3 steps to help you let go of your past love once and for all

08/05/201612/11/2017 Nadezhda Plotnikova

Standard story: just yesterday there was a girl you loved next to you, who seemed to you an ideal candidate for the role of life partner and mother of future children. However, now you are alone - SHE is gone.

Maybe there is no love anymore, another guy has taken over her flighty heart, maybe you yourself are to blame for the breakup. But so far there is no strength to clarify the root cause, since mental suffering is becoming more and more intense.

All your thoughts now are only about how to forget the girl you love, and this is right, because only by getting rid of the fragments of past happiness can you prepare to meet new love.

What will help:

Emotions out. Don't suppress your feelings, swallow your tears or put on a smile. Now you must “suffer” through all the experiences and cry all the tears. This will allow you to release the negativity hidden inside and truly let go of past relationships.
Creation. Read poems and novels that will resonate with understanding in your soul. Let the stories of the main characters of the films pass through you. Draw or write yourself: pour out your gnawing thoughts onto paper. Find something that makes you feel better.
Support from friends. Don't be afraid to go to your loved ones when you feel too sad. They will help you with advice, listen silently, or distract you from your worries.

Caution: This step is definitely important, but don't get stuck on it for too long.

How to let go of someone you love

Parting with a person close to your heart, with whom you have had a long-term, warm relationship, can become a true bolt from the blue.
Over the period they spent together, lovers become family. Despite everything, parting must be met as calmly as possible and not allow negative emotions to ruin all the good things. You need to work on yourself and leave the past far behind.

What does it mean to “let a person go”?

This phrase does not in all cases mean falling out of love or erasing from memory. This usually involves:

The ability to live taking into account one’s own feelings and emotions;
Stop tracking the personal life of your ex;
The desire to sincerely enjoy life;
Getting rid of anger in the soul;
Lack of thirst for revenge;
Readiness to meet true love;
The ability to learn from your mistakes.

There is no need to keep a person around you who does not reciprocate. It won't make anyone happy and it will exhaust both of them. Having understood for yourself that love must be mutual, there is no point in resisting; in this case, no matter how difficult it may be, it will be better to let go of your loved one.

How to let go correctly

First, it makes sense to meet with your lover and discuss all the details of the upcoming breakup.
If a loved one leaves for a new love, then the wisest decision would be to wish him happiness and say goodbye. In theory, of course, it looks very easy. But in reality everything turns out to be quite difficult. The only thing that needs to be done at the initial stage is to distract yourself from thoughts related to the separation. A mutual decision to break up is the best option. Passion and love faded away as the lovers slowly got to know each other. The desire to become the best for the beloved has disappeared. The relationship became routine and burdensome. Monotony and excessive speed are to blame for everything. We need to try to remember all the good things that happened that brought them both joy.

If resuming the relationship is not possible, then the imminent decision to end the relationship will not cause anyone much pain, but it is necessary to maintain a respectful attitude and your dignity. Break up calmly, without hysterics or scandal, leaving behind good memories of yourself and your past relationships.

How to behave after a breakup

Something needs to be done.
Energetic activities in most cases save a person in moments of imaginary hopelessness. Work makes it possible to focus your attention on the implementation of direct responsibilities, distraction from love experiences with work, and does not give time for anxiety and sadness, at least for a short period of time. A substitute can be study, an interesting hobby. You should try to avoid loneliness at least for the first time after a breakup. The desire to be alone with yourself and reflect on what happened is quite logical and understandable. All the consolations and words of others at such moments seem empty and meaningless, and the desire to help is mistaken for unnecessary pity. Nevertheless, it is better to be among people: constant communication will also provide an opportunity to escape from sad thoughts at least for a while.

