How to get over a separation from your husband: 10 tips that work

Writer, translator, hedonist from Spain, which he talks about on the Telegram channel.

I am writing this material on the birthday of my daughter, who turned nine years old. She and I live in Barcelona, ​​and her Spanish dad lives in the USA, in Seattle. Today we called each other and congratulated each other on the holiday, remembered how happy we were when we were waiting for Lucia to appear, how in love we were with her and with each other when she was born, when she got her first tooth, when she ran along the Marbella embankment, when she first said: "I'm from Madrid!" We are dear to each other and support each other's decisions. We worry when one of us has a difficult moment. But four years ago our communication was filled with bitterness, rage, lust, disappointment and poisonous fire.

The divorce was his initiative. However, he had difficulty justifying this decision to himself and expected Italian scandals from my temperament. I loved my husband, but I clearly understood that if the child is healthy, I am healthy, and we have our own means - and not even for subsistence, but for a decent life - then I simply do not have the right to kill myself. Therefore, I held on with all my might and did not sort things out, did not blame and did not hide in any way, did not stop the process and did not limit communication with the child. All formalities are carried out through a family lawyer, all intentions are as peaceful as possible. Within six months, the text of our divorce agreement was ready and submitted for consideration.

It was more difficult when two years later he came again to ask for my hand and did it in front of the child, and I refused. After that episode, the balance was shaken for many months. It is very difficult to cope with the emotions of a child who wants mom and dad to be together.

All troubles are behind us. Now my ex-husband is grateful to me for our peaceful relationship. And I tell him because he is a great dad and explains physics and mathematics better than anyone else.

It's rarely easy. Both the initiator and the one who ends the marriage against his will will have to cross a long burning bridge. Running is dangerous, losing composure is unacceptable.

There are things that do not depend on you, and even with the most correct behavior will be beyond your sphere of control. In my experience, here are the main points that will help you survive this event with minimal losses for both parties.

Shock

This is the shortest phrase, rarely exceeding 10 days in length, since the woman’s body, blocking the flow of negative information and maintaining her sanity, instantly turns on defensive reactions, one of the elements of which is “disbelief.” During this period, which comes immediately after the husband informs his wife of his intentions, the girl’s consciousness seems to abstract from reality, and she refuses to believe what happened.

If the husband, having expressed his desire out loud, still continues to live under the same roof with his wife, the shock stage will be less acute and will quickly move to the next phase, because the presence of the husband will constantly remind of what happened. It’s another matter when a man, having reported the news, immediately leaves the house, leaving his ex-wife alone with this information. In this case, the woman will hope for his return and refuse to believe in the finality of the breakup for much longer - up to 4-6 weeks.

Errors

You may notice certain behaviors that constructively indicate an inability to accept separation from your ex-partner:

1. You idealize your ex-partner, paying attention only to his advantages, exaggerating them, or even giving him additional features. At the same time, the final image is very different from reality, and when you are reminded of the defects and shortcomings of your ex, you immediately replace it with an imaginary ideal image.
2. You idealize your relationship - there is nothing good in cherishing bad memories and regrets, but in this case you imagine your completed relationship as an absolute idyll, devoid of negative aspects.
3. You blame yourself for the breakup—you see yourself as the sole cause of the breakup, the person who caused the ideal relationship to break down and cause harm or failure to satisfy your ideal partner.
4. You follow your ex-partner live or on social networks - watch his movements, posts, photographs, analyze his activity on social networks.
5. You weave conspiracy theories about the breakup - looking for infidelity, flirting, dark secrets, giving new meaning to situations from the past, overestimating the behavior and words of your ex-boyfriend.
6. You do not allow your chosen one to leave your life - you keep his things, souvenirs, photographs, letters, messages (at home, on your phone, on your computer), you remember him in the company of other people, you agree to irrational decisions such as friendship with your ex-partner.
7. You neglect yourself and your surroundings - you avoid social contacts, you forget about the sevens, you push others away with your irritation or resentment, you don't exercise, you give up hobbies, you become sloppy.
8. You try to get your ex back by putting pressure on him, being extreme and reckless, trying to reach him through his family, friends and acquaintances.

