakes and whether he intends to correct them.

It is useful to meditate, do yoga, and spend more time in nature during this period. If you want to save your family, you should be interested in your spouse’s hobbies and try to spend more time together. If the cheater is sincerely repentant, perhaps he should be given a chance.

The third stage is the recovery period

The pain is no longer as acute as it was at first, but rather lingering and pressing from the inside. If you don’t calm her down, the woman can withdraw into herself for a long time. During this period, it is better for her to spend more time with her friends and get used to her new life.

It can last from 2 weeks to several years. It all depends on how much effort a woman and a man make to save the family.

If she broke up with her husband, then she should avoid articles, books and stories from friends about infidelity, and do not watch thematic films. A woman needs to focus on her self-esteem and change herself for the better.

These could be new habits, non-standard makeup, new clothes, haircut or coloring, a new manner of communication. To get out of stress, you need to completely abandon the memories of betrayal. When you wake up in the morning, your main goal should be to maintain a great mood for the whole day.

You can learn more about how to survive betrayal and save your family in the video:

Is it true that everyone betrays

I dare say yes. At least once in his life, a person will commit betrayal for the benefit of his own comfort. Sometimes this happens completely unconsciously and thoughtlessly. But if you have a healthy psyche and a bright mind, you are friends with people not for profit, then cases of betrayal are reduced to a minimum. After all, you can betray not only a living being, but your faith, religion, and country. Don't think that by betraying you automatically become a bad person. On the contrary, analyze all your weaknesses and motive for action. You shouldn’t put the stigma on yourself that “people don’t change.” This will make your inner core thicker and you will no longer give in to such disgusting actions.

In fact, the person who betrayed thinks about what he did at least once. Here it is important for the traitor to realize the consequences of his actions and work through this issue.

Every person has had a treacherous act at least once in their life.

Looking to the essence i

What are the main reasons for cheating? Banal boredom. Some people do not find satisfaction from communicating with their soulmate, others cannot get enough of love games. Be that as it may, the result is obvious - a turning point comes when you can no longer endure it. And then the only solution is to go to the side.

Some do it spontaneously, without feeling awkward or wrong in their actions. Others plan an entire operation and carefully search for candidates. Regardless of the approach, people often feel relieved after committing infidelity. And in this case, there is simply no room left for conscientious torment.

But there are also moments when sex on the side turns out to be accidental. Under the influence of strong emotions (resentment, for example) or alcohol, many jump into the arms of the first person they meet. And then they regret it terribly. Here you need to decide for yourself - is there any damage to your reputation, has your betrayal become public knowledge?

If the answer is no, then you can calm down. And if you are going to continue to build your permanent relationship, then everything secret should remain secret. Many will agree with this, because a simple accident, a mistake, can cancel out a lot of good things. However, if you are determined to break up, then there is no better reason. Tell everything honestly and be prepared for lectures. You can’t go anywhere without this, but your soul will be at peace.

Where can betrayal occur?

Betrayal is a special act of violating life’s attitudes, according to some, even treachery. Such phenomena are widespread everywhere. Let's look at the most relevant and obvious examples of betrayal in our lives:

Love Bond - When you enter into a relationship with your partner, you make a kind of promise that you will love each other forever. This always happens by the mutual will of the two parties and the promise is based on the mutual trust of the partners. But, unfortunately, there are also cases of broken love promises. If someone cheats for personal gain or for evil, then there can no longer be any question of trust in such a relationship. The betrayer in the eyes of the other half becomes an empty place and an offender;
Friendship relationships - how can you betray a friend if you become the closest people to each other? Sometimes they trust their deepest secrets to friends because they are sure that they will find support in them and not condemnation, as can happen in a family. When a complete stranger becomes practically a member of the family, betrayal on his part sticks like a knife in the back. Again, deliberate betrayal due to misunderstandings, envy and stupidity can lead to unfortunate events. Most likely, a person will no longer be able to trust his former friend, since he will always be ready for disappointment;
Family ties - it happens that some relatives live richer than others and completely forget about their relatives, who may need their help. This may sound mercantile, but help is not only about material benefits. You can give away things and shoes that you no longer wear. But most of these relatives prefer to simply forget about the existence of their relatives and retire to their small family. Or adult children, when they grow up, completely forget about their elderly parents and do not help them in any way.
Work – at work it’s every man for himself and it’s very rare to meet those who find close people. Always be alert and remember that everyone is looking for financial gain for themselves and they do not care how they achieve it.
High treason is another type of betrayal. Traitors to the homeland reveal state secrets, the country's impending plans in order to make it more vulnerable to rival countries.

We write a lot about different types of relationships between people and about psychological trauma. I would like to note that domestic violence, the topic of which is most relevant now, is always accompanied by betrayal. For example, a child is betrayed by his parent when he raises his hand to his child or uses other forms of violence.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving betrayal is not an easy step. Accepting and understanding the action will help you heal from trauma, understand yourself, and restore self-esteem. It is important not to confuse forgiveness with a desperate desire to save a dying relationship.

The best option is to break up, but without anger or resentment towards your ex.

These feelings poison life, interfere with the formation of new relationships, and constantly remind you of the fact of betrayal, so you need to get rid of them.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Tips to help you forgive and survive betrayal:

Accept betrayal as a fait accompli. To sincerely forgive your partner, you need to stop looking for excuses and hope that the relationship will incredibly return to its previous course. Instead, a person should come to terms with the act and understand whether he is ready for forgiveness.
Don't hide your feelings. A frank conversation with the offender will help not only to understand the reasons for what happened, but also to ease the pain and gain emotional release. After hearing the traitor's version of events, a person will more easily understand the motives of his actions.
Refuse to play the victim. Cheating is a serious offense that cannot be justified, but two people are responsible for any discord in a relationship. To forgive a partner, a person needs to analyze his own actions, admit his part of the guilt (but without self-flagellation and removing responsibility from the traitor).
Move away. Distance yourself from the traitor, stop thinking about him, emotionally invest in other people - children, parents, friends, a new passion. Then the pain from betrayal will subside, attachment to the “criminal” will disappear, and it will become easier to forgive him.

Forgiveness should not be forced - it must come from the soul. If a person does not want or cannot stop blaming his partner for this act, he should also come to terms with this.

The easiest way is to forgive your own betrayal.
More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.
© Kristina Kofta

Why do people betray

Betrayal can be caused by many reasons, including jealousy, greed, power and fear. These reasons can push people, even people as close as family, to act against you for their own personal reasons, even if it hurts you. Stories of betrayal go back to the beginning of humankind. Regardless of the reasons, one thing is clear: the act of betrayal has consequences for both parties.