Dankina Nadezhda · 20 Dec, 2020

What will help:

Working through situations. All quarrels experienced in a relationship are stored in the subcortex and affect our behavior. You can avoid their negative influence. Take time, take a notebook with a pen and “turn on” your subconscious. Write about all the problems, grievances and fears that have ever arisen in your relationship with your loved one. The main thing is not to control the flow of thoughts and record every detail.
Don't turn the period into a comma. Women are often tempted to return to the past: it immediately seems to us that everything was magical or that it will definitely happen next time. But you shouldn’t give in to illusions. Getting back is unlikely to lead to a happy ending, and prolonging the breakup will only cause more pain.

End of love

Why doesn't love leave a relationship because of one quarrel or resentment? The fading of feelings is a too smooth process, which sometimes happens unnoticed by one of the partners.

The feeling of distance can occur during ordinary quarrels, but it is too short-lived. Did your loved one hurt? You have forgiven and continue to love each other.

It is very rare for two lovers to lose their mutual feelings at the same time. Usually the step towards separation is taken by the one who is more disappointed.

This role is less painful in terms of consequences, which is why you can often hear from divorced people: “In fact, it was I who abandoned him/her.”

But no matter how advantageous your position is when breaking up, both you and your partner will feel suffering and longing for all the good things that happened between you.

You can't easily forget the person you love, but time and effort can overcome the pain of a broken heart. So, how to forget your loved one and start a new life?

Accept and forgive

There is no point in holding grudges against your ex, because even if you hate, you do not let him out of your thoughts. The best thing you can do is to forgive all your partner's sins and accept him for who he is.

If you broke up with a guy, try to remember all his mistakes and misdeeds. Don't try to justify him or get angry about such stupid behavior. Recognize that these mistakes are part of his personality.

You're not offended by the cactus for its prickly needles, are you? He is who he is. If you are afraid of injuring your fingers, get yourself a less thorny plant, and the cactus will find another owner. Do you think you still need advice from a psychologist?

Expand your horizons

A loved one was the whole world for us because of which we did not pay attention to what was going on around us. Do you know about the number of people on the globe? Until you get to know everyone, you can't say that your ex-boyfriend was ideal.

How to forget love? Communicate and be open to new acquaintances, travel, attend master classes and clubs on various hobbies. Don’t tell yourself “I can’t”; try to find solace in other joys of life.

By discovering a few new hobbies, driving along the roads of new cities or countries and making several hundred new acquaintances, you will change your perspective on the past. The old life will seem like a blink of an eye compared to what you still have to do.

We would also like to share with you a comprehensive commentary from our expert - psychologist, sexologist, psychotherapist, author and presenter of educational programs for psychologists Tatyana Slavina:

When you break up with your loved one, it feels like your whole world has collapsed. You cannot imagine your future and start living in the past because your present is painful.
There are several tips you can use to get out of this state.
First, accept and realize: the relationship is over, and the old life will never be again. This is a good way to understand that you will have to build it again.
Second, remove all items from your life and home that are associated with past relationships. Go around the places of your romantic walks and avoid any reminders of your ex-lover.
Thirdly, life and consciousness change radically: you have a lot of free time - don’t spend it alone, feeling sorry for yourself and sinking into depression.
On the contrary: this is the best moment to take up exactly those hobbies that you have always put off. Sports, drawing, learning French, finally!
Fill your time with what you have long dreamed of. After all, a new relationship may soon begin, but you still won’t learn how to dance bachata! And most importantly: realize that you have become free! Free from those attitudes with which you limited yourself and your desires in the name of your relationship.
Write down on paper everything you sacrificed and everything you made mistakes in. This will become your experience.
After all, it is important not just to forget a person, but to live on, and right now you can choose for yourself the life in which you will be truly happy.
And believe me: a new round of development, a new circle of friends, and, of course, new and happy relationships awaits you!

What will help:

Meditation. It has a positive effect on the state of mind and the body as a whole. Dedicate at least 10 minutes a day to it and soon you will feel all-encompassing happiness and harmony with yourself. After parting with your loved one, the following type of practice works best: as you exhale, let go of the past, as you inhale, accept the future.
Fill your life with bright colors. Sign up for an unusual sport, go to the theater, cook a new dish, run in the evenings and finally buy yourself some lace lingerie. Yes, yes, the same one you’ve been eyeing for several months now. Not for someone, but for yourself. Don't be afraid to be considered selfish: pamper yourself and enjoy life.

