How to make a husband respect his wife and be afraid of losing her: 5 practical tips from psychologists

In this article we will tell you:

1. A woman's contribution to her husband's loss of respect for her
2. If the reason is in the husband
3. Shows of disrespect
4. How to make the right decision
5. How can a woman regain her self-respect?
6. When does it make sense to fight for a relationship?
7. 5 practical tips from psychologists

Respect is a basic need for everyone. And of course, each of us strives to create relationships in which this need will be satisfied. But one of the top requests, especially after the pandemic, that were addressed to a psychologist was: “How to restore respect in a couple?” We talked about this with psychologists.

A woman's contribution to her husband's loss of respect for her

If someone shows us a disrespectful attitude, namely: is rude, violates boundaries, behaves tactlessly, and maybe even humiliates us, this may not be our fault.

In normal human relationships, respect is inherent from the very beginning. If we are wondering where it is our fault that a person does not respect us, we should figure out where “unhealthy wings grow” from such logic.

Maybe we are now in a not entirely “healthy” relationship? Or did someone once upon a time inspire us that we have no value in ourselves? Respect in a relationship (mutual, of course) should always be there. And period!

“We often understand “respect” as “admiration” or “reward,” comments psychologist Leonid Kulik. - When we meet any other person, we encounter Another. It is with a capital letter, as philosophers and psychologists like to write, emphasizing the absolute difference. Even if this is a very close person, and we have a lot in common, he will definitely have sides, actions, opinions that are alien to us. Sometimes radical. And in this he/she is that same Other. In order to be in a relationship and calmly endure our differences, we need respect for the other.

“How can I respect him/her?! Let him earn my respect first!” — the message is fundamentally wrong. Respect is not about admiration or reward for merit. It's about the reality principle. To respect is to reckon with a fact.

3 important steps

which every woman should go through

Anika Snagovskaya

Author and presenter of women's trainings on harmonizing feminine energy. Master of removing limiting beliefs and master of constellations.

I have prepared three lessons for you that will help you better understand yourself, remove the restrictions that prevent you from feeling loved and living happily.

01

Video lesson with meditation: 5 states of femininity

You will learn about 5 female states that exist in every woman, how they manifest themselves and which archetypes are most manifested in you and which are not developed.

02

Video lesson + meditation: How to let go of past relationships

I’ll tell you what you need to do to free your heart from old feelings and break the energy threads connecting you with your past partner.

03

Audio recording: Neuro-af

Thanks to this neuro-affirmation, you can regain self-love and feel sincere gratitude and happiness for every day.

✕

Top 3 useful materials that will help you know yourself better

And start a new, happy life for yourself.

Video lesson with meditation: 5 states of femininity

Video lesson + meditation: How to let go of past relationships

Audio recording: Neuro-af

Take your gifts!

Just as the Other deserves our respect by virtue of his existence, so we ourselves deserve respect. And if we do not regularly receive respect from someone, it seems that he is denying us the reality of our existence. And if we don’t treat someone with respect, we deny the fact of their reality.”

Of course, in long-term relationships there are different situations. Sometimes we behave terribly, we can say all sorts of SUCH things to each other, for which we later become very ashamed. Then we apologize, talk, make peace. This is the norm. It is important that we do not get used to being rude to each other and do not make this style of communication the main one. If we don’t communicate with our husband in the style of: “Hey, you loser, come here!” — we have every chance of success in maintaining respectful relationships. And we repeat once again: we can treat a person differently, even get into a big fight with him. You can destroy a relationship, but continue to treat each other with respect.

Mistaken Tactics of Women

In the desire to become valuable and significant for their spouse, ladies resort to manipulations that may work at first, but then will lead to even greater discord or even divorce.

Representatives of the stronger sex are far from being as stupid as girls think, and they subtly sense when their feelings are being played with and manipulated. Therefore, if you do not want to lead your marriage to collapse, avoid the techniques described below.

1. Attempts to induce jealousy

Wanting to teach their loved one to treat themselves the way they want, women often begin to flirt with other men. They come home with bouquets of flowers, smiling mysteriously, or stay late at work.

