Inferiority complex: how to stop feeling inferior to others?

An inferiority complex is a set of behavioral reactions that affect a person’s sense of self and make her feel incapable of anything. An inferiority complex often forces people to seek help and support from others. They want someone to accept their condition and help them overcome difficulties. The complex itself does not allow you to fully develop and realize your dreams and goals. A person simply gets stuck at a certain stage and is afraid to move. It sometimes seems to him that any attempts to find peace of mind are completely pointless. What is the complex and is it possible to somehow get rid of it?

What is an inferiority complex

What does inferiority complex mean? This is a set of negative emotions that manifest themselves as anxiety, a feeling of shame, and confidence in one’s inferiority. All of them are based on the results of comparing oneself with other people.

Most often, an inferiority complex develops in people with physical disabilities. They just hate their appearance. Development can also be affected by social status, intelligence, character, and personal qualities.

Some people have been struggling with the complex for several years. Others suffer from it for the rest of their lives. This leads to serious problems, ranging from depression to the destruction of relationships with family and friends.

The concept of “inferiority complex” was introduced by the Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler. He initially applied it to children. In his opinion, every child suffers from such a complex to one degree or another. But this happens due to psychophysiological characteristics.

Remember how, as a child, you also said what you would do when you grow up. In childhood, this attitude towards oneself encourages one to change for the better and grow. But sometimes, under the influence of a number of negative factors, the situation only gets worse.

Many adults are small, resentful children inside. They do not know what safety is, do not believe in themselves and their strengths, and acutely feel helpless. At the same time, they really want to feel love and happiness. And they receive them, but in some perverted way. They show aggression, constantly fight for power and prove personal superiority.

Feeling inferior - where does it come from?

— Let's look at the definitions: are inferiority complex , low self-esteem and guilt complex the same thing? If not, what's the difference?

— The term “inferiority complex” entered the psychological literature with the light hand of the Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler, along with the “superiority complex” and “social feeling.” The inferiority complex, like many other complexes, is not a fiction, but a psychological reality.

— Where does it come from?

- It arises from constant correlation of oneself with other people. Perhaps for the first time - in early childhood, when the little “king of the universe”, around whom the world revolved, suddenly realizes himself as a weak, helpless and insignificant creature. The figures of adults and older children grow to gigantic sizes. In a sense, childhood is Gulliver's journey to the land of giants.

And even having equaled the giants in stature, a person continues to feel insignificant and helpless: there will always be people nearby who are stronger and more significant than him. The inferiority complex is fueled by feelings of envy and fear of rejection. In religious terms, it is envy of God. The desire to “take heaven away from God” (words from a Soviet song). With a clear understanding that it is impossible to envy God: if He does not exist, then how can one envy the “zero” that “atheists preach” (F. Dostoevsky). If there is a God, then man will always be insignificant before the One for whom the stars are sparks.

I think that the inferiority complex itself is not a pathology, but part of a person’s normal attitude towards the world. A much larger number of problems are generated by a superiority complex, aka pride, aka charm in the old sense of the word - seduction.

— But isn’t an inferiority complex the other side of pride? After all, in such a state, a person constantly needs to feed his pride with something...

- No, not the opposite. Although the external results are close: the person avoids communication. But in the first case, he considers himself unworthy, afraid of failure, afraid of being rejected. And in the case of a superiority complex, he is superior to everyone and does not want to stoop to communicate with those who obviously will not understand him.

— In the first case - vanity, in the second - pride?

- Yes. Vanity is aimed at communication, it needs support from the outside. Pride is a person’s personal matter; he already believes that he knows everything about himself, and everyone else is below him, so their opinions do not matter. Of course, this is a schematic explanation.

— When you say that an inferiority complex is not a pathology, but part of a normal attitude towards the world, what do you mean?

— A person who has a correct attitude towards the world is aware of the limitations of his capabilities. Including the limitations of your mind. That is, he understands that he is not omnipotent, not omniscient. And certainly not all good...

— Awareness of the limitations of one’s capabilities and an inferiority complex are identical, then?