The past must be remembered and learned from its mistakes. But under no circumstances should you stay in it. Allow yourself to let go of your relationship with your loved one and take a confident step towards the present. Enjoy the little things and just be happy.

Second stage: recovery

Of course, moving to the second stage does not mean that you are completely cured of your love. You are still worried, sad and remembering old times, because everything around you reminds you of recent happiness. However, now you can think more soberly and logically.

Like a patient in recovery, you may be trying to walk but still cannot run. Be careful. Repairing a broken heart is no less important than the first stage.

Every time you have associations and remember an exciting past, tell yourself: it was a good time, but now it is in the past, and I have a new happy life. Don't try to stop thinking about your ex, it will only make you more focused on him, but don't let yourself get lost in daydreams. Be careful, you may not get out and thereby return yourself to the first stage or prolong the second longer than it should go.

If memories arise in your thoughts, scroll through them. It's normal to remember the past. We all do this all the time. The only question is how strong or painful these memories are to influence our actions and actions in the present. Now you are still vulnerable, so go through the memories, if they come up, and say: it was a good time, but now it is in the past and now I have a new happy life.

Rest assured, every day your condition will get better and better. There are so many interesting things ahead. Now you have new horizons and opportunities that you could not even think about. Our human nature is such that we tend to grieve for what we have lost, but we always get something in return.

Think about this: perhaps your feelings for this person were sincere and truly strong, but in this relationship you were not able to truly open up. It is true that each of us has our true partner. Some people will have several of them in their life. But it doesn’t matter how many relationships you are destined to go through. These particular ones ended because you spiritually or psychologically grew from them, because you are ready for a healthier or higher relationship.

This happens all the time, when one partner chooses to change, and the second remains at the same level, and then, it turns out, nothing binds such people, only habit remains. It's time to say goodbye, because now a higher power has chosen a more suitable partner for you. Isn't this wonderful?

Practical work:

After 10 days, read the letter written for your ex-partner. Delete if it is on the computer, or burn the paper one.
Write a new letter, where you would tell what has changed in you during this time. If grievances and pain remain, pour it all out on paper without hesitation.
Prepare 7 stickers, on each of which write one of your favorite activities, for example, watching a melodrama, visiting a cafe with a friend, shopping, reading a short novel, etc. Place all the stickers in a small bag. Every day, take out one sticker at random and be sure to complete the task. If you need to choose a new phone case today, then this is your #1 activity for the day.

How to forget a guy

Instead of shedding tears into your pillow and walking around with red eyes, you need to take care of yourself. Now there is extra time that can be devoted to sports, cosmetic procedures, face and body care. It's time to engage in self-development and change your life.

The following tips will help you quickly forget a person:

find new hobbies, change jobs;
walk more, communicate with different people;
flirt with other guys.

Girls need to catch admiring glances; they instantly increase their self-esteem. Therefore, it would be useful to buy new dresses and sandals, and give yourself some expensive gift. You need to learn to enjoy other things.

Sometimes it's not easy to forget someone

Life is not without losses

Every person sooner or later loses loved ones. It hurts, it’s difficult, but after this you can find the strength to live on. But how can you forget the person you love? Is it possible to get him out of my head forever? Yes, but why do it if you can just keep a fond memory of him?

Don’t keep negative thoughts in your head, communicate more often with loved ones and look for as many positive moments in life as possible. Even if you can’t do it quickly, don’t be discouraged, time is the great doctor.

You yourself create a picture of the world, so let it be bright and filled with love for yourself and others.
Team Growth Phase, Growth Phase

To return years later or not

The plot of many romantic films is structured this way: two lovers break up in their youth, and when they meet 20-30 years later, their feelings begin to flare up with new emotions. But if movie heroes manage to carry love through their entire lives and reunite, then in reality such stories can rarely be found.

