Author of the material:
Inna Trofimova
writer, psychologist, gestalt therapist
Who am i? This question takes one by surprise even in adulthood. But a scene from the book about Harry Potter immediately comes to mind: Hagrid tells the boy that he is a wizard. To which he replies: “I cannot be a wizard. I'm just Harry." The path of self-knowledge took 7 long volumes. And this is with the presence of spells for a magic wand. But we also have magical attributes at our disposal: books, advice from psychologists and trainers. Didn't work the first time? Nothing, the rat in the vase didn’t immediately turn around either.
The good news is that all the advice you need has already been given. The wisdom of self-knowledge was formed back in the time of Archimedes and has only slightly changed over time. The bad news: prescriptions don't help. Why? There are three reasons:
- It is beneficial for people to remain in a childlike state of helplessness. They know what to do, but choose the usual comfort and doing nothing.
- A sincere desire to help yourself is not enough. For every good piece of advice, you need a dozen more on how to implement it.
- Many expect miracles with minimal energy expenditure. Eager researchers want to learn a language in one evening and become an advanced yogi after a week of meditation.
Below is a checklist of seven points to work on yourself. A checklist is a list of checks. We passed the test, checked the box, crossed out the item, and felt relief. The list can be adjusted or supplemented.
Adopt parents.
Blaming parents for one's own failures has already become a trend. There is no point in this. Firstly, they raised their children as best they could, did not read columns in psychological magazines, and sometimes simply survived. Secondly, adult life lasts much longer than childhood, so there is every chance to educate yourself.
But sincerely forgiving a person whom you are used to looking up to is not easy. It's even harder to accept the fact that you have a lot in common. Staging reconciliation will only leave a sediment in the soul, but will not bring relief.
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Forgiveness is a hard journey, hard to start and impossible to finish. But there are a few tricks:
- You can ask for forgiveness in absentia. In life this is called “getting into someone else’s shoes,” but in psychology there is a method of two chairs.
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How does he work. Take 2 chairs. Sit on one yourself, sit on the other with an imaginary parent. Imagine him in detail: clothes, appearance, manner of sitting. Make a complaint to your imaginary dad or mom. After that, sit in their place and try to assess the situation from the point of view of their reality. And you can change for a long time, but don’t overdo it. What has accumulated over the years cannot be corrected at once.
- You don't have to forgive. You just need to learn to live with it. As the heroine of the film answered the question of whether she managed to make peace with her mother: “Mom and I agreed that we refuse to understand each other.”
I am my body
This is the most naive, but completely natural version of self-perception. Every day we see our body in many mirrors, and every time - lo and behold! - it demonstrates resigned submission to our will. If you wanted to raise your hand, you did. They wanted to make a grimace - easily. The body reacts most directly to the urges of the soul, which creates the illusion of inseparability or even identity with the “I”.
An adult says this: “I’m walking,” “I’m eating,” “I’m breathing,” “I’m freezing.” And when the body experiences this or that discomfort, it states: “I feel bad, I’m suffering.” But in fact, it’s not “I” who feel bad, but only my body...
In the first months of life, a child perceives his body as something foreign, external. He plays with his hands as if they were rattles, and only after some time does he notice the difference between his limbs and the objects of the surrounding world. An adult can recall similar experiences in his memory, by analogy with the sensations in a stagnant leg, when it seems to be there, but is perceived as someone else’s.
In fact, it is quite simple to feel the separation of yourself from your body - you just need to tune in to the right mood and focus your attention correctly. For example, you can stand under a cold shower and observe that it is the body that is freezing, while the “I” can remain on the sidelines and observe the process. It may not be possible to catch the right mood the first time, but not the first time, so the second - there is nothing complicated here.
Carrying out such a separation of yourself from your body is very important and interesting, since it allows you to treat bodily discomfort more philosophically in the future and maintain peace of mind, even when the body is not entirely comfortable. That is, you can suffer from hunger, or you can mean that the body wants a snack, and at the same time not suffer at all. The second option is somewhat more constructive, right?
Here you can also remember about instincts, which are embedded in the body at the genetic level and are in no way subordinate to us. That is, we, of course, can resist our instinctive urges, but we still have no power over them, and this confrontation itself does not end well. Instinct is the voice of life itself, and trying to drown it out leads to death.