It is important to understand that this can achieve the opposite effect. Manipulation and jealousy will not add value to you in the eyes of your partner; on the contrary, he will stop trusting you, and unnecessary suspicions will begin. And someone may even change in response.

1. Blackmail

You will not achieve anything good if you blackmail your husband with a divorce or by going to live with your parents. After several threats, your loved one will no longer take your words seriously, and you as a person will lose significance for him.

Think about it, is it possible to love a person who threatens and blackmails even more? Of course not. On the contrary, it will lead to more serious problems in the marriage.

1. Ignoring my husband

Ignoring is a harsh method of emotional manipulation that is harmful to both the victim and the manipulator. In this way, you will only get aggression in response or completely break your partner as a person.

If you stop paying attention to your husband sexually, constantly denying him intimacy and hoping to “punish” him in this way, then be prepared for the fact that after a while he will have a mistress.

1. Scandals and hysterics

Many ladies who are not versed in psychology and do not know how to properly teach a husband to respect and appreciate his wife begin to create scandals and hysterics. But this technique not only does not work, but also leads to indifference on the part of the spouse, and then to aggression.

Maybe after the first hysteria, your loved one will change his behavior, but not for long. And if scandals and tears with reproaches are repeated again and again, he will begin to treat you as a frivolous person who is constantly annoying and “blows your mind.”

Shows of disrespect

A family quarrel, even the most heated one, is not the same as a manifestation of disrespect. You can shout, you can even break dishes, but at the same time do not cross the boundaries of a respectful relationship. Do not stop seeing and accepting the other with his otherness. But what then is considered a disrespectful attitude, and how can it manifest itself?

Attention! The following list should not become a guide to categorical self-diagnosis and a call for immediate severance of relationships. This is just a reason to think about whether it’s time to properly sort out the relationship and talk to each other.

Advice from psychologists

1. The status of the one and only must always be maintained. If a man ceases to realize what value is in his hands, then what kind of respect can we talk about?
2. Spouses should spend more time together. Of course, if the husband lies on the sofa and reads the newspaper, and the wife sits and watches TV, then this is called side by side, but a family dinner with a conversation about the past day is together.
3. There is no need to be shy about talking about your feelings. Men tend to express their emotions in action, and therefore a woman should understand that such actions are confirmation of her husband’s respect for her.
4. A woman is the weaker sex and there is no need to forget nails in the closet or change light bulbs. Don’t carry heavy bags from the market, ask for help, who will take care of you if not you yourself. Be a little more cunning and affectionate, don’t spoil your husband, make him appreciate and respect the woman!
5. There is no need to escalate a petty quarrel into a serious conflict and divorce. Maybe your husband came home from work tired, and therefore didn’t see your new hairstyle or eyebrows. These are banal examples, but sometimes such little things drive a woman crazy and provoke family conflicts.
6. If everything was great yesterday, but today it’s bad, we need to look together for the reason for this phenomenon. You can’t leave it to chance and you can’t get rid of the problem yourself either. Maybe a woman has begun to have a consumerist attitude towards her husband, she is only interested in money, then what kind of self-respect can we talk about?
7. Always look after yourself, be on top, then the man will never look the other way and dare not offend you. Then sexual relations will be in order, and the husband’s disposition will be at the proper level.
8. No fortune tellers or love spells can restore the relationship and make the husband respect his wife. Such a decision cannot be considered as salvation, because fortune tellers are also people with mercantile interests, information for you, and money for me.
9. To make your husband respect you, educate yourself. If you don’t have a job, find one, sign up for a massage course or learn a foreign language, get a driver’s license, show your spouse that you are a strong and confident woman, then he is unlikely to offend you!
10. Try not to waste money. Manage your household affairs competently, keep your home and body in order, prepare meals, don’t be lazy, invent, fantasize, so that your husband flies home like on wings, and doesn’t stay late at work talking with his secretary.

How to make the right decision

Not a single article in a magazine or a single psychologist can make a decision for us. Personal relationships are a private matter between two people. If we see or feel that not everything is going smoothly, this is a reason to try to start working together.

You can contact a family psychologist, you can try to figure it out yourself. After all, another person may have a completely different picture of what is happening and his own “black list” of our mistakes and gaps.

