The loneliness of parents of children who have grown up and cut off ties with their parents’ home is a frequent problem. Of course, the older generation is trying to understand why their own child is so isolated from mom and dad. About this - on sympaty.net.
The question of why adult children do not want to communicate with their parents is painful for both parties.
Answer: because those adults who were once your kids can no longer comfortably interact with their parents in the “authoritarian adult – submissive child” model. The only way out is to gradually build a new, equal model, where no one patronizes or suppresses anyone.
What to do if an adult daughter does not want to communicate with her mother?
Irina August 11, 2022 at 04:15
You wrote all this about me.
We raised our daughter in love. She studied well, was very beautiful from childhood and therefore everyone always praised her, and we were proud. She started dating young people only after school. She behaved modestly. She got married for the first time at the age of 22, returned after 2.5 months, he beat her, but she continued to run after him. She left her husband the second time when the child was 3 months old. We accepted her, supported and treated both her and the child, he was born sick. I myself am disabled, there are ambulances almost every day, but I left the child, and sent her to work, because she did not get out of bed - she was depressed. And I am with the child day and night. At work, she perked up, began to make a career, and I and my child - around the clock, both at home and in hospitals. At the age of 4, he was already reading fluently. Mom was in no hurry from work, came late, watched TV series and went to bed. Then the grandson went to school, studied well: 1 B, and the rest 5 It was mostly me who worked with him. My mother occasionally helped me do some crafts. During this time, when she returned, we were pensioners and with her little help we bought three apartments. Both my husband and I worked part-time in retirement. I wanted to have one apartment for my daughter, but she didn’t want to, so she got on a waiting list at work. That’s how we lived. When my grandson was in the 4th grade, my daughter was introduced to a young man who was 5 years younger than her. He had never been married, before that he also met with a woman older than him and with a child, but she did not go to live with him. I asked my daughter not to say how many apartments we have, but she did not listen and not only did not say, but also took her and showed. He immediately proposed to her. They got together and began to live. He began to treat the child poorly. When his daughter was not insulted, he spoke hypocritically and affectionately in her presence. The boy became nervous, there was a nervous tic on his face all the time, he began to study poorly, he behaved poorly at school. my daughter she started beating him, he walked around with bruises, she constantly scares him, that she will send him to a boarding school, that she hates him, insults him like this: fagot, moron, bastard, bitch. And he loves his mother, but every day he behaves more and more disobedient. And she beats him for every slightest offense. And he affectionately calls his roommate: Igorechek, beloved, and the child is you. A creature like your father. He ran away one night from the house and walked to my grandfather and me. And he ran away more than once. I love him very much, but she blackmails me with this, does not let him come to us, says that I am teaching him bad things and that for her man she will tear everyone apart . She started demanding that I transfer my apartment to her, she agreed to lose the queue. This is her gigolo, who earns 2 times less than she, is putting her on. She has already begun to say that her grandson eats a lot, although he is thin, and her roommate after meeting her became fat and had a belly. She lives on her own money. He pays for utilities and gives a little for food. She doesn’t understand that she’s just a servant. She talks to me in a rude manner, insults me. If she brings food for our money, then she reproaches me for doing so much for my father and me. She said that if the grandson runs away from them, then I shouldn’t let him into the house, let him spend the night wherever he wants. I told her that I couldn’t leave the child on the doorstep. She calls me obscenities. I’m worried about everything that’s here all unhappy mothers describe. And all this began to happen when the child grew up, and we both began to get very sick. So she is always looking for a reason not to help us. She herself also began to get sick like a woman. She blames only me for all the troubles. In her absence, being sick and with a sick husband, I made major renovations in the apartment where we all lived in a modern design. I replaced all the furniture with modern ones. And although I am already over 70, and my husband is even older, I am not mentally retarded and my studies with the child yielded wonderful results. And with her he studies lessons until 1-2 o’clock in the morning with alternating beatings and they will get both 3 and 2. And one I don’t transfer money from apartments to her, since her swindler-roommate will definitely deceive her, lure her away from her and she will be robbed as always. The daughter still sees a competitor in the person of her own son, calls him my heir and says that let him help you. I had no intention of not signing anything for anyone, but seeing my daughter’s attitude towards her grandson and that she could give everything to a swindler for the sake of her vicious love, I decided that one of the apartments needed to be signed by my grandson. I think that the remaining 3 will be enough for my daughter. Otherwise, she ruined his childhood because of a dishonest guy and then he will peek at his mother, will she allow him to go live in one of the apartments, or will she rent them all out to keep the young extortionist . It’s too late to draw conclusions, but I regret that I bought these apartments. In retirement, I worked part-time where I could and my husband worked until he was 72 in several places. It’s very disappointing, I often cry, there are a lot of illnesses. I ask God to let me live a little longer to help my grandson study after school, since his mother and my daughter said that she is not going to bother him, let him go to work. And he has such a genetic disease that hard work is contraindicated for him. I write and cry. After all, I love not only my grandson, but also her. I remember the days when she and I lived amicably and well, and my heart is heavy... Yes, I gave my daughter two higher educations, although these were the most difficult years of perestroika Reply
Let's sum it up
The problem when adult children do not want to communicate with their parents is common. Among the reasons, sons and daughters usually name constant criticism, morality and teaching from adults, manipulation of health and pressure to feel guilty. Some people have an objectively bad childhood that evokes exclusively negative memories.