It is almost impossible to repeat your first love after many years for the following reasons:

People change throughout their lives. The man who was adored in his youth is no longer there. After 20 years, this is a different person with a new set of beliefs and views. Over so much time a person could become either better or worse.

Over the course of several decades, not only the chosen one has changed, but also the person who loves him. If earlier a woman was open and naive, then in adulthood she may experience enormous difficulties in finding a common language with her lover.
Different social statuses, outlooks on life, the presence of a family and children can also prevent you from renewing a relationship. Few people will want to change their established way of life for the sake of a person from the past, so there is no need to hope that he will take risks.

Although they say that strong love will break out at any age, you should not stir up old contacts. It is better to direct all energy to real life, which is happening here and now. If the past prevents you from focusing on the present, you need to make every effort to correct the current situation.

How long does the process take?

No one knows how long it takes to forget a loved one.
And here the strength of love does not matter, but completely different factors influence. People could live together for 10 years, and after a week not remember each other. Why is this happening? Three factors influence:

The person does not accept the situation. You need to immediately realize that everything is over and turn the page. This is not a bad dream, the person will not come tomorrow. It hurts, but that’s how it is.
Focus on the object. You need to occupy your thoughts as much as possible with other people, hobbies, and work. You should not go on social networks, carry photos with you, or re-read old correspondence. You need to reconsider three simple tips on how to forget a loved one. They are listed above.
Reclusion. If a person is lonely, then bad thoughts will involuntarily return to him. We need to communicate. If friends and relatives don’t have time, you can go on a trip, change your environment, visit new places, and make new acquaintances.

The environment also has an influence. If there are sympathetic people around with pity in their eyes, you won’t be able to quickly and forever forget your loved one. You need to show yourself as an optimist who has crossed this stage of life.

Advice from a psychologist to quickly forget the man you love

Realize that after you finally break up with this person, your life will not end. Yes, you can significantly spoil it for yourself by continuing to worry about failed relationships, but you can also change it for the better by filling it with new activities and meetings.
Some women find it difficult to abruptly break off contact with a person for whom they have feelings; in this case, a short delay can help. For example, promise yourself that for exactly one more week you will allow yourself to suffer, thinking about why your romance didn’t work out. You can even afford calls, messages and meetings, but all this time you must firmly know: “on such and such a date it all ends.”
Realize that now you are beginning a different life that will flow without this person. It is logical to start a new life with some bright impressions. It is best to go on an exciting trip - you can choose to travel with a friend or visit another city alone. The main rule is that this place should not evoke memories of the person you want to forget.

Forget a married man

First of all, you have to realize all the disadvantages of a relationship with a person who is already married.

He cheated on his wife, and he might cheat on you too

You may think that he cheated on his wife with you as an exception, and if you got together with him, he would remain faithful to you. Unfortunately, the fact that a man did not end one relationship and started a new one does not speak in his favor. You can never be completely sure that he does not have a mistress. It seems that your chosen one does not solve all the problems in the family in the best way - he ignores them, immersing himself in a new romance.

Your time is running out forever

You believe that meetings with a married man are not serious for you, and you can refuse them at any time. You convince yourself that this relationship is just fun and you are open to other relationships. In fact, as long as you have this man in your life, you are unlikely to decide on a new romance. Dating an unavailable guy in most cases results in a painful relationship that can last for years, taking up your time and energy.

After a couple of years, you will begin to realize that you have given too much to this novel, and you will not want to end it, hoping that your lover will still leave for you. No matter what stage your relationship with a married man is at, it’s worth breaking it off.

Dating a married man destroys your self-esteem

Maybe at first you will be flattered by the fact that for some reason a married guy became so interested in you that he even decided to cheat on his wife. At first, your meetings will be accompanied by thrills, but when you realize that your chosen one does not plan to leave his family for you, your self-esteem will begin to suffer significantly. You will see that he lives a real life with his wife - in front of his family and friends. You only have a small part of his time left: secret SMS (so that his wife doesn’t see); lonely holidays; uncomfortable conversations with your family when it comes to your personal life; and the status of a mistress itself will lose its advantages every month.

