Forms and signs of emotional abuse. Psychological abuse

April 18, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Nastasya Krakhina

Issues of violence are often raised in society, but, as a rule, most often they focus on the physical manifestation of aggression towards other people. Much less often talked about is another type that can cause much more pain, namely emotional abuse. Such psychological pressure causes fear, concern, self-doubt, etc. in the victim. It is good when a person (the object of ridicule and violence) himself realizes the harmfulness of communicating with someone who is trying to emotionally suppress him for some reason. However, there are times when a person does not realize that his interlocutor, friend or family member is psychologically destroying him.

This article will focus on the topic of psychological violence and how to avoid it. Next, a definition of the concept will be given, a description of the behavior of the participants in this process, and the signs of such psychological pressure will be described.

What is emotional abuse? Description and definition of terms

In order to understand how to protect yourself from such pressure, you need to describe the terms. Psychological violence is the systematic impact of one person on another. This type of violence is less obvious than, for example, physical violence, since it is much more difficult to define. However, it does no less harm.

In the scientific field, there is such a concept - abuse, which means violence, and the person who commits it is an abuser. In this case, it is absolutely not important what kind of violence a person carries out, psychological or physical. In other words, abusers can be called “toxic” people who, without any objective reason, take pleasure in poisoning the lives of others.

When faced with psychological pressure, it is not always possible to quickly break off a relationship with an abuser. Sometimes life forces you to encounter such a person again and again for many years or even have to live with him.

Types of violence

Violence can be direct or indirect, isolated or systematic, current or past. But the classification according to the content of violence is more important than others:

Physical violence. These are any physical acts of violence against a child under 18 years of age, including punishment options (spanking, pushing, grabbing, etc.).
Neglect of responsibilities. This means failure to comply with parental responsibilities, ignoring the needs of the child, and inadequate care for the child.
Sexual violence. Using a child under 18 for the purpose of obtaining sexual pleasure. Any erotic contact with or exploitation of a child (pornography).
Psychological abuse. Humiliation, insults, ridicule and other degrading behavior patterns.

Sexual violence includes several forms:

Depraved acts. Any actions on the part of an adult that can cause excitement in a child under 14 years of age and form an inadequate attitude towards sexual relations. Actions can be physical (bodily) or intellectual (demonstration of materials).
Pedophilia. Sexual harassment of a child under 14 years of age.
Pornography. Any form of demonstration of sexual relations (books, films, magazines).
Coercion to engage in sexual activity. Not physical, but mental influence on the child, gradually forcing him to enter into some kind of sexual relationship. You can put pressure with the status of an adult, with blackmail.

Child abuse is a general term for any kind of violence. This is actual harm to a child:

through insults and incorrect punishments;
inadequate requirements and strict control;
prohibitions.

Abuse can be called physical actions (beatings), murder, harm due to failure to provide assistance, neglect of a child and his needs, mental harm, lack of protection and care.

Consequences of psychological violence for the victim

When a person finds himself in situations in which he has to endure mockery, ridicule or harsh pressure, his first reaction is indignation. Being in a state of stress due to psychological violence, over time he gets used to this attitude in his own way, but the consequences of this may be irreversible. A person’s level of self-esteem begins to decline and self-confidence is lost. Statistics show that victims of emotional pressure can eventually become severely depressed.

There is a theory that if a person submits to an abuser, then after some time his psychological trauma can be compared to post-traumatic disorder.

Using offensive words

To undermine the victim's self-esteem, the abuser may use insulting and rude language towards her. But often such words and phrases are passed off as a “desire to help” or to tell the truth, which others, according to the rapist, are silent about.

For example, he may say that no one will love you except him. Or that it’s time for you to lose weight and change your hair color. Or that you shouldn't sign up for a manicure course because you're not smart enough to figure it out. And in general, you really can’t do anything.

Such statements, when heard repeatedly, can undermine your self-confidence and deprive you of your self-esteem. Unfortunately, many victims remain in emotionally unhealthy relationships because they cannot understand that such insults have nothing to do with the real state of affairs.

How does an abuser act? Typical behavior pattern

As a rule, the behavior of “toxic” people is approximately the same and does not depend on what kind of relationship they have with their victims, to whom they use emotional abuse. To begin with, the abuser tries to infiltrate trust and tries to get as close to the person as possible. Realizing that his relationship with his victim has strengthened, the “toxic” person goes on the offensive.

As a rule, the most important weapon that causes pain to the victim is criticism, which is built on constant accusations that the person is not ideal. Vivid examples can be very typical situations: parents can blame their child for the only C grade, the best friend can express resentment for not receiving a call during the day, and the boss can reproach him for minor shortcomings, ignoring achievements. These are all examples of emotional abuse, which will always make a person feel guilty. Plunging into such a state, the object of violence wants to get rid of this feeling and voluntarily submits to the influence of the “toxic” person. But, as a rule, the behavior of the victim is also typical - she begins to be haunted by the desire to make amends for her guilt, instead of objecting and putting the abuser in his place.

