Anyone can experience domestic violence. However, it is often underestimated, excused, or simply denied. Especially often when it comes to psychological rather than physical violence. Noticing and acknowledging the signs that it is present in your relationship is the first step towards liberation. No one should have to live in fear of the person they love. If anything in the signs below seems familiar to you, go ahead and look for possible options for help (specific phone numbers are at the end of the text).
What is domestic violence
Domestic (spousal) violence occurs in a situation where one spouse wants to dominate and control the other. It can be both psychological and physical (in English, these types of violence are designated by different words: domestic abuse and domestic violence - approx. translator).
Both of these types of violence serve one single purpose: achieving and maintaining total control over another person. The rapist doesn't play fair. He will use your fear, guilt, shame and humiliation to keep you in his fist (or under his thumb - depending on your gender). He may threaten you or hurt you and the people you care about.
Domestic violence can occur in couples of any age, nationality, economic and social level. And although women more often become its victims, men do not escape this fate - this is especially true for verbal abuse and emotional manipulation, however, cases of physical violence are not excluded. (For convenience, in the text we will use politically incorrect verb forms related to the “classic” version, when the victim is a woman and the rapist is a man - approx. trans.) The most important thing: such behavior cannot be tolerated, regardless of who it comes from. – men, women, teenagers or adults. You deserve to feel safe, you deserve to be valued and respected.
It is not uncommon for verbal abuse and threats to develop into physical violence over time. The most obvious danger here is the possibility of injury, but the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic violence should not be underestimated.
A union built on emotional abuse destroys your self-esteem, leads to anxiety and depression, and makes you feel helpless and alone. This is a painful condition that cannot continue - and the first step to freedom is to acknowledge the violence in your situation. Only by realizing its existence do you have a chance to get help.
Signs of Domestic Violence
There are many signs that there is violence in your relationship. The most obvious is fear of your spouse. If you feel like you have to be careful with him, constantly watching what you say and do to avoid an explosion, there is a very high probability that your relationship is unhealthy and based on violence. Other signs: Your spouse puts you down, tries to control you, and you feel helpless, despair, and self-hatred.
To determine if violence is present in your marriage, answer the questions below. If there are more “yes” answers than “no”, then most likely it is present.
Your feelings
You: – Are you afraid of your spouse? – Do you avoid certain topics in conversation for fear of angering him? – Do you feel like you can’t please him with anything? – Do you believe that you deserve to be treated poorly and hurt? – When asking yourself the question, which of you two has gone crazy, you often come to the conclusion that you? – Do you feel emotionally empty or helpless?
Your spouse's neglectful behavior
He: – Humiliates you, shouts at you? – Criticizes you? – Treats you in such a way that you are ashamed when relatives or friends witness this? – Ignores or belittles your opinion, your achievements? – Blames you for your own manifestations of violence towards you? – Does he see you as his property, and not as an independent person?
Your spouse's aggressive behavior
He: – Has an unpredictable and tough temper? – Beats you, threatens to beat you or kill you? – Threatens to take children somewhere and harm them? – Threatens to commit suicide if you leave? – Is he sexually violent towards you? – Spoils and breaks your things?
Your spouse's controlling behavior
He: – Is he very jealous and behaves like an owner? – Checks where you are going and what you are doing? – Forbids you from seeing your family or friends? – Limits your access to money, car, telephone? – Constantly monitoring you?
Actions can be considered violent even if
: – What happens to you seems insignificant compared to what you read about, heard from someone or saw on TV. There are no concepts of “worse” or “better” here. You can, for example, get very seriously injured from being “simply” pushed.
“Incidents like this only happened once or twice.” Statistics say: if your spouse raised his hand to you once, most likely he will continue to do so in the future.
– The beatings stopped after you gave up, refused to act as you think necessary, express your feelings, see the people you want. Giving up your rights to stop violence is not a victory.
– There was no physical violence. Violence comes in different forms.
Types of violence
Physical violence
Physical violence is the use of physical force that causes harm or danger to a person. Causing bodily harm is a crime, regardless of whether it is committed by strangers or family members. In this case, you have the right to seek help from the police. Sexual violence is a type of physical violence.
Emotional and verbal abuse
It is no less dangerous than the physical one, and much more difficult to recognize. Often, even the victim of such violence does not realize that he is such.
The purpose of emotional abuse is to rob you of your sense of self-worth and independence. His victim lives with the feeling that there is no way out of the situation, that without a spouse there will be nothing left in life at all.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse: being yelled at, being called offensive names, being shamed...
Isolation, humiliation, constant control are also part of emotional abuse.
To this are often added threats of physical harm or other sanctions if you do not comply with the demands of the rapist.
You may feel that physical abuse is a thousand times more dangerous than emotional abuse because it harms your health, is life-threatening, and leaves scars on your body. But the scars of emotional abuse are just as real and deep. In fact, emotional abuse is no less - and sometimes more - dangerous than physical abuse.