How to build relationships with children in this case will have to be decided by parents, since the problem when a child does not want to communicate concerns them.
Moms and dads need to distance themselves a little from their children, look at them as adults who will make mistakes and have every right to do so. Any morals and moral teachings should be removed. You need to ask children for help not for any reason, especially far-fetched ones, but when you really need it. Otherwise, continue to love and support them, accepting the fact that most of their time will be devoted to their new family anyway: wife or husband, children, and work.
Advice
Don’t rush to say “I can’t find a common language with my mother,” because this can be corrected. If your relationship is disrupted by the third stage, there is one hundred percent confidence that everything will work out. Surely you know exactly the source of your problems, so try to resolve them peacefully. Remember how you all got along great with each other all the time. Are you really going to let some ridiculous situation or temporary misunderstanding ruin everything? And even if your mother was wrong, try to forgive her for it. You still love her, so you can make allowances for her age, circumstances, or even the difficulties she has had to endure. Try to give in to your mother, because now that you yourself are an adult woman, this will be easy for you to do.
Advice
Psychologists regard the relationship with the mother as the main basis for building a person’s future happy life. We need constant communication like air. The situation described above is sure to change soon. Mom will eventually become the main person in your life again. But today we need to understand that time is fleeting and a mother’s life is not endless. If she feels unwanted and superfluous, this can provoke nervous diseases in her, which can speed up her departure. Even if you are very busy, try to call and visit your loved one regularly. Come up with a specific time when you will get in touch. Meet as often as possible, because someday you will remember these times with great trepidation and irreparable sadness.
Advice
First, try to understand that your mother wishes you only the best. Her advice is worth a lot, as you will soon be able to see for yourself when faced with similar problems or in the process of raising children. Secondly, the mother simply cannot come to terms with her secondary role and, in some way, helplessness. You need to understand this and help both of you reach a compromise. Try to tell your mom only about those problems in which you really need her advice. Talk to her as an equal, do not demonstrate immaturity and do not allow yourself to behave irresponsibly in front of your mother. By your behavior you must make it clear that not only the mother, but also you can give her useful advice. Soon you will get used to communication where everyone does not allow anyone to violate someone else's space.
Mom's enemy face
Children and parents are not always ready to understand each other. The older generation tries to maintain a hierarchy because they consider themselves more experienced and have seen a lot along the way. The younger generation either becomes infantile or tries with all its might to diminish the authority of their parents and become independent. Ideally, mother and daughter should support each other in both joyful and difficult moments. They are given the opportunity to become best friends who can share the experiences of their generations. If you and your mother do not have such a trusting relationship, try to understand at what stage in your growing up something went wrong.
Daughter's detachment
The relationship between mother and daughter can deteriorate due to the fact that the daughter has developed her own interests and simply no longer needs her mother. If you often catch yourself thinking that you’re not bored or forget to call, if you don’t need to sit with your mom in the evening over a cup of tea and just talk about any topic, then you have a different life in which there’s simply no place for mom . New acquaintances, business contacts, love stories have absorbed you entirely. And if you sometimes think about your mother, your conversation almost doesn’t go well.
Advice
All misunderstandings and childhood grievances must be left in the past. Today you are a fully grown person who can maturely analyze this situation. To begin with, abstract from your relationship and try to imagine your mother as your patient or adult daughter. Perhaps she simply was not ready for motherhood or did not know how to use this happiness. The child she had had disarmed her to some extent. Or maybe there were additional negative reasons why your mother did not devote enough time to you. Today you can fix everything, because you are not a defenseless girl. Try to improve your relationship with your mother, take a step forward, show her that you should not be afraid, reveal her love for you.
Criticism from my daughter
We sometimes don’t understand how adults can improve relationships with their mothers if the younger generation simply does not respect the older ones. Yes, there are situations when not only parents, but also children criticize. You often hear statements like this: “You haven’t achieved anything in life, and now you’re trying to tell me how to do it.” We try to evaluate the actions of our mothers, find mistakes in their behavior and do not hesitate to tell them about it. You need to understand that this is an extremely tactless position. All people can make mistakes. In addition, we are not always aware of the objective reasons for this or that behavior, since we did not witness everything that happened.
Advice
If nothing out of the ordinary has happened, when you no longer have the strength to forgive (although, believe me, this is temporary, you will soon realize that you can forgive your mother everything), approach your relationship philosophically. It’s time to forget the phrase “I can’t find a common language with my mother” and start building communication again. Perhaps you behaved badly and your mother simply could not reach you. Or she was not ready to understand and accept her daughter's growing up. Today this no longer matters, since you are adults who are able to understand each other. We all make mistakes in life, you just need to look at yourself from the outside or put yourself in the shoes of another person. If you couldn’t become friends with your mother then, do it now. You will certainly be able to understand each other, since you are on equal terms.