If the target of ridicule and violence begins to express his timid indignations, then the abuser is using gaslighting. This term denotes a complete denial of the existing problem. They try to convince the target of ridicule that the pressure is an invention, and he himself is to blame for the fact that such a thought has taken up residence in his head. Ultimately, the victim becomes one with his feelings of guilt and completely submits to the abuser.

Target for emotional release

People who have problems in the emotional sphere become victims of psychological violence:

They do not allow themselves to experience negativity, repressing and denying it. They ignore aggression directed towards them, as if it does not concern them;
They are unable to explain the condition, they themselves do not understand, they are sad, anxious, or feel tired. It is very difficult for them to describe their own emotions. Therefore, they are easily infected by the mood of others. This makes them weak and defenseless against manipulators.

Psychological violence - what is it?

It is easy to influence people who do not understand their goals and desires. They are in limbo, ready to just go with the flow. They take pressure from outside too close to their hearts and immediately surrender under the pressure of the tyrant.

A person who is unable to say “no”, infringes on his own desires and refuses needs, often becomes a victim of emotional abuse. He is used to living by the rules of others, so he is easy to manipulate.

Note! Abusers are able to lure the victim, gain their trust, and wait for emotional attachment. Then they start to act.

Constant mockery, accusations, suspicions and humiliations can break the psyche of even a self-confident person. She begins to feel inferior and blames herself for what is happening, not the abuser.

Typical victim behavior

Over time, the “toxic” person makes it so that his victim has no one left close to him. He isolates her from others in every possible way, and this ends with no one left who would sensibly evaluate their relationship from the outside and could help the victim. If the victim does not understand his situation or does not have the strength to resist, then ultimately he becomes practically the property of the “toxic” person.

According to statistics, most people who succumb to psychological pressure are weak-willed individuals. But people with a stable psyche, self-control and healthy self-esteem extremely rarely fall for the bait of an abuser.

Rehabilitation

Eliminating violence always requires comprehensive work by a psychologist with parents and children. The most effective methods are:

psychotherapy;
individual and group consultations;
trainings.

When interacting with a child, you must first achieve his favor and trust. To do this, you cannot focus on the situation, that is, say “Don’t be afraid,” “Don’t worry.” The main method of working with a child is a consultation conversation. But only a qualified specialist can carry it out.

Violence is always a stressful situation for a child, leading to psychological trauma. Accordingly, work should be aimed at eliminating psychotrauma and post-traumatic stress disorder, if it is observed. The best method is psychotherapy.

Reasons why a person becomes an abuser

By understanding why a person behaves this way, the problem of moral violence can be solved. Often people begin to take pleasure in humiliating others because they themselves were once under the influence of an abuser. In addition, the person may have experienced the use of brute physical force (beating at school or at home). Finding himself in such a situation, he may develop a desire for revenge or a feeling of superiority over other people.

Of course, after pointing this out to the abuser, there is little chance that he will realize the problem and stop resorting to violence. On the contrary, you can only complicate the situation. A professional psychologist can help a person in such a situation.

What to do after ending a relationship

Break off all contacts

Once you have ended your relationship with your abuser, do not allow him or her into your life again, under any conditions. He can admit his guilt, say that he has changed, promise that now everything will be different, but often these remain just words and empty promises. Don't let it take over your mind again.

Psychological abuse is likely to recur again, especially if he has made similar promises before.
Delete and block all contacts of this person from your phone, email, or even better, change your number.

Start recovering

Take care of your health and remember that the psychological violence against you was not your fault. No person deserves to be treated humiliatingly and humiliatingly. Which means you didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

Do what brings you joy and good mood. Walk more, relax, do fitness, start keeping a diary in which you write down the good things that happened to you that day. All this will help you recover emotionally and teach you to value yourself.

Signs of emotional pressure

In order to know how to protect yourself from moral abuse, you need to understand what techniques “toxic people” can use. Signs of emotional abuse may include the following:

A person humiliates his victim under any convenient circumstances and takes pleasure in it.
There is a complete lack of respect. The abuser completely ignores the opinion of his victim or even mocks him.
The victim is constantly subjected to ridicule, public humiliation and mockery.
The victim experiences constant control, and sometimes even jealousy of everyone around him.
The abuser constantly expresses dissatisfaction with the victim’s behavior and tries to shame her.
A “toxic person” forces the target of violence to constantly consult with him, and interferes in the process of making any decisions.
The abuser begins to control the victim's financial matters.
All achievements of the target of violence are underestimated and ridiculed.
Often the abuser appears distant. He is rarely interested in events or situations that are not related to himself.
A person gets the feeling that he is always wrong.
A person is often blamed for things he did not do or for things beyond his control.
An abuser never laughs at himself, and takes jokes directed at himself extremely negatively.
A “toxic” person always blames the target of violence for his misfortunes and failures.
An abuser never sympathizes.
The victim often experiences a feeling of guilt, or more precisely, the abuser shifts his responsibility for everything that happens to him onto her.
“Toxic” people take ownership of their victim and use expressions such as: “You should...”, “I love you, but...”, “If you don’t do this, then I...” or “You owe me…”.
The victim receives threats and experiences aggression.

