Pleasant moments and beautiful photos together, passionate nights and tender touches, memories of mutual “Yes”... How all this warms the soul while you are in a relationship - and what severe pain it causes when the decision to divorce is made. It seems that life will no longer sparkle with the same bright colors, will not be filled with the same light and joy, will not bring so much tenderness and smiles. Is it so? How to survive the period of separation and breathe deeply again?
Each couple comes to divorce in their own way - everyone has their own reasons, their own arguments and their own motivation for this decision. However, divorce never comes as a bolt from the blue.
There are always prerequisites. There is always intuition. There is always the opportunity to return everything.
You know, it's like cooking. Imagine that getting to know each other is kneading dough, adding various ingredients to it for the taste, aroma and structure of the baked goods. The decision to get married is the moment you put your cake in the oven. You check, set the temperature, preheat the oven, turn on convection if necessary. And marriage itself is the time when you bake the cake...
And it seems that everything is simple - I set a timer and turned off the oven at the sound signal. But there are force majeure events! The same goes for divorce - if a burning smell starts to come from the oven, then something is going wrong. And the sooner you smell this smell, the greater the chance of saving your culinary masterpiece.
But now the masterpiece has burned down. Happens. Does this mean you'll never be able to bake something as delicious as you planned? No, you absolutely can do this. And therefore, you should not equate your separation with your ex-spouse to grief on a universal scale. Yes, this situation is very sad, unpleasant - and you need to live it, let it go and prepare for the moment when you can knead the dough again.
How to do it? Is it possible to close once and for all those issues that won’t go away? How to survive a divorce and become happy again? I offer you four steps to help you prepare for your new life.
We went through a divorce. What's next?
Your recovery may take a couple of months, six months, a year or even two. Believe me, you will feel it when it happens. Until then, be energized and developed, invest time and resources into becoming the best version of yourself as an individual, as a professional and as a woman.
But don’t put off the goal “To meet your dear, only, dear person and build a long-term, happy relationship with him, which will later develop into a family.” Start moving towards this goal now.
Here is my author's algorithm for a happy marriage.
- Determine the starting point - your roles and mistakes in the relationship. You will do this in the 5 steps that we discussed above. Of course, it’s more effective to turn to a specialist - this way you can analyze your mistakes much deeper and from different angles, and the process of analyzing your roles in relationships and working on mistakes will go much faster.
- Conduct a subtle internal and external transformation of yourself. This point includes not only the gym for “minus 3 kg,” but also the ability to present oneself, creating a harmonious image and acquiring the right, giving energy, mastering self-presentation skills, external and internal transformation. It is at this step that you prepare to meet the man of your dreams - you clear your emotions, upgrade your image so that it matches your goals, learn to communicate and correspond with men, go on dates successfully, etc.
- Entry into the world of men. At this stage, you need to learn how to quickly determine whether a potential “suitor” is suitable for your purpose or not. It is also here that you begin to actively meet and communicate. Moreover, your task is to do everything to be an interesting and desirable woman, to inspire men to communicate and get closer. Aim for 10-15 dates per month.
- The stage of creating relationships that lead to marriage.
- Marriage itself and deepening, improving your relationship with your husband throughout your life.
It seems that the algorithm is simple and every woman knows about it even on an intuitive level, but this is only imaginary simplicity. So get rid of all the emotions that are associated with past relationships (we discussed how to do this above). And then write to yourself 5-7 steps that you will take in order to pass the first 2 points of the algorithm.
Remember the proverb “They knock out a wedge with a wedge”? The same thing happens in relationships - in order not to sit and dwell on the past, you need to think of the desired future for yourself and move towards it. And then there will be no place or time left for worries.
Stage 2: Learn to communicate with your ex-husband
Communication with an ex-husband is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every second divorced woman. It is difficult to resist the obsessive thoughts of having a heart-to-heart talk with your ex and still find out the reasons for the discord in the family. Unpleasant thoughts constantly swirl in my head: “I was too cold, or fat, or ugly, or inconsiderate, or unsexy.” Tamsin Fedel advises not to share thoughts about your ex-husband (especially negative ones) with others, and also to adhere to a few simple rules.
Don't look for meetings
A good reason for personal communication is the fate of children. Decide everything else through intermediaries, friends or lawyers.
Don't keep his things
He has already taken everything he needs. Everything else doesn’t interest him now and certainly won’t interest him in a year. It is advisable to get rid of things.
Don't follow him on social media
Remove him from your friends list and don’t poison your soul. Do this immediately after the divorce.
Don't paint a false picture of your ex-husband
It is human nature to remember only the good. Let go of the memories at least for a while. Later, when the wounds heal, you will take out these photographs and letters, remember the lovely family evenings.