Don’t look for clues in pop psychology articles titled “7 Signs of a Perverted Narcissist.” If we have already reached the desired emotional condition, we will definitely find these signs even in our cat.

How to teach your husband to be jealous and afraid of losing, and is this necessary?

Jealousy can improve relationships in the following cases:

1. The couple have been together for a long time, the husband is not afraid of losing his wife.
2. Having a mistress.
3. Feelings cooled.

What to do if you decide to make your husband jealous:

• Be unavailable. Miss some calls. Appear busy and enthusiastic.
• Look beautiful, bright. Update your wardrobe, do your hair and makeup. Tell your husband that you are trying exclusively for him.
• Bring the flowers home calmly , say that you gave them, do not say the name of the giver.

Advice! If the husband cheats, then the only way to awaken jealousy is the appearance of a gentleman nearby.

How can a woman regain her self-respect?

First let's look at why this respect may be lost.

“The main thing we are taught is to respect adults,” says psychoanalyst Natalya Oblakevich. - Respect means speaking respectfully, calling adults “you”, not raising your voice, watching your words and tone... all this is understandable, familiar to everyone, and at the same time nothing is clear...

Why should younger people respect their elders? Isn't it the other way around? Why can adults shout, blame, and sometimes even physically punish... Is this respectful? When a child is treated in this way, he seems to make a decision: “When I grow up, I will force myself to respect” or “When I grow up, I will build a respectful relationship with my partner.”

What to do in case of a quarrel?

If a quarrel could not be avoided, take a step towards reconciliation first.
The wife should use the recommendations to eliminate conflicts:

• Control your emotions: take a breath, hold your breath, count to 20.
• Speak respectfully, without insults. Be patient and kind.
• Share your experiences with your partner more often. Use phrases: “I feel...”, “I feel unpleasant...”, etc.
• Look for compromises.

Advice! If a quarrel cannot be avoided, take the first step towards reconciliation. Show your willingness to give in.

When does it make sense to fight for a relationship?

There cannot be a single correct answer here; each case is individual. We can only say that it is not worth fighting for a relationship in which there is physical and emotional abuse. All other options are up to the couple. If both partners believe that they need to fight for the relationship, we can only wish them a speedy victory and the least losses. And most importantly, let this struggle be specifically for relationships, but not turn into a struggle with each other or with yourself! And to make it easier to achieve victory, you can take note of several useful “fighting techniques”; we list the main 5.

What to do if nothing helps?

If you have accepted part of the responsibility for harmonizing family life and have done everything that depends on you, but there are no changes on the part of your loved one, try to adequately assess the situation.

First, look at what is happening in the family of the faithful, especially pay attention to how his father treats his mother. If the mistress of the house is not treated at all, taking her for a maid who cleans, cooks and washes, then their son will behave the same way with you, taking this behavior as a model. Such a person can be corrected only if he is sufficiently conscious and understands that he is doing wrong.

Hidden psychological problems can also contribute to this behavior. This is usually expressed in aggression and tyranny. You cannot change such a person by any means, and living with him under the same roof is dangerous for both the woman and the children.

If your partner often drinks, gambles or uses drugs, this also means that you will not be able to improve the situation and it is better to seriously think about divorce.

Can fortune tellers help solve the problem?

Women often visit sorcerers and healers.

Popular verdicts - evil eye, damage, love spell. The fortune teller has a good understanding of people and analyzes the visitor’s likely difficulties, often associated with men. She programs the visitor with certain information; the woman believes in the well-being of the family.

Advice! Don't go to fortune tellers, don't waste time and money. It is simply stupid to expect that your husband will respect you after the ritual has been performed and the potion has been drunk.

Is it possible to force it?

We are treated exactly as we allow ourselves to be treated. You can change your husband’s behavior even in the most “neglected” situations, but you won’t be able to achieve this with scandals and insults .

First of all, think about it: do you consider yourself worthy of respect? If yes, then for what qualities and achievements? Only a self-sufficient person can achieve respect from others. Therefore, it is so important to realize your own value, achieve your goals, and constantly develop. Make yourself happy and love yourself, find time to take care of yourself and communicate with nice people, look for inspiration in activities you enjoy.

