Why doesn’t a man want a relationship and yet won’t let go? 8 reasons and advice from a psychologist

Men do not immediately see their partner as their wife and mother of future children. And there are no complaints about this - this is absolutely normal. But what if the relationship became more than romantic and froze in place? After all, according to the logic of things, the couple should step to a new level. She should, but something is stopping her. Or rather, not something, but a companion who begins to behave like a “dog in the manger.” The woman is in limbo, and quite reasonable thoughts begin to overcome her: why doesn’t a man want a serious relationship? Why does he keep his distance, but doesn’t want to let go? How to behave and do you need to do something? Male psychology is very interesting, sit down, girls, let's look into this topic.

Why a man doesn't want a relationship with a married woman

Somehow it has happened in the world that a girl’s relationship with a married man no longer causes surprise or particular bitterness.
Many young ladies now have the status of mistress. And for many, it suits them. After all, she has no obligations to a man (neither domestic nor moral). But there are far fewer stories and facts about a man’s relationship with a married woman. So why doesn't a man want a relationship with a married woman?

Male psychology. It’s one thing when a guy
chooses a time for meetings, and quite another when a lady does it. For some representatives of the stronger sex, this “hits” their pride very painfully.
A married lady may want a serious relationship with her lover. If the new admirer is superior to her husband in some way, then it is quite logical that the girl will fall in love with him and decide to leave the family. What if she has children? lover
will have to raise them .

The reason for the question: “?” may also lie in the fact that his girlfriend is already married. And he, in turn, does not want additional problems in his life.

Man after divorce

Divorce is a great shock for men. It doesn’t matter for what reasons and on whose initiative it occurred, representatives of the stronger sex experience it painfully. If a woman can throw out her emotions to relatives, in intimate gatherings with friends, in her own transformation, then a man more often withdraws and even reaches into the bottle. Such unprocessed traumas remain in the soul for a long time, leaving an imprint on future behavior.

A man is not ready for a serious relationship after a divorce for several reasons.

The first is that too little time has passed since the breakup. And if the divorce was difficult (division of property, insults, court, tears of children), then fresh wounds purely morally push the man away from a serious relationship. He resists, fears, rejects, doubts, and does not trust the opposite sex. This will last until the unpleasant memories are erased. If, moreover, a man still loves his ex, the current one will lose to her on all fronts. Only his wife knew how much sugar he needed in his tea, what his favorite color of tie was, what to serve after a hard day at work.

The second situation is that too much time has passed since the divorce. This case is more serious, because the man has already fallen in love with his free status. He controls himself - he eats, sleeps, plays on the computer, drinks beer as much as he wants. The lone wolf does not intend to change anything in his ways, and any conversations on serious topics are perceived too sharply by him. He defends his freedom and will stop any attempts to encroach on it. Here a serious conversation is absolutely necessary, because an avid bachelor is sincerely surprised at what is bothering you in such a wonderful, stable relationship.

There is another option that the man does not trust his partner. Especially if his ex-wife betrayed him. Or the last marriage was so unsuccessful that it introduced serious destructive attitudes:

no matter what you do for your wife, there will be no gratitude, no response, no praise, no respect, no support;
the woman constantly yells, is dissatisfied with everything, angry, disheveled, unkempt;
all women become indifferent after a year of marriage;
in the family they only know what to demand, reproach, roar, suffer;
Living together is a complete inconvenience, a violation of personal space.

Only a truly loving, devoted and patient woman can help him overcome psychological difficulties. Such life positions have become stronger every year, so do not expect to correct this in a short time.

If you and a man really want a serious relationship, but past sad experiences are greatly hindering you, seek help from a psychologist. A specialist will help your chosen one rethink values and let go of past grievances in order to step towards happiness.

Type No. 2. Collector

This type includes men who need fans. He keeps women for himself, periodically making himself known with a compliment, a gift, sudden and lightning-fast sex.

The Collector’s favorite method is to remain silent and silent, then write, remain silent some more and call somewhere. He needs this in order to feel in demand. The collector knows that he has 25 women whom he can write or call at any time, and someone from his Don Juan list will definitely respond.

Psychologically, the Collector is very insecure. To feel good, he needs women whom he keeps at some distance.

