Social network
I’m worried that my child is communicating on social networks with dangerous strangers. How can you be sure that this is not the case?
“Tell your child directly and openly what exactly you are afraid of: involvement in criminal activity, molestation, or something else. Come up with safety rules together with your teenager. You can start the dialogue like this: “You’ve probably heard that now there are a lot of scammers, cybercriminals and just scoundrels. Even smart and rational people fall for their schemes, because they have been worked out for years. But if one of your friends and relatives notices that something is wrong, there is less chance of making mistakes. Let’s figure out how we will monitor the safety of our family,” says psychologist Georgy Golyshev, head of the creative association #Shashniki and host of the podcast “Three Points | Psychology and humor."
It offers the following security rules:
- Forward each other strange messages that have come to you from unknown subscribers and accounts, providing them with a humorous comment.
- Accept the fact that other people already see an attractive guy or a pretty girl in a teenager and want to get to know each other. Together, make fun of ambiguous and sexual hints from strangers on social networks.
- Launch a “detective investigation service” or a “psychological emergency room” in a game format to urgently discuss incomprehensible situations. This could be a family chat for evaluating messages from strangers called “Against obscurantism!” or “Yes to critical thinking!”
It is important not to abuse trust and use the security system solely for care, and not for control and interference in the teenager’s personal life. For the tactic to work, do not forget to share with your child the strange messages that come to you.
I see a child using swear words on social networks, inappropriate pictures and messages, or even shocking content. How to react?
Your child is still experiencing the world like he was ten or 12 years ago. But now much more of his unsightly sides are revealed to him. It's unavoidable.
Your task is to help your child form a correct picture of the world and teach him to think critically about reality. You have to talk about what is good and what is bad, but not in a classical context, but based on the teenager’s values and beliefs.
“Think over the scenario of your conversation, stock up on logical arguments, be calm and confident. It is important to respect the child’s opinion, whatever it may be. It is necessary to determine its goals before the conversation. If you just want to share your concerns, share them. But I would recommend finding out why a teenager is interested in this particular content and this way of communication. How important is this for him and why is it needed? And only then make decisions.
If this is a way to communicate with peers, explain that there are many types of communication and the child has the right to choose the one that suits him, and not follow what is popular. If a teenager gets pleasure from watching shocking scenes of violence, perhaps this is a reason to contact a specialist,” says educational psychologist Alexandra Fedorchenko.
There is no need to make a tragedy out of the fact that a child swears obscenely or posts obscene pictures. Of course, swearing can upset you, but most often it only expresses emotions. Teenagers do not cope well with their own and other people's feelings. Obscene language helps them throw out negativity and relieve tension. Show how you can express emotions without swearing, and perhaps your child will stop using it.
School
The child does not want to study and skips school. As a result, academic performance dropped. How to regain interest in studying?
Understand the reason for the current situation: do not shout, do not blame, do not shake the diary in your face and do not call the child stupid.
“There can be several reasons for refusing to study. For example, stress from communicating with classmates or teachers - a child may be bullied at school. Reluctance to learn can also be dictated by low self-esteem: a teenager thinks that he always looks like a loser compared to his peers, and sees no point in trying. Or perhaps you put too much pressure and overly control the learning process: you demand only high grades, arrange interrogations and “exams” - this causes resistance. Also among the reasons for academic failure are an unhealthy situation in your family, friendship with “bad company,” difficulties in understanding the material being taught, and simply fatigue,” explains Marina Nozdrova, a teacher of the highest category and winner of the Russian Presidential Prize.
The easiest way to restore interest in learning is if a child skips school because he has fallen behind his classmates. There's nothing wrong with that - everyone has their own abilities. Explain to the child that he has nothing to be ashamed of, discuss the situation with teachers and try to work with the teenager at home. You can connect a tutor - probably the child has not mastered just one topic, without which it is difficult to understand the new material.
You can also solve the problem of hypercontrol yourself. Loosen your grip: grades in school are just grades. Let your child relax; he doesn’t have to live up to your expectations endlessly. Other reasons for academic failure may require consultation with a specialist.
