- August 13, 2019
- Psychology of relationships
- Maria Kravets
Men and women in relationships often face many different difficulties. And all because they don’t know what the other half really wants. It is important to be able not only to convey your desires to your loved one, but also to know what he wants. In an ideal relationship, all these nuances are discussed between partners, and then disagreements become much smaller. But are there many such couples? Most often, ladies have a question: “What does a man want from a woman?” And it’s not always possible to get an answer from the man himself.
Men don't say what they mean
Remember the Soviet two-part film “Vacation at your own expense”? It contains a wonderful phrase that can still be found in statuses, Internet memes and in signatures on forms:
When asked what you value most in a woman, any man will answer: “Of course, the soul!” And then he looks at her legs.
This is truly a life quote, which once again confirms the fact that men do not always say what they really think. You can understand what is in his head only by his actions and active actions.
If he is constantly busy and does not find time for you, there is no need to create illusions: he is not interested in you. A man's brain is designed completely differently than a woman's. Even if he is “drowning” in work and affairs, he will never forget to call and ask how you are doing, will take 10 minutes to drink coffee with you, will deliver flowers by courier and thereby remind you of himself.
It is also important to note that at different stages of a relationship, the answer to the question of what a man wants from a woman will be different.
He doesn't like you that much if he only wants to see you when he's drunk.
If he likes you, he will be eager to see you when his brain is not clouded by alcohol fumes. If your clown puts on a red nose every time it comes to intimacy, then this indicates that there are serious problems in your relationship.
The “But I like it when he’s drunk” excuse
If, sitting at a bar, he drunk says something like: “Baby, you’re so beautiful!” and at the same time hugs you a little tighter than he should, then it’s high time you learned something: you can’t believe everything a man says when he’s drunk. And listen to the ex-bad guy: “bad boys” are called bad because they have a lot of troubles, no self-esteem, and they have absolutely no faith in sincere love relationships, but very often they dress cool and drive cool cars. wheelbarrows. Is this really what you need?
The “At least he doesn’t drink the strongest drinks” excuse
Don't be fooled. A guy who doesn't collapse and pee his pants from drinking shouldn't get away with quietly turning his brain off in a different, easier way every time you're together. It's still intoxication, it's still a desire to avoid responsibility, and it's still not very good for you.
Remember:
- His words mean nothing if he said them while drunk. “I love you” or the like, said under the influence of any drink stronger than grape juice, has no force in court or in real life.
- Drinking alcohol and drugs is not the way to a person’s deepest feelings. Otherwise, people wouldn't break empty beer bottles over their heads and try to touch the flames of a fire to see if they would feel anything or not.
- If he wants to see you, communicate with you, have sex with you only when he is drunk, this is not love, this is sport.
- Bad guys aren't called bad for nothing.
- You deserve a man who doesn't have to pump himself up to spend time with you.
The first stage of relationships, instincts and the biological environment
By nature, men are conquerors. The prey they get with easy labor is not as tasty and appetizing as the one they had to hunt for all day. In relationships with ladies, men also want to be winners. And if they succeed too quickly, interest instantly disappears. Girls who don’t understand this unanimously repeat: “Men want sex, and women want love.” But in fact, the desires of both coincide in many respects, only the ways to achieve the goal differ.
Every man has his own “ideal woman” in his head. Which? On the one hand, she is a good housewife and mother, and on the other, a passionate and depraved lady. When a man likes a woman, he dreams of becoming closer to her, of mastering her completely.
It is the woman’s behavior at this stage that will determine the further development of events. If she immediately becomes his, interest will disappear, and with it the conqueror himself. Most men do not have the goal of getting laid and leaving. They, just like us, are looking for love, affection, understanding. But they talk and hint about sex a lot. It is this closeness that will be a kind of beacon for them: “that’s it, she’s mine.”
If this happens too quickly, in 90% of cases the man runs away headlong. And all because he doesn’t know what to do with it all. On the one hand, he has achieved the young lady’s favor, but on the other, he still knows his chosen one very poorly.
Does he want children?
It is unknown how far your relationship can go, so it is better to clarify such serious issues at the dating stage. If your views do not fundamentally coincide, perhaps you should not enter into a relationship.
For example, if you are a convinced childfree, and he says that he plans to have children in the near future. Of course, both his and your views may change, but if this does not happen, it will lead to disappointment and possible breakdown of the relationship if neither of you is willing to meet the other halfway.
Living together
I would like to think that when the first stage is successfully completed, all misunderstandings remain in the past and a strong and friendly family awaits the partners. But family life brings its own surprises. And in different couples, conflicts arise for different reasons. But the most important of them is misunderstanding each other. What does psychology say about this?
What does a man want from a woman? This seems incredibly difficult to understand. He may talk a lot, or may be completely silent, but his true intentions can be seen by his actions. In addition, many do not at all consider it necessary to constantly sing the praises of their passion and confess their love every minute. He brings money home, calls to ask how she is doing, scolds her when she goes outside in the cold without a hat - a lot of little things that mean that he has strong feelings and serious intentions. In the minds of many women, if a man doesn’t talk about his feelings, it means they don’t exist.
