The husband is a tyrant, the husband is a dictator. Is it possible to re-educate him?
“My husband constantly puts pressure on me, tells me what to do! If I have my way, he gets angry and stops talking to me. He believes that he is always right in everything. We often quarrel, but I can never argue with him. It’s probably better for us to separate...” This is roughly what women say about life with a tyrant husband. So: is divorce really inevitable, or can a dictator husband be re-educated? Acquaintance
Natalya is 32 years old, she is the director of a small atelier, she has a second marriage and a story quite typical for our topic. The husband, a successful businessman, not only makes decisions concerning both of them, but also manages Natalya: he says, for example, what color she should dye her hair, what jacket to wear with him for a walk in the park - and if she puts on a different jacket, then the husband stays at home, and in the evening there is an unpleasant “showdown” on this topic. Irina has a different situation (she is 28 years old, she does not work): more than ten times a day her husband calls her on her mobile and, according to Irina, “interrogates”: where are you now? with whom? When will you be home? why so late? where are you going to stop on the way? For what? How long will you stay there? And so on.
Road map
At first glance, it seems that the stories are similar: in both cases, on the part of the husbands we see an authoritarian dictatorial attitude, overcontrol, distrust, invasion of the wife’s personal space, disrespect for her opinion, inattention to her interests, indifference to her feelings. However, the easiest way is to say that it is not me, but my husband, who is to blame for the problems that have arisen between us, that he is bad and does not want to change. This position can be taken by both women and men; from the point of view of the result, there is practically no difference: maintaining a relationship without taking on any responsibility for the existing difficulties is not realistic. Moreover, the only conclusion drawn from what happened will most likely be that along the path of life I met the wrong person, that is, the wrong choice was made. Without denying the possible mistake in choosing a partner, it must be said with certainty that in a married couple both spouses contribute to the conflict and problems. And in order to not only resolve a specific conflict situation, but also, in principle, change the nature of the relationship (which is the goal of psychological work), it is necessary to clearly see what actions of a man and what actions of a woman destroy the relationship. It is then important to understand the motives behind these actions and then look for new, more constructive ways to meet the needs of each family member. But enough general reasoning, let’s return to Natalya and Irina.
Debriefing
A detailed conversation with Natalya clarified some important details of her family life. As it turned out, in her first marriage, Natalya had to take on the functions of a leader, become a person who solves all issues herself and takes responsibility for the entire family. After the birth of the child, such relationships finally ceased to suit Natalya; she divorced and married a man of a completely different type than her first husband. With relief and joy, she “threw off” the heavy burden of being the head of the family and transferred it to strong male shoulders. Now it was not she, but her husband who became the captain of their family ship, he made decisions, and Natalya was pleased with this state of affairs. This was only four years ago, but during this time Natalya was able to come a long way professionally. She received a law degree, changed jobs and, thanks to her abilities and hard work, became the director of an atelier. Such successes and reaching, in fact, a new level of life, had a positive impact on Natalya’s self-esteem, on her ideas about herself. She felt like a successful woman, an individual, the author of her own destiny. And this new sense of self came into conflict with the type of relationship with her husband that had developed from the very beginning of their marriage. Natalya felt that she now wanted to decide issues that affected her personally, and that in discussions of all family plans she had the same right to vote as her husband. For the latter, as you might guess, the changes in Natalya’s behavior came as a big and unpleasant surprise. Instead of “yes, of course, dear” and “whatever you say, beloved,” he began to hear more and more often from his wife the unusual “no, I don’t agree with this,” “I decided differently,” and even “you never know what You want". The husband, of course, was not ready to revise the “rules of the game” once established by both of them; he began to put pressure, insist on his own, accuse Natalya of inconsistency, flightiness, capriciousness, and so on. The relationship has reached a critical point.
Having studied Irina’s problems more closely, we also managed to discover something interesting. To do this, however, she had to invite her husband for a consultation. It turned out that not all of his questions to his wife can rightfully be considered “over-controlling.” The banal “Where are you?” in different cases it had different meanings: care (late evening), coordination of plans (will I pick you up?), clarification of the situation (is the grandmother with the child now?) and so on. There is no talk of any “super control” here.
Continuing to “decipher” my husband’s words and actions, we made another important discovery. It turned out that behind many of them there is the same, very simple and understandable desire: to be alone with your wife. Together. Without a nanny, without girlfriends, without parents. Only double. And we also did not find any “super control” in this.
But what actually happened was mutual misunderstanding, incorrect “reading” of messages, attributing to them meanings that were not the ones that their author had. And, as the practice of psychological counseling shows, such “misunderstandings” often lead to increasingly quarrels, with generalizations like “we speak different languages”, “we have different value systems”, “you don’t love me anymore”...
The path to agreement
Natasha and I carefully thought about and even rehearsed a little about her conversation with her husband. When it became clear that he was not an enemy, not a malicious despot, but only a person who did not adapt to the changes that had occurred with his wife and was unable to rebuild his communication style, the woman decided not to break off the relationship, but to go through negotiations. Since there was no opportunity to talk with Natalya’s husband, we assumed that the new reality he faced caused him negative emotions due to the threat of his wife leaving. It was on this score that Natalya had to reassure him, saying that her husband was still the closest and dearest person to her, that she had no intention of leaving him, that she wanted to save the family. And then, having relieved this anxiety, discuss the principles on the basis of which their relationship will henceforth be built.