Instincts are not subject to our “I”; we can only observe them in explicit or indirect form. One could say that “I” are my instincts, and this would be a good attempt to get closer to the truth. The foundations of instinctive behavior are inherent in us by nature, and not acquired through upbringing, so they can be trusted - they will not fail, because they express the needs of what a person is in general.
But still, “I” is not my instincts and “I” is not my body. The physical shell is rather one of the conditions for the task that we all solve when we come into this world. The essence of this problem and the key to its solution lies in something else.
Take starting conditions as given.
We did not choose which country and family we would be born into. They did not choose their date of birth and the place in which they grew up. This must be taken for granted. If you don’t do this, you can live your whole life tormented by comparisons: “but if I had...”, “if only I had...”. This illusion of choice only causes resistance. By accepting what is, we lay the foundation for accepting ourselves. Then we get another “adult” right – the right to choose. Choosing where to work not because your parents once forced you to graduate from university, but because you want to. Live according to your own scenario as you see fit.
What are my goals really?
Why is it important.
Because depending on your goals, it is also clear what kind of person you are. You may be naturally sweet and kind in reality, but have absolutely no development as a person.
It is not the static state of a person that is important,
and what it really is like in the dynamics of life.
No one can change overnight and no one demands it, but the years show the state and attitude of the person “who I really am.” Why is it important? Because in psychology, one can say that the law of thermodynamics also applies - “everything left unattended turns into chaos.” If you do not work on yourself and do not purposefully preserve your kindness or any other positive quality, then over time it may become depleted or even disappear and no longer be your character. It's like flowers in the garden. They need care, and without it they wither and disappear.
Conversely , a person with shortcomings and who understands that he needs to change can sincerely make efforts to do this and have results. This approach will characterize the person more positively. People around them often notice even small changes in a person’s personality, which he himself may underestimate. In fact, this approach is more valued by society and leads to good results.
“How incorrigible I really am!” some people think, expecting quick results. However, it is worth remembering that character and personality traits are acquired and developed over the years and very imperceptibly. Therefore, you should not expect changes in the blink of an eye. In fact, the process of changing character traits is a combination of efforts, changes in the environment and strong motivation.
Of course, goals can be not only to improve character. After all, there are so many interesting and truly exciting and desirable things in the world. The desire for something, the desire to develop is, in principle, a good characteristic. In fact, it is better to develop than not to develop.
Who am I really by nature - static or dynamic? Do I have goals, even small ones? Am I actually doing something to achieve them? Or is it my piggy bank of goals that lie in the back drawer?
Unlike character, which does not change as quickly as we would like,
some of our goals and dreams can be realized much faster.
This is shown by some short sayings: “many problems can be solved by getting up from the couch.”
Also good words - “Sometimes we can make our dream come true next weekend. But we make it our life’s dream!”
So if you have a dream that you can actually achieve faster, then do it. If you have truly long-term goals, then think through your intermediate goals and step by step, but confidently and decisively, go towards them.
How to achieve your goals?
Make a list of goals.
Don’t be afraid to set big goals, because someone has already achieved them once, which means you have a chance too. To achieve big goals, you need to write intermediate ones between them.
Next, break down your goals into potentially possible, potentially desirable, and actually necessary.
Next, number them in order of importance.
For example, let's say you struggle with pride and temper. This is actually an important goal.
The deadline when you want to see the result is September 1st.
Your intermediate goals would be to praise someone once a day, then praise someone throughout the week, etc.
Make an action plan
Write down a time frame for when you need to achieve this goal.
For example, saving up for a trip before the summer. Learn to touch type by the end of the year. It all depends on your abilities and capabilities. Therefore, it is better to write real deadlines.
Write down possible difficulties and ways to overcome them.
For example, a cold may prevent you from saving enough money for a trip, which is very likely. if your immune system is not so strong. Therefore, you shouldn’t put it off too late. A little more, then you will have a small reserve for unexpected expenses.
If you find it difficult to save money and not waste it, then give it to a trusted member of your family for safekeeping.
While you are saving, give up loans. If you take out a loan, you will definitely not achieve your goal. If the loan is not justified, that is, not vital, then it will simply be an unnecessary expense for you.
