How to learn to live for yourself: advice from a psychologist

September 10, 2018
Psychology of thinking
Valentina Buravleva

Life is given to a person only once. And how he lives it depends on his personal feeling of happiness. Will he throw all his strength into existing to please others, or will he be able to develop healthy egoism in himself? Anyone who wants to enjoy the valuable gift of life must learn this useful skill.

Why is it necessary to develop healthy egoism in yourself?

When parents begin to live for themselves, take care of themselves, then their children adopt this behavior. They see that they can and should take care of themselves, and then reproduce this behavior in their personal lives. On the other hand, if the mother or father is constantly exhausted, depressed and generally tired of the heavy burden of life, then a similar behavioral model is passed on to the child. It is not surprising that a daughter or son then grows up and cannot build healthy relationships.

Healthy selfishness also has a beneficial effect on marital relationships. When a woman begins to live for herself, she has every chance of making her partner fall in love with her again. He sees her well-groomed appearance and sparkling eyes, and this inspires the man to win the heart of his lady again and again. The same applies to the ability of representatives of the stronger sex to take care of themselves and defend their interests. The woman sees that her chosen one has gained self-esteem, and her desire to love and respect him also increases.

Don't be led by the people around you

If a person has a dream, then it must come true. And a new one will take its place. But often someone else’s opinion is imposed on a person. For example, my wife dreamed of going to her mother on vacation. And my husband convinced me that my dream of renovating my apartment was better. The repairs are done, and I seem happy with the work done. But there is no feeling of happiness.

What does it mean to live for yourself? This means living in a way that respects your desires and stands up for your opinions. And living the dream of another, complete happiness will not be possible.

Ignoring other people's negativity

What does it mean to live for yourself and how to learn this difficult art? When a person is spoken of in the spirit of this phrase, it means that he knows how to satisfy his needs and is attentive to himself. Another of the most important properties of reasonable egoism is to ignore the negativity coming from other people.

If a person allows others to take from himself more than he gives, then his life balance very quickly begins to lose balance. To protect yourself from the negativity of others, you need to learn to ignore it. It is worth remembering: only he himself has the right to judge a person. People around him may know what is happening to him. However, they are unlikely to be able to understand what he feels - at least, most do not even have the desire to try on the role of their neighbor and share his pain or grief.

Mikhail Litvak: If you want to be useful to others, live for yourself

Learn to behave correctly - there will be no conflict. To clap, you need two palms.

If you want to be useful to others, live for yourself;

If you don’t know how to raise a child, leave him alone;

do you want to change your destiny? - it is possible;

they called you a fool - agree with it, -

states the participant of our interview, doctor, candidate of medical sciences, chief psychotherapist, corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences Mikhail LITVAK.

At first glance, such statements are puzzling. We are used to living and thinking differently. Or maybe we just don’t attach importance to the fact that there are clear rules by following which we achieve what we want in life?

Mikhail Litvak examines these rules and much more in his twenty books on current issues of psychotherapy, communication psychology, and management.

And M. Litvak uses the methods he developed for teaching competent communication and treating neuroses in the classes of a club he created called CROSS - this is a club for those who have decided to master stressful situations.

We are talking about all this with our guest and here is my first question:

One of your books, called “If You Want to Be Happy,” begins with these words: “They say hope dies last, but I would kill it first.” Why?

This is what happened in my practice. Many people here hope and do nothing . Maybe it will work out, someone strong will help, a knight on a white horse will come and arrange everything. But, at the same time, people understand that natural phenomena are subject to strict laws.

You can’t put your hand in boiling water, and if you do, who is blamed? Myself, of course . But as for communication, everyone believes that if it weren’t for the evil will of my communication partner, then everything would be fine with me. And they don’t realize that the laws of communication are quite strict. And in the same way, they “dip their hand into boiling water,” but they “blame” the water, and again they hope.

Then I say: stop hoping, let's study these laws of communication, act in accordance with the laws, and then they will help you.

About twenty years ago I was a traditional doctor - hypnosis, autogenic training, pills. The patient felt better from the medications, but will they teach the person to solve his problems? Of course not.

He returns to the turbulent environment of his society... and again comes to us. Instead of training him, I calm him down. This results in a “revolving door phenomenon.”

