How a man copes with a breakup with his lover

Does a man worry about this? - the women will ask. After all, the stronger sex is strong enough to endure love trials. The opinion is very popular, but no less erroneous. Science confirms that the stronger half of humanity suffers the breakup of a love relationship more difficult than the weaker sex.

And if you delve deeper into the analysis of family psychology, you will discover another fact - the psyche of guys is generally weaker than the psyche of girls. And it turns out that the stronger sex also cries, only inside itself. They are also capable of sentiment: remembering the first meeting, touching, kissing. The only difference is that they don't share it with anyone.

Parting with your lover

Okay, but if this is just an affair “on the side” and there is an alternative option - to return to your spouse and live as before - do men experience a breakup in this case? Logically, there is no place for suffering here. After all, a person has an outlet - a legal wife and, probably, children, to whom he can immediately switch. In addition, there is always a chance to find a new sex partner.

All this is true and it seems that it should be so, but in reality it does not happen. Let’s agree right away that we are not considering a one-day affair with a friend whose name is forgotten the next day, but a long-term relationship between lovers in which feelings have already appeared. So, for any normal person, no matter how many “outlets” he has, parting with his beloved will always be something unpleasant, often associated with pain and depression.

What stages does a person go through after breaking up with his loved one? The breakup of a love relationship is considered by psychologists as a type of loss. Therefore, a lover who decides to stay with his wife and for some reason leaves his second beloved will not be able to quickly get into the usual rut. Here you will have to go through several emotional (and not entirely pleasant) stages. Some of them can be observed by the wife nearby.

Should you get a divorce?

Since you obviously agree with your husband's demands at this time, there are several possibilities why you would do this. Most likely, this is not the first or tenth time that a man lays down the laws and you agree to his wishes. Think about how long you are willing to tolerate such an attitude? If a conversation with your spouse does not lead to anything, he is not going to change anything in his life, isn’t it time for you to decide to make these changes? Don’t try to maintain the apparent illusion of family happiness, which is not good for anyone.

The first stage is denial, the second is anger.

When in denial, the partner does not believe that he was able to lose his mistress, or rather, that this event is irreparable. Plans are still being made in his head to spend time together, and there is a glimmer of hope that this is just another quarrel, after which reconciliation will come.

Anger comes after realizing that the relationship is no longer there. Under the influence of anger, the behavior of a stronger half is not always predictable: emotions can manifest themselves openly, or they can rage inside and be invisible to others.

This stage is characterized by hidden accusations of the friend for her passivity, anger for the fact that she could not prevent his departure. Then the accusations fall on himself. Often the spouse can also be a victim. Especially if she is aware of what happened and the couple had a conversation on this topic. Often, a husband can harbor a grudge and mentally wage a “cold war” with his wife, or openly declare his indignation, finding fault with every little thing.

What stages does a man go through?

Psychologists do not share whether a man is worried about a breakup with his beloved woman, wife, or because of a separation from his mistress. Any break in a relationship falls into the category of loss of something valuable. Therefore, here the man goes through certain stages of loss, some of which the wife may notice. The only difference here is the speed of passage through these stages, which depends only on how strong and deep the lover’s feelings for his mistress were:

1. The first stage is called denial. At this stage, a person cannot believe what happened. He still hopes that his beloved will come back, he continues to make plans for spending time together, sometimes his hand reaches out to call his mistress. A man does not accept reality because he was not ready for it or does not want to accept it.
2. The second stage is called anger. At this stage, a person experiences hatred, anger, dissatisfaction towards the one he lost. A man can be angry both openly and within himself, unnoticed by others. But still, a man cannot completely extinguish these feelings within himself. His anger can spill out on his wife, children, and work colleagues who irritate him with every little thing. Even a mistress, because of whom a man is angry, can suffer in some way. For example, a man can call her to say a bunch of nasty things, or meet her at the entrance to stir up old feelings.

Often at this stage, a man blames either himself, or his mistress, or even his wife, especially if she caused the breakup of the lovers’ relationship. By the way, if it was the wife who separated the lovers, then at this stage the man becomes so aggressive that he ceases to be afraid of anything. He runs to his mistress to return her and unite, without fear that his wife will find out about this and might leave him.

If a man does not return his mistress, and the wife was not the reason for the breakup of the love union, then some tension will still be felt in the marriage. A man may accidentally snap at his wife, who may wonder what dictates his behavior.

1. The third stage is called bargaining. Here the man is trying to come to an agreement with himself: how long will he still love his mistress, how much time will he give her to return, what concessions is he willing to make if his mistress starts returning, etc. It is at this stage that a man can break loose and go to his mistress to bargain with her. He doesn’t seem to be trying to bring her back, but he shows up on her doorstep to tell her what she’s lost and what will happen if she doesn’t return to him. He will tell her how much time he gives her to come to her senses.

In this way, the psyche tries to calm itself down and distance itself from negative emotions that a man cannot otherwise eliminate.