A self-respecting, happy woman will not live in an atmosphere of disrespect. And the man next to her will most likely begin to show respect and admiration. If this does not happen, think about whether you really need this relationship?

Causes

Before trying to deal with the disrespect of a loved one, it is worth thinking about the possible reasons for such behavior.

• Perhaps rudeness and disrespect were the norm in the family of the husband's parents or in relations with his previous girlfriend. Or, with his uncompromisingness, the spouse is simply trying to show “who’s boss.” If this is so, then he will try to transfer the usual pattern of behavior into his family, and it will take a lot of effort to change the situation.
• Disrespect can also be a symptom of a more serious problem, such as a cheating husband. By deliberately irritating his wife and provoking scandals in the family, a man can subconsciously “relieve” himself of guilt by justifying his behavior.
• Sadly, often the reason for a husband's disrespect is his wife's behavior. It happens that in family life women become picky and intolerant, instead of support and approval they give their husband grievances and complaints. Having married a blossoming and happy girl, a man expects to see his wife like this in his daily life. And if in a short period of time that same girl turns into an overweight and eternally dissatisfied woman in an old robe, then the appearance of a disrespectful attitude on the part of her husband is a matter of time.
• A man can behave disrespectfully and aggressively simply due to physiological characteristics. Thus, fatigue from work or health problems can cause irritability and rudeness of the spouse.

Can a tyrant husband learn to respect his wife?

There can only be a negative answer here, since the causes of domestic tyranny in many cases are not only psychological:

• alcohol and drug abuse. Here you need the help of not only a psychiatrist, but also special doctors. To protect yourself from such a husband, you need to file a statement against him with law enforcement agencies, having prepared in advance for excesses. It should be remembered that in conflicts with a tyrant husband who is not aware of his actions and is ready for any provocation, it is pointless to wait for support by calling psychological help numbers. Only the Police will help here, there are no other options;
• schizophrenia, delirium tremens and other mental disorders. Here, too, the woman herself cannot cope, no matter how hard you try. In addition, a complete change in behavior cannot be achieved even in a hospital: the disease can only be suppressed for a while, so the best solution is to leave.

If you feel sorry for your spouse because he has become part of your life, then you need to help from a distance, the main thing is to save the children from contact with the sick person.

Is it possible to teach him a lesson for disrespect?

Wives often use the following methods to influence their husbands:

• Ignore.
• Leaving for the night in another room, refusing sex.
• “Mirroring”: if he went for a walk, it means he can meet with his friends.
• Failure to perform household duties (refusal to cook, clean, babysit, etc.).

Advice! These techniques can only worsen the situation, so resorting to them is not recommended.

Is there really no respect?

The wedding day is in the past, the euphoria of the honeymoon has passed, everyday life has begun, and all sorts of difficulties have appeared. The hot passion was replaced by coolness, or even a harsh winter set in in the relationship between the spouses.

Women, being more sensitive by nature, are the first to begin to feel emotional cold. It seems to the wife that her husband no longer loves her, she looks for signs of him cooling off towards her and stresses herself out more and more. Is it really that bad and is it possible to somehow fix it? Can! But first you need to figure out whether the problem actually exists and, if so, whether something is worth fixing.

I want to analyze the woman's letter. I receive a lot of such letters with various nuances of situations. They all share the same mistakes in understanding the situation. Using this letter as an example, I will show the main dead ends that women come to.

Please note that when describing in detail the details of his personal perception of the situation, the author does not mention anywhere that he is trying to understand his husband’s internal motives and respects his opinion. This is one of the important mistakes of the author of the letter; it probably played a big role at the initial stage of the relationship. The author does not try to look at herself and the situation through the eyes of her husband.

The author's main problem is that she focuses her attention on something that means very little - she is trying to understand some cunning way of influencing a man. In small areas that interest her. How to get the right gift, attention, help? How to react so that you are not treated THIS way? Perhaps this is the most important mistake of the author of the letter - the belief that by keeping the general state of affairs unchanged, you can simply learn to answer deftly (or deftly reproach your husband) or distance yourself correctly in order to re-educate the man. Hence the attempts to understand how a friend or other women control their husband, and what to do in a given situation.