The above points are mistakes that are difficult to avoid when you are sad and desperate.

Typical mistakes women make after divorce

Women experiencing family breakdown often make characteristic mistakes. The pain is so strong that the suffering person is ready to go to great lengths to relieve it. Sometimes ways to combat depression turn into even bigger problems: drinking, cigarettes, short-term relationships.

• Antidepressants
  can make the situation worse. Don't accept them! The first days after a breakup are the most difficult. Tolerate them without medications - it will be easier later. Risk of antidepressants: addiction to sedatives.
• Alcohol
  . Do you numb the pain with alcohol? Subsequently it will become even stronger. In addition to this there will be new problems associated with alcohol. Female alcoholism goes unnoticed at first - remember this.
• Sleeping pills
  . Gloomy thoughts can creep in at night too.

An obvious but dangerous way to combat insomnia is with sleeping pills. Addiction sets in quickly, and getting rid of it is no easier than getting rid of worries about a broken family. Look for an alternative: herbal teas, which have a sedative effect. The effect of the drink is less pronounced, but the benefits are more noticeable.

Quick remarriage

Wanting to prove female attractiveness and the interest of the opposite sex, a woman quickly remarries. Sometimes starting a new family quickly is an attempt to escape from suffering. Hoping that with a new man it will be easier to forget about their past family life, women make a mistake. It takes time to get over depression. At first it will seem that the stress has subsided, but it will return if you do not survive all the stages. Moreover, the return will be at the time of the new marriage, which will not add to his happiness.

Completion

According to women's reviews, it is possible to survive a divorce as a life drama, of which only infrequent and slightly sad memories remain, no earlier than after one and a half to two years. The habit of relying on one’s own strength and the ability to cope with difficulties without outside help increases the girl’s personal self-esteem, and she already soberly assesses her plans for the future.

If the ex-spouse’s life outside the family did not work out, and he wants to resume relations with the chosen one he once abandoned, his chances of again conquering a person who has gone through all 4 phases of post-divorce trials are only a few percent. The sight of a betrayed husband no longer causes emotional outbursts in a woman, and she is able to conduct a productive dialogue with him without sentimental retreats towards the past.

Restoring trust in men en masse, the desire to flirt and be liked, as well as the need to create new relationships are also signs of a woman’s “recovery” from old emotional wounds.

Time of opportunity

Don't allow yourself to get caught up in your inner emotional experiences: this creates unnecessary tension and aggravates the situation. Take advantage of the time you have gained from socializing to do something pleasant: sports, hobbies, chatting with friends, studying.

Photo by Khoa Võ: Pexels

This will fill your day and your thoughts with useful emotions, feelings, and will also be a pleasant bonus when you meet, when you can brag about your achievements to a loved one.

The ability to engage in self-development is a very important skill for an adult. In this sense, a breakup can serve as the best stimulus for developing this skill. It should be remembered that in any relationship the level of self-sufficiency of the partner is very important.

Allow your personal space to expand, and respect the personal space of your loved one. After all, no one likes it when a relationship turns into heavy burdensome obligations.

Advice from psychologists for peace of mind during divorce

The psychologist's main advice is to accept divorce as a fait accompli. Bad decision: tearing up photographs, ostentatiously throwing away gifts, burning a wedding dress. Remove objects that cause pain from your eyes. Let go of your spouse mentally, wish yourself and him life changes. Discard thoughts about his return, leave self-flagellation and worries in the past.

Other relevant tips

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Fill your free time

Instead of self-criticism, find an exciting hobby: tailoring, drawing, cooking, sports. If you stay in thoughts about the past, you can quickly fall into a prolonged depression. There is no desire to pursue a hobby, but your own work excites you? Devote time to it - perhaps your zeal will lead to a jump up the career ladder.

A pet

Useful advice, especially for those who work from home. If you have dreamed of a cat or a dog, then it's time to realize your dream.

Society

Falling into worries about separation, women often forget about friends and relatives. No need to fence yourself off! Discuss your feelings with loved ones and get support from them.