I began to think about this, and teachers appeared. Professor Libikh S.S., Petrakov B.D. helped me. Based on what was previously known, we have developed our own ideas about what should be done when treating patients with neurosis with virtually no medications.

I want to formulate what neurosis is? This is a disease that develops after psychological trauma. They happen in the family or at work. The patient often believes that his communication partner is to blame, but we tell him: no, and you have your share of responsibility. Learn to behave correctly - there will be no conflict. It takes two palms to clap...

And then, instead of pills and medications, we began to teach our patients the rules of psychological communication.

You have the term “psychological aikido”.

This technique has roots in person-centered methods of psychotherapy. This is a new approach. Aikido is a flexible path to victory, and those who master it try to “dodge”, avoid conflict and move forward again... The bottom line is that you quickly agree with your partner and move away from the fight.

There are three options here:

when they insult me (one might say they approach me from top to bottom);
business communication, as we have now with you,
and the third option is when I am admired.

Option one

For example, they tell me: “Mikhail Efimovich, you are a fool!” We usually answer according to the principle “A fool is a fool.” A person who masters the art of Aikido will say: “Yes, I really am a fool.” I “leave”, he “falls”.

He is lost, waiting for an attack, but there is no attack. And after that you can say: “How smart you are, how quickly you figured me out. I hid it for so long, and only you could understand me. You, the smart one, have to communicate with the fool.”

You can’t communicate like this all the time, because you lose communication partners. But on the other hand, if you want to cut off communication and punish, then you can do it, because goodness must also be able to stand up for itself.

One of the students told the following story. He got on the bus, letting the woman pass, and began looking for a ticket in his pockets. “How long will you be poking around?” said the woman. - "For a long time". - “Now my coat will fit on my head.” - “It will fit.” The bus laughs. “There’s nothing funny.” - "Of course not". She fell silent.

Is training necessary in this case? Does a person need to play out several situations in order not to get confused at the right moment?

Yes, sure! We know the rule, but then, out of habit, we answer in the old way and lose our temper. Then there is another technique - “delayed depreciation”. They called me a fool, I can’t stand it, I answer in the old way. The next day I go up to him and say: “Sorry, Petya, I realized that you are right.”

The second version of “aikido” is for bosses and teachers, when they flatter you.

Flattery and admiration. And I want you - what is more dangerous?

Perhaps admiration.

You are right, of course, it is more dangerous. They flatter in order to lure something out, for example, the Fox and the Crow. She didn't have to kill Crow, just get the cheese.

It's nice when people flatter you. Why not use the content itself, but you need to be able to behave correctly.

When I was a young doctor, I was praised and told that I was a good doctor, but it ended up with me being given extra work. Then, when I learned the techniques of communication, I listened to words of flattery and said: “Thank you, I appreciate your words,” then I take a short pause and continue, “since there is no request behind them.” Many bosses say it works great.

More on the blog: Help for quitting smoking.

About admiration. Anyone who admires you will definitely betray you. And we bring those who admire us closer to us. He sucks the juices out of us. When will he betray? - at the most difficult moment for us.

We studied the psychology of betrayal. Unfortunately, I did not find literature on this topic in science. About 8 years ago I wrote an article “The Psychology of Betrayal.” We have identified five types of betrayal. If a person knows this problem, then he can protect himself from betrayal.

The third is cooperation . If you are offered something, you must immediately agree. You called and I immediately agreed. What does a person expect from me? - consent. Let's say I agree, we discuss the details, but if I say that everything should be my way, then cooperation is impossible. But then I save the person for future communication. Unfortunately, few people use this.

And finally about “aikido”. It is based on general physical principles.

When I'm pushed down , what should I do? First, sit down, continue the same “movement,” but only then stand up. This is the law.

In your books there is such an interesting term - “script reprogramming”. Does this concern the fate of a person? Is it possible to change fate?

Yes. In the book “If You Want to Be Happy,” I describe seven unsuccessful scenarios and show how these people, with our help, rebuilt themselves, and their lives became completely different.

What is a script? A script is that psychological force that pulls a person towards fate, regardless of whether he considers it a free choice or resists. This is Bern's definition.

Our destiny depends on our genes. I am a man, you are a woman. We will act in these roles.

In general, life is easy if you live in accordance with your own nature.