Lack of self-worth

For most of human history, men have been responsible for providing for their families. Naturally, it was always very important for them to feel their own value for their household. A lack of recognition for a man who is truly trying to do everything for his partner can be a clear sign that it is time to end the relationship.

Naturally, one should not devalue praise and recognition by overly positive reaction to a trifling act. At the same time, truly significant actions on the part of a man, as well as on the part of a woman, should be assessed with dignity. Otherwise, he may get the impression that his partner is not interested in continuing the relationship.

What happens when he doesn't hold on and doesn't let go

First, let’s understand what “doesn’t let go” means. Did he handcuff you to the radiator? No? Then you don’t need to take the phrase “he won’t let me go” so literally. Maybe the reason is you. And you are the one who doesn’t want to leave him and always finds a reason to stay with him. But he’s happy with everything, and he doesn’t want to change anything.

It often happens that the reason for such a situation is precisely a woman who is not ready to let go of a man. And he just lives his normal life, and from time to time he remembers you. And then only when you do not appear on his horizon for a long time. When you meet, he showers you with compliments and says that he really needs you. That's all. From what she hears, the woman relaxes and resumes the relationship.

If this is your situation, then ask yourself the question, what about your dignity and self-respect? Don't they suffer from this attitude? Why do you need a man whose words are not supported by deeds?

Think about the reason for such a male attitude towards you. Maybe he doesn’t hold you and doesn’t let you go because he considers you as a backup option, which he will always accept in case of failure with another woman. If your man is married, then perhaps he calls you when he has problems in the family or he just wants a little break from family responsibilities. He begins to talk about your beauty, about how he needs you, how he misses you. And you drop everything and rush headlong to the meeting. And after a while, everything repeats again. Understand that he does not have genuine feelings of love for you. That is why he acts like that dog in the manger.

Psychologists who have studied this problem say that if a man really loves and appreciates, then a woman always feels it and sees it in his actions. She will never have the thought that she could be a backup option. She feels at ease and calm next to her loved one. She is sure of his feelings. Therefore, to get out of this unpleasant situation, love yourself, first of all.

How to behave as a woman

The man you love said that he doesn’t want a serious relationship, but wants ease and communication without obligations... Well, at least he said - at least your further behavior will be meaningful.

Yes, this is bold, frank, but how to react to such words? How to behave and are such statements normal? Such phrases are unpleasant, but acceptable in a relationship, because they immediately show you the cards. Your job is to figure out what to do with these cards.

The first step is to have a serious conversation on this topic. Find out - he doesn’t want it at all or right now? If now, limit the time frame. For example: let’s meet (live) like this for 3 months, if nothing changes, we’ll have to break up. This is how the companion makes it clear that she refuses to waste time. This strategy is perfect for those situations if the couple already lives in the same territory or the chosen one is too young in age.

If your partner is repulsed by your behavior, find out what exactly irritates him. As soon as a woman rationally approaches this issue and begins to change, the man’s attitude towards her will change. He will see that you are interested in him, value him, value him, and this is the main thing.

If your chosen one is with you due to the lack of another woman, tell him honestly that you are ready to become his faithful and devoted companion, but in the case of a normal relationship. You will not allow yourself to be used. This will make him look at you with different eyes. Believe me, after this, respect for you will increase by 200%.

If a man ignores a serious relationship because he is fixated on himself, either accept him as such, be a shadow and a faithful companion, or become like him. Just match the image of the queen.

If you are just with an indecisive man, know that this will be the case all your life. There is no need to talk here, you just have to take everything into your own hands. Write an application to the registry office, buy him a suit, choose a vacation spot. Exaggerated, but honest.

Is it necessary to talk and work on relationships in all cases? There are times when you need to run without looking back. These are situations when a man is guided by selfish motives, if he is a typical womanizer or a neurotic person. Believe me, in these cases the chances of a serious relationship are zero.

A man is afraid of loneliness

Intellectually, such a man understands that the relationship is going well and requires serious development, but he is afraid to make a decision. From the outside it may seem that a man simply does not need a woman, since he is not looking for constancy with her. But everything can be completely the opposite - he is possessed by the fear of loneliness. A man fears that the woman he loves will one day be disappointed in him, fall out of love, become interested in someone else, and leave him. And to avoid this pain, he does not treat the woman seriously. Being abandoned and being abandoned are two different things for a vulnerable psyche.

