Many parents face problems raising a teenager. They ask themselves: “Where did the charming, sweet child go? How could he change so much? And closer to graduation at school, the child becomes completely uncontrollable. Parents should remember that this is a common problem for many families. One way or another, this period must be overcome and try to improve relations with your son or daughter. Let's try to understand this issue and understand how to find a common language with a teenager.
A difficult age
There are parents who are afraid of their children's adolescence.
What if they get out of control, start smoking and drinking alcohol, call themselves “hipsters,” or start running away from home? It's actually not that scary. It’s not for nothing that adolescence is called the “spring of life.” And for most children, the sweet time begins. At this moment, you need to learn to control the situation, support the child and not spoil the happy moments of your youth. To cope with this, you need to plunge into another world - into the world of a child - and understand what changes occur at such a young age.
What could be the consequences?
Teenagers who did not get help when they needed it may experience a lot of problems in adulthood:
- frequent emotional breakdowns;
- neuroses;
- psychological disorders;
- isolation, closedness;
- suicidal tendencies;
- craving for illicit drugs.
Parents should do everything possible to ensure that their child survives the teenage crisis with minimal losses. It will be much easier to overcome moments of crisis if parents adhere to proper upbringing from early childhood. By the age of 13-14, the child will know the basic rules, learn to adhere to them and develop communication skills. Emotional outbursts, unfortunately, cannot be avoided, but they will pass much easier if you set clear rules in advance and build friendly relationships with your children.
Read on topic: How to survive self-isolation with teenagers
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Another world
Surely many parents began to notice that the child began to speak a different language, dress strangely, be rude, provoke scandals, ruin his hair, listen to wild music and attract attention to himself. Communication between teenagers and parents is fading. They don’t understand each other, because fathers and sons are different generations who have their own values, worldview, vocabulary, aesthetics, and so on. Naturally, the unknown is scary, especially if it concerns your own child. And in order to understand the mysterious world of a teenager, first of all you need to listen to him, understand and accept him. Parents are ready for dialogue, but children are in no hurry to share their most intimate...
What to do if a teenage child does not want to communicate with his mother?
In adolescence, the desire to spend time not with mom, but alone with oneself or with one’s peers is the norm. Psychologists are more likely to be alarmed by the opposite situation, when a teenager of 14-16 years old spends a lot of time with his parents, constantly communicates and shares everything. I have received complaints from parents when a 15-year-old boy does not want to go out with his parents and go on vacation. So this is absolutely normal! Communication with mom may well be short-term, superficial, measured. It’s another matter if a son or daughter completely refuses to communicate with their mother. Most likely, the way his mother communicates with him or previously communicated with him is unacceptable to him. There is no need to influence the teenager in any way. It is the parents who need to reconsider their relationship with him.
What to do in such a situation?
Studying sciences such as developmental and developmental psychology, most experts have come to the conclusion that the path to a child lies through understanding. First, you need to accept the fact that he may have other interests, even if his parents do not approve of them. Remember yourself in your youth, what you wanted then, what you lacked... Having compared your desires and behavior in youth with the way your child behaves, you need to establish new rules in your home: let your son or daughter listen to the music they like, wear whatever they want, use slang without using profanity, and you All that remains is to understand and accept it.
The more kindly the parents treat the teenager, the faster he will open up and let him into his inner world. Let’s imagine this situation: a child has gone abroad. He fell out of our reality and began to speak a different language. After he arrives home, you will have to find a common language with him.
Stay on the teenager's side
Conflicts with peers and teachers inevitably happen in the life of every child. Parents face a difficult task: in any situation, listen to the teenager, if possible, in private and make a decision together. Teenagers find themselves in various unpleasant situations. They may be ashamed and scared to talk about what happened, so caring parents guarantee their child acceptance and help.
Trusting a child, knowing that he will make mistakes and disobey many times, is difficult, but necessary. Search, independent actions, mistakes, losses are part of growing up. If you see your teen ready to make a serious mistake, discuss your concerns with him, make sure he understands the cost of a bad decision, and tell him you will always be there for him. Quitting a sports team, going to college after 9th grade, getting a tattoo - these decisions may seem unwise, but they can be important for a child.
