Hello, dear readers! Any separation, be it reluctance to date after 3 weeks of dating or divorce after 10 years of marriage, is a sharp and painful change in life. Especially if there were real feelings in the relationship, there was passion, love, and then these feelings simply disappeared for the initiator of the break. Scientists have long been trying to derive a universal formula that would help the abandoned party understand how long it takes to survive a breakup with a loved one, but people are so different that this is a particularly difficult task.
But although the task is complex, experts have already prepared more than one scenario that allows them to at least approximately calculate the time for the end of suffering. And psychologists are always ready with useful advice on how to bring the day of liberation closer. It is also useful to remind everyone who has “freed themselves” from a relationship that there is life ahead, and the ex is not the center of the Universe. At least, this is where a psychotherapy session begins for those who are looking for an urgent “pill” that relieves mental pain. We’ll talk about everything in order in this blog article.
First of all…
Before moving on to calculations about how long suffering lasts after a breakup, it’s worth literally calming down. You need to learn how to behave correctly after a breakup, and then you will have the opportunity to choose whether to agree to restore the union or continue your path, non-toxically ending an outdated relationship. It is necessary to organize in the head and heart the chaos that formed after the words of the partner. And this is possible only by understanding the psychological mechanisms on which any union is built, to identify and realize the mistakes made.
It’s easier, of course, to go to a psychologist who will methodically help you overcome internal attitudes, but if you try, you can understand 3 important things on your own:
- Parting is far from the end of life.
- Time, which drags on so painfully, actually only works for you.
- The only correct behavior now is to leave your ex-partner alone.
And then comes something more complicated. You need to understand, and most importantly, accept that the person no longer needs you, has completely abandoned you, abandoned you. You need to feel resentment, pain, those feelings that will help you pull your own dignity from the bottom and stop calling, writing, scrolling through your feed and in every possible way energetically feeding your ex. You need to disappear completely from social networks, from places where you can cross paths and finally forget his number. Now calls only cause disgust and hostility, and this time must be waited out in silence.
It is clear that too little time has passed since the breakup, the pain does not go away, it presses, but at this time the partner is also subject to universal laws. So, while you are away, time erases everything bad from his memory, interrupting him with happy and alluring nostalgia. After just 3-5 weeks, he will begin to remember you more often and even miss you. And the longer the silence remains, the more he is pulled back. That is why correct behavior is so important, to let natural processes take their course. And what is important, when He (she) writes, and He (she) will definitely do it, it is necessary to continue to remain silent for some more time. Several retries for sure.
How to get rid of mental pain - advice from psychologists
This does not mean that all wounds resulting from a bad sexual experience will be immediately healed. God forgives, but some of the natural consequences of your sin may remain.
If a man drunkenly crashes into a telephone booth, crashes his car, and breaks his arm, he can turn to God with a prayer of repentance and receive forgiveness, but he will still have to go to the doctor and have his car repaired. Thus, repentance does not completely remove the scars of mistakes. What should we do with these scars?
The Bible teaches us to be honest in everything. If you have been sexually active in the past and are now planning to get married, you should be honest with your potential husband or wife. There should be no skeletons in the closet in married life.
What happened, happened, and nothing can be done about it! Your chosen one must know the whole truth about you, otherwise there is no point in starting a family with him. Reveal your cards. Accepting each other for who you really are is an essential condition of a marital relationship.
Additionally, before you can be accepted by a potential spouse, you must accept yourself and overcome your past. If, say, you feel an aversion to sex because of a bad experience, you shouldn’t hide it and act like nothing happened. To deal with heartache, acknowledge the problem and try to solve it.
You may need psychological help, which also includes spiritual healing. For a Christian, it all begins with a deep study of Scripture. Your attitude will change because the biblical view of intimate relationships between spouses is positive.
This is great, healthy sexual intimacy, plus it's God's design. Knowing the truth in this matter will free you from a negative attitude towards it. Thank God and ask Him to give you feelings that correspond to the truth.