What to do?

In most cases, these neurotic relationships have no future. A man can only be helped by a specialist who can cure his phobias coming from childhood or from a failed past relationship. If he doesn't understand this, he won't be able to build a healthy relationship. Do you need life with a person who, fearing loneliness, dooms you to it too?

Don't delay: better now than later

The ideal moment for a breakup will not come, so don’t get your hopes up. There is never a right time for anything in life. If everything is really bad, the rule works: “The sooner, the better.”

Give your partner the opportunity to meet a person who will truly love him.

Just let's be honest: don't drag your feet. At stake are the chances of not becoming that “goat who spent years as a sailor but never got married.” So don't let us down.

Why men don't want serious relationships - psychology

In a situation where something happens between you, you may even periodically live in the same territory, but nothing goes further, you need to figure out not why a man does not want a relationship with a woman, but why he is avoiding a serious turn in it. Usually this is a justifiably invented and replicated image of family life and examples of friends who constantly complain. It is impossible to develop serious desires with a girl who does not take him seriously (disrespectful behavior or the desire to please all men, without giving priority to your own). In second place in popularity is female coldness, manifested in the lack of expression of love for a man (only consent to sex and no initiative), measured expression of feelings (giving affection only for actions the woman likes), and a negative attitude towards motherhood. With such a set of emotional prerequisites, there is no prospect of building a relationship, since he sees in advance that he will not receive enough warmth and support there, and family life will become a second front of work.

Noticing an iron character in your companion or a desire to completely subjugate a man’s will, there is a desire to isolate yourself and find someone softer. In addition, many women so directly strive to get married, ignoring men's needs and psychology, that a man becomes a piece of furniture.

But there are also more mundane reasons for refusing serious decisions - these are material and everyday ones. If a man is responsible, then before starting a family, the man will try to achieve a stable and high level of income. The shame of having nowhere to take the bride can overwhelm all desires to be together, and not every person can afford to live in the same area with their parents purely psychologically. So, a man puts the purchase of an apartment and career advancement, earning capital and developing himself as a specialist in the first place in his implementation. If the woman nearby is capable of wisely appreciating that all these efforts are being made to ensure their future, then she will wait for the cherished invitation to the wedding. Those who will be offended and complain about the lack of attention and quick steps towards change are unlikely to be able to understand all the true concerns of a man about providing for his family. But if your man has already received an education, has established himself as a specialist, has a permanent job and housing, but tells you that finances are needed to move to a better area or you will formalize the relationship after his promotion, it is worth raising the question openly and seriously, because otherwise such delays can drag on for decades.

How to spice up your relationship

Revitalizing a relationship is a great job. It should be carried out only if love really reigns between people. Therefore, recognize in time what it is: fear of entering into a serious relationship or reluctance? If a man avoids spending time with you, has become cold in bed, gets angry, argues and argues for no reason, has become secretive, then, alas, you are dealing with indifference. Then it will be a completely different story.

If the relationship is simply frozen in place, be patient. Patience is the most basic quality that you will need now. You must become wise, which means patient, pliable, sexy, sincere, forgiving, faithful and stable.

The first thing you need to understand is that it is impossible to change an adult man. You can adjust his attitude towards something, but nothing more. Therefore, no reproaches - it hurts his self-esteem. Praise, admire, support. Let him understand that he needs you. You are a ray of light, without which it is still dark for him.

Become emotionally independent of him. You will be sorry, hug, praise, but excuse me, you have to get up early tomorrow and it’s time for you to sleep. How can you do this to him, the center of your universe? Well, that's it, you are a planet on your own. Then the man will want to get closer to you to prevent you from slipping away.

Agree with him more often. Smile playfully and agree. This will introduce a healthy note of interest and puzzlement. Just let it be in adequate situations, otherwise a violent scandal is inevitable.

And of course, always surprise him. Be unpredictable in a positive way: in sex, behavior, reactions, words, gestures. Let him want to get to know you. Being interested in you is the final step towards a serious relationship.