- In a certain sense. But for a complex person, awareness of limited capabilities begins to interfere with everyday life. That is, it leads to social phobias. For example, like this: “I can’t do this because I’m bad”; or, say, “I will not participate in a charity program simply because no one will listen to me and the cause will only lose.” This is a sign that the normal limit has already been passed.

— What does it take to overcome such attitudes?

— An inferiority complex requires compensation and overcompensation. It's about achievement, about success in competition. For example, they write about the Demosthenes complex, who had a speech impediment. And he sought to overcompensate for it, tried to speak while stuffing his mouth with pebbles, that is, he worked on himself, patiently corrected his defect and eventually became an orator. A similar story happened to Adler himself. He did not do well in mathematics and had to be expelled from the gymnasium. The feeling of inferiority forced him to take up the task, and he became the first student.

By the way, Adler wrote that compensation can be on the “useful side of life” and on the “useless”, “dark” side. In other words, hooliganism at school is a common form of compensation for insufficient educational success.

— But this is not overcoming the problem, but overcoming its symptoms. Doesn't a person thus become painfully dependent on his successes and failures?

- That's what we're talking about. Compensation always involves competition and achievement orientation. If there is no success, then the complex, of course, will return with renewed vigor.

— So he is indestructible? But a humble person shouldn’t have any complexes...

- Ideally, a humble person should not. But the path to this is spiritual and very intense; attacks of depression and self-deprecation are frequent along this path.

Another conversation is that this is normal in the life of a believer, since there is a vertical dimension in his worldview: he sees a goal in front of him, sees an ideal - Christ, and perceives earthly life as a struggle to get closer to this ideal. “I will decrease, but Christ in me will increase.”

— How can you not slip into savoring the feeling of your own worthlessness in your self-deprecation and attempts to “come to terms”?

- Think less about yourself. Adler said that the queen of ugliness is still a queen. Savoring your own worthlessness in this sense is not much different from savoring your own greatness.

Signs of an inferiority complex

An inferiority complex has pronounced signs. The appearance of at least one of them should alarm. People suffering from this problem live with fear. They are afraid of making mistakes, they try to please others and meet their expectations. Sometimes they completely forget about their desires and needs.

Diffidence

A person has such low self-esteem that he does not allow himself to make plans, fulfill desires and dreams, or strive for meaningful results. And first of all, this affects the psycho-emotional sphere. The individual does not know how to make decisions, is afraid to act, and feels constant tension.

People with an inferiority complex do not know in which area they would like to realize themselves. They may be dreaming about something, but they constantly push the dream into the background. At the same time, they consider themselves not smart or capable enough.

Voltage

It's about emotional stress. It deprives a person of a full life, joy, and freedom. He simply does not allow himself to be happy.

An inferiority complex causes anxiety due to the fact that one cannot cope with problems. Dejection and apathy become constant companions. As a result, in addition to psychological tension, muscle tension develops. Devastation follows.

Excessive self-criticism

Another symptom of an inferiority complex. Man is in a constant search for his shortcomings. He believes that in all situations he is worse than others. Constantly compares himself with others and, of course, does not win in comparison.

As a result, the individual withdraws into himself and refuses to do anything. And, what is especially sad, this can continue for many years.

Disparagement

People with an inferiority complex will never feel like a self-sufficient person. They stubbornly ignore their strengths and character traits. Before their eyes there are only shortcomings. They try to please others by any means possible, while forgetting about their own needs.

"Orthodox" complexes

— Boris Grigorievich, where is the line beyond which repentance and an attempt to reconcile turns into a pathological complex of guilt and a feeling of one’s own worthlessness?

- It seems to me that a person himself is not able to mark this boundary: it can be almost elusive and runs not inside, but outside - in relation to other people, to one's neighbor.

There is one true criterion: as long as self-deprecation leads to closeness with others, goodwill, and the ability to forgive, there can be no talk of pathology. And if a person turns away from others, withdraws entirely into the inner world, loses the joy of life, completely condemns himself, without trying to correct anything, we have despondency, depression - in our professional language. And, of course, even though there is a “carnal level” in depression (say, serotonin metabolism suffers), not seeing the mental and spiritual components in it means remaining at the level of primitive materialism.

