How to survive a divorce from your husband if you still love

Parting with a loved one is a serious problem that can unsettle even a very strong person. So, after a divorce, a woman may face depression, complete devastation, which ultimately can lead to anything. And surviving such a state on your own is quite difficult, and sometimes even impossible. Therefore, the question of how to survive a divorce from your husband if you still love him is a very important topic that requires special attention. We'll talk about this today.

Divorce is a little death

Do you think this is too strong a word? Not at all like that. In fact, psychologists say that the end of a long-term relationship is almost tantamount to the death of a loved one. And it is these sensations, emotions and feelings that a woman can experience during a divorce.

But there is one universal law: after death comes birth. And no matter how the Earth rotates, this law will always work, no matter what.

Some experts also compare divorce to amputation. That is, you seem to move on with your life, and everything seems to be getting better, but there is some part of you less. And there is no way to get this part of a person back.

Legal side of the issue

Is divorce inevitable? Be prepared for the fact that the divorce procedure may take a long time. Divorce will be easy if good relations remain, there is nothing to divide.

If there are children, only the court will divorce. Is the property divided without outside help? The court must determine the procedure for communication with the child and the issue of child support.

Have you come to a conclusion that is contrary to the family code? To avoid misunderstandings later, the court will record the agreement.

Divorces are conventionally divided into groups

The couple has no claims on their acquired property and has no children.
There are children, but there are no mutual claims.
The couple cannot come to a mutual agreement.

How does a woman feel after a divorce?

Divorce, if there were feelings in the family, is a serious loss. And during this serious loss, a woman can experience very strong mental pain, which is framed by a mass of all kinds of emotions and feelings. It can be hatred, love, indifference, shame, thirst for revenge, resentment and even guilt.

After such an event, the usual life is sharply destroyed, and instead of many pleasant things and traditions, loneliness appears. It is during this period that a woman may face remorse; she may try with all her might to return everything to normal in order to somehow find herself in a world that no longer exists, but is cozy and familiar to her.

In addition to mental collapse, a woman is haunted by many incomprehensible questions that usually have no answers: how to raise children now, what to live for, how to explain everything to relatives and friends, how to live in general?

Moreover, if a man divorces a woman, then for some reason this is regarded as the norm, but a woman who has been abandoned by a man usually gets a lot of incomprehensible looks, questions, and a kind of stigma is put on her. And if a man who has again become a bachelor will not change at all in the eyes of his society, then a woman can acquire the status of a so-so “abandoned person.” Again, from a psychological point of view, men take their bachelor status calmly, but women may feel shame and fear that all their relatives, acquaintances and colleagues will find out about it.

So, most often, girls who got married early are most often not able to make decisions independently and confidently. But divorce becomes for them a kind of impetus to a new, more independent and adult life.

After a divorce, they have to rebuild their lives. But there are also advantages to this, because there is every opportunity to correct mistakes, and reinvent yourself in the face of other men and in general in the face of society.

Representatives of the fairer sex, abandoned by their wealthy husbands, are afraid of poverty and a new life that does not correspond to their habits. So, after such an event, they are forced to get a job, perform many tasks that they never had to do before. And sometimes even a banal trip to the grocery store can become a serious disaster for a woman spoiled by a man

Most marriages, which are secured not only with a seal on paper, but also with feelings, after living together, think that they are one whole. And in this case, you can often hear phrases such as “it’s like my leg was cut off” or “it’s like they tore off a piece of me” and so on. This is what psychologists call fusion. And divorce in this case is really very difficult to survive.

To survive such a state, a woman first needs to consciously separate herself from the man, from the children and from the family in general. From a psychological point of view, this is a very difficult and rather painful process that can radically change a woman’s thinking and meaning of life.

It is important to understand that no matter how painful this event is, life does not end with a divorce. This should not be regarded as death, but as a very serious, but completely curable disease. And it is possible to overcome this disease. Let this recovery be long-term, with remissions and a long recovery period, but life goes on.