Lady takes matters into her own hands

When a family drama unfolds according to a similar scenario, the wife must decide what to do next. The presence of children, shared living space and other property “acquired by back-breaking labor” should not frighten or stop us. The main thing in a situation, if a man does not love and does not let go, is to let him understand that his wife is not his property, like his children, and everything else must be divided by law. It’s not worth putting up with your husband’s antics in the hope that he will come to his senses and understand what an invaluable gift his wife gave him in the form of taking him back. This could go on forever and you will waste your life waiting for a miracle. In addition, men are designed in such a way that few of them voluntarily leave a good woman.

They look at life together, especially as they age, in a very practical way. If the housewife and clever woman are in the house, then the beautiful artist can be found on the side. This is usually called a vent.

Lack of personal space

One of the most common reasons for a breakup on a man’s initiative is a decrease in free time for his own hobbies. Women, when they are truly passionate about their partner, try to spend absolutely all their time with him. A man often just needs to be alone with his own thoughts. He must be able to comprehend everything that is happening, make certain decisions, while being confident that no one will disturb him.

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The simplest solution to the problem would be for a woman to find her own hobby. She should remember that she is the same person as her man. She has similar rights to her own time and personal space.

Why a man doesn’t want a relationship and won’t let go

It is emotionally difficult to be between tearing opposite impulses, and this type of relationship indicates a significant discord, perhaps they have even already ended, just for internal reasons the end has not been set. From a female perspective, when a man does not let go (a holding tendency) and says that he does not want a relationship (a dividing tendency) requires clarification, since such a situation does not allow a woman to continue to live fully. Try to immediately exclude the option of the presence of several women and your own participation in the casting or a role in reserve if someone refuses. Many women's attempts to understand the psychology and childhood traumas of men ultimately rested on the simple explanation of polygamy.

A common psychological reason is a man’s inability to make decisions or the habit of shifting responsibility. Having such personal characteristics, a man is not able to determine his desires and profitable directions of movement. If you sway a little in either direction, he will support any of your decisions. The choice is yours: stay and make all the important decisions on your own for the rest of your life, or take a closer look at men who understand what they want from their own lives and the women around them.

Perhaps the man simply took a wait-and-see attitude and will make the relationship official when you improve. If, when talking about the future, he says that you are not completely satisfied, listen carefully to the list of your shortcomings - it is their correction that he expects from you. Indeed, by improving your personality or appearance, you will earn a place next to him. Remember that transforming the personality of an adult is a task from the realm of science fiction, unless you expose him to extreme situations and dramatic changes in environment. It takes titanic efforts to even eradicate one habit, so perhaps it makes sense to wait for someone who will accept you without artificial straightening. But it happens that a man does not know what does not suit him, fearing to make a mistake. This is a misunderstanding of female psychology or the inability to figure out whether this is his woman or not; many try to distinguish the truth from the pretense (for example, many have read that women manipulate tears, and tense up every time a woman cries). An honest, open conversation can help here, where the man will have space to clarify any confusion; the woman only needs to answer in as much detail as possible.

Men are afraid of loneliness, and if you previously had a relationship, but now it has faded, and the man does not disappear, then this is fear, and not the remnants of past feelings that can be reanimated. And if in the previous options you could choose between staying or leaving, then in the case when a man’s behavior is driven by a neurotic fear of loneliness, and everything between you has already died out, there is only one option - to leave

Moreover, leave as quickly and gently as possible, not allowing this model of relationship to take hold and protecting yourself from the hysteria of the abandoned person (switch his attention in advance to someone you don’t feel sorry for). A man’s unstable attitude towards a woman is reflected when her positive aspects can attract, and the negative ones can repel with the same force, and he himself does not understand what outweighs

A woman can correct this by talking, finding out that she can easily correct some negative traits or, on the contrary, will never change such things.

How to stop being a convenient option?

Make independent decisions, learn to listen and hear your desires? How to become an adult who knows what he wants? How to become the author of what happens in your life and in your relationships, without turning into a man or a little pony who carries everything on her shoulders?

You need to develop feminine qualities in yourself in such a way that a man sees in you a woman who deserves more than an incomprehensible relationship. And I invite you to a free online course “Man: honest instructions for use. No drama or manipulation.” As part of the course, we examine topics such as rebooting unclear relationships, ways to attract worthy men, working on mistakes and revealing femininity. However, you will find out everything yourself. Follow the link and register. An unforgettable 5 evenings await you that will definitely change your life!

