Intimophobia: why a man is afraid of trusting and close relationships and how to help him

Intimophobia is not a disease, but a form of mental disorder, characteristic of 30% of adults living in civilized countries. Psychologists admit that it is not easy to completely get rid of this disorder, since intimophobes themselves most often do not want to admit that they have a problem - a far-fetched fear of personal, deeply emotional, trusting and intimate relationships.

As a rule, intimophobia will join the problems characteristic of modern humanity - neuroses, emotional and psychological disorders. Intimophobia is not inherited or genetically transmitted. However, it is increasingly being diagnosed in patients who grew up in single-parent families - where the child was strongly influenced by a parent of the same sex.

Then what's the problem?

The problem is that intimophobe gets bored without strong passions - it is extremely necessary for him to experience them. And in order to keep their emotions afloat and constantly update their own feelings, they prefer to change partners as often as possible.

Intimophobia in men manifests itself in a constant search for sexual adventures, new novels, and vivid “Don Juan” behavior. Less often, an intimate phobe behaves like a reserved “love seeker”—this is how someone who has been kept under constant control by their mothers and grandmothers for too long prefers to act. But in any case, such a Casanova is terribly afraid of his own feelings and strong emotions, limiting himself only to sexual contacts with a slight touch of romance.

Intimophobes often remain bachelors, staying as far away from family ties as possible. And even if such a man accidentally has a child, he does everything not to take responsibility for him and the woman. Even if something happens to his close relatives (an illness, a situation requiring help), the intimate phobe strives to quickly remove himself from the “field of responsibility” to a safe distance, in which there will be no need to show force or make a serious decision.

Of course, an intimate phobe can maintain a long-term relationship with his partner for some time. But as soon as he hears a conversation about marriage or the transition to living together, as a rule, he does everything to end the relationship, even if yesterday he experienced ardent passion. In a word, he is ready to communicate, but not ready to trust.

Son of an unhappy bachelor9

In men, intimate phobia develops by observing the unsuccessful personal life of their father. Especially if, because of a woman, the parent committed indecent actions: committed a crime, attempted suicide, or turned into a “wimp” and a “rag.” The boy observes such a picture, and every year he cultivates in his soul a feeling of deep antipathy towards the female half of humanity.

The first unsuccessful experience in love or in bed plays a big role. The boy takes root in his hostility towards the weaker sex and gradually becomes an intimate phobe. Sometimes a man experiences fear of sex due to the small size of the penis. If a heartless partner had the stupidity to ridicule the dignity of a young man, then the strongest offense will cause negativity in him against all the girls in the world.

Do intimate phobes get married?

Yes, this is possible if circumstances require it. But even in marriage, the intimate phobe does not allow the violation of his own “rights to freedom,” which he needs for internal comfort. Even after starting a married life together, an intimate phobe continues to maintain a distance from his partner, does not strive to change his lifestyle, and continues to expand the list of his sexual contacts. The main argument for this is the need to “preserve your personal space” and “realize your personal plans” - this is how the intimate phobe explains his periodic “exit into the world” to his other half. It is not surprising that in 99% of cases, intimophobes are left alone again, because few people manage to maintain family relationships with them.

In some cases, intimophobes may experience a more complex syndrome - sexual aversion, the emergence of a sudden aversion to a sexual partner. A woman whom only yesterday he considered attractive and sexy, today (or after some time) seems unpleasant and even disgusting to an intimate phobe. Moreover, the intimate phobe himself does not realize the real reason for his feelings, considering them absolutely natural.

Signs

Intimophobes are afraid of emotional attachment, and therefore do everything possible to avoid it. Some completely refuse dating and relationships, others avoid serious relationships, immediately run away if their partner begins to make plans for a future together or declares his love.

Most intimate phobes look very attractive to other people. They are sociable, active, and easily make new acquaintances. However, they do not go further than superficial communication, easy and relaxed, fun pastime. They always keep their distance, fight for their freedom, intimate (personal) space.

If an intimate phobe feels that he has let someone too close, or if someone begins to put pressure on him, hinting at getting closer, then the patient may have a panic attack. It is accompanied by somatic reactions:

• nausea,
• headache,
• dizziness,
• tremor of the limbs,
• chills,
• increased sweating,
• feeling of suffocation
• icing of the limbs,
• paleness or redness of the face,
• pressure surges,
• confusion,
• a feeling of unreality of what is happening;
• presyncope and fainting.

At this moment, the intimate phobe tries to run away, and may push, hit or insult another person.

Why does intimate phobia occur?

Psychiatrists and psychologists believe that intimate phobia is always directly related to the costs of upbringing, since this problem is formed in childhood or adolescence, when the child observes the behavior of his parents and takes them as a basis.

Most often, one of the parents shapes the child’s attitude towards the opposite sex based on their own failures in their personal life. A child, observing how difficult a relationship with a woman or man is for a parent, forms his own perception. And hearing frequent statements from a parent that “women only need one thing - money” or that “all men cheat,” the child does not even imagine the possibility of trusting a member of the opposite sex and building a personal relationship with him.

Projecting this mistrust onto himself, the teenager creates his own algorithm of behavior towards the opposite sex: run away and hide so as not to get hurt. And since a person has a naturally strong instinct of self-preservation, which protects him from injury, the parental pattern of behavior only reinforces this instinct, adding to it a fear of attachment and long-term personal relationships.