Emotional release

In addition to everything listed above, there is another very effective way to get rid of any feelings for your ex-spouse. It will also restore your physical and moral strength, provide an opportunity to restore spiritual integrity and analyze your entire life.

Emotional release is a very good psychological practice that will help you calmly survive any negative event in your life. This practice consists of 7 main stages, the implementation of which should be carried out exclusively one by one.

The first stage is a description of feelings. Take a regular notebook and try to write on paper everything you feel about this person. Just don't think about divorce, because anger is just a side effect. You have had many years of truly sincere love. Therefore, do not be afraid to describe it all in beautiful and gentle words.

The second stage is a detailed answer. You need to write a detailed answer to each of these feelings to answer the question of why exactly this feeling arose. For example, if you feel sympathy now, write down what exactly touches you. Or if you feel guilty, describe what exactly causes this feeling. You must explain to yourself in as much detail and as honestly as possible why this or that condition has developed.

Stage 3: Learn to date again

After a divorce, many women are tempted to go to great lengths to prove to themselves (“and this scoundrel!”) that they have retained sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex.

How to start dating men again after decades on the bench? Tamsin Fedel advises following two rules.

Don't look for the perfect man

Look for someone who respects you now, someone who doesn’t put off feelings for later. The one for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening dive into bed with him and snuggle under the covers.

Value your principles

Don't forget - even for the sake of a gorgeous man - about what is important to you. Don't fool yourself into thinking about your needs and desires. Be yourself. If you are suitable for a man only under certain conditions: different hair color, weight, habits and preferences - nothing good will come from this relationship.

Transforming your life for the better

How can a woman survive a divorce without losing herself and gaining in external attractiveness? Many girls recommend:

1. Visit a cosmetologist and makeup artist. It is not at all necessary to use all the decorative cosmetics from the arsenal recommended by the latter; it is enough to see yourself once in the mirror after the work of a makeup artist and be positively charged with the feeling of your beauty.
2. Change your hairstyle and make it a point to visit your hairdresser every month. Buy cosmetics.
3. Save or borrow a significant amount so as not to deny yourself what you need, and go to another city or country for a week. The best option is to take an unmarried friend with you.
4. Remove from your wardrobe all the things that evoke exciting associations with events from your past life, and buy clothes (even inexpensive ones) that would better suit the inner world of a freed, open nature.
5. Make some rearrangements in the apartment and plan cosmetic repairs for the near future, and it’s better to do it step by step, enjoying the process itself.
6. Sign up for a gym or dance class. From the very beginning, you should make an internal vow not to miss classes and to work in such a way as to constantly and dynamically improve your results.

One of the best tips on how a woman can survive a divorce without serious psychological distress is to get more sleep. In the first time after breaking up, you need to devote all your free time to sleep. If a girl follows this advice, within a few days she will feel rested and full of healthy energy.

In the next six months or a year, completely change your perception of the relationship.

• After your breakup, don’t immediately cling to a new person and don’t try to make him yours for a very long time.
• This should not be confused with not communicating or getting to know anyone at all. No, you are still communicating and getting close to new people, enjoying the attraction between you.
• But there should not be this desire to make a person your property for some long time.
• You must remove the time frame into which you will begin to unknowingly drive a person.
• Live like this for at least the next six months after the breakup. Then, after six months, based on your inner feelings, you can again return to a long-term relationship with one girl (man).

A subtle point that needs to be implemented

Replace the desire to make a person your property with the desire to make him happy.

The best thing you can do for your partner is to let him live his life to the fullest, and you will be there with him whenever he and you want.

You still truly love your partner, but you don't try to keep him in any way.

You must live your own life and give your partner complete freedom of choice.

Implement this perception and no longer worry about how to get over a breakup with your lover or your secret crush.

You can also read about the psychology of relationships between a guy and a girl in a new publication.

The difference between healthy and unhealthy neediness

1. There should be no boundaries or understanding that a person is yours. And then you can always go further in terms of developing your spirituality, your level of happiness and harmony.
2. Yes, you may have a certain percentage of neediness in a new relationship, but this healthy neediness is when you just want to see the person (no matter how you spend your time). You just want to be together.