Main mistakes

The main mistakes of women going through a breakup:

New relationships too fast. There is no need to force yourself into a new romantic relationship that may fail in a short period of time. It is more advisable to find a place where you will feel good: among friends, family and acquaintances. Show yourself to others not as half, but as a whole person who also feels complete without a relationship.
Revenge for an insult. If the breakup was due to the fault of a man, many women are influenced by negative emotions and go to extremes. Be above your pride, because by realizing the desire to “annoy” your ex, you will only deserve disdain in return.
Continued communication with the man. This gives extremely unnecessary emotions. It is much better to keep conversations to a minimum, and if possible, limit them altogether.
Closure “in grief” and four walls. This is pure masochism. Neither friends nor relatives are to blame for what happened.

Stages of experiencing divorce

Psychologists divide any loss into five main stages, which are very important to go through smoothly, one after another. And it is a smooth transition from one stage to another that will allow you to experience a divorce less painfully.

How long will it take? Everything here is very individual. First of all, it depends on how much and how closely you were connected with your husband. In any case, it is impossible to forget your man in a minute or a day, especially if you had a very eventful and long past.

Try to give yourself more time. Don't waste it thinking about this event and this man. The more attention and time you pay to yourself, the faster and more painlessly this period will pass for you.

5 stages of experiencing divorce:

Shock and denial. The woman simply begins to deny the current situation, she tries with all her might to convince herself that this is a lie, that this is a dream, and that it all just seems. If someone from her acquaintances or just from society tries to convince her that this is true or that it will be much better for everyone, then the woman will deny it all, her reaction may be completely inadequate.
Anger and resentment. At this stage, women begin to feel angry at their ex-man. She may remember some grievances, be angry about betrayal, lack of attention, care, and so on. And when she completely throws out all the negativity on the man, she will have a little left for herself. So, she begins to be angry with herself for various actions that she has committed, for the fact that she once met him. She may think that things could have been completely different if she had once acted differently.
Guilt. And after anger at oneself, a gradual feeling of guilt begins. The woman carefully analyzes the current situation, tries to find the reasons for the divorce, and somehow correct them. It is at the stage of guilt that a strong desire usually arises to call your ex and try to resolve the situation.
Depression. It is the most difficult stage, where many people sometimes hang for a long time. It is during this period that a woman consciously begins to understand what happened, that this is reality, not fiction, and as a result, a sober realization that the family no longer exists, and it is impossible to correct it. It is at this time that it is very important to provide support from loved ones, since an abandoned woman lacks care, love and understanding, and support. And the more she experiences these feelings, the faster she will move on to the last stage and start life again!
Adoption. A woman simply resigns herself to the current circumstances and consciously takes them for granted. This is the stage when it suddenly becomes easy, the burden disappears, and divorce no longer seems such a tragedy. Then an adequate understanding of what happened simply begins, and a desire appears to move on, building a new life and new plans.

If you see that a woman is stuck at any stage, especially if it is the stage of depression, then she definitely needs your help and support. This is the only way you can get her out of the routine of these feelings.

What if he has an alcohol addiction?

Leaving is truly liberating. You will stop listening to drunken nonsense, taking it away from bars, being embarrassed in front of your friends, and throwing away bottles. Or maybe you suffered beatings? The main thing is not to blame yourself. You are not your spouse's mother to babysit him. It was his choice to plunge into drunkenness. Pity often pushes us to repeat mistakes. To prevent this from happening, stop all contact.

What you definitely shouldn't do

Coping with emotions and feelings after betrayal or after divorce is quite difficult. And here it is important to realize that the world is not destroyed, that life goes on, it’s just that now a new life is coming, and maybe it will even make its own adjustments, making you even better. Negativity needs to be driven away so that a woman cannot get hung up on it.

It is important to understand that the most basic, most reliable support for you is yourself, and not your husband, parents or anyone else.

And if your family already has children, then under no circumstances forget that this is also stressful for them. And that they definitely need both support and support, which you are.