The teenager stopped talking about how he was doing at school. He answers “everything is fine.” I ask questions - he gets angry. Why?
“Perhaps the child is simply tired of your control. With his silence, he wins the right to personal space. If a teenager categorically refuses to talk to you about school and it seems to you that there are negative reasons for this, contact the class teacher and ask him. If your fears are justified, try to calmly discuss the problem with your child and offer your support,” recommends Marina Nozdrova.
Your task, as in the case of academic failure, is to find out the reasons why the child does not want to share the news. If he becomes isolated only when discussing school, this could be a warning sign.
My child is being bullied at school. What to do?
If your child is bullied at school, it is not his fault. Children bully their peers simply because they can. The reason can be any: hair color, height, weight, clothing, hobby. Your child's personality or appearance is just an excuse for bullying. Its real reason is the desire of the aggressor to become a leader.
A child who is the target of bullying may develop complexes, phobias and even mental disorders. Therefore, it is advisable to seek help from a specialist.
“Your task is to explain to the child that everything is fine with him, he did nothing to deserve insults, humiliation or beatings. Show that you are always on his side and will go with him to the end. Do not ask your child to endure bullying, teach him to respect himself. New achievements will help strengthen a teenager’s self-confidence. Therefore, find options for self-affirmation, focusing on his interests and abilities: send him to a music school or sports section. Also try to raise your child’s self-esteem, inspire him to believe in himself,” advises Marina Nozdrova.
To stop bullying forever, you need to work with the entire team. If you see that the class teacher and school psychologist lack the qualifications, experience or desire to do this, contact the school principal. If it doesn’t help, contact the local education department. You can also write a statement to the police if your child is physically suffering from bullying - before this, you need to record the beatings in the emergency room. Proving emotional abuse will be nearly impossible.
What should I do if my child bullies others?
Typically, bullies can be divided into two opposing types. The first is the popular students, the so-called kings and queens with their retinue. The second is antisocial children who are trying to take the throne.
“If your child bullies others, you need to look for the cause of the aggression. You should understand your behavior and comprehend family relationships, since most often the cause of aggression lies precisely in the parents. This should not offend you - do not put any labels on yourself or your teenager. If he bullies other kids, it doesn't mean you are a bad parent and he will end up in jail. Be calm and reasonable, seek help from a specialist with the whole family,” recommends Marina Nozdrova.
It also happens that a child behaves overly aggressively in response to bullying - this is his way of protecting himself. Perhaps he simply doesn’t know any other way.
For example, in the series “Contact” from the PREMIER video service, the teenage main character Yulia (Irina Pautova) cut off her classmate Sveta’s braid right in class and hit her neck with the blade because of an insulting note. There could be another way to defend your dignity. But Yulia could not contain the accumulated aggression, the cause of which was pain and loneliness.
Her parents separated, her mother flew to Berlin, and her father - former opera Gleb Barnashov (Pavel Maykov) - began to wash down the divorce with alcohol. Because of this, he was fired from the homicide department. And although Barnashov now works as a juvenile affairs inspector, he absolutely does not understand children and does not know how to communicate with them. Including my own daughter.
Yulia found herself alone against a hostile environment: public, virtual and even urban. Her unsightly actions are due only to the desire to protect herself, and by and large, the responsibility for them lies with the adults who abandoned her without lending a helping hand. It is important to remember that a teenager’s aggressive behavior is most often a symptom of his troubles.
Friends
The child often brings friends I don’t know to the house. Sometimes even without warning. How to react to this?
“Calmly ask the teenager about his attitude towards members of his company. Tell them you want to meet them and explain why you need it. React not emotionally, but rationally. This is a universal recommendation. Emotional responses with negative connotations can complicate your relationship with your child. Rational will lead you to the desired result if it involves building trusting relationships,” emphasizes Alexandra Fedorchenko.
Offer your child leisure time together. You can cook pizza with the whole group or play a board game. If your teen refuses, ask what you can do for him and the guests. Perhaps the guys need a ride to the park or cinema - you’ll meet them on the way.
If you want to be notified when friends are coming, just ask for it. But remember: if you want to be treated with respect, then you must treat your teenager with respect. Therefore, warn when your friends come to the house.
