The relationship between two people is daily hard work, which not everyone can do. There are many situations in life that partners look at completely differently. We have to find a compromise in order to move on. But there are more unpleasant situations, against the background of which disagreements in everyday life fade into the background.
One of them is treason. It is very difficult to maintain a relationship after betrayal, since it is a kind of betrayal of a loved one. Not everyone knows that both partners are often to blame for infidelity. This, of course, is not always the case; it happens that nothing depends on the second spouse.
In the modern world, most attention is paid to physical betrayal, since it is easier to find out about it and see it with your own eyes. Moral treason can be identified in many ways, but it is much more difficult to prove the fact. Many people do not think of moral betrayal as betrayal in principle, because there was no intimacy.
Is it possible to regain trust after betrayal?
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Trust is a simple but very meaningful word. It is trust that is the basis of any relationship, since trust, this invisible substance
, like powerful cement holds together that without which normal relationships are impossible.
If there is trust in your relationship, then you will sleep peacefully at night, feeling peace and tranquility. And it is trust that makes every phone call, every text message from your partner so welcome and enjoyable.
. And only thanks to trust can any relationship be preserved even when the partners remain for a long period of time at an arc distance from each other.
How to move on after your husband's betrayal
You suspected betrayal and tried in every way to find out the truth. Your suspicions have been confirmed. What to do? What to do after your husband cheats:
- First, don't rush into making rash decisions. You need to weigh everything carefully and let yourself cool down. All actions must be done with a cool head.
- Secondly, admit that nothing terrible happened, everyone is alive and well. Learn to take the hit, throw out the unnecessary from your life.
- Thirdly, clearly define for yourself what you need . If you want to return to your previous relationship, this is quite possible. If you decide to get a divorce, remember that after the divorce it will not become easier. The pain will go away, of course, but it will take time.
- You have the right to demand that your spouse completely stop any contact with the homewrecker . If he agrees to this ultimatum, it means he wants to improve relations, there is no need to spoil them with scandals and reproaches.
- Look at your intimate life with different eyes. Try to diversify your sexual intimacy.
- Distribute household responsibilities, let your spouse finally begin to take part in household affairs.
- Discuss the financial issue clearly.
- If your spouse refuses to break off relations with your new passion and continues to date her, threaten divorce . Only in all seriousness. If the spouse still values his family, he will refuse his mistress.
In this situation, a lot depends on the woman. The main thing is not to make decisions in a hurry. Don't let your emotions push you into reckless actions.
Set the record straight
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When betrayal occurs, this event is perceived as a disaster - nothing less. Emotions run high, a stream of mutual accusations begins, which develops into some kind of long-term military conflict
. However, nothing in this world happens for nothing. Everything needs a reason. And to clarify, we need to dig deeper.
Did something happen between both you and your partner that should have been addressed sooner, but was ignored?
Talk to your partner. Try to figure out what happened and why. You may be bursting with anger, no doubt, but if you really want reconciliation
, you MUST learn to listen to each other. The answers that are heard in such a dialogue often allow you to get to the bottom of that very first wormhole that appeared in your relationship long before the betrayal.
Cheating itself is just a symptom (and not the only one), but not the main problem.
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It is very important that both sides show a desire to start this dialogue - open, honest, although very painful. In other words, both sides
must be sincerely interested in:
- clarify what happened;
- be ready to re-concentrate the efforts that are necessary to rebuild the relationship again.
If this does not happen, then your relationship will surely die, agonizing in a flood of pain, regret and resentment.
Relationship problems6
This is the second reason for betrayal. Problems in relationships do not mean a lack of feelings, rather the opposite. In this way, the partner tries to unconsciously solve these problems. Instead of having a heart-to-heart talk and finding out everything, he seeks consolation on the side. This is a kind of compensation for what a person lacks in a relationship. Psychologists say that sometimes betrayal is an impetus for improving relationships. Subsequently, this situation is perceived as a lesson, thanks to which the spouses begin to treat each other more attentively and take into account each other’s interests.
