Darkness, emptiness, melancholy, hopelessness - this is how people most often define the situation when talking about the betrayal of their husband or wife. “I will never forgive you. Treason is the end, I’ll leave right away,” theorists of the issue most often say. When it comes to practice, thoughts change. I don't make excuses for traitors. I want to help those who had to find out about their partner's betrayal.
Why do husband and wife cheat? Reasons for cheating
- The most common reason, common for men and women, is lack of love. The second half is busy with work, children, friends; no time for each other, impossible to have a dialogue, no sex - the most common components that make up this cocktail. At this moment, a person becomes an easy victim: a nice girl will pay attention, smile, say: “You are the smartest, kindest, sexiest”... Or vice versa - a man will come across who will talk about “amazing eyes, lips” and so on. In such a situation, there is something to work with, you can save your family.
- The second reason is that we didn’t have enough fun. There are no special excuses here, but there is hope that you will have some fun.
- They cheat for new sensations: they have become bored, they are not attracted to their husband (wife), they want something different. Utopian option. As a rule, the saying “An old horse does not spoil the furrow” is remembered too late.
- A new love breaks out - there’s nothing to talk about, anything can happen.
Harsh statistics say that 70% of men and 50% of women cheat at least once in their lives. Moreover, most of them regret it, they do not want the betrayal to happen again or for half of them to find out about it.
Men are more likely to cheat due to physical attraction . But it is important to remember that in betrayal, as in any problem in family life, both are always to blame. Look at yourself in the mirror, remember your conversations over the week, think about the last time you had sex. Do you know the date exactly? That is, he is on schedule, by mutual agreement, in agreed upon positions?
Not guilty, you say? Men need sex. They have not given birth, their hormones are normal, and at some point their brain descends into the organ between their legs. This means that you either have to live taking this into account, or not look for evidence of male infidelity, especially if you are not ready to find it!
Women cheat with their ears . It is so important for them to hear about their uniqueness, originality, to receive gifts and romantic messages from fans. Women want to be loved. If men read this, they will say: “Yeah, they want money, an apartment, and a car.” This is true! But practice shows that without love, or rather, without manifestations of this love, it is difficult for a woman. And as soon as there is a man who admires her, she will hardly resist. And sex is more of an inevitability that occurs on the initiative of the admirer.
Tips for rebuilding relationships
Everyone makes mistakes. Recommendations and advice from psychologists can help during such a difficult period:
- Think about whether you can forget the past and build a future relationship with your soul mate. If the spouse is a vindictive person who can hold a grudge for a long time, then the opportunity to save the marriage is minimal.
- Try to approach the situation as rationally as possible, as if it had happened to another person.
- Let go of emotions, analyze everything.
- Understand your guilt. Try to understand what motivated the wife. If in the depths of your soul you can at least partially justify infidelity, this is a good sign.
- Write down for yourself all the pros and cons.
Thanks to expert recommendations on how to act in such a difficult situation, men will certainly be ready to find the right ways to resolve the issue. It should be remembered that it is difficult to remain faithful for a long time, especially if there are problems in the couple. Honest dialogue, work on yourself, informed decisions and actions will help you find the right path. Infidelity by wives and husbands has dire consequences for a marriage, but even this can survive.
Treason: is it possible to save a family?
In fact, a very common option is not physical, but emotional betrayal: correspondence with “objects” on social networks, SMS, fantasies. And we can’t say that this is a safe option. A serious feeling often grows out of it, and then it is difficult to save the family.
Is it worth it? Everyone decides for themselves. Most try to save the marriage, and, I must say, successfully. Couples need to find a reason and talk it out. You have to survive the insult and be able to move on. And after everything has been clarified, discussed and an end has been put, it is strictly forbidden to return to this topic! If every day is everything, it’s a dead end, you can’t get out of it.
The traitor must realize, draw conclusions and never repeat such actions! Otherwise, it’s also a dead end. Option one - put yourself in the place of your half, imagine an avalanche of this destructive pain... And even better - imagine these feelings before a destructive thought enters your head. Because of lust and whim, you can lose everything that is truly valuable in life.
Betrayal can be forgiven and survived if there is love and respect. You should not share this with anyone you know. They will definitely remind you later and give a lot of emotional advice. It is better to consult a psychologist or specialist. After all, your friends will almost certainly tell you: “But I will never forgive!” But they are not the ones in your place now.
Talk about what happened
After you have taken the necessary pause, try to think about how you will live next. Remember: no one can make this important decision for you. What to do after your wife betrays you? Under no circumstances should you run away from this problem. You must understand that it will not resolve on its own. Experts in the field of family relationships recommend talking to your other half about what happened. If your emotions have subsided, you do not start the conversation with a showdown and a scandal, you can achieve quite good results. A conversation with your wife will help you free yourself from the oppressive feelings of guilt, despair and incredible pain. During the dialogue, try to analyze what kind of behavior of you or your partner could lead to such a situation. Try to give up accusations and insults for a while. Reveal to your wife the full depth of your inner experiences, and do not hesitate to express your own feelings: if you are worried and suffering, tell your wife about it.
If your wife cheats: 4 types of women
It is not customary to talk about this topic, especially publicly. After all, it is painful, difficult to understand and causes a flurry of emotional assessments from others. But we will try to understand the origins of the problem and understand why women cheat.
Let me give you a letter from a reader as an example.
“Larissa, there are still two weeks until we communicate on Skype, and I’m going crazy. Maybe you can write an article about my problem? I know I will be judged, there will be a lot of angry opinions, but I don’t care anymore. I am 31 years old, I am married, we have two children, they are 8 years old and 3 years old. I returned to work from maternity leave, fell in love with my boss, and cheated on her. The husband found out, forgave, and doesn’t say anything bad. But I’ve been destroying myself for a year now, I hate myself, I can’t live. How could I? I don’t understand... Yes, there were problems at home, but is that an excuse? Analyze, I beg you, the reasons for female infidelity! Help me survive!