Do women and girls even worry after breaking up with their beloved man or boyfriend?

Of course, divorce for both men and women is always a more or less conscious admission of defeat. Moreover, if one of the parties plans and thinks about this process, then for the second, the separation is a complete surprise. The degree and nature of women's experiences largely depend on whose initiative the breakup occurred.

If a representative of the fair sex herself became the initiator, then she can also experience differently:

1. 
   Demonstrate indifference, because a man for self-sufficient ladies is just a tool to achieve a goal.

2. Depressed - such women can “overact”: beg for forgiveness, call and stand guard at the entrance.
3. To worry without extremes - to feel guilty for the “inconvenience” caused, to be tormented by remorse.

If the initiator was the former chosen one, then this fact greatly unsettles the woman. Nothing makes her happy, she is left alone with her problem and in especially severe cases can even fall into depression. The characteristic behavior at such moments is to think only about the man and the moments experienced with him.

What Your Brain Can Do to You: The Broken Record Analogy

• All your memories of past love , when everything was good, bloomed and smelled - it’s just an appearance. If that balance were preserved, then this would really be so. And this is an illusory appearance. This is already like a broken record, which is also broken.
• How is your brain playing tricks on you? When you had a breakup and there were a lot of mistakes that you don’t even really want to remember, your brain throws this broken record at you.
• In your head you yourself put on this broken record , where the smooth melody no longer plays, but an incomprehensible grinding sound, a pitiful semblance of a melody and only unpleasant sounds.
• This record no longer needs to be repaired ! You just need to find what you really need!
• There's no need to even try to go back . It's not worth it. Approach the situation soberly, and you will know everything about how to start living after breaking up with your loved one.

How to survive a divorce - 8 recommendations from a psychologist

Accept the fact of what happened

A common mistake is to assume that your partner will return and everything will go back to normal. Especially if the initiator of the divorce was not you, but your spouse. By thinking this way, you cling to the old and deprive yourself of the chance for a new life. You can think this way for years, deceive yourself and wishful thinking.

Few people manage to step into the same river twice, and even less often something good comes out of it. It is with the acceptance of what happened that further work begins. Yes, it hurts, but it is necessary. In order to start a new life, you must finally put an end to the old one.

In general, if you are going to post a message to your ex on your social media page in the hope that he will see, cry and come running back, slap your hands.

Don't look for a new partner immediately after divorce

The practice of “fighting wedges with wedges” in this context is vicious, dangerous and erroneous. There will still be time for this, but only after you have gone through all the stages of grief, solved internal problems and simply let the situation go.

The search for a new relationship immediately after a divorce can be dictated by anything but common sense or true feelings. This includes the desire to take revenge on an ex, fear of loneliness, and everyday problems. A strong marriage will not work on such a foundation; it will only get worse.

Don't isolate yourself

Meet friends, family, communicate with work colleagues. It is very important to talk through your emotions and experiences, especially if there is a person to whom you can talk. Pushing experiences to the back of your mind, being strong/strong won’t work here. Life is full of situations when we should be strong, but this is not that story. Crying sincerely for a couple of weeks after a divorce is great therapy.

It’s clear that you don’t always want to stress out your friends or relatives with your whining, and many simply don’t have that opportunity. Then excellent psychological practice will come to the rescue, which I want to talk about in the next paragraph.

Use psychological practices

For example, this: you need to choose an object on which you can “have a blast”, throwing out all the negative emotions on it. Technically, it could be anything, even a frying pan. Do you remember the joke where a Georgian who served in the army asked his parents to get a pig and call it ensign so-and-so, they say, if I serve, I’ll come and slaughter it? This is exactly how it works, but this is only the first part of the technique.

Then do this: shout, scold the object at hand, without mincing words. And after the emotions have spilled out, you need to remember something pleasant, something that previously brought pleasure and pleasant emotions. An important point: memories should not be associated with a former partner. This could be a walk along the seashore, fragments of travel, etc. To enhance the effect, you can lie down and close your eyes.

The point is that in this way you train your mind to switch from negativity to positivity and then you can do it through willpower. The exercise must be repeated whenever bouts of blues occur.

