11.05.2021
Dissatisfaction with appearance is one of the top five reasons for turning to psychologists. In adolescence, appearance is a particularly sensitive topic, as serious metamorphoses begin to occur with the body. Some people gain weight, some grow taller, many people develop acne, girls develop breasts, guys develop mustaches and beards. And all this - against the backdrop of the first romantic feelings and the natural desire to be attractive.
Teenagers often worry, for example, about the size of their nose or ears, scars, or braces. This often becomes the reason for the appearance of complexes, low self-esteem and self-doubt, and negatively affects the quality of life. Social networks with photographs of “ideal” people whom you really want to be like add fuel to the fire. Despite the trend of body positivity, celebrities broadcast their beauty standards.
How to stop having complexes because of your appearance and not spoil your life - we’ll figure it out together with psychologists from the Children’s Helpline.
Learn to perceive yourself without judgment
To do this, you can try the “Conscious Mirror” technique. To complete this, you will need a large mirror to see yourself in full height, and a stopwatch (all smartphones have it). Stand in front of the mirror, start the stopwatch and start looking at yourself. As soon as the first negative evaluative thought appears, press “stop” on the stopwatch. Write down how long you lasted without self-criticism. Repeat the exercise daily. A good result is to calmly, without criticism, examine yourself for 5 minutes.
An example of studying yourself in the mirror:
“I have short, slightly curly brown hair, brown eyes, fair skin with minor blemishes” is a neutral description of appearance, keep up the good work.
“I have short, slightly curly brown hair, brown eyes, fair skin with ugly pimples” - here a negative assessment of the skin condition is already given. The exercise is over for today, press “stop”.
Your task is to describe what you see in the mirror, without giving yourself negative assessments, without remembering “how it was before” and without planning changes. Don't make harsh emotional remarks or compare yourself to others.
By regularly performing this exercise, you will learn to look at yourself without judging and accept yourself for who you are.
Hide flaws and highlight advantages
If you don't like your nose or the shape of your lips, remember some famous actresses: flaws have become their calling card and made them recognizable. You can't call Julia Roberts or Sarah Jessica Parker's appearance ideal. Despite this, they managed to become the sexiest women according to many men's magazines. The key to defeating flaws is to make them your allies:
- We hide imperfect facial features with the right makeup, using facial contouring. You can find many makeup tutorials on the Internet. You can contact a makeup artist.
- Flaws in your face shape can be hidden with the right hairstyle. Contact a professional. He will choose a hairstyle for you.
- If you have skin problems, consult a cosmetologist. You can use folk remedies to eliminate skin problems.
- If you are overweight, you need to switch to a balanced and proper diet, and start doing feasible exercise. With the help of shapewear, you can hide figure flaws: emphasize your waist or visually enlarge your breasts.
You should evaluate your appearance rationally, carefully considering which flaws can be hidden and which ones can be corrected. You can generally focus on the advantages. First, you should look at yourself in the mirror and honestly answer whether everything is so bad in your appearance. Learn to highlight your strengths with makeup and clothing:
- If you are short, avoid clothes with large prints; plain clothes will help you appear taller.
- Heels make plump legs look slimmer. You can also increase the length of your legs with the help of clothes, choosing high-waisted dresses or tunics.
- Makeup also works wonders in eliminating skin imperfections. Today there are many ways to use cosmetics to make your eyes bigger, your lips fuller, and slightly protruding ears can be easily hidden behind a voluminous hairstyle.
Focus on the positives
Often teenagers are dissatisfied with a specific part of their body or its condition, but are fixated on this “flaw” so strongly that they begin to perceive themselves as ugly in general. They do not notice their advantages and attractive sides.
Once you have learned to look at yourself without judgment, take a green pen and write down what you like about yourself. The list must contain at least 10 advantages; the maximum number of advantages is not limited. If you can’t immediately gain the required amount, repeat the exercise again. Refer to your list regularly to boost your self-esteem.
Make a habit of focusing on positive characteristics. You can praise yourself, give compliments and be sure to smile at your reflection. This exercise will help you learn to perceive yourself positively.
