- September 13, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Valentina Buravleva
Very often, women turn to a psychologist for advice because they are unable to be happy if their beloved husband is not nearby, or if he behaves inappropriately. It would seem that what could be simpler - to love and be loved? But for some people, most often women, this becomes a real challenge.
The problem of too strong feelings
Why can a woman suffer from such a problem, which can be expressed in one phrase - “I love my husband very much”? Oddly enough, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a specific person with whom the lady is madly in love and “can’t live without him,” often she simply lacks male presence and attention in her life. Often the current love that engulfs a woman is not the first case of such a feeling. She experiences similar experiences in relationships with almost all men.
What advice could a psychologist give when love for your husband has passed?
What should you do - stay with your husband, somehow love him, or resign yourself, don’t care about your feelings and be unhappy?
Regardless of any advice, only you can decide and make a choice. For my part, I will try to help you understand your feelings, and perhaps you will make the right decision.
So, let's go...
Love for my husband has passed - advice from a psychologist
How long ago did you realize that you had no feelings for your husband?
Did it happen suddenly or did understanding come slowly through analysis and reflection? Think and answer this question for yourself. The answer will be important, because, quite possibly, it only seems to you that there are no feelings, they have faded away, gone, and instead of them there is irritation and disappointment.
What do you think appears instead of love? Yes, in the place where love was, what lives now, what are the feelings?
If you feel irritation, resentment, hatred, anger towards your husband, then love is shrouded in negative feelings, but it is there.
If there is no love, then there will be indifference and emptiness inside - this is the absence of love. If you don’t care what happens to your once loved one, and you don’t care what he does and does.
For example, do you find out about his betrayal right now, when you think that you don’t love him? What will be your reaction, what will your thoughts, feelings, what will you do?
Will you feel offended, will you say that he is a scoundrel, etc.?
Or will you be happy and say: “Thank God, you decided everything yourself” and you will part with him with a light heart?
You see, the absence of a warm and sincere feeling, a pronounced feeling of love, does not mean that love has passed.
Sometimes, you need to dig a little deeper into your superficial thoughts and feelings.
Read the short article “22 Signs It’s Time to End a Relationship” and find out if there are signs in your relationship that it’s time to break up.
Let me make a small digression, if you have been in a relationship very recently, just a few years, then it is likely that falling in love has passed, but serious and mature feelings have not yet arisen.
Love, about which legends have been written, poems and novels have been written, is most often exaggerated, stuffed with romance and vivid feelings. Real life with a loved one is completely different, not at all similar to romantic love.
Therefore, the very first step in order to understand why love for your husband passed, you need to figure out what actually passed - love, mature love or romantic love, because of which you got married?
Read the article “What is the difference between love and being in love?” and draw the necessary conclusions for yourself.
Features of family relationships
What do such feelings lead to? It is believed that love is a bright and wonderful feeling. Theoretically, a woman who often says to her husband the words: “I love you very much, beloved husband!” should live a wonderful life. But in fact, things are far from so rosy.
Most men cannot miss the opportunity to take advantage of a woman's affection and, increasing their self-esteem, play on her fear of being alone, thereby indulging her unhealthy attachment. Naturally, such relationships lead to the destruction of personality, both women and men.
Learn to pay attention to yourself
From such ladies you can often hear two phrases: “I love my husband very much” and “What should I do?” Indeed, often such attachment begins to bring suffering. Moreover, unsuccessful relationships with the opposite sex are just the tip of the iceberg. The reason most likely lies in the relationship with parents. Obsessiveness in love is evidence that in childhood people received insufficient attention from their parents, and now they seek to compensate for this at the expense of a sexual partner. And in these cases, the woman usually says: “I love my husband very much, I can’t live without him.”
In order not to lose herself in a relationship, a lady must learn to give herself the attention that she would like to receive from her partner. You must be able to listen to your own needs and satisfy them yourself. Often, women who love their spouses too much spend all their energy on satisfying the needs of another person. But today’s phrase “I love my husband very much!” tomorrow may lead to a disregardful attitude on his part. Therefore, it is necessary to switch the focus of attention from the life of your lover to your needs as soon as possible.
