Prospector syndrome
You try for your husband: surprise him with new dishes (because he doesn’t like monotony), buy fresh newspapers for him every morning (because he doesn’t read electronically).
You try for the children: you clean their apartment (they, poor things, have no time - everyone works!), give them part of your pension or salary (you don’t need much - you’re used to making do with little). You do your best for your grandchildren: you bake pies for them, take them to the pool and chess, sit with them when they are sick. You try for friends and acquaintances - you support, console, take their pets for foster care. In a word, you try, try, try... Article on the topic TEST: how objective is your self-esteem?
At best, they give you an indifferent “Thank you!” And at worst, they find something to complain about. The newspapers turn out to be uninteresting, the pies are tasteless, the apartment is not well-groomed enough.
How to fix it?
First of all, you need to get rid of unpleasant people whom you cannot stand. Reduce communication with them or openly show your hostility if there is no way to get rid of them.
If there are people around you who have suddenly stopped respecting you, but you want to maintain communication with them. Then talk to them face to face and try to find out why this happened. Remember that every person can demand respect. But in this case, treat other people with respect.
Presumption of guilt
But, instead of telling the offenders: “Well, next time, do everything yourself!”, You feel guilty - you didn’t please, you didn’t try hard enough. And... you try even harder. After all, your self-esteem directly depends on how others evaluate you. They praise you - it means you are not so bad. If they scold you, it means you clearly haven’t done enough work. And you don’t value yourself at all.
Psychologists believe that such dislike for oneself stems from childhood. Most likely, your parents did not stand on ceremony with you and rarely praised you. You dreamed of earning their approval - you ingratiated yourself, tried to do something nice. Despite the fact that childhood is long over, the need to be good in the eyes of others remains. And those around you enjoy using it. Even family and friends.
You put up with their consumerist attitude. All for the same reason - you don’t love and value yourself. And since other people treat us exactly the same way we treat ourselves, they don’t respect you too much either.
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Low price. How low self-esteem ruins your life
Requests for help Write your story Hello everyone, my name is Vitaly, I am 26 years old. I’ll start with the most important thing, I’m tired of living, thoughts of early death come to me. I’ll explain why, from an early age I was raised as an obedient boy, for this upbringing I now hate myself, everywhere there is propaganda of goodness, that you have to be a good person and then good people will be drawn to you, that you have to be an open person and then everyone will know how cool you are , but in fact it turns out that in this world almost all people are scared, angry and materialistic, trying to hurt you and spit in your soul. Since childhood, I was forced to believe in God, I still remember my mother’s phrase when I asked her the question “who do you love more?” Me or God? the answer was “God.” I always prayed to God, always went to church, always prayed for the health of my loved ones and even my enemies, as prescribed by the Bible and other holy scriptures, but in fact I became worthless, why should I be respected? Why am I so kind? Is that why I prayed for people’s health? No, they don’t respect me, they only blame me, I always fulfilled people’s requests, sometimes even sacrificing my interests, just as I was taught in childhood, that good deeds will return you good, that’s how they taught me and to be honest, I didn’t expect good in the beginning, then I began to wait because the good did not return, I stopped helping the person and then I heard in response that I was ignored, I was comfortable that I did good to people, because who doesn’t need a free slave? Hypocrisy and pretense, this is the modern world, unfortunately, many believe in God, but after leaving the church they will not give even a ruble to the grandmother next to the church, or they give it only because it is necessary, but in me there is a dual situation, but I do good because I have to do it, I was taught this way, I also expect good in return, but I do it all sincerely and from the heart, otherwise I would not sacrifice my interests. So what's the result? At the age of 20 I received a diagnosis of VSD, neurosis, derealization, by