— Is depression on this basis really more common among Orthodox Christians than among other people?

- Don't think. The first half of my medical practice took place in conditions of almost total atheism. But there was no shortage of depressed patients and people with complexes. Now the number of believers has increased by two orders of magnitude. And if religion were truly a pathogenic factor, it would affect the overall incidence of depressive conditions. But she remains the same...

Reasons for the complex

According to Adler, the inferiority complex is a consequence of the fear of loneliness, the fear of feeling superfluous, useless, rejected. Also, according to the scientist, most often the complex arises in childhood. It is then that the child experiences a number of restrictions, which, as stated above, are associated with his age characteristics.

Other causes of an inferiority complex are:

• physical or cosmetic defects;
• lack of independence skills and conditions for their formation;
• overprotection, excessive control, suppression of personality on the part of parents;
• lack of parental attention in childhood;
• psychological trauma, for example, divorce, life in an orphanage, various types of violence;
• discrimination;
• failures that resulted in unnecessary criticism from others.

It is worth noting that both excessive and insufficient attention from parents can lead to the development of an inferiority complex in a child. In both cases, he does not have the opportunity to become independent, self-confident, and self-sufficient.

In simple terms, suppression of a child’s individuality in childhood leads to an inferiority complex.

It is noteworthy that a number of others develop simultaneously with this condition. Most often it is a superiority complex. It is easy to define: a person behaves extremely arrogantly, constantly brags, and tries to increase low self-esteem by humiliating others.

Inferiority complex in men

In men, an inferiority complex is a consequence of an excess or lack of maternal love. It manifests itself in unmotivated aggression, arrogance, and attachment to things that emphasize masculinity.

In psychology, there are several forms of inferiority complex in men:

1. King David syndrome. A man tries to “slow down” aging by choosing a young girl as a companion.
2. The boss syndrome is a constant emphasis on one’s virtues and masculinity.
3. Napoleon syndrome is ambition, vanity, a painful desire to always succeed in everything.
4. Fear of sexual problems.
5. Lost Energy Syndrome. It most often develops in men over 50 years of age.
6. Lot's syndrome - fear of giving one's daughter away in marriage.
7. Hercules syndrome - dependence on a woman in terms of finances, etc.
8. Kotovsky syndrome - shaving hair so that no one notices baldness.
9. Don Juan syndrome is a quick break in relationships with absolutely all girls.

In men, the formation of an inferiority complex most often occurs against the background of physical disabilities, poor financial situation, and impotence. Don't forget about appearance. In particular, representatives of the stronger sex attach great importance to height.

On the verge of hypocrisy

— Let's move on to the feeling of guilt - this would seem to be the usual state of an Orthodox person...

— The guilt complex is much deeper than the inferiority complex and has a clearer religious connotation. Suffice it to say that to overcome inferiority, competition, improvement, and compensation are necessary. And to overcome feelings of guilt - atonement and forgiveness.

— Does the Orthodox tradition of repentance really provoke a guilt complex?

- In a sense, it provokes. But this does not mean that the Orthodox understanding of repentance is obviously incorrect. After all, the first words in the Gospel are spoken not by Christ, but by John the Baptist, and these are words about repentance: Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand! The need for repentance stems from the feeling of the nearness of Christ.

Awareness of one's personal sinfulness is the starting point of spiritual growth. Christianity is not at all a religion of the self-satisfied and self-confident. And, so to speak, the style of our spiritual life is aimed at overcoming our imperfections with the help of God. But you need to know what exactly you are overcoming? Conscience is a delicate instrument that must be properly tuned. Here is Orthodox asceticism, prayer is a kind of tuner of the soul.

In daily prayers and subsequent services, our sinfulness and guilt before God are constantly emphasized. We read the penitential 50th Psalm daily: Behold, I was conceived in iniquity, and in sin my mother gave birth to me...

In prayer before Communion, we call ourselves first from sinners. And what about the text of the Great Penitential Canon of Andrew of Crete, in which our soul is equated with the souls of all biblical sinners and villains, including Lamech, who boasted of murdering his wives?