1. The fourth stage is called depression. At this stage, the man finally accepts reality. He realizes that nothing can be returned. From the realization of loss, a person falls into apathy, depression, nothing interests him.
2. The fifth stage is the final one – a new life. Here the man realizes that he is wasting time on unreasonable worries and thinking about what cannot be returned. He has a desire to start a new life, he pulls himself together and, as often happens, looks for a new mistress.

Stages three and four—bargaining and depression

He bargains with himself or gets in touch with his former beloved and arranges a bargain with her. What does bargaining mean? When a man experiences a breakup, he tries to set some deadlines in order to determine the time interval required for the return of his beloved. And this is normal, because this is how the psyche tries to cope with negative emotions and get used to the thought of parting.

At some point, the realization comes that it is too late to do anything, and there is no point in denying what happened. Indifference, sadness and depression come to a person.

Difference between male and female experiences

Men and women experience breakups differently, and they also express their feelings differently. While women can allow themselves to cry and share their grief with friends or relatives, men keep everything to themselves. As a result, the consequences for them are more severe.

However, research results have shown that women still suffer more. At the same time, they cope with it much faster, their psyche recovers faster. The reason lies in female nature - girls are more stress-resistant and resilient, and shocks such as separation only make their nervous system stronger. As for men, they sometimes cannot recover from the shock until the end of their lives.

Actions and deeds of men

How do men cope with a breakup? If a married man breaks up with his mistress, and if the end of the romance is put on a woman’s initiative, he feels a terrible emptiness - a vacuum, as psychologists call the phenomenon. This is especially acute when everything collapses suddenly, groundlessly, as if out of nowhere.

The situation is further aggravated by the presence of emotional dependence on a former passion. This case suggests all the reasons for the stress that the body is exposed to at all levels.

One of the reasons for this reaction is its secretive nature. Holding emotions inside and not wanting to splash them out leads to adrenaline levels going off scale in the blood. How does a man behave when he experiences this? He goes to great lengths. For example:

• Goes on an alcoholic binge. Sometimes it turns into addiction.
• He goes to the gym and expels his anger there (usually, he breaks his hands and bleeds).
• He gets into the car and rushes at high speed.
• Finds an active physical activity that he spends the whole day doing. This way, not only does aggression spill out, but also a state of physical exhaustion comes, which helps to “turn off” the thought process.

Experiences based on zodiac sign

Regardless of the reasons why a couple separated, men experience breakups differently. This largely depends on the horoscope.

Features of male feelings by zodiac sign:

1. Aries reacts to the end of a relationship aggressively and emotionally. In special cases, a retired gentleman can fly into a rage and cause a lot of trouble. At the same time, representatives of this sign quickly cool down and lose interest in their ex.
2. Taurus perceives a breakup very dramatically. For them, this is tantamount to tragedy, because this sign is characterized by stability, affection and adherence to traditions.
3. Twins . For them, separation is a new stage in life. Having grieved a little about their beloved, they easily find a new passion or switch their attention to something else.
4. Cancer , due to its vulnerability, reacts painfully to separation. He worries for a long time and until the last hopes for the restoration of relations.
5. Leo , due to pride and increased self-esteem, reacts to the end of a relationship very painfully, especially when the initiative was on the part of the partner. But if Leo himself was the initiator, then strong feelings do not arise.
6. Virgo is one of the most devoted and family signs; separation for him becomes the collapse of all foundations. Such people often love their exes for the rest of their lives and deep down cannot forgive them.
7. Libra is a very calm sign. If a woman cannot give him the peace he desires, he himself breaks up and does not regret it. But when he was rejected, he will try to find out the reason, but only in order to return to his previous calm course.
8. Scorpion. Despite the complexity of his character, he rarely breaks off relationships on his own initiative. But if you left him, he can take cruel revenge.
9. Sagittarius is a sign that doesn't take breakups seriously. For him, a break does not mean leaving forever. Such people are quite capable of returning to their exes.
10. Capricorn is reliable, so he rarely breaks. If they abandoned him, then she worries greatly, but in such a way that others do not see it.
11. Aquarius breaks up quickly and easily, as he does not like unnecessary drama and showdowns. With the same speed, he makes new passions and forgets his exes.
12. Pisces have a hard time going through this period. Often it leaves a deep wound in their soul for life.

The suffering of men during separation is much more diverse and deeper than described above. Representatives of the stronger sex of the same psychotype or zodiac sign may react differently to the end of a relationship depending on their upbringing, social environment, mental state, etc. Therefore, data regarding this topic are conditional and generalizations in nature.

If a relationship is an addiction

According to research by psychologists, it is dependent partners who experience a break with their loved one the hardest. Such people are advised to immediately contact a psychotherapist, otherwise, trying to switch to something else, it is easy to fall from one addiction to another (for example, alcoholism).

Dependent people confuse their feelings with love. In fact, addiction is inherent in those who do not love themselves. That is why they desperately try to find love in another, believing in the illusion that he will make him happy and protected. But reality proves the opposite - if there is no love inside the person itself, then there will be no love outside.

An abandoned person needs to realize that his salvation is only in respect and self-love. If he is terrified of losing, this will definitely happen. This is the law of the universe.