Recognize the problem
The first step to freeing yourself from unhealthy relationships is understanding the cause of your addiction to men. Understanding that this feeling is not sincere, but is caused by the need to resolve one’s own internal conflicts at the expense of outsiders. A woman always wants to be needed and feel protected. Without this, she cannot achieve peace of mind. At the same time, the instinct of motherhood and the desire to create a family for a woman in such relationships are in the background or are completely absent.
Therefore, you should not constantly repeat to yourself: “I love my husband very much.” It is useful to rephrase the phrase. For example, as follows: “I have a very strong dependence on men, and on my husband in particular. But I can cope with this problem, since I have enough strength to do so.” Why is this awareness so important? If a dependent woman wants to keep a man, she does not hesitate to use any means. Persuasion, tears, hysterics, threats - this is only part of what she can do. Even realizing that her behavior is wrong, she can hardly control herself. The blind desire to “possess” does not give her the opportunity to calmly think and look at the situation from the outside.
Gentle SMS poems for husband
As simply as if you were breathing, You give me your love. I know that if it gets difficult, you will always lend a shoulder.
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- As a husband, you are the best on the planet! I love you more than anyone in the world! Thank you for giving me days and nights! I love you very, very much!
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You are my king and master, I agree with you on everything, just touch me in the morning and call me wife.
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My beloved, don’t be angry, forgive me quickly, I won’t be a bitch anymore, I’ll be an exemplary girl!
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I never tire of saying thank you to fate! And I will always love you! My husband, my friend, and my hero, just be with me always!
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Your confidence and strength are my main armor in life. Love opened up a new world to me, became a star for me.
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You are the best husband in the world, caring, reliable. I am always proud of you, It is impossible otherwise.
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- My dear husband, you are the best, I will never tire of repeating, That you are worthy to be a king, To rule a queen!
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My beloved, you are at work, I’m really waiting for you at home. I feel like a princess, I love such a husband!
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Feelings ask to come out, bursting out of the chest. I love my husband dearly! Happiness awaits us ahead!
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I have problems and I’m calling you! You will always save me. You won't find a better husband!
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Gentle hands, reliable shoulders, Your silhouette is the closest, dearest. I am happy that you, my husband, spend both morning and evening with me.
Get psychotherapy
Sometimes it can be extremely difficult to heal yourself from love addiction. In this case, you cannot do without the help of a specialist who will help you work through childhood traumas. Even if they are mild, one way or another these early effects on the psyche leave an imprint on a person’s entire life.
Parents begin to make mistakes in raising children from a very early age. In infancy, the mother could underfeed the child, not approach him when he was crying, or ignore him for a long time. There is an opinion that if you do not react to a child’s crying, he will grow up to be independent. This is wrong. The child develops a feeling of fear, he feels abandoned, and is constantly in an anxious state.
The importance of psychotherapeutic work on childhood
The consequences of injuries received at such an early age are dangerous because they are practically unconscious and difficult to correct. Growing up, such a woman realizes: “I love my husband very much, what should I do now? How can I reduce this emotional intensity before it begins to take advantage of my weakness and trample on family values?” The answer to this truly difficult question lies in turning your attention to the past.
Moreover, it is recommended to do this in the company of a qualified psychotherapist. A child raised in an orphanage is completely deprived of parental attention, which cannot but lead to negative consequences. In addition, some children may be subject to overt, gratuitous violence from adults. And even if a child grew up in a complete, prosperous family, he could receive many negative attitudes from his parents that could hinder him in adulthood.
For example, a mother could often reproach her daughter for giving her a lot of trouble, or constantly set up a more obedient child as an example, reproach her for not being serious and it’s time for her to grow up, demand primacy in all endeavors, or, conversely, not allow anything. , afraid that something will happen to her. Having matured, such a woman will feel inferior, which will certainly affect her relationship with her husband. Yes, psychotherapy is quite an expensive pleasure. But if a lady values her family relationships and also wants to develop herself as a person, then all these costs will pay off handsomely in the future.