the age of 25 I got rid of all this, thanks to a psychologist, thanks to a psychotherapist whose books I read and watched videos. As for love, I have no luck in it, it was always unrequited, no matter what girls say that they love care and gifts, they still need drive in relationships and it’s not for nothing that they say that they love hooligans (girls don’t mean it as an offense, I’m not talking about everyone, I’m talking about those who met me on the way, and this is 90% of all the girls who were friends too). I had relationships with girls that I didn’t fully like, they looked great on the outside, but didn’t suit me at heart, but when I met a girl and sincerely fell in love with her, they all didn’t like me, these are the remaining 10 % that I never knew. It’s as if life was laughing and laughing at me, putting such girls in my way, and there were already 4 of them, why does life do this to me, why does it make me fall in love with them, I’m already starting to be afraid of this, because it hurts me, every time it’s a blow to heart, surely many will understand what unrequited love is, what’s the most disgusting thing is that girls talk to me, they say that I’m cool, it’s great to be with me, that I have a good sense of humor, and when I take the first step (I was also taught this, guys should pursue girls) then they dump me, and sometimes it was harsh, when it seems like you interpret a girl’s signals as those that give you a kind of green light, that she is interested in you and she is not against a relationship, when suddenly it turns out that she has already had guy, and so am I, it was just interesting with me, like with a friend, then I find out that her love was unhappy (I’m talking about one of 4 cases), she gave birth to a son, another girl then told our mutual friend that she regrets that she didn’t get together with me, when I found out, I gently began to communicate again, because it was unpleasant for me that she regretted that she didn’t get together with me, although this would have pleased the vanity of many. And what do you think in the end? I was rejected again, for no reason at all, and I was ignored. As for my friends, they only need me when they feel bad or need money, but I don’t have a person I could turn to in case of mental problems. For acquaintances, it is in the order of things to answer me rudely or with banter, because I will not answer in the same way, I am kind, I was taught that way, if you hit one cheek, turn the other. And if I answer, then in response they will argue that it’s my fault. This is how life is. And I see only two ways, either to become the same hypocrite and feign a smile in your face and hold a “knife” behind your back, or the option that I voiced at the beginning of the text. In my life I asked for forgiveness many times, I showed my openness, and people perceived it as weakness, I don’t see among most people true believers in goodness in all its senses, I see hypocrites who say “yeah, you have to be kind, you have to help,” and in the end they then use it for their own selfish purposes. I see people who claim that they are like this, but in the end they turn out to be wolves in sheep's clothing. I would really like to hear advice on what exactly to do, please chew on it). All the best and love.
Vitaly, age: 26 / 26.11.2017
Responses:
Hello Vitaly. We are all taught what good and evil are. But unfortunately, they are not always taught to distinguish good from evil. And behind the apparent goodwill there may be banal manipulation hidden. Therefore, you yourself have already understood a lot and in my opinion you need to develop critical thinking. Today there are many enterprising people who, under various pretexts, can take advantage of our gullibility and excessive “obedience” for their own selfish interests. And this applies not only to selling something, but also to achieving your goals at the expense of someone else. Therefore, incoming information needs to be questioned, and you need to think about why they are telling you exactly this and for what purpose. Everyone has their own motives. And besides, people enter into relationships based on their own interests. Our task is to understand what underlies any information that comes to us, draw intelligent conclusions and act as we ourselves see fit. And excuse me, it’s not always necessary to do exactly as “taught.” When they taught, perhaps not all life situations were foreseen by the “teachers”. Trust yourself more, your intuition and your conclusions. Following someone’s lead, you can end up in such a jungle that you won’t be able to get out of it, and if you do get out, you’ll be a very unhappy person. Congratulations to you!