Love yourself
Looking good is half the battle; you need to believe that you are an attractive woman. Often, even beautiful young ladies suffer from complexes, because it’s not only about appearance, but also about the fact that the girl simply refuses to recognize her beauty. Everyone has their own concept of beauty. To verify this, it is enough to conduct an experiment: in a company, ask each man to name a woman who seems beautiful to him. The result will be amazing - the choice will be different for everyone or will be slightly the same. Therefore, despite the fact that you have shortcomings, there will definitely be people for whom you will be beautiful. The main thing is to love yourself:
- First, stop comparing yourself to other girls. Not everyone can have the same lush hair, thin waist, beautiful lips and perfect nails. You are unique, you have your own strengths.
- Accept your flaws and love them, making them your highlight. For example, at the beginning of her career, Cindy Crawford wanted to get rid of her mole, which, as she believed, spoiled her appearance. Only a couple of years passed and every woman began to dream of a mole like that of a famous fashion model.
- Don’t self-examine and praise yourself as often as possible, even for small achievements. Did you go for a morning run today? Great! Have you given up the cake in favor of a figure? Perfect!
- Don't let anyone offend you, even if the criticism comes from your loved one. You must ensure that everyone around you respects you.
- Try to make your life as varied and interesting as possible by meeting interesting people and attending various trainings. This will distract you from complexes and help you perceive yourself adequately.
If you cannot overcome yourself and love the way you are, then love your future self by making a promise to yourself to immediately start taking care of yourself.
Love and take care of yourself, ignoring criticism and making yourself the center of your universe.
Take care of youself
There are many ways to make yourself more attractive. Sometimes it’s enough just to start taking care of yourself: change your clothing style, choose colors and styles that are more suitable for your body type and skin color, get a haircut. Start looking after your health: proper nutrition, facial care and moderate exercise can bring you the desired shape and clear skin, as well as a good mood, increased self-esteem and the habit of smiling. And a smile is the best decoration.
Instead of worrying about your appearance, experiment with style, think not about how to fix yourself, but about how you can take care of yourself. Agree, the desire to become the best version of yourself is better than the desire to meet other people's standards.
What are complexes in psychology?
Photo by Ron Lach: Pexels
The concept of complex was introduced into psychoanalysis by Carl Gustav Jung. Complexes are a subjective, painful attitude towards one’s shortcomings that affects a person’s psychological state. A distorted view of oneself leads to deep stress, low self-esteem, rejection, and sometimes even aggression or withdrawal.
This is a very broad topic and the reasons that make you feel dissatisfied with your appearance can be very different. Let's figure out together what steps you need to take on the path to love and self-acceptance.
Consequences
It is often easier for people not to evaluate themselves than to begin to believe in themselves. As the symptoms of the complex begin to progress, the individual's behavior changes and can affect the family. As a result, the married couple will break up, and the notorious person will no longer be able to become happy: his terrible appearance led to divorce. If the patient does not love himself, then the people around him will not respect him. The search for one’s own negative qualities will lead a person to accept the problems that arise as a normal phenomenon.
Often people who feel indecisive about their own abilities remain lonely. They simply withdraw into themselves, after which they lose friends and loved ones.
If an appearance complex is accompanied by a superiority complex, then you can lose the trust of your relatives.
When the appearance complex reaches its final stage, mental trauma occurs. It can even drive a person to suicide. This way the patient will solve all his problems. If there is no acquaintance or relative nearby, then unauthorized death may occur. With a complex appearance, people often turn their plans into reality.
An untreated complex can cause divorce
What does “complex” mean?
Before we begin to understand the reasons for your stiffness and constantly depressed state, let's define the concepts.
What is a complex? This is the totality of your feelings, thoughts, stereotypes, experiences. Formed in childhood, complexes deeply enter our lives, often flowing into constant uncertainty and comparing ourselves to others.
We become too picky. We can peer into the mirror for a long time, always finding flaws and not noticing the advantages.
Why is this happening?
There are three main reasons for this disturbing behavior:
Childhood psychological trauma
Ridicule from peers and criticism from outside cling strongly and for a long time in our memory, preventing us from freeing ourselves from other people’s opinions even in adulthood.
