This article is part of the One on One project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!
Some people make lifelong friends at school, others find them among colleagues or simply by chance. Our hero was less fortunate: he had trouble making friends since childhood. People whom he considered close disappeared from his life without a trace or let him down, and in the end he decided to rely only on himself in everything. He doesn’t regret it at all.
Denis
The hero's name has been changed at his request. 24 years. I've come a long way to feel comfortable being alone.
“I couldn’t be called the coolest guy”
I've never been the life of the party. But also for those who are constantly on the sidelines. If we draw a parallel with stereotypical American teen films, I was always between the main and secondary characters. I had some kind of social circle, but I couldn’t be called the coolest guy.
Before school, I was completely immersed in computer games. For me it was the most comfortable and safe way to have fun. My parents tried to socialize me, but they never pressed me: “Come on! Go to some club already!” They simply limited the amount of time I could spend in front of a screen, so I had to find some alternative. In fact, it was great, because without a computer I experienced boredom, which is usually called useful. She allowed me to come up with all sorts of different ways to have fun. I read books, drew, built my own comfortable little world.
Then I went to school, and a huge number of new people suddenly fell upon me, filling the stereotypical class: beautiful girls, nerds, hooligans.
Many children, unlike me, had already crossed paths before in preparatory courses. Therefore, I had to somehow maneuver between the formed groups.
Here my interest in video games worked to my advantage, because in elementary school all the boys played on the computer. During breaks, we constantly discussed who was cutting into what, exchanged CDs, and invited each other to visit.
But I didn’t have my own company. Almost every year I chose a favorite in the class - the person with whom I was most friends. We went to each other's houses or to the movies. Our parents knew each other. But such communication never lasted more than two or three years.
This may be due to the fact that in elementary school children develop especially quickly and their interests are constantly changing. Everyone left for the summer holidays as the same people, and arrived completely different. And every September 1st, it was as if we were all getting to know each other again. You could lock eyes with someone at a school assembly and understand: “Oh, we’ll communicate!” It happened completely spontaneously.
For example, in the fifth grade a boy named Anton came to our school. He was smart, with a good sense of humor. We had a lot of common interests, so we quickly found a common language. The only negative: Anton was always busy. He wanted to become a programmer, so he went to extra classes after school and could never just hang out. Over time, Anton became cramped in our school, and he went to another one.
Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
When you're in high school, things like this matter a lot. It seems that the person has gone to live in another world. Therefore, our communication immediately came to naught and we stopped being friends. The strangest thing for me was to realize that we didn’t quarrel - we just parted ways.
Reasons for lack of friendship
A person can be content with his loneliness if he is an introvert
If there are no friends, then this was most likely preceded by some event.
- A sad experience, the betrayal of a loved one. There may also be a love for the same person, which will turn friendship into enmity, or in the case when a friend reveals your secrets to a stranger.
- Lack of ability to maintain relationships with other people. Here we can talk about isolation, some character traits, a melancholic type of temperament.
- Fear of trusting a stranger.
- Selfish nature. It is difficult for a person to maintain connections with other people if he is completely fixated on himself.
- The person is an introvert. He practically does not need to communicate with others, as he finds complete satisfaction in his solitude.
“There wasn’t a single person I could write to and complain to.”
In high school, things got even more complicated. When you change companies frequently, new people tend to run out. Then you have to make a double effort to talk to those with whom you were once friends. Also, in adolescence, almost everyone develops a personal life, which mercilessly pushes friends into the background. This happened to me too. The lack of constant friendship has developed in me an unhealthy tendency to dramatize everything and seek relationships.
I thought: “Now everything is bad, but girls will appear and everything will change.”
Seeing in a relationship only a way to escape from non-existent troubles, I was actively looking for a girlfriend. And when he found it, he immediately became fixated on it, pushing other people away from him. For example, in the tenth grade I dated a girl. When we broke up, I realized that I had no friends at all. There was not a single person to whom I could write and complain about my problems. If I tried to talk about this with someone I didn’t know, people didn’t care about me at all.
Feeling the loneliness to the fullest, I wrote to my ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend because he was a roofer - he loved to climb onto the roofs of houses. I asked to introduce me to someone who was doing the same thing. He gave me a couple of phones, and two days later we were picking locks together to climb to the very top of the building.
It was a breath of fresh air. I learned that life outside of school can be completely different. Previously, I was surrounded mainly by refined children. All of them are parents’ daughters and sons from decent families who want to get good grades, learn languages, and enter the best universities. And then I encountered a world of completely different people. For example, one roofer had difficulties with speech and hearing, but at the same time he was the most fearless. If it was necessary to crawl along a cornice somewhere on the roof, he always took it upon himself. The other guy was the son of a criminal who was in prison for robbery. We communicated quite well outside the rooftops. He taught me to play the guitar, and I taught him English.
This roofing company brought me a lot of experience. Firstly, I saw a well-coordinated and strong team, united by a very stupid goal - to climb onto the roof and take a photo. This helped me understand that you don't have to be friends with someone to have good communication. Secondly, a group of motley roofers showed me that we were not on the same path as our classmates. I was no longer interested in them.
What to do if you have no friends?
There are never too many true friends, and without friendship, harmony in the soul cannot be achieved. And if there are such people in your environment, then you need to take care of them and reciprocate them. And if not, then you should look for new acquaintances. It's simple.
The topic is broad, but we have some universal tips that will help you make friends at any age. By putting them into practice, you will surround yourself with the right and pleasant people.
- Be yourself. This is important, maybe even the most important thing. There is no need to pretend to be anyone, the truth will still be revealed, and you will disappoint your new acquaintances.