When we talk about male infidelity, then everything is clear to us, women: he is a goat, she is a victim. And when is it the other way around? Would you say this is an exception? Meanwhile, in my work I constantly encounter female infidelities. And here we can distinguish several categories:
- Women who cheat regularly throughout their marriage. This does not bother them and often suits the husband. They are partners and friends, but sex has not been going well for a long time, and these infidelities are committed for the sake of physical satisfaction. No long-term relationships, emotions or love. There are very few such stories, and such women do not come to a psychologist because of infidelity, mentioning them incidentally in the context of another problem.
- Cheating with the aim of “knocking out a wedge with a wedge” - her husband cheated, she took revenge. Relationships rarely survive after this.
- Cheating as a result of great love. As a rule, the family also breaks up and a new one is created, with the object of passion.
- But most often wives like the author of the letter come to me. It seemed to them that they were loved, appreciated, respected, adored, but in the end they got what they deserved. In such betrayals, emotional experiences dominate, not sex. There is a lot of correspondence in them and there is a touch of romance. Such relationships have no prospects, they quickly get tired of them, but they suffer greatly when it all ends!
When can you forgive4
Relationships are always contact between two people. This means that after the wife’s betrayal, both spouses will have to work on restoring the family.
Psychologists advise saving the marriage if the following parameters are observed:
- the man still feels strong love for his unfaithful chosen one;
- the husband sees his wife’s sincere repentance, forgives her, is ready to let go of this pain and not remember the betrayal in quarrels;
- a woman is ready to be punished for infidelity, she can impose sanctions on herself without waiting for her husband’s decision;
- the spouse undertakes to stop communicating with her lover, as well as with all other men (with the exception of relatives);
- the wife is ready to pay more attention to the children, home, and her husband.
Cheating on your husband: what next?
Statistically, women experience much more severe remorse after cheating than men. And they often go with this feeling of guilt to a specialist. This is truly one of the best ways to help yourself.
- If you want to deal with this yourself, then look for and analyze the reasons! It will become easier.
- Whether or not to talk about cheating on your husband, I cannot decide for you, but you can ask for his forgiveness both in thoughts and in actions. This will make it easier for you.
- If you are a believer, contact a pastor, this often helps.
- Be careful with confessions to friends and relatives; very often such confessions turn against you.
- Prevention is everything! Talk to your husband, have a constant dialogue, don’t be silent. Dear men, please communicate with your wives! After all, sometimes you can lose a loved one because of stupidity.
- Be sure to rest! Lack of rest and constant stay “within four walls” throws you into the arms of the first person who calls you.
- Men, speak kind words to women. After all, they love with their ears. Even a message once a day with a kind word is already good!
- Live each other’s lives, share your partner’s interests, be interested in his work. You should be united by something other than children.
- If an “accident” happens, still try to maintain the relationship. This is possible if you are important and need each other.
- There is no need to categorically assert that betrayal cannot be forgiven, that to forgive means not to respect yourself. Only very wise and strong people are capable of forgiveness. They deserve great respect!
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness
Sometimes there is a misconception that only weaklings and wimps who do not value themselves as men forgive. Actually this is not true.
Anyone can be angry and offended; it doesn’t require much intelligence. But only a few can find the strength to forgive.
Forgiveness is an incredibly powerful and healing response to betrayal.
If we consider forgiveness at a basic level, then it is the replacement of ill will towards a person with indifference.
You leave the role of a victim and are no longer in captivity of the offender.
Try to reframe forgiveness as an opportunity to improve your life rather than condoning bad behavior.
Esoteric psychology and sexology
Any sexual contact is always an energy exchange , therefore, when a third person appears in the relationship, there is an energy failure in the system of each of the partners.
Esoterics knows stories when such an infusion of alien energy becomes a catalyst, and something new, unknown is revealed .
There is almost the same probability that a failure can occur in the negative direction. Then the wife, reproaching herself for what she has done, will simply be incapable of living a full life with her husband.
Sexology is more tolerant of this issue, since the moral side of the issue fades into the background. Here, the priority is to meet your own needs and the needs of your partner.
Therefore, when she has to get something missing from the side, her husband is considered to be to blame for not being able to give it to her.
Perhaps forbidden sex compensates a woman for the lack of vivid emotions
When is it better to let go?
- If the chosen one’s promises to remain faithful are repeatedly broken;
- the cheating spouse does not want to establish an intimate life with her legal partner or avoids sex altogether;
- a woman does not want to give birth to a child, although her husband asks her to do so;
- the reason for his wife’s betrayal was a strong love affair that lasted a long time;
- the wife denied it, did not confess to her husband about the vicious relationship, contrary to the facts, or is not going to confess, although the husband has long known about the betrayal;
- the woman does not want to break off relations with her lover, does not delete his contacts on social networks, does not allow her husband to take her phone, continues to relax without her husband, hides her whereabouts;
- the wife behaves hysterically, turns the children against her husband, and herself talks about divorce.
Should you forgive your wife after cheating? Everyone must answer this question for themselves. If this misfortune has happened to you, know that you are not alone. A way out can be found from any situation.
Is it worth knowing who the lover is
The desire to control everything is a typically male trait. It is because of this that there may be a desire to get to the bottom of the truth and find out who exactly her lover is.
You can do this if you are really ready to fight for your lady love and defend your territory to the end. In all other cases, you should not insist on a personal meeting. Don’t forget that there is a possibility that the comparison will not be in your favor: and then how to live with it?
It is more important not to find out the name of a lover, but to understand what a woman receives next to him and does not receive in the family: care, gifts or self-realization