And so it happened. The conversation was not easy, and it was not possible to resolve all the issues at once, but the first steps in the right direction were taken. Instead of attacking and defending, the spouses began to strive to reach an agreement and find compromise solutions that take into account the values and priorities of each of them. It was difficult for Irina to readjust and understand what meaning her husband actually put into the questions he asked her. Meeting the three of us helped. Together we examined in detail more than a dozen typical situations, and found out exactly what was meant in each specific case. In order to avoid erroneous interpretations in the future, we agreed that in unclear cases, Irina would ask her husband clarifying questions - not to be offended, not to reproach, not to quarrel, but to calmly find out the purpose of his questions.
I think that they will need such checks only for a while, until the emotions generated by incorrect understanding become a thing of the past. After all, the most important thing was done: the myth of supercontrol gave way to real life, real motives - yes, different every time, but quite normal.
Taming the Tyrant
So what: it turns out that the author denies the dictatorial habits of her husbands and justifies their ugly actions? Not at all. It happens that a man (and sometimes a woman) has such a difficult character for those close to him that “peaceful” interaction with him is very difficult. What can a psychologist advise their loved ones?
From the point of view of the science of the characteristics of people's characters - characterology, domestic tyrants are, as a rule, owners of the so-called epileptoid type of character. Based on the materials of the book by P.V. Volkova “Psychological treatment book. Diversity of human worlds,” let’s name the main features of these people: authoritarianism – the desire to dominate, the conviction that everything should be “as I said,” unwillingness to compromise, lack of self-irony, straightforwardness in thinking and in ways of achieving goals, “getting stuck” in negative emotions, strong natural instincts and drives.
Living in the same family with such a person is possible only if you respectfully understand and take into account the characteristics of his character. Since open confrontation in this case will not lead to anything good, it is worth clearly dividing family responsibilities in advance. Dialogue with a domestic dictator will be more constructive when he is in a relatively calm and relaxed state. But even then it will be psychologically wrong to tell him “head-on” that he is mistaken, talking nonsense, lying, etc. These words will be perceived as an insult, and the one who utters them becomes an enemy. You need to convince someone based on immutable facts and the opinions of recognized authorities and experts. Since the epileptoid values order and organization, for a conflict-free life with him, it makes sense for his loved ones to strictly fulfill their promises and agreements. And it is also very important to understand his main interests and priorities - and take them into account, because he will not do anything that contradicts them. As noted by P.V. Volkov, even compliments to such a person need to be done “carefully, based on real facts, presenting them as the result of his intelligence, professionalism, and determination.” Of course, close people cannot change the character of a dictator. Only a psychotherapist can help him, and only on the condition that the domestic tyrant himself asks for help. Nevertheless, we will briefly outline those areas in which changes are possible. First of all, the tyrant should learn to be more patient with the shortcomings of other people and not be angry with them for it. If an outburst of rage is “on the way,” the epileptoid needs to go to another room. He should also learn to relax and “let off steam” in ways that are safe for himself and others. After all, it is a person of this type who can strictly order himself to control his anger. And it is also important for him to rethink his style of communicating with people and understand that reducing authoritarianism and increasing democracy will have many positive consequences, including strengthening relationships.
Ilya Shabshin's blog
How to regain respect
Psychologists assure that there are tips on how to make a husband respect and appreciate his wife . You shouldn’t demand something from your spouse, you need to start with yourself.
Be self sufficient
A man will not respect a woman who depends on him. If you don’t have your own home and income, then he will have the feeling that you are not going anywhere. In such a situation, you can forget about respect. You must have your own income, savings, housing. A man must understand that you will not be lost without him, and then he will appreciate you. The same applies to emotional dependence. You should have other interests in life; you should not completely dissolve in your spouse.
Respect your husband
If you expect respectful treatment of yourself, then you yourself must respect your husband. Don’t raise your voice at him, don’t compare him with other men, don’t criticize him, don’t devalue him.
Don't try to please
If your husband constantly criticizes, then do not try to please him in everything, to improve in everything. Don’t think that if you change everything to suit his wishes, then someday he will stop and be happy with everything. He will endlessly find new reasons for criticism.
Look at the real attitude
You should not evaluate your spouse by his past actions and words, or by his promises for the future. Just look at how he behaves at the moment.
React immediately
Many women are afraid to show that something has offended them, because they have a fear of losing their spouse. But, if you do not react immediately, his behavior will rapidly worsen. By your silence, you give him permission to behave inappropriately towards you. Also, you should not show your grievances after your relationship has improved, otherwise the man will think that his good attitude towards you only spoils you. Immediately pull back and give a negative reaction when a man offends you.
Contact a psychologist
If you are unable to regain your husband’s respect on your own, and you want to save the relationship, then you should contact a specialist. He will help you soberly assess the situation and save the marriage.
