How to stop having complexes about appearance and get rid of internal complexes

What are complexes and why do they arise?

The concept of a psychological complex is used to describe a “sore spot” in a person’s psyche, touching which can provoke inappropriate behavior, for example, withdrawal or aggression.

Complexes appear as a result of a certain trigger event, which brought a person many negative experiences and caused a distorted perception of himself, people and the world around him.

Each person has certain zones of self-esteem within which he can be vulnerable:

• appearance;
• personal traits;
• professional achievements.

Most complexes appear due to criticism from others. Surely you know how long someone’s careless words can stick in your head. At the same time, the person may not have wanted to offend you at all, but the process of self-doubt has already begun.

We live in a society, and therefore it is typical for us to want to correspond to the models set in society: to have a figure and facial features imposed by beauty standards, a level of income to be no worse than others, and even to have qualities that are in trend. Any discrepancy becomes a subject for the appearance of complexes.

Experts believe that 90% of all complexes we get from our parents. Incorrect upbringing leads to the fact that even in adulthood it becomes difficult for a person to feel loved and needed.

Society also makes its contribution, including close friends, colleagues, and relatives. One single bad joke about weight, height, ear shape, etc. can forever sow a seed of insecurity in a person and create sensitivity to any information about the body. If such unflattering remarks accompany a person constantly, the complex intensifies and does not allow one to live normally.

Types of complexes

There are two main types of complexes: physical and psychological.

The first are associated with external data, when a person is ashamed of his figure, face, leg length, eye shape, chest shape, etc. Physical complexes can be based on real defects or be far-fetched and provoked by someone’s careless remarks.

Psychological ones are diverse in their specificity. The most common of them:

• inferiority complex;
• victims;
• superiority;
• excellent students;
• guilt;
• complex in bed, etc.

There are also less common types of mental reactions, for example, the Oedipus complex or the Electra complex. We will not consider them, since working with such features is the work of specialists.

But you can try to get rid of the complexes that are more familiar to us on your own. Let's find out how to do this.

The meaning of the word complex

complex
(lat. complexus – connection, combination).

1. A group of correlated or associated factors. For example, a group of symptoms united by the concept of a symptom complex, syndrome;