How to cut a married man out of your life

Understand that you deserve to live in a full-fledged marriage, establish small traditions in your family, celebrate the New Year and other holidays with your beloved man and other loved ones, and feel like the only one. It doesn’t matter how old you are - the sooner you realize the futility of an affair with a person who, for some reason, decided to cheat on his wife with you, the sooner your life will change for the better.

Give up meeting him and any close communication - either he finds a way to be only with you, or you must move forward without him. And, most likely, the second option would be more profitable for you.

Give a chance to new love

Give other men a chance to woo you. If during the period of dating a married man you have lost all your admirers, then this is a reason to make new acquaintances - you can even do it online. Now your basic rule: the new chosen one must be free. Allow yourself to be the woman you love who always comes first.

I WANT to forget my ex! — Method 1

Just be honest: how much time a day does it take you to turn this question “How to forget your ex-loved one” in your head? I admit that it is a lot. In addition to time, an incredible amount of mental energy is spent on this. Trying to cope with memories and feelings is not living. Your life is like in a science-fiction thriller where time is stopped - frozen.

I'll tell you a secret. The more you want to forget your ex-husband (boyfriend), the less you succeed. Why? This is the principle of our psyche. The more we fight any feelings, the stronger they become. The process of your ex being in your head seems to be fueled by your burning desire to forget him quickly. It’s as if you are feeding this process with your psychic energy.

What should I do? Let's turn on a wonderful method called “paradoxical intention”.

Paradoxical means “on the contrary.” Intention (from Latin intenti - meaning intention, desire).

How does this method work? I think you have noticed many times that the more you forbid yourself something, the more you want it. After all, the forbidden is sweet.

Therefore, we ALLOW ourselves to think and remember our ex.

I foresee objections. “Well, I’ll never forget him.” No, dear readers. You'll forget! Believe me. Just like you have already forgotten some previous exes. And you don’t remember them, would you agree? And you will forget this.

But for now, to make the task easier, we do the following trick :

We track how much time a day you REALLY suffer because of it. 10%? Or, 20%? Or 5%? It's important to be honest here. Because, you see, you don’t remember and suffer all day long. Besides this, you still work, study, live your life, do things, sleep in the end.

Did you track it? And now: let’s allow ourselves this time to remember him. It's OK. Allow me - and relief and oblivion will come on their own! It is important for us to understand that the ex only sits in our head for some time. Not 24/7!

Author: Ekaterina Kholodova, psychologist. You can sign up for an ONLINE consultation with me via Skype, WhatsApp, Telegram, Viber

No more random encounters (with her)

Just because you know where she works, where she goes on weekends, who she communicates with, and how she likes to spend time in the evenings, this does not mean that you need to use this information.

You shouldn’t think that if you allegedly accidentally walk near her place of work, she will notice you and understand how wrong she was, after which she will rush into her arms to ask for a reunion.

Most likely, you will meet, exchange some routine remarks, create a tense environment for each other, and after all this she will still think that you are desperate and will want to see you even less.

Three stories

David

David was already a famous artist, I was still studying. The passion that threw us into each other's arms grew into a whirlwind romance - with travel, betrayals, separations and heated reconciliations. He proposed a couple of times, and I didn’t refuse, but something once again separated us, leaving some kind of fatal attraction.

We were both tired of such relationships, and after another breakup, a long and painful period of forgetting began. It was a feat every second. The clothes given to them, the profession given to them, the same city, mutual friends - everything reminded them of their loved one. Or he himself, appearing with an armful of flowers. How to forget such a man? To overcome myself and not call, not go into the workshop, not return again to this boiling water - the struggle with myself was waged not for life, but for death.

I knew in my heart that nothing would work out with us, that even if we really got married, we would definitely separate. And only two years later, when he met a more suitable girl, the tossing stopped and I finally exhaled.

Andrew

For several years I loved a man living in another hemisphere. We saw each other only a few times, but from the very first meeting we understood: we would not soon forget each other. The connection was such that we were thinking about the same thing, writing to each other at the same time, and I could, for example, accurately name his date of birth, simply by asking this question internally.

