If no one loves you: what to do, reasons, ways to solve the problem and recommendations from psychologists

August 28, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Maria Matselevich

Many people, especially girls, are concerned every day with the question “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” And this is not surprising, because such questions can worry anyone. These may be teenagers going through difficult moments in their lives and experiencing a great need for love.

The same question can be asked by an adult and accomplished person who daily faces misunderstanding from colleagues and superiors. And it is very important for everyone to understand whether they themselves are to blame for this, whether they should blame themselves. What is the way out of this situation, what should I do, withdraw into myself or give people more attention? But the main thing to understand is that it is impossible to please everyone without exception.

Basics

We are all different, and no one is perfect. In some ways we ourselves are worse, in others those who are trying to evaluate us are inferior. And if you are wondering what to do if no one loves you, then you should realize that in fact, every person is focused primarily on himself. And only by showing love, respect, and attention can you turn the attention of others to yourself.

Otherwise, it is not dislike, but lack of interest. From a psychological point of view, the whole world consists of egoists focused on their own tastes and preferences. And if you look inside yourself, you will realize that you are no different from others in this matter. And it is this selfishness that provokes you to desperately seek love, and it also causes a feeling of resentment from not finding it without doing anything to get it. So, what to do if no one loves you?

Path of solution. First step

First of all, it’s worth figuring out whether this is really the case. Of course, many who are looking for an answer to this question may immediately become indignant: “And if this were not so, why would we read about it?” But many simply miss the important things in their lives. Ask yourself, is there really not a single person on the entire planet who has tender feelings for you? After all, most likely the problem is that you are not getting the expected return in a particular society. And before you figure out what to do if no one loves you, it’s worth remembering about your family, friends, those you meet every day at work, school or in the store, it doesn’t matter.

The main thing is to analyze whether these people show you every day that you are not needed and unloved? Or do they still treat you good-naturedly, and there is simply no reason for panic and such serious conclusions? If you answer these questions honestly, you may be able to see that you are, in fact, loved, and that things aren't that bad. There are loving people near you. Of course, maybe there is someone who does not have the feelings for you that you expect from this person. But in order to solve the problem that has arisen, it is worth understanding how valuable it is that there are still those who care about you. And when doubts begin to torment you, remember these people, appreciate the time spent with them, encourage yourself with this.

Why doesn't anyone love me?

Psychology identifies many reasons why society rejects or does not accept a person. Let's look at the most basic of them:

A person is not able to stop joking in a timely manner. Many people want to seem funny, but are so carried away by their acting that they don’t even suspect that the interlocutor has long become bored and no longer wants to waste time on this insincere one-man show.
Negativism. We all ask each other how we are doing. Sometimes it's genuine interest, and sometimes it's just politeness. But there are people who cling to him as a lifeline, and dump all their problems and worries on their interlocutor. Few people would like to listen to this endless stream of negativity.
Arrogance turns people off just as much as any other reason. What to do if they don't like you? Stop showing everyone that you consider yourself superior to them.
Unavailability. Many people are so immersed in their own thoughts that they outwardly seem completely averse to communication.
Eternal excuses. They always scare people away and turn them negatively against you. Especially if, in response to a trivial question, you tell a whole story about what misfortunes happened and prevented you from accomplishing your plan. Just say the real reason, people respect openness and honesty.
You interrupt your interlocutor. Some people love to talk about themselves so much that they simply forget that they are having a dialogue, not a monologue. And they try to get their point across so confidently that they don’t even notice that their opponent has comments. Most often, people who are focused on themselves and in need of attention simply blatantly interrupt their interlocutor and do not give him the opportunity to speak. And few people will like such disrespect. Why should they listen to you if you don't want to listen to them?

Sexuality and romance according to modern psychologist Nikki Goldstein

It's no secret that love is directly related to sexuality and, accordingly, to orientation. In 1948, Alfred Kinsey first created a method for determining sexual orientation: hetero, homo and bisexual with varying degrees of expression. But today this scale does not in any way accommodate the orientations that have emerged over the past decades. Modern sexuality is a mix of limitless possibilities and various combinations.