2. In the psychology of memory - a group of closely related memories (Muller GE);

3. Synonym for the concept of “sensually colored complex of ideas” (Ziehen Th.)

4. In psychoanalysis: a group of associated emotionally significant ideas and impulses, suppressed or repressed by consciousness, since they are in conflict with the Ego and (or) Super-Ego. The concept was first introduced by S. Freud and E. Breuer (1895) in their work on hysteria, then developed both in orthodox psychoanalysis and, especially, in the school of C. Jung. - K. Antigone - manifests itself in the girl’s unconscious sexual attraction to her father. According to ancient Greek mythology, Oedipus, who realized all his crimes and blinded himself, was expelled by the Thebans to a foreign land and, being blind and decrepit, would have died, unable to withstand adversity, if not for the love of his daughter Antigone, who voluntarily went into exile with her father. Considered as the cause of some forms of neuroses and perversions. - K. Griselda - manifests itself in the father’s desire to keep his daughter for himself and in the resulting refusal to all applicants for her hand. This kind of incestuous attraction of a father to his daughter is considered as a late form of the Oedipus complex, replacing a man’s attraction to his own mother. Griselda is the heroine of D. Boccaccio (“The Decameron”), who is the personification of female virtue and endless patience. — Grandfather’s dream is inherent in men and consists of dreams of being one’s own grandfather. It is associated with the fact that a person notices that his parents, as they age, become smaller and smaller. Hence the desire to become superior to the father. It is interpreted differently: it indicates a relationship between K.d. and gerontophilia; according to E. Jones is associated with incestuous desires. - K. Diana - arises in the development of libido in girls, as if characterizing the regressive desire of women to be a man. Having discovered the absence of a penis, the girl supposedly perceives this as a punishment for something, and she becomes envious of the boy. Considered as a cause of neurotic conditions and some types of perversions. Diana (the ancient Roman name of the ancient Greek goddess Artemis) is a hunter-goddess who, according to some mythological beliefs, was characterized by male hobbies and a lack of interest in the opposite sex. - K. Jocasta (De Sansurre R., 1920) - lies in the pathological attraction of a mother to her son. The basis was the image of Jocasta, the heroine of ancient Greek mythology, who fell in love with her son Oedipus. See K. Oedipus. - K. Cain - based on the envy of brother towards brother. Cain, according to the Bible, is the eldest son of Adam and Eve, who killed his brother Abel out of envy. K.K. is seen as the result of one of the children being deprived, unlike the others, of parental love. Interpreted by psychoanalysts as the cause of neuroses. - K. castration (Freud S., 1908) - associated with children's castration fantasies. The boy is afraid that his father will cut off his penis as punishment for sexual activity. The girl notices the absence of a penis and dreams of restoring it. These fantasies arise with the child’s discovery of the differences between the sexes and are closely related to K. Oedipus. - K. Medea. Characterized by the mother's desire to kill her own children in order to take revenge on her husband. Medea, according to ancient Greek mythology, the Colchian princess, helped Jason and the Argonauts master the Golden Fleece. Fearing her father's revenge, she fled with Jason to Greece, but Jason deceived her and took another wife. Not content with poisoning her rival, Medea also killed her children by Jason. - K. inferiority - K. superiority. Two conjugate alternative concepts of Adler's individual psychology (see). Both of them are persistent and inadequate ways of overcoming the supposedly inherent feeling of inferiority in every person. With C.N., inherent in patients with neuroses, the subject moves away from the need to overcome life's difficulties and strives to avoid the very experiences of feelings of inferiority. At the same time, the patient is dominated by thoughts about his insignificance, insolvency, which he does not hide from others. K.p. is determined by a different, but also inadequate, position of the patient, who also avoids solving problems that are difficult for him, but at the same time demonstrates his exclusivity in other areas of activity. At the same time, the “worthlessness” of the problems ignored by neurotics is emphasized. This is a mechanism of a kind of overcompensation. According to A. Adler (1920), a feeling of inferiority is inherent in the entire period of development of a child who feels inadequate in relation to his parents and the world around him. The method chosen by a neurotic to define C.N. determines his entire “lifestyle.” — Ph.D. and K.p. are considered in Russian psychology as a manifestation of underestimated or overestimated inadequate self-esteem. - K. Orestes - manifests itself in a suppressed or unconscious desire to kill one’s own mother. See K. Electra. - K. Phaedra - manifests itself in the incestuous sexual attraction of a mother to her son. Considered as the cause of some neurotic disorders and perversions. Phaedra is the wife of the Athenian king Theseus, who experienced a criminal passion for her stepson Hippolytus. The ancient Greek myth of Phaedrus was variously interpreted in the dramas of the same name by Euripides, Seneca and Racine. - C. Oedipus - characterized by the son’s attraction to his mother and an unkind attitude towards his father. Psychoanalysts view the Oedipus situation (“family romance”) as an inevitable stage of sexual development of the individual, when in late childhood the child transfers part of his energy into sexual attraction to his parents. S. Freud considered K.E. as the basic idea of ​​neuroses, the culmination of childhood sexuality. Neurosis is interpreted as a regression of libido to one of the stages of infantile sexuality. Concept of K.E. applies to all mental illnesses: for example, its manifestation is considered to be the statement of a patient with schizophrenia that he is not the son of his parents, but his mother is his wife, his brothers and sisters are his children, etc. K.E., like other complexes, is a typical example of the pansexual approach of psychoanalysts to the interpretation of the clinic of mental disorders. Oedipus, a hero of ancient Greek mythology, killed the Theban king Laius, not knowing that it was his father, married his mother Jocasta and took possession of the Theban throne. - K. Electra - supposedly occurs at one of the stages of libidinal development in girls and is characterized by hatred of the mother and sexual attraction to the father. Electra is in ancient mythology the daughter of King Agamemnon and Queen Clytemnestra. She convinced her brother Orestes, who had returned to Mycenae after a long absence, to take revenge on their mother and her new husband, formerly her lover, because they had jointly killed Agamemnon. Syn: female Oedipus complex.