In prayers when reading the Psalter, self-accusations are pronounced on behalf of the deceased for such sins that the deceased, perhaps, did not know... And there is also the famous “Scenic Repentance.” This very poetic prayer, which, in my opinion, was circulated mainly among the Old Believers, contains such a list of sins that you are surprised how inhalation and exhalation were not included in it.

— It turns out that it is normal for an Orthodox Christian to consider himself the most sinful, to believe that he is nothing, just a tool, that he is really the worst of all?

— I would not call such an attitude towards myself truly Orthodox. What scope for hypocrisy here! I remember Kuprin’s story “Peaceful Life”, in which a vile man listens with pleasure to the canon of Andrei Kritsky. He presents himself as humble and very Orthodox, but at the same time he ponders the denunciation while listening to the penitential canon. And he doesn’t feel any contradiction.

This is, in a sense, a very familiar type to me.

— That is, the danger of putting on a “mask of humility” concerns everyone who goes through repentance...

- Yes, and a person who is emphatically “humble” in reality can easily turn out to be tough, inflexible, and even unkind. I have dealt with people like this several times. Example. Some time ago I formally directed the Orthodox mercy center. Formally, because my “deputy” was distinguished by rare willfulness and blocked any of my initiatives, not forgetting to ask for forgiveness every time with her eyes downcast... Naturally, she received forgiveness as formal as the request for it. I believe that the business we were doing suffered greatly from this...

From a psychological point of view, a mask is the norm. And from a spiritual point of view, what could be worse than hypocrisy? Woe to you, hypocrite Pharisees! - this is the most frequent invective that we hear from the lips of the Savior.

— If a person doesn’t really consider himself the worst, but continues to say “I’m a sinner, I’m worse than everyone else,” does this necessarily lead to internal conflict and hypocrisy?

- Not really. Paradoxically, the hypocrite does not experience internal conflict and, from his point of view, is completely healthy. And, therefore, he will never turn to a psychologist. His psychological defense mechanisms work perfectly. In a sense, life for such a person is a masquerade; he can rejoice in the fact that the mask suits him, that it is better than other masks. Psychologists talk about “masks”, about the “false self”. Just recently I read an article by the famous child psychologist Donald Winnecott on this topic. He considers the dominance of false ideas about oneself to be a very dangerous condition. It's not like a person will get sick from it. He just won't live his life...

— In what sense?

“He will constantly chase a non-existent ideal, try to correspond to a certain image of himself that has formed in his head and which he considers worthy of the approval of the people around him.

— Can self-blame - unhypocritical - even be considered a normal, healthy human state?

— Self-accusation is the usual state of mind of one who delves into the meaning of liturgical texts and strives in prayer to identify himself with a completely fallen sinner. But it often happens that we overemphasize our sinfulness - this means that we either skim the surface of our prayers of repentance, not understanding or listening, or this is some kind of internal protest...

Everything needs moderation. Getting bogged down in thoughts about sins is just as dangerous as getting bogged down in sins. Only the dangers are different.

— But how, in this case, should you treat the words of prayers of repentance if you sincerely cannot take them personally?

“Sometimes you need to feel it deeply.” To call from the depths. But this is far from psychological topics; I would leave these questions to my confessor.

Humility and/or dignity?

— What is humility in the language of psychology?

“It seems to me that this is a calm state of mind, a willingness to accept any challenge. Psychologists will say “high frustration tolerance,” but it is not appropriate to answer questions about humility in our terms. In addition, humility presupposes a willingness to act calmly and correctly with other people, “without upsetting or embarrassing anyone,” as they say in the prayer of the last Optina elders.

Narcissism, painful resentment, irritability - all this contradicts the concept of humility. One can say almost the same thing about humility that the Apostle Paul says about love - it does not exalt itself, does not seek its own...

— From a psychological point of view, what positive aspect is there in humility and repentance?

— There is a serious element of reality in self-deprecation. We not only consider ourselves sinners. We really are. Our achievements are also not so great. And our world is not so perfect. And we are all powerless before the greatness of God and His creation. And the ability to see yourself in the world as you really are is a great thing. In the end, self-control and a sober view of oneself is exactly what a good psychologist should develop in his client.