What not to do
At this age, modern teenagers begin to experiment with cigarettes and alcohol and fall into bad company. This behavior terrifies parents. In addition to alcohol, drugs and cigarettes, there are several other vices that can afflict a teenager: Internet addiction, extreme hobbies and unprotected sex. And here the worst thing begins: the more parents prohibit, swear and punish, the more actively the child is drawn into his own world - into the world of non-childish hobbies. And no matter how hard parents try, communication with teenagers leads nowhere.
Psychology as a science says that such experiments have one feature. Indeed, in this way, children learn about the world without understanding where the boundaries of what is permitted end. If the conversation is about bad company or games with death, then the bells should ring, the child is lost in the real world.
If a teenager has “gone” into computer games, this indicates that he is replacing his prosaic days with fantasies. Drugs are used by children who want to numb the pain. Teenagers who feel like strangers at home get involved with bad companies.
Of course, there is no such recipe that could insure a teenager from the dangers on his way to growing up. But sometimes parents themselves aggravate the situation: an unhealthy atmosphere in the family, scandals, shouting, swearing, a negative example from elders - all this pushes the child into the abyss.
School
The child does not want to study and skips school. As a result, academic performance dropped. How to regain interest in studying?
Understand the reason for the current situation: do not shout, do not blame, do not shake the diary in your face and do not call the child stupid.
“There can be several reasons for refusing to study. For example, stress from communicating with classmates or teachers - a child may be bullied at school. Reluctance to learn can also be dictated by low self-esteem: a teenager thinks that he always looks like a loser compared to his peers, and sees no point in trying. Or perhaps you put too much pressure and overly control the learning process: you demand only high grades, arrange interrogations and “exams” - this causes resistance. Also among the reasons for academic failure are an unhealthy situation in your family, friendship with “bad company,” difficulties in understanding the material being taught, and simply fatigue,” explains Marina Nozdrova, a teacher of the highest category and winner of the Russian Presidential Prize.
The easiest way to restore interest in learning is if a child skips school because he has fallen behind his classmates. There's nothing wrong with that - everyone has their own abilities. Explain to the child that he has nothing to be ashamed of, discuss the situation with teachers and try to work with the teenager at home. You can connect a tutor - probably the child has not mastered just one topic, without which it is difficult to understand the new material.
You can also solve the problem of hypercontrol yourself. Loosen your grip: grades in school are just grades. Let your child relax; he doesn’t have to live up to your expectations endlessly. Other reasons for academic failure may require consultation with a specialist.
The teenager stopped talking about how he was doing at school. He answers “everything is fine.” I ask questions - he gets angry. Why?
“Perhaps the child is simply tired of your control. With his silence, he wins the right to personal space. If a teenager categorically refuses to talk to you about school and it seems to you that there are negative reasons for this, contact the class teacher and ask him. If your fears are justified, try to calmly discuss the problem with your child and offer your support,” recommends Marina Nozdrova.
Your task, as in the case of academic failure, is to find out the reasons why the child does not want to share the news. If he becomes isolated only when discussing school, this could be a warning sign.
My child is being bullied at school. What to do?
If your child is bullied at school, it is not his fault. Children bully their peers simply because they can. The reason can be any: hair color, height, weight, clothing, hobby. Your child's personality or appearance is just an excuse for bullying. Its real reason is the desire of the aggressor to become a leader.
A child who is the target of bullying may develop complexes, phobias and even mental disorders. Therefore, it is advisable to seek help from a specialist.
“Your task is to explain to the child that everything is fine with him, he did nothing to deserve insults, humiliation or beatings. Show that you are always on his side and will go with him to the end. Do not ask your child to endure bullying, teach him to respect himself. New achievements will help strengthen a teenager’s self-confidence. Therefore, find options for self-affirmation, focusing on his interests and abilities: send him to a music school or sports section. Also try to raise your child’s self-esteem, inspire him to believe in himself,” advises Marina Nozdrova.