The teenager does not tell me with whom and where he is going, when he will return, and does not come home at the agreed time. How not to lose control, but also not turn it into supervision?
“If your teenager is psychologically stable and healthy, his instinct of self-preservation works - he is wary of dangerous people, afraid of pain, violence against himself, wants to live happily ever after and is unlikely to look for unsafe adventures.
Teenagers can understand perfectly well - and, perhaps, have already understood without you - the risks of drinking alcohol, drugs, returning home late, etc. If some of your child’s leisure activities seem dangerous to you, find out what he plans to do if there is a real threat to his life and health.
Don't manipulate your emotional state, just listen to the plan of action. Don’t turn the conversation into an exam and praise the child for resourcefulness and rationality,” recommends Georgy Golyshev.
Discuss the general rules of parties in a calm atmosphere. Before the conversation, decide for yourself what is really important for you to know about the teenager, and what you will leave to his discretion. For example, you definitely need to make sure that meetings take place in public places where there are other people, and not in apartments or abandoned buildings. At the same time, you will not interrogate the child about who will be there.
Teenagers usually adhere to the framework that they have established together with their parents, and are even ready to accept consequences in the form of punishment, naturally, not in the form of any kind of violence.
Agree, for example, that if the child is delayed in responding in the messenger for more than 15 minutes, the next time the child will post a review of their party in his story. It's a fun punishment. Or you can agree that the teenager will work around the house for several hours to offset the cost of your sedative pills from the family budget.
Family
The child does not communicate with me, does not leave his room for hours. How to return it?
The reasons for this behavior can be neutral (ordinary fatigue, a new hobby, watching an interesting TV series, communicating with a friend on social networks, concentrating on a task) or negative (lack of personal space, problems at school or with peers).
Don't enter your child's room without knocking. Ask how he is doing in vital areas: studies, friendships - find out why he doesn’t come out to you. If the reason for the “recluse” is neutral, let the teenager be alone, spend time on his hobbies, and not on communicating with you. If the reason is negative, offer your support. Be attentive, caring, but unobtrusive - this is important.
In the series “Contact,” for example, Gleb Barnashov wanted to help Yulia solve the problem of bullying at school. He chose a good way - conversation in a friendly family environment. Barnashov prepared dinner: he made mashed potatoes with cutlets and baked charlotte. But due to the fact that he tried to force a heart-to-heart conversation in a situation where the relationship between father and daughter had reached a dead end, the initiative failed. Dinner turned into a new quarrel, and Julia went to her room.
“The child may become completely withdrawn, not allow you to enter and refuse to engage in dialogue. In this case, you can try to talk about your experiences and why it is important for you to talk to him. It may not work out the first time. Don't give up, look for new ways to make contact. If there is no result, seek a recommendation from a specialist. It is possible that the reason for this behavior is your relationship with your child. In this case, family therapy sessions can help,” says Alexandra Fedorchenko.
The teenager does not want to participate in family events: he does not go to his grandmother in the village, he does not come to visit us. How to involve him?
“Your attitude towards family traditions and values is your attitude. The teenager does not have to feel the same reverence for them. He wants to critically rethink your views; chew and digest what was taken from you at an earlier age; see how other families live. This is not a crime - it’s curiosity and a desire to explore the world around us,” says Georgy Golyshev.
Perhaps you should give in to your child when it comes to family activities. Allow him to increase his distance from his usual surroundings and allow him to independently choose the degree of his involvement in communication with relatives.
“If you still want your teenager to attend your adult “parties” more often, add something interesting for him to them. What exactly is important to decide together with the child. Ask a direct question or, for example, try telling him: “I will be pleased if you give grandma’s anniversary a chance. I understand that you are unlikely to be interested in a feast, but maybe we can decorate the living room in the style of your favorite YouTube show and ask your grandmother funny questions about her? If she answers incorrectly, she will have to tell us several “shameful” stories from her youth. What do you think?’” Golyshev suggests.
Face it: he's already grown up
It will take time to get used to the idea that your boy or girl has grown up and is trying to leave parental care. This entails several fears at once.