If a man doesn't want to break up. If a man wants to break up

How can you determine that she wants to break up with you before she utters this sacramental phrase and proudly leaves in an unknown direction?

Statistics say that in 80% of cases, the initiators of your breakup are women, not the stronger sex. Don’t think that your couple has no reason to break up. According to a study on the nature of quarrels, it was found that the average couple quarrels 312 times a year, and this works out almost every day and for at least 10 minutes! You, of course, have already forgotten all the quarrels, and she?

She will not warn you in advance that on Friday the 13th she will pack her things and leave you in splendid isolation.

If a man wants to break up with you. First signs

For some time now, a strange chill has crept into your relationship. Is it a habit, resentment, fatigue or something even more serious? You can find out whether there is a reason for panic by comparing the behavior of your loved one with ordinary male behavior during the period of separation. So, how can you tell if a man wants to break up?

Remember how much time you spent together before. All the hours and days you had free from work, you were inseparable.

You are walking down the street with your boyfriend, and he shamelessly stares at other girls... Agree that the situation is stalemate. Unless he wants to light a fire of jealousy in you, then this is a serious signal to think: is it time to run away from him? No matter how much you love him, no matter how much it hurts you, leave him first, because such an ending to the story, alas, is not far off.

A breakup never happens suddenly, just like that, without reason. You won’t believe it, but there are a lot of different smart and in-depth studies on how long it takes for people to take this last step. And if you think your boyfriend is up to no good, quickly read our 10 signs. If you count more than 6, talk to him about it.

Honesty and openness are the basis of any relationship. You must be honest with each other.

How to break up with a man if living with him is unbearable...

After living with my husband for several years in marriage, I realized with horror that the man I once loved was a despot. No, he didn’t raise a hand against me, but there were endless reproaches against me, rudeness, and talk about my worthlessness. did their job. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to break up with the man. whom I loved for many years. My friends didn’t understand me, because “in public” we were an ideal couple, but at home... my life was turning into hell.

A strong and long-term relationship is the cherished dream of every girl. Many of us, when in a relationship, are sure that their dream has already come true. But is this really so? You are happy and in love, your friends and work colleagues envy you, life seems like a fairy tale in reality. But then one fine day, your young man informs you that love has passed, as they say, the tomatoes have wilted, he quickly puts his things in a suitcase and sets off in an unknown direction, finally casting a sad glance in your direction.

It very rarely happens that a man himself directly tells you about breaking up, except for those cases when you had a truly long and serious relationship. In other cases, you will need to guess whether it is true or not.

The first thing a man does, or rather doesn’t do, when he wants to break up is he stops calling and writing. But don’t immediately sound the alarm if it lasts only 2-3 days (perhaps he really had objective reasons for this), but if it continues longer, it’s worth thinking about.

A strong and long-term relationship is the dream of every girl. Many of us, when dating young people, are sure that their dream has come true and they have found an ideal permanent partner. However, after some time, the lover reports that he wants to end the relationship. Your boyfriend wants to break up - what to do?

That's when you fall into complete despair and cannot understand the reasons.

Why don't men know how to break up? A man's behavior after a breakup

There is probably no person in whose life there has not been at least one separation, when one of two close (until recently) people, with or without reason, suddenly or quite deliberately stopped meeting, communicating, or living together. The most common situation.

Differences in Goals

As cynical as it may sound, love is not all that is required to maintain a stable relationship. It is very important that this wonderful feeling is also combined with the same aspirations on the part of the partners.

For women, relationships are often central to their lives. Their constant development is goal No. 1. Men often have a much more practical view of life's issues. This is largely due to the fact that today, in most cases, it is the man who is entrusted with the responsibilities of providing financial support for the family.

In this situation, it is very important for both partners to coordinate their goals. Often in order to develop joint tasks. This will avoid understatement and perhaps even preserve relationships between people with very different goals.

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Collector on a daily hunt

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We will not understand the reasons for polygamous male behavior. Let’s just accept it as a fact: there are men who are not satisfied with the monogamous model of relationships. No matter how perfect you are, no matter how delicious the borscht you cook and no matter how first-class you behave in society, time will never be enough for you. You alone are not enough. After all, there are so many different, different women around! The collector's appetite is unlikely to ever be satisfied, and even if one is found, it will soon be replaced by the next one.