Misunderstandings manifest themselves in many other things, and if a lady has the question “what does a man want from a woman,” then there really are certain problems in the couple.
His attitude towards money
Money is a sensitive topic. Some people like to spend a lot, while others, on the contrary, save and multiply. It is often quite difficult to understand each other if you and your partner look at financial issues differently. It is worth talking about this topic before the relationship, so that there are no disagreements on the money issue.
Note that the attachment style in a relationship can influence how a person behaves with finances. You can learn more about this from this material.
Why should I?
And this is another important question that often arises in women’s minds. At first the thought comes that it’s time to change something in the relationship. The young lady begins to study a mountain of literature and comes across simple advice. She must:
- be in love;
- respect;
- understand;
- take care.
Then a logical question arises: why exactly is she obliged to do this? In fact, there are reasons for this.
If you want to save your union and live in happiness and harmony, you need to start with changes. And since forcibly changing another person, and especially a man, is a difficult task, the easiest way is to start with yourself. It’s good when each partner thinks: “What else good can I do for my loved one?” To do this, you need to completely reconsider the problems with your man and try to change everything. And if you are already wondering what a man wants from a woman, then you understand this.
How much personal space does he need?
Boundaries in relationships are necessary - we all need the opportunity to be alone with ourselves, and also have personal things that no one should touch.
Some people, entering into a relationship, suddenly begin to demand passwords from their partners’ social network pages or check their phones, bags and pockets. And not every potential partner will like such strong control.
To find out how much freedom a guy needs and how much he will limit you in it, it is better to talk about it in advance.
Psychology of men
Representatives of the stronger sex are very proud that they were born this way. They are courageous, strong, responsible. And they definitely demonstrate this to their ladies, if they allow it, of course. But in most cases, conflicts begin precisely when a woman begins to suppress these qualities. And this happens unnoticed for the lady, but painful for the man.
For example, he decided to nail a new shelf in the wrong place. Many women immediately react to the situation very aggressively. Most often with a scream or even a scandal. When the situation repeats itself over and over again, the man stops doing anything altogether. In any case, your partner needs to be supported in all endeavors. Any situation can be turned in the other direction. Even if you don't like the idea, you can change it a little without hurting the person's feelings.
Men love to give gifts, flowers, and invite them to a restaurant. They experience incredible pleasure from this. Thus, they show their financial solvency and interest in the lady. This is inherent in their nature, and this is exactly what men want from women in relationships. But ladies often refuse this, especially when their love has been going on for more than a year. Often a woman herself persuades her husband to have dinner at home, rather than in a restaurant. It is logical that there are reasons for this:
- small children who have no one to leave with;
- financial difficulties;
- depression and apathy.
But you should understand that by refusing, you yourself are pushing your husband to find a woman who will happily accept courtship. You shouldn't give this chance to someone else. A man should feel admired. And for this he is ready to make many sacrifices. You just need to push him towards this a little. And you need to start not with requests and insults, but with admiration. The more you appreciate your boyfriend, the harder he will try.
Inertia as a consequence of depression
Sometimes it happens that the inertia of one of the partners is a consequence of some life event. For example, a hard dismissal or a big failure at work, betrayal by a colleague. Your husband worked, he worked, he was successful - and then all of a sudden it went wrong. You support as best you can, but time passes and nothing changes.
If this is your case, then perhaps your partner is faced with psychological trauma and cannot get out of it without help. To understand how psychological trauma works, I recommend Peter Levine’s books - they’re easy to Google. Levin also has a program for independent work. Read it yourself and tell your partner. Recommend that he seek psychological help. The injury rarely goes away on its own. The condition may worsen.
On my website there are other publications on similar topics - perhaps they will be useful to you: “I’m tired of my husband’s depression” (about depression and how to help), “How to stop feeling pain” (about grief and how to help).
If your partner is having a midlife crisis and, against this backdrop, he goes into downshifting and completely reconsiders his life goals - then this is most likely also a task of acceptance, of finding compromises, of renegotiating your unspoken marriage contract. It can be unpleasant - generally unpleasant that people suddenly change - but it is an inevitable part of our lives.
Inviolable territory
Here is another reason why spouses quarrel so often. A man expects a woman not to infringe on his freedom. And this doesn't just apply to hanging out with friends. When a girl chooses what a man will wear, what he will eat and how much he will drink, this is all an invasion of personal space. Especially if she uses hysteria and scandal for these purposes.
You don't want a man to get drunk at a party tonight? Then promise him something that he will think about all evening. Don't you like his sweater? Hide it one fine morning. And when a man has to wear something different, be sure to admire him. Say that in this he is so sexy and desirable for you that you lose your head. You might even be late for work for this. The main thing is for the man to see that you are really delighted with his appearance. The next morning, the “awful sweater” can be returned to its place. We bet he won't even remember about him?