Many representatives of the fairer sex in this course of events can make many different mistakes, which will only lead to the worse, and separation will be much more difficult to survive. Therefore, be sure to pay attention to this, and under no circumstances make the following mistakes:

Don't try to return everything. No matter how many pleasant and good events you experience together, this is the end. And there is no need to humiliate yourself by running after your ex-husband and trying to convince him. If this decision is conscious, and not made rashly, then come out of the mud gracefully!
Don't immediately look for a new relationship. This is just an attempt to deceive yourself and your feelings. So, subconsciously you want to fill that collapse and that emptiness inside yourself, but there will be no real feelings here. You may be looking for someone similar, but you are unlikely to be able to truly love someone else until you have let go of this situation.
Don't suppress negative emotions. Tears, screams, anger and fear are an absolutely normal reaction of the female body to stress, that is, to separation. So give these feelings a chance to come out. Don't accumulate them inside, it will be much more difficult to deal with it. By the way, this will also negatively affect your health. Therefore, if you want to scream, scream, if you want to cry, cry!
Do not involve children in this situation under any circumstances. They are not to blame for anything! And even if a man really did not behave in the best way, he is vile, he does not turn his children against him. Believe me, they experience this event even more painfully than you.
Don't indulge yourself with illusions. If before you constantly felt cared for by your husband, he gave you gifts, was ready to go to the ends of the earth for you, and so on, you must consciously understand that this will never happen again with this particular person. There is no need to hope that this is just another bad patch and everything will pass soon. It will definitely not be the same as before.
Do not take strong antidepressants. As a result of severe stress, a person may encounter a problem such as insomnia, which is especially typical for highly emotional women. And to combat these side effects, it is better to use weak drugs. It is better to give preference to safe, natural-based sedative medications.
Forget about alcohol. When a person is of sound mind, he understands perfectly well that alcohol will not help solve the situation. But when your life ends abruptly and everything around you turns upside down, you may unknowingly start drinking. Therefore, try to control yourself and avoid alcohol abuse in every possible way. It’s better to replace this ridiculous activity with something more useful, for example, some kind of hobby, sports or walking.

Test: Should you divorce your spouse?

This simple test will help you determine whether you should get a divorce. Answer questions and count points.

Do you think your husband takes enough care of you?

Yes – 0 point; No – 1 point;

Does it happen that when spending time with your husband, you remain in a gloomy mood for a long time?

Yes – 1 point; No – 0 points;

Are you irritated by your husband's hobbies?

Yes – 1 point, No – 0 points;

Do you want your husband to talk to you more, talk about his past day?

Yes – 0 points; No – 1 point;

Do you think that almost all of your friends and acquaintances have better husbands than yours?

Yes – 1 point; No – 0 points;

Are you happy about your husband's success?

Yes – 0 point, No – 1 point;

Do you want to look attractive in front of your husband, for example, at home?

No – 1 point; Yes – 0 points;

Do you think your husband's job is more important than yours?

Yes - 0 points; No – 1 point;

In your opinion, does your husband pay enough attention to the children? If there are no children, do you think he will be a good father?

No – 1 point; Yes – 0 points;

Do you think that your life with your husband has improved compared to what it was before?

Yes – 0 points; No – 1 point;

Do you feel irritated with your husband on a daily basis?

Yes -1 point; No – 0 points;

Results:

0-3 points:

There are not as many problems in your marriage as you think. The results indicate that relationships can still be fought for. Try to think about how you can bring respect, love and other aspects of happy unions back into your marriage. Give your husband a chance.

4-7 points:

There are many problems in marriage, but if they have not been resolved for a long time, and you do not see the opportunity and desire of your husband to eliminate them, then this can lead to divorce.

8-11 points:

There is no point in continuing your life together. You need to separate at least for a while to look at marriage from a new angle. If problems are protracted, they are unlikely to be resolved. Don't waste time, it's time to move on separately from each other.

How to stop loving your ex-husband?

When a certain time has already passed and you have already cried, and the desire to return everything has gradually let go of you, you need to try to open yourself, take a step towards a new life and new relationships. And to do this, you need to absolutely soberly and consciously understand that you no longer love this person.

But if this is not the case and you still feel something for your ex-spouse, then it’s time to throw all these feelings off the cliff, saying goodbye to them forever.