Identify motives
People do certain things for certain reasons. Usually these actions are rational and important to the one who performs them. And such an act as treason is no exception. People who committed treason
, may feel hurt, lonely or unappreciated. Most often, they try to find on the side what they do not get from their partner.
Take a standard situation: one of the partners in a relationship receives less attention from the other. For what reason he is not given this attention is another question. Perhaps one of the partners is too busy with their career
, devotes a lot of time to friends or there were other reasons. And a person who suffers from a lack of this attention quite reasonably looks for it on the side.
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If on the path of such a person he meets someone who is ready to pay maximum attention, who is ready to spend all his time on communication and courtship
, it will not be difficult for him or her to reach the heart of a person deprived of this same attention.
It is also possible (and this is not uncommon) when the partner who was cheated on blames himself for what happened. There are also difficult situations when you did everything right, giving to your partner
the maximum that people in a relationship can usually give each other. But your partner still cheated on you for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Motivation also plays an important role in maintaining or repairing relationships. And then it’s no longer so important what exactly led to the betrayal
– dissatisfaction with your sex life, some small old grievances, lack of the same attention.
Moral treason
With moral betrayal, one of the partners experiences love and romantic feelings. But not to your soulmate, but to another person. Typically, moral betrayal can be recognized by the changed behavior of a spouse. As a rule, a person will stay late “at work” while at home - have his head in the clouds and answer the most common questions with irritation. He will always try to escape from his partner under any pretext.
If a person devotes a lot of time to the object of love, constantly communicates with him and gives gifts, then moral betrayal will soon develop into physical betrayal.
Get serious about rebuilding your relationship.
How valuable was the relationship that ended in cheating to you? If the first passions
After you find out about the betrayal and have settled down, ask yourself the following three questions:
- Am I ready/willing to interact with her/him despite what happened?
- Do I still love her/him?
- Am I ready/willing to do whatever it takes to overcome this crisis in the relationship?
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These are complex questions that cannot be answered immediately, offhand. warm feelings and respect left in you
, which could become the basis for restoring relations. Ask yourself, for example, are you able to have fun together and share each other's company most of the time?
If you answered “yes” to all of the above questions, then, despite the long and difficult path left behind, it makes sense to make an effort to move forward together
. If you are willing to dedicate your lives to each other, if you are sincerely willing to work together to figure out the situation together, then the chances remain that will allow you to overcome these difficulties together.
If you accept this, then you need to move on. There should be no indecisiveness. Now you have a simple choice - all or nothing
. If you hesitate, then you are not ready to restore the relationship.
Is cheating a reason to break up?
Most women claim that they are not ready to forgive infidelity, but practice proves us otherwise.
Cheating does not always become a reason for couples to separate. Nowadays, betrayal is most likely a reason for a heart-to-heart conversation, during which both partners will express what is painful to them, but whether they can adapt to each other’s desires is a question for another plan. By the way, betrayal can “heat up” or re-ignite the fire of your relationship. These are the paradoxes the 21st century has brought us.
There are a number of such married couples who practice adultery. By offering your man freedom of action, you show him that we do not want to subjugate him in any way. You give him freedom, but how he will use it is a matter of his consciousness and upbringing. On the other hand, can a family live in peace where a woman knows that a man is cheating on her? And what character should it have to adequately perceive this information?
If for you cheating is one of the deadly sins, sit down and think it over again. Is such an act of a man really unforgivable? Do you want to break off all relations with this “womanizer” or does preserving your family come first for you?
Contact a family psychologist
Jacob Lund
A civil engineer has an excellent understanding of construction; surgeon - in how the human body functions; and the psychologist deals with the complexities of human relationships. And if this were not so, such a specialty simply would not exist
. Almost always, rebuilding trust and wanting to rebuild a relationship is a difficult choice that requires courage. Sometimes with a lot of courage.
And since you have taken this step, but are experiencing difficulties on your chosen path, then why not take another one - turn to a family psychologist? People who are professionals
in matters of relationships and psychology in general, they know what to pay attention to first of all in such cases.
