After my husband’s betrayal, I can’t trust him - how to move on? Is it possible to forgive betrayal

• October 18, 2019
• Psychology of relationships
• Fedorova Victoria

Losing trust is not at all difficult, but regaining it requires enormous effort. Many women, faced with a similar problem, ask a psychologist: after my husband’s betrayal, I can’t trust him. After all, when your heart is broken, it is especially difficult to restore faith in it. What is the right thing for a woman to do? She should understand and accept the fact that the family cannot be preserved in its previous form. The connection between husband and wife goes to another level, which is normal.

Why is it important to trust?

Trust is one of the internal states of a person, giving a feeling of calm and stability. It gives confidence in your other half and helps you approach business meetings with other women without jealousy. A wife who trusts her husband calmly lets him go fishing or go to the bathhouse with friends. She knows exactly where he is and will not control him with phone calls or a sudden visit. Trust is an important component of two loving hearts.

If it is destroyed, then the man has committed a serious offense. As a result, trust in the relationship is completely lost. At the same moment, confidence in the dearest and most beloved person disappears. The woman experiences pain and disappointment. It seems to her that she will never be able to trust her husband again. When there is no trust in the husband, then such a relationship cannot exist - all psychologists are sure of this. In order not to completely ruin her life and not lose the opportunity to love, a woman must understand how to live further.

If your wife cheats: 4 types of women

It is not customary to talk about this topic, especially publicly. After all, it is painful, difficult to understand and causes a flurry of emotional assessments from others. But we will try to understand the origins of the problem and understand why women cheat.

Let me give you a letter from a reader as an example.

“Larissa, there are still two weeks until we communicate on Skype, and I’m going crazy. Maybe you can write an article about my problem? I know I will be judged, there will be a lot of angry opinions, but I don’t care anymore. I am 31 years old, I am married, we have two children, they are 8 years old and 3 years old. I returned to work from maternity leave, fell in love with my boss, and cheated on her. The husband found out, forgave, and doesn’t say anything bad. But I’ve been destroying myself for a year now, I hate myself, I can’t live. How could I? I don’t understand... Yes, there were problems at home, but is that an excuse? Analyze, I beg you, the reasons for female infidelity! Help me survive!

When we talk about male infidelity, then everything is clear to us, women: he is a goat, she is a victim. And when is it the other way around? Would you say this is an exception? Meanwhile, in my work I constantly encounter female infidelities. And here we can distinguish several categories:

1. Women who cheat regularly throughout their marriage. This does not bother them and often suits the husband. They are partners and friends, but sex has not been going well for a long time, and these infidelities are committed for the sake of physical satisfaction. No long-term relationships, emotions or love. There are very few such stories, and such women do not come to a psychologist because of infidelity, mentioning them incidentally in the context of another problem.
2. Cheating with the aim of “knocking out a wedge with a wedge” - her husband cheated, she took revenge. Relationships rarely survive after this.
3. Cheating as a result of great love. As a rule, the family also breaks up and a new one is created, with the object of passion.
4. But most often wives like the author of the letter come to me. It seemed to them that they were loved, appreciated, respected, adored, but in the end they got what they deserved. In such betrayals, emotional experiences dominate, not sex. There is a lot of correspondence in them and there is a touch of romance. Such relationships have no prospects, they quickly get tired of them, but they suffer greatly when it all ends!

How to restore trust in your husband

A woman’s phrase “after my husband cheated on me, I can’t trust him” usually indicates that there are a lot of problems in the couple. This is a signal of reassessment of values ​​and rethinking of your own life.

It is advisable to avoid emotional barriers in communication, and for husband and wife to become best friends, establishing a strong connection. Then the relationship will move to a higher level. And the woman will not have a question about whether betrayal can be forgiven.

However, in this situation one should not go to extremes and replace love with psychological dependence. A woman's happiness and self-esteem are not related to her partner's fidelity. The feeling of enjoying life originates within, always in positive thoughts. Women need to respect their own interests and needs and not get hung up on men.

How to save a family when your husband cheats? The wife needs to analyze how she felt when she learned about his betrayal. Perhaps this happened due to special trust in relation to her husband. Most often, women do this unconsciously, trying to live as if behind a “stone wall.”