There are, however, psychological trends that encourage a person to forget fear and reproaches of conscience, and openly express his hostility and aggression. But I don’t belong to these directions.

— By eradicating his shortcomings, belittling himself, a believer does not have the right to notice his merits and attach importance to his successes? We are worthless slaves, because we did what we had to do (Luke 17:10)…

— Rather, I shouldn’t focus on my successes, but, of course, every person notices his own successes. And really, a believer cannot appreciate what he does? Another thing is that a believer knows the value of these successes. And that we do not have the right to trumpet at all crossroads about the “good deeds” we have performed. We don’t carry our self-esteem around like a piece of cake. In a sense, ideally, faith should be a vaccine against narcissism.

That's what's important! Don't look for victories in your relationship with God. Here is the ending of Rilke's poem, translated by Pasternak:

Whom that Angel defeated, He rightly, not proud of himself, Comes out of such a battle In consciousness and in the prime of his strength. He will not seek victories. He waits for the higher principle to defeat Him more and more often, in order to grow in response to him.

— And the words: “Everything bad in me is from me, everything good is from God” - the position of a weak, passive person?

“You shouldn’t talk about this seriously.” In my opinion, such a formulation contradicts the famous words of Christ: the Kingdom of God is within you.

And the idea that a believer is obviously inferior, weak is offensive and does not correspond to reality. The list of great believers is so huge that there is no point in even discussing this issue.

— Doesn’t a person’s self-esteem and individuality suffer because he tries to humble himself and does not attach importance to his successes?

- Individuality - in no way! It is described by a thousand psychological characteristics, and narcissistically inflated self-esteem can only be called the leading one in pathology. Accuracy, pedantry, restraint, impulsiveness - do these traits depend on self-deprecation?

— What about self-esteem?

— Humility and recognition of one’s own sins and weaknesses does not diminish a person’s dignity, but simply removes this issue. Because, from the point of view of a believer, if God “made him a little lower than the angels, crowned him with glory and honor” - isn’t this the highest dignity of a person? Is it not in the indestructible image of God?

Inferiority complex in women

In women, one of the main reasons for the development of the complex is appearance. It has its own signs:

• non-acceptance of external data, physique;
• denial of being female;
• non-acceptance of male representatives;
• constant feeling of guilt;
• fear of being alone;
• worries that inner potential has never been revealed;
• the certainty that no one loves a woman and cannot love her.

A woman who suffers from an inferiority complex is not confident in herself. She becomes withdrawn, too self-critical. She devalues ​​everything she has achieved.

Why is an inferiority complex dangerous?

An inferiority complex provokes the development of a number of mental disorders:

• thoughts of suicide;
• dependence on other people, living conditions, certain habits;
• neuroses;
• chronic depression;
• degradation;
• persistent feelings of guilt, self-pity, self-flagellation;
• destruction of relationships, family breakdown;
• loneliness, isolation, an attempt to completely exclude contact with the outside world.

As you can see, an inferiority complex entails very disastrous consequences. And the saddest thing is that many of them are irreversible.

How to get rid of an inferiority complex

You can treat an inferiority complex either independently or with the help of a specialist, for example, a psychoanalyst. The main thing is to understand and eradicate the reason why it appeared.

Self-treatment

The first and most important rule is to find out what led to the development of the problem. It's easy to do. First, you need to think again about situations where hurtful words were spoken to you. You don't necessarily really deserve them. The second step is to relive and let go of the grievances. Understand that all people can make mistakes.

There are other recommendations:

