Confidence is a vital personality trait. What does it give to a person? Firstly, a feeling of happiness. Anyone who has low self-esteem is prone to constant self-criticism and doubts about their actions. It is not surprising that in such cases life flies by and there is no need to talk about happiness and success. A self-confident person has a positive assessment of his skills and abilities, which means he can more easily achieve his goals.
In this article we will talk about what causes self-doubt and analyze effective methods for increasing self-esteem. First, let's talk about the concept of “self-esteem” and its functions.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is a person’s understanding of himself, his qualities, feelings, positive and negative sides. This is an awareness of the importance of one’s personality and one’s actions in society.
Self-assessment performs the following functions:
- Regulatory - allows the individual to make his own decisions.
- Developmental - encourages a person to develop.
- Protective - ensures stability and independence of a person.
- Emotional - helps to feel satisfied with one’s qualities and other characteristics.
- Signal - shows a person’s true attitude towards himself.
- Adaptive - helps to adapt to the environment.
- Predictive - controls activity at the start of the task.
- Corrective - allows you to regulate the process of completing a task.
- Retrospective - gives you the opportunity to evaluate your activities and behavior at the end of the task.
- Motivating - encourages you to act in such a way as to receive praise.
- Terminal - forces you to stop any actions if self-criticism and dissatisfaction with yourself appear in the process of their implementation.
In essence, self-esteem is a person’s opinion of himself, which can be influenced by others: family, friends, work colleagues.
It is important to distinguish adequate self-esteem from self-confidence. Self-confidence is an overestimation of one’s importance to others, arrogance. Adequate self-esteem is the correct balance of one’s own strengths and goals, the most accurate assessment by a person of one’s skills and qualities.
Low self-esteem manifests itself in excessive self-criticism, self-doubt, and shyness. It is difficult for such people to communicate, they are often prone to depression.
Correct self-perception is a healthy assessment of your strengths and weaknesses, a competent presentation of yourself to society and, of course, self-love. A confident person focuses his attention on successes and conducts a constructive analysis of his mistakes without unnecessary self-examination and criticism.
An important point: if a person wants to be loved, he should first love himself. According to psychologists, people are drawn to successful and self-confident individuals.
Let's look at the typical signs of low self-esteem in the next section.
How to become a confident woman
How do you imagine a confident woman? She is attractive, has beautiful hair, has perfect posture and an hourglass figure. Such women force you to follow them with your gaze. How to become the same?
Above we wrote about points that will help increase self-esteem, but we practically did not touch upon appearance. But it plays a huge role in matters of self-confidence. Yes, accepting yourself for who you are is normal and important, but what if it concerns your health?
Our posture greatly influences how other people perceive us. People with beautiful, straight backs always enjoy great success. But how to correct your posture?
This is where a roller comes to the rescue. Watch a video on how to lie on it correctly:
There is also a great exercise for the back with a foam roll:
Signs of low self-esteem
What signals a person with low self-esteem? There are several classic symptoms of low self-confidence:
- Constant anxiety and fear of making a mistake, due to which all important matters are postponed “until better times.”
- Excessive criticism of oneself, comparing oneself with others.
- Reliability. Behind this lies the desire to please and please others.
- Envy towards other people.
- Painful perception of the evaluation of others.
- Pessimism, negative outlook on life.
- Jealousy.
- Self-pity, positioning oneself as a victim.
- Presence of problems in communication, fear of new acquaintances.
- Stiff movements, stoop, hesitant speech, etc.
A person with low self-esteem takes all failures in life for granted, which creates incorrect behavior. In this case, others also begin to evaluate him negatively, which can lead to depression.
It is important to understand that there are certain reasons behind such self-perception. Let's look at them in more detail.
Physiology and Self-Esteem Research
Levels of self-esteem at the extreme upper and lower limits can be critical; balancing somewhere in the middle is considered ideal. A realistic but positive view of oneself is generally considered ideal.