If most of these signs are observed in the behavior of a friend, colleague, boss, or just an acquaintance, you must immediately break off all relations with him. However, it is more difficult to do this when the abuser is a close or dear person. If you still can’t get rid of such a “toxic” person, you need to build the right line of communication with him, which can sometimes be extremely difficult. Later in the article, the rules of behavior with such people will be discussed, but first you need to understand how forms of emotional violence manifest themselves using the example of life situations in various types of relationships.

Shifting the blame

To avoid responsibility, emotional abusers always find ways to blame their victim for wrong words and actions. They can convince you that some events are happening solely through your fault and that the successful outcome of the current situation depends only on you.

To stop a partner's abuse, the victim tries to change, strives to please. This is a kind of “trap” - the more the victim does, the more the offender needs from her. For example, he fulfills all his whims regarding his own appearance, behavior, communication with others, way of life, which gradually, day after day, slowly destroys it.

What to do, there is a moral rapist - your friend?

It happens that after years of communicating with the same person who is a friend, you come to the realization that his influence has a negative impact on life. A person is a creature that will continue to look for various excuses and idealize another person until the end until he is completely disappointed in him. This is what happens with an abuser. Of course, you don’t want to believe that a friend is a moral rapist.

However, if, after meeting with the same person, depression appears, the mood deteriorates and a state of emptiness is present, it is worth considering whether he is an abuser. Having understood this, it is necessary to stop communicating with him at least for a while and assess the situation, so to speak, from the outside.

Undoubtedly, it is difficult to break off a friendship with a person who is a friend, but there is no other way to solve this problem. However, there is still another option - you need to seek help from a third party. This could be a good friend who needs to express everything that is happening and ask him for help. It is very important that such a person can be trusted. You can call him to a meeting with “toxic” friends and explain that you need moral support in those moments when the abuser begins to use the technique of public humiliation.

How to overcome an abuser if he acts as a boss?

In the event that you have to experience emotional violence in a relationship with management, resolving this problem, of course, will be a little more difficult, since it is necessary to maintain the hierarchy of subordination and not go beyond the subordination.

In this case, there are also two options. The first is to record insults and humiliation on paper or record the conversation and transfer the materials to higher management. The second option is to leave this workplace.

However, both options are not ideal, and such situations are considered difficult to resolve peacefully. The most important thing is not to hide from such a boss, since such behavior can provoke the abuser, and the situation itself will develop into something terrible.

There is another option, but it requires sufficient moral preparation - to fight for yourself. In this case, it is necessary to remain constantly calm, find weaknesses in the work of the leader and be able to defend one’s rightness without resorting to raising one’s voice or scandals.

The concept of abuse

The term abuse is widely used in modern society. This is synonymous with psychological violence, in which one person becomes a victim and the other acts as a tyrant. Power or strength allows him to manipulate.

Emotional burnout - what it is and how it is related to stress, signs

The abuser drives the victim to neuroses and hysterics. She develops a persistent feeling of her own inferiority and has thoughts of suicide.

The behavior of an abuser has distinctive features:

A sharp change in mood, a sudden transition to aggression;
Demonstration of power, constant exaltation of one’s own qualities in order to belittle the victim;
Control over a partner's life, groundless jealousy. He demands an account of the movements and events that occurred during the day;
Conditions of choice between him and other people, relatives or friends;
Restriction of freedom, infringement of personal boundaries. He often resorts to double standards, prohibiting doing what he himself enjoys doing.

Note! Outbursts of aggression or surveillance, including the study of personal mail and messages, are not one-time manifestations. The abuser systematically and constantly resorts to methods of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse in the family

If the abuser is a family member, this is probably the most difficult case. A toxic person at home often punishes their loved ones with disgusting treatment, humiliation, and criticism.

It is important to note that both women and men can be abusers. A manifestation of moral violence is excessive jealousy, the desire to isolate a loved one from friends, frequent reproaches, criticism, instilling fear, punishing relatives for being away from home for a long time. Sometimes toxic people can also use physical force.

In this case, you should only rely on the support of a psychologist or even a psychotherapist. It is necessary in the right way, very carefully to convince a loved one to seek help.