Think about the consequences
Psychology knows many examples when a woman shares her experiences with a specialist: “It seems to me that I love another” or “I love one, but live with another. Help me cope with mental anguish and get out of the situation.” Here the main advice would be this: turn on your common sense and turn off the voice of your heart for a while. After all, if you miss some nuances that are not noticed thanks to rose-colored glasses, the consequences may not be very pleasant:
- First of all, understand for yourself, does your lover need you as a permanent life partner? After all, now he is comfortable, your relationship does not oblige him to anything, but only brings maximum pleasure. He did not plan at all to change his life and support you, and perhaps your children. In addition, a guy can be a very skillful seducer, and you simply fell for beautiful words and affection. And, having left your spouse, you will simply take a rash step and be left with nothing, since it is unclear whether your current lover will accept you or whether you will have to leave him headlong.
- Consider the consequences of divorce proceedings. After all, this is a division of not only property, but also children. And the court may decide not in your favor, leaving you with no opportunity to live with them under the same roof. And will the children themselves, who undividedly love both mom and dad, understand such an act of yours? Of course not. And the divorce of parents may not have the best effect on their psyche.
- Will you be able to endlessly rebuff those around you who will judge and persecute you with unflattering reviews? The status of a cheater can stick with you for a long time. You will have to observe faces filled with contempt from relatives, friends, neighbors and even colleagues. Therefore, before you leave your family and go to your lover, think several times whether you can cope with all possible obstacles. Or perhaps these circumstances are not worth such sacrifices.
Unfortunately, situations are not uncommon in the world when a wife loves another man with an official husband and children from him, or when she loved one and married another. And here it is impossible to give an exact answer on how best to proceed. After all, it is difficult to predict all possible lines of further development of relations. And the choice depends not only on the woman herself, but also on both companions. It is possible that they themselves will refuse it. And then the abandoned lady will be left alone with a broken trough.
Increase your self-esteem
A woman who says, “I love my husband very much,” often suffers from low self-esteem. Feeling insufficiently confident, the addict will seek self-affirmation at the expense of others. If she is loved, she feels needed and significant; if she is lonely or rejected, her self-esteem falls, she feels unnecessary and unhappy. Many women subconsciously strive to compensate for the lack of love in childhood at the expense of the attention of their husband or lover. The roots of this problem are also in childhood. But it is quite possible to improve this situation if you work on yourself and try to transform your own character. Look at your experiences from the outside
Another important step towards liberation is to try to abstract yourself from your feelings, to think about why this relationship is really needed. Why does this phrase constantly appear in your mind: “I love my husband very much”? What are the current relationships leading to? Perhaps fate itself wants to convey to such a woman something important about her and her life? Undoubtedly, if a dependent woman begins to work on herself, she will be able to achieve good results in this. And then her life will be much happier - after all, she will become free from the shackles of illusory love.
If we are talking about treason
Sometimes a woman’s thoughts can be occupied by the following problem: “I love my husband very much, but I’m cheating.” Where does this difficulty “grow” from? Even if there are deep feelings towards her husband, but for some reason a woman prefers to spend time with her lover, this does not happen out of the blue. Most likely, there are things that seriously dissatisfy her in her current relationship. And if these problems are not worked out, then sooner or later the family boat will leak - and not necessarily because the wife’s infidelity will be revealed.
It is impossible to have a healthy relationship if one or both partners are not psychologically healthy. A self-sufficient person is capable of experiencing sincere, selfless feelings. Those who have unresolved problems in all respects will strive to resolve them at the expense of others. It is necessary to understand what this problem is and solve it without using close people. And then it will not be difficult for a free individual to build healthy, strong relationships.
Seconded loneliness
You can cheer each other up very effectively by simply and sometimes trivially sending an SMS.
A win-win option is humorous poems, but only if they are concise.
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It is better to read poems about deep and sensual love from memory, looking your soul mate in the eyes over a candlelit dinner, rather than conveying them in a string of messages.
A husband and wife are people who are able to understand each other perfectly. Don't load your SMS messages with a bunch of synonyms.
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You can speak briefly and clearly to your husband. Even if others don't understand you, your husband will understand every word you say.
Cheer up both yourself and your husband. Give a reason to take a little break from business.
It’s much more pleasant to wake up not from a boring alarm clock, but from a pleasant and encouraging morning SMS from the woman you love.
A pleasant SMS full of words of love will delight and surprise even the most, at first glance, strict and serious man.
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Sometimes, a simple but sincere SMS message to your loved one can make your day more joyful and carefree.