You and your partner may be quite smart and experienced, but you don't have to know, for example, how to operate on appendicitis. And don’t be embarrassed by the fact that you don’t know how to proceed after cheating.
. Third-party help, if it comes from a real professional, cannot be overestimated in this situation.
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A psychologist for those who have decided to cope with betrayal, forgive it and rebuild a relationship with the same partner, this is akin to a pilot who will guide your ship through stormy waters, avoiding rocks and reefs
. This is exactly what is needed not only by the person who was cheated on, but also by the one who committed the betrayal.
Cheating on the part of a man is the norm
Having looked at the existing realities, we can say with confidence that every man today has access to a wide variety of sexual contacts. Girls here and there show signs of attention to absolutely all representatives of the stronger half of humanity, not paying attention to such a nuance as a ring on their finger. Not every man will be able to cope with such pressure, to put it in sports terms, and why deny yourself free additional pleasure on the side?
Having tasted the sweet taste of betrayal once, there is a high probability that the man will continue to go “to the left.” At the same time, he will come up with the most sophisticated excuses (if not for his wife or girlfriend, then for himself) so that his conscience does not torment him in any case. Men manage to convince themselves that cheating is not a betrayal at all, but simply the satisfaction of ordinary human needs that they cannot fulfill with a single companion.
The logical question would be: why do men continue to live with their wives and girlfriends, but do not stop cheating on them?
Forgiveness
You were fighting for your relationship. You worked tirelessly to overcome what happened. Your relationship is still quite fragile
, but at least you continue to work together to preserve and strengthen them.
Sometimes, despite the fact that you have not separated and hope to overcome the crisis
, feelings of resentment and even indignation persist. This only says one thing - the betrayal was not forgiven.
And then the victim of betrayal begins to use the situation in such a way as to extract various advantages from it. Phrases such as “it’s not for you to talk about this after what you did/did”
into your communication
every now and then . Treason begins to be used in disputes as a reproach; the person who has been cheated on constantly reminds the perpetrator that he has crossed a certain line.
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In other words, the victim of betrayal considers himself entitled to act as a kind of executioner (which, in fact, happens all the time). This means you haven't gotten over the betrayal yet.
– you, both partners. The cheater, perhaps, constantly feels guilty, giving in to disputes and conflicts.
This is a dead-end path that will not allow you to restore dilapidated relationships. Maintaining them for some time is possible. But build strong and trust-based
Only complete forgiveness will help the relationship rebuild. Complete forgiveness is when the victim of treason forgives the perpetrator of treason, and the perpetrator of treason forgives himself.
How to save a family if your husband cheats - advice from a psychologist
Any unpleasant situation in the life of the spouses seems to them a disaster. But betrayal is a case that cannot be compared with anything. The female sex experiences this event much more difficult. Some women can say with confidence that adultery is comparable to the death of a relative.
We must prepare for serious difficulties if a lady decides to save her family. She will have to go through painful periods, which, in addition to loss of trust, occur along with a feeling of betrayal, shame and severe pain.
How to save a family on the verge of divorce - advice from a psychologist.
The perception of what happened depends on the woman’s degree of self-esteem. If she is too jealous, you need to prepare to confront yourself, since tracking every action of your loved one is not a particularly effective method for preserving the family. Ultimately, this will encourage the husband to cheat on his wife again.
Pride is another reason for the inevitable internal struggle. You will have to fight with your own causticity and desire to humiliate the traitor. In such a situation, the lover may not tolerate this and leave for another.
If a woman decides to be an eternal victim, then the family will also face an unfavorable outcome. Consciously or not, with or without reproaches, the lady will create a situation in which her husband will feel eternally guilty of any problems, no matter if they happened or not.
But how to build a family life after your spouse cheats? Is it possible? The answer to the question is positive. Strangely enough, there are situations when betrayal on the part of a husband acts as cement for a collapsing marriage.
Watch the video. How to survive betrayal. Advice from a family psychologist.
Types of treason
Adultery can be different. You cannot judge your spouse’s actions or give advice without knowing the details of what happened.