- Always stay connected. Fortunately, now there are all the possibilities for this: telephone, SMS, social networks. Exchange impressions on the Internet, be sure to meet for a “cup of tea,” and plan joint leisure time. This way you will become closer to people. But remember, if you are ignored, there is no need to impose yourself. No one has canceled self-esteem!
- Clearly understand what exactly you value in other people, with whom it is more interesting and easier for you to contact. Based on this, look for friends.
- Don’t make hasty conclusions, don’t judge “by clothes” and trust gossip. The best thing to do is get to know the person better, and then decide whether you need to continue communicating with him or not.
Friendship is a mutually beneficial relationship. Offer help when you see that a person needs it. If this is a true friend, then you can count on help in return.
- And most importantly, don't take it too personally if someone loses interest in you. Perhaps these are not your people at all, and you need to continue the search. And if this upsets you or has already upset you, cheer yourself up! There is no place for melancholy in our lives.
“I decided to never rely on anyone again”
After school I entered university to become a psychologist. There weren't many guys studying with me, so we immediately formed a group and stuck together. The four of us talked for several years, then we split into two duets. How and why this happened - I don’t know. It's just that two guys stopped communicating with the other two. After graduation, we also cut off contact with the remaining classmate due to too different views on life.
The final disappointment in friendship came when I had already graduated from the university and tried my hand at directing courses. There I had a very good friend (as it seemed to me then), with whom we had common interests.
My final work was a web series, which the jury liked. They even gave me money to rent it. But there was a catch: I knew how to work well with my head, but I couldn’t organize everything. I needed a person who would take on such moments. I suggested this to my friend and he agreed.
Then I began to notice that things weren’t moving, and I wrote to that guy: “Where have you gone? We agreed that you would help.” To which he replied: “Sorry, I can’t, I have my own project.” It turned out that he was offered another job and he dumped me. If I hadn’t written to him, he would have simply disappeared without explanation. Although I put not only expectations on our project, but also money.
Then I realized that this was already the hundredth case when a person disappeared from my life without explanation. And it doesn’t matter whether we have any obligations to each other or not. I thought that this was out of the question, and decided never to rely on anyone again. After this, life became much simpler and more interesting.
Why difficulties may arise
It's much easier to make friends as a child
In your childhood, you made friends very easily; it was enough to play in the same sandbox or jump on a trampoline together. Now things are a little different. Why can difficulties arise and in general, it’s normal if there is no camaraderie.
- At a young age, friendships began literally out of the blue, with the slightest common views, for example, dislike for a certain teacher.
- There is no urgent need for new people to appear in your life. At an earlier age there was a need for social development.
- At an advanced age, it is more difficult to find a person who will fully meet your needs.
I feel good myself
Modern man lives in total time pressure: family, children, work, career, home. There is absolutely no time and energy left for friendly gatherings, new friends are not added, and old connections are not maintained. However, in such a situation, a person rarely thinks about why he doesn’t have friends, because he doesn’t have time for that either. And social networks often replace live communication. Nevertheless, an evening spent in a warm, friendly company is an excellent cure for stress, much more effective than another movie or computer game.
Therefore, do not be lazy to communicate - it will come back to you a hundredfold!
Are you jealous
If you feel jealous when your friend buys a new car / gets a promotion at work / starts a new relationship, it will almost certainly lead to problems - envy is very difficult to hide, sooner or later you will give yourself away. It's important to celebrate your successes with your friends and truly enjoy them.
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You're gossiping
If you endlessly discuss someone, people will sooner or later decide (guess it?) that you are getting under their skin too. To avoid this, do not speak negatively about others or spread rumors, and also show your interlocutor that you can be trusted with any information, because you are the “grave”.
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You complain a lot
If you constantly complain about your job, lack of money or unfair life, no one will want to spend time with you, because complaining will quickly become boring. Try to change your attitude towards life, think more positively and instead of talking about your problems, find more interesting topics to discuss.
Changing your social circle
To begin with, you should ask yourself the question: “Have things always been this way?” And here, for most, half-forgotten images of courtyard friends and buddies, schoolmates and girlfriends begin to emerge in their memory. Of course, years have passed, everyone’s life has turned out differently, and only common memories of childhood remain. This is the natural course of events. Rarely do people who were friends in childhood communicate for the rest of their lives. Maybe you once quarreled with a close friend and for this reason you have not communicated for many years? Then, it’s worth thinking about whether the reason for your discord is relevant and going for reconciliation, because time dulls many emotions.
You're going too far
Teasing your friends is a completely normal activity. But it’s no secret that sometimes people – unbeknownst to themselves – cross the line and begin to say and do things that are frankly offensive to the interlocutor, which are no longer perceived as a joke. Respect other people's feelings and build healthy relationships with them.
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Not inclined to compromise
There are people whose opinion should always be a priority in everything. In other words, they do not listen to the other person's point of view and consider themselves always and in everything right. It is not very easy to be friends with them, and rarely does anyone agree to it. A self-centered and selfish person is of little interest to anyone; he argues all the time, does not hear anyone, talks a lot, interrupts his interlocutor, and does not compromise. In this case, there is much cause for concern, since such a person is at risk of loneliness. Moreover, he will be extremely surprised by this state (he will not understand why everyone is ignoring him), discouraged and upset.
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Interaction with people often distracts from the process
Does a doctor working on a cancer vaccine need communication? Of course no. The same can be said for a writer who methodically creates his best novel. The work of these people is aimed at the final result and depends only on their knowledge, intuition and inspiration. Well, interaction with other people often distracts intellectuals from hard work. They get irritated when external influences can break their inner harmony. And this negatively affects the feeling of happiness.