There is no way to understand this, you need to see the main thing - the relationship is bad and in such a relationship it is impossible to control the husband. There are no women's secrets or special techniques. There is no such way at all. And you need to get out of the relationship a little, at least psychologically separate yourself, in order to have a chance to change the relationship. The important thing is not to CHANGE the husband, but to change the relationship between husband and wife.

The answer lies in a completely different plane, not in the one that the author is looking for; this answer cannot be found in simple recipes like - stop ironing shirts and tell your husband to say three letters when he is wrong. And he will carry you in his arms, just as he carries your girlfriend. In this situation, the husband will not carry him in his arms, he will leave altogether if the author behaves this way.

Below I will try to explain using examples from the letter.

So, the letter:

Elizaveta, hello! Please comment on the behavior of men. I have two daughters in my family, 3 and 5 years old, and have been married for 8 years. March 26 was my birthday, 35 years old. My husband knew that I wanted a dishwasher as a gift, and I asked for it for the New Year. But he is against it, because it will be necessary to make changes to the kitchen in order to install it. I have money, I just feel sorry for the kitchen.

Don’t you feel sorry for me, my time and my hands? Silent. We have constant scandals over dishes. I saw this as a way out.

Here the woman shows what she obviously does with her husband very often. She tries to dictate what she needs. In response, as we will see below, the husband gives less and less.

Buying large appliances that require a kitchen remodel should, of course, be a joint family decision. The heroine of the letter obviously did not pay much attention to her husband’s opinion. The husband, in turn, may not consider washing dishes a feat. And it is quite obvious that he does not like the demands and pressure on his feelings (which, by the way, does not exist; he really does not feel sorry for his wife in terms of dishes).

I think that the demands of just such a gift, the pressure in this area, pushed my husband to completely ignore his birthday in the end. No, the author would not have received a luxurious gift and some kind of cascade of surprises in any case, but she probably would not have received complete ignorance either. Although the husband, as will be seen below, behaves very indifferently and distantly, using the example with the gift we can see that his position is largely the result of pressure and traditional female “nawing.”

I would suggest that the author of the letter remember the traditions of receiving a gift. They don’t ask for a gift, much less demand it. And they delicately wait for what the person HIMSELF wants to give. Demanding a gift is nonsense, asking for approximately the same thing. If this is a family purchase, then discuss it as equals. If it's a gift, wait in silence.

The children don’t go to kindergarten, we are at home all the time and, indeed, these dishes take up too much time and effort. I cook a lot and in a variety of ways. We do not eat sausages or processed foods. But he just has his own opinion on this matter. Well, okay, if you don’t want it, you don’t give it. I won't force you.

Here the heroine describes difficulties, the solution of which is partly in her own hands. If she is overloaded, she could, for example, cook less. It’s not her husband’s fault for her choice.

Also, the author does not write why children do not go to kindergarten. But this is one of the factors complicating the situation. If there are no special reasons, then the children would benefit from a kindergarten and their temporary absence from home would ease a difficult situation.

Both factors can be resolved by the author himself, and it is worth thinking about such influencing factors much more in order to determine the quality and peace of your life yourself. Do not make this quality completely dependent on other people’s decisions.

But at least you can somehow react to my BD! The day before on Monday, he came home, was in the store, bought himself some beer. When it was 12 am, he suddenly remembered that it was my birthday today (Tuesday had already begun), and he said “Happy Birthday” to me in the back. That's all. In the morning, the children came to my room and presented me with their drawings, which they had prepared a week before. He came with them, smiled, lay next to them and left for work. In the evening I had to go to work, he stayed with the children. Shops nearby. If you wanted, I think you could at least go for flowers. And the children would have a good example of how to please others. Late in the evening I came home from work and just said, “You know, I have a birthday today.”

With this phrase, the heroine of the letter turns a simply unpleasant situation into a complete farce. Having already understood for sure that her husband is not going to congratulate her, she intensifies the humiliation with every question, as if she wants to emphasize it. Not only is there no birthday present, which in itself is extremely offensive, but this issue is also being discussed, highlighting the entire unpleasantness of the situation more clearly.

The only decent option would be to go to bed in silence. Without returning to this issue.

And he responded, “Well, what do you want?” I replied that I was waiting for him to react somehow. That he is against a dishwasher, but flowers and some chocolate could be bought, especially since I love both.