Ringed men commit adultery for several reasons:
- One night stands, lust or making a sexual dream come true,
- A passing hobby, new emotions, fresh sensations, improved self-esteem,
- Love/infatuation that ends in a long-term affair.
A one-time betrayal is easier to forgive; the husband could take such a step due to some special circumstances. Of course, this does not mitigate his guilt, but understanding male psychology clarifies a lot.
An intelligent woman knows that a man by nature is a conqueror and hunter, so possible betrayal on the part of her spouse is never ruled out. There is always hope, I want to believe that my husband is not like that, but the facts tell a different story.
How to save a family if the husband has grown cold?
Sometimes a man can sleep with another because of intimate incompatibility with his wife, protecting her from his vulgar desires, with which he is afraid of offending his beloved. It is no easier for the wife to “court” her in this way, but the husband has a special opinion on this matter, he is confident in the correctness of his own actions.
Sex due to alcohol intoxication is also possible, when a man is unable to refuse a lustful girl who is pursuing him. Most likely, after sobering up, he will realize his guilt and will try not to make such mistakes again.
70% of men cheat
As a rule, eternal “hunters” or husbands who have been married for decades take part in the search for new sensations. Monotony, stability, children, family worries, tire you over time.
The unexpected appearance of a beautiful girl often sends a married man down the wrong path and creates the illusion of happiness. He feels young again, gets the opportunity to change his boring position, and is glad that someone else is interested in him.
Reasons for betrayal
All people are different. This also applies to the male half of the population.
There are several reasons why cheating occurs:
- Lifestyle. The man is not used to monotony. Despite the feelings he has for only one woman, he is not against affairs on the side. It’s more interesting for him to live if his partners change often,
- Boring life. A man gets bored with routine. From day to day, the spouse does not change either in the kitchen or in her intimate life. My husband gets bored with this and starts looking for something new,
- Increased self-esteem. If the husband is not without complexes, and his wife teases him about this, he begins to assert himself with other women,
- Hypersexuality. There is a type of man for whom sex is never enough. If the wife is unable to give her husband the amount of sex he needs, then he will make up for the “norm” with the help of other women,
- Spouse's indifference. A husband may sometimes not understand his wife's constant headache. In particular, this applies to the moment when everything goes towards sex. This attitude of his beloved forces him to cheat,
- Dissatisfaction. This occurs in cases where the spouse is not able to give the man the desired sensations from sex.
To prevent your husband from thinking about copulation with another lady, try to devote more time to him. If you still have difficulties regarding this problem, but you don’t want to bring the matter to a divorce, then go to a psychologist for help. He will tell you how to learn to forgive your spouse’s betrayals without losing your self-esteem.
Watch the video. Signs of male infidelity. How to find out if he is cheating or not?
Signs of betrayal
Almost any lady can easily recognize adultery.
To be convinced of suspicions about your husband’s infidelity, it is enough to pay attention to the following points:
- Mobile phone. Despite the man’s attempts to hide something, the wife can understand this by his behavior, for example, if the husband, answering the call, goes into another room or speaks with some encrypted meaning. Frequent SMS also makes you think. But you shouldn’t immediately think about cheating, maybe your spouse just decided to give you an unexpected gift,
- Appearance. If your husband suddenly changed his image and became more attentive to himself, think about it. This could be a warning sign
- Late returns from work. All wives know the schedule and peculiarities of their spouses’ work. If a man starts returning home late, pay attention to this. It is possible that the reason for the constant delays was another woman,
- Deception. A woman is able to think logically, so it is not difficult for her to guess where the lie is and where the truth is, especially if we take into account the details that the husband did not take into account.
If you notice such oddities in the behavior of your loved one and think that he is cheating on you, do not get excited. Better think about the possible reason. You will probably understand how to forgive your husband and improve family relationships. You can separate at any time, but not every wife can save the family idyll.
My husband wants to get a divorce, but I don’t – what should I do?
My husband cheated but won't leave
A man can remain in the family after cheating for various reasons.
