In what cases do you need the help of a divorce psychologist, and where can you get it?

Help from a psychologist during divorce is one of the most pressing tasks of modern practical psychology. According to Russian statistics, divorce affects about 80% of families. At the same time, divorce traumatizes all family members: first of all, the “victim” - the person from whom the spouse left, as well as children.

What are the stages of divorce?

Not all married couples live happily; some spouses decide to separate.
They get divorced for various reasons - they don’t get along in character, everyday difficulties, financial problems in the family, betrayal by one of the spouses. The divorce process itself consists of several stages - from the first quarrel to obtaining a divorce certificate. Any separation of once loving people is a complex psychological process. Not only do you suffer emotionally, all the people around you are also subject to moral distress. Therefore, you should know what stages of divorce exist and how to behave correctly during separation.

The essence of consulting a family psychologist

The purpose of family psychological counseling is to solve problems in family relationships.
In particular, family psychologists (having received higher professional education and sufficient qualifications) can teach you how to communicate effectively with your spouse without leading to conflicts, and how to strengthen your conflict resolution skills so that minor disagreements do not develop into catastrophic disputes. Ultimately, the main goal of family counseling is to help identify the cause of the problem that has arisen in the relationship, including (but not limited to): infidelity and jealousy, addiction, loss of intimacy, frequent quarrels and conflicts, problems in raising children.

In a situation where a family is on the verge of divorce, the help of a psychologist is based on clear pre- and post-divorce counseling strategies that can help you successfully navigate this process.

The main reasons for separation

Today, hundreds of families are breaking up, the reasons for the breakdown of relationships are individual for everyone, but the main reasons and stages of divorce of spouses are as follows:

• Financial difficulties.
• Domestic conflicts.
• Cooling feelings for each other.
• Problems of a sexual nature.
• The youth of the spouses, the unwillingness to give in to each other.
• Cheating on a husband or wife.
• No children.
• Bad habits on one side - alcoholism, drug addiction, gaming addiction.

Any reason, even the most insignificant, ends in a conflict, and if it is not resolved in time, it turns into quarrels and scandals. Such a long-term discord in a relationship leads over time to a cooling of feelings, and in some cases even to a desire to get a divorce.

Common causes of divorce

The reasons for divorce are different. But it is important to identify among them those that cause a woman a lot of pain.

1. Divorce at the request of the man himself. Any reasons (another woman, cooled love, new hostility, etc.). In this case, the wife suffers very much. Her self-esteem drops (“I was abandoned”). Perhaps she did not expect anything like this at all, and then this misfortune still falls out of the blue.
2. Divorce initiated by a woman. The reasons are different (the inability to tolerate infidelity, bad habits of the husband, etc.). Here, too, there can be a situation of stress, especially if a woman is forced to take this step, but she still loves her husband or is simply used to it and cannot imagine her life without a man.

If everything went as usual towards a divorce in their life together, then the wife is usually more or less ready for such a turn of events, and it no longer causes her pain and grief. But if the separation occurs unexpectedly, then the woman needs to be helped to survive this period. Here it is important to know and understand the sequence of awareness of the events taking place.

How do men cope with divorce?

According to the results of sociological research, the stages of divorce for men are much more complicated than for women.
Usually, after their parents divorce, children remain with their mother, and this is additional stress for the father, especially if he loves the baby very much. After a breakup, a man’s life completely changes; he has a lot of free time, which sometimes has nothing to occupy him. And if he considers himself to be the culprit of the divorce, this can lead to deep and protracted depression, from which only a specialist can help. This happens because the psychology of the stages after divorce in men is significantly different from that in women and not everyone can easily survive a divorce.

Some try to drown out mental pain and feelings by taking alcohol and drugs, but this only makes the situation worse. And if at the same time the ex-wife blames her husband for everything that happened, repeatedly telling him about it, he may develop depression.

Even if, when living together, the husband did not take full responsibility for improving life and raising children, this does not mean that he did not want to do this. Psychologically, guys are built completely differently, and sometimes they need a push. And they can experience a break in a relationship with a loved one very hard. But this does not apply to those young people who do not strive to save their family and, when relationships break up, acquire psychological stability.

Remarriage

The negative experience of divorce certainly influences the decision to enter into a new marriage. For yourself, you need to figure out what contributed to, served as the basis for the previous divorce, try to identify mistakes, understand what qualities, behavior prevented mutual understanding and for what reason they find themselves in similar situations with similar people of a certain type. You should analyze your behavior, the possible influence of your parents and environment, and take into account all your weaknesses for the future.

Sometimes the reason for divorce is cooling in the relationship after some time, or different views on the process of raising children, alcohol or other addiction of a partner, violence, infidelity, often this is too short a period of acquaintance before marriage. You should analyze all aspects, see your mistakes, and consider how to behave constructively in such situations. Sometimes such a simple method can prevent you from rashly choosing a similar partner with similar problems.