Today's well-known sex psychologist Nikki Goldstein explains this by saying that today's youth are closer to themselves, recognize themselves better and are not squeezed by social stereotypes, like previous generations. Sexual and romantic attraction (and they are closely related) can be oriented in different ways:

Pansexuals are individuals who do not pay attention to their partner’s gender. They are attracted to a person by his personality, uniqueness, talent, and not anatomy. Therefore, they can experience love for both genders and for non-binary individuals (they do not identify as either gender).
Demisexuals are those people for whom communication, mutual understanding and friendship come to the fore, which over time develops into romance. Sex on the first date is unacceptable for them, and on the second and third. It is possible only after an indefinite period of time, when it is time to build a stable relationship.
Lithromantics are originals who “love to love,” but do not want to receive reciprocal feelings. They choose an object of adoration and burn with passion until he reciprocates. If this happens, lithromantics immediately lose interest.
Aromantics avoid confessions and other expressions of feelings. Aromantic is the name given to a person who, a priori, does not feel love for anyone. He simply does not know how to love, although he is constantly in search, because he believes that he simply has not yet found the right person. Here I would like to recall Alexander Poleev, who spoke about the excessive criticality of individual people and their inability to idealize someone, without which love is impossible.
Recipsexuals are capable of inflaming with love only in response. They are not in danger of suffering from non-reciprocal feelings.
Asexuals are people who deny sex, some out of conviction, others because of low libido. Often asexuals do not advertise their peculiarity, because they are afraid of being labeled “impotent”, “old maid” or similar. Accordingly, they shy away from love for the same reasons.
Graysexuals are not opposed to sex, but experience attraction occasionally. Their problems with starting romantic relationships have the same roots as asexuals.
Sapiosexuals are those who fall in love and are attracted only to people with a high level of intelligence. It can be difficult for them to find their person.
Cupiosexuals – it’s generally unclear with these. They love to have sex, but only with those they are not attracted to.
Digitalsexuals are fans of building relationships on the Internet who do not want to transfer them into reality.

If you noticed, the opinions of psychologists overlap. They point to similar reasons for individuals' inability to experience romantic love. The main thing in all of this is: does anything need to be done to correct the situation? If a person is comfortable living without love, then why change anything, rape the psyche just because “you have to fall in love.” If a person suffers, is looking for romance, dreams of falling in love, but nothing works out, then the problem needs to be solved. First of all, it is important to find out the cause, and only then move on to finding a solution. You can deal with this faster and easier by using the help of a psychologist. That's all I wanted to say. Goodbye.

No one has ever loved me as a girl

Many representatives of the fair sex, especially in adolescence, sometimes encounter this feeling. And at the moment of experiencing these emotions, the problem seems global. But in fact, such a conclusion arises at the moment when someone specific does not perceive you from the side that you would like. Each of us at least once in our lives heard from the person we like that we are just a friend or girlfriend for him. And in fact, there is nothing wrong with this, you just have to let go of the situation.

After all, if a person is truly dear, then no one will force him to do and feel what he does not want to experience only because of our selfish need for love. Most likely, you also do not notice someone who loves you, as the object of your adoration does not perceive you properly. Take a closer look at your surroundings, remember your friends of the opposite sex, and perhaps you will finally understand that that bouquet of roses in honor of graduation or that cake with tea was not at all friendly for one of you.

How to deal with isolation and loneliness

The critical inner voice greatly influences feelings of isolation, loneliness and social anxiety. As Dr. Lisa Firestone wrote in her article, “Ending Loneliness.” “It’s helpful to realize that loneliness is very much a state of mind, and unfortunately, that mind is essentially lying to us.” Loneliness is not necessarily a problem; it is a filter of seeing yourself as lonely that needs to be challenged. People who feel lonely tend to see the world differently. There are even certain structural and biochemical differences in the brain of a lonely person. Some of the psychological effects of feeling lonely include focusing on exclusion instead of inclusion. In other words, we are more likely to notice one time when someone doesn't invite us than five times before. Another effect is timidity. We may act timid with others, making it difficult to have clear or relaxed exchanges that lead to positive social outcomes.