You are not doomed to an unhappy marriage because of past mistakes. You will just have to go through some heartache and remove some stones from the path that would not have been there if you had followed God's perfect plan from the beginning. But don't be sad, because Jesus came to remove our weaknesses and help us reach our potential!
We have discussed with you the pillars on which marital unity is based. If sex is your only goal, then everything we talked about earlier will seem unimportant to you. If all you want out of marriage is good food and bills paid, find yourself a partner that suits you.
If you dream of harmony and unity in your married life, check whether you have a strong foundation for this. Do not marry until you have sufficiently strengthened the foundation to support the burden of a lifetime of commitment.
Recent studies show that 87% of single people who have never been married want to get married once and for life.” They witnessed their parents' divorce and do not want their experience to be repeated. The first step to a happy, long-lasting marriage is choosing the right spouse.
"Magic" formula
If you have already dealt with incorrect behavior after a breakup, if there is no turning back or the relationship was toxic, and you yourself understand this and do not want to go back, but still love, then you need to look for options on how to come to terms with the breakup. Here, for the most pedantic, experts have come up with a formula. There are no practical reviews on how true it is, but just for fun, you can calculate the outcome.
So: x/2 + j + (lt) + k/2 + r, where
- x - time spent together;
- j is an indicator that depends on the reasons for the gap, so if everything is extremely clear and explainable, j = 0, if not, then j = x/3;
- l - depends on the type of character, for soft and whiny ones we set 4, for “flints” 0;
- t - characterizes the presence of a new partner, if there is one t = x/3, if still single, then t = 0;
- k is the number of visits to scroll through his social media feed per day;
- r - those who block the sending of personal messages for the ex, then open it, r = 3, who have decided on this approach and do not change anything r = 0.
Total: the result should be a number indicating how much time it still takes to move on from a breakup.
How long can depression last and what are the dangers of depression after a breakup?
How long can depression last after a breakup? The situation depends on the following factors: willpower, emotional state, desire of the person himself, state and type of nervous system.
Factors aggravating the situation: memories and desires associated with the partner. Thoughts about the past are destructive in the present. The desire to return everything back slows down the rehabilitation process - the person gets stuck in his depression.
Conclusion: depression after a breakup will last as long as the person himself is ready to live with it. There was a desire to get out of a depressive state - it will take no more than a month. To do this, you need to take a number of steps.
Depression and suffering are justified, and they cannot be avoided by a person who loves, but has experienced the betrayal of a partner. A sudden and painful breakup inevitably entails difficult and depressing thoughts. People who did not expect separation and did not have the opportunity to prepare for an unpleasant situation suffer especially. Did the breakup happen because of a love triangle? Depression after a breakup risks prolonging.
You yourself regulate the speed of “recovery” from an ended romance or marriage. Stop looking for meetings with your ex-partner, thinking about him, stalking him on social networks, and the like. Make a decision to get out of the current situation.
Causes of long suffering
For those who think more logically and do not believe in generalized calculations, like horoscopes, it is worth turning to analysis. Psychologists have identified a number of factors that directly affect the duration of the most profound experiences. After all, each person is unique, as are his feelings. Here is a list of reasons, equally relevant for both guys and girls, which, according to experts, prevents you from getting over a breakup with the person you love:
- Obsessive thoughts.
Scrolling through your head of a possible scenario for the development of events, nightly hysterics due to melancholy and loneliness, constantly checking your email and profile will not allow you to get out of the whirlpool of pessimism and mental pain. As long as the ex remains “the one and only,” the feeling of futility and lack of hope will continue to be present for years.
Solution: accept the situation, admit to yourself honestly that it was not you who did the wrong thing, but your partner simply stopped having tender feelings.
- Catastrophization.
He/she left and the world collapsed, the sky became cloudy and things couldn’t get any better. Every day the worst scenario of a lonely old age plays out in my head; I have no desire to take care of myself, go to work/study, or communicate with friends.