Eleanor, age: 30 / 11/26/2017
Vitaly, you clearly see only two extremes - hypocrisy (evil) and forgiveness (weakness). Where is the strength of spirit here? Where would you classify simply honest, strong-willed people who actually do something? After all, the same things can be looked at from different angles; the desire to help in itself is good. It’s another matter when a person helps not because he wants it, then the action itself would give him strength, but because he expects gratitude and a feeling of goodness. This is where everything comes from, from self-awareness, understand. Your good deeds are a desperate desire to feel good, to gain peace of mind through this. And therefore, in the end, these deeds do not bring any good, because you only want to help yourself, and not others. Think about it: when you have a lot of something, you can easily share it without thinking or regretting. When you have a lot of mental strength, confidence in your beliefs, and understanding of life, you can easily overcome minor difficulties and human imperfections, you see someone who really needs help, and you help him. It is important to believe in your convictions and not deviate from them in the main things. Read more - there is a lot of information on self-development on this site and on the Internet. Happiness, love and goodness to you!
Maria, age: 29/11/26/2017
Hello. Well, we were not promised that it would be very fun: “you will be sorrowful in the world,” as they say. But it also says that “your sorrow will be transformed into joy.” It seems to me that with girls, don’t be upset. If everything is going this way so far, it means you haven’t met your girlfriend yet. And since you are preparing for marriage, then marriage is not an easy matter, it is a difficult and long journey, in which people still only have to truly love each other. Because this is not a passion that flares up and burns out, but difficult work on oneself, when you have to sacrifice your interests and yourself in the interests of another person, or children. We need to prepare for this. When you are ready, then the Lord will send you that person with whom you can walk the path of life hand in hand. I also had this happen in my personal life. I thought that nothing normal would work out, complete failures. But I prayed for a happy marriage, and I got married, married for 18 years. Don't worry, everything will be fine. You're just not ready yet. Regarding the fact that you do good, and in return you get something you don’t understand - well, here it is necessary, as the holy fathers write “reasoning”. Perhaps you need to consult with an experienced priest about such everyday situations in order to understand how to act Christianly in this or that case. Because not all good is useful to us and to those to whom we “inflict” it. If you see that you are simply being taken advantage of, then you don’t always need to do this. Because different types of help may be needed. If a neighbor came and said, let’s say, I’m sick, there’s no one to help me, there’s no one even to go to the store for food - then, of course, I need to help. If a healthy and strong classmate asks you to write term papers for him because he is simply too lazy to do it, then you are not obligated to help. Because this is not useful either for you (you won’t have time to do your business), or for him (because he asks for help in something that he can do very well himself). That is, it is necessary to reason in each specific case. And consult with a priest if the situation is not clear to you, and it is unclear how best to proceed. Well, then, if you do good to others, then that’s very good. But Father Paisiy, for example, wrote that if I give someone a glass of water in the expectation that the Lord will send me 2 bottles of Coca-Cola for it, then this is cheap. You know what I mean, right? That is, if we do good, it should be without expectation of reward. You're just doing it for God's sake. But you also need to reason so that you really don’t turn into the person everyone “rides on.” Because this is simply another extreme - people-pleasing and the inability to say “no”. You also need to show firmness. This is not cruelty or heartlessness. It's hardness. There is no need to be afraid to refuse and be unpopular sometimes. They will only respect you more. They will ask “why not?” Say: I don’t want to. Or “this is not part of my plans, sorry.” This is fine.
Olya, age: 42 / 11/27/2017
Hello Vitaly. A lot of good advice was given here. That's what life is for, to make mistakes and learn from mistakes. Believe that everything will be fine for you! I absolutely don’t see a problem for which it’s worth killing yourself, and such situations don’t exist! By the way, I have a similar situation with guys. I often hear after a certain amount of time in a relationship: you are smart, with a good character, pretty, BUT...I stopped loving you. Or nitpicking, sometimes she’s dressed wrong, sometimes she’s not active... You know, you need to trust people, but divide them into black and white, maximalism. And don’t break your character! All people are different, there will definitely be someone with whom you will be happy!