To stop bullying forever, you need to work with the entire team. If you see that the class teacher and school psychologist lack the qualifications, experience or desire to do this, contact the school principal. If it doesn’t help, contact the local education department. You can also write a statement to the police if your child is physically suffering from bullying - before this, you need to record the beatings in the emergency room. Proving emotional abuse will be nearly impossible.
What should I do if my child bullies others?
Typically, bullies can be divided into two opposing types. The first is the popular students, the so-called kings and queens with their retinue. The second is antisocial children who are trying to take the throne.
“If your child bullies others, you need to look for the cause of the aggression. You should understand your behavior and comprehend family relationships, since most often the cause of aggression lies precisely in the parents. This should not offend you - do not put any labels on yourself or your teenager. If he bullies other kids, it doesn't mean you are a bad parent and he will end up in jail. Be calm and reasonable, seek help from a specialist with the whole family,” recommends Marina Nozdrova.
It also happens that a child behaves overly aggressively in response to bullying - this is his way of protecting himself. Perhaps he simply doesn’t know any other way.
For example, in the series “Contact” from the PREMIER video service, the teenage main character Yulia (Irina Pautova) cut off her classmate Sveta’s braid right in class and hit her neck with the blade because of an insulting note. There could be another way to defend your dignity. But Yulia could not contain the accumulated aggression, the cause of which was pain and loneliness.
Her parents separated, her mother flew to Berlin, and her father - former opera Gleb Barnashov (Pavel Maykov) - began to wash down the divorce with alcohol. Because of this, he was fired from the homicide department. And although Barnashov now works as a juvenile affairs inspector, he absolutely does not understand children and does not know how to communicate with them. Including my own daughter.
Yulia found herself alone against a hostile environment: public, virtual and even urban. Her unsightly actions are due only to the desire to protect herself, and by and large, the responsibility for them lies with the adults who abandoned her without lending a helping hand. It is important to remember that a teenager’s aggressive behavior is most often a symptom of his troubles.
Directions to move in
Today's teenagers need help. In order to protect your child from dangerous situations, you need to act in three directions.
First of all, arm him with the necessary information. Some psychologists advise taking your child to an oncology center where there are patients who at one time became interested in cigarettes. Show him a drug treatment center and tell him about the consequences of drug abuse. Today, many modern teenage magazines publish information about how bad habits and dangerous experiments affect a child’s life and what this leads to.
If you don't know how to get along with your teenager, you should go in a different direction. Create the most trusting atmosphere in your home, treat your child with love and respect. Forget about aggression towards anyone. It is necessary to create such an atmosphere so that he does not want to run away from home. Advice to parents: do not smoke or drink alcohol in the presence of your child - he may take an example from you, and conversations that smoking is dangerous to health will be in vain. Children copy the behavior of their parents, so you need to become a shining example for your child. Control your emotions, know how to listen, and most importantly, understand. Live his life together, and then he will not want to run away from home.
The third direction is a firm ban on dangerous games. If a teenager violates it, then the violation must be punished. The peculiarity of communicating with teenagers lies in the sequence of actions; you cannot let go of the situation. For example, you caught a child with a cigarette, the punishment should not be aggressive or emotional, forbid him to go out for a week and do not break your word.
Love
The teenager has a loved one. How can we get him to introduce us?
Do not insist on meeting your child's chosen one. It will be better if he himself wants to introduce his loved one to you.
Don't put your teenager in an awkward position by telling family and friends about his crush. Don’t devalue his experiences, don’t trivialize his feelings with phrases like “the main thing is, don’t bring me a grandson,” be tactful and don’t play detective, looking for nudes in your child’s phone and condoms in his pockets.
If a teenager decides to introduce you to a partner, do not interrogate him. Be friendly and welcoming. Do not forbid lovers to meet at your place, but stipulate the conditions. For example, no overnight stays. When lovers are at home, do not impose your presence. Knock before entering a room and don't offer tea every 15 minutes.
