Being a good girl in the modern world is fraught with negative consequences. You have to spend a lot of effort to please others, without receiving gratitude. Some people, due to their character or upbringing, cannot appreciate actions done for their sake.
Sometimes they don’t even say “thank you” for favors. Even girls with an angelic character do not have the patience to endure such disrespect; their nervous system begins to suffer. I want to stop being good to everyone, to live for myself, without worrying about the opinions of others. It's better to treat people the way they are.
Then there will be no feeling of injustice, but whether this is the right decision, everyone has their own answer. Most good girls are used to saying “yes” and not refusing to help people. Such mercy is perceived as weakness, people begin to take advantage. It's time to learn to defend your opinion, stop being led by your childhood beliefs, fears and desires of others.
What constitutes a good girl
CONTENT:
Before fighting excessive mercy, it is necessary to understand what constitutes a portrait of a good girl. According to psychologists, this is a set of children's attitudes. Girls try to please others with all their might, not noticing their own desires. Those with a soft character have anal-visual ligaments of vectors. This is a set of innate properties and human desires, responsible for preferences, way of thinking, system of values and behavior.
In total, a person has 3-5 vectors. A number of them create stable connections that manifest themselves in certain life episodes. There are people who have a virtuoso memory. Humanity needs them to accumulate acquired experience and knowledge and pass it on to the future generation. This category of people become good teachers and tutors. They have an anal vector. Character traits include decency and the desire to always seem good.
And for people with an anal-visual vector, these aspirations are even stronger. As children, they are called “golden children.” A child with an anal-visual vector considers the emotional connection with his mother important. He is very vulnerable and has a hard time with parental stinginess and neglect.
Children with an anal vector are positive and always expect praise from their parents. They try their best to make them proud. Looking at the child’s efforts, adults begin to praise him excessively, sometimes undeservedly. He develops an endorphin addiction to praise, which does not disappear into adulthood. A person will strive to please others in everything.
What do good girls lack?
In order for work on yourself to be successful, you need to decide what character traits good girls lack.
- Sincerity. This is the most important point. Diligent girls are used to running away from their feelings, not showing them to others, and pretending. You should learn to recognize your needs, hear yourself, and not hide your emotions under a mask.
- Learn to say no. It is important to do this so as not to go to bed with the first person you meet, not to fulfill duties for everyone at work, and not to give in to others in line and financial matters. It will be difficult to say “no” the first time. It’s hard to see surprise, anger, disappointment in someone else’s eyes, but you have to accept it. It will get easier with every refusal. When a person does not know how to say “no,” his “yes” is also devalued. Even Mother Teresa refused to take part in anti-war marches and to return money donated to the fund by dishonest people.
- Understanding yourself and your desires. Many good girls don't know what they want. This is a grave mistake. When you don't know what you want, you won't achieve anything. Only if you have a clear goal can you achieve it. Without a specific task in front of you, achieving something is unrealistic.
- Get involved in a quarrel. For a good girl, any conflict is stressful. She is used to avoiding quarrels, but here she needs to take part in it herself. This will help you relax and learn not to be offended. It is important to defend your interests, and conflicts help with this. It is not necessary to make a quarrel out of nothing. If a person tried to offend first, you need to rebuff him verbally. Fighting is also not the best solution.
- The ability to balance between “taking” and “giving.” Good girls give a lot, but don't know how to take. This is their fatal mistake, thanks to which they are often left with nothing.
- Love. Diligent girls try to earn love when they themselves don’t have it in their souls. This is a priori incorrect. Instead of love, fear, emptiness and disappointment settle in the soul.
By carrying out daily psychological work on yourself, you will be able to eradicate the desire to please everyone in 2-3 months.
When I was a girl...
When I was in school and college, I laughed with the boys at blondes who couldn’t do anything themselves, didn’t understand anything. And it was very disappointing when later these same boys gave flowers to those same blondes and took them to the cinema, and I, all so smart, stayed at home without flowers. Once upon a time it seemed to me that I should be able to do everything myself, so that if something happens, I won’t get lost. Be able to provide for yourself. Know how to re-paste the wallpaper yourself. And even graduate from such a non-female university.
I remember myself like this from childhood - a special love for men's games and activities. Now I’m Robin Hood, now I’m a midshipman, now I’m Malchish-Kibalchish. I have never been a princess in games, I thought Cinderella was kind of strange, all the other princesses seemed boring. Here come the knights! Pirates!
My friends, of course, were boys. And this determined the occupation - Cossack robbers, war, battles. I lived most of my life as a boy. This has had a special impact on my life, my health, my relationships. And while I’m raising my boys, I’m increasingly asking myself the question: how to raise girls? I found many answers - in the sacred scriptures, in the lectures of Teachers, in communication with those who are good at raising girls. I will try to organize these postulates.
Why is it dangerous to be good to everyone?
The desire to please everyone sometimes plays a cruel joke. Good girls have to suffer for their mercy throughout their lives.
- Building a loving relationship with a good girl is difficult. Next to her, the partner feels like a tyrant. The good girl endures everything, practically does not object in an argument, hides her feelings under a mask. It is difficult to understand her; a loved one is tormented by a feeling of guilt. Against this background, discord is possible, the man will leave for another woman, more genuine in terms of emotions.
- If a diligent girl becomes a mother, her children run away from her because of a sense of eternal duty, or sit on her neck all their lives.
