How can you forget the person you love if fate has decreed that people cannot be together? The easiest way to cope with this problem are workaholic women who are completely immersed in work or dreamers who dream of new relationships with the opposite sex. In any case, psychologists recommend adding lively, new images to your life, walking more, making acquaintances, visiting fashion exhibitions, cinemas, psychological trainings on “how to become happy” and so on.
There is another opinion: maybe you shouldn’t strive to forget the person you love as soon as possible and leave everything as it is, experiencing tender feelings for your ex. Over time, feelings will cool down on their own and gradually forgetting the person you love will become possible without making much effort. However, every woman chooses her own path.
How to forget the person you love? Psychology says in this regard that human relationships do not always develop according to the ideal scenario, and the strongest couples are often subject to a cooling of feelings.
A femin, who intuitively senses that the day is not far off when her chosen one will say that their relationship has exhausted itself and announces that it is necessary to live apart for some time to test their feelings, is in a more advantageous position than the one who was notified of this suddenly .
It should also be noted that without exception, all women with whom their loved ones broke up do not return to normal very quickly after drastic changes in their lives. For some it takes ten days to heal a heart wound, while some ladies live for many months with pain.
How to quickly forget the person you love, so that he doesn’t appear at every street intersection, doesn’t come in your dreams, and so you can just start living in peace, dreaming of a new relationship with the opposite sex? The best healer to forget past love is time. Parting with a loved one is a heart and mental trauma.
Every day the pain will gradually subside, and separation over time will not seem like the end of life, but you still need to live to see this period. The moment girls find out that they are being “abandoned,” they begin to behave inappropriately. And the biggest problem is that women cannot realize that they have been “abandoned,” since women themselves very rarely do such things and the next day they think that everything will be as before. Therefore, for the fair sex, separation appears to be a nightmare, which they think will soon end.
Two big hits
What comes to your mind when you hear the words “the man left”? There can be completely different stories behind this phrase. One woman, the morning after her husband’s death, wrote on social networks that he had left and would not return, that there had been conflicts and now they would never happen again. Many rushed to reassure: they say, he will come back, everyone is coming back. And only gradual clarification revealed the terrible news: he would never be able to return. She was in such a state that she could not write more specifically - and was misunderstood.
Another woman wrote: “That’s it, he’s dead!” And only in the course of a general, alarmed dialogue it became clear that he died only for her, because he cheated and was going to leave for someone else.
In terms of the strength of the stressful impact, these situations are on the list of favorites: the death of a loved one is in first place, and the breakup of a long-term relationship with a partner is in second. Both death and separation are experienced according to the psychological laws of living through loss. They have a lot in common, but, of course, there are also many differences, which we’ll talk about.
Thinking: men vs women
Of course, we think, feel and perceive the world differently. Just, dear women, have you ever wondered why you never hear about “single men”? It's about how they perceive periods of non-relationship. For them this is freedom! Why not also start looking at the situation from this angle?
We wonder how to learn to live alone. But it sounds somehow painful, with a slight note of sadness and suffering... Why have we stopped perceiving loneliness as a chance?
And only death will separate us...
Unfortunately, people are mortal, and sometimes they die unexpectedly. The death of a loved one is all the more traumatic the less opportunity you had to prepare for it. But in any case, the loss of a loved one is a huge stress. How does the grieving process occur in this case?
When I found out that Mark was hit by a car and died on the spot, I, of course, couldn’t believe it. Even when I visited where all this happened, when I went to the hospital, I still didn’t believe it. While at home, I either froze or began frantically looking for something. Suddenly I realized that I needed to arrange a funeral, but I had absolutely no strength for it. I drank tea from his mug and said “his” phrases. I wanted to go out through the window, but it’s good that my mother was nearby. I don’t remember much at all – they told me that later.
At the funeral I felt like I was under anesthesia - I couldn’t cry, people even wondered why I was so “calm”, but I just didn’t feel anything. For several days after the funeral, it seemed to me that I myself had died. There was no appetite, no thirst, and I didn’t want to sleep. I just wanted everyone to be left alone. Mom then took the kids away for a few days, and a friend came over to check if I had eaten anything.
Then something completely unusual began to happen - I began to hear Mark walking around the apartment, rattling his keys at the door at the usual time. Half asleep, I seemed to feel him nearby, and when I went outside, I saw him among people. I thought I was going crazy. It’s good that I came across an article in time about how such a state is normal at this moment.