Explanatory dictionary of psychiatric terms

How to stop feeling complex about your appearance

It is believed that it is much easier to cope with physical complexes than with psychological ones, since the roots of the cause lie on the surface and lie in self-esteem and the desire to compare oneself with others.

Believe me, even very attractive people have complexes about their appearance. If self-esteem is at zero, then the reflection in the mirror will never suit you. Hence the cases when girls go under the surgical knife several times in an attempt to achieve an ephemeral ideal, but every time it seems to them that something is wrong.

Glossy magazines, photoshopped photos on Instagram and advertising add fuel to the fire. It is important to understand that there is incredible money in the beauty industry. It is beneficial for such a business to make people feel that they are not beautiful enough and spend money on improving their appearance.

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Below are the recommendations that experts give to those who suffer from complexes about their appearance. They are relevant for people of any gender and age, including teenagers.

Tips to help you love yourself:

1. Don't compare yourself to others and set clear boundaries in your relationships with those who constantly compare you. Every person looks the way he should look in order to walk his life’s path in a way that is good for his soul. Everyone is unique in their own way. Imagine what would happen if all women looked exactly the same. By the way, now there is a joke among people about a plastic surgeon for the wives of rappers. If you compare the life partners of popular rap artists, you will understand what we are talking about.
2. Think about who and when imposed the idea on you that there was something wrong with your appearance. What was the motive of the person who criticized you, and is his remark actually true?
3. People don't love you for your looks. Yes, appearance attracts, but that’s not why people love you. Even glossy beauties with legs from the ears are cheated on by their spouses, abandoned and left them. They love for other qualities. Moreover, beauty is a very relative phenomenon. It is quite possible that someone else is crazy about your hooked nose, which you don’t like so much, and considers this facial feature extremely attractive.
4. Work on your self-esteem. We have collected the best tips in a separate publication on how to increase self-esteem.
5. Instead of self-criticism and “tuning” your photos, treat yourself to a spa session, a massage, go to the pool, visit a cosmetologist, go shopping, book a photo shoot.
6. If you have complexes about your body and because of this you cannot open up in bed, remember that your partner may also have doubts about his own appearance. In addition, during sex, people most often think about how they themselves look. And honest and frank conversations on the topic of intimate preferences will help you relax and trust.
7. Change! If the desire to change your appearance is not dictated by an obsession to be like your idol, but rather by necessity, take the solution to this issue into your own hands. Many of those who dream of a better figure are simply too lazy to engage in physical activity. Set yourself a goal and go towards it. At the same time, compare your progress with your past self, and not with other people's successes and achievements. As a last resort, you can decide on cosmetic procedures and surgery, but keep in mind that the result does not always live up to expectations.

How do complexes arise?

According to psychologist Adler, inferiority complexes develop in childhood. The child wants to be treated the same as an adult. He wants the whole world to declare himself, his independence, his acquired skills.

If parents once made fun of their child’s cheeks and ears, this was remembered subconsciously in the form of resentment, embarrassment for their shortcomings. With age it formed as a complex. And now an adult girl is trying to hide her ears from everyone, although they have long become normal.

The presence of complexes or other psychological problems in a mother, father, older brother or sister, or teacher can spread to children. For example, the teacher often repeats that it is not possible for someone to be successful. Or the mother is dissatisfied with her height and projects this onto her daughter by dressing her in high-heeled shoes.

At an older age, the primary appearance is also possible with low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. Formed after negative feedback about personality or appearance from a loved one. Or emotionally charged criticism from a stranger in a large company.

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Inferiority complex.

One of the most common is an inferiority complex. It seems as if you are much worse than others around you. A feeling of inferiority develops. Thoughts that you will never achieve success and your goals.

Always in constant stress and anxiety. If they criticize or give a negative assessment, it hurts greatly. They limit themselves in communication and meeting new people in order to avoid ridicule and humiliation, because they are very sensitive.