Research suggests that parental involvement and willingness to give teens independence and autonomy have a positive impact on self-esteem. And children raised in single-parent families, in families of alcoholics and drug addicts, people suffering from phobias, as a rule, have low self-esteem.
High self-esteem serves mental stability and positive adaptation. People with high self-esteem are happier, more optimistic, and more motivated than people with low self-esteem.
Brain scans show that if our self-esteem is higher, we are likely to experience less negative emotions from breakups, rejection, failures, and bounce back faster. Experience less depression, fear and anxiety. Our body releases less cortisol when under stress, and cortisol itself breaks down faster and is less retained in the body.
Reasons for low self-esteem
According to psychologists, several factors can influence a person’s self-esteem: relationships with parents in childhood, assessment of others, fixation on a specific failure, appearance. Let's look at typical reasons.
Comes from childhood
Often parents surround their child with overprotective care, fearing that the child will take the wrong step, fall, or hurt himself. This influence creates a feeling of helplessness and ineptitude in the child, making him completely dependent on mom and dad. The result of such upbringing is that in adult life it is difficult for a person to make a decision and do something on his own.
The child also takes an example from his parents: if he sees that mom or dad are unsure of themselves, then they will reproduce this behavior in the future. For example, mom allows insults in her direction from her father, or dad doesn’t stand up for mom in controversial or dangerous situations, because unsure of his abilities.
Another reason comes from childhood - the lack of love of parents for the child and constant comparison with someone not in favor of the baby. This is the opposite of overprotection. The child is not noticed, is not given due attention, or, even worse, is offended and physically abused. As a result, the child loses faith in his own strengths and abilities. Such situations make a child a “difficult” teenager in the future.
Negative experience
In life, each of us has moments when we fail in business. This could be an unfulfilled relationship, betrayal by a friend, or a fiasco at work. And here it is important to adequately assess the situation, and not excessive self-criticism. Often a person becomes fixated on bad experiences and begins to avoid making decisions.
By the way, failures in childhood can cause serious psychological trauma to a child, which affects self-esteem in the future.
Influence of others
Society plays an important role in the formation of self-esteem. Where initiative and independence are not valued, confidence in the individual will not develop.
Excessive criticism of other people has a particular impact. If a person is initially weak-willed, then criticism has a detrimental effect on him: he gives up, becomes withdrawn, and lacks the desire to do anything. Often, weak-willed people deliberately begin to criticize themselves in public. Their goal is to get their words refuted and increase their own importance. In this case, it is important not to support the opinion of such a person, but to encourage him.
Communication with manipulators also contributes to a decrease in self-esteem. It is important for them to impose their opinion, to gain power over a person by instilling a feeling of self-doubt in their victim and extolling their importance.
External data
Dissatisfaction with one's appearance or the presence of visible pathologies are often the reasons for ridicule by peers and unhealthy criticism from others in adulthood. For example, if a woman is ashamed of her excess weight, then any statements on this matter from the outside will be perceived especially sharply and can even lead to depression, when for a self-confident woman criticism is a reason to become even better at something.
This is the case when it is again worth reminding of a simple truth: love yourself, and others will love you.
Whatever the reason for your loss of self-esteem, there are excellent methods that you can use to restore your self-confidence. Let's talk about the most effective of them.
Confidence. A clear guide to getting rid of fears, complexes and anxieties
Caroline Foren
Publishing house Alpina Digital, 2019
How we evaluate ourselves and how we see ourselves determines everything that is discussed in this book - confidence, courage, fear of failure, success - absolutely everything. For me, a person's self-confidence and ability to act bravely at any moment are determined by what he thinks about both himself and his character. Please note: self-esteem is not the same as self-confidence, it is a sense of self-worth.
Self-confidence is associated with action. You can even say that it is all based on action (remember, we mentioned the expression “depends on the subject area”?), While self-esteem is a broader phenomenon. It reflects how you view yourself in the world - are you a worthwhile person?