After about two weeks, I realized: yes, Mark is no more. No and there won't be. I need to handle it myself. Anxiety about how to continue living gave way to anger. Thoughts came into my head that I was afraid to admit. I blamed him for “abandoning” us. “You feel good,” I thought, “but how are we now? How could you be so careless while crossing the road?!” Then she jumped to how much trouble his mother caused Mark with her claims (and he came from her). The children also got it: “if they had behaved properly, he would not have been so tired that day and would have been more attentive.” She blamed herself for a lot. I'm lucky that I have a sensitive friend. She just listened to it all several times without trying to stop me or shame me. Gradually it became easier.
Then it was as if I had fallen into a hole again, from which I emerged only after “forty days.” But at this time I could neither sleep nor eat normally. It seemed to me that life would now always be so bleak and painted in gray tones. I felt alone, truly alone. I tried to be closer to the children, to help them, but this was very difficult. And then, somewhere at the end of the second month, I suddenly felt relief. I was helped by a conversation with the priest in church, communication on the Internet with those who also lost their husbands, and several more consultations with a psychologist. I realized that this condition would not last forever, and I felt better.
I spent the next year learning to cope with my grief. Of course, sometimes it took over, and then I cried, but less and less often and not in public. I went to work and started earning good money. The children continued to study and attend their clubs. Gradually I began to notice that I wanted to put myself in order. I began to eat and sleep better. We rearranged the apartment in order to somehow update the interior, and I finally decided to remove my husband’s clothes and shoes from the “asset”. And although it was not easy for me, I still learned to live without Mark. Although in difficult moments I “turn to” him, and he “answers” me. He's in my heart.
Leah, 38 years old
How to help yourself if you find yourself in such a difficult situation? First, allow yourself to grieve. “Pull yourself together” is, of course, good, but it often leads to the fact that a woman exhausts herself in the first weeks and then for years cannot get out of a state where life seems meaningless. She cannot learn to live again, because she has stopped in the state of “I, too, seemed to have died.” Allow yourself to cry if you cry. Don’t push people away – loved ones and acquaintances. Take all the help they are willing to give. Look for help on the Internet if you are unable to communicate in direct contact. Find an opportunity to work with a psychologist. If you have children, be in the same process with them. If you want to cry, don’t hold back. Talk about the deceased, remember pleasant moments. And remember - then you will manage grief, and not vice versa.
Question answer
What do losses teach you?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
When a man or woman loses a loving person, he often cannot cope with emotions and pain. This is partly due to the habit of controlling one’s life and the lives of others, the desire to enjoy even small events, and the refusal to accept a traumatic situation. It should be the other way around: the grieving person understands that love without pain is impossible, and a person in the universe does not control the lives of others.
How to remove superstitions from your life?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
We need to turn to God. Orthodoxy, like other confessions and religions, is against superstitions. It is believed that popular beliefs are based on fears and affect base feelings - only caring for the body. A person is not only a physical shell, but also a soul. This is why this method is a lifesaver for bereaved survivors.
What should you do if it seems that the deceased person is constantly coming to you?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Most likely, this is a consequence of the constant production of memories of a loved one. If you think about someone or something for a long time, this will contribute to the effect of its presence in the room. This situation suggests the need for more active grief. In addition, frequent visions and dreams involving the deceased are the result of a tired brain.
In what direction can you adjust your love so that mental pain goes away?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
You can continue to love the deceased even after his death. But you can’t devote your whole life to memories of him. A person must have his own will. This means that if he wishes, he will be able to survive a difficult situation over time. But to do this you need to understand the problem. There is no need to give up love for the deceased, it is enough to accept the fact of his death, build your life anew, ask for help from friends, look for answers on forums, and do what you love.
How long does the feeling of loss last according to scientific concepts?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
There are several stages of grief, each lasting from one to several weeks. No one gives exact dates, because this is an exclusively individual question. As a result, the total period of grieving for the deceased can last six months or 1 year.
How to stop being afraid of death?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
It is believed that someone who has looked into the eyes of death at least once can begin to truly love life. At such moments, the awareness of unity with the universe comes, life acquires value. This is difficult for a modern person to understand, because the safest living conditions have been created. But there are more acceptable ways than becoming a hero, like a character in a comic book or film: you can take an active position in life, which will allow you to fill it with important things (serving people, having children, etc.), this will give you an understanding that after death, a particle of a person will continue to exist in others.
How to survive the pain of the death of a loved one?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
When a grieving person is left alone, it is difficult for him to cope with the pain. But still there are different possibilities. All of them contribute to the completion of the stage of active grief and the transition to a new stage. To do this, you need to leave your cozy little world, leave the house more often, communicate with people, find a reason for further existence - find a new meaning in life. This could be helping people, having a child, starting a family. Even a favorite hobby brings relief. But it is equally important to accept what happened, live your pain, and not try to drown it out.