For this, psychologists recommend using the following methods:

Get rid of all things that may remind you of him. It is visual memory that is the longest and strongest. If every day you come across some everyday objects that united you, then you unconsciously begin to remember the time when you were together. Therefore, remove everything that may remind you of him - photos, his clothes and other things, gifts that were given to him, and so on. If you don’t want to throw it all away, then put it all in some kind of box and put it somewhere away.
Ask your loved ones to close the topic of divorce. There is no need for people to immediately feel sorry for you at any meeting, to remember all this, to constantly sympathize with you and tell you what a scoundrel he is. The less you are reminded of the divorce, the faster and easier you will accept the situation and start a new life.
Try to focus on something good. Find the positives of divorced life. For example, there are no dirty socks lying around the house, you don’t have to wake up every morning at the crack of dawn and prepare breakfast, and dirty laundry, it turns out, can easily wait. Try to kind of enjoy it, getting the benefits and pleasure from such a single life. In the end, you now have so much time for yourself, your beloved! Go to the salon, get yourself in order and have a good shopping trip, update your look.
Don't be afraid to be flirty. This is not about new relationships, but simply flirting with strangers. This will improve your self-esteem. What if you accidentally meet a new friend or even a man.

Emotional release

In addition to everything listed above, there is another very effective way to get rid of any feelings for your ex-spouse. It will also restore your physical and moral strength, provide an opportunity to restore spiritual integrity and analyze your entire life.

Emotional release is a very good psychological practice that will help you calmly survive any negative event in your life. This practice consists of 7 main stages, the implementation of which should be carried out exclusively one by one.

The first stage is a description of feelings. Take a regular notebook and try to write on paper everything you feel about this person. Just don't think about divorce, because anger is just a side effect. You have had many years of truly sincere love. Therefore, do not be afraid to describe it all in beautiful and gentle words.

The second stage is a detailed answer. You need to write a detailed answer to each of these feelings to answer the question of why exactly this feeling arose. For example, if you feel sympathy now, write down what exactly touches you. Or if you feel guilty, describe what exactly causes this feeling. You must explain to yourself in as much detail and as honestly as possible why this or that condition has developed.

How to understand that it’s time to divorce your husband: main signs

Signs that indicate the inevitability of divorce

When you return home from work or a walk, you feel disappointed. It intensifies when it is discovered that the spouse is also at home. You are better off alone, without him. It's time to decide to divorce your husband if you are pleased by his absence from the same territory as you, for example, when he is on a business trip, or in any other absence. The solution is obvious if you feel relief in its absence.
There are no common topics for conversation. We are not talking about the dizzying feeling that occurs in lovers when it is pleasant to even just be silent. The silence of estranged spouses has a different character, and you understand this. You try to hide behind household chores, surf the Internet, take work home - all this takes priority over communicating with your spouse.
It's time to decide to divorce your husband if you don't know what's going on in his life and don't have much interest in it. The spouse shared with you all the details of the work, now you know about them in passing. He doesn't start a conversation, and you're okay with that.
Sex is a rare guest in your marriage. In the first months of marriage, almost every conflict ended with a kiss and intimacy. Now such a development of events is impossible - resentment and misunderstanding are stronger than desire. Now the bed remains primarily a place to sleep. Or you started sleeping separately (this point in itself is not scary if there are no other “symptoms” that it’s time to decide to divorce your husband).
One of the parties is having an affair. If this happens, you must immediately decide to divorce your husband. Do not justify the continued existence of marriage by children, long years of marriage, or familiar life. Relationships have become artificial, fragile, humiliating. Couples who delay divorce when cheating usually inevitably break up, regretting the lost time.
Coarseness. If there is physical violence, you need to leave immediately, without hesitation. Psychological and financial violence is also difficult to bear. Does your husband insult your appearance and intellectual capabilities? It is impossible to be happy at the same time. Financial violence can include the demand for a detailed report if you bought bread for 2 rubles more than usual, and other absurd situations related to finances that cause you anxiety.
No time for jokes. Even the most serious relationships will quickly become boring if there is no healthy humor in them. You are annoyed by your husband's jokes, he ignores yours, or you have stopped joking altogether - your marriage is in danger.