Should you agree to a relationship without commitment?

Many women mistakenly believe that a no-strings-attached relationship will eventually develop into a strong relationship. This is a fatal misconception. Even if a man wants to start a family over time, he is unlikely to marry a woman who has allowed an open relationship.

How harmless is a relationship without commitment? What will they bring to a woman? Relationships without commitment are a rather strange, but common phenomenon. They are most often resorted to by those who have already been married, are disappointed and strive for independence. In this case, the couple simply meets sometimes, spends time together, and has sex. At the same time, everyone remains free.

This type of relationship is considered pathological. They have no future. This is alien to human nature. After all, our task is to create a strong family, to continue the family line. A woman can simply waste several years of her life wasting time. As a result, loneliness awaits her.

Why do some couples choose this? There are several reasons:

support sex life;
switch after breaking up a previous relationship;
just to avoid loneliness.

The reasons seem to be quite rational. But on the other hand, it is immoral, immoral. If a woman in such a relationship does become pregnant, she will have to resort to an abortion or raise the baby alone.

Loss of self

This reason for ending a relationship on the initiative of a man is very common. It would seem very romantic to do absolutely everything together. At the same time, a man is not always ready to quickly exchange his “I” for a common “we”.

Representatives of the stronger half of humanity fear the loss of their own personality almost more than anything else.

I love someone else, but I can’t leave my husband: what should I do?

How to choose one?

How to choose between husband and lover?

Be that as it may, if there is a choice between a lover and a husband, then this is a very difficult situation. What to do? How to decide?

Even if your husband has not yet found out about the existence of your lover, understand that this cannot continue for long. Sooner or later, either your spouse will find out about everything, or your lover will get tired of his status and he will put you before a choice.
Approach this situation rationally. Just because a man is a good lover, this does not mean that he will be a good partner for you in a long-term and serious relationship. Now you are especially attracted to mystery and passion, but this will pass and what will you be left with? Are you ready to start a new family with this man?
Analyze why you started an affair in the first place. Are you tired of routine and everyday life? And did your lover help add fresh sensations to your life? Besides this, does he attract you in any way? Perhaps you will understand that it is worth working on your relationship with your husband, refreshing it, and not looking for new emotions on the side.
Analyze your relationship with your husband. How do you feel about him now? Do you truly love him or is it just a habit? Maybe the feelings have long passed, but you are afraid to break off the relationship? Talk to him about this, together you will understand whether you can work on the relationship or whether it is better to get a divorce.
It is impossible to love two people at once. Therefore, honestly answer yourself the question: which of these two men do you really have real and sincere feelings for? Let your heart choose.

Is it possible to combine?

Husband and lover - how to combine?

How to combine husband and lover? How to hide intrigue on the side?

Try to do everything carefully so that your husband does not begin to suspect you. Therefore, if he asks why you came home so late, come up with a plausible and non-trivial reason in advance. Do not say “I was late at work” or “I went to visit a friend” - this may arouse suspicion. And it's easy to check.
Be natural. Don't suddenly start giving gifts if you haven't done so before. There is also no need to engage in sycophancy. A sudden change in behavior may alert a spouse.
Meet your lover during the daytime. Your absence from the marital bed will definitely raise questions in your husband.
Do not appear with your lover in crowded places. Your husband's friends or acquaintances may see you. Therefore, going to restaurants or the theater is clearly not for you. Rent a hotel room or meet in an apartment that no one knows about. Just enter and exit the entrance or hotel separately - no one should see you together.
Make sure you don't have any of your lover's things. If he forgets your jacket or, for example, an umbrella, then your husband will definitely be interested in who it belongs to and how you got it.
Study your spouse's schedule. What time does he work, what days does he go to the gym, and when does he visit his parents? The better you know his schedule, the less likely you are to get caught.
Don't bring a lover into your home. Under no circumstances. Even if the husband left for a week and definitely will not return ahead of time. Don't take that risk!
Do not write down your lover’s number in a notebook, do not leave his things or photographs as souvenirs. How will you then explain this to your husband if he accidentally finds it?
It is best if your intrigue on the side does not drag on for too long. Otherwise, you will become attached to this guy and then it will bring a lot of problems. Moreover, there is a high probability that your lover will want more, will begin to be jealous of you and demand you to make a choice.