Self-love

Selfishness is one of the most distinctive qualities of traitors. Obsession with oneself and one's own benefit can sometimes be destructive. As long as they are comfortable communicating with you, they will smile in your face, even provide basic support if they know for sure that they can take advantage of you in the future. As soon as he receives everything that his soul required, such a person will leave without caring about your feelings. This manifestation of self-esteem is directly related to the characteristic of a person - hypocrisy.

Mental weakness

Cowardly, irresponsible and cowardly people most often betray people because they live according to the principle of simplicity. Because of their weakness, they solve their problems in life in the easiest ways, since they cannot keep promises and seek more honest and moral solutions to problems. Their most important argument is “this is how the circumstances developed, I could not influence them in any way.” Finding excuses and excuses is their favorite pastime. Because of the fear of not being realized in life, they leave at the expense of strong people, undermining their psychological and mental state.

Many traitors commit breaches of trust due to their own cowardice

Out of stupidity

As the well-known saying goes: “Measure seven times, cut once.” It’s the same in life. Think several times before taking any action. One wrong step can radically change someone's life. Due to your stupidity, your actions can cause severe pain without noticing it.

Where does meanness show up?

Alas, you can encounter betrayal at every step. Mean people are around us all the time. You can get a stab in the back at any moment from a person from whom you did not expect this at all: betrayal from a loved one, relative, work colleague, best friend, and so on.

In family life

If you've ever felt betrayed by a family member, you're not alone. In fact, most people feel betrayed by their family at some point in their lives. When your family betrays you, it can be especially painful because, according to most typical expectations, these are the people we can trust the most.

Some of the most common family betrayals that people experience are:

Infidelity

Gossip

Theft

Condemnation

Lie

Humiliation

Judging by these examples of family betrayal, it can be said that some of them are more destructive to the human psyche than others. However, any betrayal of trust destroys the foundation of any relationship.

A lie told with an honest face, looking you in the eye, is the end of trust, and it hurts. When your brother says nasty things about you behind your back, this is the kind of betrayal that is difficult to forgive. If your partner breaks the marital vow, such as your husband cheating on you, it can be a betrayal that ends the relationship.

In friendship

Betrayal from a friend is many times more offensive given the fact that friends are often considered closer than family. Because of envy of success, material wealth, beauty and status. Ingratiating themselves with someone and then wiping their feet on a person is easy for them. But it may also be that the betrayal is unintentional and then there is a chance to restore friendship.

Medication assistance for pathological fear of betrayal

I'm afraid of my husband's infidelity, betrayal... Such fears force me to live in constant stress and can even lead to depression. If you want to significantly reduce the symptoms of fear, you can use one of the following medications:

" Phytosedan " helps prevent the negative destructive effects of stress. This is an absolutely natural herbal mixture that needs to be poured with boiling water and allowed to brew for about 20 minutes. The course of treatment lasts about two weeks.
" Persen " has a relaxing and calming effect. It is especially effective in acute neurotic conditions, as it relieves feelings of fear and anxiety. It is enough to take one tablet three times a day.
" Deprim " is an effective remedy in the fight against obsessive thoughts, as well as depression. The therapeutic effect appears after two weeks of treatment. However, if you notice that your condition does not improve, you should stop taking this drug and consult your doctor.

Infusions of soothing herbs and healing decoctions from them can help in the fight against nervous excitability and irritability. Such plants include peppermint, motherwort, lemon balm, and valerian. You can prepare an infusion yourself by pouring a glass of boiling water over 1 teaspoon of herbs. The decoction must be left to steep for about 40–50 minutes. You should take half a glass no more than 3 times a day.

How to deal with betrayal

Treat it as another lesson in your life, from which you need to take only useful things. The experience gained may be painful, but it will help to cope with similar situations in the future. It will take time to resolve the consequences. But it is precisely this that will give immunity to the next negativity from other people.

Betrayal is difficult for anyone to survive

Signs of male infidelity

To avoid an unpleasant shock, you need to know the signs of betrayal:

unreasonable waste of money;
lies without apparent motivation;
irritability and short temper;
reluctance to spend time with your spouse;
lethargy in sex;
lack of romantic gestures;
increased attention to one's appearance;
changes in manners;
loss of concentration;
traces of close interaction with another woman.

Similar signs are observed in an unfaithful girl.

How to react to this

Betrayal is inevitable, so don't be shocked when it happens, just accept it as a given. This will help you endure such life difficulties more easily.

People are free to do what they like, and they do it. People often exhibit human traits. For your own sanity, just accept that these things happen, and they do happen. Then, once you have internalized it, ask yourself, if they happen, why shouldn't it happen to you from time to time. Then just accept that obviously you are not immune to this happening to you and just deal with it.

How to survive betrayal?

Svetlana Kovalenko

Psychologist, clinical psychologist

Ask a Question

Perhaps the best advice is to recognize that the process of trusting and getting to know another person is measured over years, sometimes decades. Many couples who have been married for many years admit that they sincerely developed trust in each other after 5-7 years of marriage. There are different types of betrayal. Accordingly, even when getting married, you cannot say that this relationship is for life, that you will not betray each other. Everything happens in life. Betrayal is hard to bear because we trust the person. When our expectations are not met, it is difficult to accept. I can recommend two options:

1. Try to independently work out the image of a person. Find those factors that could show throughout your relationship that the person was a traitor, a hypocrite, or could potentially do so. In simple words, you need to take off the “rose-colored glasses” that prevented you from objectively perceiving a person; 2. Contact a psychologist or psychotherapist who will help solve the problem of betrayal from a professional point of view.

How to get rid of obsessive thoughts about another man

There is no single piece of advice that will help everyone who wants to get rid of thoughts about another man. But there are recommendations that may help you avoid making mistakes and keep your inner peace calm:

Ask yourself what doesn’t suit you in your family relationships.

Perhaps you should tell your husband about this and the problem will be solved. Often, families do not know how to talk openly about problems and sometimes accumulate negative feelings within themselves for years, which lead to conflicts and loneliness.

Photo by Anthony Shkraba from Pexels

If the question is only about intimacy, then most likely it is worth visiting a specialized specialist, and not on your own, but with your husband.

In the 21st century, it’s time to get away from the idea that such things don’t need to be discussed, especially “with a stranger.”

Try to reflect on yourself during the period of melancholy and suffering for another man, what do you feel, what is missing?

Sometimes, it’s like flying back to youth, to those young years when falling in love was bright and brought a feeling of euphoria.

You should not torment yourself and reproach yourself for permitted thoughts; it is important to understand yourself and understand your own true desires. Perhaps there is simply not enough emotion in your life, and falling in love seems to have shaken you up and made you look at the world with different eyes.