Signs that indicate that a child has developed complexes
You can determine that a child has developed complexes using the following signs:
- The child does not want to take joint photos with his family. Afraid to be photographed and separately from everyone. Hates taking selfies.
- If a child is photographed with a group of people, he stands behind all the other participants in the photo. Tries to hide his face behind other children.
- The child is afraid to look in the mirror. He removes him from his room. Doesn't like standing near him in the morning.
- The child looks at himself in the mirror with disgust. Gets upset when he sees his own face or body.
- The child often runs his hands over his face. Touches every part of him. Examines every hole, every pimple.
- The child wears large things in order to hide the flaws of his body from prying eyes. To prevent people around him from seeing them.
- The child is often depressed and stressed. He doesn't want to eat. Doesn't sleep well. He is indifferent to everything that surrounds him. Including the people around him.
- The child is afraid to make friends and meet representatives of the opposite sex.
What is the essence of the problem
In human society there is a subconsciously perceived standard of beauty, which may be associated with an evolutionary advantage. The symmetry of the face and body speaks of good genes and health in general, large eyes and childlike facial features evoke sympathy due to parental instinct, a certain hip-to-waist ratio in women shows the ability to bear and give birth to healthy offspring. So the problem is to attract a partner? Here's what psychologist Oleg Ivanov says about this.
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution
Lonely people are often dissatisfied with their appearance. And they most often see this as the reason for failures on the personal front. Unfortunately, these are the most common and most misleading judgments. We forget a simple truth: attractiveness is illusory.
There are a lot of people around who are ugly from the point of view of the standard, and they live happily, fall in love, create families and give birth to children. Moreover, in today's world, a sense of humor, caring, understanding and common interests can be much more valuable qualities than a symmetrical face and large eyes.
Appearance matters when looking for a partner, but does not determine success. Perhaps it's not the search for a mate, but the fear of social disapproval.
We are shy because we are afraid of negative statements addressed to us from others, loved ones, and colleagues. In this case, any, even the most innocent, prick from the outside causes resentment and tears. And this is due to low self-esteem and pickiness towards oneself.
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist
Understand that the thought that you are ugly is just a thought. Let it arise day after day and feel it as truth. The problem is not your figure, the shape of your face or the structure of your legs, the problem is this thought, and that is what you need to fight.
We will show you a way to change your attitude towards yourself, divided into several stages. Each stage takes about a week, but if you feel that you have not made much progress in the allotted time, then spend as long as necessary on one stage.
Origin of the complex
Many people are interested in what external complexes are. These are mental disorders that are aimed at a person’s appearance and his shortcomings. Exaggerating one's possible disadvantages makes a person very worried. She tries to avoid meeting with acquaintances and friends, because she is embarrassed to show herself. The complex is inherent in girls and women.
Many girls who have reached the age of 13-17 consider themselves ugly. Usually negativity is directed at some part of the body. For example, on the nose, extra pounds on the waist, ugly teeth, small breasts, protruding ears or acne on the skin. If someone makes a remark, the complex will increase several times. People who are not satisfied with their appearance are very worried. If someone told strangers about the presence of a problem or laughed because of protruding ears, the person’s mood will be ruined for several days, and resentment towards people will be felt for a long time. It all starts with small complexes, which over time develop into serious problems and mental illnesses. It is very important to start fighting them on time.
Girls often consider themselves ugly
How to increase self-esteem?
It turned out that in the normal state, when we see our body in the first person, we seem unattractive. But looking at our own appearance from the outside, we can find very attractive features in ourselves. This effect was especially noticeable in women. During the experiment, some of them even changed their views on their appearance and admitted that they did not look as bad as they previously thought.
Scientists believe that thanks to this discovery, people will be able to take a fresh look at their appearance and increase their self-esteem. As a result, there may also be fewer people with eating disorders. This is very good, because refusing food and trying to avoid weight gain by vomiting and taking medications has a very negative impact on a person's health.
It may sound like science fiction, but in the future, parents will be able to edit the appearance of their children. But will children like the appearance their parents chose? Is not a fact.