This is your opinion about yourself, and it is located somewhere in the back of your mind. You don't think about it every day and you don't tend to change your point of view without conscious effort, but that doesn't mean it's unshakable. According to Dr. Neil Burton, author of Heaven and Hell: The Psychology of the Emotions, self-esteem is a conscious and emotional assessment of one’s importance in the world, the basis of which is different for everyone.
For one person, it is based on the approval of others. For others, at their own work. For others, it’s in their personal lives. When developing self-confidence, it is useful to also pay attention to self-esteem.
If you have healthy self-esteem (that is, you consider yourself a worthwhile person and love yourself regardless of your achievements), it will be easier to develop confidence
What is the difference between healthy and low self-esteem? Psychotherapist Mark Tyrrell argues that if you have healthy self-esteem, you attribute failure (failure at an interview or failed romance) to circumstances (for example, “Our relationship has run its course” or “I don’t have enough skills for this job”) and these conclusions do not affect your personality. On the other hand, with low self-esteem, you attach a universal dimension to these events (for example, “What is wrong with me?”, “Life is not good,” “I am no good for anything,” “I am not meant to be happy,” “I Nothing works for me”, etc.). “Then,” says Tyrrell, “we are dealing with a type of maximalism, a type of thinking that recognizes only black or white, all or nothing, and this lowers self-esteem.”
I myself noticed that after some failures (when events did not turn out the way I had hoped), I questioned the value of my own personality. This is very bad. At the same time, pay attention to the wording “healthy self-esteem,” as opposed to “high self-esteem.” Tyrrell explains that self-esteem should not be inflated, because then it is most often combined with low self-control, which can often be observed in psychopaths. “If you believe that no matter what you are blameless (and therefore always someone else’s fault), such a fantasy is no better than low self-esteem.”
This is as fruitless as self-deprecation. Tyrrell continues: “Self-esteem is a by-product of meeting emotional needs and a healthy habit of self-observation and introspection, calm and sober.” So if you evaluate yourself after an unfavorable turn of events, you probably won't be too kind to yourself. So instead, focus on the circumstances. Of course, there are people who are confident but have low self-esteem (think of a celebrity), but more often than not, confidence comes much easier if you have healthy self-esteem. Moreover, if you do everything right in this direction, fear of failure will not turn into a colossal problem for you.
Ask yourself: If I fail or succeed, is it related to my sense of self-worth? Ultimately, you need to figure out whether success or failure in something is related to your perception of your own self-worth. Know that just like uncertainty in relationships, fear of failure increases when we feel that failure is a reflection of our personality traits. Some people, Tyrrell says, view everything that happens to them in life through the prism of their own worth. Are you that kind of person? Don't worry, I'm also trying to convince myself that I'm not like that. It's hard. Breaking this habit requires a kind of art.
Whether you are burned out on a particular business or not is not a reason to change your attitude towards yourself. To gain insight into your self-worth and how you perceive your own worth, ask yourself what matters most to you and how you define success. If the answer lies in the area of professional achievements, then everything is very neglected. If you feel that you are happy and life has meaning only when you achieve success, and without this you feel like a worthless person, then you need to reconsider your values. Because life consists of inevitable ups and downs with long neutral periods in between. This will be a constant obstacle for you. I'm not saying that professional goals don't matter—they mean a lot to me, for example—but they're not what make me a naturally good (I hope) and worthwhile person. If, no matter how things go, you value yourself equally, then failure becomes much easier to handle because confidence becomes less of a nebulous matter and takes on tangible characteristics.
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Effective methods to increase self-esteem
The most important step on the path to self-improvement is to recognize that there is a problem. Often a person disguises it behind other feelings and deliberately avoids resolving the issue. As soon as awareness comes, you can safely move on to the following methods of increasing self-confidence:
- Keep a diary of achievements. This step does not require any serious financial or time expenditure. It's simple: at the end of each day, take 10-15 minutes to write down your small and big victories that happened to you today. Maybe you read a book or finally got up an hour earlier than usual? You can always find a reason to praise. This will help you develop a positive mindset every day and focus your vision on personal success. It is important to re-read your notes daily.