Mechanism of betrayal

According to studies conducted on various cases of betrayal, it was concluded that each action has a motive and personal psychological problems. The most striking motive was fear. It is he who encourages people to act not according to moral standards. In such a situation, when you cannot resist a person, the qualities of a weak person begin to work. The second most popular motivation for action is uncertainty and irresponsibility. In some cases, people do not know what to do correctly and choose the easiest way - to transfer responsibility to others. Also, those who have already been betrayed are broken to such an extent that they do not believe in honesty and loyalty in people, because of the fear that they will be betrayed again, they do it more quickly. That is, we can say that one betrayal gives rise to another, it’s a vicious circle.

The desire to maintain seemingly good relationships leads to self-betrayal. For example, take the wives of alcoholics. In an alcoholic state, they do different things. But women endure everything so as not to remain lonely, while killing all their vital resources. Moreover, they are trying to save their husband from alcohol addiction. Most often it is to no avail.

Women's mistakes leading to male betrayal

Since you are reading this article, it means we can assume that you are a woman whose husband cheated on her, and now you are trying to find the reasons in yourself and analyze your own behavior.

Jealousy

Before you become jealous of your spouse, think about the consequences that may occur for both of you. In fact, jealousy is a destructive feeling that has a negative effect primarily on yourself. If we talk about the influence of jealousy on a man’s behavior, then we can note that the man whose wife is jealous of him with or without reason is more likely to commit infidelity than the one who has a trusting relationship in the family.

The forbidden fruit is sweet - this expression is very suitable in such a situation. In fact, the wife, being jealous of her husband, limits his freedom. And at every opportunity, he, having escaped from total control, strives to try what is forbidden to him, that is, to cheat with another woman.

Conversely, men who are not subjected to jealous attacks from their significant other behave calmly. They have no desire to go “left”. Relationships in such couples are built on trust and freedom, and not on prohibitions.

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We're not saying that being jealous is bad. Sometimes this can only strengthen your relationship. You just shouldn’t cross the line and violate your partner’s personal space.

Lack of motivation

If you behave with restraint, do not talk about love, constantly keep your distance, not letting a man get close, and do not show care and affection, then he is unlikely to be in a state of attack for a long time and court you. His ardor may quickly fade, and he will direct all his energy to another woman. With her he will feel loved and desired.

The woman stopped taking care of herself

One of the biggest women’s mistakes and misconceptions is that after marriage and the birth of children, a man is “attached” and will no longer look for adventures on the side.

In fact, this approach makes both of them unhappy: the woman completely stops taking care of herself, her self-esteem drops so much that only a psychologist can correct the situation. A man does not dare to leave his family, because he feels sorry for the children, and he does not have the strength to enjoy living next to such a woman.

What is the result?

A man loses sexual desire for his wife . He doesn’t know what to do next, because he doesn’t want to hurt his wife by cheating on her.
This state of affairs brings misfortune to everyone . The woman realizes that she is no longer loved, but is only tolerated and at the same time cheated on.
Most of all I feel sorry for the children . Since they will not truly be happy in a family where there is no love.

You also need to be able to forgive

Of course, to forgive or not to forgive is a personal matter and the principled position of each person. Even turning to the Bible, we can notice that the Lord teaches us to forgive, for we are all not without sin. Anyone can make a mistake.

The other side of the coin is that you need to do it right. If you have already left some action of your husband in the past, clarified all the points with him, then you do not need to return to this again and again, reminding him at every opportunity.

Types of betrayal

When we think of betrayal, we often imagine sexual flings or dramatic best friend relationships ending in disaster and a TV soap opera finale. However, betrayal is not always so simple, and it does not always happen exactly as shown in films and TV series. Sometimes we betray the people closest to us without even realizing what we have done.

There are different types of betrayal - betrayal of friends, betrayal of a loved one, betrayal of family

Betrayal of a friend and girlfriend

Betrayal based on friendship comes in many forms: from stealing or refusing a job you want to get, to gossip or divulging something you told him in confidence. Such betrayals and disappointments are woven into friendships more often than we think.

In one study, 68% of people surveyed reported that they had been betrayed by a friend at some point in their lives. Even close and loving friends can betray each other - sometimes intentionally, and sometimes without intent or without even realizing what they have done. This happens because friendship involves the interaction of the inner worlds of several people. Each friend's personality, needs and past experiences influence the relationship, and each of us will perceive what is happening differently (sometimes dramatically).

Betrayal of the State

High treason is the act of betraying one's government or association. When rebels stage a coup against the government, it is treason. Speaking against the leader of your country is treason, which is often punishable by death. Betrayal of one's military leader can result in death in some countries and imprisonment and dishonorable discharge in others. In business, conspiring with others to oust an executive or promote oneself is treason.

Betrayal of a loved one

When you discover your significant other's sexual betrayal, it plunges you into pain, loss and grief. Of course, betrayal of a loved one is not limited to just physical connection with another person. This could be a violation of obligations or promises, humiliation, beatings, violence. In this case, the term betrayal is quite broad. Consequences can lead to the following:

Losing trust in your partner

Losing a relationship you thought you had for the rest of your life

Loss of trust in others

Loss of self-esteem

Losing the future you imagined with your partner

Loss of self-confidence

Even loss of trust in higher powers

Some women say it undermines the very basis of trust in everyone and everything

Men and women think differently about cheating

Let's start with the fact that both a woman and a man begin their betrayal with thoughts. As soon as it arose in the head, that’s it, the mechanism was launched. Now the millstones of conscience and the thin strings of a person’s value and semantic orientation will undergo a real storm of strength tests.

And here there is already a characteristic difference between a woman and a man. A man will not suffer for a long time, unless he has a hysterical personality type, he makes a decision quickly, there is no long hesitation here. Either he initially, in advance, agrees to betrayal, or not. And men treat betrayal as such superficially; the main thing for them is that no one finds out.

What to do if you are attracted to another man?

With a woman everything is much more complicated. She will exhaust herself with thoughts and even if she takes such a decisive step, she may give herself away. The inner world of a woman is much richer emotionally and sensually than that of a man.

In order for a real woman, with self-esteem, to cheat, there must be good reasons. Here, of course, you can blame everything on your unlucky husband, but the reason is even deeper, and these are, again, her thoughts.

If she is married and feels unhappy, you can endlessly list examples and types of intra-family relationships that bring pain and suffering, but the question will always be, why does she endure?

Most likely, because she has thoughts that family is such a relationship, that everyone around is to blame, and all she can do is suffer or drag some lazy person around. But, the accumulation of discontent and negativity continues, and at one point it simply overwhelms, and she experiences a vacuum that needs to be filled. What happens next is:

Thoughts that someone else should appear and save her appear more and more often.

And she begins to subconsciously look for a candidate. The Universe, of course, is not asleep and will definitely give him to her, but bad luck, he will actually be little different from her husband. But while she doesn’t know this, an interesting romance with suffering will begin.