Love at a distance
Love at a distance is just an illusion of a relationship, since in essence the woman is alone. There is no strong shoulder next to her, no protector, she only regularly sees his photo on the screen and expects that someday they will be together.
It’s one thing if you already live together and the man leaves for work (study, personal matters) for several months. And it’s completely different if you are “in standby mode.”
Now imagine what he is doing at these moments? That's right, he continues to live his life and perhaps even with a very real woman. And you are just his energy supply. He makes promises to you, says beautiful words, but when it comes to actions, he backs away.
- Sometimes you receive flowers and gifts from him, perceive them as a miracle and an illusion of a normal relationship.
- He is present in your life sporadically and does not perform the functions assigned to a man by nature itself.
If you consciously enter into such a relationship, you are agreeing to less than you deserve. Perhaps your fear of loneliness and self-doubt speaks to you? But, girls, while you are attached to a virtual image, you lose the chance to find happiness with a real man.
Work and free time
Women like to complain about two things:
- He earns little.
- He doesn't spend much time with me.
And such complaints usually sound almost simultaneously. That is, on the one hand, the young lady dreams of living a prosperous life, and on the other, so that her beloved will always be nearby. But this is practically impossible. All successful men work like oxen. Such dedication to work will certainly be generously rewarded.
A man wants to find a woman who will support and understand him. He needs a reliable rear, but he didn’t drink. Let him feel that his efforts are not in vain. But proper organization of rest is a woman’s task.
What he won't compromise on
We all have things we don't want to compromise on or agree to.
For example, you know that you will not forgive your partner for cheating. It's worth making sure that you both agree with each other on such issues. You need to recognize such “stumbling blocks” before the rapid development of a relationship in order to understand how much you can put up with them, and what you are not at all ready to agree with.
A little about appearance
When it becomes clear what a man expects from a woman in a relationship, questions inevitably arise that relate to the lady’s appearance. An intelligent and well-mannered guy will never make comments about excess weight, greasy hair and a dirty robe. However, this does not mean at all that he is satisfied with everything.
Yes, a woman has periods (especially after the birth of a baby) when it is incredibly difficult to find at least a couple of minutes for herself. But when this drags on for many years, a man ceases to see a woman as a sexual goddess, in front of him is just a housekeeper. That's the same attitude towards her.
How does he deal with difficult situations?
It is important to know what problem-solving skills your potential boyfriend has, how he usually acts in difficult situations, because being in a relationship, you may also encounter some of them even in the first months of the relationship.
Couples usually go through all sorts of difficult situations together, and initially it is necessary to go through a series of discussions and compromises in order to come to a common opinion on a particular issue. If your potential partner is quick-tempered and immediately begins to get angry, even over small things, if it is difficult for him to communicate during a conflict, you should think about how suitable this is for you.
Qualities you need to have
Do you think that a man expects something from a woman? But in fact it's the other way around. Actions and active actions are his prerogative. And if you are already pulling this burden yourself, be prepared that sooner or later you will also play the role of a man. The attitude towards a woman depends entirely on her behavior.
If she is fragile and defenseless, a strong man will be nearby. And if this is a vixen who sweeps away everything in her path, it is possible that sooner or later the loved one will turn into a lack of initiative and inertia.
The main function of a woman in a relationship is to give love and beauty, to provide comfort, peace and tranquility in the home. For a man, a home is an oasis, an island where you can relax from all your problems. If you value relationships, immediately let go of all grievances and build a new - strong and happy - family.
How does he spend his free time?
To build a strong relationship, most of our views on life must coincide. Opposites may attract, but it is quite difficult for them to get along together, and the success of such relationships depends only on the joint work of the partners.
Find out from the guy how he spends his free time and see how close it is to you. Agree, it’s difficult to feel comfortable in a relationship where one wants to constantly go somewhere and learn new things, and the other prefers to spend time on the couch in the company of a TV or smartphone. Before entering into a relationship, you need to learn about “common ground” or create them in order to avoid conflicts in the future.
Is love and attraction at the same time real?
“I love and want the man I love, and he loves and wants me!” - the ideal that most girls strive for. But there are often cases when men experience sexual desire for some women, and love for others. When you meet a new partner and are increasingly thinking “I want to tell my man that I love him!”, first make sure you are serious with the help of the tips above.
Do you want to better understand yourself and male psychology? Try taking the online course “Secrets of Women’s Happiness.” The lessons are structured so that each participant reveals her strengths and weaknesses in communicating with the opposite sex, strengthens her femininity, and learns to choose worthy gentlemen.
Tell me, have you ever doubted the sincerity of your boyfriend’s feelings? How did you verify his intentions?
How can you help yourself?
Consult a psychologist. Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out the problem on your own and set priorities, sometimes it’s simply scary to do it alone. A professional will help you put things in order in your head.
Seek family counseling. Go to a psychologist with your husband and talk through your difficulties. If you are tired, afraid of scandals, and you no longer have the strength to cope, this is a good option. How a psychologist helps couples, I described in this article.
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