The solution: turn the flow of thoughts into a different direction, force yourself to get up in the morning and go where you can find pleasure. This could be a skydive or a cooking class. You need a hobby, passion.
- The illusion of reunion.
The thought that this is just a test, and everything will soon get better like in the Brazilian series, gives false hope. You need to learn to let go and honestly admit to yourself that everything is over and nothing can be returned. But this is not bad, it is a step into the future that we ourselves do not allow ourselves to take. Staying faithful and waiting for the cherished call is like putting yourself in prison.
Exit: cut off all contacts, including casual meetings.
- Refusal to help.
Few people know how a married man feels when his mistress leaves him. And why? Because he cannot tell anyone about his experiences, no one can give him a different point of view, show him the situation from the outside. Those who have separated officially, publicly, can use the advice of loved ones. Just don’t stand on your hind legs when you hear something you don’t want. From the outside, mistakes can sometimes be seen much better.
Exit: close friends will be a vest only the first time, then there will be a series of analysis and unflattering words and comments. You need to listen to them and not isolate yourself.
Why are you in so much pain
Scientists have noticed Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain: when a person looks at a photograph of a former partner, the insula and somatosensory cortex are activated in his brain - the structures responsible for transmitting information about physical pain. Their activation can predict the presence of pain by 88%.
A person with a broken heart does not feel physical pain, but at the same time experiences mental or, if you like, mental pain.
Just like physical pain, mental pain cannot be ignored; there is no way to drown it out with painkillers or eliminate the cause.
Is everything really so hopeless and only time can heal a broken heart? It is true, but at least you can do something to alleviate this condition.
And I love a married man...
Every fairy tale has its ending. Once you become a lover, you have to pay for it. Some pay with wasted years, others with shattered nerves and lost self-esteem. In any case, statistics inexorably paint prospects that make you want to run away from your married man. So, out of the total number of extramarital affairs, only 5% of men leave their families for the sake of a mistress, and no matter what he says about love and eternity.
So how can a girl survive a breakup with a married man whom you love with all your heart? Just open your eyes and really realize all the disadvantages of such a connection:
- a feeling of loneliness and deception that does not leave the soul for a minute;
- constant secrets and encoding - it is impossible to call at any time, ask for help, or invite you to visit;
- sex on both sides - leaving at night, he goes to bed with his legal wife, and perhaps continues the act of love;
- lack of future - he will not leave his family for the sake of his mistress; with a married man there are no prospects, there is only wasted time;
- sex toy - try asking a man to clean a drain or fix a cabinet, and his facial expression will make it clear why he really comes in the evenings.
And, by the way, if you yourself are the initiator, then the feeling of pain will be completely balanced by pride in your action and a feeling of freedom.
Realize that nothing in this world lasts forever, including mental pain
“This too shall pass” was the inscription on King Solomon’s ring. As the legend goes, he received the ring as a gift at a young age. The king had to go through many difficult moments and the inscription on the ring helped him realize that even the most difficult periods do not last forever. Life is very fluid, everything changes every second. The person who was yesterday is no longer the same as today. Neither joy nor sadness can last forever.
It is human nature to prolong his suffering by dwelling on the past, on memories, on his mental pain.
Try to remember other unpleasant moments from your life that no longer evoke any emotions in you, and previously you worried about them for a long time. Realize that at that moment it also seemed to you that the world had collapsed. But everything has passed and it no longer bothers you. The pain you are experiencing now will also pass in the same way. It will definitely pass.
This is interesting: The fight against depression - we describe it in detail
Psychology of a married man
Having put an end to the relationship, it is worth remembering that the behavior of a married man after breaking up with his mistress is different from breaking up with a single guy. Well, firstly, he has an excellent outlet in the form of a wife, that is, he will not suffer from a lack of intimacy, and secondly, those who cheat always have increased self-esteem and do not understand how they dared to leave them. Therefore, often, a former lover begins to call every free minute, bombard with messages, and may even arrive without warning for a showdown with flowers and cake.