The most common are:
- The frivolity of the novel. Under such circumstances, the man is not sure that he is ready to leave his family and doubts his love for his new passion. Chances are it's just a passing fad.
- Weakness of spirit does not allow one to speak honestly about betrayal. This requires considerable psychological effort,
- The husband does not want to hurt his wife, but in this situation there can be no talk of love. It's a simple pity. Most often, they learn about betrayal during a quarrel or an unexpected meeting between a mistress and her husband,
- Common past. In such a situation, the spouse simply does not want to interrupt such a long journey together in life. After all, during this time you had children, you solved more than one problem together,
- The husband wants to return to the old relationship. It is likely that he is simply confused and has decided to resurrect his feelings for you, starting over from scratch.
Is it worth saving the family?
Psychologists cannot give an exact answer to this question, because it is necessary to solve it independently.
Before you decide, imagine how your life will turn out after a divorce or think about the prospects for your future life with your husband. Try to sort out your feelings.
Try to find an independent person who will delve into your problem. Try not to talk about this topic with loved ones - they will not soon forgive a man for inflicting a mental wound on you.
Find out whether your husband has decided to stay in the family or intends to leave. What do you want? The conversation will help you understand what to do next with your relationship.
THIS IS INTERESTING! Five reasons for cheating in marriage.
How to improve relationships
He remained in the family, although there was an opportunity to leave. He is nearby, and that's the main thing. It’s not easy to stop a man if he has a new love. If he stayed, then this characterizes his betrayal as a one-time affair, and the spouse does not want to end the family relationship. This is a simple formula that you need to know when determining the future fate of family life.
Look at the problem from a different angle: how often do husbands marry their mistresses? It has long been known that the probability is extremely low. This suggests that it is not so easy for a husband to decide to break off family relationships. His wife is more important to him than a little-known lady.
What to do next? Make sure that as few people as possible know about your spouse’s betrayal. You especially shouldn’t tell your girlfriends or mom about the incident.
Firstly, in the future they will once again remind you of your spouse’s betrayal, forcing you to show negative emotions. Secondly, you will protect your husband's reputation. There is nothing wrong with the fact that your friends will continue to respect the head of the family.
It is highly undesirable for your children to know about your spouse’s infidelity, so you should not quarrel in their presence.
How to improve your relationship with your husband?
Give each other time
If someone has had an accident that results in a fracture, it will take a long time for the fracture to heal. But even then he will remind himself
, whine in bad weather, require special care and attention. Unfortunately, for many, betrayal turns out to be much more painful than a fracture.
A broken heart, even if you try to “glue it back together,” can take years to heal. Therefore, you should not be surprised that the situation does not let you go after a month, six months or even a year.
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According to psychologists, if couples manage to survive infidelity, it sometimes takes up to three years for the situation to be completely resolved
. Of course, a lot depends on the circumstances; much depends on the depth of feelings, on the sincerity of subsequent relationships.
However, if you are determined to restore your relationship, if you are ready to survive this difficult moment, give and earn forgiveness, you will need patience
. You must go through stages of anger, despondency, distrust, vulnerability and perhaps a feeling of shame. It is necessary to drink this bitter cup to the fullest.
Do not try to speed up this process - it is almost impossible. Take one small step towards each other
. Contact a psychologist when obstacles arise. Continue to move slowly in the chosen direction until the long-awaited healing finally comes!
There is no need to deprive a man of home, love and warmth
Don’t stop cooking for your loved one, as well as washing and ironing things for him. After all, only a well-fed and well-groomed man can be happy. He will definitely feel that you have not changed your attitude towards him, and will want to reward you for this feat over yourself.
Every woman has her own “tricks” with which she can seduce any man. Delve into the depths of your memory and remember how you already seduced him once. Try to use this technique again, so that this time you can permanently discourage your loved one from walking to the left.
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Be extremely transparent
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Yes, be transparent, literally like glass! After cheating has occurred and attempts are being made to repair the relationship, transparency is required from both partners, not just from the perpetrator of the betrayal.