- Change your environment. Evaluate those with whom you communicate most often. If there are negative people in your circle, refuse to interact with them. More often you are in the company of positive and successful people who are confident and have a positive attitude towards you.
- Play sports. The best way to distract yourself and clear your thoughts of negativity is physical exercise. In addition, if low self-esteem is associated with external data, sports will help you get in shape. By the way, during sports, our body produces the hormone of happiness - dopamine.
- Give up self-criticism and soul-searching. You won’t be able to increase your self-esteem if you constantly scold yourself for something or constantly express dissatisfaction with your appearance and abilities. Praise yourself more often and think positive thoughts.
- Avoid comparisons. Each of you is a unique person with your own individual set of qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Remember that there will always be those who have achieved greater results than you. In this case, it is worth taking an example from them, and not engaging in self-flagellation. Better yet, compare yourself today with yourself yesterday, and track your growth by recording your achievements in the diary we talked about above.
- Listen and say affirmations. Affirmation is a positive judgment that creates the right psychological attitude. These are our statements and beliefs, thoughts, feelings and desires that we want to have right now. It is important to formulate affirmations in the present tense. For example: “I have a prestigious and highly paid job”, “I am beautiful and healthy”, “I am a happy person”.
- Get out of your comfort zone. Yes, many people have heard about this method, but not everyone decides to do it, because it’s so comfortable and safe to be in your “shell.” Face your problem. Do you feel insecure when you are in a new company? Visit crowded places and events more often and be the first to start a conversation. Our online program “Best Communication Techniques” will be an excellent assistant for you, where you will learn how to interact more effectively with people thanks to interesting communication techniques. You just have to take a step and you will understand that everything is not as scary as it seemed at first glance.
- Attend trainings. There are many different training activities aimed at increasing self-esteem and gaining self-confidence, so all you have to do is choose the one that’s right for you. If you are not yet ready to take the training, watch a movie or read a book on a current topic.
- Forgive yourself. Uncertainty is often a consequence of feeling guilty about oneself. None of us are immune from mistakes, and it is important to be able to forgive ourselves for them. Write yourself a note and tell in it about your feelings, emotions, thoughts, problems, failures, and be sure to forgive yourself in writing for everything for which you feel guilty.
- Meditate. Meditation helps you completely relax physically and let go of your thoughts. There are many different techniques aimed at getting rid of self-resentment and achieving peace.
Self-confidence is not an innate quality, but rather formed in the process of life. Your main task on the path to healthy self-esteem is to love yourself, learn to believe in your own strength, which is only possible through daily work on yourself and your thoughts.
Do what you love, do not deny yourself small and big joys, always think about the good and then everything will work out!
Good luck!
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- Self-criticism
- The Complete Guide to Self-Confidence
- Three masks of pathological narcissism
- Conditions for character formation
- Formation of correct self-esteem
- Formation of self-awareness
- How to increase self-esteem: practice from the field of NLP
- Self-love and self-acceptance: the foundation of a happy life
- Psychological picture
- Overcoming impostor syndrome
Key words: 1 Communication, 1 Psychoregulation
Self-esteem test - determine the level of attitude towards yourself today
Answer the following few questions. If the answer to most of them is positive, then it’s time to start working on yourself and change your attitude towards yourself. Go.
- Do you compare yourself to other people and always lose?
- Are you jealous of other people?
- Do you often complain about life and feel sorry for yourself?
- Do you live in the past, cherishing good moments, or yearning for missed opportunities?
- Do you feel like your loved ones don’t value you or your work?
- Are you experiencing difficulties in romantic relationships?
- Are you afraid to meet people and think that you are not worthy of true love?
- Constantly wondering what others will think?
- Do you find it difficult to make decisions, do you always doubt whether you are making the right choice?
- Is it hard for you to refuse people their requests?
If most of these questions seem crazy to you, then your self-esteem is fine. And if you see yourself in them, then you understand perfectly well how much this poisons life, and that it’s time to change it.
