How to get rid of selfishness and in what situation is this really necessary? This topic worries many, because it is directly related to building relationships in society. Every person is naturally caring for personal needs and interests, and self-love.
For their natural and adequate manifestation in the philosophical and ethical environment, a special term has been identified - reasonable egoism. Where is the line between it and egoism in the traditional sense (as a negative character trait)? Ancient philosophers pondered this difficult question.
Here is what Aristotle wrote about this: “Egoism does not consist in loving oneself, but in a greater than proper degree of this love.” These words well reflect the modern approach of psychologists to this issue, helping to understand where that line is.
What is egoism and where does it come from?
The selfishness that you should get rid of concerns not just the ability to live and build relationships in accordance with your interests. It is associated with placing oneself above the family and the rest of the environment due to an inadequate perception of one’s own personality. This behavior does not manifest itself once, but constantly.
The appearance of a distorted perception of reality is associated with a false ego, which consists of selfish desires. When they begin to serve as the main (and sometimes the only) guideline for a person’s actions, the ability to consciously understand one’s feelings and views is impaired. Physical needs and material values come to the fore, for which they sacrifice everything else, including the opinions of others.
Terminology
Having examined the most popular dictionaries of our time, we can conclude what selfishness is. This is not a quality, but rather a life belief that positions itself as a person’s desire to benefit from everything by any means. A selfish person is focused exclusively on his feelings, needs and experiences. The inner ego of such people is insatiable and constantly demands more. It cannot be said about an egoist that he is modest or satisfied with life. He constantly wants to have what others have.
What makes the false ego exist?
In philosophical and psychological schools, there are several options for the mechanisms of the existence of the false ego, its predominance over the rest of the inner world. Some believe that it is inherent in the temporary mental shell of the soul, given to it at birth. In other sources, the false ego is considered part of the mind, in others it is isolated as a separate component of the psyche.
The lack of a consensus does not interfere with the definition of why it exists? All concepts agree on one thing: the false ego is based on identifying oneself with the material world and the needs of the physical body. When spiritual values and cultural guidelines lose their significance or, at a minimum, give way to them.
Signs of selfishness
Before we begin to consider ways to get rid of negative egoism, it is important to study its main signs:
- Obsession with oneself. A person is sure that he is the center of the universe around which the rest of the world revolves. His thoughts are busy analyzing only his life situation and making plans to achieve the desired results. He is sure that spending time and energy on others is an inappropriate waste of resources. In conversations, he always draws attention to himself. Doesn't consider it important or necessary to listen to someone's opinion or stories in which he is not the main character.
- Unjustified self-confidence. Negative egoism is manifested by an individual’s unshakable belief in his own superiority. Wherever a person goes, he is confident that everywhere he is smarter, more beautiful and in all aspects better than others. An egoist, without a justified analysis of real strengths and qualities, assigns himself the place of leader. He is absolutely uninterested in the position of others.
- Rejection of criticism. Even comments confirmed by real facts, expressed in a correct form, cause acute rejection in a person. He will go into conflict without any problems, but will never admit his own mistake or lack of knowledge. But an egoist is always ready to talk about his achievements with pleasure, not forgetting to exaggerate them for greater effect.
Familiarity with the signs of selfishness will help you avoid external manipulation based on the conscious substitution of concepts by others. This often happens when you want to force a person to act in accordance with someone else’s interests. For example, some parents may blame their children for not accepting criticism and calling them selfish. For what? So that they live life in accordance with their beliefs and desires: create families with “profitable matches” or get a “good” job. In such cases of imposition of opinions, a violent emotional reaction and denial will be quite normal. It is important to be able to soberly assess circumstances and defend your point of view when it comes to interfering in life. By the way, it is those around you who are selfish in such situations.
Why seven?
Gottman conducted another study. This time together with Robert W. Levenson. Scientists analyzed past research by colleagues and determined that the seven-year mark in family life is the most vulnerable.
In search of the cause, psychologists have found that “I”-directed thinking leads to a crisis. Egocentrism gives rise to almost daily quarrels, which, in turn, erode the foundation of relationships. It also affects the intimate sphere: the emotions and desires of the partner are ignored, and sometimes physical or psychological violence occurs.
Having children increases the chances of saving a marriage. But if spouses are bound not by love, but by moral duty, then they will divorce as soon as the children grow up. If there are no children or other mutual obligations (for example, a mortgage), then the couple is unlikely to last even seven years.
Why is egoism dangerous?