You shouldn’t hide and once again disperse your hope for love and a wedding dress. It is enough to clearly state that the decision is unchanged and everything is over between you, and after a month, maybe a couple, that’s how long it takes a man to forget his mistress, he will stop remembering such passionate love, and perhaps even find a replacement. During this period, he will have time to wonder about what happened, hate his ex, try to return everything, grieve that he didn’t love him back and calmly live his life.
Psychological exercises after a breakup
There are many techniques for coping with a breakup. Pay attention to one of them.
We tell the real story of past relationships
We all voluntarily embellish our love affairs in our memories. However, myths are created even directly during the development of relationships.
Each love story embodies illusions, hopes and romantic visions of a future together. In parallel, another reality is developing, which we try not to notice. This exercise is designed to help you analyze the actual process of relationship development.
So, let's proceed point by point:
- Describe what was happening in your life when the disappointing romance began
. What dreams and plans did you have when you met your partner? Did this novel interfere with the implementation of the plan? - Describe your personal status during the inception of the relationship
. Maybe you then dreamed of a different type of man, or you had an affair with a different person, or you just recently broke up with someone? - What prospects did you have in mind during that period
? What was your partner planning? Maybe you wanted to achieve some goal, discover your own sexuality, experience the joy of motherhood (fatherhood). Did all this come true? - What did you give each other as partners
? Example: he took me away from my overprotective family, and I helped him gain self-confidence. - At the moment of establishing a romantic relationship, we notice a circumstance that psychologists call “evidence
. That is, we are talking about a trait that initially confuses us, but we brush it off. Example: a woman notices that a man’s mother constantly calls him. Consequence: he turns out to be a "mama's boy." Example 2: a man notices that a woman is constantly late and reschedules meetings. Consequences: She turns out to be a very unnecessary person. You can also initially see the prerequisites for alcoholism, consumerism and much more, which later manifest themselves especially clearly. Did you notice the “evidence” right away? - If your love story were the basis of a book or an artistic painting, what title would it receive
? Example: “Unfulfilled dreams”, “Too many other women”, “Not serious about everything”, etc. - What was the real reason for the separation?
Think about it. How did this relationship influence your development? What did you learn from them - what lessons, what goals and aspirations? How has it changed your personality? Example: “Thanks to this relationship, I realized what I really wanted to do,” “This relationship gave me an incentive to develop in a different direction,” “I finally learned to care about someone, understand women better,” “Thanks to my ex,” I gave birth to a child for my husband,” “My partner helped me grow up and perceive the world without rose-colored glasses.”
The purpose of the exercise: to look at the past without illusions - to evaluate soberly. The first fact confirming the “imperfection” of the relationship: your separation. The second goal is to understand what you can take away from the breakup and how to use it in the future. Remember that only you can rid yourself of depression. Don’t rely on time, because it can make everything worse - do it yourself to bring back the lost bright colors to life.
Results
Parting with a loved one is always a loss that should be grieved. But bitterness should not take up all the time and last for years. Some psychologists assure that it takes half the time spent together to forget your ex. But you shouldn’t look for the exact date, check the stars and howl at the moon. You should understand yourself, accept that the person left, not because you are bad, but because He decided so. Learn to let go and give fate a chance, this will help make life better.
How long did it take you to start sleeping soundly again? Do you have experience communicating with a psychologist after a painful breakup?
How to survive a breakup with a loved one: advice from a psychologist
Psychologist's advice for women
Stage 1. “Throw out” your emotions outward. No matter how strange it may be, it will be more beneficial to suffer at first. Take time off from work. You won’t be able to get caught up in your work – there’s a chance you’ll make a lot of mistakes. During this period, it is better to rest. It will be easier to survive the breakup after you are sad alone with yourself, take a walk alone in the park in the morning when there are not too many people, or cry and let your best friend listen to you. This process will allow you to “empty yourself” and create space for new feelings. Now the main thing is to feel the situation
But here it is important to set strict deadlines for “depression”, otherwise you can fall into the trap of negative emotions for a long time. Everything is good in moderation!