More similar practices can be found on the Internet or by contacting a psychologist.

Look for the positives in everything

Yes, even divorced. What a beauty: now you don’t need to coordinate plans with anyone, arrange vacations, ask for time off or consult. You are your own boss (or master) and you need to take advantage of this.

Remember what you couldn't bring to life while you were married? Perhaps it's a trip, meeting old university friends, or something crazy like skydiving? Now everything is possible and you don’t have to report to anyone. Yes, you can also have a cat, even two. The restrictions that married life imposed no longer exist.

Yes, you can also have a cat, even two

Make yourself your top priority.

During a divorce, self-esteem often suffers , not only for the person who was abandoned, but also for the initiator of the separation. Thoughts like “I’m always unlucky”, “I’m not like everyone else”, “nobody will love me anymore” may come to mind. In fact, this is not true; due to a negative attitude, you may not notice how much positive there is around you and how many people sympathize with you. I wrote more about this in an article about toxic thinking. Self-esteem is trusting yourself and being confident that you are worthy of happiness (read about self-esteem).

In this situation, the famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky advises learning to understand yourself and your desires, at least at the level of the simplest things: food, clothing, and so on. Most likely, such interests were relegated to the background during marriage. At that time there was no “I”, there was only “we” and everything was adjusted to the former partner. It's time to turn on healthy egoism and start living for yourself, it's good for self-esteem.

The specialist advises to stop living automatically and ask yourself: “What do I want?” . If the answer is, for example, to get enough sleep or buy five kilograms of sweets, that’s not bad. It seems like nonsense, but that’s not the point at all: in this way you will learn to listen and hear yourself, understand desires. Make yourself a priority and remember that you are alone, and life is given only once. Don't give up your hobbies, but rather start new ones.

Mikhail Labkovsky advises learning to understand yourself and your desires

Don't be afraid of loneliness

The fear of being alone, even for a short time, is one of the main ones during divorce. It's not easy to come back to an empty apartment and do everything yourself, especially at first.

In fact, loneliness is a great opportunity to sort out your feelings, understand yourself better and cope with your fears. The main thing is to understand that the opportunity to communicate with people is not always there, and that’s normal. By and large, living together is a habit, and habits are always hard to give up. If you doubt that you can cope on your own, it is better to seek help from a qualified psychologist.

Don't let yourself fall into an emotional hole after a breakup

1. It is very important when such breaks and critical moments occur, it is not to let yourself slide into an emotional hole. Some people become depressed. You can learn about ways to get rid of depression in another publication. They can last not one day, but even a week or two. This can really undermine you.
2. Emotionally, the problem may be completely trivial. But, for example, a man can fall so emotionally into this gap that he has a desire to go to the mountains, become a monk and do nothing else in this life, or go headlong into business, forgetting about women altogether.
3. Although in reality not everything is so serious . Anything can happen. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t make mountains out of molehills, and know everything about how to survive a breakup with a girl after a long relationship or many years of marriage.

Separating from your husband according to all the rules

Stop, think carefully. Only violence, aggression, a threat to the life and health of you and your children can serve as a reason why you can run away from marriage without looking back.

In all other options, there is no need to rush:

• Solve the housing problem. Think over your escape route. The first burning issue is housing. Often women live with tyrants for years only because they have nowhere to retreat. In fact, you can always find options.
• Create a financial safety net. A cash reserve is never superfluous, especially in the early stages after a divorce (paying for children’s sections, rent, buying groceries, etc.)

Communication mode

The first point of this strategy is to maintain a regular communication routine. You can maintain contact in any available format: telephone communication, online correspondence, video contacts in instant messengers, where you can not only hear, but see each other.

The exchange of information about the results of the past day can take place in a friendly, warm conversation, which can be supplemented with photos, videos or funny publications that attracted attention. This can be the necessary outlet that will allow you to relieve accumulated stress or an opportunity to get the necessary support in a difficult situation.

Stages of experiencing divorce

Psychologists divide any loss into five main stages, which are very important to go through smoothly, one after another. And it is a smooth transition from one stage to another that will allow you to experience a divorce less painfully.