Firstly, fear for the child. Where is he like this - small, stupid, inexperienced? We know life better, we need to make him obey, wrap him in care for a few more years, so that later he goes out into the world as a truly adult, smart and stable.
Secondly, fear for yourself. What am I going to do now?.. It is especially difficult for those who “lived for the sake of their children” to come to terms with their child’s growing up. After all, the separation of a child threatens the very meaning of their life. How to continue to live in an “empty nest” and without a cozy parental role?
These fears work against the child and against the parent. A child will never truly mature without his own life experiences. He can develop willpower, interest in life and self-confidence only through trial and error. And for this he needs to expand his personal space, have his own relationships with friends, have his own opinions, secrets, failures and victories. This is a path full of risk, but there is no other way. And strict control from mom or dad is the worst thing that can happen during adolescence.
Psychologists give important (and perhaps the main) advice to parents of teenagers: take more care of yourself and your life. The child no longer requires constant care - and that’s good! Now you have more free time, more opportunities to do what you love and change something, implement postponed plans, learn new things... When there are interesting things to do in life, meetings, projects, the “empty nest” ceases to be scary. Adolescence is a time of transition for adults as well. You need to learn to live differently so that your new life is joyful and fulfilling. And then, you see, the baby will settle down, it will be possible to communicate on a new level, without pressure and struggle.
Love
The teenager has a loved one. How can we get him to introduce us?
Do not insist on meeting your child's chosen one. It will be better if he himself wants to introduce his loved one to you.
Don't put your teenager in an awkward position by telling family and friends about his crush. Don’t devalue his experiences, don’t trivialize his feelings with phrases like “the main thing is, don’t bring me a grandson,” be tactful and don’t play detective, looking for nudes in your child’s phone and condoms in his pockets.
If a teenager decides to introduce you to a partner, do not interrogate him. Be friendly and welcoming. Do not forbid lovers to meet at your place, but stipulate the conditions. For example, no overnight stays. When lovers are at home, do not impose your presence. Knock before entering a room and don't offer tea every 15 minutes.
A teenager suffers from unrequited love or a breakup. How to support him without devaluing his feelings?
From your experience, it may seem that the teenager is worrying in vain. But look at the situation through his eyes: he has now lost the love of his life. Support the child as you would an adult in a similar situation. You can bring something tasty and favorite to his room.
“You shouldn’t encourage a teenager with phrases like “How many more of them will you have!”, “Trust me, after some time you will understand that he/she is not worthy of you,” “In a year you will remember this situation with a smile.” “, “This happened to me too, more than once,” “You need to switch.” This is not support - this is devaluation of his feelings.
It’s better to say: “I sympathize with your loss,” “I sympathize with your disappointment,” “I want to be with you in this situation, tell me, can I do something for you now?”, “You can contact me whenever you want, I “nearby,” “Tell me how you feel, it’s important for me to understand you,” says Georgy Golyshev.
How to talk to a teenager about sex?
A conversation about sex should not violate a child’s personal boundaries; it is important to start with the teenager’s full consent. The hero of the series “Contact” Gleb Barnashov ignored this rule and tried to force his daughter Yulia to talk about intimate relationships with her boyfriend. But the girl is not close enough to her father, she is not ready to discuss this topic with him. Yulia stated that she would decide for herself when and with whom she would have sex, and asked not to interfere in her personal life.
It didn’t work out constructively, because Gleb Barnashov is a toxic parent in every way. It is important for parents to analyze the behavior of such heroes, because from their example everyone can understand exactly how not to communicate with a child. Pavel Maikov portrayed his rude boomer father so convincingly that after filming the pilot, the scriptwriters wrote lines specifically for him. True, it is better not to use them, like the movie hero’s approaches to education, in real life - Barnashov puts a lot of pressure on children and does not respect their boundaries. Even in such a matter as talking about sex.
And you need to be especially delicate with it. Therefore, if your child, like Yulia, refuses to discuss sex with you directly, offer an alternative: a conversation with a qualified specialist or popular science literature. You can also find quality articles about sex and send them to your child for independent study. Agree to discuss them when he is ready.