It’s true that looking at yourself through the eyes of other people is not so easy at home. You can’t just go to the mirror, because it shows a mirrored image, while the people around you perceive you completely differently. Only 3D modeling professionals can create their own avatar for virtual reality - it takes a long time to learn, and ordering your own model can be very expensive. In addition, not every person can write their own application for virtual reality. So there is only one more or less good option left. You can search your friends for videos in which you appear. Or you can ask to record a new video. This way you can find out as accurately as possible how people around you see you.
The results of the study were published in the scientific journal Frontiers in Robotics and AI. And the publication Wonderzine shared statistics of people who are dissatisfied with their appearance.
How to solve a problem
Be aware of it
Usually people consider their shortcomings obvious, but their behavior is not entirely conscious. This week is all about becoming aware of negative thoughts about your body.
Go to the mirror, look at your reflection and note the negative thoughts about your appearance that arise in your head. Also pay attention to nonverbal habits that reflect body shame that you unconsciously repeat day after day: sucking in your stomach, lowering your shoulders to appear shorter, or tucking your cheeks away before taking a photo.
Notice the thoughts that arise, for example, when you start comparing yourself to other people, forbidding yourself to wear what you like or eat what you want. You can memorize thoughts or write them down in a notebook.
This is only preparation for the real work, but it is important. To solve a problem, you must first fully understand it.
Every time an offensive thought about your appearance comes into your head, ask yourself, could you say this to your best friend or child? This exercise will help you understand how cruel you are to yourself.
Change your thought patterns to neutral ones
It is difficult to suddenly change your mind from “I am terribly ugly” to “I am beautiful.” If you have hated your body for a long time and are already accustomed to scolding yourself, first try to be neutral. For example, instead of “This dress makes me look fat” or “I'm a terrible pimp,” you could say, “This dress doesn't make me feel confident.”
During this time, do not participate in any conversations that involve discussing appearance - yours or someone else's. If everyone in the company starts talking about how they want to lose weight, get pumped up, or get plastic surgery, just don’t participate or try changing the topic.
Often the problem lies not in ourselves, but in the people around us. Toxic relationships with loved ones who like to casually point out body flaws at every meeting bring pain. Try to minimize such communication at least for a while until you learn to calmly react to unpleasant statements addressed to you.
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist
You can replace negative thoughts about appearance with positive thoughts about other qualities. For example, if you are not yet ready to say: “I look great,” you can replace the negative thought with “I draw well,” “I know how to listen to people,” “It’s nice to communicate with me.”
Focus on your successes, not your failures. Praise yourself for achievements at work, for a new signed contract, for successful negotiations. It may be difficult and difficult at first to pull yourself out of the “worthless person” state. But gradually it will become a habit, and self-confidence will increase.
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist
Stay at this stage until you feel that you no longer automatically judge people based on their appearance or make sarcastic comments about your appearance.
Change neutral thoughts to positive ones
When you have already realized that you are a wonderful person and have stopped judging yourself for the flaws in your appearance, it’s time to admit that these are not flaws at all. Every time you look in the mirror or take a selfie, compliment yourself. Praise yourself for everything that seems beautiful to you, and eventually you will see that beauty.
Complimenting yourself is like buying new glasses. At first they feel strange, but then you get used to them and stop noticing them altogether.
An interesting feature: even the most ugly person by general standards will seem beautiful to you if you love him. This also works for yourself. Moreover, other people are very sensitive to such changes. We subconsciously read the self-perception of the interlocutor, happily communicate with those who are confident in themselves, and avoid those who are withdrawn and secretly hate themselves. Therefore, by changing your attitude towards yourself, you will change the attitude of other people towards you.
Protect yourself from social media influence
Comparing yourself to people on Instagram is another manifestation of the obsessive desire to control appearance. Remind yourself that influencers, and ordinary users alike, most often post edited photos. Add variety to your feed: follow people with different appearance types and different opinions.
Check out the “Instagram vs Reality” Reddit thread from time to time. You will see how much pictures from the Internet can differ from reality. From time to time, you can even delete social media apps to take a break from them.
Take note