Don't use children as a shield
Or as a loophole to get information. Don't turn children against their father. Your emotions will subside, but the children’s attitude towards their father will remain.
Don't speak badly about your ex
This is perhaps one of the most difficult tips. The author of the book honestly admits that she herself committed similar sins. More than once she caught herself thinking that she was happy to remember her ex-husband with strong words. However, you should not do this, especially in the presence of potential partners.
How to calm down and recover?
Even after the separation has already occurred, the fact is fully realized and accepted as accomplished, women feel a special weight that they want to throw off their shoulders. At this stage, the main thing is not to fall into deep depression and rehabilitate yourself.
Allow yourself to be yourself
It's normal to feel sad when a relationship ends.
Don't let people you don't like into your life. Go about your business and turn on your favorite music. Draw, dance, garden, jump with a parachute if it makes you feel better.
Don't be afraid to see the positive in the world : it is good to experience disappointment, resentment and sadness. But you have already given free rein to these feelings. Now it’s time to just live: communicate and read interesting books, expand your horizons of acquaintances and improve yourself.
Don't become a loner who doesn't need anyone.
Don't think that talking about your problems is a bad thing. Let your loved ones be your shoulder and support. If there are no such people, then another effective way is to make an appointment with a psychologist who will help solve all the problems.
Look for reasons to be happy
The simplest things can lift your spirits in this life : a kitten found on the street that needs your warmth, or the radiant sun suddenly peeking out from behind the clouds after long rains, and many other absolutely insignificant things.
You can start redecorating your room, take time to change yourself, such as having a morning meditation ritual or enrolling in a foreign language course.
Be irresistible
Take care of your appearance, visit beauty salons, because it’s better to be sad with beautiful nails and well-groomed hair. Do not forget about regular procedures, stick to your daily schedule.
Set new goals
It is worth setting new goals for yourself and taking small steps to achieve them , despite the difficulties and problems that may arise along this thorny path - and life will already change. Small victories will help you regain your self-confidence and move on.
Experiment
You can start a new relationship as an experiment.
Find someone who can boost your self-esteem or just someone you can enjoy spending time with. Remember: it takes time to recover from a painful breakup . Give it to yourself to take a break from what has happened in your life.
And only after that do you go through “rehabilitation”. This is not the last relationship in your life: there will definitely be a person who is right for you. For now, just live, taking deep breaths.
Practical advice for men
5 things to avoid after divorce:
1. Don’t try to get your ex-wife back now No matter how much you want to get your ex-wife back now, this is not the time when you can do it. If you prefer not to ask for pity, but to make promises of eternal love to her, then this will not work either. It could have worked during the breakup stage, when you were discussing your actions and expressing your disappointment to each other. Now that the divorce is finalized and you are separated is not the time or place to confess your love. It won't be appreciated.
Even if your wife takes pity on you and agrees to get back together, it will not change the dynamics of your relationship and you will again have the same problems that separated you. So the best thing now is to accept and understand the fact that a divorce has occurred.
2. Don’t push for pity A terrifying thought may come to your mind that if you don’t remind her of yourself by frequently texting and calling, she will begin to live her own life and will never remember you again. However, if you are constantly in contact with her, you create or maintain an unattractive image of yourself as an unhappy and needy person. No woman would want to be with such a creature. This will only strengthen her belief that leaving you was a good idea. This is definitely not the effect you are going for.
Therefore, try to refrain from any interaction on personal issues, with the exception of those related to your common children and/or business.
3. Avoid addiction Many men after a divorce begin to abuse alcohol, become overworked, engage in casual sex, and even become addicted to drugs.
It's true: a completely normal person can go crazy due to the enormous stress that divorce brings.
When you seek short-term gratification, you are looking for relief from negative emotions and a quick solution to your current divorce problem. You want to push all your experiences out of life as quickly as possible. It is obvious that single women or alcohol can make you feel relieved and even happy for one night, but in the morning you will again feel even more lonely than before. Remember that short-term gratification usually brings little relief from emotional rupture, other than, of course, acquired addiction.
4. Be Careful with Expressing Anger A post-divorce no-contact strategy will help you save face in any anger you may feel toward your ex. When you feel the urge to call her name and curse her for ruining your life, it is better to do so by boxing with a punching bag in the gym, thus getting rid of negative emotions.
Taking out your anger at your ex-wife in front of your children (who will tell her about it) is extremely counterproductive. First, it shows that you are an unstable person with violent tendencies. Secondly, it hurts your chances of getting back together.
5. Don't have an affair until you feel liberated Some men think that they begin to "heal" after a divorce by immediately dating other women out of revenge or to prove that they are worthy of female attention. These strategies are inadequate and may only make your condition worse.