If your child agrees to talk with you, state the reason for the conversation first. Typically, it's your concern—explain why you're worried. During the dialogue, talk about contraception and sexual health, challenge common stereotypes and focus on the principle of consent.
“It is necessary to remove the taboo from this topic. It is important to explain to a teenager that it is normal to have sex, but you need to be as psychologically and physically prepared for it as possible, because there are a large number of risks that a teenager must be aware of. During a conversation, call everything by its proper name: genitals, types of interaction with a partner. Show your child by example a reasonable and confident attitude towards sex,” recommends Alexandra Fedorchenko.
The thorny path of growing up: what happens to a teenager
By the age of twelve or thirteen, changes occur in all areas, and a crisis is brewing.
Body. The child grows, his body changes, which, due to uneven growth, often seems funny and absurd.
The child is, as it were, between two shores: childhood and adulthood.
Mood. Due to the play of hormones, the mood constantly changes: rage gives way to euphoria, resentment immediately turns into joy. Just now he was laughing at a ridiculous character on YouTube, and now he was upset to tears at his friends who forgot to invite him into the yard. Not every adult can withstand such loads.
Conflicting attitude of adults. He feels like an adult. Every being strives to become one. Parents continue to see him as a child and begin to demand adult responsibility. On the one hand: “so that I’m already home at 9”, “go now and do your homework”, “don’t communicate with Pasha anymore, I don’t like him.” On the other hand: “at your age I was already closing cans,” “what an example you are setting for your brother,” “what a big deal, but what’s the point,” “it’s time to think about the future.”
I am the mother of a teenager, and I am no longer the main person in his life
Self-expression
The child changed his clothing style and hairstyle. Is this a signal that something is happening to him?
“It could be anything or nothing at all. The teenager just tried it. It's great if you can notice changes without judgment. For example: “Oh, you have a new T-shirt with the devil on it!” Ask if the teenager himself is happy with his transformation - perhaps he is worried about unsuccessfully dyed hair. Find out the reason for the changes. Use a phrase like “I buy new things when I’m tired of everyday life, and you?” Please note that there may not be a reason or it may be too intimate for immediate publication,” says Georgy Golyshev.
When discussing appearance, be correct. If you strongly disagree with some changes, you will likely have a hard time keeping your opinions to yourself. In this case, take a break and try to agree with your child to talk at a time convenient for both of you.
The teenager began to become insolent and constantly argues with me and other adults. Acts as if he knows everything in the world. How to explain that he can also be wrong?
Don't focus on your grievances, even if your child's words or opinions hurt you. Perhaps something is bothering him, since he reacts sharply to people and the world.
“A response is an action that immediately follows a stimulus. If you change the stimulus, you can change the response. That is, you need to think about what words and actions of adults can provoke a child’s insolence. It is also important to ask questions to the teenager himself: “What do you think is happening to you?”, “How can I help you?”, “What can we do together to make you feel calmer?”,” explains Alexandra Fedorchenko.
To prevent your child from withdrawing and becoming afraid to express his opinion, treat him with respect. For example, you could say, “I think you're wrong. I'm telling you about this because I'm worried. But if you decide to do just that, I will try to support you and definitely won’t interfere with you. Mistakes are experiences that are often very valuable.”
Two steps forward - one step back
The child develops without going through a series of crises. After each crisis, he is ready to go further into the world and needs his parents less and less. But if something goes wrong, if the child cannot cope with life, he can go back a little - to a previous stage of development, in order to come to his senses next to the source of love and care - next to his mother, father, grandmother. A one-year-old baby asks to be held in our arms like a baby, a first-grader climbs onto our laps, a ten-year-old takes us by the hand.
A teenager can also “fall back into childhood” a little, or “regress,” as psychologists say. If he is stressed or experiencing failure, he may begin to act like a child. Come to us to drink tea with sweets (although he has long preferred to sit in his room), ask to watch a cartoon together, and even lie in his parents’ bed, as he once did. It just might mean that he needs more protection and care, that he is going through a difficult period and needs to be close to him. He will be saturated with our warmth, calm down, and move forward again.