In the process of raising a child, many parents want to make something out of their child that is impossible to do. And his life is bad. It is better not to raise a child, but to grow it. From a cucumber - a cucumber, from a tomato - a tomato. The child wants to be an artist, his mother wants to be an accountant, etc. And then he lives not his own life, but according to the scenario that his parents gave him. It needs to be reprogrammed. So that he returns to whom?.. To himself. It's easiest to be yourself.

The easiest way for a tree to grow is straight. It will grow to great heights. Initially, a person is born happy, but then he becomes unhappy under the influence of parental pressure. And when this program is violated, the person becomes ill until he returns to his program.

Those people who are still feeling well, unfortunately, do not seek help. And those who feel bad come running, they simply have nowhere to go. When I tell them my views, they are indignant. One of the views is that you need to live for yourself, then you will choose the right people for yourself; the most important person is the one you collaborate with. This suits our nature.

What instincts should we satisfy?

We must satisfy four instincts:

food,
defensive,
sexual,
feelings of self-importance.

nutritional and defensive needs with those with whom we work. If we want to eat and have nowhere to live, we won’t have time for sex. The sexual partner stands at a more distant place. Children are even further away.

A child needs to be fed milk until he is one year old, but at ten years old he no longer needs to be fed milk. As Jesus Christ said: “I have come to separate father from son, mother from daughter, daughter-in-law from mother-in-law.” After five years, you need to cooperate with the child. If you don't destroy the parent-child relationship, how will you then begin to cooperate?

I just arrived with my son, he is thirty years old. If we had a father-son relationship, we would have nothing to talk about. We collaborate together. And at the same time, as a father, I am pleased that my son is next to me. I’m just showing you how to save your loved ones and children so as not to be a burden to them.

You say you need to love yourself. We don't know how to love ourselves, do we?

I want to give a definition of love, which belongs to the psychotherapist, psychologist Fromm.

“Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love.”

Most people say: there is no one to love. But we pose the question differently: do you know how to love? I often tell listeners that many people confuse love with sex. These are different things.

At seminars I tell my listeners: “I am active now, I am interested in your development. This is an act of my love for you, although it may be unpleasant for you to listen to something. And if you don’t want to accept my love, what can I do?” Therefore, only a mature person who can help someone develop can love.

We often confuse attraction with love. I really love red caviar. From this love of mine, what will happen to it?.. How can I be sure that a woman loves me if she lives at my expense? But it’s another matter if she is independent and, nevertheless, with me. Then I'll believe her. A dependent, dependent person, in principle, cannot love. Well, and, of course, basic love is love for whom? - to yourself.

I exercise - it's an act of self-love . Reading a book, improving my skills is an act of self-love. Society benefits from this. A person benefits others if he lives for himself correctly. Now look, if I get drunk and don’t sleep at night, then at that moment I don’t like myself.

The ability to forgive

A person is able to live fully for himself if his soul is not burdened with suffering or resentment towards other people. People around you can often cause pain, either intentionally or unknowingly. One way or another, in response to unacceptable behavior, a person develops resentment and a feeling of disappointment. He becomes a hostage to their behavior, forced to carry these negative emotions within himself.

That is why it is necessary to learn to forgive those who behave unworthily. After all, only an internally free person can live for himself without boundaries. How to start doing this? In order to forgive your neighbor and thereby gain inner freedom, you must internally come to terms with his imperfections. When a person understands that his neighbor cannot or does not want to behave in one way or another, he is freed from illusory expectations. This allows you to free yourself from the deceptive image of your neighbor and see his true face. Having gained emotional freedom, a person is no longer fixated on getting something from another in return. Having forgiven others, it is easier to direct most of your energy to achieving personal goals and taking care of yourself.

Pay attention to moral values.

Now every square centimeter of the world is saturated with material values, but it’s worth paying attention to moral ones! Living in a big house can seem like hell if your husband is a tyrant or brand clothes don’t hide your overweight body.

Buying a trip is a way to see another country and expand your horizons. Charity is a way to help others, not a whim of the rich and famous! The easier your attitude towards money, the lighter your soul becomes. You can wake up every day in high spirits if you prioritize achieving your goals rather than making money!

Forgiving yourself

Parents are able to love their children and forgive them, despite the mess that they constantly make in the apartment (and often in life). Children love their mother and father, even if they do not pay them enough attention, constantly read morals or point out their shortcomings. We are able to forgive a sister who is always late or a friend who promised something but never kept his promise. Accordingly, if we are able to forgive each other, it means that a person is fully capable of loving and forgiving himself.