It is unclear why the author explains this. It is impossible to imagine that an adult man would not be aware of the opportunity to bring flowers. The husband’s phrase “well, what do you want??” meant “leave me alone.” And it didn’t mean at all: “tell me how to please you.” But for some reason the heroine of the letter decided to tell the story.

I'm generally easy to please. He got angry, started saying that he didn’t have time, what do I even want, well, it starts in that spirit. But there were opportunities. On the Monday night before, along with beer in the evening, he could buy something for me. Flowers could also go with children. And he says that he loves me, that he wishes me well. And yet so. Why is he like this???

He didn’t want to please and congratulate his wife. If she hadn't pressed her about the big gift, perhaps the situation would have been better.

But the wife’s position in the relationship is unenviable, they are not afraid to offend her, they do not try to please her.

The author of the letter is very fixated on the question “loves - does not love.” She mentions many times that her husband claims to love her.

It is worth noting that clarifying this in words has no practical meaning.

There is no need to squeeze a confession from your husband that he loves you, much less find out why, if he loves you, he behaves so badly. He leads the way he leads, don’t look at the words, look at the actions.

The question is not the high cost of the gift, but its presence or absence, the person’s reaction to an important event in your life. I was at work. Light the candles, pour some wine and meet. In general, there is no need to spend money, everything is at home.

There is a clear misunderstanding of the very essence of the situation. Relations are already extremely tense, more than prosaic, hostile. And for some reason the author expects something that is only done in VERY good and romantic relationships. Candles with wine appear where they want to please, they themselves are at least a little inspired. It is impossible to wait for this in such a situation. The author had probably been waiting for something like this all day, and this increased her disappointment.

We must pay attention to the contrast between the real state of affairs in the family and expectations.

To the question, “Why didn’t you buy at least some chocolate in the store along with beer?” the answer is “there’s a chocolate bar in the kitchen cupboard, go and eat it.” (answered by the person who loves me(((

Here there is a further intensification of the absurdity, the author is simply trying to put the pressure on the husband with the question - WHY, why after all - he didn’t buy anything.

The answer is so obvious (I didn’t want it and didn’t buy it) that the author’s insistence causes an outburst of rudeness from the husband.

Why did you have to push so hard? What did the author want to hear in response?

Why is it that those who build husbands, who don’t wash, iron or cook for them, if he didn’t bring flowers on his birthday, are then bombarded with flowers and gifts and apologies by men?

One of my friends says that if her husband has done something wrong, she doesn’t even greet him. Why does her husband give her a bunch of compliments, carry her in his arms, and at the resort on her birthday he ran around the whole city to find her favorite treat and make her happy??? Why???

And I don’t understand why, the more you invest, try, care, the more they wipe their feet on you.

This is one of the author's main mistakes. She fundamentally confuses cause and effect. It seems to her that the reason for adoration is the disdainful behavior of women, for example, a friend. But she is very soft, she does everything, so she is little appreciated. And the more he does, the less he is appreciated, and they begin to wipe their feet.

In fact, it's the other way around. Initially, the importance of a friend in a relationship with her husband is high, she is valued and they are afraid of losing her. Therefore, when she does not talk to her husband, it is a nuisance and punishment for him. And if the author does not talk to her husband, then for the husband it is rest and relief.

The fact that a woman may not cook or iron her, but will still be carried in her arms, is a CONSEQUENCE of her high importance in a relationship. Thanks to her importance, she can afford a lot. And not the other way around - it allows a lot, so it is appreciated. That's not why they're valued.

This is actually the main thing to understand.

Could you describe the reaction and actions to such behavior of a woman who does not allow herself to be treated with disdain, who values ​​herself?

- a woman who values ​​herself would not beg for a gift

- a woman who values ​​herself could communicate her desire, but upon hearing the slightest hint that they don’t want to give a gift, she immediately stopped discussing it and wouldn’t say another word

- a woman who values ​​herself would soberly assess the current circumstances and would not wait for candles

- a woman who values ​​herself would throw a party in honor of her birthday, for herself and her family. Maybe without a great feast, but definitely a small celebration, because this is HER holiday

- a woman who values ​​herself would draw conclusions about her husband’s attitude through the absence of a gift. But I wouldn’t begin to sort out relationships that are already clear

- a woman who values ​​herself would turn her attention to other parts of life in which she can influence

- a woman who values ​​herself would not be interrogated with bias - whether they love her and where is the evidence.