Let's say you set a goal - to develop some good quality that you lack. Your life experience, baggage, habits will not contribute to this. Therefore, firstly, get ready to fight with yourself and secondly, strictly adhere to your rules for adjusting your character.
For example, let's say you struggle with temper and want to be calmer and more balanced. A more specific goal is restraint in words. Your small goals and if you achieve them - victories, could be the following points -
in the morning tell someone “Good morning!” and wish you a good day,
the goal is a day without swearing, sarcasm and shouting,
give a compliment, praise someone,
give a compliment and praise yourself,
If an argument escalates in a queue at a store, go to another store. If it is not possible to leave, then by all means remain silent and simply make the purchase for which you actually came,
When faced with injustice towards someone or even towards yourself, then do not sort things out with an argument, but stop, breathe deeply, think about whether it is worth solving the matter on your nerves now, and if you have calmed down, then discuss the problem in the form of dialogue. It is in the form of dialogue, and not in the form of your angry monologue, with a breaking voice and accompanied by a further increase in blood pressure and a completely ruined day.
You need to clearly follow your goals for the day, otherwise your body and psyche will become lazy and will not try to change. However, if you lost your temper and couldn’t restrain yourself, then you shouldn’t beat yourself up for too long. You may have lost the battle, but not the war! Therefore, after analyzing what provoked you so much and why you allowed yourself to be provoked, try your best to restrain yourself next time in a similar situation.
Accept yourself.
Loving yourself is the most controversial advice that has already set teeth on edge. It causes constant debate among psychologists and researchers. Some believe that such a verbal appeal is naive. This is achieved through long-term behavioral training. Others prove that loving yourself is easy and offer themselves as a mentor. In any case, you need to love yourself, otherwise why look for a way to what you don’t love.
We believe that it is much easier to love yourself if you are thin than if you are fat. Or you can respect yourself as a successful person, but I, a loser, deserve only contempt. In fact, everything is exactly the opposite. Behind the simple phrase “love yourself” lies a bottomless layer of work on yourself. It sounds pompous, but it is what it is – you will have to dig long and deep. No one knows how to do this from start to finish.
There is not only one piece of advice, there is no single methodology. Someone explores themselves through attempts to love their own body. Someone is trying to establish social contact, and the usual hugs are already a feat for him. Someone is giving up illusions about their own omnipotence. Need to find. Need to try. Get angry, quit and look again. And a practicing psychologist and the “small steps” technique will help in this difficult matter.
How it works. Set yourself specific and measurable goals in time, actions or numbers. Then we can observe the result, find a reason to be proud of ourselves and begin to feel the path towards ourselves.
Wrong goal setting. Get rich / Lose weight
Correct goal setting. Next month (term) earn 10% more (figure) than last month / Lose two kilograms in a month. But before that, at least weigh yourself.
Result. After the agreed period, review the results. Things are going well - set a new goal. But just as fearless and measurable.
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To be youreself
Even if you know all the indicators listed above, it is difficult to remain yourself all the time because you are constantly changing and because society's values often conflict with your own. I love this quote from my colleague Gretchen Rubin:
“Even though my first commandment is, “Be yourself, Gretchen,” I have a very hard time understanding myself. I get so distracted by who I want to be or who I think I am that I lose track of who I really am.”
It only seems easy, but in reality being yourself is hard work!
However, there are several signs along the way. When you discover one of the above items, you will feel inspired. The process of self-discovery will energize you and at the same time save vitality. You will feel freer and stronger because you are no longer conforming to how you “should” feel, think or act. For example, I can remember my relief when I realized that I was an introvert. How nice it was to spend precious time alone with myself, without being tormented by obsessive thoughts that something was wrong with me!
Dose fanaticism.
We love to go to extremes. We neglect physical education for years, then we come to the gym and tear the barbell and ligaments. We go with the flow, suddenly become puzzled by the question of self-knowledge and off we go: tons of literature that is not only impossible to understand, but also impossible to read, seminars and an endless echo of the phrase: “Am I a trembling creature or do I have the right?”
Do not engage in self-analysis at work, while relaxing with family or meeting with friends. It is impossible to be turned on all your life, otherwise there will not be enough alcohol to relax. Set aside some time for self-reflection so you can talk to an intelligent person in a calm environment.