A teenager suffers from unrequited love or a breakup. How to support him without devaluing his feelings?
From your experience, it may seem that the teenager is worrying in vain. But look at the situation through his eyes: he has now lost the love of his life. Support the child as you would an adult in a similar situation. You can bring something tasty and favorite to his room.
“You shouldn’t encourage a teenager with phrases like “How many more of them will you have!”, “Trust me, after some time you will understand that he/she is not worthy of you,” “In a year you will remember this situation with a smile.” “, “This happened to me too, more than once,” “You need to switch.” This is not support - this is devaluation of his feelings.
It’s better to say: “I sympathize with your loss,” “I sympathize with your disappointment,” “I want to be with you in this situation, tell me, can I do something for you now?”, “You can contact me whenever you want, I “nearby,” “Tell me how you feel, it’s important for me to understand you,” says Georgy Golyshev.
How to talk to a teenager about sex?
A conversation about sex should not violate a child’s personal boundaries; it is important to start with the teenager’s full consent. The hero of the series “Contact” Gleb Barnashov ignored this rule and tried to force his daughter Yulia to talk about intimate relationships with her boyfriend. But the girl is not close enough to her father, she is not ready to discuss this topic with him. Yulia stated that she would decide for herself when and with whom she would have sex, and asked not to interfere in her personal life.
It didn’t work out constructively, because Gleb Barnashov is a toxic parent in every way. It is important for parents to analyze the behavior of such heroes, because from their example everyone can understand exactly how not to communicate with a child. Pavel Maikov portrayed his rude boomer father so convincingly that after filming the pilot, the scriptwriters wrote lines specifically for him. True, it is better not to use them, like the movie hero’s approaches to education, in real life - Barnashov puts a lot of pressure on children and does not respect their boundaries. Even in such a matter as talking about sex.
And you need to be especially delicate with it. Therefore, if your child, like Yulia, refuses to discuss sex with you directly, offer an alternative: a conversation with a qualified specialist or popular science literature. You can also find quality articles about sex and send them to your child for independent study. Agree to discuss them when he is ready.
If your child agrees to talk with you, state the reason for the conversation first. Typically, it's your concern—explain why you're worried. During the dialogue, talk about contraception and sexual health, challenge common stereotypes and focus on the principle of consent.
“It is necessary to remove the taboo from this topic. It is important to explain to a teenager that it is normal to have sex, but you need to be as psychologically and physically prepared for it as possible, because there are a large number of risks that a teenager must be aware of. During a conversation, call everything by its proper name: genitals, types of interaction with a partner. Show your child by example a reasonable and confident attitude towards sex,” recommends Alexandra Fedorchenko.
Sex. What is this?
According to statistics, most high school students lose their virginity at the age of 15. Sexual desire is dictated by nature, and this is normal. But for a fifteen-year-old child, especially girls, it is too early to have sex at this age. And one can understand parents who are afraid of child sexuality, unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
Fear pushes parents to make a series of mistakes. There is no need to tell a teenager that sex is a terrible sin. Sexual attraction will not go away, but the child will have a lot of complexes. The time will come when he will need to start a family, and with what attitude will he approach such an important decision?
Developmental psychology and age psychology regarding sex advise against moralizing. It is better to convey to the child as much information as possible, explain how dangerous unprotected sex is and what an unwanted pregnancy can lead to. At the same time, there is no need to meddle in his personal life.
Phases of the teenage crisis
The crisis of 13-14 years is one of the most serious and difficult stages in human development. Psychologists identify several main phases of a crisis:
- Pre-critical (negative), when a teenager begins to break stereotypes, he realizes that the rules that parents have built for many years can be broken.
- Climax. The peak, as a rule, occurs at the age of 13-14 years, but this line is very arbitrary, since the peak can occur at any age for any person.
- Postcritical. The teenager draws his own conclusions, builds new relationships, and forms his own rules.
Why are children rude?