Breaking up according to the rules
Larisa lived with her husband for about 15 years, they raised two girls. The daughters were 8 and 11 years old when Larisa’s husband left. She was on vacation in another country when he texted her to tell her that he was leaving for another woman. By the time they returned, his things were no longer in the house. Larisa seemed to have fallen into a stupor: she did not believe that this was the end. She tried to call him, then that one, then the other one. At first she waited. Then I wrote about it on social networks so that all my friends would know. She complained to his mother.
The husband was ready for only one thing - he remains a father, wants to see his daughters, and can take them on weekends. Larisa couldn’t agree to this: “If you did this, then your daughters don’t need you!” No, she didn’t forbid them to talk on the phone, but it became clear to the girls that it was better not to do this: mom would find out what dad said, then get angry and say very bad words about him, and then start crying. When dad tried to come take the girls to the movies, there was a disgusting row.
Of course, Larisa was very worried. She even closed the door to their shared bedroom, moving into the girls' room. The door to the bedroom was blocked by furniture - a chest of drawers had been placed there. “He died for all of us,” says Larisa. The girls feel very bad: one has developed asthma and often suffocates, the other has joint pain so bad that she cannot walk.
You can already see how different these grief situations are. If a person dies, his image is most often idealized. He is seen as a “saint” – an “iconostasis” made from his photographs appears in the house. If a separation occurs (even if the initiator was a woman), there is a lot of anger in the man’s attitude, and he finds a way out in various “ugly” actions, for which he is then ashamed. And the man is not dead, he reacts just as violently!
In both cases, the woman rebuilds her relationship with the man.
In the event of death, she learns that he is “in her heart,” “communicates” with him mentally, and learns in reality to do without his usual help. She leaves a place for him in her soul, gradually beginning to understand that she may have another relationship. This is a relationship not with the person himself, but with his image. As for the breakup, especially when there are children, you have to build relationships anew with all the real options for material support, communication with children, use or division of common property.
Sometimes women who come to work with the topic of separation admit: “It would be better if he died: he would grieve and that’s it. And only good things could be said to children.” For some, this thought horrifies and plunges them into guilt, but in this case the chances of building civilized relations in the future are greater. If a woman hangs around in her hatred, she transmits this to her children, who get sick, suffer and feel unhappy. After all, every child is half from mom and half from dad. If the idea is imposed that dad is bad, then you yourself, it turns out, are half bad. And this is difficult to live with.
To live on
What can you do to help yourself during the tornado of separation? To begin with , don't demand too much from yourself . You're grieving, so there's no need to show off. If you are sad, then stay in this state. If you want to cry, cry. By trusting your emotions, you will come to your senses faster.
may not immediately want to take care of yourself , and for a while you will “let yourself go.” There is no problem in this either. After a while you will feel the desire to transform and beautify yourself. This will be a good sign.
Remember that you are not in the best emotional state . And in it you can “break the wood”, which will only allow your ex to consider how right he was in breaking up with you. It is better to keep all contact to a minimum until you realize that you have come to your senses and are able to reason rationally.
Talk to someone who is willing to listen . Maybe it’s a faithful friend, a mother or a psychologist - any option will do. The main thing is that this person does not “sway” your emotions. If you feel more calm and confident after the conversation, this is a good sign. If you are seething with anger (even if righteous) and have a desire for revenge, find another interlocutor next time. But it is necessary to speak out! This could be social networks or a personal diary - the main thing is to express your feelings through words.
If you have children, try to take a civilized position . Do not interfere with communication with the father, do not interrogate the child afterwards, do not comment on how they spent their time, and do not take away gifts. No matter how difficult it is, keep the image of your father at least in a neutral way. This way you will preserve the mental and psychological health of the child. Remember that you are no longer partners, but you remain parents forever.
In conclusion, I want to say: although the two events described are the most traumatic in life, there is still light at the end of the tunnel. I once heard a wonderful allegory: imagine that there is a central column and many columns around the edges. And so you start winding the thread, and each time you throw it on the central post. And then you take out this column... It turns out that all the threads are sagging, all the connections are broken.
This happens both in the case of death and in the case of separation: you need to learn to live without him. Whether with a bright memory, or with a new system of relationships with the living, after a while you will become your own support. And then nothing will stop you from entering into a new relationship.
Photo: © BestPhotoStudio / Photobank Lori