, although this is primarily expected from the guilty party. Full transparency is essential to rebuilding lost trust.
Don't give your partner a single chance to think that you are hiding anything from him again. Don't hide anything, don't keep secrets
, because secrecy and secrets in your situation can be detrimental to the process of restoring relationships.
For example, if the phone rings, it would be unforgivably stupid not to let your partner know who exactly called you and for what reason. On the way to building a new relationship with an old partner
it is necessary to forget about small personal secrets. The period during which you will restore lost trust is simply inevitable in your relationship.
Conservatism
Men like it when everything goes along some well-trodden rails. Perhaps this is due to the spirit of conservatism that hovers in our society. Changes in life are like disasters for the powers that be. Often, in order to decide on some serious step that can change his life radically, a man needs a very strong push. This is exactly the kind of push that women can provoke without even knowing it.
Think about how often you fill your life together with negativity and emotions. After all, they will be stored somewhere in the depths of your loved one’s soul, and one day the moment will come when they will all burst out. This flow can be compared to a tsunami wave that will erase your relationship to the foundation, without leaving them even the slightest chance to continue or renew.
Cut off old connections
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If you are the same person who, having committed infidelity, betrayed the trust of your partner, you need to cut off all ties with the person with whom you cheated.
. This means that it is necessary to exclude all phone calls, all messages, all email correspondence, not to mention any personal visits.
Once you and your partner have decided to go through this situation together, there should be no “last or goodbye” meetings with the one with whom you cheated. No contact at all!
If you've decided to leave this stage of your life behind, then that's where it belongs. Your partner who is trying to forgive you deserves it.
Perhaps you had reasons for doing what you did. However, you now have even more reasons to restore your broken relationship.
. And if you try to do this by maintaining contact with “that person,” then you will not succeed.
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Even if you have business ties with such a person, cut them off too. Otherwise, your partner simply will not have enough internal strength to restore his trust.
to you. Few people are ready to accept the fact that their partner maintains at least some connection with the person who almost destroyed their life together.
Physical betrayal2
Physical cheating means nothing more than intimacy with another person. Most often, physical betrayal is a continuation of moral betrayal, and in the future these two types exist together.
Much less common is physical betrayal, that is, sex without the feeling of being in love. These may be casual connections that do not imply any continuation.
Stop discussing what happened
Treason has taken place. Both partners decided to continue living together, strenuously fighting for lost trust, jointly building on the ruins of past relationships
new relationships. Relationships for the sake of a future life - happy, full of trust. In other words, you both decided to move forward together.
This means that once clarity has been established and the motive has been determined, it is necessary to stop discussing what happened. We need to stop discussing cheating
, return to it periodically in your conversations, adding salt to an unhealed wound.
There is no better analogy than this: imagine that you get seriously injured. You received stitches and a bandage. But you, instead of giving the wound time to heal
, periodically you tear off this same bandage in order to... look at your wound. This is reminiscent of the behavior of a masochist, isn't it?
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If you sincerely want to recreate a strong relationship with the same partner again, leave the past in the past. Live here and now. Learn from what happened, make the necessary conclusions and judgments
, and then move forward. Otherwise, the healing period may take much longer (if healing occurs at all).
If you changed
Being the culprit of problems in a couple is a heavy burden. But again, in a normal, healthy relationship, both are responsible for the betrayal of one partner. If you know that you haven’t had enough fun and aren’t made for serious connections, why torment a girl with your trips to the left?
Break off the relationship
We are responsible for those who were bullied. So, be brave and take this important step - break off your relationship and go out as much as you like.
But if your mistake was an accident, there should only be one girl left in your life. And your reunion should begin by breaking up the relationship with your lover, if this is not a one-time relationship.
You can call her in the presence of your girlfriend so that she will be calmer. You have to say that you choose your girl. And that she is more valuable to you than having affairs on the side.
This act will not return your girlfriend’s trust. This will require a lot more time and effort. But you must reek of desire to restore your union. And yes, don’t ask your chosen one to marry you right away. This looks as stupid as possible.