There is another form of manifestation when they try to attract attention to themselves in different ways, because there is not enough love and recognition. There may be arrogant behavior, boasting, a desire to show oneself better than others.

A man without complexes.

Others rarely talk about a person without complexes, since he is the first to declare himself in such a way that everyone can hear. These are bright personalities who love to express themselves in every possible way. Often eccentric, shocking, without a concept of morality.

This pattern of behavior indicates that there are strong complexes. And their lifestyle is only an attempt to hide them both from society and from themselves in particular. If you want to hide something, put it in a visible place.

Of course, there are those who really don't have them. They were adequately raised by their parents, they became self-confident. Disadvantages that cannot be changed are accepted. And those that are possible, they strive to get rid of, develop, and improve themselves. But the difference between the first people is that they don’t shout to the whole street that they don’t have problems.

How to cope with psychological complexes

Getting rid of internal complexes is not so easy, because the sources of their appearance can go deep into childhood and take root for years.

Let's find out what you can do on your own.

Find the reason

A psychological complex is a set of suppressed fears, worries and other negative emotions that a person could not cope with on his own or did not receive timely support. Remember who became the source of your complex: mom, dad, sister, neighbor, classmate, bus conductor, store clerk.

In most cases, you will find that the original source comes from childhood. The child, due to his emotional immaturity, is very sensitive to other people’s reactions and cannot separate constructive criticism from groundless nagging. He takes any words in his direction as truth. “If they say I’m bad, that’s how it is!” - the child thinks.

Assault and emotional violence in the family can have serious consequences for the child’s psyche and have a negative impact on his adult life. A person brought up in such an environment will devalue himself in every possible way and try to earn the attention and love of others to the detriment of his own desires and interests.

Realize your worth

There are no useless people. Each one is needed for something and fulfills some unique role. You are already valuable by default, because you were born and live in this world. Your sense of self-worth should not depend on external successes and other people's opinions of you.

Feel the difference between self-esteem and self-worth. The first concept is related to self-evaluation, and the second is based on unconditional acceptance, regardless of conditions.

There are no perfect people. Even top Hollywood stars and dollar billionaires have complexes, fears and internal blocks. Allow yourself to be imperfect, make mistakes, say “no,” choose yourself and your interests, build personal boundaries and respect the boundaries of other people.

Interesting! Do you know that the tall and strong guardsmen under Napoleon Bonaparte never received promotions? It was all about the commander's complex about short stature.

I recommend reading our article on how to stop depending on other people’s opinions.

Find sources of inspiration

The advice about finding your hobby sounds very primitive and hackneyed, but it really works. Write down on a piece of paper everything that brings you sincere pleasure. It doesn’t matter at all whether these activities are fashionable or only appeal to you. What you love will become a source of joy, and achieving success in it will help strengthen self-respect.

Find a role model. This should be someone whose mindset you would like to aspire to. Subscribe to his blogs and be inspired to make your own changes.

Reconsider the environment

If you are around people who constantly make you make excuses, fight for your interests, feel humiliated, vulnerable, consider setting clear boundaries. State how it is possible with you and how it is not possible. Otherwise, you will have to minimize communication or completely sever ties. Even regardless of who this person is to you.

Be with those who motivate you for overall development, with whom you feel good and there is no need to defend yourself.

Build new neural connections

Our brain does not distinguish real events from those that we can imagine. Joe Dispenza, an American lecturer and researcher in the field of neurophysiology, talks about this process in detail in his bestselling books. You can weaken the old neural connections responsible for the complexes and build new ones that will symbolize your calm attitude towards the subject of concern.

For example, you are embarrassed by your “imperfect” body. As soon as you think about it, compare yourself to Instagram skinny people, worry, you strengthen the corresponding neural connection. It becomes more and more significant and has more and more influence on you.