The period of falling in love, one can even call it “quiet,” excites the inner world of a woman, and she, thus, herself brings new emotions into her life.

If a man also shows signs of attention, then here the imagination can run wild.

Giphy

Further, the scenario develops in two directions, one is a certain period of suffering and obsessive thoughts about a man, and the second is a transition to active action.

It is worth saying right away that most women enjoy the period of heartache; according to statistics, only 25% out of 100% dare to commit real betrayal. The rest will enjoy their own dreams and scenes of wild fantasies, adding color to such dramatic events. “Everything could have been different if it weren’t for...” here, each woman has her own ending to the novel.

What to do after betrayal

The question “How to survive betrayal?” quite popular. Since each of us will face it sooner or later. We can offer the following options and methods:

Establish some detachment. Step back and look at yourself as if you were a helper rather than a victim;
Don't indulge emotions you can't afford. Don't act like you feel worse than you do - or better.
Create an emotional recovery plan. Look at where you are hurting, where you feel hurt, or where you feel victimized, and then work to heal those areas. Don't rely on time to do it for you.
Feel the emptiness inside you and mourn it, but promise yourself that you will fill it.
Look for a confidant who has experienced the same betrayal and come out the other side.
Work to make tomorrow better than yesterday. Don't dwell on the past or what could have been.
Counteract self-pity by serving someone else. Against regret, seek out activities that boost your self-esteem.

An effective way to survive betrayal

Will the pain of betrayal go away?

Let me use a metaphor. Its simplicity should not be offensive, because many complex phenomena (including feelings and emotions) obey simple laws of nature.

If you recently had a tooth pulled out, it may remind you of itself for a long time. You take painkillers, go to the “dressing”, but you understand that this is how it should be, this is a natural process of wound healing.

Same with memories of betrayal.

During a consultation, a psychologist might ask you to scream about your pain, or to portray it. This and any other method is considered “bandaging”.

When it starts to “sick,” what can you do except wait out the attack or relieve yourself of the pain?

The most annoying thing is that it is not clear when this will go away, will it go away at all?

It will pass. If you “don’t pick.” If you don’t indulge your whim, you will “suffer.” That’s it, you’ve already cried, suffered, and worked through your trauma with a psychologist. They often say: “You have to cry for yourself.” You've already cried. This means the wound is starting to heal. Things will get better soon. You can read even more about the pain after betrayal in the article I can’t forget betrayal - what to do?

Is it possible to forgive

Of course, most of us don't forgive. We remember the grievances we have experienced and reconsider our behavior to avoid them. Even if we don't consciously pay attention to the wounds or abusers in our lives, often our body remembers them, and whether we are aware of them or not, they influence the way we live. So instead of banishing our problems, let's rethink how we move forward with our lives.

How to forgive a loved one

Step 1 Decide to forgive

At some point in your life, you've probably told someone you forgive them and meant it, but then the resentment returned and the feeling of forgiveness went away. This is fine.

But if you want to achieve lasting forgiveness, you must make a firm decision to forgive, and this decision cannot be wavered.

Step 2 Clarify the situation

Saying “I forgive you” may be simple enough, but going from there to actually forgiving someone who has hurt you is another matter entirely.

Once you have made a firm decision to forgive, formulate it clearly. At the top of a piece of paper, write your partner's name. Then write down exactly why you forgive him - be specific and detailed. On the back of the paper, make a list of all the reasons why you want to forgive your partner. Once you have a complete list, write your top three reasons on a piece of paper and put it in a place that you, and only you, will see often during your daily life. Remember, if you don't know why you want to forgive, you are more likely to hesitate when things get difficult.

Step 3 Think back to times when you acted in a similar way.

It's entirely possible that you've never done anything as bad to your partner as what was done to you, but you've undoubtedly hurt your partner at some point in the relationship.

We've all done things we're not proud of, and we've all been dishonest in various ways throughout our lives. While dwelling on our mistakes and misdeeds is unhealthy, it can be helpful to review them and remind ourselves that we are not perfect either and that there have been times when we wanted forgiveness. Make a list of times you have done similar things.

Step 4 Let it go symbolically

Reread what you wrote in step 2 and imagine each of your grievances flying into space while saying, “I forgive you.” Once you have let them all go, safely burn the pages and ask a higher power to help you heal your heart.

Step 5 Forgive yourself

If you feel guilty, ashamed, or angry at yourself for something you did in the past, you are not alone. So follow the steps above, but with an emphasis on forgiving yourself. When I encourage people to forgive, I usually hear all the “buts” – “but he did this and she did that.” And all of these “buts” may be true, but if you are serious about freeing yourself and truly repairing your relationship with your loved one, you need to truly forgive them.

You need to understand that forgiveness is necessary so that you yourself can let go of betrayal

How to forgive your mother

Ask - Would you do the same in her place?

Your first reaction may be: “No! I would never treat my daughter the way my mother treated me! I could never be so angry, unloving, stupid or cruel.” And maybe you're right. You are you, so you act and think the way you act. You would probably make a million different choices than your mom. You wouldn't say the things she said or do the things she did. You would never do anything to your daughter that requires forgiveness.

Accept that your mom did everything she could

Your mother may not have given you the love or support you needed as a child, but she did the best she could. Your mother can only give you what is in her own mind, heart and spirit. Is she empty, heartless, cruel or controlling? Your mother is struggling with heart disease. She may be unhappy, bitter, lonely, or even mentally ill, like my own mother. Perhaps her heart is not right with God, and this is affecting her relationship.

I don't know why your mother hurt you, or how long you have been struggling with pain and resentment. But I believe that your mother's actions reflect what is in her heart. If your mom is frivolous or cruel, she has a reason. That doesn't mean you're okay with what she did, or even that you have to forgive your mom for hurting you! But you can soften and heal if you accept that your mother can only give you what she has.

Your mom is who she is

You can't change your mother. Look how difficult it is to change yourself! Growth and healing must come from within, from the inner source of life, strength, love and grace. We cannot force our mothers to change, just as we cannot force ourselves to change. We cannot change our mothers any more than we can change the color of the leaves on the trees.

You can forgive your mother for what she did

It is very difficult to accept your mother for who she is. Allowing your mother to raise you the way she wants, rather than the way you want to be raised, is painful. But it is possible to forgive your mother for hurting you! A conversation with a psychologist helped me.

You need to let go of the problems you have with your mother.

Betrayal as a reason for liberation from addiction

Dependence is a breeding factor for betrayal. The roots of this disease go deep into the psyche and childhood, giving rise to problems such as obesity, alcoholism, and drug addiction. Dependence on bad habits is on a par with dependence on a loved one or a beloved man. People who are more likely to commit betrayals shower love and give false hope for a healthy relationship.