The main characteristics of this dangerous phenomenon help not only to determine its presence in a person. They can also tell you a lot about why selfishness is dangerous. Often its manifestations entail serious consequences not only for others, but also for the person himself, who blindly follows personal interests.
| A characteristic feature of selfishness | Consequences of showing signs of selfishness |
| Self-obsession | Communication abilities are impaired and concentration is reduced. A person pays less and less attention to his surroundings. Without stopping in time, he loses healthy connections with family members and friends, and is gradually rejected by his work colleagues. As a social being, a person left without outside support may fall into depression and inaction. Or, on the contrary, he can become aggressive towards others, crossing the boundaries of what is permitted. |
| Unjustified self-confidence | Empty boasting about your inflated achievements entails a loss of authority and respect from the general public. A big threat to normal life is the loss of the skill of soberly calculating one’s strength. As a result of this process, a person can let others down and go down significantly lower on the social ladder. The conflict between expectations and reality in his mind can provoke a nervous breakdown. |
| Rejection of any criticism | The lack of adequate perception of comments leads to a stop in personal and social development. By ignoring advice, a person is deprived of the opportunity to soberly assess his own qualities and find points for growth among them. Violent emotional reactions and conflict lead to the loss of the opportunity to use outside help to improve well-being. |
“Before” and “after” when you decide to stop being selfish: is there a difference?
Another important analysis is a comparison before and after deprivation of selfishness.
| BEFORE | AFTER |
| A person who indulges his own “ego” does not enjoy the sympathy of others. Unkind glances, silent hostility, lack of support, irony - in fact, an egoist dooms himself to loneliness, which has never benefited anyone. True, awareness of this fact may come too late. | Having conquered the germs of selfishness in oneself, a person will immediately feel support - from loved ones, colleagues, and friends. The circle of people who sympathize with him will begin to expand. This is very important for the psychological background. A person must feel his unity with the world around him. |
| People who remember themselves first of all constantly forget about others. For example, about the birthdays (and other significant dates) of friends, colleagues, even relatives. After some time, many of the people surrounding the egoist will want to “forget” not only about his birthday, but also about him. He'll be surprised. | Having overcome manifestations of selfishness in himself, a person will receive great pleasure from the fact that the interests of others will enter the sphere of his attention: their joys, aspirations, goals. By helping others, we receive a powerful energy charge that greatly enhances our capabilities. The world is always on the side of those who love to give rather than receive. |
| Egoists are indifferent not only to the joys of the people around them, but also to their problems. They are able to close their eyes even to the grief of others. They will extend a helping hand only if it is beneficial to them. Words such as “humanity”, “nobility”, “selflessness” are an empty phrase for an egoist. | A person who is alien to selfishness never compares his actions with personal gain. Moreover, he is capable of committing actions that run counter to his interests and plans. Because his main goal is to be human in any situation. Everything else will come later. |
Fighting selfishness
How to get rid of selfishness once and for all? Achieving victory over this difficult and dangerous personality trait is possible only through conscious elaboration of your thinking. The habit of putting oneself above others, an inadequate reaction to the opinions of others - these and other manifestations of selfishness represent habitual patterns of behavior. Getting rid of them and building new healthy patterns is a process that includes three main stages:
- Identifying the cause.
- Accepting the fact that a problem exists.
- Choosing a method to overcome it.
Let's take a closer look at each of them.
Finding the reason
Selfish behavior is born from thoughts, so the reason for its occurrence should be sought in them. Our thinking is a reflection of past life experiences. It is this that should be analyzed, finding situations or circumstances that served as good soil for cultivating excessive self-love.
Most often, the reason is associated with excess or lack of attention in childhood. Selfishness may also reflect a defensive reaction to negative experiences from the past. For example, failed relationships with the team at the first place of work. It is necessary to identify the existing sign of selfishness and think about what circumstances provoked its appearance. And then, get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Give yourself the attention you deserve
Selfish people are emotional vampires. They crave your attention but don't give it in return. To avoid being emotionally drained, give yourself the attention you gave to the emotional vampire. For example, if you have any discomfort in your appearance, go to a hairdresser or boutique. This is called "meeting your own needs" and is a great way to boost your self-esteem. Giving your attention to a self-centered person is not virtuous. He needs you only to recharge himself emotionally and feed off your energy.
Recognizing the problem
Having analyzed the personal history of the evolution of egoism, it is important to accept its existence. This should be done without judging what is happening. There is no need to panic over the consequences of actions already committed; you should not scold yourself or make excuses. It is important to constantly keep in mind your goal - to get rid of selfishness.
Everything that happened must be perceived in the past time, without abandoning it. To do this, try looking at yourself as a stranger. Remember that to start a successful fight, it is important to see the problem with the previously established reasons for its occurrence and stop denying it all.
Coping methods
There are two main scenarios for overcoming selfishness:
- Independent work with support from the environment.