- Such a woman’s girlfriends and friends are not real. They ignore her feelings because they don't matter to her.
The biggest disadvantage of a good girl is that she comes to the aid of everyone, but few people come to her. Often, merciful women are taken advantage of by those around them, bringing them suffering. A victim complex is formed, the girl unwittingly “invites” her offender to conflict. Good girls act on aggressive people like a red rag to a bull. They often marry poor men: alcoholics, drug addicts, sadists. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” - this proverb clearly illustrates the life of a good girl.
So what should we do?
After analyzing your character, you should take action. The following tips will help you cope with the desire to please everyone. If you are unable to carry out psychological work on yourself on your own, you should contact a psychoanalyst.
- Don't make your bed in the morning. It’s difficult for a diligent girl to do this, but it’s necessary. A little clutter will do the trick.
- Make a collage of wishes. You can cut out pictures from magazines depicting your goals. It could be a car, a man, a new house, a child, an animal. Glue these pictures onto a large sheet of paper. If you don’t have magazines at home, make a collage on your computer using pictures from the Internet and print it on a color printer. This manipulation will help you believe in yourself and hear your desires. To increase the likelihood of turning your goals into reality, you should visualize them before going to bed.
- Learn to say no to people. You should start with those who are not close to you. Colleagues who regularly try to sit on their necks, giving away their work. You don’t have to be rude right away; you can refuse correctly. You shouldn't pay attention to people's reactions.
- Consciously make mistakes. You can go to bed later, take a personal vacation, go out to a restaurant with friends until the morning, even have a drink. It is important not to overdo it, so that later you will not be ashamed of your behavior.
- Experiments with appearance. Psychologists advise changing your image. This is a small step towards getting rid of the good girl image. You can dye your hair the color you like or get a haircut. Experimenting with clothing will also be beneficial. Change the classic, strict style to sport-chic, wear more sneakers and sneakers. Desperate women can wear thongs to the beach.
- Change your facial expression. You don't have to smile all the time when you don't want to. Don’t be embarrassed to walk around with a sad face if your soul is truly not happy.
- At work, be sure to talk about your ambitions and desires to management and colleagues. You need to indicate your preferences, be active and do not hesitate to discuss work issues. When a job is not to your liking and has turned into hard labor, you should change it. There is no need to hide your intentions from loved ones, but ask them for support.
- In relationships with friends and loved ones, you cannot harbor resentment. It is important to express dissatisfaction, but correctly. It doesn’t hurt to defend your opinion in a dispute. A heart-to-heart conversation is always better than keeping problems silent.
It’s worth considering that not everyone will like it when a good girl suddenly stops being comfortable. But this is not a reason to continue to allow your feet to be wiped on you, but a signal of the need to reconsider your surroundings. It is important not to be afraid of being left without friends. If a once close friend stopped communicating after being denied something, this is for the good. After a couple of months, your social circle will change, only real friends will remain in it, and not fake and selfish pseudo-friends.
Advice! If possible, you should buy yourself new clothes, cosmetics, shoes or accessories. Shopping always improves your mood and self-esteem. If you wish, you can go to a salon and get your nails done or your hair done.
How to become kinder to people if they annoy you?
Increased sensitivity to environmental influences is revealed in the intolerance of certain human manifestations, or people in general begin to enrage, you want to seat everyone in designated places, hand out books and demand deathly silence, otherwise your own inner subtle, amazing and sensitive nature is too traumatized by their rude and inappropriate manifestations life. It would seem that it looks like vulnerability and sensuality, but hidden behind such increased irritability towards others is your own well-groomed egoism, when people are required to internally and externally conform to an image that is convenient for you, otherwise there will be anger, irritation and no kindness.
Such painful sensitivity, which leads to enraging others, is caused by excessive concern for bringing happiness and comfort to oneself - needs become very subtly nuanced, and the world becomes tortured, because it is infinitely far from the one that is invented and required by selfish needs.
In such situations, the circle of attention closes on one’s own dissatisfaction, while all sensitivity is lost both to one’s true needs (there is a mental image of how one would ideally want) and to other people. Developing sensitivity and striving to understand the needs of another person is the leading way out of a state where everyone is annoying. Through understanding others, an understanding of oneself will gradually return, since the irritation experienced from other people is irritation from oneself, deeply hidden in the subconscious and not allowed to become conscious, but trying to break out through projections.
Thus, you can take a detour, since hacking your own subconscious is quite difficult, you can try to understand what exactly the person who is most infuriating needs, guess the true motivation for the actions that irritate you so much and, if possible, give it to him. It may turn out that a stupid colleague needs your help, and you can give her advice. Watch how the world changes, perhaps she will mention you in her report and give you a bonus or bring you delicious tea - and these are only visible external bonuses, and if you turn on the analysis deeper, it may turn out that your huge but forbidden desire is hidden behind the irritation be able to rely on the knowledge of others, and not carry everything yourself.
We are not particularly emotionally affected by things that are not reflected in our own psyche, so if someone is really annoying, then it’s not about him, it’s about you. You can go from the external part and try to find the person’s desire and his hidden message to you, satisfying which you will understand something about yourself. Or you can do it from the inside, by analyzing what exactly infuriates you and how it relates to your needs and capabilities - thus, closed information is pulled to the top of your awareness, and the person stops infuriating you, and the number of kind words and deeds addressed to him by itself increases .