But such people are not at all ready to maintain loving and friendly feelings for a long time. Take, for example, dependence on a man. Often it occurs in women due to the fact that in childhood they were not given fatherly love or the head of the family simply left. Then, when a woman finds a companion in adulthood, she tries in every possible way to hold on to him, because she remembers or feels a lack of love in childhood. As a result, she will endure any pain, insults, just not to be left alone. She develops an addiction. This is precisely what a relationship with an abusive man is based on.

I let you go in peace: survive betrayal and live with your shoulders straight

Adultery is what plunges a family into lifetime hell. And in this dark place that adults have created, the first to suffer are the innocent - that is, children. Is family life possible after one of the spouses cheats?

How to survive and live on? Is it worth restoring ruins? And if there is no stone left unturned from the marriage, then how can you say to the offender, instead of bitter words, simple, original Russian words - “I let you go in peace?”

To break

On the Internet there are many opinions about adultery, completely polar: from complete and calm acceptance to complete condemnation with calls for a bloody vendetta and revenge to the seventh generation. The voice of Christian love is drowned out by emotions, and the view of an Orthodox Christian seems to be something absurd.

The life of a family in which betrayal is discovered is similar to general madness and for a long time can keep everyone on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Relations are extremely tense, and it is not possible to hide open fire from household members. It is no coincidence that the Gospel considers the only reason for divorce to be adultery – adultery.

There are, of course, cases of moral deficiency of a wife and husband when betrayal seems to both to be beneficial for health and strengthening relationships. But in most cases (normally), every person who faces the challenge of a new feeling understands perfectly well what he is doing and feels the sinfulness and abnormality of what is happening.

Trying to understand what led to the betrayal leads us down a slippery slope. It seems that everything is very clear - the cheating party is to blame, as well as frivolity, carelessness, the play of hormones, simply the immorality of one of the spouses and his inclination to sin. It seems true and logical. But…

Modern researchers emphasize that betrayal is preceded by an emotional distance that grows between spouses. And if the husband and wife did not try to figure out why the gap was growing, did not try to get closer, then they are both wrong, and, most likely, the gap will soon turn into an abyss.

The wound of parting with a cheating spouse is painful and severe. And it’s not only and not so much about insult, humiliation and insult to the best feelings of the injured party. What was one flesh ceased to be one. That is why divorce due to infidelity always cuts to the quick.

Children have the right to know why their mother is hospitalized with a heart attack. Why is it so hard and sad at home, they don’t call you for dinner on time, and dad has completely disappeared somewhere. You should not hush up trouble and pain - otherwise the feeling of guilt will fall like an unbearable weight on the child.

Cheating is a betrayal not only of a loved one, but also of everything connected with him, accumulated over many years of married life - these are children, and parents, and relatives, and mutual friends. With the discovery of betrayal and, as a consequence, separation, all previous connections collapse - which means the lives of many people collapse.

And the little family members are at the epicenter of this explosion. Maybe take the children to their grandparents, away from explanations and showdowns? No, just try to change your attitude towards the problem and change your line of behavior.

Examples, alas, work...

Why do all online resources on Orthodox education recommend that parents teach their children by example? Because it works, because child behavior patterns are established from infancy. But, alas, the same law applies to anti-examples, including adultery.

And here is a typical situation. Dad leaves the family because of another woman. The teenager is worried: he is offended by his father, feels sorry for his mother, accumulates aggression towards the one who caused the family to break up (and sometimes he directly shows this aggression - there are many examples of this).

And it seems that the boy or young man adequately assesses what is happening. But a certain number of years pass, and he mirrors this situation in his family - alas, his father’s behavioral model was learned by him at the subconscious level and manifested itself.

That is why before the revolution in Russia there was an engagement in noble families . Having formally united the bride and groom, the parents watched not only the future spouses, but also potential relatives - they made inquiries, learned about the family’s lifestyle and the real state of affairs.

And in both merchant and simple peasant families, the son (future husband) was judged by the father, and the daughter (future wife) by the mother. That is, the children of fornicators and flighty people had much less chance of a good marriage.

Perhaps now the likelihood of infidelity in the family of children whose parents separated due to infidelity will be attributed to genetic predisposition - and one fact will easily be justified by another. But a person’s faith is a kind of phenomenon, and his volitional decision to resist sin is, of course, stronger than genes and even behavioral patterns learned in childhood. And, of course, children of parents who cheated on each other have the opportunity to create a normal family in which faith and marital fidelity will become a solid foundation.

And who is “bad”?

So, the child observes that mom and dad have broken up or are breaking up because of someone else. Who is “bad” in his perception? Of course, the third one. Or everyone is “bad” because there is a war going on at home, and screams, tears and mutual accusations fall on his head every day.

What is required from parents for the sake of their children? The main thing is to maintain peace. This does not mean “living in the name of the child” and enduring betrayal for many more years until the child grows up, and then agreeing to a divorce with a clear conscience. It is precisely such hypocritical scenarios that hit the child even more painfully, because he becomes, as it were, the culprit that the parents live in a lie, both are extremely unhappy and can barely tolerate each other.

But let's restrain unnecessary negative emotions. Since this has happened in your life, all that remains is to accept the situation with relative calm and try to understand - the Lord allowed this, we are in His will, so no matter how difficult it is, we should not despair.

We feel sorry for the children, who are many times more scared and bitter than we are, which means we lower our tone, don’t start shouting, and swallow reproaches. We train good silence with all our might. The attitude must remain immutable for children - there are no enemies here, mom and dad are both good. Avoid labels and categorical assessments.

One pilgrim, who came to the Pskov-Pechersky Monastery very young with experience of her husband’s betrayal and a divorce behind her, told how Archimandrite John Krestyankin asked about the reason for the divorce, and in response to her words about her ex-husband “He is not a very good person,” he unexpectedly replied: “And how do you know? Maybe he's just a weak person. Only God knows." Let’s not judge anything and transmit our beliefs to children. Over time, they themselves will draw the right conclusions about what happened.

Can't be saved

“We cannot be saved” - in this sentence, everyone has to place the signs themselves. Accept and endure further, resist, fight, call it a day? The decision is not for your parents or your children, but only for you. And here is what the priests of the Russian Orthodox Church say about this.

Should a marriage be considered broken if the husband cheated and the wife forgave? Priest Peter Guryanov notes that betrayal of spouses is a great pain, not everyone is able to forgive. “There is no need to get married again, the main thing is the husband’s sincere repentance. Perhaps the family will not have the happiness, lightness, and joy that it could have. It will be life with a lump in the throat, with a bitter aftertaste. But Archimandrite John Krestyankin said: if you can, then it’s better to forgive.”

Forgiveness should entail a transformation of the forgiven, his internal and behavioral change. What if there is no change and the betrayal happens again?