And yes, I understand perfectly well that I myself allowed the way he treats me now. But I have absolutely no idea what to do.

Yes, our relationship now is simply terrible. Moreover, from his side, everything is fine, but according to him, I am sick, I need to be treated and until I change, nothing will work out for us and that our family is only supported by him.

And I feel as if I am being pressed and pressed lower to the floor. He somehow unobtrusively knows how to twist everything so that all the blame is on me that everything is so bad with us.

I don't want it to be like my mother's. And in general, if the husband is already so dismissive, turns a deaf ear to all requests, does only what he thinks, then is it even possible to change this? If so, how? The author is in a relationship where HER is largely dictated by the rules of the game. This happens in cases where a person values ​​the relationship more than his partner. And that is why you are forced to do a lot.

Is it possible to live with a person who treats you this way, and at the same time have inner peace and confidence and be happy?

We have two children and I don't want to get a divorce. But I absolutely don’t see a way out of how to make sure there is a happy family. And can this be done unilaterally?

I would really like him to respect and appreciate me. Although I don't respect him at all anymore. When I see him with a beer playing a computer game or just at the computer, where he spends most of his time when he is at home, I not only do not respect him, but I almost hate him.

This is an important factor. Hostility is growing on both sides, the heroine of the letter also expresses her (negative) attitude to her husband, he is also offended by something. It’s just that when one of the partners tells the story, the behavior of the SECOND one is in the focus of attention. And it seems that the husband behaves very badly out of the blue, or even in response to kindness. But, as a rule, there are reasons for both distance and hostility from a man. If he behaves so badly for absolutely no reason (this never happens, however), then ask yourself the question: is it really necessary to stay in such an unfair marriage?

When we were dating and in the first year of family life, I kept walking around and wondering “how is it possible, a programmer, but he doesn’t hang up on the computer,” I buzzed everyone’s ears, and couldn’t be happier that I came across just such a guy. And now he lives there.

He lives there because it’s his way out of a difficult situation.

It’s his day off, if I need anything, I can always find him in the corner where the computer is. And now he is on vacation. And I don't know how to survive. Please tell me what should I do? Where to begin? I’m ready to change, I just want to know how and in what direction. I really want our children to live with their mom and dad in a calm and happy environment. His disrespect has reached the point that in front of the children he allows me to say “shut up” or call me names, although I calmly came up and said what was wrong and what I didn’t like. No matter how angry I get, I don’t allow myself to do that. Why?

Because with mutual discontent in the family, aggression increases. For the author it is in a slightly different form, but it is also growing. To correct seiuation, it is important to understand what I am doing in relation to my husband.

He assures me, treats me well and loves me. And I ask “what is this love?” And he is sure that if I finally recover and change my worldview, then we can still be better than at the very beginning of the relationship (these are all his words). I basically need to be fixed.

Here again is a recurring moment, an attempt to understand something through a meaningless showdown. Probably, when everything gets really bad, the author, out of helplessness, asks, “Do you even love me?”

The first thing to do is stop asking.

Secondly, stop swearing and making trouble. Learn to ask politely if you need something.

Polite does not mean begging and begging. Polite means correct.

You need to behave very respectfully, this concerns your family first of all.

I tried to stop swearing, making trouble, and asking for something. I tried to just live as if an acquaintance had come to stay, he doesn’t owe me anything, but if he does, then I’m grateful. I prepared food for him, because for a guest I would cook and wash the dishes for him. In general, it might last a week. But he didn't notice anything. That he didn’t wash the dishes for a week, that I held my head high, but did it all myself. For him it was like the norm, but I felt as if they were even more comfortable on my neck and hanging their legs. Nothing came out of him in response. He happily spent even more time at the computer. And the children, with whom I love to play and study, but without help I had no time at all, were on their own, they just wandered after me, Mom, let’s go play.