How long will it take? Everything here is very individual. First of all, it depends on how much and how closely you were connected with your husband. In any case, it is impossible to forget your man in a minute or a day, especially if you had a very eventful and long past.

Try to give yourself more time. Don't waste it thinking about this event and this man. The more attention and time you pay to yourself, the faster and more painlessly this period will pass for you.

5 stages of experiencing divorce:

1. Shock and denial. The woman simply begins to deny the current situation, she tries with all her might to convince herself that this is a lie, that this is a dream, and that it all just seems. If someone from her acquaintances or just from society tries to convince her that this is true or that it will be much better for everyone, then the woman will deny it all, her reaction may be completely inadequate.
2. Anger and resentment. At this stage, women begin to feel angry at their ex-man. She may remember some grievances, be angry about betrayal, lack of attention, care, and so on. And when she completely throws out all the negativity on the man, she will have a little left for herself. So, she begins to be angry with herself for various actions that she has committed, for the fact that she once met him. She may think that things could have been completely different if she had once acted differently.
3. Guilt. And after anger at oneself, a gradual feeling of guilt begins. The woman carefully analyzes the current situation, tries to find the reasons for the divorce, and somehow correct them. It is at the stage of guilt that a strong desire usually arises to call your ex and try to resolve the situation.
4. Depression. It is the most difficult stage, where many people sometimes hang for a long time. It is during this period that a woman consciously begins to understand what happened, that this is reality, not fiction, and as a result, a sober realization that the family no longer exists, and it is impossible to correct it. It is at this time that it is very important to provide support from loved ones, since an abandoned woman lacks care, love and understanding, and support. And the more she experiences these feelings, the faster she will move on to the last stage and start life again!
5. Adoption. A woman simply resigns herself to the current circumstances and consciously takes them for granted. This is the stage when it suddenly becomes easy, the burden disappears, and divorce no longer seems such a tragedy. Then an adequate understanding of what happened simply begins, and a desire appears to move on, building a new life and new plans.

If you see that a woman is stuck at any stage, especially if it is the stage of depression, then she definitely needs your help and support. This is the only way you can get her out of the routine of these feelings.

How to stop loving your ex-husband?

When a certain time has already passed and you have already cried, and the desire to return everything has gradually let go of you, you need to try to open yourself, take a step towards a new life and new relationships. And to do this, you need to absolutely soberly and consciously understand that you no longer love this person.

But if this is not the case and you still feel something for your ex-spouse, then it’s time to throw all these feelings off the cliff, saying goodbye to them forever.

For this, psychologists recommend using the following methods:

1. Get rid of all things that may remind you of him. It is visual memory that is the longest and strongest. If every day you come across some everyday objects that united you, then you unconsciously begin to remember the time when you were together. Therefore, remove everything that may remind you of him - photos, his clothes and other things, gifts that were given to him, and so on. If you don’t want to throw it all away, then put it all in some kind of box and put it somewhere away.
2. Ask your loved ones to close the topic of divorce. There is no need for people to immediately feel sorry for you at any meeting, to remember all this, to constantly sympathize with you and tell you what a scoundrel he is. The less you are reminded of the divorce, the faster and easier you will accept the situation and start a new life.
3. Try to focus on something good. Find the positives of divorced life. For example, there are no dirty socks lying around the house, you don’t have to wake up every morning at the crack of dawn and prepare breakfast, and dirty laundry, it turns out, can easily wait. Try to kind of enjoy it, getting the benefits and pleasure from such a single life. In the end, you now have so much time for yourself, your beloved! Go to the salon, get yourself in order and have a good shopping trip, update your look.
4. Don't be afraid to be flirty. This is not about new relationships, but simply flirting with strangers. This will improve your self-esteem. What if you accidentally meet a new friend or even a man.

How does your ex-wife feel when left alone?

How a woman experiences a divorce depends on her readiness for this important step, which consists of two main factors:

• her personal feeling of the role she plays in the couple (followed, dependent, suppressed, etc.);
• a woman’s understanding of the usefulness and significance of her family as a unit of society (asocial, socially significant, statistically average, etc.).