Be prepared for quarrels and hysterics
You will swear a lot. Most likely, remember to each other all the mistakes of past years, even if you agreed never to talk about it, especially if you cheated. Your woman’s anger will burst out for a long time for any reason.
She needs to throw out all the pain and negative emotions that she has accumulated. And it is quite understandable that you will become the object of these attacks. Your task is to become an emotional garbage can for her, because otherwise she may begin to take revenge by spreading her legs in front of everyone.
Every time you will have to reassure her, tell her that you understand everything and you can fix everything, it just takes time. It's like a daily affirmation: we can fix this situation as long as we're together.
It will take some time for your girlfriend to return to her previous normal state.
Be patient
Is a relationship possible after betrayal if the cheater, instead of trying to correct the situation, breaks down? No. You must find all possible zen within yourself, stock up on sedatives and become the most exemplary boy in the world. It won't be like before. But you have a chance to build a new relationship that will be even better than the previous one.
Trust will take a long time to be restored. The attachment is also torn. The tenderness disappeared in an unknown direction. Passion has gone into binge. You have only you, a lot of pain, your joint and a blank slate. What you draw there will become a picture of your relationship.
Both of you are left with a strong residue, and it takes care to clean it up day after day. You need to restore her trust, and she needs to learn to trust you again. Be patient, accept negative emotions calmly and remember why you started this.
It is clear that you will have negative emotions. Anger, fear, shame, mistrust and sadness. Don't close yourself off and try to suppress it all. You need to try to throw out all the negativity, not accumulate it. And sports will help you with this: go to the gym, start running in the morning. It is not life-threatening and gives an adrenaline rush.
Keep your promises
If you committed adultery and are given another chance, you have an incredible responsibility. It's clear that you should be completely transparent and not lie to your partner. But this is not enough.
Now you must also be careful about what you promise. And if they promised, then they must do everything to keep these promises.
Say only what you mean and don't give false hope. Your optionality for a long period of time
will be perceived as a lie. Even a small attempt to embellish something can cause a suspicious attitude towards you.
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Each of your misdeeds will respond with a new blow to the structure that we call restored relationships. And any of these blows could be the last, destructive
. Not only be honest with your partner, but show that you are consistent and dependable.
Analysis of the reasons for betrayal
The reason for betrayal may be the situation at home. Perhaps your spouse is no longer the most attractive, somewhat aged wife waiting at home, who will bore you about the “meaning of being”? What kind of man would like to constantly be in an atmosphere of criticism, constant orders and reproaches? And to deprive your husband of the most sacred thing - watching the match of his favorite football team with a can of beer in his hand - who can tolerate such an attitude towards himself?
Outside the “native” apartment, your man falls into the gentle and sensitive hands of his mistress, who not only does not “blow out” his mind, but is also ready to happily fulfill his any sexual fantasy. She gives him, albeit for a very short time, an atmosphere of calm, care, love and attention. And this “short time” will increase a little and increase every week.
Do together what you both liked before cheating
After betrayal, even if you have declared your readiness to survive it together, it is quite easy to get bogged down in everyday trifles. It’s very difficult to immediately abstract
from what happened and move on with your life. However, answer the following question: what was your relationship based on before the betrayal?
Any relationship is initially characterized by pleasant moments that need to be returned to again. Have a confidential conversation with your partner. Remember the things you did together
, and which gave you a mutual feeling of happiness. Think about all the places you have visited before; remember where you felt comfortable and warm together.
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It's time to visit them again! It's time to make dates again in the same places, go to the same cinemas, visit the same entertainment venues, cafes and restaurants. Such behavior will psychologically return
you back to the good times. Take them as a basis. And then organize new pleasant moments.
Cheating always brings chaos into the life of a couple, tearing it apart, breaking it into multiple pieces. The sharp claws of betrayal leave deep wounds on the heart, which take a lot of time to heal. However, they can be cured.
Sometimes it is simply necessary to destroy something shaky in order to build something stronger in its original place. And sometimes, in order to move forward, it is useful to look far back.