Even if serious mistakes have been made along the path of life, there is no need to dwell on them. “What does it mean to live for yourself?” - those who want to change their attitude towards themselves ask themselves. First of all, this phrase describes a way of being in which a person consciously refuses self-flagellation. After all, self-accusation never leads to anything good, no matter how justified it may seem. When a member of society constantly reproaches himself for his own misdeeds, he automatically becomes “convenient” for anyone from his environment, but not for himself.

Learn to overcome your fears

Most people avoid difficult things because they are afraid of what might happen to them if they fail or are rejected. They are afraid to feel disappointment, sadness, and the discrepancy between reality and their dreams. But a life without fighting your fears is a life without growth. To grow as a person and not let others control your life, you need to get out of your comfort zone and do what's scary.

For example, you never bought outerwear yourself, and your mother always helped you choose. Her opinion was authoritative for you, and very often you had to agree with her on what to buy. In reality, you didn’t like the chosen coat or down jacket, and you wore it “by force” and without much pleasure. This happened in adolescence, and still, as an adult, you are afraid of your mother’s criticism and disapproval. It is this fuck that you need to overcome in order to become more self-sufficient: choose a coat model that you like and suits. Explain to your mom if she is unhappy with your choice that you are old enough to make your own decisions. By giving unsolicited advice, your mother is violating your boundaries, and you have the right to defend them.

Why you should avoid self-blame

Many members of society are accustomed to noticing each other’s weaknesses and their sense of their own inferiority. There are usually very few people who will not take advantage of such a human condition. The same person who loves and forgives himself for his shortcomings is truly capable of becoming a better person. He will not try to justify himself to other people in order to improve his self-esteem and rise in his own eyes. While a dependent person is doomed to the fate of being led, because all her energy is spent on following the lead of others and reproaching herself for real and imaginary misdeeds.

How to start living for yourself

Photo by Luis Fernandes: Pexels
The realization that you only have this life, which is in your hands and only yours, will help you start living for yourself. And if this is your life, it is in your hands, then how would you like to live it.

I would like everyone around to be happy at the cost of your life, or in this life you will become a source of love, first of all for yourself.

And those around you, who will be with the source of love, will not be able to feel unhappy.

Openness in communication

Society often puts pressure on an individual, manipulating him into acting in accordance with social moral principles and conditions that are favorable to him. Proof of this can be the most banal and seemingly insignificant everyday situations. For example, instead of working on her own project, the daughter goes to her parents’ dacha to weed the beds there. Instead of resting on his rightful weekend, a person goes to work because he is afraid of an authoritarian boss. But what happens when we step on the throat of our own ego? Most often, this leads to the accumulation of irritation, indignation, and sometimes anger. Therefore, the one who strives to please everyone and in everything, most often makes things worse for himself.

How to learn to live for yourself and avoid such mistakes? It is important for a person who wants to become a healthy egoist to learn to refuse other people if their requests go against his own wishes. Otherwise, a person comes to feel a sense of betrayal committed against himself. Sometimes saying “no” can be extremely difficult.

The need to learn to say “no”

At first, when refusing others, people usually feel a strong sense of awkwardness. They realize that they are much more comfortable agreeing with others, even if they do not like the request or suggestion. But if you train in the ability to refuse, then you can gradually learn to do it easily and simply. The awkwardness will be replaced by a feeling of confidence and self-righteousness.

This does not mean that a person who wants to live for himself is an egoist in the bad sense of the word and never helps others. If he has such an opportunity and desire, he will lend a helping hand. However, if you have to do this contrary to your own plans and discretion, or sacrificing your own interests, it is unlikely that a person who loves himself will agree to this.

Acting in one's own interests

Since the phrase “start living for yourself” means the ability to satisfy one’s own needs and needs, the ability to act in one’s own interests is an integral part of the formation of healthy selfishness. To transform his life, a person should do those things for which he will be grateful to himself in the future. What he does today must be a significant contribution to tomorrow. Often this point turns out to be closely related to the ability to say “no” - both to people and to things that do not fit into the schedule. For example, a woman who throws all her strength into pleasing her husband and children may seriously regret it in a few years. After all, in all the time that has passed, she has not done anything for herself personally, and now she has to reap the fruits of this development of events.