The fact is that aggression lies dormant in every person. According to psychologists, such qualities as determination, the desire to assert oneself and the ability to defend one’s position contain aggressiveness. But it is worth noting that this quality sometimes helps a person survive. Therefore, aggressiveness carries both a positive and a negative charge. And the form of its manifestation depends on the situation, character and upbringing.
Often, parents themselves become the cause of their child’s rude behavior. If everyone in the family speaks in a raised voice and does not respect each other, then the child will grow up the same way. And how can parents demand a good, respectful attitude from a teenager if he doesn’t understand what it is, because he doesn’t know any other way?
Parents' mistakes
The main mistakes that parents make:
- lack of control;
- satisfaction of all needs;
- tough relationships;
- hypertrophied control;
- the desire to raise a child prodigy;
- emotional rejection.
In order for a child to grow up calm, obedient, that is, the way his parents want him to be, it is first necessary to give him freedom. “If you don’t touch the tree, it will grow straight.” The child has grown up, and it’s time to get used to this idea.
- Parental moralizing irritates the child the most. Communication with a teenager should take place on a positive wave. The child has his own views and opinions, and this must be taken into account.
- Compromise. By arguing with each other, no one will prove anything to anyone. Negative emotions will not lead to understanding.
- There is no need to reproach, offend a teenager or be sarcastic towards him.
- Be firm in your decisions and consistent. You cannot demand from a child what you yourself do not do.
This period is very difficult, and communication with a teenager can lead parents into a dead end. We must remember that this is youth, and the child is full of strength, he wants to love and be loved, conquer heights, do crazy things, he is interested in everything. It is at this age that he needs good friends, and it’s good if they are parents.
Family
The child does not communicate with me, does not leave his room for hours. How to return it?
The reasons for this behavior can be neutral (ordinary fatigue, a new hobby, watching an interesting TV series, communicating with a friend on social networks, concentrating on a task) or negative (lack of personal space, problems at school or with peers).
Don't enter your child's room without knocking. Ask how he is doing in vital areas: studies, friendships - find out why he doesn’t come out to you. If the reason for the “recluse” is neutral, let the teenager be alone, spend time on his hobbies, and not on communicating with you. If the reason is negative, offer your support. Be attentive, caring, but unobtrusive - this is important.
In the series “Contact,” for example, Gleb Barnashov wanted to help Yulia solve the problem of bullying at school. He chose a good way - conversation in a friendly family environment. Barnashov prepared dinner: he made mashed potatoes with cutlets and baked charlotte. But due to the fact that he tried to force a heart-to-heart conversation in a situation where the relationship between father and daughter had reached a dead end, the initiative failed. Dinner turned into a new quarrel, and Julia went to her room.
“The child may become completely withdrawn, not allow you to enter and refuse to engage in dialogue. In this case, you can try to talk about your experiences and why it is important for you to talk to him. It may not work out the first time. Don't give up, look for new ways to make contact. If there is no result, seek a recommendation from a specialist. It is possible that the reason for this behavior is your relationship with your child. In this case, family therapy sessions can help,” says Alexandra Fedorchenko.
The teenager does not want to participate in family events: he does not go to his grandmother in the village, he does not come to visit us. How to involve him?
“Your attitude towards family traditions and values is your attitude. The teenager does not have to feel the same reverence for them. He wants to critically rethink your views; chew and digest what was taken from you at an earlier age; see how other families live. This is not a crime - it’s curiosity and a desire to explore the world around us,” says Georgy Golyshev.
Perhaps you should give in to your child when it comes to family activities. Allow him to increase his distance from his usual surroundings and allow him to independently choose the degree of his involvement in communication with relatives.
“If you still want your teenager to attend your adult “parties” more often, add something interesting for him to them. What exactly is important to decide together with the child. Ask a direct question or, for example, try telling him: “I will be pleased if you give grandma’s anniversary a chance. I understand that you are unlikely to be interested in a feast, but maybe we can decorate the living room in the style of your favorite YouTube show and ask your grandmother funny questions about her? If she answers incorrectly, she will have to tell us several “shameful” stories from her youth. What do you think?’” Golyshev suggests.