Calm
You may feel better if you think that your case is far from the only one in the world. Nothing catastrophically bad has happened in your life, and love is a feeling that cannot be controlled by willpower. Remember those episodes and meetings when you yourself had to flirt with men. Maybe something similar happened to your spouse, and after another “glass of champagne” he lost control of himself. In any case, what has already happened cannot be returned back.
Apologies
A person who keeps his remorse to himself is unlikely to be able to earn trust back. Be sincere.
To rebuild your relationship, you need to demonstrate to your partner that you are truly and sincerely sorry for what you did.
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This does not mean that you have to repent your whole life. But if you are not going to repent at all, live as if nothing had happened, and even in any conflict situation
make this clear, then you are hardly worthy of forgiveness. Express your sincere regrets and then move forward; restore what you destroyed with your own hands.
Gender differences and reactions to infidelity
As a rule, men and women evaluate their partner’s betrayal differently, which, in turn, gives different emotional overtones to their reactions.
It's important not to generalize too much—what's true for some people isn't true for others, but there is evidence that most people's responses are at least partially consistent with typical behavior for their gender. Understanding these biological and cultural programs, while variable and imprecise, should shed some light on your response to infidelity so that you may not feel so alone or abnormal. This will help your partner understand your feelings better. In general, women are determined to restore and maintain relationships; men - finish and look for a new partner. Women are more likely to become depressed and blame themselves; men are more likely to get angry and attack others, including in the imagination. Women are more likely to attribute infidelity to their overall unworthiness; men - their sexual inadequacy. Women tend to exaggerate the significance of infidelity and spend more time healing; men are able to separate themselves from the pain and move on.
To forgive or not to forgive
It is very difficult to forgive the betrayal of your significant other. Accepting the situation and understanding the reason for the action will help you understand yourself and raise your fallen self-esteem. It is very important not to confuse forgiveness with the fear of being alone.
The best option in this case would be separation, but without negative emotions and hatred towards your ex-husband. These feelings ruin your life, prevent you from starting a new relationship, and constantly remind you of betrayal.
Commitment to diversity
At the core of desire is novelty. The entire market for pornography and erotic goods is built on this law. We are turned on by what we have not yet tried, which is why in the embryonic stage of love desire hits the brain so hard, but over the years it melts away, and this is a completely natural process.
There are couples who know how to rekindle passion and look at such a familiar person with a “new look,” but for this you need to know yourself very well, know your partner and have a reserve of patience.
In the daily hustle and bustle, when you have a lot of things to do and a lot of children on your hands, it’s often easier to find a quick “dose” on the side.
Some statistics
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A survey was conducted in Russia in 2022, in which 3,000 men participated, and it showed the following results:
- 76% of Russian-speaking men have cheated on their wife at least once;
- 60% had extramarital affairs on a regular basis;
- 11% date single women;
- 60% have relationships with other people's wives.
Dissatisfaction
“We have different libidos,” “I love BDSM, but my husband doesn’t,” “I love blowjobs, but my wife is disgusted.” Paradoxically, such “little details” often become clear when months, if not years, of relationship are already behind you.
Libido may be hypertrophied in the initial stages (see the previous paragraph), but drop down to a level that is natural for a person (and yes, this also happens to men) when dates in a dark cinema are replaced by a general budget and untaken trash.
Many people at first go for atypical or even uncomfortable things in sex (because they are overwhelmed with feelings or in the expectation of “this is just this one time”), and then they are surprised to discover that this is not a one-time thing at all and that without hormonal euphoria, whipping a partner They don't have any fun with the whip anymore.
If a person is not ready to compromise, his undesirable partner is faced with a choice: deny himself and endure, or seek satisfaction on the side. Many choose the latter. And they can be understood.
Hundreds of pages of text can be (and have been) written about how to prevent betrayal, but we are talking about a fait accompli with two assumptions:
- Cheating is an anomaly. A partner who goes beyond the agreements does not do this systematically, it just happened this time.
- The other participant in the relationship found out about this one way or another.