Stage 2
“Burn all your bridges.” Probably the hardest part. It’s not for nothing that our ancestors said, “Out of sight, out of mind.” At first, you are especially tempted to call/write to the person you broke up with. Most people agree on one thing - you need to get rid of everything that connected you with your loved one. To begin with, it will be useful to delete all correspondence (SMS messages, dialogues on social networks). It’s also worth adding to blacklists and unsubscribing from updates. After a breakup, many people get rid of all the gifts from their loved ones - and in most cases this helps quite quickly. But there are so-called force majeure circumstances. For example, you and your ex-other half work together. What then? Quitting what you love and looking for something new is not an option. Try to avoid communicating with this person for at least a month. Psychologists have proven that it is precisely this period that can develop immunity and subsequently it will be much easier to communicate.
Stage 3. Do not refuse moral support. It would be appropriate to contact a psychologist in this situation. Sessions with a specialist can easily replace evening gatherings with girlfriends/friends. This will help you gradually return to normal life.
Stage 4. Appearance is everything. In most cases, the pain of separation is reflected in appearance. And not in the best way. Lack of sleep and stress immediately manifest themselves in the form of dark circles under the eyes and a tired look. And many people completely forget about taking care of themselves. Hence the untidy appearance. You must never forget about yourself! Proper makeup, hairstyle, manicure and a properly selected wardrobe must be present in the image of any self-respecting woman. And it doesn’t matter at what age the bitterness of parting struck, even at 19, even at 40 years old.
Breaking up is a great thing. It always seems to give more than it takes away. Sam Rockwell
Psychologist's advice for men
- Stage 1. Time spent with friends will help you get over a breakup quickly.
A man begins to focus on one thing when he is not passionate about anything. Unlike women, it is the company of friends that is important to them, and not a personal psychologist in the person of one. - Step 2: Exercise.
Regular trips to the gym will help you “throw out” the accumulated adrenaline. In the stronger sex, emotions of anger are formed much faster and in greater quantities. Accordingly, they need to be directed in a peaceful direction. - Stage 3: Be fully immersed in your work.
Men are able to immerse themselves in work, while distracting themselves from heavy thoughts. The work will only be beneficial.
How to communicate with your ex
If she abandoned you, betrayed you, insulted you. There is no need to communicate with him. Just erase this misunderstanding from your life. And do what I recommended above.
Yes, and also thank him for helping you become a HUMAN! Yes, you can arrive in a BMW-6, get out, approach, thank, smile and drive away.
Can you imagine what oh…m state it will be in. Ha-Ha-Ha!
This is the past - and the past is no more for you. There is only the future. Beautiful and successful.
Advice from people who have experienced separation
To solve this problem, users are advised to adopt the following techniques:
- If the separation was initiated by your ex, do everything to make him regret leaving you.
- If the relationship is going downhill, break up with your other half first.
- Behave as confidently as possible when meeting with mutual friends; they should not know that separation is bothering you.
- Stop feeling like a victim.
- Do charity work.
- Learn to paint or sculpt with clay.
- Go through all the stages of separation as quickly as possible.
- Find out the truth about your relationship from the outside, perhaps in the future it will help you build a happy union.
- Change your surroundings, start traveling.
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This advice especially applies to the stronger sex, because it is known that the stages of separation are much more difficult for men than for women.
- Draw conclusions and do not repeat your mistakes in the future.
It is important to remember that men and women have very different views on relationships. And therefore, only that union can develop successfully in which both partners pursue the same goal (for example, starting a family) and are ready to listen to each other at any moment and find a solution to the problem together.