Ksenia, age: 24 / 27.11.2017
Yes, Vitaly, unfortunately the world is such where there are evil, hypocritical people. When a person enters adulthood, he begins to see and understand this. Every person faces this, but it is harder for good, good people to endure. God also said, “The world lies in evil,” “in the world you will have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world.” You seem to be a believer, you should know these words. So start studying the holy scriptures, the lives of the saints, how much they had to endure from people. How much wise advice they give on how to live, how to treat people, find it on the internet and read it. How much Christ suffered from people, don’t you know... But not all people are so bad, there are good ones too. And there are normal girls. If you are a believer, there are youth organizations at churches with meetings, there will be good believers there, maybe you can meet people there? There are also more good people in various volunteer organizations, where different types of help are provided to people and animals. To meet girls, try Orthodox sites, pray to meet a good girl, you are still very young, your whole life is ahead of you, you will still meet love! If you were “borted”, it means that this is not your destiny, well, thank God, but my destiny is still waiting for me somewhere! With mental problems, you can go to a priest, a psychologist, a helpline, there are forums on the Internet for those who are depressed, or just read Orthodox literature, or you can tell God about your problems, like a friend. Now the time is still so soulless, what did you want, dear...Your state is called growing up, you will survive, you will become stronger, you will learn to see people better, to perceive more easily, all good people face such disappointments, but this is not a reason to leave life, there is a lot in it and good things.
Tanya T, age: 33 / 11/28/2017
And also, you know, being kind is good, but you also need to have self-esteem, and be able to stand up for yourself, and where necessary, show your teeth, so that they don’t sit on your head again. Don't be afraid. You don't always have to turn the other cheek and take this advice literally. Fake a smile...you know, at work, for example, this is etiquette, you can hate your boss, but you need to greet him and be friendly with everyone. It’s the same in life. We must treat everyone kindly, but not bow down in front of them, and not be hypocritical in response. And there is no need to hold a “knife” behind your back, why, this is their pitiful lot. And you always keep the ability to fight back ready, train it in yourself. Train your fortitude.
Tanya T, age: 33 / 11/28/2017
Hello. Vitaly, there is enough evil in this world, but you should not follow the example of such people. Be honest with yourself, don’t expect to be placed on a podium, the main thing is that you know that you did a good deed, which means the day was not lived in vain. Finding your other half is difficult, but possible. You have a lot of time ahead. Good luck!
Irina, age: 29/11/28/2017
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Self-esteem depends on you
It is clear that it is difficult to change an adult, especially if he is accustomed to being in a lower position. But if you are tired of the disregard for yourself, you need to change.
Realize a simple thing: your self-image should not depend on other people's assessments. It's too fragile and unreliable. The husband may get off on the wrong foot, the boss may feel bad, the daughter may be irritated. Don't take their dissatisfaction personally.
Stop criticizing yourself and focusing on mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, even geniuses. Moreover, your weaknesses and mistakes do not in any way characterize you as a person. Focus better on your strengths. Think about what you can praise yourself for. Remind yourself of this often. You can even write a list of your achievements and hang it in a prominent place.
Make your wishes come true. People who think first of all about the welfare of others completely forget about their own needs. And this is wrong. If you constantly give up on yourself, others will do the same. So stop putting off your dreams until later. For example, if you've always wanted to take a landscaping course or learn how to make homemade cosmetics, do it now. You have every right!
Buy yourself something exquisitely expensive - it raises your self-esteem.
No worse than others. How to develop self-confidence and raise self-esteem Read more
Useless self-sacrifice
You ignore your own needs for the sake of others, but the world simply does not notice. And even if people insult you, you consider yourself to blame. This approach will inevitably lead to people frustrating you over and over again. Don't be afraid to tell the world if you don't like something. This will help you attract people with the same interests as you. On the other hand, unnecessary self-sacrifice most often goes unnoticed.