Women's experiences and their stages
Stages of experiencing a breakup:
- Denial . Parting for a lady is shock and shock, and in such a situation the human psyche turns on a defense mechanism in the form of a refusal to believe in what is happening. The girl does not understand what happened and for what reasons, masterfully deceiving herself. The duration of this period is from an hour to a year.
- Expression of feelings . After realizing what happened, an emotional reaction occurs, which is expressed in different ways: for some through resentment and anger, for others through melancholy and sadness.
- The desire to restore relations, to come to an agreement . Following illusions, a woman tries to bargain, repent, beg for forgiveness - to do everything so that the man changes his decision or corrects his own mistakes.
- Apathy . A spiritual emptiness sets in, which can turn into melancholy. The girl is haunted by the feeling of loss, devastation, abandonment and uselessness to anyone.
- Humility . This is true acceptance of the fact of separation, the understanding that nothing can be changed. At this stage, the person fully recovers and decides to move on with his life.
Why is it important to go through the process correctly?
Of course, the process of separation is long and painstaking.
It takes a lot of time for a combination of reasons. In this difficult time, you need to treat yourself with extreme care and take advantage of the help and support of relatives and specialists.
After all, not only your mood and emotional stability, but also the prospects for a future happy life depend on the correctness of this path.
If you want everything to be good on the personal front in relationships with the opposite sex, then you must discover the possibilities of another experience, not at all negative , but necessary and significant for gaining life wisdom and spiritual growth.
Many women behave more confidently and independently after a divorce than during the relationship - demonstrating that even an unpleasant event can have a positive impact if you have the courage to turn the breakup into your chance to start a new life.
Tips on how to get over a breakup with your spouse if you're pregnant
It is not at all easy to cope with the situation of divorce if you are pregnant. During this period, more than ever, you need a close and dear person nearby to wait for this pleasant event together. But, on the other hand, this is also your incentive to continue living and prepare for the appearance of the most important person in your life.
- Get your priorities right
You are on the verge of meeting your long-awaited baby. Now you are even more responsible for him and you need to give him a double portion of love. Is this really possible if the mother herself is unhappy and suffering? Focus all your attention on the one who really needs your care and affection.
- Don't give up on your personal life
Of course, your baby is too young to plan a new relationship. However, it would be a mistake to devote all of yourself only to the child and forget about your personal happiness. Meeting a man who cares about you and with a child is not at all unrealistic. The main thing is not to think negatively about all men and not to reject the very idea of new happiness.
Your identity
Everyone is different, and therefore everyone needs their own time to get over a divorce. If you are a strong personality, if you are a fighter, if you adapt well to change, you will be able to get through divorce much faster. On the other hand, if you are used to being submissive to your spouse, staying silent and not expressing what bothers you or needs, or if you do not adapt well to rapid change, you will have a much harder time going through a divorce. If you have the second personality type, consulting a psychologist will help you become stronger and more resilient.
Stage 4: Learn to build new relationships
Often after a divorce, women are eager to occupy themselves with new relationships and are ready to literally disappear into a new man. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” honestly admits that she herself made some of the mistakes described. Tamsin Fedel had the strength to pull herself together. Invaluable experience helped her develop several tips that will save women from disappointment.
Be self sufficient
Don't be humiliated. If he doesn't call, he's not interested in you. There are no other options.
Keep your distance
Don’t make a man your best friend, much less a vest for tears.
Don't become a mommy
If you took care of your ex-husband, brought him slippers and tea in bed, do not rush to do the same with a new man. Have you caught yourself doing something like this? Get a dog and leave the man alone.
Accept his habits
It is useless to try to break and change another person. You are both established individuals, and if his slurping at the table bothers you, then you should think twice before moving in together. Either accept the man along with his habits, even those that infuriate you, or break up.
Looking for a free man
This is really very important, and there can be no options here: “almost divorced,” “we’ll file documents tomorrow,” “we live for the sake of the children.” Otherwise, you risk falling into a trap and turning into a banal mistress.
Psychology of men after separation
When it comes to men going through a divorce, it can cause some anxiety, not only because the breakup with their wife makes them lose their sense of identity, but also because they are still stigmatized by our society. Society forces men going through divorce to pretend to be calm and confident despite the fact that at this time they are suffering from unbearable pain and agony living inside them. And this is very harmful to their mental health.
There are many other clichés that prevent men from fully expressing their pain and sharing it even with their close friends. Take, for example, popular phrases such as “big boys don’t cry.” If men adhere to these mantras most of the time, then it will indeed be very difficult for them to cope psychologically and physically with divorce.
Here are some tips from a psychologist on how you can overcome divorce with its emotional turmoil and start a new life. The advice includes tips for divorce that cover both the practical and emotional aspects of life, as well as things you might want to avoid to avoid causing more pain.