Archpriest Alexy Uminsky believes that “condescension towards betrayal always ricochets through marriage”: “The condescending view of a non-family person on betrayal as something normal will negatively affect his life after marriage.

His own life depends on how a person initially relates to the topic of betrayal and fidelity in the family - he will continue to be “hooked” by sin. When they tell me about betrayal in confession, I always meet with disaster.

This is a catastrophe of colossal proportions, the soul is like scorched earth. A person comes in a state of a scorched heart and feelings - dead, absolutely insensitive, understanding nothing. But a person who lives in captivity of sin will constantly look for an excuse for his action, and he himself feels bad from the endless search for justification. The most serious condition.

I don’t know of examples where a person betrayed and no one would find out. Betrayal becomes known at the most inconvenient and unexpected moment. The person himself, his conscience, and God always know about betrayal .

the basis of any relationship (in marriage, friendship, in the relationship between parents and children, between man and God) is loyalty and trust. In practice this means: you can count on me. Adultery is a betrayal of the secrets of love: the most secret things about your wife or husband are revealed to you, and you neglect it.

If people love each other truly and seriously, there is no need to cheat.

If a person wants to change, is looking for a reason or justification, and this is normal for him, then he must state: I don’t love anyone but myself, I just use all other people.”

Grounds for temptation

According to Father Alexy, a favorable background for adultery is created by public opinion: “In the context in which we live, relations between men and women after the sexual revolutions have become super-free, the consciousness of the availability and possibility of adultery is a common place. Mental prohibitions and social taboos have been removed from the topic of betrayal, and condemnation of infidelity as such has gone away. This creates the ground for temptation.

There are words of Christ about man and woman: “And the two will become one flesh; so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man put asunder (Mark 10:8-9). This is the ideal to which the Christian Church later came, elevating the relationship between man and woman to the relationship between Christ and the Church. Even in King Solomon’s amazing poem “Song of Songs,” the Church sees the highest relationship between God and man.

The call to conform to the images of Christ and the Church sets a high standard. They apply only to people who consciously perceive marriage and try to build it in a Christian way. Alas, this cannot be said about every marriage.

In Christianity there is also an understanding of the family as a small Church, that is, an organism in which the Lord is present. Christ said: where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them (Matthew 18:20). This is also said about family. But in order for this to happen, the husband and wife must understand and share this attitude towards marriage. If people don’t initially look at their marriage this way, then the likelihood of family breakdown is much higher.”

Who is right, who is wrong?

Assessing the relationship between spouses on the verge of divorce, Rev. Alexy Uminsky is in no hurry to categorically assess what is happening: “In family troubles there is always some kind of mutual guilt...
Undoubtedly, in the relationship between a man and a woman in marriage, love can become scarce. And impoverished love is always looking for some opportunities to warm up its feelings, because... a person cannot live in a dead state, he needs a feeling of life, he needs to love and be loved.

And here the only question is: how much do the spouses themselves understand why they started a family, for what kind of relationship. For some, the family as a small Church seems an unattainable goal. And for some it’s a verbal cliche. In both cases, the question arises whether it is necessary to strive for this.

And there is nothing special about this bar. Any good family is like this, and it doesn’t need to build anything special. To be a family in this way, you have to work, give your all - this applies to both husband and wife. You need to peer into a person, hear what he needs and what he lacks.

...Let the flesh be one

Father Alexy Uminsky also highlights a serious problem of many Orthodox families - the wrong attitude towards intimacy: “There are Orthodox families today in which intimate relationships are viewed with extreme suspicion. They are initially thought of as sinful, unacceptable, as an indulgence in weakness and lust. The Apostle Paul wrote: if they cannot abstain, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to become inflamed (1 Cor. 7:9). So they come in.

But marriage should have a different basis. The Apostle Paul had no experience in this sense. He was a virgin, did not start a family, and was lenient about marriage. But that was just his personal attitude! And he, nevertheless, says amazing words about marriage: “The wife has no power over her body, but the husband does; Likewise, the husband has no power over his body, but the wife does. Do not depart from one another, except by consent, and then be together again” (1 Cor 7:4-5). That is, it does not just justify, it gives Christians freedom in marital relationships.

And here, of course, one cannot help but say that a suspicious and sometimes even perverted perception of intimate intimacy on the part of some clergy can destroy any marriage and interfere with the fullness of joy with each other. This attitude separates people and leaves them with severe psychological trauma.

It is unacceptable for anyone, including a confessor, to influence the intimate life of spouses. The husband and wife have their own small Church, and they themselves will deal with this issue. Christians know very well what chastity is, what sin is, and what depravity is.

If intimacy between spouses is allowed only out of indulgence in weakness, and not for joy, then it is a time bomb, and one day it will explode. And then the person does not understand himself, he is captured by relationships on the side. There are always many networks in the world that a person can get into. To stop this, you need awareness of sin and determination.”

Extremely honest

According to the priest, there is another big family problem - turning a blind eye to sin. “Sometimes a woman, knowing about her husband’s infidelities, thinks like this: okay, let him go for a walk, as long as he returns home, and turns a blind eye to the infidelities...
This means she doesn't love her husband. She uses it for some of her own purposes - for the sake of social status, raising children, for the sake of her wallet, repairs, gardening... whatever. She's not with him for love. But in that case, that's her problem.

What if a woman knows about the betrayal, quietly cries into her pillow, but remains silent because she is afraid that her husband will leave her? Well, let him quit! In such a situation, honesty is paramount. And in front of yourself too. Why keep such marriages?

Of course, there are extreme situations when a woman with children in her arms may find herself without a roof over her head, without the opportunity to feed and raise her children. She is in an absolutely humiliated state, completely dependent on her husband, so much so that in the event of a divorce, life will suffer a complete collapse. Such women suffer betrayal...

But again, there is nothing normal in such a situation. In a family, everything should be extremely honest: if the husband cheats and the woman understands that he will continue to cheat and he doesn’t care what she thinks about this, she needs to pack her things and leave. Otherwise, her silent consent becomes an indulgence in sin, a lie to herself.

Pray and act

If a wife loves her husband and is ready to fight for him, beg him, then this is also the way. But we must understand that this is the path of the cross, of heroism - in fact, we are talking about the salvation of the soul of her husband.

It's not about dragging him out of one bed and putting him in another. This is not the goal. Love seeks precisely the salvation of the soul, and not possessiveness over a person.

That is, a woman in such a situation needs to pray, and that’s all? No! Pray and act: talk, make scandals with your husband, go to a psychologist... I don’t know what exactly, it’s the woman who has to decide what to do.