Finally, loneliness can lead to misremembering. So, when we think back on our days, we may distort what people told us or how interactions happened in ways that perpetuate the perception of ourselves as isolated.

As loneliness researcher Dr. John T. Cacioppo said: “Lonely people are more likely to construe their world as threatening, hold more negative expectations, and interpret and respond to ambiguous social behavior in a more negative, aversive way, thereby confirming their perception of the world as threatening.” and not subject to them." Once again, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we begin to perceive the world as threatening or unaccepting, we are more likely to act in ways that alienate or alienate others. So, once again, to challenge our loneliness, we must challenge the negative filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We must accept our critical inner voice.

Self-esteem

If the problem is much deeper, and the person is really not loved by anyone on this side, then the reason may be his low self-esteem. Think about it, if you have been despising yourself for a long time and don’t take care of yourself, then how can other people do this? On an intuitive level, they feel your attitude towards themselves, and they have nothing to cling to, they simply thoughtlessly reject you the same way you reject yourself.

To solve this problem, you need to seriously take care of yourself, your thinking and worldview. Remember: if you don’t love yourself, then why should other people do it? After all, noticing your attitude towards themselves, at best they will feel indifference towards you, at worst - irritation. And every thought you have about how insignificant you are will be reflected in their head, provoking them to intuitively express their dislike for you.

Where does the “voice” come from that “nobody likes me”?

The critical inner voice begins to form very early in our lives. It builds on any hurtful negativity we were exposed to as children, especially from serious caregivers. For example, if a parent viewed us as lazy, helpless, or troublemakers, we tend to internalize these attitudes on an unconscious level throughout our lives. We also tend to be influenced by how our parents felt about themselves: if they were socially awkward or had low self-esteem, we adopt some of their self-critical perceptions as our own. Add to this the many other social experiences we have had where we felt humiliated, ashamed or rejected (a teacher who humiliated us in front of class, a bully at school who humiliated us every day) and we can see how our inner critic.

Problems from childhood

Most often, the question of why no one ever loved me is asked by people whose parents or guardians did not pay enough attention to them in childhood or planted attitudes in their heads that gave rise to seeds of doubt and similar thoughts. Even the most insignificant phrases like “You don’t know what’s best for you”, “Don’t bother, you see, mom is talking”, “Leave me alone with your nonsense” can provoke the realization that he is not really loved. What can we say about dysfunctional families, where parents really openly show their aggression and dislike to their own children.

Reasons for feeling a lack of love

Another risk area is single parents who decided at one time that they were having a child “for themselves.” This is a very dangerous moment, since the parent uses the baby as an excuse for why he does not dare to move on with his life, build relationships and lead a normal lifestyle. And at first, justifying their indecision by caring for the child, they shift responsibility for themselves onto him.

And when he grows up, he is blamed for the missed opportunities. And the suggestion begins: “I ruined my whole life for you,” “You are trying to drive me to a grave,” and the like. There are many of these suggestions. An adult who has not received the required dose of parental love, but is drowned in reproaches, feels that something is wrong with her, worries, but cannot get what she wants.

Reason 2. Still not over the previous romance

It is very difficult to be charmed by a new person when your former passion is in front of your eyes. Here you are going to a party, and here you are being treated together for another autumn cold. The soul is torn like nylon tights on a drunk woman. You can try to meet someone on Tinder, but every swipe feels like a slight betrayal. It’s like you’re stuck between two worlds: just yesterday you were happy, but you no longer hope for a call at night.

After a breakup, it can be so scary and difficult that the psyche uses all its strength to prevent this from happening again. As soon as a curious object appears on the horizon, an alarm starts blaring in your head at the highest frequencies.

When the boundaries of contact are burned, it is very difficult to trust again: what if they leave you again or reject you, or even worse?

Data from the American Psychological Association confirms that the breakup of a relationship that could develop into marriage has a critical impact on partners and reduces adaptation to later life. The simpler and more unambiguous the relationship, the easier it is to return to the starting point, but sometimes getting used to life without a partner can take more than one year.