1. Learn to look at yourself through a positive lens. Find positive qualities and advantages in yourself. Remember all your successes and achievements. Write them down on a piece of paper and review them from time to time.
2. Work on your weaknesses. Remember, you can get rid of them. Find your motivation. This could be reading self-development books, attending seminars and trainings, listening to audio books, or meeting successful people. Take every opportunity to change for the better.
3. Take criticism less sensitively. Most often, it is not directed at you personally, but at your actions or the situation as a whole. Remember that in psychology, an inferiority complex is, first of all, not the remarks themselves, but how you react to them.
4. Learn to accept compliments adequately. Do not look for a catch in the words of the person speaking them. Thank you for your kind words. If you are sure of insincerity, simply move the conversation to another topic.
5. Keep a diary. Just don’t need to write down everything that happens to you. Let this be a diary of your successes and achievements. This is a good way to combat an inferiority complex, another proof that you have something to be proud of.
6. Love yourself. No, of course, you shouldn't become a narcissist. It's about healthy self-esteem. A simple exercise will help you raise it. Standing in front of the mirror, say something good about yourself, give compliments.
7. Don't compare yourself to other people. This is the biggest mistake. Remember, you are an individual. Under any circumstances, remain yourself.
8. Play sports, change your image. All this will give you self-confidence. Don't be afraid to change, even if the changes are drastic.

And one more piece of advice: talk to someone you trust. The support of your family and friends will help you find the strength to get rid of your inferiority complex. Perhaps these people will talk about their experience of dealing with it.

Working with a psychologist

The help of a psychologist is needed if the above-described methods of getting rid of an inferiority complex turned out to be ineffective. Most often, specialists use 4 methods in practice:

1. Psychological trainings. There are several types. One example: divide a blank sheet of paper into 2 parts with a vertical line. On the one hand, write down your good qualities, and on the other, your bad ones. Afterwards, the psychologist cuts the sheet in half. He gives a list of positive traits to the client. The negative ones need to be destroyed.
2. Family therapy. It is carried out in cases where the cause of the inferiority complex is psychological trauma from childhood. Family members, in particular parents, are involved in the work.
3. Personification. An effective way to get rid of an inferiority complex. The psychologist sets an interesting task for the client. He needs to talk to some inanimate object. In a conversation, you can express absolutely everything that worries you. We need to speak out. If desired, such exercises can be done at home, talking, for example, with pets.
4. "Protective field." An interesting way to overcome an inferiority complex. A person needs to mentally cover himself with a dome every time someone unjustifiably criticizes him or makes caustic remarks. This will help protect against negativity.

These are just some of the ways to overcome an inferiority complex. Which one will be used in a particular case depends on the situation. Complex therapy is often carried out.

Feelings of inferiority due to education

Hello Olga. It is clear that you are very preoccupied with the consequences of your choice of profession several years ago. Because this choice brought you to the point where you are now, and you don’t like it here. It's logical. But what violates the norms of logic are the statements:

Olga

there is no longer an opportunity to recover at the first university, there is no strength and extra money,

Olga

I have no place in life

Olga

it seems that there is no future either.

You have a place, but you don’t like it. It doesn't correspond to what you want for yourself. There is a future too, but when you look into it and see the same thing there as now, you don’t like it either. You may think that I am nitpicking with words, but in reality it is very important: “there is no” something or “there is something that you don’t like.” Next: what does it mean to have no strength? This means that with the lifestyle you lead, you get too tired. This is an economic question, where and how you get your strength and where and how you spend it. If you go to bed late, sleep little, move little and spend time in the fresh air, eat food poor in vitamins and nutrients, then, of course, you will have little strength. As soon as you change these parameters, the energy level will change. Next: what does “no extra money” mean? There is no such thing as extra money. We have more needs than money, that's normal. And every time we set priorities: what we spend it on. If you make education a priority, your style of spending and earning will change. As long as your priorities are as they are now, extra money will not appear, because you have enough for everything else. You know, for a very long time it was believed that a swan is a bird that comes only in white color. But the first discovered black swan forced scientists to change their minds. Be a scientist: find someone who was in your situation at 27 years old - with the same health, with the same level of income and with the desire to change profession - and achieved this goal. It is dangerous for you because once you discover it, you will realize that it is possible for you too. We often fear success because we have an unconscious belief that our success will mean someone else's loss and suffering. But this, of course, is not so. There are many places for those who want to be successful. However, if we don't take advantage of opportunities, they turn to dust. Somewhere there is still a place that you did not take when you transferred to another specialty. Yes, it's a little dusty now and harder to get to, but it's there. If it weren’t for him, you would be at peace with your current situation.

Sincerely, Elena Livach, psychologist, St. Petersburg.

Parents put pressure on education (2 answers)