- Struggle in sessions with a qualified psychologist.
When a person is unable to sincerely admit that there is a problem and conduct meaningful self-analysis, it is better to immediately contact a specialist. If you manage to gather your inner strength on your own and work through the first two stages, you can successfully get rid of egoism on your own. It will be useful to enlist the support of close people with whom you have established trusting relationships. An action plan can be drawn up based on the effective recommendations given below.
How to get rid of selfishness: practical advice
Awareness of the problem is already half the battle in the fight against selfishness. Further actions should be aimed at working with thinking. When thinking about how you can get rid of selfishness, pay attention to developing new habits and scenarios for reacting to what is happening. Let's take a closer look at the steps that will help redirect established patterns of negative behavior in a new direction and thereby defeat them.
Develop empathy
When observing and talking to others, switch from mentally assessing circumstances in your favor to feelings. Listen to your own desires. Resist impulses to subjugate the situation to yourself through emotional pressure on others. Instead, try to cultivate consideration, politeness, and empathy. When you are approached, listen patiently and understand the situation of the person addressed. So over time, you will learn to respect other people's opinions and develop the ability to empathize.
Monitor the influence of the false ego
Formulate a filter for your own desires. Which ones are really important and justified by the situation? And what did greed or pride whisper in the race to satisfy the selfish motives of the false ego? For example, it is quite appropriate to ask a colleague to help with a task because you do not have time to pick up your child from kindergarten when there is no one to do it for you. But if an insidious desire awakens in you to simply shift things in order to earn a bonus at someone else’s expense, this must be nipped in the bud.
Learn to live in the present moment
Selfishness is often fueled by anxiety about the future or the past. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn to live here and now. Accept that reality exists only in the present moment, and develop the habit of doing the best that you can in the present. The rest is an illusion, which is often built to please selfish desires. Stop them by choosing to enjoy the present.
Develop a habit of gratitude
One of the traps of selfishness is assigning all the credit to oneself to one’s loved one. We often take the actions of others for granted, putting only our own efforts on a pedestal. Concentrate on what comes to you from the outside and where exactly it comes from. For example, are you used to having a clean and tidy home? Fix the understanding that all this does not come out of thin air. Thank family members for putting things in order.
Can't adequately evaluate the efforts of others? Then give yourself the opportunity to feel everything inside and out. Do some spring cleaning or any other chore and thank yourself for your efforts. Now next time it will be easier for you to adequately evaluate the work of others.
Stop making excuses
In order to elevate himself above others, a person often seeks justifications and explanations for his own “exploits.” They also come to his aid in case of a violent reaction to criticism. Let go of your emotional needs to always be better. Recognize that you are an ordinary person. Stop building a defense of your superiority out of excuses, leave only dry facts and always convey them calmly.
Communicate more with animals
A little friend will teach you to understand how the environment sometimes needs our support. By communicating with animals and selflessly caring for them, we can feel the joy of actions that are not aimed at achieving selfish goals. Gradually, a feeling of compassion and an inner need to simply give away your warmth will develop. They will be an excellent counterbalance to the principle of acting only for one’s own pleasure, characteristic of egoism.
Realize the temporary nature of all material things
Accept the fact that everything material in this life is not eternal and reconsider your life goals. Cars break down, things wear out. Are you really ready to devote all your time and energy to satisfying selfish desires? Based on this, honestly report your actions.
Does it include items that will serve as support during dark times of material distress? And in our fickle world they can come at any moment. But there are always spiritual values, work on which will bring no less satisfaction and over time will not turn into a waste of energy for the sake of temporary benefits.
Start caring for others
Remember that selfishness gives rise to the desire to spend all efforts only on yourself. Therefore, attention and care for others will be an excellent cure for this quality. At first, you may do such things reluctantly. Why switch to others? Wasting time, money, energy.
But these internal contradictions will go away in the first situation in which you feel the sincere gratitude of others and their joy when meeting you. An unusual feeling of happiness from real merits quickly dulls the desire to continue flaunting fictitious merits.
Always look for opportunities to give.
Selfishness is reinforced by the feeling of pleasure from receiving some benefit. Almost always, it is quickly replaced by the desire to achieve something else. This is exactly how the life of a selfish person goes, following his material goals.
The feeling of happiness associated with the opportunity to help others achieve what they want will allow it to change radically. Realize that by jumping off the self-gratification merry-go-round and putting resources into supporting those around you, you will get something more. And most importantly, weaken the usual selfish behavior scenarios.