Every woman should have her own way of solving a problem if she truly loves her husband, values him and wants his salvation. This means that she knows something about him that only God, Who wants the salvation of his soul, knows about him. If so, if she understands that her husband is the father of her children who need him, and she herself cannot live any longer without him, then she will find a way. Love is the deepest knowledge of man. And the only support in such a situation.

Point of no return

It happens that repentance still comes to the cheating spouse. When does the point of no return come and is it still possible to return to normal life when it seems that everything is lost?

Archpriest argues. Alexy Uminsky: “Repentance, if it is sincere, deep, if it passes through the awareness of one’s sin, washes away this sin from a person, returns to the Church, to Christ. This does not mean that the old life that is destroyed can be restored. But I know situations in which, after serious adultery, life returned to normal. With a lot of hard work, but she came. And after completely catastrophic things.

But I also know that it can be very difficult for a woman to fully accept her husband. Trust is destroyed... It's hard for her to trust him again. It happens that she cannot live without him, they are so connected, and she cannot completely believe him. Neither accept nor reject... And this is also a disaster. The woman seems to be in a crucified state. Very hard.

A man in such a situation needs to gain trust again with all his might. I don’t know how exactly - in each case there are different ways. But conquer by all means.

Become perfect for your family. Just living is normal, human. This is a very long way... But it is possible.

Is it a sin to marry a divorcee?

After a divorce due to infidelity, this issue is especially acute for many. Archpriest Andrei Efanov expresses the position of the Church this way: if a man marries a divorced woman, he commits adultery if his future wife is guilty of the previous divorce.

If she is the initiator without a serious reason for divorce (treason, threat to life), or she has not suffered serious penance after the initiated divorce, then the man commits adultery. Marriage is not only a wedding; a marriage registered in the registry office is legal before God. Although, of course, for church-going Christians, a wedding is mandatory.

Shield your eyes

Instead of dealing with the destructive consequences of adultery, it is better to prevent it. That is, avoid temptations. And this is very difficult.

Mass media imposes beautiful pictures, the fashion industry, makeup and applied psychology teach how to attract looks and put the natural desire to please at the forefront of relationships. Vivid expression of sexuality is not prohibited; it has long been normal and encouraged.

What do the Holy Fathers of the Church say? First of all, they uncompromisingly call a spade a spade.

“Why are you taking care of other people’s beauty? Why are you staring at something other than your face? Why are you rushing into the abyss? Why are you putting yourself online? Shield your eyes; cover your vision; make a law unto your eyes; listen to Christ, who, threatening, puts a shameless look on a par with adultery” (Matthew 5, 28) (St. John Chrysostom, 48, 182).

“What is the use of pleasure if it gives birth to worms, if it exposes those who indulge in it to constant fear and eternal torment? Isn’t it much better, by a little restraining the power of your thoughts, to be rewarded with eternal joy, rather than to suffer endlessly for the small satisfaction of vicious desires? (St. John Chrysostom, 48, 182).

“Whoever loves to look at beautiful faces most of all kindles in himself the flame of passion and, making the soul a captive of passion, soon then begins to fulfill the desire” (St. John Chrysostom, 50, 191).

“Don’t say: what if I look closely at a beautiful woman? If you commit adultery in your heart, you will soon dare to do it in your flesh” (St. John Chrysostom, 50, 859).

“If you want to look and enjoy your gaze, then look constantly at your wife and love her: no law prohibits this. If you gaze at someone else’s beauty, you will offend both your wife, turning your eyes away from her, and the one you are looking at, since you touch her contrary to the law” (St. John Chrysostom, 50, 193).

Strife and destruction of houses

Ossification in the sin of fornication also finds a rather harsh patristic assessment: “If... someone has a wife faithful in the Lord and finds her in adultery, then does the husband sin if he lives with her?.. As long as he does not know her sin, the husband he does not sin if he lives with her. If the husband finds out about his wife’s sin and she does not repent, but remains in her adultery, then the husband will sin if he lives with her and will become a participant in her adultery.

What to do... if the wife continues in her vice? Let her husband let her go, and he himself remains alone. If, having let his wife go, he takes another, then he himself commits adultery. Well... if the released wife repents and wishes to return to her husband, then shouldn’t she be accepted by her husband?..

If her husband does not accept her, he sins and allows himself a great sin; should accept a sinner who repents, but not many times. For for the servants of God there is only one repentance. Therefore, for the sake of repentance, a husband should not, having released his wife, take another for himself. This course of action applies equally to both husband and wife (St. Herm, 94, 183–184).

“If a husband, who abandoned his wife, moved on to another, then he is an adulterer, because he leads his wife to commit adultery, and she who lives with him is an adulteress, because she attracted someone else’s husband to herself (St. Basil the Great, 11:13).

“She who leaves her husband, if she goes to another, is an adulteress; and a husband abandoned by his wife is worthy of an apology, and the woman living with him is not condemned (St. Basil the Great, 11, 13).

“When a husband turns his heart to another, then, divided in his soul and already controlled by the devil himself, he fills his home with all sorrow.

And if the wife is carried away by a similar passion, then everything, so to speak, is turned upside down: hiding from each other, one suspects the wife, the other suspects the husband; where there should have been agreement and unity, people who should be one flesh (see: Matt. 19:5) ... reach such a separation from each other, as if they were already completely divorced” (St. John Chrysostom, 47, 596).

“It is the gravest punishment, the unforgivable sin, if, having a wife at home, (the husband) defiles himself with harlots and commits adultery... Hence - strife, curses, destruction of houses and daily quarrels” (St. John Chrysostom, 47, 789).

“If through cohabitation (husband and wife) constitute one body, then he who lives with a harlot necessarily becomes one body with her” (St. John Chrysostom, 51, 427).

“If many abstain from their wives when the time of fasting or prayer comes, then what kind of fire does he gather for himself who is not even content with his own (wife), but also has a relationship with another?” (St. John Chrysostom, 51, 426).

Degrades the nobility of children

Adultery not only brings with it bitterness for all family members, it also humiliates their dignity.

“Adultery... violates the conditions of marriage, humiliates the nobility of children, dissolves family ties and upsets all human life” (St. Isidore Pelusiot, 61, 132).

“Woe to the adulterer! He defiles the wedding garment and is expelled with shame from the Royal Bridal Chamber” (St. Ephraim the Syrian, 30, 72).

“Both the thief and the adulterer feel shame when one person sees them; in what shame should they appear there when both heaven and earth look at them!.. Completely remove from yourselves adultery and false witness; because they throw into the pit of destruction those who become guilty of them (St. Ephraim the Syrian, 33, 114).

“If those who indulge in fornication before marriage are condemned and punished... then even more so after marriage... because this act is not only fornication, but is also recognized as adultery; this is heavier than any sin” (St. John Chrysostom, 46, 214).