Walking around the city, it was as if I was looking around not with my own eyes, but with his. There was never even a small doubt about this person - the trust was absolute, as in oneself, and the closeness was physically palpable. She provided incredible inspiration!

Unfortunately, we were unable to connect. My beloved had to wait for a residence permit; I was not ready to move. Despite the internal experiences and the impossibility of being together, I didn’t want to forget either Andrew or my love for him. Why forget the miracle that illuminated life?

One might think that this lightness and lightness is a consequence of distance. That's what I decided. How surprised I was when the most painful breakup in my life became... an online breakup.

Floor

In reality, Paul and I never met - which was the reason for the end. Correspondence, conversations, video calls - common thoughts and feelings were enough to “fall into love” headlong. The emotional connection was so strong that my beloved felt every glance of those around me in my direction, and I dreamed of living my life with him.

My heart broke when, after months of growing tension, my loved one suddenly refused to come. How to forget the most precious person in the world? That's exactly what Paul became. Impossible. Neither the distance of thousands of kilometers nor the lack of personal meetings eased the grief. Everything - the light of the sun, a cup of coffee, people on the street, my own voice - absolutely everything reminded me of him.

It often seems to us that it is difficult to forget a loved one because of the common city, friends, children, property. In fact, even a distance of many thousands and the absence of physical contact and mutual acquaintances does not help. You can completely lose interest in the person sleeping in the same bed with you. And not being able to tear out of your heart an overseas lover whom you have never touched.

You will suffer another time.

Still from the film “In Flight”

We don't know what happened to you. Perhaps this is a bitter separation due to the fact that she left for someone else, or unrequited love that you have been experiencing for a long time, or incompatible characters that do not allow you to be together.

Whatever it was, you were prepared to suffer, tear out your hair and complain to everyone about your difficult fate. However, all you need is to forget everything that happened and continue to breathe deeply, enjoying life in all its manifestations.

In this material we will tell you how to forget the girl you love. Naturally, it will not be easy, but with a serious approach you will succeed.

Thank you heart that you know how to love so much

Any experience is development. Pain is the background for the knowledge of pleasure and a signal that we are doing something wrong or not doing what is necessary. Forgetting the bad means throwing yourself back, because forgetting does not bring correction. Having gone through pain and understood its causes, we not only free ourselves from it and acquire immunity, we become better, more perfect, and therefore happier, including in love.

Today, with peace of mind, I can call Andrew, Paul, and even David my friends. Not in some abstract sense, but in a completely concrete sense. We communicate, we are happy with each other, we are in each other’s lives. Enjoying an exhibition, supporting a release or a successful project, drinking a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, supporting and simply discussing events in the world - this is a reality that seemed impossible during the moments of a painful separation. I am happy about Andrew’s two children, David’s happy marriage, and Paul’s success. And I know for sure that this is mutual.

How does first love manifest itself?

When love bursts into a person's life, everything around him changes. An incredible desire to accomplish feats awakens in men, and a sea of affection and tenderness appears in women. A person in love begins to perceive the world around him more positively and brightly.

First love is so strong that because of it people stop hearing the voice of reason. They begin to be guided only by the call of their heart. The wonderful sensations associated with love have a number of features:

The first love most often occurs at a young age, when the personality is not fully formed. In this case, strong feelings become a severe test for a person. The further development of his personality depends on the outcome of love.
According to psychologists, first love is not always real. But because of the strong and unusual emotions that boys and girls face, the memory of this feeling remains for a lifetime.
It’s bad if your first love turns out to be unrequited. Due to unfinished emotions, a person can yearn for many years and wait for reciprocity.
Love in youth is usually short-lived. They fall in love with a person who, after 1-2 years, noticeably matures and becomes different.

It is not so important at what age bright feelings came to a person. You shouldn't hide from them. This experience must be accepted and lived through with dignity in order to build strong love relationships in the future.