At the same time, women, to a greater extent than men, believe in the ability of the new chosen one to replace their child’s natural father. It is important that the motive for entering into a new marriage is not only the need to have a full family, but also common views and principles of life.

It happens that former spouses again want to restore the relationship and live together. Then they have a lot of work to do to understand what unites them (children, common business). You should also analyze past relationships, causes of conflicts, misunderstandings in order to prevent repetition of the same mistakes, habitual behavior, and reactions.

Two types

When it comes to remarriage, the most common types are:

1. When a middle-aged, sometimes elderly, divorced man chooses as his companion a young, beautiful, free girl, not burdened with children, full of energy and strength. Such relationships initially bring a lot of positive emotions, but most often they are formed on the need of a man to take care of a young girl as if he were his child, receiving in return fresh emotions, a surge of new strength and inspiration. The girl, in turn, finds protection, guardianship, patronage, and care in her husband. If both parties are happy with this, then the marriage has good prospects. In cases where a young spouse changes over time, becomes socially mature, independent, and sometimes wealthy, she can leave her usual role in the relationship. He begins to try to distance himself from the excessive care of his spouse, increasingly indicating his boundaries, showing his independence, and sometimes trying to seize the leading role in the family. Problems can also be of a financial nature, when the spouse’s income level changes, he can no longer provide the chosen one’s standard of living. The age difference manifests itself in the fact that the elderly spouse is not always able to maintain the standard of living of the young active partner due to health conditions.
2. Marriage with a woman who already has experience in family life and children from her first marriage. Although in most cases both partners have experience of starting a family and divorce, usually in such cases the age difference is small and there are children on both sides. At the same time, both partners are not satisfied with the previous relationship and enter into a new marriage with great enthusiasm in the hope that they will be able to avoid all the mistakes. Everyone wants to hope that in this union, married life will be much better, the relationship will be more harmonious, and they will certainly not make the same mistakes. As a rule, they already have a lot of experience, become wiser, have their own formed habits, an understanding of what they want from life, family and partner.

As for children, having them from a previous marriage often significantly complicates the process of getting used to a new relationship. Both adults and children need a lot of time to adjust, adapt, accept a new position, and get to know each other. To facilitate this important process, new parents (stepfather or stepmother) should try to take a position in the life of their children that will differ from the position of the natural father or mother for the better. We must understand that they will also be compared with their biological parents. Competition is hardly possible here; there is a high probability of losing against their background, of failing.

Stages of experiencing divorce in women

Divorce is a common decision of both spouses to separate, regardless of who is responsible for the destruction of the family. Usually a woman strives to save the family and only in rare cases does she initiate a divorce. The psychological stages of divorce in women consist of several stages.

At first, when a relationship breaks up, especially when her husband leaves her, a woman does not know how to survive loneliness, she is very worried. The state of stress is observed primarily in single mothers with whom young children remain. The financial side further aggravates the current situation, especially if the young mother does not work and can now rely on alimony from her ex-husband.

But women, thanks to their natural ability to accept the current situation, will be able to survive all stages of accepting a divorce with dignity. Many ladies, even after a marriage breakup, maintain normal relationships not only with their ex-husband, but also with his relatives. You should not blame yourself for all your sins and look for an excuse for the current situation; this will not fix anything, but will only harm your psyche.

Why is psychological help important during divorce?

In psychology there is such a term as “psychological divorce.” It means a state in which both spouses have let go of each other, began to lead an independent life and do not experience suffering over the mutual loss of a partner. Often circumstances develop in such a way that after the completion of the formal, legal dissolution of the marriage, a real break in relations does not occur - the former spouses continue to suffer, quarrel, and sort things out. Many are even forced to live in the same area.

Psychological assistance during divorce is necessary in order to realize its necessity (or lack thereof) and painlessly get out of the destructive relationship that led to the need for divorce.

How to survive a family breakup

Many married couples after a breakup are faced with the problem of how to survive the stages of divorce? Parting is always difficult both morally and psychologically, but it is not the end. But there is no need to give up on yourself, you still have your whole life ahead. There is always a chance to start over, find a new companion and feel happy. To do this, you should come to terms with the divorce, not consider yourself to blame, and normalize your feelings, because the psychology of the stages of divorce is different for everyone.

Listen to the advice of psychologists:

• If you and your ex-husband broke up because of a scandal, try to communicate with him only when necessary, do not try to get him back.
• Change the situation - renovate the apartment, buy new furniture. If possible, you can even move to another city, the main thing is not to return to sad thoughts.
• You cannot treat depression with alcohol; it will not relieve stress, but will only cause harm.
• Pay attention to your appearance - change your image, visit a cosmetologist and massage therapist, feel yourself the most attractive.
• There is no need to immediately start a love affair; at this stage after a divorce, women may compare a new acquaintance with their ex-husband.
• Get plenty of rest and don't overwork yourself, you always need to look great.
• Do not blame yourself for what happened, even if it is your fault. For example, last year Lolita was at the stage of divorce from her fifth husband, and at the same time she felt great.