I'm pregnant from my lover

It is also possible that an affair on the side will lead you to pregnancy. What to do?

Now you are scared, you may panic and take rash actions. Therefore, the first thing to do is calm down.
Now think carefully about the current situation. Do you want to keep the child? Who will you raise him with? Will you confess all this to your husband or lover?
It's time to decide. This is the moment when you really need to choose who you will continue your life with. But think carefully about this point. If a lover is good in bed, this does not mean that he will be a good husband and father.
Yes, you have already stepped on a slippery slope, deceiving your husband and hiding another man from him. But now is the time to be honest. If you decide to keep the child, then you need to tell your husband everything as it is. He has the right to know. Yes, it's hard. Yes, his reaction can be unpredictable. But don’t force him to raise someone else’s child as his own in ignorance.

Is it possible to love two? Clinical psychologist's opinion:

Conversation does not solve all problems

There are a number of differences between the psychology of men and women. One of them is a different approach to solving problems. Women, by discussing their difficulties, reduce their own stress levels. At the same time, they do not always seek practical help from their interlocutor. They just need to talk it out. If help is really needed, they will directly state this.

Men talk about their problems somewhat less often. At the same time, by doing this, they expect real actions from the interlocutor that will contribute to their solution. If the partner simply listens to him without doing anything to help him, then the man may well regard this as indifference to himself.

There are many problems that can lead to a breakup. To successfully resolve them, you should discuss them in a timely manner and come to a compromise, remembering that achieving excellent relationships is very difficult, but destroying them is easy.

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The relationship is not developing, I want to live together, but he doesn’t

Hello, Elena!

It seems that people sometimes really create their own vicious circle with their own hands, which they then walk around. Your situation, which you described, is very similar to walking in a circle, from which it would seem you have neither the strength nor the knowledge of how to do it.

In my opinion, your relationship has already reached its peak, so it needs to move to another level. Therefore, if you feel it, but he hasn’t yet, then there are two ways:

1) wait until it ripens;

2) do not wait, but act decisively.

With the first option, walking in a circle will continue and it is not a fact that the circle will break. Your loved one may never be ready for life together. Apparently, something scared him too much in his previous family life, and now he is afraid of it. But he apparently doesn’t want to do anything about his fear, or doesn’t know how. In any case, the first option is very risky. Some men are conservative by nature, and therefore, if he has already set a course to follow some path, it will be extremely difficult for him to turn around. There is also such a thing as the power of habit and your own comfort zone. Apparently, he is now more comfortable this way and he does not want to change anything about it because he subconsciously remembers a failed family life with a previous woman. And his subconscious tells him that if he just starts living with you, then the same thing will happen. If this is really the reason, then it is better to let him understand or seriously talk to him about the fact that in any case, it will not be the same as it was before. You are different, not like any of the women, which means that with you next to you everything will be different!!!

The second option does not mean that some kind of aggression or obsessive persistence is needed, as many understand by the word “determination.” This word means that once you have chosen a goal, follow it effectively, and not theoretically or hypothetically. This is a very important point. And, in any case, it is already brewing for you. It cannot be otherwise. Any promising relationship requires continuation and development!!! And you already feel that time is approaching another stage in your relationship. In practice, you need to choose a convenient moment and its mood, mood so that you can seriously discuss the status of your relationship. Tell him that it's time for both of you to move to another level in your relationship so it can grow. And that you are also afraid in some way of family relationships because you also have had it in life, but you do not want to hide from your future and do not want to preserve your love for it

After all, then love will have nowhere to grow! With this method, it is very important not to talk to your loved one with “YOU” messages. For example, DO NOT TELL him: “Don’t be afraid of family life with me” (I’m writing approximately as an example of a communication model), but it’s better to SAY this way: “I don’t think you should be afraid of continuing the relationship” or “It seems to me that It’s better to develop relationships rather than simplify them” and everything like that

Any “I” message, no matter what it is, always softens the situation and the perception of the interlocutor. Try to find this moment to talk to him.

And I sincerely wish you rapprochement and reunion!!! ;-)))

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