Economic or financial abuse: a mild form of emotional abuse
Since, as we remember, the abuser's goal is to control you, he will often use money to achieve this. Economic (financial) abuse occurs if your spouse: – Tightly controls your finances, – Keeps your money or credit cards, – Makes you account for every penny you spend, – Reduces expenses on essentials (food, clothing, medicine, housing) ), – Forbids you to work, to decide for yourself how to make a career, – Sabotages your work (forces you to skip work under various pretexts, constantly calls during working hours), – Steals your money.
Not a crime
You may be surprised, but many believe that domestic violence is not a crime at all, but the most common domestic conflict. Or family. Perhaps this is why it is not the first time that decriminalization of this offense has been proposed.
In reality this is not the case. According to the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs, about 80-85% of beatings and other manifestations of violence happen in the family. That is, domestic violence is a common phenomenon, and also very dangerous. Especially when it is committed against children. By the way, in Russia and many other countries this form of violence is not considered harmful. Rather, it is a method of education. But what if you or your children are victims? How to behave? Where to contact?
Methods of domestic violence
Domination
. A person who is violent feels the need to feel like the boss in the house. He will make decisions for you and the rest of the family, tell you what to do, and expect unquestioning obedience from you. He may treat you like a servant, a child, or even his personal property.
Humiliation
. The rapist will do everything in his power to make you feel dissatisfied with yourself and consider yourself inferior. The logic is this: if you are made to believe that you are worthless and no one needs you, you are unlikely to escape from him. Insults, offensive nicknames, reprimands, disdainful treatment of you in front of strangers - all these are tools designed to destroy your self-esteem and make you feel your own powerlessness.
Threats
. The rapist usually uses threats to prevent the victim from leaving him, complaining about him, or seeking help. He may threaten to kill you, your children, other family members, pets, commit suicide, or sue you or the guardianship authorities on trumped-up charges.
Intimidation
. In addition to direct threats, the rapist has a lot of other tactics. He may look at you threateningly or make appropriate gestures, throw things, deliberately break them in front of you, hurt animals, lay out tools in front of you with which he intends to torture you. All of these actions contain a clear message: if you disobey, you will face dire consequences.
Insulation
. To increase your dependence on him, your spouse will cut you off from the rest of the world: prohibit you from meeting friends and relatives, going to work or school. You will have to ask his permission every time you want to go somewhere or meet someone.
Denial and Blame-Shifting
. Rapists are great at making excuses for the unjustifiable. They will attribute their behavior to a difficult childhood, a bad day, or even shift the blame for it onto you. He may also minimize the harm caused or even deny what happened.
Violence is a conscious choice
Despite popular belief, domestic violence is not a consequence of the abuser losing control of himself. Such behavior is the result of a deliberate choice, the purpose of which is control over the other half. People who engage in domestic violence are able to control their behavior—and do so all the time.
They choose who to be violent towards
. These people will never insult, hit or threaten those who actually bother them. They tend to be violent towards those closest to them, those they claim to love.
They carefully choose when and where to commit violence
. They have excellent self-control while others can see their behavior. In public, they will act as if nothing is wrong, but as soon as you are alone, an explosion will follow.
They can stop their actions when they need to
. Most of them keep the situation under control and do not lose their temper at all. They will find peace of mind at that very second, as soon as witnesses, police officers appear on the horizon, or a phone call from the boss is heard.
When they hit, they carefully choose places where bruises will not be visible.
. This behavior is unusual for a person who has lost control of himself.
The vicious circle of domestic violence
Schematically, it can be represented as follows: Violence - guilt - apologies - normal behavior - fantasies and planning - creating the right situation - violence.
Violence
.
Your spouse explodes, hits, humiliates, or insults you. This behavior is a game, the purpose of which is to show you who is boss. Guilt
.
After this, he feels guilty - but the reason for this is not his behavior. He is more worried about the fact that someone might have seen or heard it, and his outburst is fraught with consequences. Apologies and justifications
.
He realizes what he has done. After this, he may begin to make excuses, shift the blame onto you, or even apologize - in a word, do everything to avoid responsibility for what he has done. Normal behavior
.
He does everything to maintain his composure and prevent you from leaving him. He can behave as if nothing had happened, and can become extremely attentive and gentle. All this gives the victim false hopes that the rapist has reformed and now everything will be different. He makes you believe that only you can help him, that he loves you. All this makes leaving him difficult. However, staying with this person is dangerous. Fantasies and planning
.
He begins to think again about being violent towards the victim. He spends a lot of time counting all your mistakes and shortcomings and figuring out how to get even with you. After this, he begins to plan how to turn these fantasies into reality. Creating the right situation
. Guided by the plan, he builds a mise-en-scène in which he can finally begin to act again. The circle closes and everything repeats itself again.