What could be the consequences of such a strategy for such a woman? She will always be oppressed by a feeling of dissatisfaction with her own activities, because she did absolutely nothing for herself personally: she did not accumulate her own capital, did not advance up the career ladder, but only constantly sacrificed her interests and hobbies. It is rare that in such situations she can hear words of gratitude from those for whom she had to give up herself. Sometimes such women (although there are also men among a similar contingent) ask themselves: “What is it like to live for yourself?” To become a reasonable egoist, you need to do things today that will become an investment in your own tomorrow. These can be small steps: visiting a doctor in a timely manner as a preventative appointment, paying attention to your needs and pursuing your own interests, and ultimately, playing sports. And these can also be quite thorough actions. For example, obtaining a higher education, purchasing your own car or real estate.

Healthy optimism

How should you live for yourself so that later you don’t feel “excruciatingly painful for the years spent aimlessly”? The person who does not know how to enjoy life and notice simple little things dooms himself to a depressive existence. Even on the most difficult days you need to be able to see the good. Those people who did not know how to rejoice and let pleasant events into their lives seriously regret it at the end of their existence.

Favourite buisness

How to live for yourself? How to spend your precious time productively? Society at different stages of growing up forces us to follow certain rules of life. From childhood, certain standards are imposed on people: a person must get an education (often something that interests parents), build a career, get married, have children. But the question is, will he be happy? Will such a life bring him joy, will he feel satisfaction from the feelings and emotions he experienced in his old age?

To learn to live for yourself, and not for others, you need to do those things that make life joyful and fulfilling. You need to determine which activities bring joy, which are valuable and useful. If you have a desire to play in the theater in your heart, and everyone around you insists that you need to build a career as a lawyer, you should think about the possibilities of fulfilling your dream and making it come true.

Do what brings you pleasure.

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How to live for pleasure if work is a difficult ordeal? Work without vacation, an additional task at one in the morning - where is the logic? We achieve the greatest productivity when we devote enough time to rest. A person arriving from Turkey will come to work in high spirits and will strive to go on vacation again. He will work hard for this.

There are so many examples in the world where people change their old job to the one they have long dreamed of. Such employment may bring less money, but give greater freedom, which is especially appreciated now! Don't have the strength to be in this office anymore? You can find flexible work! Do you want to devote more time to your family? Why not find remote jobs online!

Choosing a vocation

For those representatives of society who are alien to the foundations and beliefs that someone once built regarding the correct and rational formation of their own path, a life spent in the gray walls of an office doing an unloved job is unlikely to bring happiness. After all, in the end, each person lives only his own life. And on his deathbed he will not have the opportunity to reproach those who dissuaded him long ago from following his dreams.

Even if you need to devote most of your time to a job you don’t like, it’s worth finding time for a hobby. Those people who are passionate about something that interests them always become better, even if only in their own eyes. They know how to live for themselves, and they do not need to be taught this. After all, a pleasant thing brings them joy - which means they know how to get a feeling of satisfaction in other areas of life, not only in the area of hobbies or work.

To learn to live for the sake of your interests, you need to have a desire and try to bring your dreams to life in practice. Over time, healthy selfishness will become a habit, and it will no longer be so difficult to follow your principles and make your life enjoyable.

Set goals

To fill your days with meaning as much as possible, you need to learn to set goals and work on them. Think about what you want. Not children, parents, husband, but you. Sometimes it is difficult to understand whether this is your desire or imposed by someone. If you go towards a goal without feeling pleasure, then the goal is not yours, but imposed.

How to recognize your goals

If it’s difficult for you to separate your goals from the goals of your loved ones, then do the following:

The paper sheet is divided into 3 columns. First, write down everything that brings you pleasure. It could be anything: nut chocolate, chatting with someone, a walk in the park, or watching a movie.
In the second part, write down what spoils your mood.
The third column records goals and dreams. Moreover, this may not be something global.

Be completely honest with yourself. Write down only your desires, and not those imposed by loved ones and society. Don't be afraid of your desires, don't look at your surroundings. When you feel bad in your soul, open the sheet and look at the first column. Take time to realize at least one moment that brings you pleasure.

Eliminate everything that is written in the second column from your life, or at least minimize these moments. Start working on implementing the entries in the third column. If you dream of moving to another country, start learning the language and getting to know the traditions. Start small, the Universe will give you more.