How long does adolescence last?
Conventionally, adolescence begins at 10–13 years of age and lasts until 21 years of age.
It is divided into three stages. Early is “the most unbearable,” according to the psychotherapist. Children have new needs, they are already “big”, but they don’t understand how to deal with it. Boys become like Neanderthals, awkward, clumsy. They are rude and want to be left alone. Girls, in turn, begin to be afraid and ashamed of everything, including themselves. The second stage begins at the age of 16 and proceeds more easily. The teenager already senses reality, but tries to adapt it to himself. The third stage, aka youth. According to Loktionova, only during this period does a teenager come to terms with real life and begin to take responsibility for his actions.
What goes on in the minds of teenagers?
The key to understanding a teenager lies in the changes that occur in his head. Biologically, the brain consists of the lower part and the outer part - the cerebral cortex. For a younger student they are in balance. During adolescence, a “volcanic eruption” begins in the subcortical layers. There was a flat landscape, and then “magma” rises, new structures. The subcortical centers begin to attract all the attention because they begin to serve the maturing hormonal system.
“The difficulty of adolescence is that the cerebral hemispheres are being rebuilt; they seem to be closed for repairs. Logic, arguments, beliefs, cause-and-effect relationships - all this is not clear to teenagers. They live on an emotional level,” said the psychotherapist.
Why do teenagers react so strongly to criticism?
Due to the changes that occur in the head of adolescents, emotional pain centers are exposed. Loktionova gave the example of a comparison that was picked up by Françoise Dolto. According to a French psychoanalyst, the teenager is like a lobster during molting: he has just lost his shell and needs to grow a new one. At this moment, all sorts of dangers await him.
“Teenagers must survive this difficult period like lobsters. Therefore, the family should become a safe place where he can survive this time without fear of “predators” and build up this new “chitinous cover,” that is, wait for the formation of the cerebral hemispheres,” the psychotherapist advised.
Continuing the theme of comparing teenagers and lobsters, she said that pain awaits any teenager, he will definitely get “burned.” The psychotherapist remembered that there used to be an initiation rite for teenagers.
“The boys had to deal with pain, but there was always a mentor who knew how this process should happen and what its benefits were for the teenager,” Loktionova said.
It is important to understand why you, as a parent, cause pain. For example, why do you ask your child to put down his cell phone? If you want to have a traditional dinner at this time with the whole family, then this is a good idea.
Where is your interlocutor's attention focused?
It will be difficult for two people to agree and reach agreement if one of them has an external reference and the other has an internal one. In a business environment, such conversations end in zero results, and in personal communication they often lead to disputes, quarrels and scandals. To avoid such troubles, listen to your interlocutor and try to determine what is more important to him in a conversation: to hear you and find out your opinion or to receive a charge of positive emotions.
Once you understand where the other person's attention is, you will understand how to talk to him correctly.
If the interlocutor has an internal reference, ask how he feels, surround him with comfort and try not to hurt his feelings. If a person has an external reference, emphasize how important his opinion is to you on an issue that concerns you, how much you respect and appreciate him.
Give yourself permission to be yourself. Or why is it so important to accept yourself? Find out in the following article
How can parents communicate with teenagers without giving advice?
During the child's adolescence, the parent must become a submissive listener if the child makes contact. A teenager needs to be shown compassion and empathy. There is no need to explain anything right away, no need to tell how everything happened in adolescence with the parent himself.
“You can say: “I understand you approximately.” Maybe this is similar to (name an incident from your youth)?” If the child agrees, then you can remember the incident and say: “I felt so bad, but such and such helped me. Is the same thing happening to you now?”, the psychotherapist gave an example.
How to help a teenager who doesn't ask for help?
“I often encounter parental confusion. It seems they don’t ask for help; on the contrary, they even say: “Go away, don’t touch me,” the psychotherapist said.
Tatyana Lazareva confirmed this. According to her, each of the three children in adolescence often said: “Mom, that’s enough!” Loktionova explained the meaning of this phrase from the lips of a teenager.
“Everything that happens outside directly, without processing by the cerebral hemispheres, affects the emotional pain center of the teenager. Any sidelong glance, any condemnation hits this center. If a teenager hears a piece of morality in your phrase, the child will identify this as alienation. Then the child says: “Mom, that’s enough.” But he says this not to his mother, but to the pain that he is currently experiencing,” said the psychotherapist.
Don't ignore your children's negative feelings
Some parents make the mistake of trying to ignore their children's negative feelings in the hope that they will go away. This rarely happens with emotions. Negative feelings dissipate when children can talk about their emotions, name them, and feel understood.
Tip: Catch your child’s negative feelings as early as possible, before they reach a critical point and trigger a crisis. If your five-year-old is nervous about an upcoming trip to the dentist, it's better to address that fear the day before the appointment rather than wait until he sits in the dentist's chair and throws a tantrum. By addressing feelings before they become intense, you can practice listening and problem-solving skills.
Teenagers stay up late and have a hard time getting up. Why?
Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the brain, but also for the whole body. Therefore, a teenager can often feel like a squeezed lemon at the end of the day.
“The body changes, it shakes. Such earthquakes occur inside. The bones grow, the vessels cannot keep up with them, and the nerve pathways cannot keep up with the vessels. Therefore, the daily routine and physical activity regimen are very important,” the psychotherapist noted.