Everything in my soul is just as lousy, I’m just as offended, and even this all remains unspoken, they wipe their feet on me in the same way, and on his part he didn’t even notice that it was calm and quiet and he didn’t want anything in response .

If I don’t go to “sort things out,” let’s call it that, then nothing changes.

Nothing, as we understand, changes in any case. But by clarifying the relationship, the author lets off steam.

The husband, of course, noticed that he was left alone. Didn't do anything - that doesn't mean didn't notice. This episode once again shows us the weight of the author in a relationship. Very little weight, her husband wants her to do more, as he is sure that he tolerates her.

How should one behave in order to be respected, considered, valued and valued???

It is important to understand that respect cannot be extorted by force. Just like value cannot be manually raised by an effort of one’s will.

Respect comes from the fact that a person sees you as significant, smart, influential, he is interested in your opinion, he finds your words important, he wants to know your thoughts. This is what respect is. Some one-time event, clever question or distancing cannot raise the level of respect. You need to gradually form an image of yourself, a worthy image that you want to respect.

One’s own value also cannot be instilled into one’s partner by force. If it is valuable to him:

- your society

- your opinion

- your closeness

- your investments

- your good mood,

then you are valuable to him. But you cannot force to appreciate, just as you cannot force to respect.

But there are ways to fix all this. Only they are not straightforward; you cannot force yourself to be respected through a scandal.

Here are the important strategies:

1. Loosen your grip. Psychologically get out of the relationship, at least from the male-female relationship. You are domestic partners, parents. Try to play these roles well. And remove the demands about love and candles, they are harmful to the cause. You yourself no longer love your husband, but you need his love in the form of compensation for your suffering. But this compensation cannot be obtained now; your husband himself wants compensation.

2. Divide household chores. Do as much as you can or as much as you think is necessary. Reduce your business load unilaterally. You don’t have to iron or do laundry for your husband if you think that your chores are unevenly distributed (But before doing this, evaluate the evenness of your financial investments. So, if your husband brings in much more money and works more, then it’s logical for you to do more around the house .)

Make it simpler (by the way, healthy food is not difficult to prepare). Encourage your children to help with dishes and other chores. This is healthier than following mom and asking her to play.

In general, you need to loosen your fixation on everyday issues and, if possible, go beyond the family circle, which is stifling.

3. Try to get the children into some kind of groups so that they can play freely there; it is harmful for them to be only within the family, especially during such a tense period. Constantly being at home aggravates problems, including children's ones.

4. Stop deciding on your importance, need and value only through your husband. Become important and respected at work or in other activities. There is no need to wait for your husband to start respecting you; make sure that respect increases at the expense of other areas of life.

5. Do not pursue your husband with showdowns and, most importantly, DO NOT expect him to shower you with flowers out of happiness. It won't fail. And he will breathe a sigh of relief, he is very tired of you.

Switch your attention to other things, there, and not in the family, is now a resource for you. Take care of work, health, restore old connections, make new ones. Do everything so as not to need positive emotions; provide them for yourself through interaction with the world.

Your family is normal enough to raise children.

6. Show your husband courtesy. At least on an external level, if there is no respect inside. Your disdain for him is evident in every word.

By talking to your husband politely and respectfully, you strengthen your self-esteem. You emphasize at the language level that your man is worthy of respect, which means you are worthy too. He also deserves to be treated politely as the father of your children.

Your husband’s rudeness towards you is most likely due to your nagging him. You will receive less rudeness if you control yourself.

7. Well, about proper distancing. When someone says something unpleasant to you, you need to move away from that person. Physically, if impossible – psychologically. You are doing the opposite.

So, if you haven’t been given a gift, you need to find something to do and do it. Instead of going to find out why they didn’t give it to you and whether they love you.

The friend is generally doing the right thing, but this is not the reason for her husband’s good attitude.

In conclusion, I want to say that troubles in relationships are not corrected in a straight line! It is wrong to think that you can sit down and figure it out like this. It is naive to think that one can react to rudeness in such a way that the other person will re-educate. Relationships are corrected by the fact that you change YOUR life, rebuild something, become a slightly different person. Through meaningful improvements in oneself and one’s position in the wider world (not in the family). And on this basis, your spouse’s attitude towards you changes.

© Elizaveta Filonenko