Change the direction of your thinking. Imagine how calmly you walk along the beach in a swimsuit, without experiencing a shadow of embarrassment, as representatives of the opposite sex look at you with interest and admiration. The more often you start thinking about your body positively, the faster a new neural connection will be built and the old one will be forgotten.

By the way, the beach is a great place to get rid of the complex about your shape. Please note that people of all sizes rest there and most of them feel great.

This technique with neural connections can be applied to any psychological complex. Imagine how you confidently communicate in public, enjoy communication, feel significant in society, etc.

Change your lifestyle

Living life in despondency, feeling sorry for yourself and drowning in complexes, does not require much effort. But taking responsibility for your happiness and development is another matter. Move more, walk in the fresh air, read interesting books, sign up for courses, workouts, watch your diet, get enough sleep.

No one will make your life interesting, comfortable and joyful for you. It all starts with our inner mood and state.

But for motivation, here is an article in which we tell you how to start life from scratch.

What is a complex?

A complex is a painful attitude towards one’s own shortcomings, imagined or real. A person tries in different ways not to show that there is such a problem, but in most cases the mental state is devoid of control by consciousness. The word itself comes from the Latin word “Complex” - combination, connection.

In psychology, they represent a set of motives and attitudes that can provoke strong emotions and feelings. In everyday understanding , this is a “pain point” that they try to diligently hide from prying eyes. If others notice her, they can take advantage of this and try to hurt her in every possible way. What can be both an expedient fear and a fear that lives only in the head of this person.

Main symptoms of complexes.

The concept of “complexes” has become popular in frequent everyday use. They often refer to things that have nothing to do with it. Main features of the complex:

• a person believes that he is not worthy of love because of his shortcomings;
• is very worried about the specifics of his appearance or behavior pattern;
• blames parents for the problem;
• feels awkward doing work that needs to be evaluated by others;
• all efforts are aimed at achieving an ideal in which the parameters are often unrealistically inflated;
• blames himself for being dishonest towards others, or vice versa – that they treat him inadequately, with inflated demands;
• the level of anxiety rises before meeting strangers or important people, a feeling of awkwardness appears;
• for all failures he blames an element of appearance or behavior that becomes the cause of formation;
• excessive constant stiffness.

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Classification and reasons.

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Depending on what the experience of shortcomings is built around, there are:

1. Mental - based on psychological trauma, conflicts, attitudes. For example, complex: sisters, victims, inferiority.
2. Physical – relative to the body. For example, about height, weight, nose.

Classification regarding how they affect the person himself:

1. Negative - destructive, cause anxiety, anger, disappointment, anger at oneself and others, a feeling of embarrassment, isolation. Possible development of depressive disorder.
2. Positive – desire to improve, strives for realistic goals. They make a person better, more confident in their own abilities.

The reasons why a psychological complex sits so persistently in the head, haunts you anywhere, and is so difficult to get rid of:

• formed at an early age - all statements from parents do not pass the filter of criticism;
• are located deep in the subconscious, directly affecting the entire psyche;
• interact with all personality traits;
• are under the “covers” of defense mechanisms.

Useful materials

I suggest you pay attention to books about the manifestation of complexes and ways to eliminate them:

• Daniel Reinemer “Complexes – so what? How can we recognize them and live with them?”
• Arianna Huffington “How to get rid of inhibitions in love, work and life”
• Wayne Dyer "How to get rid of the victim complex"
• Anna Shekhova “Cinderella Syndrome. How to get rid of the good girl complex”
• Hans-Joachim Maatz “The Lilith Complex. The dark side of motherhood"

A course from Vikium Brain Detoxification will help you get rid of complexes, toxic thoughts and love yourself. It consists of 10 lessons, includes practical tasks, exercises, video and audio materials, as well as recommendations for independent work. With a discount, the program now costs only 990 rubles.

Vikium also has a course on Critical Thinking. These are 9 classes and 2 simulators. You will learn from them:

• do not be influenced by the media and advertising;
• achieve your own, not imposed goals;
• wisely manage your most valuable resource – time.

I also recommend reading posts on our blog:

• How to become self-confident - an article for women;
• How to become self-confident - for men.