Expert commentary
Associate Professor of the Department of Clinical Psychology at the Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis, Candidate of Psychological Sciences Maria Baulina:
– If a person rushes to help at the first call or even when no one asks him to do so, he involuntarily demonstrates to others that he is superior to them in terms of virtue, so people try to belittle his merits. In addition, sometimes a kind and diligent person shows his qualities where it is inappropriate. For example, he tries to help a child at a time when parents demand independence from him. To receive gratitude, you need to consider the context of the situation and the needs of other people.
Ekaterina Boldysheva:
– It’s no secret that others treat us the way we treat ourselves. If a person does not believe in his own strength, constantly engages in unhealthy self-criticism, does not love and value himself, those around him will not value him. Learn to treat yourself with great respect, value yourself, do not hesitate to praise yourself even for the smallest achievement.
Lack of self-esteem
You don't seem to feel when other people are being rude to you, or you just turn a blind eye to these "little inconveniences." But a naturally rude person will never love or respect you for this. So why do you continue to tolerate this? If someone acts like they don't care about you, then it really is true. Don't make excuses for rude people. Respect yourself.
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Fear of loneliness
You turn your relationship into a cult, sacrificing yourself. Moreover, doing this makes you feel comfortable. Perhaps this is why you only meet bullies, narcissists and selfish people, because you allow yourself to be used.
You shouldn't have to choose between your relationship and your self-esteem. If you have to make this choice, something has gone wrong. Be bold and don't be afraid of change. Think of solitude as freedom, and you will never be on your own for long.
How to understand that you are trying to please others, that you are not valued: signs
There are several clear signs that show that you are trying to please everyone:
- You get angry for no reason or act passive
- You are rarely happy with the situation
- Are you trying to suppress or are you being suppressed?
- You're always in a hurry for no reason
Again, if you can't please everyone, then nothing bad will happen. You definitely won't be left without friends. And if your friend did not communicate with you when you began to express your opinion, then you do not need such a friend. Although, you shouldn’t “cut from the shoulder” and “close all doors”, perhaps he will come to his senses.
You cannot define the boundaries of what is permitted
You always forgive others, because it is easier to do than to stand up for yourself. Even if others disrespect you, you make excuses for them. It is important to define your own boundaries of acceptable behavior so that you do not allow others to cross them with you. People who allow everything do not command respect.
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Boasting
If you constantly try to emphasize your strengths and ask for respect, then you are in a dependent relationship. The more you try to convince others that you are a good person, the more often you will receive refusal. Even if you really are.
You can show others that you are worth something only if you sincerely believe in it. If you know your worth, you won't need to prove it to anyone.
Fear of Rejection
You don't want to upset anyone, even if it means inconvenience to you. You pretend that everything is fine so that others won't worry if you're not happy with something. As a result, you are very often dissatisfied with what is happening around you.
Don't be afraid to say no. Even the best people in the world can try to take advantage of you if you let them. Help others only if you really want to.
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You think respect has to be earned
You agree that respect should be a result of action or behavior. As a result, you do not feel comfortable if your relationship with someone is equal because you strongly believe that respect must be earned. You think that a person has value only if they have done something.
The truth is that love or respect cannot be “bought.” Learn to love and be loved unconditionally, and your relationships with other people will become much easier.
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What happens when you change and stop pleasing everyone?
New "I"
It is often difficult for others to get used to changes and therefore there is no need to treat them too strictly. Just be gentle and don't apologize for your actions because you're not doing anything wrong.
It also happens that people do not accept changes and cannot learn to value your opinion. They are already used to it. There is no need to justify yourself to them. Usually they are scattered, but all the negativity is directed at themselves. They, like you, can suppress their desires to please others and believe that this is how it should be. What is required of you too. Gradually they will cope with your change, and you should reassure them and be more tolerant.
Sometimes certain actions have a negative impact on relationships at work. So, in order not to get involved in a conflict or showdown, you should come up with each of your actions. For example, if you refuse your boss, you will simply be fired. In this case, you can please him, even if you don’t like it. After all, it's your job. Also, don’t change your appearance too much, especially if you decide to go to the bank for a loan.