A mentally mature person is able to independently take responsibility for his words and actions. For him, betrayal is simply an unpleasant fact. It hurts, but life goes on.

For an insecure person, betrayal seems like a collapse and confirmation of one’s inferiority. In this case, the matter is not only in the betrayal of the husband, but also in the complexes of the woman herself.

Causes

First, try to honestly answer the question: “Why?” or “Why?” decided to cheat. There are several possible answers:

• failed to cope with strong passion. We fell in love and gave vent to our feelings. Such behavior is typical of emotional, hot-tempered, sensitive people;
• I am not satisfied with intimacy with my husband. I want more. Sometimes respect and friendly love become the basis of a marriage, and intimate relationships fade into the background. A woman is embarrassed to admit that she feels deprived of sex. And is looking for intimate relationships on the side;
• Extramarital affairs are a way to increase self-esteem. A similar situation arises in the life of a woman, burdened with caring for her husband and children, after several years of marriage. The spouse stops giving compliments, interests are limited to everyday life. A woman gradually ages and loses her attractiveness. To regain self-respect, he decides to cheat;
• a real deep feeling overtook me. Early marriage, marriage of convenience or out of fear of being left alone are rarely based on love. True feeling finds a person later. It is difficult to hide from your destined soul mate;
• tired of enduring insults, humiliation, beatings. Treason is a way to take revenge for lost hopes;
• vicious heredity. In a family where parents do not hesitate to cheat on each other, children grow up who do not know how to value loyalty and devotion;
• couldn't bear the separation. If life circumstances separate spouses for a long time, spiritual and physical intimacy is lost.
• relaxed on vacation. The sea, the sun, the lack of worries act like a drug intoxication, under the influence of which it is easy to lose vigilance;
• lost control under the influence of alcohol.

How to regain peace of mind

To understand how to restore trust in a relationship, women must realize that family life largely depends on the efforts of both partners. You should not shift all responsibility to the chosen one. Trust is a special part of love.

It is easiest for a woman to be offended, to revel in the pain and be afraid of losing contact with her husband. At the same time, you are dealing with your fears, and not solving the problem. A woman needs to leave this blaming position and let go of the past.

She needs to start living life to the fullest. Doesn't any woman deserve love and respect? You can continue to enjoy life and experiment with your appearance. Healthy selfishness has never hurt anyone.

A woman should open up to new knowledge and acquaintances. Thanks to this, her life will be filled with new meaning and relieve her of negative thoughts.

A woman should look for inspiration. You can also keep a “success diary” where you note all the good moments that happened that day. It's time to change your picture of the world.

It is important for a woman to monitor her health, which is a guarantee of her attractiveness. Over time, tragic events will become a thing of the past and will not become so traumatic.

When visiting a psychiatrist, many women ask whether cheating can be forgiven. At the same time, the husband asks for forgiveness and dreams of saving the family. How can a woman believe in his sincerity and return to her previous relationship?

What to do

Regardless of the reason for the betrayal, turmoil arises in the female soul. The same thought beats painfully: “I cheated on my husband, what should I do next?” Remain silent, pretend that nothing happened, repent or pack your things and prepare to part. In any case, the relationship with your spouse will change (perhaps for the better). Therefore, do not rush into a decision. Proceed in the following sequence:

1. Calm down.

This is probably the most difficult, but also the most necessary. To turn on your head, turn off your emotions. Try to find a way to be alone. Avoid your spouse's company under any pretext. An urgent business trip, an illness of relatives, a meeting with a friend - any, even the most incredible, explanation for escaping from home will do. Hiding from the penetrating gaze of your husband, do not make fatal mistakes:

• Don't look for sympathy from your lover. If the intimacy was not an accident, your partner is not interested in restoring peace in your family;
• do not rush to be frank with your friend. An outsider will not solve the problem, but may accidentally spill the beans;
• You shouldn’t cry into your parents’ vest. Elderly people will be upset, but they still won’t be able to help.

Try to switch gears and not look into the future. Focus on planning for tomorrow.