But there is another option for separation - by mutual agreement. Here the situation is a little easier, and farewell will most likely be painless. The time spent together will leave the couple with pleasant memories and slight sadness, and instead of regret and pain, people will experience mutual gratitude. In this situation, it will be easier for a representative of the stronger sex if there is a loving spouse nearby who is ready to forgive the betrayal and start all over again.

A proper separation, psychologists say, is when the void created after a break with a partner is filled with something pleasant and new. So, in some cases, the married man himself introduces his girlfriend to a new gentleman (one of his friends) and unobtrusively brings them together. This method is called “leaving unnoticed.”

What to do if there are children in the family?

You only have two options. You can continue to be willingly harassed and accept that you and the marriage are simply convenient for your husband, or you can stand up for yourself, refuse the harassment, and end the marriage. Neither option is painless, but if the future depends on it, why not try?

If you have children, think very carefully about whether you want to continue forcing them to tolerate this type of parenting behavior. Divorce can be difficult for children, but not so difficult that it is unsurvivable. It is a misconception that children need both parents, regardless of whether the family is prosperous or not. Do not deceive yourself if your husband insults you with his infidelities.

This is insulting to you and your children. If you decide to stay together for the sake of the children, there is a chance that they themselves will grow up to become cheaters, humiliate their partners and will not be able to build healthy family relationships. The result will be a vicious circle. Before dooming your children to such a life, think seriously about the state of affairs.

How to get through a difficult period?

How to survive a breakup with your lover? Is there a recipe to make it easier to survive a breakup with your lover? If an event is difficult to experience, psychologists advise looking for the “pluses” (and they certainly exist) and concentrating on them.

For example:

1. Set a goal - to forget about what happened once and for all - and follow it relentlessly. Try to provoke yourself: arouse interest in sports, start a competition with yourself, test your inner strength.
2. You need to forget about SMS, phone conversations and letters from a man to his mistress. Delete previous correspondence, do not go on social networks to check when she was last online, and do not keep the phone near you for the long-awaited call. Believe me, the less time you devote to such actions, the less pain you will experience.
3. Think about your wife. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and try to imagine how she feels. If your spouse knows about going “to the left,” believe me, it’s even harder for her than for you. If she doesn’t know, then she probably noticed from your atypical behavior that something happened and she’s worried no less.
4. Think about the fact that sooner or later this had to happen. And be glad that it happened now, and not later, when the situation would have escalated to its peak, and your wife would have found out about the betrayal. Or you would have to take responsibility and make a choice between women.
5. It’s great that now you don’t have to be torn between two fires and sophisticated in lies and tricks.
6. When you leave, leave. Don't answer calls and texts, no matter how much you want to.
7. Take your wife and children (if you have any) and go on a two-week trip. After such an ordeal, men need to get closer to their family, a change of environment and new experiences more than ever. Perhaps, after all the storm of emotions, you and your wife will begin a new stage in your marriage.

Conversation with my husband

Don't let yourself lose your temper. Don't shout, don't show character! Control yourself. Don't be too enthusiastic.

Don't argue when he tells you how he feels. Anything more calm will only infuriate a man. Be patient and learn to listen carefully to what your spouse tells you.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh and focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong and confident. Don't be overtly desperate or needy, even if you're hurting more than ever.

Don't focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! Moreover, nowadays your husband simply doesn’t care what you think or feel!

Don't believe anything you hear him say. Your spouse will speak absolutely negatively, and do so in the harshest tones imaginable. A man’s goal is to justify himself and his behavior, even if this means blaming you.

How to live after your husband's betrayal

If the wife becomes aware of her husband’s infidelity, it is very difficult to restore the relationship after this. A woman, even if she forgives a man, is unlikely to be able to forget about his action, and will remind him of it when the opportunity arises. To bring the relationship between spouses back to normal requires a lot of effort on both sides.

1. Break ties with your lover. Start with the obvious: end the relationship for good. You can do this in front of your wife: call or write a message to your mistress. It must be clearly stated that all contact must cease; that she can no longer be a part of your life. This way, the wife you cheated on gains some power, and the cheater shows that his or her priorities are back on track.
2. Bring complete transparency to your relationship. You should be allowed to view each other's SMS messages, phone records, emails, social media accounts and bank passwords until trust is restored. All your efforts should be aimed at restoring trust.
3. Talk and sort things out. A healthy way to discuss infidelity is to talk. If you ask a question, be prepared for unpleasant answers. If you do answer, answer each question directly and honestly.
4. Relax together. Just be together and try to make it as romantic as possible. As for sex, you can return to it as soon as you're both ready.
5. Work to rekindle passion and love. Devote at least 15 hours a week (two hours a day or most weekends) of time together, during which you can meet your friend's emotional and physical needs. Participate in activities you enjoy (trying new restaurants or working out together) and remain honest and transparent. If after all of this you still don't feel like your relationship is getting better, consider therapy or couples counseling to help you work through your feelings and figure out what your next best move should be.

As you can see, betrayal is a difficult test for both partners. But divorce is a last resort. First you need to try to save the relationship and try to restore trust and love in the couple.