Meet new people
By learning how strangers with different social status live, you will be able to correct illusory ideas about life. Familiar things will acquire true value and will no longer be taken for granted. This will entail an increased sense of pleasure from existing benefits and will help you learn to enjoy the present. Also, communicating with a large number of people will reduce the time spent on fixated thoughts about yourself.
Conquering the egoist in yourself: pros and cons
And what, exactly, are the advantages and disadvantages of selfishness? Let's weigh it.
7 steps to put someone in their place
| Advantages | Flaws |
| In the scale of life values, the interests of the egoist occupy the first positions. Therefore, his wishes must be fulfilled first. | Since when setting priorities, egoists always put their own interests above the interests of others, those around them will sooner or later notice this. What do you think their reaction will be? |
| The same applies to the realization of life goals. By pushing aside everyone who stands in his way, the egoist will, of course, move forward much faster than others. This applies to both small things (for example, he will easily push aside his grandmother on public transport) and larger-scale stages of moving forward (he will easily bait a colleague for the sake of a higher rung of the career ladder). | Caring only about his own well-being, the egoist by default puts himself in a situation of constant disapproval (his grandmother will look reproachfully after him, his colleagues will chuckle ironically, his friends will gradually turn away). Over time, the egoist will create a vacuum around himself; he will be deprived of human support, which is necessary for a normal life. |
| The “conscience” option is usually disabled for real egoists (or works in a lightweight, “relaxed” mode). Therefore, egoists sleep peacefully at night, have a good appetite, and little can spoil their mood. This means that their emotional background will be quite favorable for further actions, not burdened by unnecessary moral experiences. | Man is a social being. And if an egoist does not give a damn about social connections that help him stay afloat, then over time he will begin to “drown.” And there will be fewer and fewer people willing to lend him a helping hand over time. In addition, we should not forget: on the path of any egoist, another egoist, much stronger and more experienced, may appear. Life is an ironic thing, she has a great sense of humor. |
Selfishness can manifest itself over time
Even if you are sure that you do not suffer from selfishness, the germs of selfishness may begin to appear in your behavior unnoticed. As N.V. wrote Gogol, “watch yourself more vigilantly.” This means that from time to time you need to carefully analyze your actions, comparing them with the principles of universal morality.
How to get rid of selfishness in relationships with people?
Remember that creating healthy relationships with others is only possible by building adequate self-esteem. It is important to develop an understanding of your own importance without exaggeration. To do this, it is necessary to reconsider the usual scenario of superiority over others. Communicate with others as equals, cultivating respect for their rights and opinions.
Self-development
For a greater understanding of the phenomenon of selfishness, it is recommended to read the following books:
⦁ Svetlana Baranova “Egoism as a destructive component of the human being.”
⦁ Radhanatha Swami “Journey Home. Autobiography of an American Yogi.
⦁ Amy Banks and Lee Hirschman “On the Same Wavelength.”
⦁ William Ury “Make an agreement with yourself... and other worthy opponents.”
⦁ Daniel Goleman “Emotional Intelligence.”
Getting rid of selfishness in close relationships
The question of how to get rid of selfishness in relationships with loved ones deserves special attention. Often, egoists have an unspoken rule that applies to their family members, their relatives and friends, that they a priori owe them something. Therefore, when communicating with them, negligence, raising the voice and demanding to meet illusory expectations are allowed.
Realize that close relationships primarily place more responsibilities on yourself. They should bring pleasure to both parties, and not be used to serve one person. Otherwise, you will turn into a parasite and ruin your relationships with dear people yourself.
Here it is also important to consciously give yourself and your partners the same rights. At the same time, paying a lot of attention to personal behavior. You should start by fixing and eliminating moments in which you allow yourself to demand more from a person, explaining this by your close relationship with him.
I am an egoist! What should I do now, kill myself?
Many admit that they are selfish, but few feel remorse. Is this bad?
In fact, people always act in their own interests. We show selfishness even when helping someone. No matter how altruistic a person is, she still expects a reward - to share joy or receive praise. This is the so-called ethical egoism. It is seen as a motivational factor - what makes us do something for others.
However, the desire to help each other is atrophying in modern society. The population grows in proportion to the increase in the level of narcissism. Such a phenomenon as a selfie focuses the individual on his own “I”, and the absorption of television content forces one to compare oneself with the characters on the screens. “Why the hell are they rich and I’m not?”
Since childhood, we compare ourselves and others. Me and my relatives, me and my classmates, me and passers-by. But the media raises the bar, forcing us to compare ourselves to movie stars and models. Hence narcissism and the need to constantly stick out one’s “I”.
Narcissism is also characterized by a lack of empathy for people. Such individuals do not show sincere pity and sympathy, even vowing to be with someone through thick and thin until death separates them.