2. After analyzing the sensations, determine the cause.

If you think that it doesn’t matter anymore, you will make a mistake. An experienced doctor treats not the symptoms of the disease, but the origins. This is the only way to avoid complications.

If female infidelity in marriage is a consequence of a faded feeling, the rudeness of a spouse, or new love, it is necessary to confess. Family life is over. Don't try to fix a broken cup. Divorce is an unpleasant matter, but inevitable in such a situation.

If betrayal is an annoying accident that you don’t want to remember, try to forget what happened, like a bad dream, and return to your old life.

3. Get tested.

To avoid unpleasant consequences, you need to check your health. Communication with a casual partner, acquaintance, or even a friend can be dangerous. If you become infected, immediately go to the gynecologist.

4. Take a pregnancy test.

Don't rely on contraception. There are no rules without exceptions. The sooner you identify the problem, the easier the solution will be. An unexpected pregnancy discovered at a late stage will seriously complicate the situation. It will not be possible to keep the betrayal a secret and a break with your husband will be the inevitable end.

If you act according to the plan, the panic will disappear. And the answer to the frightening question: “I cheated on my husband, what to do next?” will seem solvable.

Why does betrayal occur in a family?

In all situations, it is not recommended to resolve the issue rashly. A woman needs to be quiet for some time. And also find out what is the reason for the betrayal.

Sometimes the wife herself is guilty of betraying her husband. However, she has no idea about it. When he declares that after his husband’s betrayal he cannot trust him, then you need to find out the reasons for this situation.

The main reasons for cheating include:

1. When a woman gets married, she stops taking care of her appearance. Nobody demands an ideal figure, but more than 100 kg is too much.
2. A woman stops taking care of her clothes and hairstyle. It is much more pleasant to live with a well-groomed and beautiful wife. To do this, it is not necessary to visit beauty salons. It is important not to walk around the house in a torn robe and with disheveled curls.
3. It is worth evaluating your behavior. If quarrels and scandals constantly occur in the family, then even love will not save you from betrayal.
4. Jealousy is a dangerous feeling. If you interrogate your husband about women every day, this can also push him to cheat. After all, then the scandals will be justified.

To strengthen family relationships, it is important for a woman to show her love and fidelity. But this should not be done too intrusively.

Why do husbands cheat? In this situation, the woman needs to calm down and let her husband talk if he wants to explain. You shouldn't decide everything for him. All quarrels between partners are the mistakes of both. This also applies to betrayal. A woman needs to listen to all her husband’s arguments, and only then make a decision.

Is it necessary to forgive betrayal?

Women ask psychologists whether it is possible to forgive betrayal and how to continue to trust their husband. You can decide whether to forgive or not after a one-on-one conversation. Women should not seek outside advice. This will affect the situation negatively and will not give the correct answer. After all, it is easy to completely break off a family relationship, but the husband’s return to the family may not happen.

If a woman can calmly assess the current situation, she will try to listen to her husband. By doing this she will raise herself in his eyes. After reconciliation, partners can even take a short vacation together. This will help you understand your feelings more accurately. And a woman will be able to understand whether or not she has trust in her husband.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving betrayal is not an easy step. Accepting and understanding the action will help you heal from trauma, understand yourself, and restore self-esteem. It is important not to confuse forgiveness with a desperate desire to save a dying relationship.

The best option is to break up, but without anger or resentment towards your ex.

These feelings poison life, interfere with the formation of new relationships, and constantly remind you of the fact of betrayal, so you need to get rid of them.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Tips to help you forgive and survive betrayal:

• Accept betrayal as a fait accompli. To sincerely forgive your partner, you need to stop looking for excuses and hope that the relationship will incredibly return to its previous course. Instead, a person should come to terms with the act and understand whether he is ready for forgiveness.
• Don't hide your feelings. A frank conversation with the offender will help not only to understand the reasons for what happened, but also to ease the pain and gain emotional release. After hearing the traitor's version of events, a person will more easily understand the motives of his actions.
• Refuse to play the victim. Cheating is a serious offense that cannot be justified, but two people are responsible for any discord in a relationship. To forgive a partner, a person needs to analyze his own actions, admit his part of the guilt (but without self-flagellation and removing responsibility from the traitor).
• Move away. Distance yourself from the traitor, stop thinking about him, emotionally invest in other people - children, parents, friends, a new passion. Then the pain from betrayal will subside, attachment to the “criminal” will disappear, and it will become easier to forgive him.