No teenager likes to go to bed early. Moreover, closer to night, when homework is done, the most active communication on social networks begins. In this matter, parents need to set boundaries and ask the child to go to bed at a specific time.
“You can say, ‘You still have five minutes. Write the most important words. Finish communicating with the most important people.” In this way, we give a guideline and ask them to go to bed on time,” explained Loktionova.
It turns out that it is from 22.00 to 1.00 that the process of myelination occurs in the body of a teenager. This is the formation of a sheath around the processes of nerve cells.
“Teenagers’ sleep patterns are really disrupted. They don't want to sleep at all. But this is not so because their social networks excite them. The reason is that the brain is not yet myelinated, there is no need to form these membranes. Therefore, our task is to help the child form the habit of going to bed early,” said the psychotherapist.
Ideally, a teenager should sleep 10–11 hours. Obviously, on school days this is not always possible: children do homework late into the night, and you need to get up early to get to class without traffic jams. In this case, at least on weekends, the teenager should sleep as much as he wants, Loktionova noted.
How to get your child away from gadgets?
The only way to get a teenager to put down the gadget is to offer him a more exciting activity. It is important to realize that children constantly see phones in their parents’ hands and do not understand when adults ask them to put them away. For what?
“I can take away gadgets from children only if I am able to offer something in return. Just say to Antonina: “Tosya, put down the phone, get out of Instagram?” I said, of course, but it doesn't work. You can talk as much as you like. It's the same as you taking his life. It doesn’t matter if she says: “Mom, jump off the balcony now.” How's that? This is his life, and you are taking it away,” Lazareva said about how she tried to resolve the issue with gadgets with her 13-year-old daughter.
But if a child breaks some family traditions (for example, does not go to dinner with the whole family), but instead sits on the phone, you need to be tough. It is important to explain that there are unshakable rules, just like the fact that the sun rises and sets every day, the psychotherapist explained. In the same way, at exactly 18.00, the whole family sits down to dinner and, without phones, discusses the past day, for example. Norms that are repeated day after day are important, as they provide support, Loktionova noted.
The psychotherapist recalled that teenagers always react with hostility to parental demands. She explained exactly how to ask a teenager for something to increase the chances of consent.
“Do you know how to distinguish whether you are asking or demanding? Very simple! If you demand inside and only pretend to ask, then when the child refuses, you will get angry and say: “Well, you can’t ask for anything.” And if you ask, then you admit the possibility of refusal. Then you will think: “Refused? Well, okay, next time, maybe he’ll agree,” said the psychotherapist.
Get closer
Part of the Chinese character for opportunity is the character for crisis. Nowhere is this connection more clearly seen than in the role of a parent. Whether the crisis is caused by a balloon popping, math failure, or a friend's betrayal, negative experiences are an excellent opportunity to empathize and bond with your children, as well as a chance to teach them how to manage their feelings.
Stay close to your children. –
For many parents, the idea that children's negative emotions are an opportunity for bonding and learning is a relief, a release, and a great "here it comes!" We no longer have to view our children's anger as a challenge to our authority, their children's fears as evidence of our incompetence as parents, and their sadness as "another damn problem I have to deal with today."
When a child feels sad, angry or afraid, he needs his parents most. And the opportunity to calm an upset child allows us to “feel like parents” like nothing else. By acknowledging our children's emotions, we teach them the art of self-soothing that they will use throughout their lives.
Love your children!
Based on materials from the books “Emotional Intelligence of the Child” and “Montessori Encyclopedia”.
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How to take a child away from a bad company?
Some parents are concerned that teenagers start drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, vaping, and trying drugs in company. A group of friends becomes closer to parents for a teenager, who sometimes use force and abuse to try to get the child out of a bad situation,” the psychotherapist explained.
Parents should monitor the groups to which their child belongs and create opportunities for the teenager to be in good company. If among the teenager’s friends there are dubious personalities, you need to find him another company, but no less exciting.
“Last summer I sent Toska to two wonderful camps. She told me an amazing phrase after that: “You know, mom, if you put me in a room where all the children read books, then I will too.” I was stunned: “What? Will you read the book?” Tosya never reads anything. I struggled with this, to no avail. But thanks to this feedback, I realized that it is very important where the child ends up,” shared Tatyana Lazareva.
"You're doing everything wrong"
“I’m never right,” says Katya. When she talks about work, personal life, or just an unpleasant situation in the supermarket, mom uses this to once again emphasize that Katya, unlike the people around her, is behaving incorrectly. And when she decides to tell something truly personal or sad, mom changes the story so as to put Katya in a bad light, and then recalls this situation in order to humiliate her once again. “Money is the main criterion of success for my mother, while slightly different things are important to me,” says Katya. That is why her achievements and successes and even marriage with the person she really loves do not matter to her mother. She only reminds Katya that this man can betray her at any moment.
“Some mothers mistakenly believe that by hitting their child harder than the outside world can, they can prepare him for trials and problems. Let him feel bad, but at home, under my strict guidance,” says psychologist Viktor Zaikin. But such cruelty, as a rule, hurts and does not help to cope with difficulties at all; it only grows self-doubt.