Don't be afraid of new relationships

Often women begin to shun men if they have gone through the drama of divorce. But it's not right. Life is going. And a woman needs to love and be loved again. An unsuccessful marriage is not a reason to avoid the stronger sex in the future. Your man is waiting for you somewhere. Remember this. If something didn’t work out for you (not through your fault or anyone else’s!!!) with one person, it doesn’t mean that now it won’t work out with anyone. Live and be happy. Flirty with new men, make new friends. And you will definitely meet someone with whom you will feel good.

Mistakes women make after divorce

The psychology of divorce and the psychological stages of divorce in women differ significantly from male psychology.

Therefore, a lady who is left alone often makes the following mistakes:

• Constant stories that she was left alone - after a while none of her friends would listen to such complaints.
• Promiscuous sexual relations - such an attempt to forget your ex-spouse can help in the psychology of the first stage of stress after divorce. After some time, depression will return.
• Controlling the personal relationships of your ex-spouse - you should not follow his personal life on social networks or ask friends or relatives.
• Intrigue with your ex-husband - you shouldn’t wait and hope that he will return to you some time after the divorce. If your husband has left you, prove to him that you can live without him.
• Blackmail with joint children - there is no need to manipulate a joint child; ideally, children, even after their parents’ divorce, should feel the same attention from mom and dad.
• Refusal of financial assistance - if your ex-husband is ready to participate financially in raising their children together, you should not refuse.

Help for children during divorce

Children are the most affected party when their parents divorce. A child in a divorce situation is forced to choose which parent to stay with. At the same time, the second of the two closest and most important people in his life turns out to be far away - the child no longer sees mom or dad every day, does not live with him (her). Children (especially at a younger age) unconsciously tend to blame themselves for the fact that their family is no longer together, that one of their parents has left.

Often, after the parents separate, the child begins to behave inappropriately - he throws hysterics, whims, or, on the contrary, withdraws into himself. There are frequent unreasonable fears, nightmares, decreased performance at school and other acute problems associated with changes in the family environment.

A divorce psychologist can help a child even without his personal presence at the consultation. Often, it is enough for even one of the parents to receive psychological help to adjust the parenting model and allow the child to feel better.

The main task of helping children affected by their parents’ divorce is to help them cope with their feelings about the destruction of their family and grow into a harmonious person without feelings of guilt and other destructive complexes.

How to build a relationship with your ex-spouse

Situations of breaking up a relationship with a spouse are different; in some cases, the husband and wife do not communicate at all after a divorce, and some married couples still have children and a family business together. What should ex-spouses do if they have to communicate or conduct a common business?

You should listen to the advice of a family psychologist:

• The relationship between ex-husband and wife should be strictly business. Leave all emotions in the past, now you are connected only by common business.
• Formalize your child support payments. In the future, there will be no need to ask your ex-spouse to help their common children financially.
• Do not forbid children to communicate with their father, even if you parted not entirely peacefully.
• Do not interfere in the personal relationships of your ex-spouse, and do not justify yours; everyone should have their own new personal life.
• Do not forget about close relatives, even if you do not communicate with your ex-husband, grandparents on his side have the right to see their grandchildren.

Legal issues

These include:

• Property division agreement;
• Determining the place of residence of minor children;
• The procedure for paying alimony;
• Further communication with children.

It is very important to complete all documents in a timely manner. Legal issues include official procedures regarding divorce, agreements on the division of property, determining the place of residence of children, the procedure for paying alimony and further communication with children. The best way is to pre-trial resolve all issues based on mutual agreement and taking into account the interests of the children. The main goal of parents, as responsible adults, should be to realize that children should not suffer from their decisions. All their actions should be aimed at helping children overcome this difficult period, maintain close relationships, connections with both parents, not lose a sense of security and gradually return to a normal state.

After divorce

After a divorce, the psychologist’s task is to help the spouse who has suffered from the consequences of the divorce, has received serious psychological trauma, and is unable to get out of this state without outside help. He needs moral support and professional help to achieve psychological balance, self-confidence, and satisfaction. Sometimes you have to continue to overcome negative feelings towards your partner, preventing the accumulation of negative experiences, maintaining the ability to enter into new healthy relationships. Sooner or later, adaptation to the new life occurs, all feelings pass, and the attitude towards the ex-spouse changes. Relationships improve and can even be friendly. Ideally, it is good if partners manage to remember the positive moments of their marriage, remain friends, colleagues, continue cooperation, participate in the lives of their common children and, if possible, help each other.

Unfortunately, this is a perfect model of relationships and, most often, irritation with the partner, tension in the relationship and the inability to overcome conflicts persist for a long time. Of course, cases cannot be ruled out when the parties stop contacts completely and do not maintain any relations with each other. In any case, for a long time both parties continue to experience all the consequences of the divorce, finally overcoming difficulties a year, two or three years after the separation. Then finally the emotional state stabilizes and a feeling of calm and well-being arises.

Remarriage after a negative experience