If the mutual rejection of the spouses leads to their joint decision to separate, which inevitably comes after prolonged coldness in the relationship, family cruelty or betrayal, then the first feeling of a woman after a divorce will resemble euphoria. The same effect, similar to the delight of a sense of freedom, will be experienced by a girl who initiated a breakup after numerous attempts to fix a relationship that was difficult for her psychologically.

How do women cope with divorce on their own initiative?

The stage of relief and happiness after liberation from marital oppression is fraught with many dangers. The ex-wife may lose control of the almost forgotten sense of permissiveness and decline morally and socially, which is most likely if there are no children in the house. As a rule, within the first 2 years sobering up occurs, the woman begins to yearn for full-fledged family relationships and a state of codependency with her loved one.

It is worse for a woman if the proposal to divorce came from her husband at a time when, in her opinion, the happiness of the family was not in danger. In this case, acceptance of the situation will be accompanied by a phase transition from a critical state of shock and depression to complete and conscious liberation from the shackles of the past.

Special cases

In some cases, domestic and legal difficulties are added to the mental anguish and heartache after a divorce. In each individual situation you need to know how to behave correctly.

If there is a child

Most people getting divorced already have children. As they say, if there is no love, then nothing can save the family. The child makes the situation worse. Firstly, this is psychological trauma for him. He will have to share his parents, perhaps lose sight of some of them forever (let's be honest: not all fathers and even mothers continue to maintain relationships with them). Therefore, in addition to healing your own mental wounds, you also need to help him survive this with minimal losses. Do not hesitate and make an appointment with a family psychologist.

Secondly, quarrels often flare up over the child. Many parents, while continuing to love their child together, want to spend more time with him. This becomes a source of new conflicts.

Thirdly, the presence of a child (and especially a very small one or more than one) aggravates the worries: how can I now raise and feed him alone?

To avoid all these difficulties when getting a divorce, you need to sit down and immediately discuss the following points regarding the child:

• who will he stay with?
• frequency of meetings with the other parent (down to specific days and number of hours);
• monthly maintenance amount (specific figure);
• permission to travel abroad;
• his share in the joint property.

It is important to discuss all this as part of business negotiations - calmly, balancedly and judiciously. You can drink valerian before the meeting to pull yourself together, invite a psychologist or lawyer. Do everything to ensure that these issues are resolved amicably, and not through court, which will only prolong post-divorce depression.

In old age

Even after 5 years of marriage, divorce causes burning mental pain. And what can we say about those who have been together side by side for more than 15, 20 and even 30 years? Stability, adult children, little grandchildren - I would enjoy a calm old age, but no. There are many examples of older married couples breaking up.

The main problem of such divorces is worries about the fact that life is already over, you won’t find a soul mate at that age, and you’re ashamed in front of your friends.

What do psychologists advise in such cases:

1. Focus on children (they probably need your help in solving some everyday problems) and grandchildren.
2. Get rid of feelings of guilt and shame in front of someone. There are thousands of such examples!
3. Divorce is a chance to start life anew, freedom. Travel the world, after all.
4. It is not true that in old age it is difficult to find someone. You just need to look around!

In old age, it is easier to start your own business, since you probably have accumulated capital and experience. This is a great opportunity to get through your divorce as painlessly as possible.

If you have health problems, focus on it. It's time to buy a ticket to a resort or sanatorium.

If you are the initiator

If you divorced on your own initiative, it will be easier to psychologically cope with what happened. After all, you probably had a reason for this, you understand why it would be better. Problems may arise if the former other half took it with hostility. How to avoid trouble in this case:

• for the last time, try to explain everything to your spouse, sincerely ask for forgiveness (if you are to blame);
• get rid of guilt;
• change your phone number so they don’t bother you (if you have a problem with intrusiveness);
• make social media accounts private;
• take a vacation, go somewhere far away;
• try not to think about what happened, look for positive emotions;
• Don't communicate with mutual friends for a while.

The initiator of the divorce usually needs only 3-4 weeks for complete mental rehabilitation.