True, intimate phobia can also develop in adulthood - it can be caused by a powerful drama on the personal front or very strong pressure from a partner about the need to “get married urgently.”

Lack of parental love7

The cause of intimate phobia has its roots in a person’s early childhood. The vulnerable child was raised in a family where the parents did not give full attention and love to their offspring. Perhaps the father and mother treated the baby rudely or indifferently. As a result, the baby learned not only to hide feelings, but also to “erase” them from his soul. Feeling close to another person feels uncomfortable and suffocating. He, like a snail, wants to quickly hide in his shell and stick out his curious horns.

Is it possible to cure intimophobe?

It is possible, but only if he realizes his problem and seeks help from a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. However, more often than not, intimaphobes themselves do not believe that they are experiencing serious psycho-emotional disorders, and therefore do not strive to change their attitude towards life and undertake treatment for intimophobia.

The only reason to contact a specialist may be a severe version of intimophobia - fear of sexual intercourse (coitophobia). In the absence of problems with sexual contacts, an intimate phobe sees no reason to see a psychotherapist at all.

And yet, loved ones of an intimophobe should not lose hope. If you manage to convince him to visit a psychologist, then it is quite possible to overcome the problem with the help of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy techniques, in which you as a partner will also need to take part. If necessary, a psychotherapist can prescribe antidepressants, with the help of which it will be easier for an intimate phobe to experience attacks of fear and panic.

How to overcome the current situation?

Every problem needs to find a solution. Instead of asking dozens of times a day why my husband or boyfriend refuses me in bed, you can help your loved one yourself. What do I need to do?

• Always look after yourself

A well-groomed woman, even without being an ideal of beauty, makes you want to have sex with her. How long have you been to a hairdresser or manicure? When was the last time you updated your wardrobe? Who is waiting for a man at home - an aunt in a greasy robe or a seductive “sweetie”?

• Talk, don't play dumb

Ask honestly why your husband avoids sex, and how you personally can help him. Perhaps the spouse does not know where to start such a serious conversation, he is afraid of ridicule and condemnation.

• Minimize stress in your boyfriend's life

So he comes home from work, where he may have argued with colleagues or received a reprimand from his boss - and at home you are waiting for him with new claims. Of course, thoughts about sex in such an environment will be one of the last to arise. Turn your home into a place where a man will rest his soul and body.

• Make sex more varied

The same position, the same scenario of intimacy will kill any desire. Buy sex toys, learn a new way of giving a blowjob, play role-playing games with your partner. Just ask first how your partner feels about such experiments - the already mentioned intimate phobes may be embarrassed by your determination.

Symptoms of androphobia

This mental disorder is a social problem. At the same time, a woman may reject the possibility of having this disease. And only if, in the presence of a man, she experiences fear at the sight of him, touching him, getting close to him in any way, and building any kind of relationship here seems completely impossible, then this undoubtedly means that she has androphobia. This fear is the first symptom of the disease. It also happens that a woman misinterprets her reaction to men and resorts to using substances harmful to the body in order to drown out her internal tension. In the future, this can lead to alcoholism and drug addiction. It is important to start treatment at the initial stages so that the woman can quickly return to a full life. Other symptoms of androphobia include:

• fear of large crowds of male representatives and contacts with them;
• negative experiences with men in the past: deception, violence, etc.;
• negative feelings when communicating with men;
• discrepancy between the image of a real man and the fictitious idealized one.

Treatment of this pathology:

Treatment takes place in several directions. During the treatment process, emotional and personal problems are corrected.

• Psychotherapy. The method is selected separately for each case, depending on the personal qualities of the patient and the characteristics of the disorder. Psychoanalysis, group trainings, auto-trainings are used. Self-esteem is corrected during the treatment process. The main reason for the appearance of fear is revealed. Then the fear is processed at the subconscious level.
• Psychocorrection. Special situations are used, after coping with which, a person gets rid of fear.
• Hypnosis. A person is put into a trance state, in which he is taught the correct reaction to a stimulus.
• Autotraining. When using regular autogenic training, a person’s stress level decreases. Which accordingly makes his condition easier.
• Drug therapy. Drugs of different pharmacological groups are used: tranquilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics. They help eliminate disturbed mood.
• Rehabilitation . The results achieved during psychotherapy and drug correction should be consolidated in everyday life. With the participation of relatives and friends, patients maintain a healthy lifestyle, including regular varied nutrition and moderate physical activity.

Diagnostics

First, the doctor collects anamnesis and determines the patient's current condition.

Usually a man is asked to fill out a special questionnaire. After this, an inspection is carried out. It allows you to identify signs of hormonal, vascular and neurological disorders.

First, the doctor collects anamnesis and determines the patient's current condition. Usually a man is asked to fill out a special questionnaire.

Special examinations are carried out to identify physical pathological changes. Among them:

• pharmacodopplerography of the arteries of the penis
• cavernosography
• registration of spontaneous erections
• electromyography of the perineal muscles

If situational or psychogenic impotence is suspected, a man undergoes a series of special tests. They allow you to determine the connection between sexual intercourse and depression or anxiety.

If the doctor suspects the endocrine origin of the pathology, laboratory diagnostics are performed. Such studies are aimed at determining the levels of prolactin, testosterone and other hormones in the blood.