Pray and it will be given to you
As for prayer, asking God for help is, of course, necessary. However, if you expect that fervent petitions, frequent communion, and trips to holy places will automatically provide you with a new and improved version of your husband, this desire will not only be naively immature, but also impious.
Of course, if God wanted, he could have “reformatted” all people at once, putting in them the right program so that they would not commit evil. But why did He need the freedom of human will? Why did He give this disturbing gift to Adam and Eve, knowing that they would violate his prohibition? This means that God respects His most beloved creation and wants people to renounce evil consciously, and not mechanically. God respects the domestic tyrant and does not deprive even him of free will...
In prayer you can and should find support for your weak - just human ones! - strength, but you will still have to make decisions and take actions concerning your life on your own. No one in the world except you can do this.
How to Tell if Someone You Know is Experiencing Domestic Violence
It is impossible to know what goes on behind the closed doors of the family home, but there are some signs that a person is being physically or emotionally abused. If you notice them on a friend, colleague, or relative, take it seriously.
People who are being abused may
: – Showing fear towards your spouse or worrying too much about pleasing them, – Doing everything according to their orders, – Constantly calling them and letting them know where they are and what they are doing, – Receiving, in turn, too frequent phone calls calls and messages from him - Talk about your spouse’s bad temper, his jealousy, his sense of ownership.
You should also be wary of some psychological signs
: – Very low self-esteem in a person who was previously confident, – Any other sudden personality changes (for example, a previously outgoing person becomes withdrawn), – Depression, increased anxiety, talk of suicide.
People who are physically abused may
: – Frequently be injured as a result of “accidents”, – Often miss work, school, social events without explanation, – Wear closed clothing that is not appropriate for the season, sunglasses indoors.
People who are forced into isolation may
: – Rarely appear in society without a spouse. – Meeting with relatives and friends less and less. – Have limited access to money, credit cards, or a car.
If you notice any of these signs, don’t be afraid to seem intrusive and unceremonious, don’t convince yourself that it’s none of your business, that you could be wrong... Anything can happen, but by hushing up the problem, you’re putting too much at stake: it’s even possible human life. So try to talk to the alleged victim about it.
How to do it?
– Talk to the person alone, – Ask if anything is wrong, – Express your concern about the situation, – Point out what signs are causing you concern, – If she is not ready to talk now, let her know you are nearby, you are always ready to talk about this topic and provide assistance. “Assure her that whatever she tells you will remain between you.” – Listen carefully to determine whether your version is supported, – Offer help, – Support your interlocutor’s decisions.
What not to do
: – Wait for the alleged victim of domestic violence to contact you first, – Make judgments and blame someone, – Put pressure on her, – Give advice, – Offer help and support on some conditions.
Remember that rapists are excellent manipulators. People experiencing domestic violence are depressed, emotionally exhausted, scared, confused, and ashamed. It is extremely difficult for them to seek help, and sometimes impossible, so your participation in their fate can be extremely important.
There is an exit
- Contact a psychologist. Some people don’t know how to set boundaries, express their dissatisfaction, and are used to agreeing with their partner even if they don’t like it. A debriefing with a psychologist can give you a chance to start your family life over again.
- If bullying is systematically repeated, you need to agree on temporary shelter with family and friends. Decide to divorce, find a job and save money;
- Negotiations with the tyrant should be conducted through an intermediary so that he cannot manipulate. For example, a lawyer, one of your relatives or friends.
- Minimize communication, do not succumb to blackmail;
- Contact specialized crisis centers for women.
Where to go in a situation of domestic violence?
– Moscow psychological assistance service: 051 (free, 24 hours a day). – Emergency psychological helpline: 8 (495) 575-87-70. – Center for socio-legal and psychological support for women “Nadezhda”. Hotline – (499) 492-06-48. – All-Russian helpline for women subjected to domestic violence: 8-800-7000-600. – Crisis Center for Helping Women: helpline: 8 (499) 977 20 10, sign up for a consultation, 8 (499) 977 17 05. – Crisis center for pregnant women and women with children “House for Mom” (a project of the Orthodox Help Service “ Mercy"): 8 (495) 678-75-46.
Original article Domestic Violence and Abuse
Decriminalization
Only recently they want to decriminalize violence in the home. Such proposals have been voiced more than once in the Russian government. This means that domestic violence against children and women (and men too, if it occurs) will be abolished.
What is proposed to replace the punishment? Administrative responsibility. Simply put, by paying the appropriate fine. It will have to be calculated based on the nature of the damage inflicted on the victim.
However, society considers such a measure incorrect. Even with the existence of criminal liability, people rarely complain about domestic violence in any form. And if o, then the problem will worsen even more. And violators or individuals prone to violence will begin to feel their complete impunity. In any case, the final decision has not yet been made. And for now, such actions, of course, if there is evidence, are punishable by either imprisonment for up to 3 years or arrest for 15 days.