Forgiveness should not be forced - it must come from the soul. If a person does not want or cannot stop blaming his partner for this act, he should also come to terms with this.

The easiest way is to forgive your own betrayal.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

© Kristina Kofta

How to get rid of the fear of cheating again

If a woman has decided to save her family, then she needs to trust her husband again. First, she must learn to control her feelings. A woman often has a feeling of fear that this situation may happen again.

How to learn to trust your husband after cheating? To do this you need to do the following:

1. A woman should distract herself from such thoughts. She can go to the pool or gym. Communicate with friends more often. But you shouldn't start talking about treason. This will not allow emotions to cool down and will traumatize the soul.
2. A woman can occupy herself with a hobby. This could be knitting, embroidery, reading books. She needs to change her style and hairstyle.
3. You can engage in your self-development. Read fiction and scientific literature.
4. The most important rule for a woman is to love and respect herself. This will raise her in the eyes of others.
5. A woman should try not to be jealous of her husband, but give him freedom. Let him be afraid of losing his wife, who behaved wisely and at the same time looks wonderful.
6. If a woman cannot cope with the current situation on her own, then it is best for her to consult a psychologist. This way you can solve the problem faster.

It is such a woman who will be able to attract attention to herself, and not a lady who is depressed. Seeing the changes that have happened to her, the husband will value his wife more.

Is it necessary to take revenge?

Betrayal causes resentment, rage, and anger in people, which gives rise to a desire for revenge. The result of this is retaliatory betrayal, quarrels, and manipulation. In married couples, children suffer from parental scandals and are used as tools for “payback.” In rare cases, it comes to criminal offenses.

The desire for revenge after betrayal is understandable, but deeply destructive. Inflicting reciprocal pain on a former partner brings a short release, followed by new unpleasant experiences. This leads to mental disorders and loss of the ability to enjoy normal activities. Therefore, you should not deliberately take revenge on a traitor.

The best revenge on an unfaithful person is to leave the relationship with dignity and find happiness without him.

To do this, you need to engage in self-development, career, appearance, make new acquaintances, friends, boyfriends. This will help you cope with a breakup, get rid of complexes and feelings of guilt, increase your self-esteem, and learn to love yourself again.

How to forget your husband's cheating

When a woman complains that after her husband’s betrayal she cannot trust him, then she should learn to accept his apology. This will help her in the future. Apologies can be expressed in the form of regular help with housework, flowers, and walks around the city.

In some cases, the cheating husband feels much worse than the betrayed spouse. It gets much harder for him. After all, he practically destroyed the family.

After reconciliation, you should live in the present and not remember past mistakes. Forgiving your husband's infidelity is a wise decision that only a strong woman can make.

After all, such situations happen in many families. And not all women are able to forgive, but only some. Sometimes this makes the family stronger, and the husband begins to appreciate his wise wife.

Sometimes you need to be friends

How to behave after your husband cheats? Women often ask themselves this question. Psychologists advise, after a surge of emotions, to express to the spouses everything that specifically does not suit them. This is done in order to prevent repeated betrayals.

If a woman has decided to forgive a man and save her family, then at first it is best for them to be best friends. After betrayal, you should not blame your husband for all mortal sins. It should not be forgotten that a decision has been made to start the relationship again. It's best not to touch on the past.

How to strengthen relationships

To build trust in a relationship, spouses need to spend more time with each other. If you don't have a vacation planned, you can travel on weekends. At this time, a woman will be able to discover new character traits of her husband.

From time to time, thoughts about betrayal will pop up. Especially initially. Spouses should not start a conversation about this. As a result, all efforts will go to waste and the family will fall apart.

If a woman doesn’t know whether cheating can be forgiven, then the most ideal option is to cross out the past. It is best to start your married life anew. And try not to make mistakes that served as a reason for betrayal. Ideally, the couple can have another honeymoon.