The fact that you decided to change is, of course, good, but you should not blame others for such a decision. It was you who wanted to change, and not under someone else’s pressure, but personally yourself.
It takes more than one day to understand your own desires. Practice is also important. For example, if your husband suggested ordering hamburgers for dinner, but you don’t want to, then think about what you want to eat yourself and offer to order it. Don't think that your proposal will be inappropriate, try to voice it.
In the end, you must learn that in pursuit of everyone's recognition, you can run into manipulation. Therefore, you urgently need to get rid of the desire to please everyone and then no one will be able to control you.
Ignoring one's own interests
You are used to adapting to the needs of other people, so it is difficult for you to understand your own desires. You yourself cannot decide what to do, so you always listen to outside opinions. If you are unable to make decisions and feel helpless, other people are unlikely to respect you. Learn to listen to your own desires and do not be afraid that you may offend others. Most likely, your fears are far from reality, and you can always find a compromise.
You look for the source of problems only within yourself
You automatically assume that everyone around you is right, except when it comes to yourself. You believe that you yourself are responsible for everything that happens around you. Remember that no one will thank you for this, but they may take advantage of you and make your life even more difficult. Finding the culprits is a thankless task. It will bring you neither love nor pity. Instead, focus your efforts on finding a solution to the problem.
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Restoring authority
It is impossible to immediately restore authority. But we need to take this course without delay. Gradual reforms are the key to success.
So, what is necessary in restoring respect from a wife:
- Be silent. Talk less, work more. Conciseness and poise immediately raise male authority.
- Determine her responsibilities. Give tasks (start with small ones), praise when she completes them, encourage her with small gifts if she does something bad or doesn’t do it - punish, but in such a way as not to lead to a scandal. Gradually transfer all women's responsibilities around the house to her;
- Develop a strategy for family development (ask about her dreams, desires, draw up a plan for their implementation, show that she will reach heights with you), constantly show the dynamics of development so that you do not look like an empty talker;
- Take care of children - sports, activities, walks, develop them, be a good father;
- Give your wife at least some personal time, especially for rest and sleep;
- Take on men's responsibilities around the house, demonstrate the importance of doing them, teach them to respect your work;
- Manage finances only by yourself, at least with your salary.
- Stop criticism of yourself. This is a taboo, a prohibition, a law, and its violation leads to disaster. You can always make suggestions, but you can’t condemn them. This opinion must be reinforced by any means (conversations, jokes, deeds);
- You need to let your wife know that you are taking the situation into your own hands. Constantly emphasize that you are the head of the family, and she is your beloved deputy.
- Dominate in sex, do it hard, actively, you can even do it with an animal roar;
It is very important to gradually move on to financial management, that is, to pay your salary in portions, to pay for utilities and large expenses into your own hands (if she previously did this). It’s difficult to do this right away if your spouse used to manage your salary, but at least gradually lead and prepare for this.
If the spouse works, she must bear part of the family expenses.
It is very important to start personal growth immediately
. Do push-ups, watch your figure, give up your family's panties and holey socks, smell good, be fit. The teacher must look ideal, behave ideally, control emotions and control the student.
First of all, open communication
It is worth having an educational conversation with a subordinate who does not want to obey. In its process, it is important not only to point out the consequences of failure to comply with management orders. It is important to ask what exactly the employee would like to get from you and from working in your company. Maybe the problem is not only the size of the financial reward, but also the need to reorganize some small things. Perhaps responsibilities in the department are distributed incorrectly. For example, one employee does the work for two others, who at this time only pretend to work.
And it is precisely this fact that causes resistance and unwillingness to obey orders. After all, you yourself were probably once a simple worker who knew well what needed to be improved, what points required increased attention. Try to find out and eliminate those things that cause rejection and irritation. This will show you that you are a real leader, and your employees will begin to treat you with more respect.