“(Adultery) is not a consequence of the desire for copulation, but a consequence of vanity, sensual irritation and excessive voluptuousness” (St. John Chrysostom, 54, 19).

“Flee adultery, remembering that when you fall into it, you immediately become a transgressor of the law, and you kill your body, and you disgrace yourself, and you subject your soul to torment, and you dishonor your family, and you anger God” (St. John Chrysostom, 54 , 953)

Concluding our reflection on the difficult topic we have raised, we note that the mentality of Russian people from time immemorial has been distinguished by a special, Christian, caring attitude towards any person, and especially towards a close person, a spouse, with whom we have lived for many years, shared many joys and hardships, with who raised children.

The truly Christian worldview and the deep wise view of a believing Russian person are talentedly and accurately reflected in the poems of the modern poet Alexander Sitnikov “I Let Go”:

I let you go in peace - They said in the old days, Even the offenders, even the dear ones, were not blamed for living.

They barely whispered to the prodigal son on his way, as if in delirium: “I’m letting you go with God and I’m waiting for you to go home with hope.”

“If you don’t love, you don’t love, Go away, I won’t curse...” They let you go - you won’t judge, Like, your beloved wife.

They even let a thief go to four directions, If they saw that His grief was greater than his guilt.

I let you go in peace - What’s burned is ash... Maybe I’ll at least tear out the sting of the evil I’ve done?

For the sake of life, not death, I eradicate the anger in my heart, So that good in this world will not disappear forever.

Based on materials from Orthodox media - Maria Thessaloniki

Is there any benefit

While relationships are generally better if there are fewer rather than more instances of betrayal, there is one significant relationship benefit that can be derived from the experience of betrayal: betrayal and the behavior of both partners in response to it provide an excellent opportunity to assess the partner's motives. in relation to yourself.

Because betrayal typically pits the motives of the victim and the perpetrator against each other, it often creates circumstances in which people may evaluate a partner's willingness to work to improve the relationship. For example, if the perpetrator of the betrayal is clearly upset by the pain caused to the victim and sincerely makes amends, the victim may become more confident in the relationship than before the betrayal occurred. Likewise, if the victim forgives the betrayal despite having every right to hold a grudge, the perpetrator learns valuable information about the victim's commitment to the relationship. In short, while betrayal often hurts relationships, it can sometimes provide an opportunity to strengthen them.

The main signs of fear of betrayal

It is important to understand the difference between fears of betrayal that are caused by real facts and those that are based on one’s own internal problems. If betrayal does happen, then it should become an experience, but not a reason to then be afraid of betrayal in a new relationship.

Let's look at the main reasons for fear:

Constant control of the beloved . Losing power over another person is the main fear of betrayal. The young man believes that if he controls every step of his significant other, then betrayal will definitely be avoided. However, such excessive control looks extremely oppressive. The husband can even limit the freedom of his wife, establish possible rules that are acceptable only to him. It seems to him that these tyrannical methods can save him from his wife’s infidelity.
Hysterics . A person can no longer cope with his fear and emotions, aggression becomes more and more obvious and constant. A woman can easily fall into hysterics, shed tears, scream, break dishes, and use blackmail. It is doubly difficult if the man in a couple loses control over his fear. After all, this literally creates a threat to the entire family.

Betrayal by husband

When a woman is faced with betrayal by her husband, her experiences usually go through several stages.

At first, denial is typical, you don’t want to believe what happened, the woman categorically does not accept what is happening. It seems that these are only temporary difficulties that will soon pass, this is not happening to her, her husband could not do this, he has an explanation, a good reason, which he will clarify later.

Next, rage and great resentment towards her husband often sets in; hatred for everything connected with him awakens in the woman, she longs for reprisal and revenge. However, then longing for her husband sets in, memories come, mostly bright moments from a common joyful past, again I want to be in the same places, listen to the same music - in a word, to relive again, to immerse myself in old feelings. At this stage, a woman is often even ready to humiliate herself, take a step and go for reconciliation for the sake of a common past and relationship. Here the woman is already beginning to look for the reason why this happened.

Then anger may come again, along with the thought that the value of the relationship was less important to the husband than it seemed like he wanted to think. The woman begins to remember her husband’s words and broken promises, which only makes her angrier.

And then depression and apathy sets in, when you don’t want to do anything, when you’re just ready to lie in bed all day, when it seems like it will never end, the pain from this situation will never stop. What is happening around is not engaging. At these moments, a woman begins to delve into herself, look for mistakes, even to the point of taking all the blame for the situation. It seems to her that she herself brought her husband and the relationship to such an outcome.

And then the understanding comes - you need to move on, you can get used to this situation and so safely survive your husband’s betrayal. In order to burn all bridges and move on to a new life, a woman tries to remove all her husband’s belongings, shared photographs, audio recordings, gifts, so that the memories do not have such power. There may even be a change of company, the woman may stop communicating with mutual friends and visiting memorable places.

Finally, with a cold mind, a woman looks at relationships, most objectively assesses situations where she and her husband could be wrong, and draws conclusions for her future personal life. She realizes exactly how she will no longer act.

Acceptance comes, humility with reality, the woman no longer cares why this happened, how her husband could do this. The resentment goes away somewhere, and you can already treat the man neutrally. Perhaps there remains disappointment and indifference to his life, and then you just want to deal with your own life.

Psychologists report that it is not time that heals, but precisely this humility with the situation, the ability to switch to something else, to move on. Those around you can help you expand your horizons and not dwell on what happened. Psychologists note that how a person experiences betrayal determines his future life and ability to build future relationships with the opposite sex.

It is worth considering that all women are different, and each requires its own amount of time to survive betrayal. Try to stay busy – work, hobbies, hobbies. You can plunge headlong into a new area, meet acquaintances, go out with friends, go to the cinema and theater, and read. A busy day and an abundance of new impressions will not give you the opportunity to think about the past again.

However, psychologists also report that painful experiences need to be fully responded to, lived through and released. Don't suppress your tears if you want to cry. Don’t force yourself to smile and pretend to be happy. Look for joyful moments, but also accept your negative emotions. Do not place them, as often happens, in the back of your mind, from where it will be difficult to control them; on the contrary, they will begin to control you. Pain here is like a disease, you need to get over it, and acute symptoms allow you to recover faster, while hidden, suppressed emotions can become chronic.

Never spy on social networks, don’t even look at his page - this can not only regularly feed painful experiences, forming a habit, but also begin to inflate your imagination.

What can help you survive your husband's betrayal? Feel the value of your own life, which is the only one you have; it should not be wasted on worries and negativity. At the same time, examine the mistakes of the past. Any problem in a relationship is created by the partners together. Understand the mistakes so you don't make them in your next relationship. Therefore, you need to have an attitude towards betrayal that perceives it as an experience in your life.