Distinguish between persistence and obstinacy.
Lack of flexibility interferes with life and work. It is especially significant for managers. Many of them behave too authoritarianly because they fear the laxity of their subordinates. Others, on the contrary, play at democracy and complain that they are not taken seriously. The solution is that at some moments it is worth being persistent, but you need to be able to listen and hear those around you.
Perseverance is the manifestation of flexibility and receptivity to change in achieving one's goal. It does not manifest itself to the detriment of one’s own principles, but it also does not allow one to isolate oneself from others. Finding an answer to the question “who am I?” - a deliberately incomplete process. Man is an open system, constantly changing and unpredictable. It is important to understand what set of beliefs moves you towards your goal and adjust it on the path of self-knowledge.
Benefits of Self-Knowledge
These may be obvious things, but let’s summarize a few reasons why you need to know your own nature:
- Happiness . You will be happier if you can learn to express yourself. Moreover, the ability to express your desires increases the chances of their realization. (What does it take to live a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness)
- Smoothing out internal contradictions . When your actions correspond to your feelings and inner values, internal contradictions are smoothed out.
- Improved decision making skills . By getting to know yourself, you can make better decisions, from buying a sweater to choosing a partner for the rest of your life. You will have ready-made solutions for various life problems.
- Self-control . When you know yourself, you understand what motivates you to resist bad habits and develop good ones. You will be able to understand what values and goals drive your willpower.
- Resistance to social pressure . If you have your own values and beliefs, you are less likely to say yes when you want to say no.
- Tolerance and understanding of others . Understanding your own shortcomings and problems can help you learn to empathize with others.
- Vitality and pleasure . Being who you really are means feeling more alive. This makes your life richer, richer and more interesting.
Now that you're convinced that you really need self-knowledge (not that you need convincing!), we'll move on to the vital indicators that underlie self-knowledge.
Correlate the scale of values and emotions.
Often we consider value what is customary to do in society. Or we want to look good in the eyes of others. But something inside always doesn’t fit together, there’s a feeling of some kind of incompleteness. There is an exercise to clarify the issue.
Exercise. Divide a sheet of paper into 2 parts. On the left, write 10 values in life: at the top is the most important one, and move downward to the bottom. In the right column, write 10 joyful occasions, also in descending order. Now compare these 2 lists to understand how values or priorities correspond to emotions in specific cases.
It’s a paradox, but often they are diametrically opposed. So, the opposite of playing sports is the pleasure of eating a burger. It turns out that significant life events excite the imagination less than simple everyday trifles. This is where the question of disagreement between the concepts of “necessary” and “important” arises. If they do not coincide at all, then you are at the very beginning of the path to yourself.
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I am my mind
The next and most problematic level of misunderstanding is identifying yourself with your thoughts, with what is happening on the very surface of consciousness. The same principle of perception is at work here - “I am what I control.” The ability to manage internal dialogue creates the illusion that this is where my selfhood, my “I”, is expressed. After all, I can only take credit for my merits and be proud of them if they were the result of the expression of my free will, and not of animal instinct or psychological automatism.
In classical psychology there is the concept of “Ego”, which is considered the center of the conscious part of the personality, and novice lovers of psychological research easily fall into the misconception that “I” and Ego are one and the same. But this is very far from the truth. The ego is just an adaptation mechanism, a layer between the external and internal world. Its function is utilitarian, but by a strange coincidence, it is the Ego with all its contradictions that finds itself at the forefront, which creates the ground for all psychological problems.
Metaphor from life. We know that the ship is controlled by the captain, and if the ship were to ask the question of where its “I” is, then the correct answer would be “I am the captain” (let’s leave aside for now the romantic ideas about the ship’s own soul). But then a strange metamorphosis occurs and the ship suddenly begins to believe that it is the helm, because it is the movements of the helm that cause a change in course and thus seem to express the freedom of the ship's will. But has this ship gone crazy? Wasn't he too proud in this helm-centrism of his?
The same thing happens every time a person identifies himself with the stream of thoughts in his consciousness. Thoughts are just ripples on the water, the result of the wind blowing, but not the wind itself. Considering yourself your thoughts, equating yourself with your Ego is a legalized form of madness.
In practice, this leads to many everyday problems that cannot be solved without moving to the next level of awareness. This is exactly the point of application of strength that practicing psychologists are struggling with - it is necessary to knock the patient out of his usual confidence that to be a reasonable person means to be a healthy person.
Psychologists have even come up with a special term - rationalization, but they usually use it in a narrower sense - for example, to describe this form of psychological defense when the patient sucks out a rational rational explanation for his irrational behavior and thus avoids the need to recognize the true nature of his actions.
That is, a person commits some kind of recklessness (cheating on his wife, for example), and then, instead of coming to terms with the fact that he really wanted it, that this act reflects his true personality, he comes up with a rational “explanation” which relieves him of responsibility and allows him to continue to remain in the happy illusion that he is a respectable husband. He says, “I did it because...” and then starts lying. This is rationalization - self-deception through the logical justification of one’s actions.
In a broader sense, the rational perception of oneself leads to such an internal position - “I am what I think about myself, “I” am what I decided to be - and this is the most utter stupidity that can be.
For example, a person, having read smart articles on some website, is imbued with the logic of the reasoning given there about the relativity of any moral assessments and says to himself - “Great! From now on, I will believe that there is nothing good or evil in people, people are neutral, they cannot be judged.”
And having said this, he considers the job done: understood - that means he has changed. But as soon as a close friend slips him a big pig, he finds himself in a suspended and very contradictory state - his friend cannot be considered a bastard, after all, it was decided that there is no good and evil, but at the same time there is no way to forgive him - everything is burning inside and I want to tear this worst friend into pieces.
Here you have an internal conflict - at the intellectual level a person believes that there is no good and evil, but at the level of his emotions he continues to give out assessments left and right with the same categoricalness. And in the same way he continues to judge himself for every mistake and praise himself for every smallest victory. This creates the ground for self-doubt - real behavior does not correspond to rational ideas about oneself, how can one trust oneself?
The mind is extremely resourceful in this game of its own, and that is why psychologists dislike smart people to a great extent. If the patient's intellect is not very sophisticated, then bringing it to light is relatively simple - his logic contains a lot of obvious contradictions, paying attention to which, you can quickly lead the person to the realization that he knows nothing about himself, and make him learn yourself from scratch. But the trouble with smart people is that their logic is subtler and deeper, and it is much more difficult to destroy it.
In the same way, there are great difficulties with people who are narrow-minded, but principled - you can’t understand them at all with logic, they are not interested in it, since all their internal rationalizations are built on blind faith in certain rules and principles. These are dogmatists, and it is even more difficult to dig under them than under smart people. Well, that's not what we're talking about.
So, “I” is not my mind, not what I think about myself, not what I consider right and wrong, not my principles, not my views, not what I decided and came up with - This is all superficial nonsense, which cannot be satisfied in any way. “I” is something else that is much deeper.
Listen to the strings of your soul.
A person lives in sensations: physical, emotional and mental. How to understand yourself? From time to time, sit on the bank of a real or imaginary river and think about your destiny. If the strings of your soul are ringing, you should continue to do your job. If not, you need to work on yourself further.
Life advice from Pyotr Mamonov (actor, musician, poet): “Ask yourself a question: why am I living? Just ask it really. If no one felt good today because I lived the day, then I lived it in vain.”
From words to deeds
Well, all philosophy is useless if it cannot be put into practice. Usually everyone expects clear instructions on what exactly to do, like 10 steps to success and the like. But we must remember that following someone else’s plan, even an ideal one, will never lead to the goal. Self-discovery is a creative process
, you definitely need to put YOUR soul, YOUR spirit, YOUR experience, YOUR intuition into it. It is impossible to find yourself by following in other people's footsteps.
Someone else’s experience can be used as a starting point, other people’s discoveries can be used as lighthouses on coastal peaks, but you still have to find your own fairway yourself.
Well, in a practical (and therapeutic) sense, a good attitude is: “I am my actions.” Real actions do not deceive as the devious mind does, and they are not as vague as feelings and emotions. Every act, every real action in the real world is a fact, it is a firm and completely unambiguous expression of the essence of a person. If you want to know yourself, study your actions.
